1 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,745 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:08,845 --> 00:00:12,114 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:12,273 --> 00:00:15,826 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:15,860 --> 00:00:18,829 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:18,863 --> 00:00:22,332 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:22,366 --> 00:00:25,619 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:25,653 --> 00:00:27,187 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:27,221 --> 00:00:28,572 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:28,606 --> 00:00:30,801 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:30,802 --> 00:00:34,802 ♪ Family Guy 11x13 ♪ Chris Cross Original Air Date on February 17, 2013 11 00:00:34,803 --> 00:00:39,303 == sync, corrected by elderman == 12 00:00:39,901 --> 00:00:41,568 All right, class, today we're going 13 00:00:41,602 --> 00:00:43,920 to be talking about variables. 14 00:00:45,623 --> 00:00:47,657 Okay, it's just a rear end. 15 00:00:47,675 --> 00:00:49,042 We all have one. 16 00:00:49,093 --> 00:00:51,695 Mine just happens to be a hot Brazilian woman's. 17 00:00:51,729 --> 00:00:53,180 No, we're not laughing at you. 18 00:00:53,214 --> 00:00:55,732 We're laughing at Griffin's shoes. 19 00:00:55,766 --> 00:00:57,400 Why, what's wrong with them? 20 00:00:57,435 --> 00:00:58,585 I don't even know what those are. 21 00:00:58,619 --> 00:00:59,819 What's "Teslik"? 22 00:00:59,854 --> 00:01:02,222 Um, I'm not sure, but my mom says they're 23 00:01:02,256 --> 00:01:04,424 very popular with Latvian athletes. 24 00:01:05,726 --> 00:01:09,095 Running, throwing, lifting big things. 25 00:01:10,531 --> 00:01:11,765 Teslik. 26 00:01:11,799 --> 00:01:14,167 That's all right with me, man. 27 00:01:14,202 --> 00:01:16,203 Each shoe sold separate. 28 00:01:16,237 --> 00:01:17,871 Are they really that bad? 29 00:01:17,905 --> 00:01:20,040 Are you kidding? They're terrible. 30 00:01:20,074 --> 00:01:22,008 Man, high school is rough. 31 00:01:22,043 --> 00:01:23,293 This year it's sneakers. 32 00:01:23,311 --> 00:01:25,278 Last year it was all about being overweight 33 00:01:25,313 --> 00:01:26,730 and wearing a baseball cap. 34 00:01:28,232 --> 00:01:29,816 Hey, guys, sure hope we win 35 00:01:29,850 --> 00:01:31,535 the big game on Saturday. 36 00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:32,569 Get lost. Dork. 37 00:01:32,603 --> 00:01:34,421 Yeah, gain some weight, will ya? 38 00:01:35,940 --> 00:01:39,226 Oh, of all the years to be trim and well-hatted. 39 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,981 That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie? 40 00:01:45,016 --> 00:01:47,500 That kid was Indian and 11 years old. 41 00:01:47,535 --> 00:01:49,035 Where are you finding my friends? 42 00:01:49,070 --> 00:01:51,204 Oh, someone's a little cranky. 43 00:01:51,239 --> 00:01:52,939 Here, let me put on the radio. 44 00:01:52,974 --> 00:01:54,241 ♪ Talkin' 'bout the club 45 00:01:54,275 --> 00:01:55,775 ♪ Lookin' round the club ♪ 46 00:01:55,810 --> 00:01:57,160 ♪ Pimpin' at the club 47 00:01:57,194 --> 00:01:58,828 ♪ Emphasizing "club." 48 00:01:58,863 --> 00:02:00,280 Yuck, this is awful. 49 00:02:00,314 --> 00:02:05,051 ♪ Or am I really lying here with you? ♪ 50 00:02:05,102 --> 00:02:08,004 My God, who is this enchantress? 51 00:02:08,022 --> 00:02:10,373 ♪ Baby 52 00:02:10,408 --> 00:02:12,125 ♪ You take me in your arms Oh, isn't that cute? 53 00:02:12,159 --> 00:02:14,344 My little Stewie likes Anne Murray. 54 00:02:14,362 --> 00:02:16,196 She sounds like an angel. 55 00:02:16,230 --> 00:02:20,233 It's like her voice is putting my entire body in her mouth. 56 00:02:20,284 --> 00:02:21,868 ♪ 57 00:02:21,902 --> 00:02:25,138 ♪ And, oh, I 58 00:02:25,172 --> 00:02:28,975 ♪ Just fall in love again 59 00:02:29,010 --> 00:02:35,382 ♪ Just one touch and then it happens every time ♪ 60 00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:39,535 ♪ And there I go, I 61 00:02:39,553 --> 00:02:42,439 ♪ Just fall in love again 62 00:02:42,473 --> 00:02:45,342 ♪ And when I do 63 00:02:46,377 --> 00:02:49,062 ♪ I can't help myself 64 00:02:49,096 --> 00:02:52,065 ♪ I fall in love with you. 65 00:02:54,101 --> 00:02:55,702 You like that, Stewie? 66 00:02:55,736 --> 00:02:57,220 You like Anne Murray's music? 67 00:02:57,238 --> 00:02:58,488 Do I? 68 00:02:58,522 --> 00:02:59,673 I've never known such happiness. 69 00:02:59,707 --> 00:03:01,358 This must be what it's like for you 70 00:03:01,392 --> 00:03:03,827 when you're buying potatoes or scraping your heels 71 00:03:03,861 --> 00:03:06,696 or smushing on makeup for a sad night out. 72 00:03:10,968 --> 00:03:13,048 This portion of the Channel 5 News at 6:00 73 00:03:13,070 --> 00:03:15,271 is brought to you buy condoms. 