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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,422 --> 00:00:10,842
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 10x10 ♪
Meg and Quagmire
Original Air Date on January 8, 2012
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00:00:32,526 --> 00:00:36,026
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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You guys, don't you think
I'm a little old
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for the Teen Choice Awards?
I mean, I turned 18 today.
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Oh, come on, Meg.
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You always used to love
the Teen Choice Awards.
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Yeah, ever since Fox
pulled this contrived night
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of out of
their ass, in an effort
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to get in on the awards
show business,
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00:00:50,386 --> 00:00:52,237
it's been very
special to you.
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Coming to you live, it's
the Teen Choice Awards!
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Featuring...
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00:01:05,885 --> 00:01:08,554
I tell ya, every year, I
recognize fewer and fewer names.
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And a live performance by...
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Plus we tally your text vote
for the Biggest Whiff
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and Choice Bro-ment
of the Year!
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And now your host...
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Wavyhair Doucheston!
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I touched him!
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What's up, Teen Choice Awards?!
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We're gonna kick things off
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with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!
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00:02:02,642 --> 00:02:07,446
Give it up for our first
presenter, Wilford Brimley!
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00:02:07,514 --> 00:02:09,998
It's entirely too loud in here!
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00:02:10,083 --> 00:02:11,717
Quiet down!
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00:02:11,784 --> 00:02:13,952
There's no accountability
anymore!
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00:02:14,020 --> 00:02:15,287
I have diabetes!
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Hey, what do you say we get
some music in here, huh?
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No, that'll only
make things worse!
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Give it up for our first
nominated Choice Band
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of the Night,
Peehole Skin!
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♪ Feelings
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♪ Feelings
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♪ Feelings
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I'm gonna put
a stop to this!
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Well, that was
unfortunate.
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00:02:50,856 --> 00:02:52,958
Hey, what's with all
the cars on the street?
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00:02:53,025 --> 00:02:55,010
Oh, they're all here
for your surprise party, Meg.
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00:02:55,078 --> 00:02:56,862
Peter, for God's
sake, you idiot!
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00:02:56,930 --> 00:02:58,864
We were supposed
to open the door
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00:02:58,932 --> 00:03:00,465
so everyone could
yell "surprise!"
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00:03:02,101 --> 00:03:03,535
Surprise!
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00:03:03,586 --> 00:03:06,154
Oh... Oh, dear.
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00:03:06,222 --> 00:03:08,974
Mom, if it's a surprise party,
where is everybody?
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00:03:09,041 --> 00:03:10,342
Chris, what the hell?!
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I thought you were
gonna pay the kids
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from school to show up!
I gave you $300!
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00:03:14,514 --> 00:03:15,914
Why do you think
Dad's here?
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00:03:15,982 --> 00:03:17,316
Hey, Meg, happy birthday.
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00:03:17,383 --> 00:03:19,201
You're the coolest.
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00:03:19,269 --> 00:03:21,536
Well, then what are all the cars
doing out there?
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Oh, they must be
for Mort's party.
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00:03:23,273 --> 00:03:25,440
Okay, the first rule
of Jewish fight club
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is if somebody says,
"Ow," you stop.
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Ow!
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Okay, let's eat.
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00:03:31,264 --> 00:03:33,365
I'm really sorry
about this, honey.
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00:03:33,433 --> 00:03:35,233
I-It looks like
nobody's coming.
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00:03:35,301 --> 00:03:38,003
But we had fun at the Teen
Choice Awards, right?
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00:03:38,071 --> 00:03:39,404
I guess.
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00:03:39,472 --> 00:03:41,640
Well, I guess we
ought to call it a night.
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00:03:41,708 --> 00:03:43,141
Come on, Stewie.
Up to bed.
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No party? Oh, come on.
I was gonna show a slide show
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00:03:46,646 --> 00:03:48,513
of all those silly photos
I took of Meg.
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00:03:57,657 --> 00:03:59,358
Well, happy birthday
anyway, Meg.
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00:03:59,425 --> 00:04:00,792
See you in the morning.
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00:04:03,696 --> 00:04:05,480
Hey, Quagmire.
What's going on?
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00:04:05,565 --> 00:04:06,999
Well, Peter,
a little birdie told me
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00:04:07,066 --> 00:04:08,050
that today is
Meg's birthday.
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00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:09,100
You giving me credit?
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00:04:09,152 --> 00:04:10,535
Yeah, I just told him.
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00:04:10,603 --> 00:04:11,703
I'm the one
who told him.
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00:04:13,039 --> 00:04:15,157
So where is
the birthday girl?
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00:04:15,224 --> 00:04:16,658
Oh, hi, Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:16,726 --> 00:04:19,978
Oh, please,
my father is Mr. Quagmi--
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00:04:20,046 --> 00:04:21,647
Oh, no. He's... Okay,
well, he used
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00:04:21,714 --> 00:04:22,881
to be Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:22,949 --> 00:04:24,983
Now he's, how he's
just Ida Davis.
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00:04:25,051 --> 00:04:27,419
Anyway, this is a special day
for you, young lady.
