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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,851 --> 00:00:09,354
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:09,388 --> 00:00:12,924
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:12,958 --> 00:00:15,927
♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 11x15 ♪
Turban Cowboy
Original Air Date on March 17, 2013
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00:00:32,314 --> 00:00:36,314
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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We now return
to Jeopardy Presents:
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"The Best of Contestant Banter."
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So, Ben, it says here
you have a connection to milk.
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Yes, funny story.
I discovered recently
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00:00:45,324 --> 00:00:47,025
that I have an allergy to milk.
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00:00:47,059 --> 00:00:50,828
So I guess we won't
be eating any cheese around you.
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00:00:50,863 --> 00:00:54,065
And Dennis, you once spent
a night in a tent?
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00:00:54,099 --> 00:00:56,467
So, uh, what do you guys got
planned for the weekend?
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00:00:56,502 --> 00:00:58,770
I don't know. I might sit
out in the front yard
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00:00:58,804 --> 00:01:00,371
with a rake and
wave at cars.
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00:01:00,406 --> 00:01:02,340
Yeah, and I found a hole
in my fence
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00:01:02,374 --> 00:01:03,875
I was gonna maybe
stick stuff through.
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00:01:03,909 --> 00:01:04,942
God, look at us.
25
00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:06,711
How'd we become so dull
and pathetic?
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00:01:06,745 --> 00:01:07,712
You're right.
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00:01:07,746 --> 00:01:09,213
I mean, we used
to have hobbies.
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00:01:09,248 --> 00:01:10,748
Remember when I was
a horse whisperer?
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00:01:14,453 --> 00:01:15,653
Shh, shh, shh.
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00:01:18,957 --> 00:01:22,093
That's right.
I bet you're hungry.
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00:01:22,127 --> 00:01:23,528
It's okay.
32
00:01:25,397 --> 00:01:27,932
That calmed you down,
you horse.
33
00:01:27,966 --> 00:01:29,467
Maybe it's time
the three of us
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00:01:29,501 --> 00:01:30,935
do something exciting
to shake things up.
35
00:01:30,969 --> 00:01:32,537
Hey, now that's
a good idea, Joe!
36
00:01:32,571 --> 00:01:34,105
All right, okay,
I have two ideas.
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00:01:34,139 --> 00:01:35,373
One that I think is awesome,
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00:01:35,407 --> 00:01:36,774
and one that I think
is stupid.
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00:01:36,809 --> 00:01:38,576
See if you can guess
which one is which.
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00:01:38,610 --> 00:01:43,081
We could either
A) Rob a Mafia poker game,
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00:01:43,115 --> 00:01:44,849
or B) Skydive.
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00:01:44,883 --> 00:01:47,251
Skydiving, huh?
I'd be totally up for that!
43
00:01:47,286 --> 00:01:49,087
Yeah, I've always wanted
to try skydiving!
44
00:01:49,121 --> 00:01:51,689
Really? Eh, could be fun,
I guess.
45
00:01:51,724 --> 00:01:52,924
Besides, I haven't done
anything new
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00:01:52,958 --> 00:01:54,926
since I learned
to use a palm frond.
47
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,328
So do I try
to match your speed?
48
00:01:57,363 --> 00:01:58,930
Yeah, just match my speed.
49
00:01:58,964 --> 00:02:00,598
And do we stagger
our waves
50
00:02:00,632 --> 00:02:02,133
or do 'em
at the same time?
51
00:02:02,167 --> 00:02:03,868
Um, they should've covered this
in orientation.
52
00:02:03,902 --> 00:02:06,337
Guards, have
the new guy executed!
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00:02:06,372 --> 00:02:07,772
Am I the new guy?
54
00:02:11,243 --> 00:02:13,277
All right, we're almost at
our jumping altitude .
55
00:02:13,312 --> 00:02:14,712
Does anyone have
any questions?
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00:02:14,747 --> 00:02:17,215
Yeah, I got one. Can I listen
to my iPod on the way down?
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00:02:17,249 --> 00:02:18,716
Of course. Just as long
58
00:02:18,751 --> 00:02:20,618
as it's not
Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'".
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00:02:20,652 --> 00:02:22,286
I'll just keep
it in my pocket.
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Any other questions?
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00:02:23,355 --> 00:02:24,555
Let's do this!
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That wasn't a question.
Back of the line.
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Okay, let's do this!
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00:02:29,661 --> 00:02:31,596
Hey!
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00:02:31,630 --> 00:02:33,030
Whoa, is that
Harrison Ford?
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00:02:33,065 --> 00:02:34,532
Yeah. It said in
the brochure
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00:02:34,566 --> 00:02:36,401
that he assists
with all the jumps.
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00:02:36,435 --> 00:02:40,304
Get off my plane!
Get off my plane!
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00:02:40,339 --> 00:02:42,440
Get off my plane!
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00:02:42,474 --> 00:02:44,876
Oh, look, he even brought
Calista Flockhart with him.
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00:02:44,910 --> 00:02:47,345
Uh, Peter, I think that's
just a piece of paper.
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00:02:47,379 --> 00:02:48,946
Good, 'cause
she looked fat.
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00:02:48,981 --> 00:02:51,115
Get off my plane!
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00:02:51,150 --> 00:02:53,518
Get off my plane!
Get off my plane!
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00:02:53,552 --> 00:02:55,153
All right!
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00:02:55,187 --> 00:02:57,355
Yeah! This is amazing!
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00:02:57,389 --> 00:02:58,823
I know,
it's unbelievable!
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00:02:58,857 --> 00:03:01,125
Hey, guys, let's try
to re-create this feeling
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00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,027
for the rest of our lives,
with drugs.