74 00:03:15,306 --> 00:03:16,673 Put us on backwards a little bit, 75 00:03:16,707 --> 00:03:18,708 then put us on the right way. 76 00:03:18,743 --> 00:03:21,561 Mom, Dad, I need to get new sneakers. 77 00:03:21,595 --> 00:03:23,830 What? I just bought you new sneakers. 78 00:03:23,864 --> 00:03:25,732 I know, but I need cooler ones. 79 00:03:25,766 --> 00:03:27,117 Shut up, and stop complaining. 80 00:03:27,151 --> 00:03:28,735 When I was your age, I didn't even have sneakers. 81 00:03:28,769 --> 00:03:30,537 We wore stale hamburger buns. 82 00:03:30,571 --> 00:03:31,721 No, you didn't, Peter. 83 00:03:31,756 --> 00:03:32,889 Shh, he doesn't know that. 84 00:03:32,923 --> 00:03:34,057 He's just a dumb, fat loser. 85 00:03:34,091 --> 00:03:35,392 Did you see his shoes? 86 00:03:35,426 --> 00:03:37,961 Look, Chris, I'm sorry, but money's tight right now. 87 00:03:37,995 --> 00:03:39,713 Yeah, I even had to take a second job 88 00:03:39,747 --> 00:03:41,681 as a door-to-door vacuum salesman. 89 00:03:41,716 --> 00:03:42,682 This thing can pick up anything. 90 00:03:42,717 --> 00:03:43,950 Here's a little demonstration. 91 00:03:43,984 --> 00:03:45,985 I'll pour some wine, rub in some feces, 92 00:03:46,020 --> 00:03:48,538 and, to top it off, some mustard mixed with feces. 93 00:03:48,572 --> 00:03:49,856 Tough stain, right? 94 00:03:49,890 --> 00:03:51,591 Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum. 95 00:03:56,297 --> 00:03:59,883 All right, Rupert, you ready to get lost in some Anne? 96 00:03:59,917 --> 00:04:03,720 ♪ Gentle breezes where the peaceful waters flow ♪ 97 00:04:03,754 --> 00:04:07,941 ♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away ♪ 98 00:04:07,975 --> 00:04:09,792 ♪ And take the snow back with you ♪ 99 00:04:09,810 --> 00:04:14,280 ♪ Where it came from on that day ♪ 100 00:04:14,315 --> 00:04:18,634 ♪ The one I love forever is untrue ♪ 101 00:04:18,652 --> 00:04:23,990 ♪ And if I could, you know that I would fly away with you ♪ 102 00:04:24,024 --> 00:04:29,279 ♪ Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly-i-i-i-i ♪ 103 00:04:29,313 --> 00:04:34,084 ♪ Away with you. 104 00:04:37,822 --> 00:04:39,422 What a woman. 105 00:04:39,457 --> 00:04:41,057 To think Canada's got her, 106 00:04:41,092 --> 00:04:44,327 and we have Kelly Clarkson going to town at a Waffle House. 107 00:04:54,138 --> 00:04:56,239 That's it, I'm getting those sneakers. 108 00:04:56,273 --> 00:04:58,675 After all, shoes make the man. 109 00:04:58,709 --> 00:05:00,210 Gentlemen, take your marks. 110 00:05:03,147 --> 00:05:05,865 I'm a different kind of winner. 111 00:05:08,619 --> 00:05:11,254 Oh, come on, Dad, there's no cash in here. 112 00:05:11,288 --> 00:05:14,624 Just a bunch of cards that say, "I farted on your car," 113 00:05:14,658 --> 00:05:16,593 with his insurance info. 114 00:05:23,517 --> 00:05:24,884 Busted. 115 00:05:24,919 --> 00:05:26,486 Geez, it's so weird that Mom and Dad 116 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,022 would leave the house without their purse and wallet. 117 00:05:29,056 --> 00:05:30,657 I wonder where they are? 118 00:05:30,691 --> 00:05:32,058 Can I get you anything else? 119 00:05:32,092 --> 00:05:34,327 Uh, two more Cokes, please. 120 00:05:34,361 --> 00:05:36,679 Could you excuse me? 121 00:05:41,235 --> 00:05:43,369 Hello. 122 00:05:43,404 --> 00:05:44,721 Damone, it's Peter. 123 00:05:44,755 --> 00:05:46,523 I'm at my date and I left my wallet at home. 124 00:05:46,557 --> 00:05:48,124 Will you please borrow your mom's car, 125 00:05:48,159 --> 00:05:49,439 drive to my house, get my wallet, 126 00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:50,660 and bring it back here? 127 00:05:52,746 --> 00:05:55,265 Damone, are you there? Damone? 128 00:05:57,868 --> 00:06:00,420 Yeesh, I'm really kind of busy. 129 00:06:00,454 --> 00:06:02,238 Come on, just do me this one favor. 130 00:06:02,256 --> 00:06:04,674 All right, but you owe me for this one. 131 00:06:04,708 --> 00:06:06,326 Oh, thanks, Damone. 132 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,862 And that was the last we ever saw of him. 133 00:06:14,725 --> 00:06:15,892 Well, well, well. 134 00:06:15,926 --> 00:06:17,960 Who do we have here? 135 00:06:17,995 --> 00:06:20,029 It's me, Chris, you know me. 136 00:06:20,064 --> 00:06:21,764 Why are you talking like a bad guy? 137 00:06:21,799 --> 00:06:24,901 Listen, I saw you steal money from Mom's purse. 138 00:06:24,935 --> 00:06:26,636 Oh... 139 00:06:26,670 --> 00:06:28,137 Well, I was just trying to get new sneakers. 