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00:04:27,487 --> 00:04:30,122
Here's a gift for ya.
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00:04:30,189 --> 00:04:31,356
A scented candle?
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00:04:31,424 --> 00:04:33,225
As a girl,
I love this!
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00:04:33,292 --> 00:04:35,127
That was originally $30.
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00:04:35,194 --> 00:04:37,129
Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:37,196 --> 00:04:38,697
Well, it's your
18th birthday, Meg.
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00:04:38,765 --> 00:04:40,032
That's a very important
milestone in
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00:04:40,099 --> 00:04:41,099
a young girl's...
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00:04:41,167 --> 00:04:42,901
I mean, a young
woman's life.
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00:04:42,969 --> 00:04:44,536
Hey, welcome
to the adult club, huh?
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00:04:44,604 --> 00:04:45,804
And you know what?
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00:04:45,872 --> 00:04:47,339
You got another member
right next door
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00:04:47,407 --> 00:04:48,807
if you ever want
to talk and stuff.
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00:04:48,875 --> 00:04:50,225
Happy birthday.
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00:04:53,930 --> 00:04:55,831
Hey... Hey, where's
that pinky going, huh?
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00:04:55,898 --> 00:04:57,699
Where's he going?
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00:04:57,767 --> 00:04:59,735
Wha, what's he doing?
Get back here.
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00:04:59,802 --> 00:05:01,336
There you go.
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00:05:01,404 --> 00:05:03,889
Look at Quagmire hitting
on that skank.
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00:05:03,956 --> 00:05:05,657
You know he's gonna
close the deal.
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00:05:05,725 --> 00:05:07,059
Peter, that skank is
your daughter.
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00:05:07,126 --> 00:05:08,660
Oh, my God,
you're right!
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00:05:08,728 --> 00:05:10,829
You know, Meg,
I'd love to see you
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without your hat on.
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00:05:12,248 --> 00:05:13,081
Okay.
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00:05:17,089 --> 00:05:19,457
So, anyway, I'm on approach
into Lambert Field
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in some of the worst turbulence
I've ever flown through.
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I mean, I have never seen
anything like it.
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00:05:24,130 --> 00:05:26,164
Everyone in the cabin
was, like, "Aah!"
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00:05:26,249 --> 00:05:27,799
but I kept my cool.
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00:05:27,867 --> 00:05:30,302
I trusted my training,
and brought the plane in safely,
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00:05:30,369 --> 00:05:32,170
and in fact,
it turned out, ironically,
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to be one of the smoothest
landings I've ever made.
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00:05:34,674 --> 00:05:36,741
Well, gosh, Quagmire,
this has been a fun night,
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00:05:36,809 --> 00:05:38,910
but I guess, uh, you better be
getting home now, huh?
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00:05:38,978 --> 00:05:40,262
Yeah, it is getting late
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00:05:40,329 --> 00:05:42,347
I guess I'll go home
and rub out a giggity.
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00:05:42,415 --> 00:05:43,481
Take it easy, you guys.
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00:05:43,549 --> 00:05:44,716
See you later, Meg.
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00:05:44,784 --> 00:05:46,851
Bye.
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00:05:46,919 --> 00:05:47,886
Okay, that was weird.
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00:05:47,954 --> 00:05:48,903
That was weird.
Right?
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00:05:48,971 --> 00:05:50,305
Oh, my God,
so weird.
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00:05:50,373 --> 00:05:52,190
I tell you something,
if he touches my daughter,
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00:05:52,258 --> 00:05:53,792
I'm gonna be kicking butts
and taking names!
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00:05:53,859 --> 00:05:54,960
And then giving
those names
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00:05:55,027 --> 00:05:56,428
to other people
whose butts I kick.
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00:05:56,495 --> 00:05:58,346
What's your name?
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00:05:58,414 --> 00:05:59,481
Derek.
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00:05:59,548 --> 00:06:01,166
What's your name?
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00:06:01,233 --> 00:06:02,067
Michael.
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00:06:02,134 --> 00:06:03,068
You're Derek now!
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00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:15,580
Oh!
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00:06:58,124 --> 00:07:00,892
Okay, Glenn,
time to reel her in.
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00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:11,152
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
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00:07:13,889 --> 00:07:15,890
Ah, it's too much, too much.
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00:07:20,930 --> 00:07:22,630
I love stars!
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00:07:25,468 --> 00:07:28,670
We now return to Grainy Footage
of a Potential Bigfoot
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that will surely spark a lively
debate in your household.
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00:07:34,827 --> 00:07:36,327
Oh, my God!
That is real!
149
00:07:36,395 --> 00:07:38,830
No, total fake.
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00:07:38,898 --> 00:07:40,632
Look at that. That is obviously
a suit. It's a fraud.
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00:07:40,699 --> 00:07:42,183
Look at the way it walks.
Totally fake.
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00:07:42,251 --> 00:07:43,585
Why would somebody
make that up, Lois?
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00:07:43,652 --> 00:07:44,753
What's in it for them?
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00:07:46,389 --> 00:07:48,223
Oh, hey, Mr. G.