80
00:03:06,465 --> 00:03:08,032
Oh, it looks like
it's almost time
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00:03:08,066 --> 00:03:10,067
for us to pull our cords.
82
00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:11,702
Wait, wait, guys.
How about this?
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00:03:11,737 --> 00:03:14,071
Last one to open their chute
gets 20 bucks.
84
00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:15,807
Okay.
I'm in.
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00:03:18,444 --> 00:03:19,977
Damn it!
86
00:03:21,847 --> 00:03:24,348
I'm dead already, Peter.
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00:03:24,383 --> 00:03:26,017
You're looking
at a dead man.
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00:03:26,051 --> 00:03:28,986
I might not even pull
the cord at all.
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00:03:33,926 --> 00:03:35,693
Holy crap, this is awesome!
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00:03:35,727 --> 00:03:38,663
I haven't felt a rush like this
since I won that marathon!
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00:03:44,036 --> 00:03:45,336
I'm Bob Costas,
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00:03:45,370 --> 00:03:46,771
here with Boston Marathon
winner Peter Griffin.
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00:03:46,805 --> 00:03:48,105
Peter, how did you do it?
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00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:49,307
I'll tell ya, Bob.
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00:03:49,341 --> 00:03:51,209
I just got in my car
and drove it.
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00:03:51,243 --> 00:03:53,744
And when there was a guy
in my way, I killed him.
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00:03:57,115 --> 00:03:59,283
Kids, have you seen
your father?
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00:04:00,319 --> 00:04:01,452
Hello?
99
00:04:01,487 --> 00:04:03,488
Is dinner almost ready?!
100
00:04:03,522 --> 00:04:04,889
Yes, Peter.
God, where are you?
101
00:04:04,923 --> 00:04:06,224
I can barely hear you.
102
00:04:06,258 --> 00:04:08,392
Pull back my chair
ever so slightly.
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00:04:10,863 --> 00:04:12,930
Daddy's home.
104
00:04:15,133 --> 00:04:18,836
All right, it's 4:59.
In just a few seconds,
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00:04:18,871 --> 00:04:22,006
all the unreturned library books
will be officially late.
106
00:04:23,442 --> 00:04:26,844
The wieners was already drawed
in the books when I got 'em.
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00:04:29,047 --> 00:04:33,384
"Libra: A strange man will
drop into your life." Hmm.
108
00:04:36,321 --> 00:04:40,224
"Pisces: Be careful
at work today."
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00:04:41,793 --> 00:04:43,828
♪
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00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:51,002
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go...
111
00:04:51,036 --> 00:04:53,671
Aw! He so shoulda died!
This is bullcrap!
112
00:04:53,705 --> 00:04:55,172
Stop smiling.
113
00:04:55,207 --> 00:04:57,642
90% of the people
playing this are pooping.
114
00:05:00,979 --> 00:05:03,080
Hey, Lois, when are you
gonna do the laundry?
115
00:05:03,115 --> 00:05:04,682
I got, like, six
parachutes in there.
116
00:05:04,716 --> 00:05:06,877
Peter, those things are choking
up the washing machine.
117
00:05:06,885 --> 00:05:08,386
Oh, so now I got you
a bad washing machine
118
00:05:08,420 --> 00:05:09,854
for Christmas.
119
00:05:09,888 --> 00:05:10,922
Little tip, Stewie:
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00:05:10,956 --> 00:05:12,890
Love dies, and
that's okay.
121
00:05:12,925 --> 00:05:15,626
I write down all his advice
in a little notebook.
122
00:05:15,661 --> 00:05:17,828
Yesterday's was, "I've
never seen a pigeon die
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00:05:17,863 --> 00:05:19,063
"from eating food
on the ground,
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00:05:19,097 --> 00:05:20,898
so what's the big whoop?"
125
00:05:20,933 --> 00:05:23,067
Peter, this skydiving thing
has gotta stop.
126
00:05:23,101 --> 00:05:24,569
You've destroyed half
the neighborhood.
127
00:05:24,603 --> 00:05:26,938
And I'm afraid you're
gonna really hurt yourself.
128
00:05:26,972 --> 00:05:27,972
I'm sorry, Lois.
129
00:05:28,006 --> 00:05:29,674
But skydiving is
who I am now.
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00:05:29,708 --> 00:05:31,542
It's like they say,
fish gotta swim,
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00:05:31,577 --> 00:05:34,312
birds gotta fly,
and gay guys gotta criticize
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00:05:34,346 --> 00:05:36,113
the host of the party
behind his back.
133
00:05:36,148 --> 00:05:38,049
Oh, my God, look,
a bowl of M&M's.
134
00:05:38,083 --> 00:05:39,617
What are we, six?
135
00:05:39,651 --> 00:05:41,686
I know. And remind me
to get the recipe
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00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,220
for those chopped-up
hot dogs.
137
00:05:44,590 --> 00:05:47,158
Oh, my God, Josh,
this party is so amazing!
138
00:05:47,192 --> 00:05:50,227
Everything is perfect!
We're having so much fun!
139
00:05:50,262 --> 00:05:53,197
Oh, thanks! I'm so glad
you guys could make it!
140
00:05:53,231 --> 00:05:54,932
Come on. He saw us.
Let's go.
141
00:05:57,970 --> 00:05:59,804
First time?
142
00:05:59,838 --> 00:06:01,105
Yeah. You?
143
00:06:01,139 --> 00:06:03,808
No.
No, not my first time.
144
00:06:04,810 --> 00:06:06,744
Thanks for the lift, Gil.
145
00:06:06,778 --> 00:06:08,479
I think I'll take
the express down.
146
00:06:11,216 --> 00:06:13,551
♪
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Ah, just as gorgeous as ever.
148
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:31,502
Actually puts me in the mind
to write a spoken word poem.
