1
00:00:01,372 --> 00:00:04,881
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,882 --> 00:00:08,146
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on T.V. ♪
3
00:00:08,147 --> 00:00:11,795
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,796 --> 00:00:14,798
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,799 --> 00:00:18,301
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,302 --> 00:00:21,571
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,572 --> 00:00:23,140
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,141 --> 00:00:24,875
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,876 --> 00:00:29,876
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:30,245 --> 00:00:33,245
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
11
00:00:35,553 --> 00:00:38,321
- Peter, you're not even dressed.
- For what?
12
00:00:38,322 --> 00:00:40,490
Chris's class is performing
a rock and roll choir.
13
00:00:40,491 --> 00:00:42,325
They've been practicing for months.
14
00:00:42,326 --> 00:00:44,327
"For months," or "four months"?
15
00:00:44,328 --> 00:00:46,163
For months. Three months.
16
00:00:46,164 --> 00:00:47,831
Not long enough. Pass.
17
00:00:47,832 --> 00:00:49,366
I just wish we were doing songs
18
00:00:49,367 --> 00:00:52,169
that weren't so hard to sing as a group.
19
00:00:52,170 --> 00:00:54,271
♪ Six o'clock, TV hours, don't
get caught in foreign tower ♪
20
00:00:54,272 --> 00:00:56,673
♪ Slash and burn, return,
listen to yourself churn ♪
21
00:00:56,674 --> 00:00:58,742
♪ Lock him in uniform and
book burning, bloodletting ♪
22
00:00:58,743 --> 00:01:00,677
♪ Leonard Bernstein ♪
23
00:01:00,678 --> 00:01:02,879
♪ Birthday party, cheesecake,
jelly bean, boom... ♪
24
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:05,582
- How was it?
- Terrible.
25
00:01:05,583 --> 00:01:08,018
TV NARRATOR: We now return
to a 1980s movie
26
00:01:08,019 --> 00:01:09,452
you remember fondly,
27
00:01:09,453 --> 00:01:11,388
but now feels excruciatingly slow.
28
00:01:11,389 --> 00:01:12,556
All right, Stripes.
29
00:01:12,557 --> 00:01:14,191
Ah, this was hilarious.
30
00:01:14,192 --> 00:01:16,126
All right, Bill Murray's driving a cab.
31
00:01:16,127 --> 00:01:18,061
- Still driving a cab.
- (CAR HORN HONKS ON TV)
32
00:01:18,062 --> 00:01:20,197
Shot of the town.
33
00:01:20,198 --> 00:01:23,033
Going over a bridge.
34
00:01:23,034 --> 00:01:24,634
Traffic's neither heavy nor light.
35
00:01:24,635 --> 00:01:26,303
Get in the Army!
36
00:01:26,304 --> 00:01:28,305
I hope you don't plan
on just lying on the couch
37
00:01:28,306 --> 00:01:30,240
and watching TV all weekend.
38
00:01:30,241 --> 00:01:32,108
That's exactly what I plan to do.
39
00:01:32,109 --> 00:01:34,244
It's a free premium channel
preview weekend.
40
00:01:34,245 --> 00:01:35,812
Even Cinemax.
41
00:01:35,813 --> 00:01:38,548
One of the shows is actually
two boobs fighting.
42
00:01:38,549 --> 00:01:40,450
Sadly, there's still no penetration.
43
00:01:40,451 --> 00:01:42,452
Well, just expect me to do
44
00:01:42,453 --> 00:01:44,921
a lot of sour-faced,
arms-folded head shaking.
45
00:01:44,922 --> 00:01:46,256
(GRUNTS)
46
00:01:46,257 --> 00:01:47,958
Well, in return,
47
00:01:47,959 --> 00:01:50,260
you'll get a lot of
beaten-down husband eye-rolls.
48
00:01:50,261 --> 00:01:51,428
(SIGHS)
49
00:01:51,429 --> 00:01:52,896
- (GRUNTS)
- (SIGHS)
50
00:01:52,897 --> 00:01:54,064
- (LOIS GRUNTS)
- (SIGHS)
51
00:01:54,065 --> 00:01:55,265
- (GRUNTS)
- (SIGHS)
52
00:01:55,266 --> 00:01:56,566
- (GRUNTS)
- (TAPPING ON WINDOW)
53
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:57,968
One of the neighbors called about
54
00:01:57,969 --> 00:02:00,837
a passive-aggressive domestic dispute.
55
00:02:00,838 --> 00:02:02,505
Ooh, is that Stripes?
56
00:02:02,506 --> 00:02:05,008
Eh, he's not in the Army yet.
57
00:02:06,844 --> 00:02:08,345
Peter, this is ridiculous.
58
00:02:08,346 --> 00:02:09,980
You've been lying here all weekend.
59
00:02:09,981 --> 00:02:12,415
I'm not bringing you any more food.
60
00:02:12,416 --> 00:02:14,484
I don't need you to.
I got a thousand dollar credit
61
00:02:14,485 --> 00:02:17,020
from Uber Eats 'cause
that driver pinched my bottom.
62
00:02:17,021 --> 00:02:20,290
Okay, well if you don't get up,
I won't have sex with you.
63
00:02:20,291 --> 00:02:22,459
And that will be different how...?
64
00:02:22,460 --> 00:02:24,828
And I'm still married to you because...?