How's it going?
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00:07:48,290 --> 00:07:49,591
Quagmire, what are you
doing here?
156
00:07:49,658 --> 00:07:51,092
Hi, Glenn.
Bye, you guys.
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00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,560
Me and Glenn
are going out.
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00:07:52,628 --> 00:07:54,279
What?! Like
hell you are!
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00:07:54,346 --> 00:07:56,948
Don't worry, Dad!
I'll take care of him!
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00:07:57,016 --> 00:07:59,234
Stay away from my sis!
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00:07:59,301 --> 00:08:01,352
Okay, you two have
fun on your date.
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What?!
Drive carefully.
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00:08:02,971 --> 00:08:04,406
We'll see you later.
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00:08:04,473 --> 00:08:05,874
Lois, are you out
of your mind?!
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00:08:05,941 --> 00:08:07,742
We can't let Quagmire
take Meg out on a date!
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00:08:07,810 --> 00:08:09,210
That guy'll bang anything.
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00:08:09,278 --> 00:08:10,929
Hey, Lois, I'm starving.
What's for dinner?
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00:08:10,996 --> 00:08:13,114
I made meatloaf.
It's in the fridge.
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00:08:13,182 --> 00:08:15,100
Hey, Peter, do you mind?
170
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:16,584
But I have
to get dinner.
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Go out!
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00:08:18,037 --> 00:08:18,970
Peter, nothing's
gonna happen.
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00:08:19,038 --> 00:08:20,321
Don't you see?
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00:08:20,389 --> 00:08:22,590
She's only doing this
to get a rise out of us.
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00:08:22,658 --> 00:08:24,759
If we fight her on it,
she'll only push further.
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00:08:24,827 --> 00:08:26,694
Well, she may not plan
on sleeping with him,
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00:08:26,762 --> 00:08:28,513
but you don't know how
smooth Quagmire is, Lois.
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00:08:28,581 --> 00:08:29,681
He's like a vagician.
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00:08:29,748 --> 00:08:31,116
Oh, that's clever.
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00:08:31,183 --> 00:08:33,351
I know! Isn't it?
He practices vagic.
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00:08:33,419 --> 00:08:34,786
"Vagician" was funnier.
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00:08:34,854 --> 00:08:36,754
Okay, well, the point is,
we ought to be worried.
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00:08:36,822 --> 00:08:37,822
Peter, trust me.
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00:08:37,890 --> 00:08:39,457
I know what's going on
in her head.
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00:08:39,525 --> 00:08:40,625
It's just a game.
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00:08:40,693 --> 00:08:42,961
I used to do the same
thing to my parents.
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00:08:43,028 --> 00:08:44,596
The problem is,
they pushed back,
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00:08:44,663 --> 00:08:46,498
and the results
were not good.
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00:08:47,666 --> 00:08:48,800
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
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00:08:48,868 --> 00:08:50,235
we pumped your
daughter's stomach
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00:08:50,302 --> 00:08:52,337
and we found vodka, Rohypnol,
a fair amount of DNA
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00:08:52,404 --> 00:08:54,672
that is not her own
and a class ring.
193
00:08:54,740 --> 00:08:55,807
Harvard?
194
00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:58,076
I think it was
SUNY something.
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00:08:58,144 --> 00:08:59,711
Oh, I don't want
to hear any more!
196
00:09:02,097 --> 00:09:03,665
So how're
your studies going?
197
00:09:03,732 --> 00:09:04,732
They're going
pretty good.
198
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:06,301
School's good.
199
00:09:06,368 --> 00:09:07,702
What's your favorite class?
200
00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:09,437
What was your
favorite class?
201
00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:11,272
Okay, let's say it
at the same time
202
00:09:11,340 --> 00:09:12,574
and see if they're
the same.
203
00:09:12,641 --> 00:09:14,175
Okay, one, two, three.
204
00:09:14,243 --> 00:09:15,510
Hist... math!
Math!
205
00:09:15,578 --> 00:09:17,779
Oh, my God, we have
so much in common!
206
00:09:17,847 --> 00:09:19,380
Do you have any brothers
or sisters?
207
00:09:19,448 --> 00:09:20,548
Yeah, I have
two brothers.
208
00:09:20,616 --> 00:09:21,649
Aw, they sound
terrific.
209
00:09:21,717 --> 00:09:23,051
Hey, you want to blow
this joint?
210
00:09:23,118 --> 00:09:24,185
Sure.
211
00:09:24,253 --> 00:09:26,454
Oh, wow, really?!
All right, go for it!
212
00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:28,106
Come on. Let's go.
213
00:09:28,174 --> 00:09:29,507
Oh, oh, you,
you mean leave.
214
00:09:29,575 --> 00:09:31,209
No, yeah, sure.
No, let's go.
215
00:09:34,497 --> 00:09:36,831
Gosh, Meg, I sure had
a swell time with you.
216
00:09:36,899 --> 00:09:39,067
Me, too, Glenn.
God, it's so amazing
217
00:09:39,134 --> 00:09:41,169
that you've been my dad's friend
for, like, years,
218
00:09:41,237 --> 00:09:42,871
and now we have this connection.