149
00:06:31,536 --> 00:06:33,804
Am I falling or am I flying?
150
00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:36,641
Am I living or am I dying?
151
00:06:36,675 --> 00:06:39,010
O, Great Spirit, free me
152
00:06:39,044 --> 00:06:41,812
from the bonds of gravity
and criticism.
153
00:06:41,847 --> 00:06:43,914
Deliver me
from my greatest enemy.
154
00:06:43,949 --> 00:06:45,650
His name is Peter.
155
00:06:45,684 --> 00:06:49,186
More specifically,
Peter's Shyness In Public.
156
00:06:49,221 --> 00:06:50,788
O, Great Spirit,
157
00:06:50,822 --> 00:06:53,391
why do I hold myself back
in such situa...?
158
00:06:53,425 --> 00:06:55,559
Oh,
the ground!
159
00:06:55,594 --> 00:06:58,729
Damn it!
160
00:06:58,764 --> 00:07:00,031
The Eiffel Tower?
161
00:07:00,065 --> 00:07:01,799
Oh, cool, I'm in Paris!
162
00:07:01,833 --> 00:07:04,735
Hey, look at that douchebag
who got stabbed in the butt!
163
00:07:04,770 --> 00:07:07,571
Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas.
164
00:07:13,806 --> 00:07:15,707
Well, Peter, I'm glad
you're all right,
165
00:07:15,709 --> 00:07:18,310
but I hope this is the end
of your skydiving career.
166
00:07:18,344 --> 00:07:19,445
Yeah, I'm sorry, Lois.
167
00:07:19,479 --> 00:07:21,346
You know, when I thought
I was gonna die,
168
00:07:21,381 --> 00:07:23,716
I saw my whole life flash
before my eyes,
169
00:07:23,750 --> 00:07:26,452
and we did way too much
Star Wars crap.
170
00:07:26,486 --> 00:07:29,221
I should get the kids home.
It's way past dinner.
171
00:07:29,255 --> 00:07:31,056
What she really means is
172
00:07:31,091 --> 00:07:32,891
that it's shaky Mommy's
white wine time.
173
00:07:32,926 --> 00:07:35,094
Let's go, kids! Come on!
We really gotta go, kids.
174
00:07:35,128 --> 00:07:36,261
Let's go! Come on!
175
00:07:36,296 --> 00:07:39,064
Excuse me. Now that
your family is gone,
176
00:07:39,099 --> 00:07:41,400
would you mind if
we turn on the TV?
177
00:07:41,434 --> 00:07:43,569
Oh, hey. I didn't know
anyone was here.
178
00:07:43,603 --> 00:07:45,003
I, uh, I was just kidding
179
00:07:45,038 --> 00:07:46,905
when I told my family
I loved 'em.
180
00:07:46,940 --> 00:07:48,073
I am Mahmoud.
181
00:07:48,108 --> 00:07:51,043
I'm Peter. You know,
I never seen a hat
182
00:07:51,077 --> 00:07:53,078
like that before,
so I'm very scared of it.
183
00:07:53,113 --> 00:07:54,613
No, this is just
a taqiyah.
184
00:07:54,647 --> 00:07:56,348
It's a traditional
Muslim prayer cap.
185
00:07:56,382 --> 00:07:58,984
Oh. Hey, you know who'd look
funny wearing one of those?
186
00:07:59,018 --> 00:08:00,352
The Monopoly guy.
187
00:08:00,386 --> 00:08:02,788
Correct!
188
00:08:02,822 --> 00:08:05,090
Go directly to jail
and convert to Islam!
189
00:08:05,125 --> 00:08:07,192
'Cause they do that!
190
00:08:07,227 --> 00:08:09,828
Yes, that is what I intended.
191
00:08:09,863 --> 00:08:11,396
Hey, you're all right,
Mahmoud.
192
00:08:11,431 --> 00:08:12,698
You, too, Peter.
193
00:08:12,732 --> 00:08:14,399
So, what do you
wanna watch?
194
00:08:14,434 --> 00:08:16,702
Well, if you turn on
Channel 14,
195
00:08:16,736 --> 00:08:19,071
we can probably catch the end
of Muslim Looney Tunes.
196
00:08:22,675 --> 00:08:24,376
As a pig, I am very dirty
197
00:08:24,410 --> 00:08:26,845
and should not be touched
by humans.
198
00:08:30,049 --> 00:08:32,084
So, how was
the hospital, Peter?
199
00:08:32,118 --> 00:08:33,719
Oh, my God,
that place was incredible.
200
00:08:33,753 --> 00:08:36,855
They have this one jar, whole
thing was full of cotton balls.
201
00:08:36,890 --> 00:08:39,758
It's amazing how far
medical technology has come.
202
00:08:39,793 --> 00:08:41,960
Well, sure is good
to have you back.
203
00:08:41,995 --> 00:08:43,629
Joe is, uh...
204
00:08:43,663 --> 00:08:46,565
chattier than you'd think
he'd be when you're not here.
205
00:08:46,599 --> 00:08:47,666
Look, I'm just saying
206
00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:49,668
if "pro" is the opposite
of "con",
207
00:08:49,702 --> 00:08:51,370
what is the opposite
of "progress"?
208
00:08:51,404 --> 00:08:52,437
Think about it.
209
00:08:52,472 --> 00:08:53,739
You know, I actually had
210
00:08:53,773 --> 00:08:55,240
a pretty good time in
the hospital.
211
00:08:55,275 --> 00:08:56,942
I even made a new friend.
You did?
212
00:08:56,976 --> 00:08:58,076
Yeah, his name's Mahmoud.
213
00:08:58,111 --> 00:09:00,746
In fact, I told him to swing by
if he had time.