65
00:02:24,829 --> 00:02:25,996
(TAPPING ON WINDOW)
66
00:02:25,997 --> 00:02:29,199
Guys, second time this week.
67
00:02:33,771 --> 00:02:35,505
Peter, you got to come outside.
68
00:02:35,506 --> 00:02:37,340
We found a used condom on the sidewalk.
69
00:02:37,341 --> 00:02:39,542
That's a bigger deal
than regular garbage.
70
00:02:39,543 --> 00:02:41,611
Ribbed. A woman was pleased with it.
71
00:02:41,612 --> 00:02:42,779
You got to see this, Peter.
72
00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:43,947
A used condom.
73
00:02:43,948 --> 00:02:45,048
Just right out here.
74
00:02:45,049 --> 00:02:46,616
And there's panties nearby.
75
00:02:46,617 --> 00:02:47,684
Joe, you're a cop.
76
00:02:47,685 --> 00:02:48,785
What do you think happened here?
77
00:02:48,786 --> 00:02:50,120
I'll tell you what happened.
78
00:02:50,121 --> 00:02:51,788
Somebody did it.
79
00:02:51,789 --> 00:02:53,657
Yeah!
80
00:02:53,658 --> 00:02:55,492
Peter, come out here and high five us
81
00:02:55,493 --> 00:02:57,294
over the sex someone else had.
82
00:02:57,295 --> 00:02:58,962
Someone had sex?
83
00:02:58,963 --> 00:03:01,731
I got to touch another guy's
hand to celebrate.
84
00:03:04,035 --> 00:03:05,435
(GASPS)
85
00:03:06,370 --> 00:03:08,638
(GRUNTING)
86
00:03:13,177 --> 00:03:14,844
(MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING)
87
00:03:14,845 --> 00:03:17,948
PETER: Oh, now he gets to the Army.
88
00:03:20,518 --> 00:03:22,686
Hmm. I've seen this before.
89
00:03:22,687 --> 00:03:25,155
It's from Ethan Allen,
if I'm not mistaken.
90
00:03:25,156 --> 00:03:27,357
- Am I gonna be okay?
- You'll be fine.
91
00:03:27,358 --> 00:03:29,592
Here's a video to help you understand.
92
00:03:33,164 --> 00:03:36,866
Hi, I'm Oliver Platt, and I'm
currently fused to this chair.
93
00:03:36,867 --> 00:03:38,435
But how does it happen?
94
00:03:38,436 --> 00:03:40,103
When a fat guy's sweaty skin
95
00:03:40,104 --> 00:03:41,604
presses against couch fabric
96
00:03:41,605 --> 00:03:43,373
for an extended period of time,
97
00:03:43,374 --> 00:03:46,509
the fabric fibers
fuse together with the skin.
98
00:03:46,510 --> 00:03:50,013
The longer you stay sedentary,
the stronger the bond.
99
00:03:50,014 --> 00:03:51,381
My advice: Relax.
100
00:03:51,382 --> 00:03:52,949
It's not the end of the world.
101
00:03:52,950 --> 00:03:55,352
Being fused to furniture
hasn't stopped me
102
00:03:55,353 --> 00:03:57,187
from being an adult with a child's name.
103
00:03:57,188 --> 00:04:00,190
And having thicker hair than a werewolf.
104
00:04:00,191 --> 00:04:02,859
The procedure is called
"Rip You Off Real Fast."
105
00:04:02,860 --> 00:04:04,861
Very painful. Ready?
106
00:04:04,862 --> 00:04:07,097
Actually, I've decided
to keep the couch on me.
107
00:04:07,098 --> 00:04:08,865
Really? Are you sure?
108
00:04:08,866 --> 00:04:10,433
Oh, yeah. This is nothing.
109
00:04:10,434 --> 00:04:11,968
I've been in uncomfortable
situations before.
110
00:04:11,969 --> 00:04:14,804
Like, whenever I meet famous people.
111
00:04:14,805 --> 00:04:17,774
Hey, what's up? I'm Snoop Dogg,
know what I'm saying?
112
00:04:17,775 --> 00:04:19,376
I do.
113
00:04:19,377 --> 00:04:22,212
PETER: But you don't, Peter, you don't.
114
00:04:25,983 --> 00:04:27,650
How is it? Is-a good?
115
00:04:27,651 --> 00:04:28,752
Eh, it's a little tight.
116
00:04:28,753 --> 00:04:30,320
A little tight in-a the couch?
117
00:04:30,321 --> 00:04:32,088
Yeah, it's a little tight in the couch.
118
00:04:32,089 --> 00:04:33,556
Hey, what's it like going through life
119
00:04:33,557 --> 00:04:34,958
holding needles in your lips?
120
00:04:34,959 --> 00:04:36,393
Is-a not easy.
121
00:04:36,394 --> 00:04:38,061
Some-a time-a the needle,
they poke-a my lip,
122
00:04:38,062 --> 00:04:39,629
and I say-a, "Mamma mia!"
123
00:04:39,630 --> 00:04:41,498
Well, you still got
James Brolin coming in here,
124
00:04:41,499 --> 00:04:42,599
autographing your photos.
125
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:43,767
That's kind of cool.
126
00:04:43,768 --> 00:04:45,068
You want to know something, a-Peter?
127
00:04:45,069 --> 00:04:46,436
He no come in here.
128
00:04:46,437 --> 00:04:49,005
I take-a the photo
from the dry cleaner's.