219
00:09:42,938 --> 00:09:44,272
Hey, do you want
to come in
220
00:09:44,340 --> 00:09:45,740
for some Crystal Light
or something?
221
00:09:45,791 --> 00:09:48,359
Well, I do believe in me,
but it's getting kind of late.
222
00:09:48,427 --> 00:09:50,862
Um, I really want to
see you again, though.
223
00:09:50,930 --> 00:09:52,764
Oh, you know it.
224
00:10:00,556 --> 00:10:02,090
Oh, God, Peter!
225
00:10:02,157 --> 00:10:03,391
Scared the
hell out of me!
226
00:10:03,459 --> 00:10:05,593
What're you doing here?
I think you know.
227
00:10:05,661 --> 00:10:07,195
Did you have sex
with my daughter?
228
00:10:07,263 --> 00:10:09,230
What? Come on, Peter.
229
00:10:09,298 --> 00:10:10,598
Did you have sex
with my daughter?!
230
00:10:10,666 --> 00:10:12,400
Peter, trust me,
it's not happening.
231
00:10:12,468 --> 00:10:13,902
All right. Good.
232
00:10:13,969 --> 00:10:15,703
Yeah, she's really making
me work for it.
233
00:10:15,771 --> 00:10:17,171
Maybe you could
talk to her.
234
00:10:17,239 --> 00:10:18,540
Well, I'll try,
235
00:10:18,607 --> 00:10:20,642
but sometimes she can be
as stubborn as a mule.
236
00:10:20,709 --> 00:10:22,310
I tell you, you tell her
to do something once,
237
00:10:22,378 --> 00:10:23,878
she does the opposite.
238
00:10:23,946 --> 00:10:25,413
You know, it's like
she ain't even heard you
239
00:10:25,481 --> 00:10:26,681
in the first place.
240
00:10:26,749 --> 00:10:28,049
It's like talking
to a brick wall.
241
00:10:28,117 --> 00:10:29,717
Worse than talking...
242
00:10:29,785 --> 00:10:31,603
Even a brick wall doesn't tell
you they understand you,
243
00:10:31,670 --> 00:10:33,004
and then go do the opposite,
you know?
244
00:10:33,072 --> 00:10:34,556
So it's no surprise to me
245
00:10:34,623 --> 00:10:35,840
that you're having
these difficulties.
246
00:10:35,908 --> 00:10:38,776
That-that just seems
to be the way she is.
247
00:10:38,844 --> 00:10:40,645
You know, whether it's just
that she's not listening
248
00:10:40,729 --> 00:10:43,164
or whether it's that she's
making a conscious decision
249
00:10:43,232 --> 00:10:46,234
to defy your wishes,
who can say, you know?
250
00:10:46,302 --> 00:10:47,902
And I would say,
in some respects,
251
00:10:47,970 --> 00:10:50,271
having a strong-willed kid
is a good thing,
252
00:10:50,339 --> 00:10:52,307
but it can get frustrating
as hell on the other side.
253
00:10:52,374 --> 00:10:53,575
So, you know, lieve me,
254
00:10:53,642 --> 00:10:55,043
I hear loud and clear
where you're--
255
00:10:55,110 --> 00:10:57,345
Wait a second!
No, I won't talk to her!
256
00:10:57,413 --> 00:10:59,647
And I want you to stay the hell
away from her!
257
00:10:59,715 --> 00:11:01,716
Peter it's me-- Quagmire.
258
00:11:01,784 --> 00:11:03,318
This is what I do.
259
00:11:03,385 --> 00:11:05,987
Besides, Meg is 18 now
and you've gotta let go.
260
00:11:06,055 --> 00:11:08,022
You've done your job.
It's my turn now.
261
00:11:08,090 --> 00:11:10,224
Look, Quagmire, you're
one of my best pals,
262
00:11:10,292 --> 00:11:12,393
and I'm asking you
not to do this.
263
00:11:12,461 --> 00:11:14,329
I want to help you,
Peter, I really do,
264
00:11:14,396 --> 00:11:16,664
but it's-- it's like you're
asking a fish not to swim.
265
00:11:16,732 --> 00:11:18,049
She's legal and I'm going in.
266
00:11:18,117 --> 00:11:19,617
Well, we'll see about that.
267
00:11:19,685 --> 00:11:21,419
I ain't afraid
to stand up to friends.
268
00:11:21,487 --> 00:11:22,704
Just ask Spartacus.
269
00:11:22,771 --> 00:11:24,238
I'm Spartacus.
270
00:11:24,306 --> 00:11:25,790
I'm Spartacus.
271
00:11:25,858 --> 00:11:26,824
That guy's
Spartacus.
272
00:11:30,195 --> 00:11:33,998
- We now return to Two Lame
- Chicks on Vacation in Mexico.
273
00:11:35,267 --> 00:11:37,919
Oh, my God, don't
drink the water.
274
00:11:37,987 --> 00:11:40,288
I'm so going to brush
my teeth with tequila.