214
00:09:00,780 --> 00:09:01,780
It's "congress."
215
00:09:01,815 --> 00:09:03,081
Hello, Peter!
216
00:09:03,116 --> 00:09:05,384
Oh, hey! You made it!
Hey, guys, this is Mahmoud.
217
00:09:05,418 --> 00:09:07,152
Mahmoud, this is Brian,
Quagmire and Joe.
218
00:09:07,187 --> 00:09:08,187
Hello.
Hi, there.
219
00:09:08,221 --> 00:09:09,521
Hey, there.
Hello. How are you?
220
00:09:09,556 --> 00:09:10,756
Have a seat.
221
00:09:10,790 --> 00:09:12,791
Any friend of Peter's is
a friend of ours.
222
00:09:12,826 --> 00:09:15,060
Hey, Mahmoud, you know,
I'm actually glad you're here.
223
00:09:15,094 --> 00:09:16,595
Settle an argument
we were having earlier.
224
00:09:16,629 --> 00:09:17,963
Which Spanish chick has
better jugs:
225
00:09:17,997 --> 00:09:19,865
Salma Hayek
or the other one?
226
00:09:19,899 --> 00:09:22,367
Oh, but I do not pay
attention to such things.
227
00:09:22,402 --> 00:09:23,836
I am married.
What?
228
00:09:23,870 --> 00:09:25,304
Okay, well,
how about this, Mahmoud?
229
00:09:25,338 --> 00:09:27,172
You know "progress" has
the word "pro" in it, right?
230
00:09:27,207 --> 00:09:28,407
Shut up, Joe!
231
00:09:28,441 --> 00:09:30,709
Hey, you guys, come on.
Let's get the man a drink.
232
00:09:30,743 --> 00:09:31,810
What are you having?
233
00:09:31,845 --> 00:09:33,378
How about a ginger ale?
234
00:09:33,413 --> 00:09:36,248
But if you'll excuse me,
right now I have to go
235
00:09:36,282 --> 00:09:38,951
bring great shame to myself
by using the restroom.
236
00:09:38,985 --> 00:09:40,452
Isn't he great?
237
00:09:40,486 --> 00:09:41,453
No, he's weird.
238
00:09:41,487 --> 00:09:42,855
Why'd he order
a ginger ale?
239
00:09:42,889 --> 00:09:44,756
And who the hell doesn't
look at jugs?
240
00:09:44,791 --> 00:09:46,458
Yeah, and he's got
his cell phone clipped
241
00:09:46,492 --> 00:09:49,261
to his belt like he's some
kind of big shot on vacation.
242
00:09:49,295 --> 00:09:51,396
Oh, I see what's going on.
243
00:09:51,431 --> 00:09:53,532
You guys are uncomfortable with
Mahmoud because he's Muslim.
244
00:09:53,566 --> 00:09:55,367
What? What are you
talking about?
245
00:09:55,401 --> 00:09:57,336
This is your post-9/11 racism
talking.
246
00:09:57,370 --> 00:09:59,838
I, for one, think it's great
that Peter has enough
247
00:09:59,873 --> 00:10:01,974
of an open mind
to have a Muslim friend.
248
00:10:02,008 --> 00:10:05,043
You know, a lot of dogs
just sit outside, tied to poles.
249
00:10:05,078 --> 00:10:06,545
Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay?
250
00:10:06,579 --> 00:10:09,414
So he's Muslim.
Every culture has its quirks.
251
00:10:09,449 --> 00:10:11,383
Italian guys talk
with their hands a lot,
252
00:10:11,417 --> 00:10:12,885
Irish guys drink a lot,
253
00:10:12,919 --> 00:10:15,587
black guys change their shirts
while they tell you a story.
254
00:10:15,622 --> 00:10:17,823
So, how's Bernadette?
She's all right.
255
00:10:17,857 --> 00:10:19,458
She's taking interior
design classes
256
00:10:19,492 --> 00:10:21,059
down at the
community college.
257
00:10:21,094 --> 00:10:22,928
I mean, she's good at
haircutting and everything.
258
00:10:22,962 --> 00:10:25,163
They gave her the chair
right by the door.
259
00:10:25,198 --> 00:10:26,698
But I guess now
she wants
260
00:10:26,733 --> 00:10:28,600
to hang plates on the
wall or whatever.
261
00:10:28,635 --> 00:10:30,335
And you know she gained
the weight back
262
00:10:30,370 --> 00:10:31,336
from the Lap-Band,
right?
263
00:10:31,371 --> 00:10:33,005
That Bernadette
and her pie.
264
00:10:33,039 --> 00:10:34,473
You know it, brother.
265
00:10:34,507 --> 00:10:36,975
Okay, I'm gonna go eat this steak
in the bathroom.
266
00:10:37,010 --> 00:10:39,111
Thanks for getting
dinner, man.
267
00:10:45,151 --> 00:10:47,920
Wow, this place is
really cool, Mahmoud.
268
00:10:47,954 --> 00:10:50,289
It's like ear-bloodening
sounds had sex
269
00:10:50,323 --> 00:10:53,025
with nose-bloodening smells
and this is their baby.
270
00:10:53,059 --> 00:10:54,826
I am glad
you are enjoying yourself.
271
00:10:54,861 --> 00:10:57,162
Would you like some
of my meat fooshnoosh?
272
00:10:57,196 --> 00:10:59,598
It's a chicken that has
been yelled at for two hours
273
00:10:59,632 --> 00:11:01,433
and then run over
by a Mercedes.
274
00:11:01,467 --> 00:11:03,201
Mmm! Mmm! Oh!
275
00:11:03,236 --> 00:11:05,270
You can really taste
the fear in the chicken.