140 00:06:28,172 --> 00:06:30,606 You're not going to tell on me, are you? 141 00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:33,810 Well, that depends. On what? 142 00:06:33,844 --> 00:06:36,112 How about, I won't tell Mom and Dad about the money 143 00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:39,182 if you promise to do whatever I say. 144 00:06:39,216 --> 00:06:40,983 Meg, this is how a lot of porn starts. 145 00:06:41,018 --> 00:06:42,018 I mean it, Chris. 146 00:06:42,052 --> 00:06:43,086 I'll tell them. 147 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:44,737 Mom, Chris took money out of the... 148 00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:45,888 Okay, okay, okay. 149 00:06:45,923 --> 00:06:48,991 I'll do whatever you want. 150 00:06:49,026 --> 00:06:50,460 I thought you'd see it that way. 151 00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,729 Here's a list of stuff I need you to do for me. 152 00:06:52,763 --> 00:06:55,548 Shouldn't have taken that money, Chris. 153 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,450 Eh, she's right. I'm a horrible person. 154 00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:59,168 I'm only one step above those people 155 00:06:59,203 --> 00:07:02,872 who really like dive bars and really need you to know it. 156 00:07:02,906 --> 00:07:04,407 I love this place. I love dive bars. 157 00:07:04,441 --> 00:07:05,641 Dive bars are my favorite. 158 00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:07,310 They're so much better than regular bars 159 00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:08,378 because worse is better. 160 00:07:08,412 --> 00:07:09,412 I know, right? 161 00:07:09,446 --> 00:07:10,463 They're my favorite, too. 162 00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:11,497 I'm quirky like that. 163 00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:12,515 I've got quirky taste. 164 00:07:12,549 --> 00:07:13,766 I'm a quirky girl. 165 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,852 It seems like we would be perfect for each other. 166 00:07:15,886 --> 00:07:18,688 But really we're terrible for everyone. 167 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,679 ♪ And though I... 168 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,514 What the hell? 169 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,133 Are you listening to Anne Murray? 170 00:07:30,167 --> 00:07:32,935 Uh, I am experiencing Anne Murray. 171 00:07:32,970 --> 00:07:34,837 Why? That music is complete crap. 172 00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:37,206 Um, excuse me? 173 00:07:37,241 --> 00:07:39,125 It's all just vapid, overproduced tripe. 174 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:40,460 It has no edge whatsoever. 175 00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,495 Yeah, neither does a soft summer breeze, 176 00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:43,930 or a letter from an old friend. 177 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,565 I'm pretty sure envelopes have edges. 178 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,600 Fine, an e-mail. Dick. 179 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,202 Whatever. You know what? I don't care. 180 00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:51,421 I think Anne Murray sucks, and that's my opinion. 181 00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:52,755 Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to make 182 00:07:52,790 --> 00:07:54,123 a believer out of you, Brian. 183 00:07:54,158 --> 00:07:56,359 I am going to show you the true meaning of Anne Murray. 184 00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,554 Don't waste your time, I'm not going to change my mind. 185 00:07:58,562 --> 00:07:59,996 I don't know, Bri, I can make things happen 186 00:08:00,030 --> 00:08:01,264 when I want to. 187 00:08:01,298 --> 00:08:02,932 Just ask my twin brother. 188 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,451 And here's baby boy number one. 189 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:09,054 I understand you've decided to name him Stewie. 190 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:10,540 One more to go. 191 00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,475 And here he... oh. 192 00:08:12,509 --> 00:08:13,676 Oh, dear. 193 00:08:13,710 --> 00:08:16,078 Oh, no, did Dave not make it? 194 00:08:19,683 --> 00:08:21,217 Okay, Meg, I've cleaned your room 195 00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:22,468 and I did your homework. 