275
00:11:40,356 --> 00:11:42,023
Mexico!
Mexico!
276
00:11:42,074 --> 00:11:43,858
Hey, is this beach topless?
277
00:11:43,909 --> 00:11:46,277
No, but my
margarita's bottomless.
278
00:11:46,345 --> 00:11:47,945
Mexico!
Mexico!
279
00:11:48,013 --> 00:11:51,082
That cute guy's been
staring at you all night.
280
00:11:51,150 --> 00:11:54,619
Oh, my God. I'm going to go poo
now, so I don't have to later.
281
00:11:54,687 --> 00:11:56,454
Mexico!
Mexico!
282
00:11:56,522 --> 00:11:59,340
Hey, you want to see
my pictures from Mexico?
283
00:11:59,408 --> 00:12:03,945
Look, Janine, I just-- this is--
I can't with you anymore.
284
00:12:04,013 --> 00:12:06,414
It's all the time.
This is a job.
285
00:12:06,482 --> 00:12:08,116
Please take off
that silly hat.
286
00:12:10,319 --> 00:12:13,921
- Mexico!
- I... I can't talk right now.
287
00:12:16,742 --> 00:12:17,608
You okay?
288
00:12:17,693 --> 00:12:18,993
Yeah, babe.
289
00:12:19,061 --> 00:12:20,645
I got to pee,
but I don't want to move.
290
00:12:20,713 --> 00:12:22,246
I'm so comfortable right now.
291
00:12:22,331 --> 00:12:23,581
I can pause it.
292
00:12:23,666 --> 00:12:24,882
I guess you could
pause it...
293
00:12:24,950 --> 00:12:26,233
but you can't pause me!
294
00:12:26,285 --> 00:12:27,669
Fast forward.
Fast forward.
295
00:12:27,736 --> 00:12:29,120
Fast forward.
Glenn, stop.
296
00:12:29,204 --> 00:12:30,571
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe either.
297
00:12:30,622 --> 00:12:31,739
This is torture
for me, too.
298
00:12:31,790 --> 00:12:32,740
No fair. Stop.
299
00:12:32,791 --> 00:12:34,392
I'm going to...
300
00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:36,027
Sorry.
301
00:12:36,095 --> 00:12:38,129
Ah, that's all right.
It's just your body.
302
00:12:38,197 --> 00:12:39,797
Sometimes things slip out.
303
00:12:39,865 --> 00:12:41,332
Probably just making
room for something.
304
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:42,934
Like what?
305
00:12:43,018 --> 00:12:45,370
Hey, gang, got room for one more
right in the middle of you two?
306
00:12:45,437 --> 00:12:47,372
Come on, scooch apart, there.
307
00:12:47,439 --> 00:12:49,307
Ooh, what's this?
Quagmire's cell phone?
308
00:12:49,391 --> 00:12:50,975
Well, now that you're with Meg,
309
00:12:51,060 --> 00:12:53,778
you don't need to be talking to,
uh, "Backbush" anymore.
310
00:12:53,862 --> 00:12:56,197
Oh, and I'll send a text to
"Possible Nipple Ring"
311
00:12:56,265 --> 00:12:57,732
saying you're off the market.
312
00:12:59,351 --> 00:13:01,619
You're "Possible Nipple Ring"?
313
00:13:01,704 --> 00:13:03,855
All right, well, I better
send a text to "Backbush."
314
00:13:05,124 --> 00:13:06,424
Oh, come on.
I'm "Backbush"?
315
00:13:06,492 --> 00:13:08,126
This can't be a
surprise to you, Peter.
316
00:13:08,193 --> 00:13:09,761
Yeah, I knew.
317
00:13:09,828 --> 00:13:12,080
I just didn't know you knew.
318
00:13:14,116 --> 00:13:15,717
Okay, what compound is this?
319
00:13:15,784 --> 00:13:17,118
That's sodium chloride.
320
00:13:17,169 --> 00:13:18,686
That's right.
How about this one?
321
00:13:18,754 --> 00:13:20,021
Hydrogen peroxide.
322
00:13:20,089 --> 00:13:22,073
God, you're so smart.
How about this one?
323
00:13:22,141 --> 00:13:25,126
QM2? I'm not sure
what that is.
324
00:13:25,194 --> 00:13:26,694
It's Quag-megium.
325
00:13:26,762 --> 00:13:28,596
It's the strongest
compound on Earth.
326
00:13:28,664 --> 00:13:29,997
Nothing can separate it.
327
00:13:30,065 --> 00:13:32,300
It has an atomic weight
of awesome.
328
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:34,268
You're such a
cutie patootie.
329
00:13:34,336 --> 00:13:37,238
If I'm a cutie patootie, then
you're a peenie-vageenie.
330
00:13:37,306 --> 00:13:38,356
Aww!
331
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,808
I heard a cute "aw" in there.
Cool down!
332
00:13:45,597 --> 00:13:48,349
Meg, there's something
we need to talk about.
333
00:13:48,417 --> 00:13:50,852
Dad, I swear to God, I thought
you could flush those things.
