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00:00:02,452 --> 00:00:05,625
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,725 --> 00:00:09,011
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:09,045 --> 00:00:12,564
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:12,599 --> 00:00:15,567
♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:28,420 --> 00:00:32,420
♪ Family Guy 11x14 ♪
Call Girl
Original Air Date on March 10, 2013
11
00:00:32,421 --> 00:00:36,421
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:36,422 --> 00:00:38,090
Hey, Chris, what
do you got there?
13
00:00:38,124 --> 00:00:40,325
I made a birdhouse
at school today.
14
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:41,743
Oh, looks an
awful lot like
15
00:00:41,778 --> 00:00:43,445
the Governor's
Mansion from Benson.
16
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:45,147
It is.
I'm fond of the series,
17
00:00:45,181 --> 00:00:47,382
and I wanted the local birds
to be aware of that.
18
00:00:47,417 --> 00:00:48,984
Well, I'll be on the lookout
for great tits.
19
00:00:49,018 --> 00:00:50,252
Peter!
20
00:00:50,270 --> 00:00:51,837
Well, actually, Lois,
that's a species of bird
21
00:00:51,871 --> 00:00:54,106
that's known to frequent
domestic birdhouses.
22
00:00:54,140 --> 00:00:55,824
It's why I've always
wanted a birdhouse.
23
00:00:55,859 --> 00:00:56,899
Hey, Lois,
let's go outside
24
00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:58,477
and see if we can
find some great tits.
25
00:00:58,511 --> 00:01:00,145
'Cause there certainly
ain't any in here!
26
00:01:00,180 --> 00:01:02,347
Remember those two
we saw last night?
27
00:01:02,382 --> 00:01:04,049
One was bigger
than the other.
28
00:01:04,083 --> 00:01:05,667
Yeah, and-and the bigger one
had a hair
29
00:01:05,702 --> 00:01:07,102
sticking out
of that pointy thing.
30
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,937
What do you call
that pointy thing, again?
31
00:01:08,972 --> 00:01:09,972
The beak?
Okay.
32
00:01:10,006 --> 00:01:11,139
Come on, Dad!
33
00:01:11,174 --> 00:01:13,408
Maybe we can get the birds
to act out the Benson
34
00:01:13,443 --> 00:01:15,911
where a scheduling snafu
forces the governor to decide
35
00:01:15,945 --> 00:01:19,348
between meeting the president
or going to Katie's school play!
36
00:01:19,382 --> 00:01:20,465
Yay!
37
00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:22,017
Scatterbrained governor.
38
00:01:23,052 --> 00:01:24,236
Welp, there she is.
39
00:01:24,270 --> 00:01:25,404
A birdhouse.
40
00:01:25,438 --> 00:01:26,839
I just hope whoever moves in
41
00:01:26,873 --> 00:01:29,007
doesn't mind the Persian birds
next door.
42
00:01:29,042 --> 00:01:30,576
Eh, tweet, tweet.
43
00:01:30,610 --> 00:01:32,928
Check out my expensive fountain.
44
00:01:34,214 --> 00:01:35,747
Dad, look.
45
00:01:38,384 --> 00:01:40,352
You built
a great birdhouse, son.
46
00:01:40,386 --> 00:01:41,653
I'm real proud of you.
47
00:01:41,688 --> 00:01:42,821
Thanks, Dad.
48
00:01:45,241 --> 00:01:46,441
No!
49
00:01:46,476 --> 00:01:47,492
What just happened?!
50
00:01:47,527 --> 00:01:48,861
What was that thing?!
51
00:01:48,895 --> 00:01:50,863
I don't know. Some
kind of super bird.
52
00:01:50,897 --> 00:01:52,965
Or maybe an average bird
who bought a Bowflex.
53
00:01:52,999 --> 00:01:55,667
Well, that super bird
ruined everything!
54
00:01:55,702 --> 00:01:57,536
Indeed, a force to
be reckoned with,
55
00:01:57,570 --> 00:02:00,038
like Secretary of
Energy Steven Chu.
56
00:02:00,073 --> 00:02:02,174
Secretary Chu,
Ways and Means
57
00:02:02,208 --> 00:02:04,142
has sent over
a preliminary budget.
58
00:02:04,177 --> 00:02:05,594
It looks like
the Department of Energy
59
00:02:05,628 --> 00:02:07,829
is looking at
a four-percent budget cut.
60
00:02:09,749 --> 00:02:11,083
Okay, no budget cut.
61
00:02:11,117 --> 00:02:13,185
No budget cut.
62
00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:18,240
Has anyone seen your father?
63
00:02:18,274 --> 00:02:19,608
It's almost 6:00.
64
00:02:19,642 --> 00:02:20,742
I am here.
65
00:02:20,777 --> 00:02:23,979
Family, I want you to
meet my falcon, Xerxes.
66
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:25,380
I'm a falconer now.
67
00:02:25,415 --> 00:02:26,582
And yet for Christmas,
68
00:02:26,616 --> 00:02:28,617
I got a wrapped
scrambled egg.
69
00:02:29,903 --> 00:02:31,637
Peter, that falcon
looks pretty dangerous.
70
00:02:31,671 --> 00:02:33,188
Yeah, Peter, get rid
of that thing right now
71
00:02:33,222 --> 00:02:34,189
and eat your dinner.
72
00:02:34,223 --> 00:02:35,190
No!