276
00:11:05,305 --> 00:11:06,371
You know, Peter,
277
00:11:06,406 --> 00:11:08,073
a lot of people are
not as accepting
278
00:11:08,107 --> 00:11:09,675
of Muslim culture
as you are.
279
00:11:09,709 --> 00:11:11,643
Well, I think everything
about it is the best.
280
00:11:11,678 --> 00:11:12,878
Like this hookah.
281
00:11:12,912 --> 00:11:14,446
I mean, who doesn't want
to sit around a table
282
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:16,481
with a bunch of guys and
suck on the same thing?
283
00:11:20,253 --> 00:11:23,388
Mmm, it's like smoking
my grandfather's jacket.
284
00:11:23,423 --> 00:11:25,457
Man, I wish I could stay
here all night, Mahmoud.
285
00:11:25,491 --> 00:11:26,792
But I'm supposed
to pick up
286
00:11:26,826 --> 00:11:28,147
the dry cleaning
before it closes.
287
00:11:28,161 --> 00:11:29,761
I killed a mouse
with my tie.
288
00:11:29,796 --> 00:11:30,796
Nonsense.
289
00:11:30,830 --> 00:11:32,297
I'll have my wife
pick it up for you.
290
00:11:32,332 --> 00:11:33,598
What?
She'd do that?
291
00:11:33,633 --> 00:11:35,734
Oh, absolutely.
292
00:11:35,768 --> 00:11:38,103
I need you to run an errand
for my friend Peter.
293
00:11:38,137 --> 00:11:39,137
Of course.
294
00:11:39,172 --> 00:11:40,839
Anything for you,
husband.
295
00:11:41,975 --> 00:11:43,141
That was amazing.
296
00:11:43,176 --> 00:11:44,876
She just listened
to everything you said.
297
00:11:44,911 --> 00:11:46,111
Of course she listened.
298
00:11:46,145 --> 00:11:47,179
In Muslim culture,
299
00:11:47,213 --> 00:11:48,981
wives are much more obedient.
300
00:11:49,015 --> 00:11:50,515
No way!
That's awesome!
301
00:11:50,550 --> 00:11:51,950
So wait, let me
get this straight:
302
00:11:51,985 --> 00:11:53,618
Sweet hat, obedient wife,
303
00:11:53,653 --> 00:11:55,954
and I get to shout
"Admiral Akbar"
304
00:11:55,989 --> 00:11:57,022
when I do stuff?
305
00:11:57,056 --> 00:11:59,891
You, sir, have got
yourself a Muslim.
306
00:12:05,498 --> 00:12:06,665
Peter, where
are you going?
307
00:12:06,699 --> 00:12:08,200
And why are you
dressed like that?
308
00:12:08,234 --> 00:12:10,068
Well, Lois, I happen
to be a Muslim now,
309
00:12:10,103 --> 00:12:11,803
which means I'll be
spending a lot of my time
310
00:12:11,838 --> 00:12:14,006
in mostly-empty cafes,
watching soccer
311
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,841
on an eight-inch
black-and-white TV.
312
00:12:15,875 --> 00:12:17,676
Yes! The team I like
is kicking it!
313
00:12:17,710 --> 00:12:19,578
Oh no! The team I don't like
is kicking it!
314
00:12:19,612 --> 00:12:21,613
Yes! The team I like
is kicking it again!
315
00:12:21,647 --> 00:12:23,515
I will celebrate
with finger cymbals.
316
00:12:25,752 --> 00:12:26,985
Hey, is that for real,
317
00:12:27,020 --> 00:12:30,055
that-that "Diarrhea Only" sign
on your bathroom?
318
00:12:33,092 --> 00:12:34,793
Peter, this is my friend Omar.
319
00:12:34,827 --> 00:12:36,661
He can teach you many things
about our faith,
320
00:12:36,696 --> 00:12:38,096
including how to ululate.
321
00:12:38,131 --> 00:12:39,798
What's that?
It's this:
322
00:12:41,067 --> 00:12:43,001
Oh, my God!
That's terrifying.
323
00:12:43,036 --> 00:12:44,236
I don't know if
I'm ready for that.
324
00:12:44,270 --> 00:12:45,570
No, Peter, it's okay.
325
00:12:45,605 --> 00:12:47,539
Just sing the
beginning of "La Bamba,"
326
00:12:47,573 --> 00:12:49,105
but don't say the
"La Bamba" part.
327
00:12:49,130 --> 00:12:50,108
Oh, okay.
328
00:12:50,109 --> 00:12:51,376
Yes, good job!
329
00:12:51,411 --> 00:12:52,577
You're doing it!
♪ Bamba.
330
00:12:52,612 --> 00:12:54,046
Ooh, so close.
331
00:12:56,015 --> 00:12:58,717
All right, Lois,
I'm off to the bazaar.
332
00:12:58,751 --> 00:12:59,718
What do you mean?
333
00:12:59,752 --> 00:13:00,719
You mean the market?
334
00:13:00,753 --> 00:13:01,787
Yeah, the bazaar.
335
00:13:01,821 --> 00:13:02,988
Well, if you're
going to the market,
336
00:13:03,022 --> 00:13:04,222
can you pick
up some cereal,
337
00:13:04,257 --> 00:13:05,537
some butter, and
a loaf of bread?
338
00:13:05,558 --> 00:13:06,892
I'll see what
they have.
339
00:13:06,926 --> 00:13:08,693
All right, Lois.
340
00:13:08,728 --> 00:13:10,328
Here's six cobras,
a bolt of silk,
341
00:13:10,363 --> 00:13:11,430
and a ram's horn.
342
00:13:11,464 --> 00:13:12,531
Peter, what the hell?