334
00:13:50,919 --> 00:13:52,341
Meg, you ever heard
of Joan Van Ark?
335
00:13:52,366 --> 00:13:53,421
No.
336
00:13:53,422 --> 00:13:54,989
Here's a picture
of Joan Van Ark.
337
00:13:55,057 --> 00:13:56,824
Oh, my God, she's gorgeous.
338
00:13:56,892 --> 00:13:58,126
Gorgeous. Yes.
339
00:13:58,193 --> 00:13:59,894
Yes, Meg, gorgeous.
340
00:13:59,962 --> 00:14:01,662
Yes.
Every man wanted her.
341
00:14:01,730 --> 00:14:03,564
But one man got her.
342
00:14:03,632 --> 00:14:06,834
A man she trusted to keep her
safe and beautiful forever.
343
00:14:06,902 --> 00:14:08,402
That man was Glenn Quagmire.
344
00:14:08,470 --> 00:14:10,004
And two short months later,
345
00:14:10,072 --> 00:14:11,939
this is what happened
to Joan Van Ark.
346
00:14:12,007 --> 00:14:14,475
Oh! Oh, my God!
347
00:14:14,543 --> 00:14:16,344
I don't want this
to happen to you, Meg.
348
00:14:16,411 --> 00:14:18,546
I don't want you to turn
into a hilarious photograph.
349
00:14:18,614 --> 00:14:20,181
Dad, I know what
you're trying to do,
350
00:14:20,249 --> 00:14:21,716
and I want you
to stop it.
351
00:14:21,784 --> 00:14:22,683
Mom!
352
00:14:22,751 --> 00:14:23,818
What is it, Meg?
353
00:14:23,886 --> 00:14:25,686
Mom, tell Dad
to leave me alone.
354
00:14:25,754 --> 00:14:27,955
I'm 18, and he keeps
treating me like a kid.
355
00:14:28,023 --> 00:14:31,459
Peter, I told you not to push
her about this Quagmire thing.
356
00:14:31,527 --> 00:14:32,923
If you push too hard,
357
00:14:32,948 --> 00:14:34,548
you're going to push her
right into his arms.
358
00:14:34,630 --> 00:14:35,880
Well, what am I supposed to do?
359
00:14:35,948 --> 00:14:37,098
Nothing.
360
00:14:37,166 --> 00:14:38,666
This is a big game
Meg is playing,
361
00:14:38,734 --> 00:14:40,968
and the only way to win
is not to play it.
362
00:14:41,036 --> 00:14:43,504
Is that a WarGames reference?
Might be.
363
00:14:43,572 --> 00:14:45,907
You know WarGames?
Yeah.
364
00:14:45,974 --> 00:14:47,475
Still finding out
new stuff about you.
365
00:14:47,543 --> 00:14:48,643
That's the adventure.
366
00:14:48,710 --> 00:14:49,844
There's a nerd in there.
367
00:14:49,912 --> 00:14:50,978
Maybe there is.
368
00:14:51,046 --> 00:14:52,413
I might bang her later.
369
00:14:52,481 --> 00:14:53,848
How about a nice
game of chess?
370
00:14:53,916 --> 00:14:55,016
I prefer banging.
371
00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:57,018
Dad, have you seen my book bag?
372
00:14:57,085 --> 00:14:58,686
What, Chris?
373
00:15:02,891 --> 00:15:04,292
Oh, Peter, there you are.
374
00:15:04,359 --> 00:15:06,460
Would you go tell Meg
that lunch is on the table?
375
00:15:06,528 --> 00:15:08,229
Oh, Meg's not here.
What do you mean?
376
00:15:08,297 --> 00:15:09,997
She and Quagmire went up
to his cabin for the weekend.
377
00:15:09,999 --> 00:15:10,678
What?!
378
00:15:10,682 --> 00:15:12,350
Yeah, I drew you
a crude flip book
379
00:15:12,417 --> 00:15:13,684
to explain what's happening.
380
00:15:19,208 --> 00:15:20,842
Okay, I got
a little off track there,
381
00:15:20,909 --> 00:15:22,376
but they went to his cabin.
382
00:15:22,427 --> 00:15:24,929
Peter, Quagmire has
a name for that cabin.
383
00:15:24,997 --> 00:15:26,597
He calls it his sex cabin.
384
00:15:26,665 --> 00:15:28,666
No, he doesn't.
He calls it "The Stuffet Inn."
385
00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:30,434
Oh, my God, I can't believe
you knew about this
386
00:15:30,502 --> 00:15:31,586
and you let her go.
387
00:15:31,653 --> 00:15:32,920
Hey, don't give me that crap.
388
00:15:32,988 --> 00:15:34,689
I'm doing exactly
what you told me to do.
389
00:15:34,756 --> 00:15:36,641
You said don't mess with her
business, so I didn't.
390
00:15:36,708 --> 00:15:38,826
Peter, this is different.
391
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:41,429
It's one thing to
rebelliously flaunt an older guy
392
00:15:41,496 --> 00:15:43,731
in front of your parents,
but it's a whole other thing
393
00:15:43,799 --> 00:15:46,234
to go away with him for the
weekend to his sex cabin.