73
00:02:35,224 --> 00:02:36,191
I am a falconer
74
00:02:36,225 --> 00:02:38,110
and I will eat
whatever Xerxes brings me.
75
00:02:38,144 --> 00:02:39,861
Feed master.
76
00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:45,417
Peter, what the hell?
77
00:02:48,554 --> 00:02:51,556
For Xerxes,
every meal is a pageant.
78
00:02:53,159 --> 00:02:54,142
Hey, Peter.
79
00:02:54,177 --> 00:02:55,377
Oh, falcon. Cool.
80
00:02:55,411 --> 00:02:56,411
Hi, falcon.
81
00:02:56,446 --> 00:02:57,879
Whoa, whoa, easy
there, fella.
82
00:02:57,914 --> 00:02:59,881
Xerxes.
His name is Xerxes.
83
00:02:59,916 --> 00:03:01,316
Uh, what does
Xerxes eat?
84
00:03:01,351 --> 00:03:03,485
Rodents.
Now if you'll excuse me...
85
00:03:03,519 --> 00:03:04,753
What the hell?!
86
00:03:04,787 --> 00:03:06,121
Peter, make him stop!
87
00:03:06,155 --> 00:03:08,991
Hey, what do you got
going on down there, Quagmire?
88
00:03:09,025 --> 00:03:10,626
You got a, you got
a rodent situation?
89
00:03:10,660 --> 00:03:11,693
Uh, no!
90
00:03:11,728 --> 00:03:13,228
Well, Xerxes seems
to think there is.
91
00:03:13,262 --> 00:03:14,229
Get him off, Peter!
92
00:03:14,263 --> 00:03:15,597
Admit you got
a rodent in there.
93
00:03:15,632 --> 00:03:16,615
Peter!
Admit it!
94
00:03:18,167 --> 00:03:19,851
Aw, you scared him
out the front.
95
00:03:19,886 --> 00:03:21,169
Tony, come back!
96
00:03:27,477 --> 00:03:29,911
Oh, what... what...
97
00:03:29,946 --> 00:03:31,713
What do I do?
What do I do?
98
00:03:31,748 --> 00:03:34,149
Well, just hope he's not
standing on your soft spot.
99
00:03:34,183 --> 00:03:35,350
Well, is that possible?
100
00:03:35,385 --> 00:03:36,905
Because that could
really mess up my...
101
00:03:40,189 --> 00:03:41,723
Mom, I need
money for lunch.
102
00:03:41,758 --> 00:03:42,824
Oh, God.
103
00:03:42,859 --> 00:03:43,959
I'm sorry, Chris.
104
00:03:43,993 --> 00:03:46,128
My purse has been
missing for a day now.
105
00:03:46,162 --> 00:03:47,462
I-I can't find
it anywhere.
106
00:03:47,497 --> 00:03:48,497
Not to worry, Lois.
107
00:03:48,531 --> 00:03:49,665
Xerxes will find it.
108
00:03:49,699 --> 00:03:51,933
Xerxes, find Lois's purse.
109
00:03:55,488 --> 00:03:57,505
This is
your purse now.
110
00:03:57,523 --> 00:03:59,775
Peter, I can't carry
my money in this.
111
00:04:00,827 --> 00:04:02,694
Yeah, her money.
112
00:04:03,763 --> 00:04:06,164
You're gonna love the park,
Xerxes.
113
00:04:10,186 --> 00:04:12,604
I think you know
what I want.
114
00:04:14,891 --> 00:04:15,807
This is awesome.
115
00:04:15,842 --> 00:04:17,676
We should have our own TV show.
116
00:04:17,727 --> 00:04:19,511
♪
117
00:04:51,044 --> 00:04:53,178
So what do you think
about a platonic shower?
118
00:04:55,782 --> 00:04:57,182
Are you Peter Griffin?
119
00:04:57,216 --> 00:04:58,150
Yes, sir, I am.
120
00:04:58,184 --> 00:04:59,451
I represent the man
121
00:04:59,485 --> 00:05:01,553
whose sidecar motorcycle
you stole yesterday.
122
00:05:01,587 --> 00:05:03,121
You've piqued my
interest, go on.
123
00:05:03,156 --> 00:05:06,558
Unfortunately for you,
that man is very, very Jewish
124
00:05:06,592 --> 00:05:08,794
and is suing you
for everything you've got.
125
00:05:08,828 --> 00:05:10,278
Including the falcon.
126
00:05:10,313 --> 00:05:12,030
No! Not Xerxes!
127
00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:16,034
You won't get away with this.
128
00:05:16,069 --> 00:05:18,230
Wait till American Airlines'
magazine hears about this!
129
00:05:20,256 --> 00:05:21,923
Hello, American Airlines'
magazine?
130
00:05:21,958 --> 00:05:24,059
Have I got a scoop for you.
131
00:05:25,094 --> 00:05:26,912
"Falcon stolen."
132
00:05:26,946 --> 00:05:28,747
Ew, there's a toenail in this.
133
00:05:28,781 --> 00:05:30,632
Guess I'll just go back
to coughing.
134
00:05:39,892 --> 00:05:41,359
Now what are we gonna do?
135
00:05:41,394 --> 00:05:42,627
We have no money.
136
00:05:42,662 --> 00:05:45,230
That's okay, Lois,
we got a wonderful family.
137
00:05:45,264 --> 00:05:46,364
No, we don't.