129
00:04:49,006 --> 00:04:50,473
Mamma mia, what a day.
130
00:04:50,474 --> 00:04:51,975
And now to say good night
131
00:04:51,976 --> 00:04:55,078
to all-a my celebrity pictures
on-a the wall.
132
00:04:55,079 --> 00:04:57,013
Buona notte, Christopher Plummer.
133
00:04:57,014 --> 00:05:00,116
Sleep-a with the angels,
Sherman-a Hemsley.
134
00:05:00,117 --> 00:05:02,752
See you when-a the sun shine, Ken Ober.
135
00:05:02,753 --> 00:05:06,156
And now, to say good night
to my favorite-a celebrity,
136
00:05:06,157 --> 00:05:08,691
James-a Brol... mamma mia!
137
00:05:08,692 --> 00:05:10,527
Who steal-a my James Brolin?
138
00:05:10,528 --> 00:05:13,096
I take-a that photo from the bakery.
139
00:05:13,097 --> 00:05:15,532
Pasta fazool,
what a good day in-a the bakery.
140
00:05:15,533 --> 00:05:17,333
You take-a good care of the place
141
00:05:17,334 --> 00:05:19,302
while I'm-a gone, William-a Katt.
142
00:05:19,303 --> 00:05:24,240
That goes a-double for you,
James-a Brol... mamma mia!
143
00:05:28,045 --> 00:05:29,979
Uh, hey, Mom?
144
00:05:29,980 --> 00:05:33,616
Was I always able to see the
living room from the kitchen?
145
00:05:33,617 --> 00:05:35,318
(SIGHS) I've had enough of this.
146
00:05:35,319 --> 00:05:37,787
That stupid couch
is messing up our house.
147
00:05:37,788 --> 00:05:39,622
If Peter won't let
Dr. Hartman remove it,
148
00:05:39,623 --> 00:05:41,224
we're doing it ourselves.
149
00:05:41,225 --> 00:05:43,827
I put an Ambien in his beer,
so he's out cold.
150
00:05:43,828 --> 00:05:46,062
I saw you put Ambien in your beer, too.
151
00:05:46,063 --> 00:05:48,731
Every adult has
to take Ambien every night
152
00:05:48,732 --> 00:05:51,367
to even have a prayer at sleep.
153
00:05:51,368 --> 00:05:52,635
(SNORING)
154
00:05:52,636 --> 00:05:54,804
(DOOR CREAKS)
155
00:05:54,805 --> 00:05:56,973
All right, kids,
we're gonna use these scissors
156
00:05:56,974 --> 00:05:59,809
to separate your father from the couch.
157
00:05:59,810 --> 00:06:01,711
I can't tell skin from couch.
158
00:06:01,712 --> 00:06:03,213
Well, err on the skin side.
159
00:06:03,214 --> 00:06:05,014
I love this couch.
160
00:06:05,015 --> 00:06:06,916
It's from Ethan Allen, you know.
161
00:06:08,586 --> 00:06:10,386
(SCISSORS SNIPPING)
162
00:06:10,387 --> 00:06:12,222
Wha...?
163
00:06:12,223 --> 00:06:13,823
W-What-what's going on?
164
00:06:13,824 --> 00:06:16,493
Peter, enough is enough,
that couch is coming off.
165
00:06:16,494 --> 00:06:18,394
We're sick of your shenanigans.
166
00:06:18,395 --> 00:06:20,730
(GRUNTS) How dare you?
167
00:06:20,731 --> 00:06:23,166
I work my ass off to bring home
the bacon for this family,
168
00:06:23,167 --> 00:06:25,034
and all you can say is,
"We don't want bacon,
169
00:06:25,035 --> 00:06:26,669
we want actual money!"
170
00:06:26,670 --> 00:06:29,506
Well, I don't have money,
I spent it all on bacon!
171
00:06:29,507 --> 00:06:31,341
Peter, put yourself in our shoes.
172
00:06:31,342 --> 00:06:34,010
I can't. My feet swelled up
too much from all the bacon.
173
00:06:34,011 --> 00:06:35,879
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to sleep
174
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,614
on the couch on the couch.
175
00:06:37,615 --> 00:06:39,015
(GRUNTS)
176
00:06:41,785 --> 00:06:43,720
(GRUNTING)
177
00:06:49,693 --> 00:06:51,628
(GRUNTING)
178
00:06:57,601 --> 00:06:59,636
Chris, give me a hand with this.
179
00:06:59,637 --> 00:07:01,271
All right, you ready?
180
00:07:01,272 --> 00:07:03,973
All right, one, two, three.
181
00:07:03,974 --> 00:07:05,575
- Okay, uh, easy, easy, easy...
- Uh... uh...
182
00:07:05,576 --> 00:07:07,410
- Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.
- Okay, all right.
183
00:07:07,411 --> 00:07:08,811
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
184
00:07:08,812 --> 00:07:10,280
- Stop, stop.
- What? What?
185
00:07:10,281 --> 00:07:12,248
- No, no, no, no, no. Twist it.
- What? I am.
186
00:07:12,249 --> 00:07:14,150
Just look down, all right?
Just-just look at me,
187
00:07:14,151 --> 00:07:15,985
look what I'm doing. All right,
see the way I'm twisting it?
188
00:07:15,986 --> 00:07:18,321
- Okay, ju... No, no, no, no, no.
- Okay. Wait... what?