343
00:13:12,565 --> 00:13:14,599
Hey, can you help me
with the 20 paper bags
344
00:13:14,634 --> 00:13:16,034
of dates I got in the car?
345
00:13:16,069 --> 00:13:18,403
Why the hell would you
get 20 bags of dates?
346
00:13:18,438 --> 00:13:20,539
The monkey in the little
vest who was selling them
347
00:13:20,573 --> 00:13:21,807
happened to be
very persuasive.
348
00:13:21,841 --> 00:13:22,908
You know what?
349
00:13:22,942 --> 00:13:23,909
Fine.
350
00:13:23,943 --> 00:13:25,510
I'm just gonna
assume this will pass,
351
00:13:25,545 --> 00:13:28,580
like your "everywhere is a
racquetball court" phase.
352
00:13:40,026 --> 00:13:41,927
So, Mike, now that you've
thoroughly kicked my butt
353
00:13:41,961 --> 00:13:43,762
all over the court,
what do you say we take
354
00:13:43,796 --> 00:13:45,864
one quick second to talk
about the Wichita account?
355
00:13:45,898 --> 00:13:48,100
And let me assure you,
my racquetball game
356
00:13:48,134 --> 00:13:50,769
is no indication of how we do
business here at J.T. Stern.
357
00:13:51,804 --> 00:13:53,505
Okay, zero serving zero.
358
00:13:55,875 --> 00:13:57,309
I have to say, Peter,
359
00:13:57,343 --> 00:13:58,743
I am impressed by how much
360
00:13:58,778 --> 00:14:00,278
you have committed
yourself to Islam.
361
00:14:00,313 --> 00:14:01,546
Are you kidding?
It's awesome.
362
00:14:01,581 --> 00:14:03,248
I even started wearing
leather sandals
363
00:14:03,282 --> 00:14:04,716
with way-too-long
toenails.
364
00:14:04,750 --> 00:14:06,351
See how the big ones
are getting yellow?
365
00:14:06,385 --> 00:14:08,286
Ah, yes, very Muslim.
366
00:14:08,321 --> 00:14:10,689
Listen, Peter, some
friends of mine and I
367
00:14:10,723 --> 00:14:11,990
are getting
together tonight
368
00:14:12,024 --> 00:14:13,859
and we wanted to invite
you to join us.
369
00:14:13,893 --> 00:14:15,827
O.M.A.
370
00:14:15,862 --> 00:14:17,129
I am so there!
371
00:14:17,163 --> 00:14:18,697
Whose crappy van
should we take?
372
00:14:18,731 --> 00:14:20,132
Actually, we are
meeting here.
373
00:14:20,166 --> 00:14:22,067
Follow me.
374
00:14:23,803 --> 00:14:24,769
Oh, hey, you guys.
375
00:14:24,804 --> 00:14:26,138
Hey, is anyone
gonna object
376
00:14:26,172 --> 00:14:27,973
if I pick my nose
with a dagger?
377
00:14:28,007 --> 00:14:29,441
Mahmoud,
who is this man?
378
00:14:29,475 --> 00:14:30,742
Why would you
bring him here?
379
00:14:30,776 --> 00:14:32,410
Do not worry.
This is Peter.
380
00:14:32,445 --> 00:14:33,745
He believes
in our cause.
381
00:14:33,779 --> 00:14:35,180
How can
you be sure?
382
00:14:35,214 --> 00:14:36,214
Give him the test.
383
00:14:38,484 --> 00:14:39,584
Who is better?
384
00:14:39,619 --> 00:14:41,853
Hulk Hogan or the Iron Sheik?
385
00:14:41,888 --> 00:14:44,189
Um, the Iron Sheik?
386
00:14:44,223 --> 00:14:46,024
Okay. He is one of us.
387
00:14:46,058 --> 00:14:47,159
I told you.
388
00:14:47,193 --> 00:14:48,960
Look at him,
he is the perfect man
389
00:14:48,995 --> 00:14:51,062
to help us blow up
the Quahog Bridge.
390
00:14:53,766 --> 00:14:55,066
Ah! Oh my God!
391
00:14:55,101 --> 00:14:56,067
Everybody down!
392
00:14:57,336 --> 00:14:59,571
So are these toys just, like,
to take?
393
00:15:05,995 --> 00:15:08,096
Hey, guys, what football
team should I like?
394
00:15:08,130 --> 00:15:09,464
Mahmoud says
we all need
395
00:15:09,498 --> 00:15:11,132
to act like we're fans
of American football
396
00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:14,736
so we seem less...
b-buh... buhspicious.
397
00:15:14,770 --> 00:15:16,170
What?
What are you talking about?
398
00:15:16,205 --> 00:15:17,572
I'm talking about Mahmoud.
399
00:15:17,606 --> 00:15:19,474
You know, I actually feel
really bad for him.
400
00:15:19,508 --> 00:15:22,510
Did you know he knew 19 guys
who died on 9/11?
401
00:15:22,545 --> 00:15:23,845
I mean, what are the odds?
402
00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:25,146
Peter, I think
you joined
403
00:15:25,180 --> 00:15:26,581
a terrorist
sleeper cell.
404
00:15:26,615 --> 00:15:28,049
What?! That's crazy.
405
00:15:28,083 --> 00:15:29,851
Look, I'm gonna
call Mahmoud right now
406
00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:31,319
on this cell
phone he gave me.
407
00:15:31,353 --> 00:15:32,120
He'll tell you.
408
00:15:34,957 --> 00:15:35,990
Damn phone's busted.
409
00:15:36,025 --> 00:15:37,058
Maybe I dialed wrong.
410
00:15:40,496 --> 00:15:42,330
Peter, please stop trying
to call Mahmoud.
411
00:15:42,364 --> 00:15:43,498
This is very
serious.