138
00:05:46,399 --> 00:05:48,150
There's Meg and Dummy
and Big Head.
139
00:05:48,184 --> 00:05:49,317
Damn it, Peter,
140
00:05:49,352 --> 00:05:50,986
I'm probably gonna
have to get a job.
141
00:05:51,020 --> 00:05:53,138
Oh, thank God. Thought I was
gonna have to go back
142
00:05:53,172 --> 00:05:55,073
to being on
Live with Kelly and Peter.
143
00:05:55,108 --> 00:05:58,226
So exhausting having to do
that open-mouth smile
144
00:05:58,261 --> 00:05:59,861
while the guest
does their bit.
145
00:05:59,896 --> 00:06:02,597
We're here with The Good
Wife's Christine Baranski.
146
00:06:02,632 --> 00:06:04,699
So, Christine, you've
actually won an Emmy,
147
00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:05,767
is that right?
148
00:06:05,802 --> 00:06:08,436
Yes, for playing
Maryann on Cybill.
149
00:06:08,471 --> 00:06:09,838
Ah.
150
00:06:09,872 --> 00:06:11,306
But my character
on The Good Wife
151
00:06:11,340 --> 00:06:13,942
is such a complete
departure from Maryann.
152
00:06:13,976 --> 00:06:15,410
Ah!
153
00:06:15,444 --> 00:06:17,846
You've also had
quite a stage career.
154
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:19,548
I believe you
won a Tony Award?
155
00:06:19,582 --> 00:06:21,449
Well, actually,
I've won two.
156
00:06:21,484 --> 00:06:23,018
Ah!
157
00:06:23,052 --> 00:06:24,419
And one more question,
darling.
158
00:06:24,453 --> 00:06:25,554
Who are you?
159
00:06:30,359 --> 00:06:33,728
Excuse me, would you mind
taking a look at my résumé?
160
00:06:33,762 --> 00:06:35,580
I haven't had
an interview in a while,
161
00:06:35,615 --> 00:06:38,733
and I want to make sure
it's formatted correctly.
162
00:06:41,771 --> 00:06:43,205
Looks okay.
Good.
163
00:06:43,239 --> 00:06:45,590
It's not too braggy?
164
00:06:45,625 --> 00:06:47,626
Hi, I'm sorry,
165
00:06:47,660 --> 00:06:49,327
I couldn't help
but overhear you.
166
00:06:49,362 --> 00:06:51,329
You have an amazing
speaking voice.
167
00:06:51,380 --> 00:06:52,631
My name's Randy.
168
00:06:52,665 --> 00:06:54,900
I can get you steady work
with a voice like that.
169
00:06:54,934 --> 00:06:55,901
Really?
170
00:06:55,935 --> 00:06:57,502
Wow, thank you.
171
00:06:57,537 --> 00:06:58,904
This is great.
172
00:06:58,938 --> 00:07:01,506
Now I won't have to become
a Mary Kay saleswoman.
173
00:07:01,541 --> 00:07:03,275
So, what makes
these shampoos
174
00:07:03,309 --> 00:07:05,110
different from the ones
at the supermarket?
175
00:07:05,144 --> 00:07:08,013
These shampoos
have been in my car.
176
00:07:12,418 --> 00:07:13,418
Guess what everybody?
177
00:07:13,452 --> 00:07:15,587
Oh, my God!
Tampons and groceries?
178
00:07:15,621 --> 00:07:19,491
No-- well, yes--
but also I got discovered today.
179
00:07:19,525 --> 00:07:21,776
I could be one of those
famous voice-over artists
180
00:07:21,811 --> 00:07:24,095
you hear on TV or in the movies.
181
00:07:24,130 --> 00:07:25,530
Ugh, her doing voice-over?
182
00:07:25,565 --> 00:07:26,932
Who wants to hear that?
183
00:07:26,966 --> 00:07:29,117
Maybe she could be one
of those annoying voices
184
00:07:29,151 --> 00:07:31,703
that goes, "Ah, ah, ah,
not that product."
185
00:07:31,737 --> 00:07:33,972
Which of these
leading brands of canned soup
186
00:07:34,006 --> 00:07:36,174
has less than
a hundred grams of sodium?
187
00:07:36,209 --> 00:07:38,176
Ah, ah, ah.Keep going.
188
00:07:38,211 --> 00:07:39,511
Not that one.
189
00:07:39,545 --> 00:07:40,645
Ah, ah, ah.
190
00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,047
Not that one either.
191
00:07:42,081 --> 00:07:43,215
Ah, ah, ah.
192
00:07:43,249 --> 00:07:44,482
Nope, not that one.
193
00:07:44,517 --> 00:07:46,151
Look, this isn't even for me.
194
00:07:46,185 --> 00:07:47,719
It's for my homosexual lover.
195
00:07:47,753 --> 00:07:48,987
Ah, ah, ah.
196
00:07:49,021 --> 00:07:50,589
The Bible's pretty clear
about that.
197
00:07:53,659 --> 00:07:55,744
Hi, I'm Lois Griffin.
198
00:07:55,778 --> 00:07:57,729
I have an appointment
to see Randy.
199
00:07:57,780 --> 00:08:00,565
Lois, I'm so glad
you decided to try this.
200
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,434
I can't believe
I'm a celebrity now.
201
00:08:02,468 --> 00:08:03,868
I might hit
someone with my car
202
00:08:03,903 --> 00:08:05,637
on the way home
just for kicks.