189
00:07:18,322 --> 00:07:20,456
You know what? All right, just...
Hang... just put-put it down.
190
00:07:20,457 --> 00:07:22,559
- Put it down. Just drop it, drop it.
- All right. All right.
191
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:26,129
All right, let's... Let's just
hang on and figure this out.
192
00:07:26,130 --> 00:07:28,231
All-all right, okay.
193
00:07:28,232 --> 00:07:30,066
All right. Okay. I-I got it.
I know what we're gonna...
194
00:07:30,067 --> 00:07:31,668
Okay, okay. All right, y-you...
We... here's what we're gonna do,
195
00:07:31,669 --> 00:07:33,303
We're gonna take the cushions off,
196
00:07:33,304 --> 00:07:35,405
unscrew the legs, take the mattress out,
197
00:07:35,406 --> 00:07:37,273
and this whole thing's
gonna be a lot simpler.
198
00:07:37,274 --> 00:07:39,642
It's easier than we're making it.
199
00:07:39,643 --> 00:07:41,611
- (GRUNTING)
- This isn't working.
200
00:07:41,612 --> 00:07:43,346
You know what? Just give me a push.
201
00:07:43,347 --> 00:07:44,447
(GRUNTS)
202
00:07:44,448 --> 00:07:45,615
(SCREAMING)
203
00:07:45,616 --> 00:07:48,451
(CRASHES)
204
00:07:54,592 --> 00:07:56,092
I have some bad news.
205
00:07:56,093 --> 00:07:58,761
Ethan survived,
but Allen didn't make it.
206
00:07:58,762 --> 00:08:00,663
- What about Peter?
- Oh, him.
207
00:08:00,664 --> 00:08:02,665
He's in what we call a comma.
208
00:08:02,666 --> 00:08:04,000
Now, where's his chart?
209
00:08:04,001 --> 00:08:06,836
Ah, here it is. "Griffin coma Peter."
210
00:08:06,837 --> 00:08:08,838
Will he ever recover?
211
00:08:08,839 --> 00:08:10,540
How long is he gonna be like this?
212
00:08:10,541 --> 00:08:13,042
(ECHOING): Please tell me
he's gonna be okay...
213
00:08:13,043 --> 00:08:14,978
(WIND GUSTING)
214
00:08:25,456 --> 00:08:26,723
Oh, God.
215
00:08:26,724 --> 00:08:28,658
(MALE CLEARS THROAT)
216
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,067
God?
217
00:08:38,068 --> 00:08:39,135
Yes.
218
00:08:39,136 --> 00:08:40,670
And no Trump questions.
219
00:08:40,671 --> 00:08:42,338
Okay.
220
00:08:43,540 --> 00:08:45,742
I have nothing else to ask you.
221
00:08:51,987 --> 00:08:54,989
I can't believe I'm stuck
in an elevator with God.
222
00:08:54,990 --> 00:08:57,792
Although, I guess you are
everywhere, and in all places.
223
00:08:57,793 --> 00:08:59,060
No, you're thinking of Kevin Hart.
224
00:08:59,061 --> 00:09:00,261
Ha! I know, right?
225
00:09:00,262 --> 00:09:01,329
(LAUGHING): I-In every movie.
226
00:09:01,330 --> 00:09:02,397
Him and The Rock.
227
00:09:02,398 --> 00:09:03,664
Oh, I love The Rock.
228
00:09:03,665 --> 00:09:05,233
No, no, no, I love The Rock, too.
229
00:09:05,234 --> 00:09:07,769
He's just-he's just in a lot of stuff.
230
00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:09,437
You know, his real name
is Dwayne Johnson.
231
00:09:09,438 --> 00:09:10,705
Yeah, I know.
232
00:09:10,706 --> 00:09:12,273
We have Us Weekly on Earth, too.
233
00:09:12,274 --> 00:09:14,242
Wait, why are you here?
234
00:09:14,243 --> 00:09:15,643
Shouldn't you be up in heaven?
235
00:09:15,644 --> 00:09:16,744
There was an issue.
236
00:09:16,745 --> 00:09:18,413
Uh, a-a few angels came forward.
237
00:09:18,414 --> 00:09:20,581
I don't remember things
exactly as they do,
238
00:09:20,582 --> 00:09:24,018
but I respect their experience.
239
00:09:24,019 --> 00:09:25,820
How did I get here?
240
00:09:25,821 --> 00:09:27,622
Well, you had a couch
attached to your back,
241
00:09:27,623 --> 00:09:30,291
and you fell down the stairs
and hit your head pretty hard.
242
00:09:30,292 --> 00:09:31,793
Am I in a Leftovers?
243
00:09:31,794 --> 00:09:32,960
Is this a Leftovers?
244
00:09:32,961 --> 00:09:34,462
I don't know what that is.
245
00:09:34,463 --> 00:09:37,532
It was an HBO show starring
a bottle of hair dye.
246
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,334
Man, this thing is really stuck.
247
00:09:40,335 --> 00:09:42,870
Hey, can you use
your God powers to get us out?
248
00:09:42,871 --> 00:09:44,372
No, they don't really work in elevators.
249
00:09:44,373 --> 00:09:45,606
Kind of like a cell phone.
250
00:09:45,607 --> 00:09:46,774
I don't have a signal.
251
00:09:46,775 --> 00:09:47,809
I have a cell phone.
252
00:09:47,810 --> 00:09:48,943
It's silver.