196 00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:23,669 Can I be done now? 197 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:25,955 Oh, no, there's a lot more things 198 00:08:25,989 --> 00:08:27,490 I need you to do for me. 199 00:08:27,524 --> 00:08:28,658 There are? Like what? 200 00:08:28,692 --> 00:08:30,026 Well, now you have to watch 201 00:08:30,060 --> 00:08:31,561 An Officer and a Gentlemen with me. 202 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:32,695 And that's it? 203 00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:34,363 No. 204 00:08:34,398 --> 00:08:35,865 At the end, when Richard Gere 205 00:08:35,899 --> 00:08:37,700 carries Debra Winger out of the paper mill, 206 00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:41,604 you have to read what's on this index card. 207 00:08:41,638 --> 00:08:45,408 ♪ Love lift us up where we belong... ♪ 208 00:08:46,844 --> 00:08:48,644 That's going to be you some day, Meg. 209 00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:49,846 I know it will. 210 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:53,115 I just know it will. 211 00:08:55,419 --> 00:08:57,119 Okay, Chris, I want to wear contacts, 212 00:08:57,154 --> 00:08:58,488 but I'm too squeamish to put them in myself, 213 00:08:58,522 --> 00:09:00,656 so you need to help me. 214 00:09:00,691 --> 00:09:02,091 Really? Is it that hard? 215 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,493 My eyes are too sensitive. 216 00:09:03,527 --> 00:09:04,694 It's like they overreact or something. 217 00:09:04,728 --> 00:09:06,278 Okay. 218 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:10,566 Ah, what happened to your eye?! 219 00:09:10,601 --> 00:09:12,502 Don't worry about it. Just put the lens in. 220 00:09:12,536 --> 00:09:14,003 But where do I put it? 221 00:09:14,037 --> 00:09:15,071 The pupil's gone. 222 00:09:15,105 --> 00:09:16,706 Your eye just looks like a ping-pong ball. 223 00:09:16,740 --> 00:09:18,390 I think it rolled up into my head. 224 00:09:18,408 --> 00:09:20,309 Look, just... just do the other one. 225 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,731 You look like one of those blind jazz guys. 226 00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:27,800 Where are you? I can't see anything. 227 00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:31,487 I don't like this. 228 00:09:31,522 --> 00:09:32,855 Just wear your stupid glasses. 229 00:09:32,890 --> 00:09:33,906 Chris, I'm blind. 230 00:09:33,924 --> 00:09:35,741 I'm sorry, Meg. 231 00:09:44,101 --> 00:09:45,952 What the hell is all this? 232 00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:47,386 This is history, Brian. 233 00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:48,855 A key moment in the history of happiness. 234 00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,089 Have a seat. 235 00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:59,682 ♪ I cried a tear 236 00:09:59,716 --> 00:10:03,486 ♪ You wiped it dry 237 00:10:03,537 --> 00:10:07,039 ♪ I was confused 238 00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:11,744 ♪ You cleared my mind 239 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:15,314 ♪ I sold my soul 240 00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:18,467 ♪ You bought it back for me 241 00:10:18,502 --> 00:10:21,671 ♪ And held me up 242 00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:26,425 ♪ And gave me dignity 243 00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:29,061 ♪ Somehow you needed me 244 00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:33,015 ♪ You gave me strength 245 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:36,736 ♪ To stand alone again 246 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:40,606 ♪ To face the world 247 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:44,160 ♪ Out on my own again 248 00:10:44,194 --> 00:10:47,830 ♪ You put me high 249 00:10:47,864 --> 00:10:53,485 ♪ Upon a pedestal 250 00:10:53,503 --> 00:11:00,109 ♪ So high that I could almost see eternity ♪ 251 00:11:00,143 --> 00:11:03,996 ♪ You needed me 252 00:11:04,014 --> 00:11:10,686 ♪ You needed me... 253 00:11:17,027 --> 00:11:18,878 Some hardcore , right? 254 00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:20,746 Wow, thank you for turning me on 255 00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:22,348 to something so amazing. 256 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,050 Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. 257 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:25,351 And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear 258 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:28,321 would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up. 259 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,857 Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment... 260 00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:34,126 and beyond? 