203
00:08:05,671 --> 00:08:07,138
Well, I have a feeling
204
00:08:07,173 --> 00:08:09,574
you're gonna be
a big star here.
205
00:08:11,744 --> 00:08:13,178
What am I wearing?
206
00:08:13,212 --> 00:08:15,647
Nothing at all, sweetheart.
207
00:08:15,681 --> 00:08:17,215
Wait a minute.
208
00:08:17,250 --> 00:08:19,351
This is a phone sex operation.
209
00:08:19,385 --> 00:08:20,852
I can't do this.
210
00:08:20,886 --> 00:08:22,621
It pays two grand
a week, sweetie.
211
00:08:22,655 --> 00:08:23,688
Oh, my God.
212
00:08:23,723 --> 00:08:24,990
With that
type of money,
213
00:08:25,024 --> 00:08:27,492
I could buy pots and
pans at Williams-Sonoma.
214
00:08:27,526 --> 00:08:29,594
This is a
very nice set.
215
00:08:29,629 --> 00:08:31,029
You must be a
phone whore.
216
00:08:31,063 --> 00:08:33,098
You bet your
sweet ass I am.
217
00:08:42,585 --> 00:08:44,402
All right, Lois,
you know the drill.
218
00:08:44,437 --> 00:08:45,637
And whatever you do,
219
00:08:45,671 --> 00:08:47,822
do not mention computers
or the Internet.
220
00:08:47,857 --> 00:08:50,125
They cannot
know about it.
221
00:08:51,193 --> 00:08:52,460
Oh, dear.
222
00:08:53,829 --> 00:08:55,330
Hello?
223
00:08:55,364 --> 00:08:57,399
Uh, h-hi there...
224
00:08:58,434 --> 00:08:59,768
...sexy.
225
00:08:59,802 --> 00:09:01,269
I can tell you're
good at this.
226
00:09:01,304 --> 00:09:03,972
Listen, I want to double-team
you on the phone with my son.
227
00:09:04,006 --> 00:09:05,206
Oh.
228
00:09:05,241 --> 00:09:06,975
Yeah, the family's
kind of falling apart.
229
00:09:07,009 --> 00:09:09,294
And I'm just, uh...
230
00:09:09,328 --> 00:09:11,596
just a dad trying to
keep it all together.
231
00:09:11,631 --> 00:09:12,764
I see.
232
00:09:12,798 --> 00:09:14,466
Are you into guys
in wheelchairs?
233
00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:15,533
Not really.
234
00:09:15,568 --> 00:09:16,801
Oh, that's too bad,
235
00:09:16,836 --> 00:09:19,704
'cause, uh, my son's
in a wheelchair.
236
00:09:24,443 --> 00:09:25,510
Hey, Lois.
237
00:09:25,544 --> 00:09:27,045
So, how was your first day
of voice-over?
238
00:09:27,079 --> 00:09:28,446
Eh, it was nothing.
239
00:09:28,481 --> 00:09:29,781
Turns out,
I'm just doing
240
00:09:29,815 --> 00:09:32,217
very obscure
European commercials.
241
00:09:32,251 --> 00:09:33,652
You know,
I have got to get myself
242
00:09:33,686 --> 00:09:35,020
back out there, too.
243
00:09:35,054 --> 00:09:37,439
I haven't performed
since I was in Stewman Group.
244
00:09:42,028 --> 00:09:44,546
I don't get it.
What is this?
245
00:09:44,580 --> 00:09:46,047
We don't know either.
246
00:09:50,386 --> 00:09:52,554
Hi, my name's...
247
00:09:52,588 --> 00:09:53,755
Classy.
248
00:09:53,789 --> 00:09:55,991
What can I do for you,
hot stuff?
249
00:09:56,025 --> 00:09:57,592
Ooh, hi, Classy.
250
00:09:57,626 --> 00:09:59,995
Listen, do you have
a wallet or a purse?
251
00:10:00,029 --> 00:10:01,563
Uh, I have a purse.
252
00:10:01,597 --> 00:10:02,397
Oh.
253
00:10:02,431 --> 00:10:03,431
Oh, baby.
254
00:10:03,466 --> 00:10:05,200
I want you to
take the money out
255
00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:07,435
and count it
really slowly.
256
00:10:07,470 --> 00:10:08,436
Okay.
257
00:10:08,471 --> 00:10:09,437
One.
258
00:10:09,472 --> 00:10:11,139
Ooh, that's nice.
259
00:10:11,173 --> 00:10:12,273
Two.
260
00:10:12,308 --> 00:10:14,275
Oh. Oh, my.
261
00:10:14,310 --> 00:10:16,611
I'm sorry, the next bill
I have in here is a ten.
262
00:10:16,645 --> 00:10:17,612
Oh!
263
00:10:17,646 --> 00:10:18,646
Oh, I love you!
264
00:10:18,681 --> 00:10:20,048
All that and
everything.
265
00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:23,551
Hi, I'm Classy.
266
00:10:23,586 --> 00:10:25,420
All right, let's get
this going, sweet cheeks.
267
00:10:25,454 --> 00:10:26,421
You got a
handkerchief?
268
00:10:26,455 --> 00:10:28,039
Uh, yeah.
269
00:10:28,074 --> 00:10:30,442
Good, ball that up and
stick it in your mouth.