253
00:09:48,944 --> 00:09:50,912
That's rad, Peter.
254
00:09:52,781 --> 00:09:56,184
I always dreamed of being stuck
in an elevator with Tom Brady.
255
00:09:56,185 --> 00:09:57,718
That makes two of us.
256
00:09:57,719 --> 00:09:59,854
Can I ask you my Tom Brady questions?
257
00:09:59,855 --> 00:10:02,023
I wouldn't deign to speak for Tom Brady.
258
00:10:02,024 --> 00:10:04,559
Understood, understood.
259
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,728
- Hey, do atheists go to hell?
- No.
260
00:10:07,729 --> 00:10:09,730
How about people who say
they are not religious,
261
00:10:09,731 --> 00:10:11,466
but they are spiritual?
262
00:10:11,467 --> 00:10:13,167
Straight to hell,
to the boiler room of hell.
263
00:10:13,168 --> 00:10:15,002
All the way down.
264
00:10:15,003 --> 00:10:16,337
Sometimes, I pull them out
265
00:10:16,338 --> 00:10:17,705
just so they think everything
is gonna be okay,
266
00:10:17,706 --> 00:10:19,373
but then, I put them right back in.
267
00:10:19,374 --> 00:10:21,075
Good, good.
268
00:10:21,076 --> 00:10:22,910
That makes me happy.
269
00:10:22,911 --> 00:10:26,247
Um, God, here's something
you might be able to tell me.
270
00:10:26,248 --> 00:10:27,849
Will Taylor Swift and Katy Perry
271
00:10:27,850 --> 00:10:31,819
ever reconcile their differences?
272
00:10:31,820 --> 00:10:33,154
What are you looking for?
273
00:10:33,155 --> 00:10:34,989
Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm looking for the gay guy
274
00:10:34,990 --> 00:10:36,390
who can answer that one.
275
00:10:38,327 --> 00:10:41,195
Some people say we're just
a computer simulation
276
00:10:41,196 --> 00:10:43,030
run by a higher species.
277
00:10:43,031 --> 00:10:45,199
- Is that true?
- It is.
278
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:47,702
(COMPUTER TONES PLAY)
279
00:10:47,703 --> 00:10:49,237
My guy sucks.
280
00:10:49,238 --> 00:10:51,272
Want to trade guys for a little while?
281
00:10:51,273 --> 00:10:53,207
Oh, never mind.
282
00:10:53,208 --> 00:10:56,511
I'll stick with this pile
of crap I already have.
283
00:10:56,512 --> 00:11:00,181
All right, can you name every
SNL actor alphabetically?
284
00:11:00,182 --> 00:11:02,416
- Alphabetically by last name?
- Yes.
285
00:11:02,417 --> 00:11:04,519
- And no featured players?
- Yeah, okay.
286
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,889
Fred Armisen, Dan Aykroyd,
Morwenna Banks, Vanessa Bayer...
287
00:11:07,890 --> 00:11:10,358
Jon Lovitz, Norm Macdonald,
Gail Matthius...
288
00:11:10,359 --> 00:11:11,692
Gail Matthius, good pull.
289
00:11:11,693 --> 00:11:13,561
Michael McKean, Mark McKinney...
290
00:11:13,562 --> 00:11:17,064
Nancy Walls, Kristen Wiig,
and Sasheer Zamata.
291
00:11:17,065 --> 00:11:19,534
Wow. Now do Kids in the Hall.
292
00:11:19,535 --> 00:11:21,369
That was five guys, Peter.
293
00:11:21,370 --> 00:11:23,004
- Name 'em.
- I can't.
294
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,140
Does reincarnation exist?
295
00:11:26,141 --> 00:11:27,441
It does.
296
00:11:27,442 --> 00:11:29,544
As past human lives or as animals?
297
00:11:29,545 --> 00:11:31,379
- Both.
- Who have I been?
298
00:11:31,380 --> 00:11:33,214
- You were Henry the Eighth.
- Wow!
299
00:11:33,215 --> 00:11:36,083
Let me finish. You were Henry,
the eighth guy to have sex
300
00:11:36,084 --> 00:11:38,219
with Rock Hudson
at one of his pool parties.
301
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:40,221
Aww.
302
00:11:40,222 --> 00:11:42,657
How many more shows is
John Stamos gonna get?
303
00:11:42,658 --> 00:11:46,594
- Zero.
- Good. That's... That's good.
304
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:52,733
Are you real?
305
00:11:52,734 --> 00:11:54,402
Do you think I'm real, Peter?
306
00:11:54,403 --> 00:11:57,572
I like to believe there's
something bigger than me
307
00:11:57,573 --> 00:11:59,240
out there keeping a watch out.
308
00:11:59,241 --> 00:12:01,142
Different people think different things.
309
00:12:01,143 --> 00:12:02,910
I'm kind of like a nanny cam.
310
00:12:02,911 --> 00:12:04,946
The idea that I may exist is enough
311
00:12:04,947 --> 00:12:06,914
for some people to behave better.
312
00:12:06,915 --> 00:12:10,585
When I used to ask my mom
what God was, she would say,
313
00:12:10,586 --> 00:12:13,754
"God is love." I always liked that.
314
00:12:13,755 --> 00:12:15,156
That's nice, Peter.
315
00:12:15,157 --> 00:12:17,592
God and love are very similar concepts.
316
00:12:17,593 --> 00:12:19,760
- They come from the same place.