394
00:15:46,301 --> 00:15:47,969
Oh, is that right?
395
00:15:48,036 --> 00:15:51,539
Oh, don't worry, Peter, he's
not going to sleep with her.
396
00:15:51,607 --> 00:15:53,841
That's you. Nerd.
397
00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:57,044
Look, everyone knows if you go
away with a guy for the weekend
398
00:15:57,112 --> 00:15:59,447
and don't have sex with him,
you're a huge bitch.
399
00:15:59,514 --> 00:16:00,915
We got to stop them.
400
00:16:00,983 --> 00:16:02,416
So you admit you were wrong.
Yes.
401
00:16:02,484 --> 00:16:04,452
You admit you were stupid.
Yes, yes.
402
00:16:04,519 --> 00:16:06,337
You admit all women are stupid.
No.
403
00:16:06,421 --> 00:16:08,039
All right, I'll take
what I can get.
404
00:16:08,106 --> 00:16:09,206
Come on.
To the Peter-dactyl.
405
00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:21,185
Oh, no, now I got
to take care of the babies.
406
00:16:31,932 --> 00:16:33,851
Look, Peter,
his car's still there.
407
00:16:33,852 --> 00:16:35,386
Maybe they haven't left yet.
408
00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:38,556
Quagmire, let me in,
you son of a bitch.
409
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,658
I'm sorry
I'm not home to receive you.
410
00:16:40,726 --> 00:16:42,827
The reason being that you have
sufficiently scared me away
411
00:16:42,894 --> 00:16:44,528
from your wife or daughter.
412
00:16:44,596 --> 00:16:48,132
I plan to get help and use
better judgment in the future.
413
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,667
Wait a minute, so Quagmire
414
00:16:49,735 --> 00:16:51,302
just changed all of a
sudden, just like that?
415
00:16:51,370 --> 00:16:52,703
You want me to read this or not?
416
00:16:52,771 --> 00:16:54,472
No, Grandpa, I don't.
417
00:16:54,539 --> 00:16:56,574
No kid wants to be read
anything any more.
418
00:16:56,641 --> 00:16:58,976
Computers exist.
It's just you won't leave.
419
00:16:59,044 --> 00:17:01,879
Okay, where were we?
Quagmire's front door.
420
00:17:01,947 --> 00:17:03,480
You think they're
hiding in there?
421
00:17:03,532 --> 00:17:05,700
Oh, no! Peter, look.
422
00:17:05,784 --> 00:17:07,752
See you later, suckers.
423
00:17:10,806 --> 00:17:13,257
Oh, good luck to them.
Peter!
424
00:17:13,325 --> 00:17:14,275
Oh, right, right.
Let's go.
425
00:17:23,235 --> 00:17:25,753
We're never going
to get up there.
426
00:17:25,821 --> 00:17:27,671
I wonder what's causing
all this traffic.
427
00:17:27,739 --> 00:17:29,440
Oh, boy.
Yep, there's the problem.
428
00:17:29,508 --> 00:17:30,541
Not drawn yet.
429
00:17:33,945 --> 00:17:35,746
Come on, guys.
Really? Let's go.
430
00:17:35,814 --> 00:17:37,548
What the hell's
going on up there?
431
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:43,370
What...? Yep. Yep.
432
00:17:49,077 --> 00:17:50,377
So tell the truth.
433
00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:52,413
Have you brought
other women up here before?
434
00:17:52,481 --> 00:17:54,682
Honestly? Two.
Really?
435
00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:57,585
Yep, I brought the ashes
of my third grade teacher,
436
00:17:57,652 --> 00:17:59,220
Mrs. Nicholson, and spread
them across the lake,
437
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:00,588
per her last request.
438
00:18:00,655 --> 00:18:01,655
Oh.
439
00:18:01,723 --> 00:18:03,124
The other was some skag
440
00:18:03,191 --> 00:18:04,454
I met on a dock
four miles from here.
441
00:18:04,479 --> 00:18:05,579
What?!
442
00:18:05,610 --> 00:18:08,145
Strike four, Jelly Jealouson.
443
00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,530
The other was my sister.
444
00:18:11,683 --> 00:18:13,851
It's so nice up here.
445
00:18:13,919 --> 00:18:15,886
I know.
I love the way the fire
446
00:18:15,954 --> 00:18:18,205
makes the shadows dance around
behind us.
447
00:18:18,273 --> 00:18:20,374
One time, my friends
and I went camping,
448
00:18:20,442 --> 00:18:22,643
and nobody could
start a campfire,
449
00:18:22,711 --> 00:18:25,613
and then I tried to start
the campfire, and I could.
450
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,148
That's insane.
451
00:18:27,215 --> 00:18:28,749
Wha-- what is going on
over here?
452
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:30,751
Wha-- are we taking
our shirts off now?
453
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:32,069
Okay, follow the leader.
454
00:18:34,089 --> 00:18:36,006
Come on, Peter, hurry!
455
00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:37,241
Wait wait,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
456
00:18:38,844 --> 00:18:40,678
Listen to that.
It's a loon.
457
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:42,213
That's beautiful.
458
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,548
You know, we ought to get
a cabin up here.
459
00:18:44,616 --> 00:18:46,650
Peter, we're wasting time.
460
00:18:46,718 --> 00:18:49,386
Quagmire's in there about to
have sex with our daughter.
461
00:18:49,454 --> 00:18:50,671
That son of a bitch.
462
00:18:50,739 --> 00:18:54,041
Let's-- wait-- w-wait
a minute, do you hear that?
463
00:18:54,109 --> 00:18:55,442
I don't hear anything.
464
00:18:55,510 --> 00:18:57,545
I know.
Isn't it bliss?
465
00:18:57,612 --> 00:18:58,946
Peter, let's go!
466
00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:01,615
Mm. Thanks for
the ice cream, Glenn.
467
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:03,050
And you're right, somehow
468
00:19:03,118 --> 00:19:04,518
it does taste better
in my underpants.
469
00:19:04,586 --> 00:19:06,287
Yeah, it's like being
at the beach, huh?
470
00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:08,422
Now get over here while
the inside of your mouth
471
00:19:08,490 --> 00:19:09,990
is still freezing cold.
472
00:19:11,626 --> 00:19:13,994
There you are,
you son of a bitch!
473
00:19:15,964 --> 00:19:17,882
You get away from
my daughter, you pervert!
474
00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:19,283
Meg, get in the car,
we're going home.
475
00:19:19,351 --> 00:19:20,901
I'm not going home!
476
00:19:20,969 --> 00:19:23,453
I'm 18, and you can't tell
me what to do anymore.
477
00:19:23,505 --> 00:19:25,256
Meg, I'm only going
to say this once.
478
00:19:25,323 --> 00:19:27,424
You may be an adult,
but you're still my daughter,
479
00:19:27,492 --> 00:19:29,560
and it's my job to protect
you from errant wieners.
480
00:19:29,628 --> 00:19:31,262
So, I don't care
how old you are,
481
00:19:31,329 --> 00:19:33,797
you're going to do what I say
and get in the damn car!
482
00:19:33,865 --> 00:19:35,833
Yes, Daddy.
483
00:19:39,771 --> 00:19:43,190
If you ever touch
my daughter again,
484
00:19:43,258 --> 00:19:45,452
I will cut your thing off
and feed it to Brian.
485
00:19:45,477 --> 00:19:46,677
Okay.
486
00:19:46,795 --> 00:19:49,029
And Peter and I get this cabin
for one weekend a month.
487
00:19:49,097 --> 00:19:49,997
Do you understand me?
488
00:19:50,065 --> 00:19:51,232
Yes, ma'am.
489
00:19:51,299 --> 00:19:53,450
Peter, I got us the cabin.
Yay.
490
00:19:53,518 --> 00:19:55,452
I don't want to see your
face knocking on our door
491
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,254
for at least a month.
492
00:19:57,322 --> 00:20:00,357
Would you sign the
guest book on your way out?
493
00:20:00,425 --> 00:20:03,110
Lois... Griffin.
494
00:20:03,178 --> 00:20:05,496
Peter... Griffin.
495
00:20:05,564 --> 00:20:08,432
We... heard... a loon.
496
00:20:11,870 --> 00:20:14,872
You know, Mom and Dad, I'm
really glad that you kept me
497
00:20:14,940 --> 00:20:16,540
from doing what
I was going to do.
498
00:20:16,608 --> 00:20:18,375
Well, that's what
parents are for, Meg.
499
00:20:18,443 --> 00:20:20,077
No matter what age you are.
500
00:20:20,145 --> 00:20:23,013
We love you and we just
never want to see you hurt.
501
00:20:23,081 --> 00:20:25,082
I only wish I'd seen
what was going on
502
00:20:25,150 --> 00:20:26,584
from the start,
like your father did.
503
00:20:26,651 --> 00:20:28,903
Well, I know the signs...
504
00:20:28,987 --> 00:20:31,021
because the same thing
happened to me.
505
00:20:31,072 --> 00:20:31,872
An older neighbor.
506
00:20:31,957 --> 00:20:34,024
Her name was Elaine.
507
00:20:34,075 --> 00:20:37,194
I was 18 and my body was firm
from push-ups and sit-ups.
508
00:20:37,245 --> 00:20:39,330
I was stunning.
509
00:20:39,397 --> 00:20:40,664
But while my body was mature,
510
00:20:40,732 --> 00:20:42,866
I had the mind of a 12-year-old.
511
00:20:42,934 --> 00:20:46,036
Elaine invited me over
with the promise of pie.
512
00:20:46,104 --> 00:20:47,771
Little did I know
this would lead
513
00:20:47,839 --> 00:20:50,841
to an eight-year-long
psychosexual entanglement.
514
00:20:50,909 --> 00:20:52,643
She's probably dead now.
515
00:20:52,711 --> 00:20:55,012
Life's funny sometimes.
516
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:56,897
And... scene.
517
00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:34,915
== sync, corrected by elderman ==