270
00:10:30,476 --> 00:10:31,476
Okay.
271
00:10:31,510 --> 00:10:32,710
Now, what else
you got there?
272
00:10:32,728 --> 00:10:34,029
You got a stapler?
273
00:10:34,063 --> 00:10:35,730
Uh-huh, uh, yeah.
274
00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:36,998
Okay, why don't
you go ahead
275
00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:38,767
and stick that in
your mouth, too.
276
00:10:40,536 --> 00:10:41,803
How about a
mouse pad?
277
00:10:41,837 --> 00:10:42,937
Uh-huh.
278
00:10:42,972 --> 00:10:44,539
Yeah, go ahead
and roll that up
279
00:10:44,573 --> 00:10:46,875
and stuff it
in there.
280
00:10:46,909 --> 00:10:48,359
Did you get a
packet from HR
281
00:10:48,394 --> 00:10:49,828
when you started
working there?
282
00:10:51,197 --> 00:10:52,731
Okay, I'll take
that as a yes.
283
00:10:52,765 --> 00:10:56,067
And I'm pretty certain you know
what I want you to do with it.
284
00:10:57,787 --> 00:11:00,405
Okay, you think you can fit
anything else in your mouth?
285
00:11:00,439 --> 00:11:02,240
Mm-mm.
All right, so now let's start
286
00:11:02,274 --> 00:11:03,908
filling up some
other places.
287
00:11:12,735 --> 00:11:15,336
Peter, I've had
a long day at work,
288
00:11:15,371 --> 00:11:18,339
and right now, sex is the last
thing I want to think about.
289
00:11:18,374 --> 00:11:19,390
What the hell, Lois?
290
00:11:19,425 --> 00:11:21,142
You never want
to do it no more.
291
00:11:21,177 --> 00:11:24,546
What if I told you I'm
holding in a very big dump?
292
00:11:24,580 --> 00:11:27,499
Peter, can't you just
use Sock Lois tonight?
293
00:11:27,533 --> 00:11:31,119
No! Sock Lois doesn't feel
authentic to me anymore.
294
00:11:36,125 --> 00:11:38,560
Hey, Joe, how often
do you have sex with Bonnie?
295
00:11:38,594 --> 00:11:40,662
Well, my HMO only
pays for the equipment
296
00:11:40,696 --> 00:11:42,063
once a year. Why?
297
00:11:42,098 --> 00:11:44,399
Lois barely wants
to do it no more.
298
00:11:44,433 --> 00:11:45,767
I'm going crazy here.
299
00:11:45,801 --> 00:11:47,068
Ugh. I hear you.
300
00:11:47,103 --> 00:11:48,870
Hey, Quagmire, do
yourself a favor:
301
00:11:48,904 --> 00:11:50,338
don't get married.
302
00:11:50,372 --> 00:11:51,473
I wasn't gonna.
303
00:11:51,507 --> 00:11:52,907
Good. Don't.
304
00:11:52,942 --> 00:11:53,942
I wasn't.
305
00:11:53,976 --> 00:11:55,310
Perfect. Don't.
306
00:11:55,344 --> 00:11:58,079
Joe, you telling me not to
has no effect on me whatsoever.
307
00:11:58,114 --> 00:11:59,380
I'm not gonna get married.
308
00:11:59,415 --> 00:12:01,249
Great. Don't.
309
00:12:01,283 --> 00:12:03,468
I mean it, you guys,
this no-sex thing doesn't work.
310
00:12:03,502 --> 00:12:04,803
I need some kind
of outlet.
311
00:12:04,837 --> 00:12:07,172
You know, Peter,
I got just the thing for you.
312
00:12:07,206 --> 00:12:09,040
There's this new phone sex
chick I been calling,
313
00:12:09,074 --> 00:12:10,492
and she is amazing.
314
00:12:10,526 --> 00:12:13,161
Gee, I don't know.
Isn't that cheating on Lois?
315
00:12:13,195 --> 00:12:14,762
No, look, it's
over the phone.
316
00:12:14,797 --> 00:12:16,865
It's like they say:
"Phonin' ain't bonin'."
317
00:12:16,899 --> 00:12:18,933
Yeah. Well, I guess
I could try it.
318
00:12:18,968 --> 00:12:20,068
Trust me, Peter.
319
00:12:20,102 --> 00:12:21,836
Hey, I was right
about telling you
320
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,638
to go see the gynecologist,
wasn't I?
321
00:12:25,257 --> 00:12:27,425
I'd like to see some
vaginas, please.
322
00:12:27,459 --> 00:12:29,861
That's what we're here for.
Come on in.
323
00:12:42,741 --> 00:12:44,642
Hello there, handsome.
324
00:12:44,677 --> 00:12:46,144
I'm Classy.
325
00:12:46,178 --> 00:12:49,781
Um, hi, Classy,
I'm, uh, Peter.
326
00:12:49,815 --> 00:12:50,782
Peter...
327
00:12:50,816 --> 00:12:51,983
Night Shyamalan.
328
00:12:52,017 --> 00:12:54,152
They call me that
'cause I got a big twist
329
00:12:54,186 --> 00:12:55,553
at the end
of my thing.
330
00:12:55,588 --> 00:12:57,005
Oh, my God.
331
00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,542
Um... well,
hello, Peter.
332
00:13:00,576 --> 00:13:02,477
What can I do for you?
333
00:13:02,511 --> 00:13:05,013
Um, you want to see some
pictures that I drew?
334
00:13:05,047 --> 00:13:06,898
Um, sure.
335
00:13:06,932 --> 00:13:08,433
This is me
on a elephant.
336
00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:10,301
Wow.
That's beautiful.
337
00:13:10,336 --> 00:13:12,687
Did you draw that
all by yourself?
338
00:13:12,721 --> 00:13:13,688
Uh-huh.
339
00:13:13,722 --> 00:13:15,290
And this is me
on the moon.
340
00:13:15,324 --> 00:13:16,724
I didn't really
go there.
341
00:13:16,759 --> 00:13:18,226
It was just in
my imagination,
342
00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:19,327
so I drawed it.
343
00:13:19,361 --> 00:13:21,663
Wow, you're
really talented.
344
00:13:21,697 --> 00:13:24,332
You know, there's something
about you, Classy.
345
00:13:24,366 --> 00:13:25,767
Something special.
346
00:13:25,801 --> 00:13:27,835
Aw, that's very sweet.
347
00:13:27,870 --> 00:13:29,103
I like your voice.
348
00:13:29,138 --> 00:13:31,272
It makes me want to
hear more of your voice.
349
00:13:31,307 --> 00:13:32,840
Hey, you want to
see a funny comic?
350
00:13:32,875 --> 00:13:34,342
Sure.
351
00:13:45,454 --> 00:13:49,257
He's scared 'cause his friends
got killed in the pie.
352
00:13:54,463 --> 00:13:57,365
So, Peter,
how was your day?
353
00:13:57,399 --> 00:13:58,700
Eh, it was okay.
354
00:13:58,734 --> 00:14:00,335
Except for that
Yokohama beef bowl
355
00:14:00,369 --> 00:14:01,469
I tried for lunch.
356
00:14:01,503 --> 00:14:02,604
Not sitting so well.
357
00:14:02,638 --> 00:14:04,239
Just "okay"?
358
00:14:04,273 --> 00:14:06,975
Didn't try
anything new today?
359
00:14:07,009 --> 00:14:08,676
Talk to anyone
interesting?
360
00:14:08,711 --> 00:14:09,811
No, not really.
361
00:14:09,845 --> 00:14:11,679
Oh, that beef bowl
is wrecking me.
362
00:14:11,714 --> 00:14:13,314
My stomach feels
like that time
363
00:14:13,349 --> 00:14:15,016
I had explosive
diarrhea.
364
00:14:18,721 --> 00:14:20,388
Brown house.
365
00:14:24,610 --> 00:14:25,576
Hello?
366
00:14:25,611 --> 00:14:27,078
Um, hi, Classy.
367
00:14:27,112 --> 00:14:28,279
It's Peter.
368
00:14:28,314 --> 00:14:29,764
Oh, hi there.
369
00:14:29,798 --> 00:14:31,432
I love
when you talk.
370
00:14:31,467 --> 00:14:34,018
Listen, um, I've had
such a good time
371
00:14:34,053 --> 00:14:35,720
talking to you
these past few times
372
00:14:35,738 --> 00:14:38,206
that I was thinking
maybe we could meet.
373
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,440
But you're married!
374
00:14:39,475 --> 00:14:41,025
You've got a wife!
375
00:14:41,060 --> 00:14:43,111
Yeah, but she's been giving
me the cold shoulder lately.
376
00:14:43,162 --> 00:14:44,442
Besides, anything
that comes out,
377
00:14:44,463 --> 00:14:45,847
I can always
take home to her.
378
00:14:45,881 --> 00:14:47,932
I don't think
this is a good idea.
379
00:14:47,967 --> 00:14:51,336
I mean, cheating on your wife
is a very serious thing.
380
00:14:51,370 --> 00:14:53,604
You don't understand,
I have to meet you.
381
00:14:53,639 --> 00:14:55,306
I-I know it
seems sudden,
382
00:14:55,341 --> 00:14:57,742
but I feel a special
connection with you.
383
00:14:57,776 --> 00:14:59,510
Look, you name the
place and the time,
384
00:14:59,545 --> 00:15:00,495
and I'll be there.
385
00:15:00,529 --> 00:15:02,563
You son of a bitch!
386
00:15:03,699 --> 00:15:04,699
Okay.
387
00:15:04,733 --> 00:15:06,284
I'll meet you.
388
00:15:06,318 --> 00:15:07,352
Yay, I did it!
389
00:15:07,386 --> 00:15:08,970
Thanks, Fairy God Peter!
390
00:15:09,004 --> 00:15:12,190
Peter, the power was
within you all along.
391
00:15:12,224 --> 00:15:14,942
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm
meeting Fairy God Quagmire
392
00:15:14,977 --> 00:15:17,362
and Fairy God Joe down
at the Fairy God Clam.
393
00:15:17,396 --> 00:15:19,647
That sounds like a gay bar.
It is a gay bar.
394
00:15:26,435 --> 00:15:28,169
That's right, fellas,
I'm gonna meet her.
395
00:15:28,204 --> 00:15:29,170
Meet who?
396
00:15:29,205 --> 00:15:30,555
Yeah, what are you
talking about?
397
00:15:30,589 --> 00:15:33,258
Oh, I-I thought we were starting
in the middle to save time.
398
00:15:33,292 --> 00:15:34,576
The-the phone sex lady,
399
00:15:34,610 --> 00:15:36,377
I'm gonna meet the phone sex
lady in person.
400
00:15:36,412 --> 00:15:37,645
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute, Peter.
401
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:38,813
I wouldn't do that.
402
00:15:38,831 --> 00:15:41,049
Hang on, Quagmire,
that's a bad idea.
403
00:15:41,083 --> 00:15:42,550
You never want to meet
404
00:15:42,585 --> 00:15:43,952
those phone sex
women in person.
405
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:45,470
Yeah, I know,
that's what I said.
406
00:15:45,504 --> 00:15:46,471
I wouldn't do it.
407
00:15:46,505 --> 00:15:47,805
Good. Don't.
408
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,560
Joe, Joe, you realize
what you're telling me
409
00:15:49,592 --> 00:15:51,726
not to do,
I'm already not doing!
410
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:53,394
Okay, I know
you should never meet
411
00:15:53,429 --> 00:15:54,495
a phone sex operator.
412
00:15:54,530 --> 00:15:55,897
All right?
I'm not an idiot.
413
00:15:55,931 --> 00:15:57,599
I would never meet one
of those people, ever.
414
00:15:57,633 --> 00:15:59,250
Good. Don't.
415
00:15:59,285 --> 00:16:01,786
Guys, I have to see
if she's as special in person
416
00:16:01,820 --> 00:16:03,087
as she is on the phone.
417
00:16:03,122 --> 00:16:04,622
Besides, if I listened
to you guys,
418
00:16:04,657 --> 00:16:07,258
I never would've got that job
as a seat filler for fetuses.
419
00:16:07,293 --> 00:16:09,661
Okay, let's take a look
at your baby, shall we?
420
00:16:11,914 --> 00:16:13,214
Hi.
421
00:16:13,249 --> 00:16:15,183
He'll be right back;
he's in the bathroom.
422
00:16:18,254 --> 00:16:20,088
Thanks for
having me, Bonnie.
423
00:16:20,122 --> 00:16:21,723
I just needed
someone to talk to.
424
00:16:21,757 --> 00:16:22,724
Sure, Lois.
425
00:16:22,758 --> 00:16:23,725
What's on your mind?
426
00:16:23,759 --> 00:16:25,393
Well, it's kind
of a long story.
427
00:16:25,427 --> 00:16:26,394
You see...
428
00:16:26,428 --> 00:16:29,130
Eight hours later...
429
00:16:29,164 --> 00:16:30,531
Oh, my God!
430
00:16:30,566 --> 00:16:32,267
So, as far as
Peter knows,
431
00:16:32,301 --> 00:16:33,868
he's about to
cheat on you?
432
00:16:33,902 --> 00:16:35,937
Lois, you got to
draw the line here.
433
00:16:35,971 --> 00:16:37,405
I know.
434
00:16:37,439 --> 00:16:39,807
There's a lot of crazy things
I'll let Peter get away with.
435
00:16:39,842 --> 00:16:40,942
I even held my tongue
436
00:16:40,976 --> 00:16:43,044
when he went through
that anime phase.
437
00:16:43,062 --> 00:16:45,663
Hey, Lois, me make drive
time to super fun Clam
438
00:16:45,698 --> 00:16:47,865
with noble Quagmire
and wheel-monster Joe.
439
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:50,101
Go, force!
440
00:17:03,766 --> 00:17:04,732
Peter, what...
441
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:06,017
Why are you
dressed like that?
442
00:17:06,051 --> 00:17:07,518
What did you do
to your hair?
443
00:17:07,553 --> 00:17:09,621
Business trip, Lois.
Going to Chicago City.
444
00:17:09,655 --> 00:17:11,255
Oh... okay.
445
00:17:11,290 --> 00:17:12,523
I see.
446
00:17:12,558 --> 00:17:13,758
And in case you're
wondering why
447
00:17:13,792 --> 00:17:15,627
I don't have business
charts, yes, I do.
448
00:17:17,663 --> 00:17:19,681
All right, I got to say
good-bye to the kids.
449
00:17:20,849 --> 00:17:21,899
Hey, champ.
450
00:17:21,934 --> 00:17:23,374
I want you to have
this pocket watch.
451
00:17:23,385 --> 00:17:24,802
It still works,
even though it's got
452
00:17:24,837 --> 00:17:26,571
a lot of Civil War
brains all over it.
453
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,942
Meg, I want you to have
this sad-sounding fart.
454
00:17:34,647 --> 00:17:36,214
Chris, people are
gonna tell you
455
00:17:36,248 --> 00:17:38,616
that you're stupid and
that you're no good.
456
00:17:39,618 --> 00:17:40,618
Bye, Otis!
457
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,797
That son of a bitch.
458
00:18:00,339 --> 00:18:01,305
Hello.
459
00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:02,924
You're...
460
00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:04,325
you're beautiful.
461
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,160
So you got to meet me.
462
00:18:06,195 --> 00:18:07,895
Are we gonna do
this or what?
463
00:18:07,930 --> 00:18:10,498
Listen, I... I got to
be honest with you.
464
00:18:10,532 --> 00:18:12,100
I am not, in fact,
465
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,735
the President
of Hot Wheels.
466
00:18:13,769 --> 00:18:15,803
And I also lied about
the giant chef's hat.
467
00:18:15,838 --> 00:18:17,305
I do not have one.
468
00:18:17,339 --> 00:18:18,439
Mm-hmm.
469
00:18:18,474 --> 00:18:20,074
Well, the small
lies don't matter.
470
00:18:20,109 --> 00:18:21,109
Let's go.
471
00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:25,213
Why am I doing this?
472
00:18:25,247 --> 00:18:27,432
You know, I got the greatest
wife in the world.
473
00:18:27,466 --> 00:18:29,350
And we have
one beautiful child.
474
00:18:29,385 --> 00:18:31,853
But did you ever feel like
something was missing?
475
00:18:31,887 --> 00:18:33,688
You know,
something you had once,
476
00:18:33,722 --> 00:18:35,139
but now it's gone?
477
00:18:35,174 --> 00:18:37,792
You mean like the loyalty
of someone you trusted?
478
00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:40,762
Yes, I know exactly
what that feels like.
479
00:18:40,796 --> 00:18:42,663
Yeah, I mean, I was
just goofing around
480
00:18:42,681 --> 00:18:45,166
when I first called you,
but when I heard your voice,
481
00:18:45,184 --> 00:18:48,335
I-I felt like I found
some part of me that was lost.
482
00:18:48,353 --> 00:18:50,638
Doesn't make any sense,
but it...
483
00:18:50,672 --> 00:18:53,591
it felt like some force in
the universe wanted us together.
484
00:18:53,625 --> 00:18:56,594
That's... kind of nice.
485
00:18:56,628 --> 00:18:58,696
I guess I could understand that.
486
00:18:58,731 --> 00:19:00,631
Now that you're here
in front of me,
487
00:19:00,666 --> 00:19:03,434
I think you're the most
beautiful woman I've ever seen.
488
00:19:03,469 --> 00:19:05,787
♪
489
00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,948
Eight hours later...
490
00:19:19,768 --> 00:19:24,005
Ah, I got to say,
I was fantastic.
491
00:19:24,039 --> 00:19:27,275
You think so, you
dirty, rotten cheater?!
492
00:19:27,309 --> 00:19:28,709
Lois!
493
00:19:28,744 --> 00:19:30,611
You-you-you-you
is the phone lady,
494
00:19:30,646 --> 00:19:32,046
you the phone,
you the phone,
495
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,514
you is the phone lady,
you is the phone lady,
496
00:19:33,549 --> 00:19:34,649
you is the phone lady...
497
00:19:34,683 --> 00:19:36,701
You cheated on me!
Lois!
498
00:19:36,735 --> 00:19:38,486
Why the hell were
you doing phone sex?!
499
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,121
I was providing
for our family.
500
00:19:40,155 --> 00:19:41,339
You were lying.
501
00:19:41,373 --> 00:19:43,508
I'm starting to think
that whole Chicago City
502
00:19:43,542 --> 00:19:45,326
business trip was just
a bunch of baloney!
503
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,594
That's not the point!
504
00:19:46,628 --> 00:19:48,095
Well, if you think
about it,
505
00:19:48,130 --> 00:19:50,615
I-I wasn't really cheating
'cause it was with you.
506
00:19:50,666 --> 00:19:52,266
Well, you didn't
know that!
507
00:19:52,301 --> 00:19:53,868
Yeah, but you know what?
508
00:19:53,902 --> 00:19:56,437
In some way, I think I did.
509
00:19:56,472 --> 00:19:58,306
You know, when I heard
your voice on that phone,
510
00:19:58,340 --> 00:19:59,574
I-I felt something.
511
00:19:59,608 --> 00:20:01,242
It was like an instinct,
you know?
512
00:20:01,276 --> 00:20:02,977
Both my heart and my wiener
513
00:20:03,011 --> 00:20:05,279
somehow knew
you were my soul mate.
514
00:20:05,314 --> 00:20:07,548
Well...
515
00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:10,251
I suppose you did
fall for me pretty hard.
516
00:20:10,285 --> 00:20:11,319
Don't you see, Lois?
517
00:20:11,353 --> 00:20:13,654
I fell in love with you
all over again.
518
00:20:13,689 --> 00:20:17,024
And, look, now we just had the
best sex in years because of it.
519
00:20:17,059 --> 00:20:20,194
I know. It's like our privates
were shaking hands
520
00:20:20,229 --> 00:20:22,830
after a successful business
meeting in a swamp.
521
00:20:22,865 --> 00:20:24,832
To me it... it just proves
522
00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:27,168
that we're truly meant
to be together.
523
00:20:27,202 --> 00:20:29,837
Oh, I love you, Peter.
524
00:20:29,872 --> 00:20:31,706
I love you, too, Lois.
525
00:20:35,244 --> 00:20:38,212
By the way, you may have to
become a full-on prostitute,
526
00:20:38,247 --> 00:20:40,715
'cause our phone bill
was $7,000.
527
00:20:44,486 --> 00:20:46,254
Oh, Peter.
528
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:49,690
I want you to do me so hard
that we have to change churches.
529
00:20:49,725 --> 00:20:50,842
Gross!
530
00:20:51,761 --> 00:20:53,378
I want to wreck you so bad,
531
00:20:53,412 --> 00:20:55,029
you'll look like
an exploded Hot Pocket.
532
00:20:55,064 --> 00:20:56,498
Oh, my God!
533
00:20:59,353 --> 00:21:01,471
Can I interest you guys
in a two-and-a-quarter way?
534
00:21:01,505 --> 00:21:06,505
== sync, corrected by elderman ==