- Tatooine?
317
00:12:19,761 --> 00:12:23,431
Ha! I always forget
you're such a Star Wars guy.
318
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,268
Man, when are they gonna fix
this elevator?
319
00:12:27,269 --> 00:12:30,871
It's not broken. I just haven't
decided where it's going yet.
320
00:12:34,109 --> 00:12:36,544
(GASPS) What's a "mezzanine"?
321
00:12:36,545 --> 00:12:38,946
- It's like a loge.
- What's a "loge"?
322
00:12:38,947 --> 00:12:40,781
Oh, hey, what's with all the questions?
323
00:12:40,782 --> 00:12:43,050
Yeah, you don't know either.
324
00:12:43,051 --> 00:12:44,518
W-Wait, hold on.
325
00:12:44,519 --> 00:12:48,055
- Am I... Am I dead?
- Yes.
326
00:12:48,056 --> 00:12:50,191
Oh, my God!
327
00:12:50,192 --> 00:12:52,526
Since you're now a ghost,
would you like to do pottery
328
00:12:52,527 --> 00:12:54,462
while straddling present-day Demi Moore?
329
00:12:54,463 --> 00:12:56,631
- Pass.
- Yeah.
330
00:12:56,632 --> 00:12:58,666
Not getting a lot of takers
for that one.
331
00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:00,534
I feel like the bones in her back
332
00:13:00,535 --> 00:13:02,470
would hurt my tummy.
333
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,849
Am I... Am I really dead?
334
00:13:07,850 --> 00:13:09,030
Well, if you weren't dead,
335
00:13:09,031 --> 00:13:10,998
would you feel nothing when I do this?
336
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,833
Ah! Son of a bitch!
337
00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:14,268
Oh, you know what?
That's right, it takes a day.
338
00:13:14,269 --> 00:13:15,569
M-My bad. Sorry.
339
00:13:15,570 --> 00:13:17,071
Tomorrow I do that, you feel nothing.
340
00:13:17,072 --> 00:13:18,406
But trust me, you're dead.
341
00:13:18,407 --> 00:13:20,374
But I can't be. Hold on, give me a sec.
342
00:13:20,375 --> 00:13:23,844
(PANTING)
343
00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:26,781
I can't be dead.
I have a family who needs me.
344
00:13:26,782 --> 00:13:28,382
Actually, Peter, from what I've seen,
345
00:13:28,383 --> 00:13:30,952
I think your family would be
better off without you.
346
00:13:30,953 --> 00:13:32,787
What? What do you mean?
347
00:13:32,788 --> 00:13:34,355
Well, you're an inattentive husband
348
00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:35,690
and a terrible parent.
349
00:13:35,691 --> 00:13:37,391
Oh, says Father of the Year.
350
00:13:37,392 --> 00:13:39,360
Oh, please. He played that
for all it was worth.
351
00:13:39,361 --> 00:13:41,028
"Why has thou forsaken me?"
352
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:42,763
You know what? I did him a favor.
353
00:13:42,764 --> 00:13:44,532
Okay, well, th-there's a lot
to unpack there.
354
00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:46,801
But come on, God, you gotta
give me another chance.
355
00:13:46,802 --> 00:13:49,603
I'll show you how good a husband
and father I can be.
356
00:13:49,604 --> 00:13:52,039
Are you asking for a second chance?
357
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,607
I-I guess so.
358
00:13:53,608 --> 00:13:56,544
Huh. No one's ever done that.
359
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:58,212
You know what? You're on.
360
00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:00,047
I'll give you one day to prove to me
361
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,983
that your family is better off
with you alive.
362
00:14:01,984 --> 00:14:05,119
I'll return you to your life
before you were in a coma.
363
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,254
Thanks, God! I know I can do it.
364
00:14:07,255 --> 00:14:09,290
I've faced bigger challenges.
365
00:14:09,291 --> 00:14:12,093
Like when I recorded that
Russian language album.
366
00:14:12,094 --> 00:14:14,061
("TEQUILA SONG" BY THE CHAMPS PLAYING)
367
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,998
♪
368
00:14:32,581 --> 00:14:35,016
♪ Vodka! ♪
369
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:44,325
Okay, kids. I know how you
always wanted kittens,
370
00:14:44,326 --> 00:14:46,193
so guess what I brought home?
371
00:14:46,194 --> 00:14:48,262
This very pregnant, about-to-burst,
372
00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:50,031
distended-nipples street cat.
373
00:14:50,032 --> 00:14:52,933
(LABORED MEOW)
374
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:55,269
Peter, you can't bring home a feral cat.
375
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:57,338
She doesn't want to be
around people right now.
376
00:14:57,339 --> 00:14:59,607
She needs a quiet space
to have her kittens.
377
00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:01,475
Yeah, so everyone gather 'round close.
378
00:15:01,476 --> 00:15:03,944
Her name is Sophie,
and she's fully dilated.
379
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:05,780
- (YOWLING)
- Chris!
380
00:15:05,781 --> 00:15:08,282
She doesn't like that, but
I understand the instinct.
381
00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:10,818
Now, we all need to do our part
to help with the birth.
382
00:15:10,819 --> 00:15:12,453
- Meg, boil some water.
- (CAT SCREECHING)
383
00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:13,988
Brian, get some clean rags.
384
00:15:13,989 --> 00:15:15,389
Chris, blankets.