412
00:15:43,532 --> 00:15:44,966
Your friends
are terrorists.
413
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,200
Think about it.
414
00:15:46,235 --> 00:15:47,635
They're... they're
meeting in secret,
415
00:15:47,670 --> 00:15:49,470
they're creating
cover stories...
416
00:15:49,505 --> 00:15:51,039
Oh, my God, you're right!
417
00:15:51,073 --> 00:15:52,974
See, I told you
Mahmoud was bad news!
418
00:15:53,008 --> 00:15:54,509
Those guys are
all bad news.
419
00:15:54,543 --> 00:15:55,944
Hang on there,
Quagmire.
420
00:15:55,978 --> 00:15:58,012
Just because these few
guys are terrorists
421
00:15:58,047 --> 00:15:59,547
doesn't mean
all Muslims are.
422
00:15:59,582 --> 00:16:01,950
Every ethnic group
has their nut-jobs.
423
00:16:01,984 --> 00:16:04,118
We have the Unabomber,
Timothy McVeigh,
424
00:16:04,153 --> 00:16:06,187
and even that fat guy
at the Atlanta Olympics
425
00:16:06,221 --> 00:16:07,889
who didn't do it,
but he looked mean,
426
00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:09,257
so we said he did.
427
00:16:09,291 --> 00:16:11,411
Joe, you don't get to talk
about the regular Olympics.
428
00:16:11,427 --> 00:16:13,027
Well, I gotta go
down there right now
429
00:16:13,062 --> 00:16:14,696
and tell Mahmoud we can't
be friends anymore.
430
00:16:14,730 --> 00:16:15,830
Wait a minute, Peter.
431
00:16:15,864 --> 00:16:17,932
This could actually
be an opportunity.
432
00:16:17,967 --> 00:16:19,801
You're already
in their group.
433
00:16:19,835 --> 00:16:21,135
They trust you.
434
00:16:21,170 --> 00:16:23,504
If you can find out what
they're planning next,
435
00:16:23,539 --> 00:16:26,207
we might actually be able
to stop an act of terror.
436
00:16:26,241 --> 00:16:27,609
You'd be a hero.
437
00:16:27,643 --> 00:16:30,244
Well, I...
I could try.
438
00:16:30,279 --> 00:16:31,879
I mean, I am a
pretty good actor.
439
00:16:31,914 --> 00:16:33,448
Remember how upset
I seemed to get
440
00:16:33,482 --> 00:16:34,916
when Lois said she
was leaving town
441
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:36,451
with the kids
for a few days?
442
00:16:36,485 --> 00:16:38,820
Oh, my God, I'm gonna
miss you guys so much.
443
00:16:38,854 --> 00:16:40,455
Don't forget to call
and let me know
444
00:16:40,489 --> 00:16:42,490
exactly when
you'll be back.
445
00:16:42,524 --> 00:16:43,524
Get out.
446
00:16:47,830 --> 00:16:49,397
Okay, you're all set.
447
00:16:49,431 --> 00:16:52,300
Remember, we'll be in the van
listening to everything,
448
00:16:52,334 --> 00:16:53,568
so if anything goes wrong,
449
00:16:53,602 --> 00:16:55,069
we'll pull you right
out of there.
450
00:16:55,104 --> 00:16:56,204
Don't you worry, Joe.
451
00:16:56,238 --> 00:16:57,905
I'll blend in
like a chameleon
452
00:16:57,940 --> 00:16:59,741
in Courtney
Love's crotch.
453
00:16:59,775 --> 00:17:01,342
Oh my God!
454
00:17:01,377 --> 00:17:02,610
Where did you
just come from?
455
00:17:02,645 --> 00:17:05,747
A very, very
bad hiding place.
456
00:17:09,184 --> 00:17:11,185
Okay, before we get started,
457
00:17:11,220 --> 00:17:13,087
I have an announcement
from headquarters.
458
00:17:13,122 --> 00:17:14,722
"No more shorts."
459
00:17:14,757 --> 00:17:17,225
And this isn't coming from me,
this is management.
460
00:17:17,259 --> 00:17:18,726
This is about me, isn't it?
461
00:17:18,761 --> 00:17:20,094
They don't name names.
462
00:17:20,129 --> 00:17:23,598
They just say,
"No more shorts," okay?
463
00:17:23,632 --> 00:17:25,366
All right, this is our target.
464
00:17:25,401 --> 00:17:26,467
The Quahog Bridge.
465
00:17:26,502 --> 00:17:28,136
We loaded a van
with explosives,
466
00:17:28,170 --> 00:17:29,771
which we will drive
to the bridge and...
467
00:17:29,805 --> 00:17:31,406
Wait a minute-- explosives?
468
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,441
Is this not improv class?
469
00:17:33,475 --> 00:17:34,108
No.
470
00:17:34,143 --> 00:17:35,109
Is...
471
00:17:35,144 --> 00:17:36,210
is this improv?
472
00:17:36,245 --> 00:17:37,612
Are you doing improv?
473
00:17:37,646 --> 00:17:39,447
No. Now get out that door!
474
00:17:42,718 --> 00:17:44,085
The real door!
475
00:17:45,654 --> 00:17:47,055
Yes, I have a question:
476
00:17:47,089 --> 00:17:49,190
When exactly are we
doing the bombing?
477
00:17:49,224 --> 00:17:50,692
The attack will
happen tomorrow
478
00:17:50,726 --> 00:17:52,260
during afternoon
rush hour.
479
00:17:52,294 --> 00:17:54,228
And that's actually where
you come in, Peter.
480
00:17:54,263 --> 00:17:56,998
In order to get past the
checkpoint at the toll plaza,
481
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:59,467
we will need an American
behind the wheel
482
00:17:59,501 --> 00:18:01,769
to arouse the least amount
of suspicion.