261 00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,699 Okay, Meg, I stood outside 262 00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:41,701 Planned Parenthood for 36 hours 263 00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:42,768 and here are the pictures 264 00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,553 of every girl in your class who went in. 265 00:11:44,588 --> 00:11:45,671 All right, good. 266 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:46,939 Now I want you to call them 267 00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:49,141 as if you're their dead baby. 268 00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:51,594 No way, that was the last thing on your list. 269 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,379 I-I can't do this anymore. 270 00:11:53,397 --> 00:11:54,530 Well, you should've thought of that 271 00:11:54,564 --> 00:11:56,399 before you stole money out of Mom's purse. 272 00:11:56,433 --> 00:11:57,984 I own you. 273 00:11:58,018 --> 00:11:59,752 Now, here's my post office key. 274 00:11:59,786 --> 00:12:01,120 I need you to go downtown 275 00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:02,321 and get the stuff from my P.O. box. 276 00:12:02,356 --> 00:12:04,023 You-you don't get your mail here? 277 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,058 No, I get a lot of private correspondence 278 00:12:06,076 --> 00:12:07,259 from the Netherlands. 279 00:12:07,294 --> 00:12:08,294 Like what? 280 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:09,628 Like, I'm part of a group that 281 00:12:09,663 --> 00:12:12,064 kind of trashes Anne Frank's house every year. 282 00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:13,733 You know what? No. That's it. 283 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,836 I'm not-I'm not doing any more of your crap, Meg. 284 00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,387 Chris, don't you see? You have no choice. 285 00:12:18,422 --> 00:12:20,990 I'll just go tell Mom and Dad about the money 286 00:12:21,024 --> 00:12:23,626 and they'll ground your ass for a year. 287 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,077 I don't care, tell them. 288 00:12:25,095 --> 00:12:26,562 'Cause I'm not even going to be here. 289 00:12:26,596 --> 00:12:29,532 I'm going to run away and no one will ever see me again. 290 00:12:29,566 --> 00:12:31,000 Good, go. 291 00:12:31,034 --> 00:12:32,184 And who's even going to miss you? 292 00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:33,469 You're just a little thief. 293 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,221 Where you going, Chris? 294 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,822 Who are you going to turn to? 295 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,241 You don't even have any friends. 296 00:12:40,944 --> 00:12:42,978 Hi. I ran away from home. 297 00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,848 Do you mind if I live with you? 298 00:12:45,882 --> 00:12:47,249 Live with me? 299 00:12:47,284 --> 00:12:48,651 My goodness, I feel like 300 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:51,687 I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming. 301 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:56,392 Hot dog, it's real. 302 00:13:03,156 --> 00:13:06,392 Mr. Herbert, it's 6:00, I'm-I'm not really tired yet. 303 00:13:06,426 --> 00:13:08,427 Well, you had those three cups of Nyquil. 304 00:13:08,462 --> 00:13:10,162 You'll be down soon enough. 305 00:13:10,197 --> 00:13:12,298 Okay, good night, Mr. Herbert. 306 00:13:12,332 --> 00:13:14,800 Sweet dreams, Chris. 307 00:13:18,872 --> 00:13:22,542 Mr. Herbert, what's life really all about? 308 00:13:22,576 --> 00:13:25,645 Well, I suppose it's about trying new things; 309 00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:27,847 sampling the sweet and the savory; 310 00:13:27,881 --> 00:13:30,082 not being afraid to take everything 311 00:13:30,117 --> 00:13:32,985 life wants to throw up on into ya. 312 00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:34,086 Wow. 313 00:13:34,121 --> 00:13:35,488 I never looked at it like that before. 314 00:13:35,522 --> 00:13:36,822 Thanks, Mr. Herbert. 315 00:13:41,128 --> 00:13:42,695 But don't you think it's scary 316 00:13:42,729 --> 00:13:43,963 to try new things? 317 00:13:43,997 --> 00:13:45,798 No, Chris. 318 00:13:45,832 --> 00:13:47,333 Life is like a new baseball glove. 319 00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:49,035 At first you think 320 00:13:49,069 --> 00:13:50,803 you're never going to get a ball in there. 321 00:13:50,837 --> 00:13:53,105 But then you oil it up, work your fingers 322 00:13:53,140 --> 00:13:55,575 around in there a little, and pretty soon 323 00:13:55,609 --> 00:13:57,743 you're pitching and catching. 324 00:13:57,778 --> 00:13:59,946 I guess that makes sense. 325 00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,584 Sorry. 326 00:14:04,618 --> 00:14:06,519 You really know how to waste a Cialis, 327 00:14:06,553 --> 00:14:08,521 don't you? 328 00:14:11,124 --> 00:14:12,658 ♪ The snowbird sings the song 329 00:14:12,693 --> 00:14:15,528 ♪ He always sings... 330 00:14:15,562 --> 00:14:17,129 You know, this is definitely 331 00:14:17,164 --> 00:14:18,364 a mystery song for me. 332 00:14:18,398 --> 00:14:20,299 It's so upbeat, but the lyrics are so dark. 333 00:14:20,334 --> 00:14:22,068 I'm-I'm sorry, are we both listening to "Snowbird," 334 00:14:22,102 --> 00:14:23,903 as recorded by Miss Anne Murray? 335 00:14:23,937 --> 00:14:25,037 Yeah, the woman in the song 336 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,472 is trying to cope with getting older 337 00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:27,657 and she feels trapped because 338 00:14:27,691 --> 00:14:29,592 she knows she can't do anything about it. 339 00:14:29,643 --> 00:14:31,010 No, no, no, no. 340 00:14:31,044 --> 00:14:32,678 I mean, you're right that she's feeling trapped, 341 00:14:32,713 --> 00:14:33,946 but the message is positive. 342 00:14:33,981 --> 00:14:35,448 It's about being trapped in a bad relationship 343 00:14:35,482 --> 00:14:37,717 and having the guts to get out of it. 344 00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:39,285 No, no. See, what I hear, is that the woman 345 00:14:39,319 --> 00:14:40,603 is starting to hate life. 346 00:14:40,637 --> 00:14:43,472 You know the line, "Now I feel such emptiness within"? 347 00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:45,107 Yeah, I know the song. 348 00:14:45,158 --> 00:14:46,425 Well, Anne Murray feels old. 349 00:14:46,460 --> 00:14:47,493 And then, to make things worse, 350 00:14:47,527 --> 00:14:49,061 the snowbird comes around every year, 351 00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:50,913 bringing the snow, or "death," 352 00:14:50,947 --> 00:14:52,365 to remind her that no matter what she does, 353 00:14:52,399 --> 00:14:54,634 her fate's already written. 354 00:14:54,668 --> 00:14:57,286 Brian, the snowbird has nothing to do with time or fate. 355 00:14:57,321 --> 00:14:58,554 Well, I disagree. 356 00:14:58,588 --> 00:14:59,889 Look, there's only one way to settle this. 357 00:14:59,923 --> 00:15:02,625 Only the artist knows the true meaning of their art. 358 00:15:04,161 --> 00:15:05,628 Now, Ms. O'Keefe, the flowers in your paintings, 359 00:15:05,662 --> 00:15:07,730 what do they represent? 360 00:15:07,764 --> 00:15:10,966 Oh, wow, that's a really good question. 361 00:15:12,602 --> 00:15:14,470 La, la, la... 362 00:15:15,572 --> 00:15:18,040 Mm... 363 00:15:24,147 --> 00:15:25,247 Oh, hi, Meg. 364 00:15:25,282 --> 00:15:27,583 Could you tell Chris breakfast is ready? 365 00:15:27,617 --> 00:15:30,286 Oh, um, I-I-I think he got up early. 366 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,922 He, um, said something about a fat kid rally 367 00:15:32,956 --> 00:15:34,256 at Little Caesars. 368 00:15:34,291 --> 00:15:36,158 Huh, it's not like Chris to miss breakfast. 369 00:15:36,193 --> 00:15:37,526 Oh, don't worry, Mom. 370 00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:40,129 I... I'm sure he'll be home later. 371 00:15:40,163 --> 00:15:41,263 Well, I hope so. 372 00:15:41,298 --> 00:15:43,015 We were supposed to go to the library 373 00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:44,250 to wipe boogers in fancy books. 374 00:15:44,284 --> 00:15:45,918 I like to wipe mine in Bronte novels. 375 00:15:45,952 --> 00:15:49,472 It's like a time bomb to gross out lonely chicks. 376 00:15:49,506 --> 00:15:51,540 Oh, Heathcliff. 377 00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:52,758 Oh, come on. 378 00:15:52,793 --> 00:15:55,294 I want so little. 379 00:15:58,365 --> 00:16:00,733 Chris, what did you do with my video tapes? 380 00:16:00,767 --> 00:16:03,502 I had a whole system. 381 00:16:03,537 --> 00:16:05,071 I was trying to find a good movie to watch. 382 00:16:05,105 --> 00:16:06,672 I've never even heard of most of these. 383 00:16:06,707 --> 00:16:08,274 "Jeffrey at the Park." 384 00:16:08,308 --> 00:16:10,793 "Mikey's Scoliosis Exam." 385 00:16:10,827 --> 00:16:14,346 "Nephew Somersault Compilation." 386 00:16:14,381 --> 00:16:15,861 Well, even if you never heard of them, 387 00:16:15,882 --> 00:16:17,149 I assume you heard of the alphabet. 