385
00:15:15,390 --> 00:15:17,158
- Stewie, Band-Aids for me.
- (CAT GROWLING)
386
00:15:17,159 --> 00:15:19,126
Isn't it nice that we're
spending this time together
387
00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:20,628
as a family?
388
00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:23,931
Let's go spend it in the ER.
389
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,903
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
390
00:15:30,906 --> 00:15:33,841
Well, look at us.
Out for a fun family dinner.
391
00:15:33,842 --> 00:15:36,644
If anyone's watching, they'd
say, "Look at that family."
392
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:38,312
Look how happy they are."
393
00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:40,581
Well, the kids do love Fuddruckers.
394
00:15:40,582 --> 00:15:42,516
Yeah, getting to design
any burger you want?
395
00:15:42,517 --> 00:15:45,052
Your only limit is your imagination.
396
00:15:45,053 --> 00:15:46,587
What kind you make there
for yourself, Chris?
397
00:15:46,588 --> 00:15:47,988
- Plain.
- Plain?
398
00:15:47,989 --> 00:15:49,590
What do you mean "plain"?
399
00:15:49,591 --> 00:15:51,992
It's a plain burger.
That's how I like them.
400
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:54,495
That's not a burger,
that's just a meat sandwich.
401
00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:56,831
At least Meg went wild
and got a beige burger.
402
00:15:56,832 --> 00:15:58,332
No, I got chicken.
403
00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:00,868
What? Here? This is Fuddruckers.
404
00:16:00,869 --> 00:16:02,937
What... what part of Fuddruckers
don't you understand?
405
00:16:02,938 --> 00:16:04,238
All of it.
406
00:16:04,239 --> 00:16:05,406
All right, let's start this again.
407
00:16:05,407 --> 00:16:06,774
You're all gonna get up,
408
00:16:06,775 --> 00:16:08,909
go back up to that
toppings bar, and go nuts.
409
00:16:08,910 --> 00:16:10,911
But it tastes good like this.
410
00:16:10,912 --> 00:16:13,380
It's not supposed to taste good.
It's supposed to look crazy.
411
00:16:13,381 --> 00:16:14,548
What the hell are you doing?
412
00:16:14,549 --> 00:16:16,450
I'm cutting it. It's easier to eat.
413
00:16:16,451 --> 00:16:18,018
It's not supposed to be easy to eat.
414
00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:19,887
Half of it is supposed
to fall onto your plate
415
00:16:19,888 --> 00:16:22,256
when you squeeze it, and the
rest goes onto your shirt.
416
00:16:22,257 --> 00:16:23,591
How's everything going over here?
417
00:16:23,592 --> 00:16:25,192
Terrible! Go away!
418
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,394
See, look, now I have to be
even more ridiculous
419
00:16:27,395 --> 00:16:29,396
to make up for what you guys
aren't doing.
420
00:16:29,397 --> 00:16:32,299
Silverware? Put them on.
Salt shaker? Whatever.
421
00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:34,368
Ice from soda, get on that burger.
422
00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:35,970
Peter, people are staring.
423
00:16:35,971 --> 00:16:38,105
Yeah, they're saying,
"Look at the creative guy.
424
00:16:38,106 --> 00:16:39,874
"Look at King Fuddrucker over there.
425
00:16:39,875 --> 00:16:41,575
"Usually you put a burger on a tray.
426
00:16:41,576 --> 00:16:43,978
This guy's putting a tray
on a (BLEEP) burger!"
427
00:16:43,979 --> 00:16:45,479
Are you through, Peter?
428
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,214
Not yet, I'm not. Give me the car keys.
429
00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:50,184
- Peter...
- Give me... the car keys.
430
00:16:54,589 --> 00:16:56,290
That's Fuddruckers.
431
00:16:56,291 --> 00:16:57,391
(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)
432
00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:58,959
Peter, you've opened the trunk.
433
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,928
People are pulling things
out of our car.
434
00:17:00,929 --> 00:17:03,430
Good. That's also Fuddruckers...
Get used to it.
435
00:17:03,431 --> 00:17:05,833
And prepare to fish my teeth
out of my stool.
436
00:17:05,834 --> 00:17:08,402
- Peter, enough.
- You guys clearly don't get it.
437
00:17:08,403 --> 00:17:11,071
I'm sure when you explain
what we're supposed to get,
438
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:12,406
we'll get it.
439
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:15,075
(BOTH SIGH)
440
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:17,678
Those poor kids. Those poor babies.
441
00:17:17,679 --> 00:17:19,947
Hey, Chris, what do you got there?
442
00:17:19,948 --> 00:17:21,315
A plain burger.
443
00:17:21,316 --> 00:17:23,217
Looks good.
444
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,255
PETER: You can do this, Peter.
445
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:29,623
You love your family.
446
00:17:29,624 --> 00:17:31,425
You can do this, Peter,
you love your family.
447
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,761
You can do this, Peter.
You love your family.
448
00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:35,763
Dad, can you crack your window
a little bit?
449
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:37,097
I hate you all so much!
450
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:39,033
- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
- Uh-oh.
451
00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:46,540
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
452
00:17:46,541 --> 00:17:48,442
♪
453
00:17:51,012 --> 00:17:52,546
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
454
00:17:55,550 --> 00:17:56,717
Ah!
455
00:17:56,718 --> 00:17:58,118
(TIRES SCREECHING)
456
00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:09,530
(THUNDER CRASHES)
457
00:18:09,531 --> 00:18:11,131
(SCREAMS)
458
00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:12,499
Did you guys see that?