483
00:18:01,804 --> 00:18:03,171
Sorry, can you repeat all that?
484
00:18:03,205 --> 00:18:05,206
I just had an itch
right by my microphone.
485
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,240
Microphone?!
486
00:18:07,309 --> 00:18:08,543
He's wearing a wire!
487
00:18:12,681 --> 00:18:14,415
Hey, Joe, can I ask
you a question?
488
00:18:14,450 --> 00:18:16,150
Can you fart?
Oh, of course I can.
489
00:18:16,185 --> 00:18:17,485
I've got a button
for it right here.
490
00:18:19,054 --> 00:18:20,054
Aw, cool!
491
00:18:22,024 --> 00:18:23,925
Hold on. Oh, no!
492
00:18:23,959 --> 00:18:25,727
It sounds like they
found Peter's wire!
493
00:18:25,761 --> 00:18:27,428
Change of plans.
494
00:18:27,463 --> 00:18:29,797
The attack happens now.
495
00:18:37,539 --> 00:18:38,706
Now drive.
496
00:18:38,741 --> 00:18:40,575
Man, I never thought
it would end like this.
497
00:18:40,609 --> 00:18:42,276
Why, what did
you imagine?
498
00:18:42,311 --> 00:18:45,146
Basically the same thing,
only Nathan Lane.
499
00:18:45,180 --> 00:18:48,116
♪ Now, drive!
500
00:19:00,696 --> 00:19:02,163
Okay, you're
good to go.
501
00:19:06,502 --> 00:19:08,069
Pull over up here.
502
00:19:10,439 --> 00:19:12,707
Please, Mahmoud,
don't do this.
503
00:19:12,741 --> 00:19:13,775
It is too late.
504
00:19:13,809 --> 00:19:15,009
The job must be done.
505
00:19:15,043 --> 00:19:16,811
Look, I know you're mad
at our government,
506
00:19:16,845 --> 00:19:19,580
but you gotta realize,
that's only part of America.
507
00:19:19,615 --> 00:19:20,982
We're the land of the free
508
00:19:21,016 --> 00:19:23,184
and the home of the sunburnt,
freckled fat guy.
509
00:19:23,218 --> 00:19:25,486
A place where Jenny McCarthy
has a role
510
00:19:25,521 --> 00:19:27,488
in the debate over
childhood vaccinations.
511
00:19:27,523 --> 00:19:29,857
A country where you can walk
into any IHOP
512
00:19:29,892 --> 00:19:31,292
and see black women fighting.
513
00:19:31,326 --> 00:19:33,461
And where Ubu is considered
a good dog
514
00:19:33,495 --> 00:19:34,695
even though he never sat.
515
00:19:34,730 --> 00:19:36,697
We're the proud nation
where someone can
516
00:19:36,732 --> 00:19:38,733
shoot up their entire workplace
with a thing,
517
00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:41,569
and then the next day nobody
talks about banning that thing.
518
00:19:41,603 --> 00:19:43,771
It's the land that
lets people on Twitter
519
00:19:43,806 --> 00:19:45,873
spell the word "their"
any way they want.
520
00:19:45,908 --> 00:19:47,542
And where, if you think
you can dance,
521
00:19:47,576 --> 00:19:50,344
that assertion will be
challenged and evaluated.
522
00:19:50,379 --> 00:19:51,445
For we...
523
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,114
are America.
524
00:19:53,148 --> 00:19:54,515
You will not convince me.
525
00:19:54,550 --> 00:19:56,951
America must pay for its sins!
526
00:20:00,489 --> 00:20:01,956
Hold it right there!
527
00:20:04,293 --> 00:20:06,327
Mahmoud, you're under arrest.
528
00:20:06,361 --> 00:20:08,763
Look, Joe,
I drove a van.
529
00:20:15,137 --> 00:20:17,772
Oh, Peter,
I'm so glad you're okay.
530
00:20:17,806 --> 00:20:19,473
Oh, me too, Lois.
531
00:20:19,508 --> 00:20:21,008
That was some
pretty rough stuff.
532
00:20:21,043 --> 00:20:24,045
You... you didn't
cry, did you?
533
00:20:24,079 --> 00:20:26,314
Well, I mean, I went
through an awful lot.
534
00:20:26,348 --> 00:20:28,783
Peter, if you cried,
we are done.
535
00:20:28,817 --> 00:20:30,318
Great job, Peter.
536
00:20:30,352 --> 00:20:32,653
Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are
behind bars,
537
00:20:32,688 --> 00:20:34,322
and every middle-class Arab
in this town
538
00:20:34,356 --> 00:20:36,290
is now under suspicion.
539
00:20:36,325 --> 00:20:37,291
So what
happens next,
540
00:20:37,326 --> 00:20:38,447
do those guys
all get trials?
541
00:20:38,460 --> 00:20:40,695
Well, you know...
542
00:20:40,729 --> 00:20:44,031
It's a long... it's the
process, and... whatever.
543
00:20:44,066 --> 00:20:45,299
Well, what do
you guys say
544
00:20:45,334 --> 00:20:46,968
we all go celebrate
at the Clam?
545
00:20:47,002 --> 00:20:48,135
That's a great idea.
546
00:20:48,170 --> 00:20:50,071
Yeah, I think we could
all use a drink.
547
00:20:50,105 --> 00:20:51,606
Tell you what,
let me call Horace
548
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,841
and tell him to
get our table ready.
549
00:20:55,844 --> 00:20:57,812
Peter, did you just...
Let's go, let's go, let's go...
550
00:20:57,846 --> 00:21:02,846
== sync, corrected by elderman ==