388 00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:19,852 You want to explain to me how "Sammy Popsicle" 389 00:16:19,886 --> 00:16:23,022 comes before "Napping, Various"? 390 00:16:23,056 --> 00:16:24,240 Geez, I'm sorry. 391 00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:25,941 Well, can we watch "Lost Boys"? 392 00:16:25,976 --> 00:16:27,176 I've heard of that one. 393 00:16:27,210 --> 00:16:30,579 Those... those are different lost boys. 394 00:16:37,771 --> 00:16:38,892 Are you whistling "Snowbird"? 395 00:16:38,939 --> 00:16:40,172 Yeah. 396 00:16:40,190 --> 00:16:41,223 That's awesome. 397 00:16:41,274 --> 00:16:43,759 Whoa, whoa, whoa, why do you get to ring it? 398 00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,094 Because I was into her first. 399 00:16:45,128 --> 00:16:47,012 Let's flip for it, or... 400 00:16:47,130 --> 00:16:48,297 I can't believe you did that. 401 00:16:48,331 --> 00:16:49,865 I cannot believe you just did that. 402 00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:51,050 Will you stop it. 403 00:16:51,084 --> 00:16:52,234 She's going to think we're weird. 404 00:16:52,269 --> 00:16:53,285 Hi. Can I help you? 405 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,320 Hi. Miss Murray. 406 00:16:54,354 --> 00:16:55,754 My name's Brian Griffin. 407 00:16:55,788 --> 00:16:57,556 Uh, first of all, I just want to tell you 408 00:16:57,591 --> 00:16:59,124 what a huge fan I am. 409 00:16:59,159 --> 00:17:00,693 Aw, that's very sweet of you. 410 00:17:00,727 --> 00:17:01,861 And I'm Stewie. 411 00:17:01,895 --> 00:17:04,730 I'm the one who sent you the vibrators. 412 00:17:04,764 --> 00:17:06,232 Well, I'm glad you enjoy my music. 413 00:17:06,266 --> 00:17:07,399 Would you like to come in? 414 00:17:07,434 --> 00:17:08,651 We'd love to. 415 00:17:08,685 --> 00:17:10,185 Wow, nothing says success 416 00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:12,621 like free on a Tuesday at 3:00 p.m. 417 00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:14,690 I'll get there. 418 00:17:15,825 --> 00:17:17,293 So, Miss Murray, the reason we came 419 00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:19,094 is that we have a question about "Snowbird." 420 00:17:19,129 --> 00:17:20,713 It's about a relationship, right? 421 00:17:20,747 --> 00:17:22,715 No, no, it's obviously about the fear of growing old. 422 00:17:22,749 --> 00:17:24,469 You know, I think you're both kind of right. 423 00:17:24,484 --> 00:17:26,151 I guess I always thought it was about human limitation, 424 00:17:26,186 --> 00:17:28,704 both mental and physical. 425 00:17:28,738 --> 00:17:32,041 Okay, that... that just blew my face off. 426 00:17:32,075 --> 00:17:33,375 Well, I hope that helps. 427 00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:35,294 It does. Thank you so much, Miss Murray. 428 00:17:35,328 --> 00:17:36,562 This has been terrific. 429 00:17:36,596 --> 00:17:37,730 Hey, uh, before we go, 430 00:17:37,764 --> 00:17:38,948 do you mind if I use your restroom? 431 00:17:38,982 --> 00:17:40,316 It was a long drive up here. 432 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,835 No, go right ahead. 433 00:17:42,869 --> 00:17:44,336 We should do something without him sometime. 434 00:17:44,371 --> 00:17:46,038 Do you like tapas? 435 00:17:46,072 --> 00:17:47,873 Someone invited me out for that once. 436 00:17:47,908 --> 00:17:49,525 I thought they said topless, so I was like, 437 00:17:49,559 --> 00:17:50,659 what? 438 00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:51,694 That's a good story. 439 00:17:51,728 --> 00:17:53,095 Hey, you know, that was really cool 440 00:17:53,129 --> 00:17:55,164 how you told us what "Snowbird" was about. 441 00:17:55,198 --> 00:17:56,432 Well, you know, that's just the way 442 00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:58,017 I always interpreted the song. 443 00:17:58,051 --> 00:17:59,351 But I suppose Gene probably 444 00:17:59,386 --> 00:18:01,020 could have explained it better than I. 445 00:18:01,054 --> 00:18:02,688 Who's Gene? 446 00:18:02,722 --> 00:18:04,623 Gene MacLellan. He wrote the song. 447 00:18:04,658 --> 00:18:06,725 I see. 448 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:08,694 But you wrote all your other songs, right? 449 00:18:08,728 --> 00:18:10,963 No, all of my songs were written by other people. 450 00:18:10,997 --> 00:18:12,598 As a singer, I've been blessed 451 00:18:12,632 --> 00:18:14,967 to interpret the works of many gifted, sensitive 452 00:18:15,001 --> 00:18:16,235 songwriters. 453 00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:18,871 Oh. 454 00:18:18,905 --> 00:18:21,440 So, you're just a big liar? 455 00:18:21,474 --> 00:18:22,708 Sit back down. 456 00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:24,977 All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home... 457 00:18:26,596 --> 00:18:28,080 Stewie, what the hell are you doing? 458 00:18:28,114 --> 00:18:29,348 She's a fraud, Brian. A fraud! 459 00:18:29,382 --> 00:18:31,033 She didn't write any of her songs. 460 00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:32,968 Well, so, that's the case with a lot of singers. 461 00:18:33,003 --> 00:18:34,970 It's a very common industry practice. 462 00:18:35,005 --> 00:18:37,106 Well, then you're all a bunch of frauds, aren't you? 463 00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:39,041 A bunch of frauds and charlatans. 464 00:18:39,075 --> 00:18:40,542 You want to be a puppet? 465 00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:42,411 Then sing for your life, puppet. Come on. 466 00:18:42,445 --> 00:18:46,015 ♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away! ♪ 467 00:18:50,487 --> 00:18:52,221 Come on, Anne, sing along. 468 00:18:52,255 --> 00:18:54,590 You know it. You didn't write it, but you know it, bitch. 469 00:18:54,624 --> 00:18:58,744 ♪ The one I love forever is untrue ♪ 470 00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:03,549 ♪ And if I could you know that I would fly away with you. ♪ 471 00:19:06,269 --> 00:19:08,520 Hey, Meg, you here for the expired hot dogs? 472 00:19:08,555 --> 00:19:10,589 No, Carl, I'm looking for Chris. 473 00:19:10,623 --> 00:19:12,558 I've looked everywhere and I can't find him. 474 00:19:12,592 --> 00:19:15,060 Uh, I haven't seen him but I'll keep an eye out. 475 00:19:16,396 --> 00:19:18,964 Hey, bozos, what do you think of this? 476 00:19:18,999 --> 00:19:21,333 I did, I did it! 477 00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:22,601 You're crazy man. 478 00:19:22,635 --> 00:19:24,203 You're so crazy. 479 00:19:28,908 --> 00:19:31,010 I thought I told you to clean up in here? 480 00:19:31,044 --> 00:19:32,544 And why aren't you dressed? 481 00:19:32,579 --> 00:19:33,812 We're supposed to have dinner 482 00:19:33,847 --> 00:19:35,414 with Judge Maynard and Timmy. 483 00:19:35,448 --> 00:19:37,549 Yeah, okay, as soon as I finish this level. 484 00:19:37,584 --> 00:19:38,951 No, get your coat on. 485 00:19:38,985 --> 00:19:41,320 It's a three-hour drive to that cabin. 486 00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:43,088 Can't you just cook something here? 487 00:19:43,123 --> 00:19:44,256 Excuse me? 488 00:19:44,290 --> 00:19:46,058 I am not going to cook you dinner 489 00:19:46,092 --> 00:19:47,860 while you sit here in your own mess 490 00:19:47,894 --> 00:19:49,361 playing your TV games. 491 00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:51,697 Oh-ho, and the martyr returns. 492 00:19:51,731 --> 00:19:56,702 Chris, I... I think it's time for you to go. 493 00:19:56,736 --> 00:19:58,103 Okay, I'll go. 494 00:19:58,138 --> 00:19:59,471 But I want you to know, 495 00:19:59,506 --> 00:20:01,540 I faked all my light-headedness. 496 00:20:01,574 --> 00:20:03,042 Mm, good Kool-Aid. 497 00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:05,644 Whoa, whoa. 498 00:20:05,678 --> 00:20:06,979 Sound familiar? 499 00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:11,383 Oh, my God, Chris. 500 00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:12,584 Oh, there you are. 501 00:20:12,619 --> 00:20:14,153 I've been looking all over for you. 502 00:20:14,187 --> 00:20:16,889 Why? You want to humiliate me with more slave work? 503 00:20:16,923 --> 00:20:20,659 No, I... I wanted to apologize. 504 00:20:20,693 --> 00:20:22,261 I should've never blackmailed you. 505 00:20:22,295 --> 00:20:23,896 I'm really sorry. 506 00:20:23,930 --> 00:20:26,331 And I want you to come home. 507 00:20:26,366 --> 00:20:28,200 I thought you said no one would miss me? 508 00:20:28,234 --> 00:20:30,769 I said a lot of stupid things I didn't mean, Chris. 509 00:20:30,804 --> 00:20:32,688 But I miss you. 510 00:20:32,722 --> 00:20:35,257 Thanks, Meg. I miss you, too. 511 00:20:35,291 --> 00:20:37,192 You know, living in that family, 512 00:20:37,227 --> 00:20:38,594 we both have pretty crappy lives. 513 00:20:38,628 --> 00:20:40,095 And if we're going to survive it, 514 00:20:40,130 --> 00:20:41,597 we can't turn on each other. 515 00:20:41,631 --> 00:20:43,165 We're all we have. 516 00:20:43,199 --> 00:20:44,399 I know. 517 00:20:44,434 --> 00:20:46,401 I'll never do anything like that again. 518 00:20:46,436 --> 00:20:48,203 Do you think you can ever forgive me? 519 00:20:48,238 --> 00:20:50,339 Yeah, I forgive you. 520 00:20:56,429 --> 00:21:01,429 == sync, corrected by elderman == 521 00:21:04,504 --> 00:21:05,938 We broke up.