459
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:14,802
The bunny rabbit family
you just ran over?
460
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,737
Yeah. We all saw that, Peter.
461
00:18:16,738 --> 00:18:20,474
Come on, kids. Let's go inside.
462
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:24,078
Before you go,
there's something I want to say.
463
00:18:24,079 --> 00:18:26,013
If anything were to happen to me, Lois,
464
00:18:26,014 --> 00:18:28,215
I'll miss you more than life...
465
00:18:28,216 --> 00:18:32,019
the cereal, but not the board
game, which I quite enjoy.
466
00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:34,021
- Okay.
- And Meg,
467
00:18:34,022 --> 00:18:35,422
I'm sorry I'll never get a chance
468
00:18:35,423 --> 00:18:38,058
to walk you down the aisle... at Costco,
469
00:18:38,059 --> 00:18:40,361
to furnish your sad,
single-lady apartment.
470
00:18:40,362 --> 00:18:42,529
- Thanks, Dad.
- And Stewie,
471
00:18:42,530 --> 00:18:46,667
it kills me that I'll never see
you become a man... loving twink.
472
00:18:46,668 --> 00:18:48,335
Is anyone gonna stop him?
473
00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:51,171
And, Chris, whenever you're
feeling defeated,
474
00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:54,842
I want you to remember to always
reach for the Stars...
475
00:18:54,843 --> 00:18:58,045
Sky and Hutch DVD that fell
behind the entertainment center.
476
00:18:58,046 --> 00:19:00,014
Sorry, you were the last one.
477
00:19:00,015 --> 00:19:01,915
- What about me?
- You're a dog.
478
00:19:01,916 --> 00:19:04,718
Peter, what's going on?
Why are you saying these things?
479
00:19:04,719 --> 00:19:07,121
Sorry. W-Why don't you guys go inside?
480
00:19:07,122 --> 00:19:09,256
I'm gonna stay out here and
listen to Nina Blackwood
481
00:19:09,257 --> 00:19:11,492
slowly die of throat cancer
on the radio.
482
00:19:13,461 --> 00:19:16,130
WOMAN (SCRATCHY VOICE): Our next
artist first climbed the charts
483
00:19:16,131 --> 00:19:18,399
with "Dancing With Myself."
484
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:23,070
(WHEEZES) Of course,
that artist is Billy Idol.
485
00:19:23,071 --> 00:19:24,799
- (RADIO SWITCHES OFF)
- I'm supposed to get her
486
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,308
a week from Thursday,
but I may be moving that up.
487
00:19:27,309 --> 00:19:30,277
I suppose you know why I'm here.
488
00:19:30,278 --> 00:19:32,313
Yeah. I guess so.
489
00:19:32,314 --> 00:19:34,248
It's weird. For the first seven days,
490
00:19:34,249 --> 00:19:36,784
all I did was create things,
but since then,
491
00:19:36,785 --> 00:19:38,319
it's just killing, killing, killing.
492
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:39,953
Well, go ahead and do it.
493
00:19:39,954 --> 00:19:41,889
My family would be better off
without me.
494
00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:44,725
I'm a terrible husband
and a terrible father.
495
00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:46,393
I should never have questioned you.
496
00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,762
You were right about everything.
497
00:19:51,132 --> 00:19:52,466
Say that again.
498
00:19:52,467 --> 00:19:54,335
You were right about everything.
499
00:19:54,336 --> 00:19:56,503
That's all I needed to hear.
500
00:19:58,673 --> 00:19:59,973
That's what religion is.
501
00:19:59,974 --> 00:20:01,742
It's not about being good or bad.
502
00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:05,346
It's just blind subservience
to an imaginary being.
503
00:20:05,347 --> 00:20:07,247
So, I'm not gonna die?
504
00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:08,949
Nope, not for another four years.
505
00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:10,250
Thank you, God!
506
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:13,821
Bless you, my child... pornography fan.
507
00:20:13,822 --> 00:20:15,189
(LAUGHS) You did it to me.
508
00:20:15,190 --> 00:20:17,691
- Can I use that one on my son?
- Sure.
509
00:20:19,127 --> 00:20:21,428
PETER: Hey, Chris, you like
pictures of naked children
510
00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:23,030
because you're gross and weird.
511
00:20:23,031 --> 00:20:25,032
Ah, he screwed it up.
512
00:20:31,170 --> 00:20:32,671
And I'm sorry about Fuddruckers.
513
00:20:32,672 --> 00:20:34,072
It won't happen again.
514
00:20:34,073 --> 00:20:37,342
Because nothing means more to me
than my family.
515
00:20:37,343 --> 00:20:40,779
Oh, Peter. That's wonderful.
What helped you come around?
516
00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:43,448
Well, Lois, let's just say
the big man upstairs
517
00:20:43,449 --> 00:20:46,017
put in a hard day's work today.
518
00:20:46,018 --> 00:20:49,387
Well, looks like quitting time.
519
00:20:49,388 --> 00:20:51,556
Good night, Kirk Cameron.
520
00:20:51,557 --> 00:20:53,525
See you tomorrow, Gene Rayburn.
521
00:20:53,526 --> 00:20:57,696
See you when the sun rises,
James Bro... Mamma mia!
522
00:20:57,697 --> 00:21:00,697
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -