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00:00:01,660 --> 00:00:04,929
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,057 --> 00:00:08,359
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,411 --> 00:00:11,830
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,881 --> 00:00:14,800
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:26,738 --> 00:00:30,238
♪ Family Guy 10x09 ♪
Grumpy Old Man
Original Air Date on December 11, 2011
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00:00:30,263 --> 00:00:33,763
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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00:00:35,432 --> 00:00:36,533
Good morning.
I'm Tom Tucker.
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00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,868
Coming up, we talk
to a man on the street
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while a man further back
on the street flips you off.
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00:00:41,572 --> 00:00:44,073
But first, Quahog was hit by
a major blizzard last night.
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00:00:44,141 --> 00:00:45,708
Here with more details
on the snowstorm
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00:00:45,776 --> 00:00:47,477
is Asian correspondent
Tricia Nakahoma.
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00:00:47,545 --> 00:00:49,479
That's wrong.
That's wrong.
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00:00:49,547 --> 00:00:51,447
You're not doing
good so far.
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00:00:51,515 --> 00:00:54,851
I'm standing here surrounded
by snowdrifts, stalled cars,
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00:00:54,919 --> 00:00:56,819
and the one douchebag
who wears a tank top
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00:00:56,887 --> 00:00:58,755
every time there's a blizzard.
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00:00:58,822 --> 00:01:00,156
Yeah, this is nothin'.
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00:01:00,224 --> 00:01:02,325
Guy at work drank a
quart of motor oil once
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00:01:02,393 --> 00:01:03,760
and didn't even
die from it.
26
00:01:03,827 --> 00:01:05,578
Put that on the
news, but you won't.
27
00:01:08,682 --> 00:01:10,016
Hey, guys, check it out.
28
00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:11,901
I peed my name in the snow.
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00:01:14,138 --> 00:01:15,755
- Geez, Joe.
- That's normal.
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00:01:15,823 --> 00:01:17,857
Wow, looks like the whole
neighborhood's out here.
31
00:01:17,942 --> 00:01:19,359
Yeah, I just hope
that weird albino
32
00:01:19,426 --> 00:01:20,793
up the street doesn't show up.
33
00:01:20,861 --> 00:01:22,095
That guy creeps me out.
34
00:01:22,162 --> 00:01:23,563
- Hello, Peter.
- Dah! Dah!
35
00:01:23,631 --> 00:01:25,381
H-Hey. Hey, Bill.
36
00:01:25,449 --> 00:01:27,467
What are you doing out
here in all this snow?
37
00:01:27,534 --> 00:01:29,335
Just taking my rabbit
to the vet.
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00:01:31,622 --> 00:01:34,257
Well, I'm all done shoveling
your walk, Mr. Herbert.
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00:01:34,325 --> 00:01:37,877
Thanks, Chris, but
there's some in here, too.
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00:01:37,962 --> 00:01:40,196
Hey, check
it out-- lemon snow.
41
00:01:40,264 --> 00:01:41,881
- What?
- Yeah, that stuff's delicious.
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00:01:41,949 --> 00:01:44,751
Lemon snow? You mean it just
falls from the sky like that?
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00:01:44,818 --> 00:01:46,252
You bet. One of nature's treats.
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00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,154
- You gonna have some?
- Nah, I'm already full.
45
00:01:48,222 --> 00:01:51,024
But you should have some before
the other kids get to it.
46
00:01:51,091 --> 00:01:52,392
What is it?
Like Italian ice?
47
00:01:52,459 --> 00:01:54,260
Yeah, exactly,
like a sorbet.
48
00:01:55,796 --> 00:01:57,130
Ugh! That's not lemon!
49
00:01:57,197 --> 00:01:58,798
- No, it's not.
- You bastard!
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00:01:58,866 --> 00:02:01,901
I was having fun playing in the
snow, and now you've ruined it,
51
00:02:01,969 --> 00:02:03,603
like a pizza place
ruins a salad.
52
00:02:03,671 --> 00:02:05,138
Okay, four pizzas
and a salad.
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00:02:05,205 --> 00:02:06,789
Salad? How do
you make a salad?
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00:02:06,857 --> 00:02:09,025
First, you throw in
the whole head of lettuce.
55
00:02:09,093 --> 00:02:10,877
Even the hard-to-eat
white part at the bottom?
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00:02:10,944 --> 00:02:12,779
That's what the people want!
Now, what else?
57
00:02:12,846 --> 00:02:14,564
I got a can of
whole black olives.
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00:02:14,632 --> 00:02:15,815
Should I slice them up?
59
00:02:15,883 --> 00:02:17,917
What are you, crazy?
No, you keep 'em whole.
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00:02:18,002 --> 00:02:20,603
You're gonna want to know you've
got an olive in your mouth.
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00:02:20,671 --> 00:02:22,405
What about this tomato?
Cut it into thirds.
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00:02:22,473 --> 00:02:25,008
It should be big enough
to pretend you've got red teeth.
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00:02:25,075 --> 00:02:27,010
How about this carrot?
Should I cut it up?
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00:02:27,061 --> 00:02:28,394
Yes, but very thin lengthwise.
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00:02:28,479 --> 00:02:29,846
The whole length
of the carrot.
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00:02:29,913 --> 00:02:32,098
One thin slice.
Okay, what else do we got?
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00:02:32,182 --> 00:02:34,767
Well, we got these hot peppers,
but you can't really eat them.
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00:02:34,835 --> 00:02:36,319
No problem. Dump 'em all in.
69
00:02:36,386 --> 00:02:38,104
Now, should we
put it in a bowl?
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00:02:38,172 --> 00:02:39,939
No, let's put it
in a lasagna tray.
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00:02:40,007 --> 00:02:41,341
Okay, great, I'll take it.
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00:02:41,408 --> 00:02:43,710
Oh, and make sure to stick it
right on top of the pizzas
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so it stays nice and warm.
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00:02:46,563 --> 00:02:47,964
Hello, every pizza place.
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00:02:51,268 --> 00:02:53,503
All right, Stewie, you
all set to spend the day
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00:02:53,570 --> 00:02:54,787
with Grandma and Grandpa?
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00:02:54,855 --> 00:02:56,506
Ugh, I hate being around
old people.
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00:02:56,573 --> 00:02:59,075
They've always got weird stuff
in their refrigerator.
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00:02:59,126 --> 00:03:00,977
Ah, I'm hungry.
What do we got?
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00:03:01,045 --> 00:03:03,946
Let's see. Eye drops,
baking soda and some film.
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00:03:04,014 --> 00:03:05,481
Close the door.
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00:03:05,549 --> 00:03:07,917
You're running up
long distance charges!
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00:03:09,953 --> 00:03:11,738
Ah, sorry.
Thought I had more time.
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00:03:11,805 --> 00:03:13,373
Hi, Daddy.
Stewie's all ready.
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00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:14,741
You boys have fun.
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00:03:14,808 --> 00:03:16,476
There's my little guy.
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00:03:16,543 --> 00:03:19,145
♪ Well, Grandpa's here. ♪
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00:03:19,213 --> 00:03:20,847
Oh, God, it's
the song again.
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00:03:20,914 --> 00:03:22,198
♪ Yes, Grandpa's here! ♪
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00:03:22,266 --> 00:03:24,083
It doesn't even
rhyme at all.
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00:03:24,151 --> 00:03:27,553
♪ He's going to buy you a soda
and drive you around. ♪
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00:03:27,621 --> 00:03:28,988
Let's go.
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00:03:33,877 --> 00:03:37,163
Hey, just so you know, we're not
listening to a radio station.
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00:03:37,247 --> 00:03:40,083
We're listening to the hiss
between two radio stations.
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00:03:41,802 --> 00:03:43,669
Whoa. Watch your driving!
96
00:03:45,472 --> 00:03:47,456
Is he... Is he sleeping?
97
00:03:47,508 --> 00:03:49,759
Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up!
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00:03:49,810 --> 00:03:51,177
You, lady, wake him up!
99
00:03:51,261 --> 00:03:53,479
You like the Tom and Jerry,
do you, dear?
100
00:03:53,564 --> 00:03:55,798
Well, we'll dial them up
when we get home.
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00:03:55,849 --> 00:03:58,017
What the hell are you talking
about?! We're about to...
102
00:04:01,238 --> 00:04:02,405
What happened?
103
00:04:02,473 --> 00:04:04,207
Where are my
knitting needles?
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00:04:06,677 --> 00:04:09,145
Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry.
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00:04:09,213 --> 00:04:11,313
No worries.
Now I can work at Hot Topic
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00:04:11,365 --> 00:04:13,616
and make people sick
as I ring up their purchases.
107
00:04:21,725 --> 00:04:24,010
Oh, damn it.
108
00:04:24,094 --> 00:04:25,478
Dude, bad news.
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00:04:25,546 --> 00:04:26,746
You're dead.
110
00:04:26,814 --> 00:04:28,564
What? But I'm Death!
111
00:04:28,632 --> 00:04:30,166
Sorry, dude.
Super Death.
112
00:04:30,234 --> 00:04:31,500
You're done.
113
00:04:31,552 --> 00:04:33,269
So what now?
I go to Heaven?
114
00:04:33,337 --> 00:04:35,571
Nope, when a Death dies,
he gets reincarnated.
115
00:04:35,639 --> 00:04:39,642
You're being reincarnated as
a Chinese baby right... now!
116
00:04:42,179 --> 00:04:43,913
- Girl?
- Girl.
117
00:04:45,082 --> 00:04:46,582
Oh, no!
118
00:04:46,650 --> 00:04:49,118
The egg that I was supposed
to take care of
119
00:04:49,186 --> 00:04:50,686
for my high school project!
120
00:04:50,754 --> 00:04:52,188
Mr. Burke was right.
121
00:04:52,256 --> 00:04:54,290
I'm not ready to be a parent.
122
00:04:54,358 --> 00:04:55,541
Wait a minute.
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00:04:55,609 --> 00:04:57,210
I'm not in high school anymore.
124
00:04:57,277 --> 00:04:59,579
Maybe this is all a dream.
125
00:04:59,646 --> 00:05:01,747
Aah! It was a dream!
126
00:05:01,815 --> 00:05:03,716
I need a glass of water.
127
00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:05,318
Wait a minute.
128
00:05:05,385 --> 00:05:07,587
I moved out of the desert
years ago.
129
00:05:07,654 --> 00:05:09,489
Maybe this is a dream!
130
00:05:09,556 --> 00:05:11,324
Aah!
131
00:05:11,391 --> 00:05:12,892
Phew.
132
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,428
I am ready
to be a parent, Mr. Burke.
133
00:05:19,433 --> 00:05:21,501
Daddy, I'm so happy
you're all right.
134
00:05:21,568 --> 00:05:23,369
We're lucky
it wasn't more serious.
135
00:05:23,437 --> 00:05:25,521
Hey, how's
the old guy doing?
136
00:05:25,572 --> 00:05:26,856
Ugh, now here's Joe.
137
00:05:26,924 --> 00:05:28,991
Why is everybody
we know depressing?
138
00:05:29,059 --> 00:05:31,761
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.
139
00:05:31,829 --> 00:05:33,830
I'm gonna have to revoke
your driver's license.
140
00:05:33,897 --> 00:05:35,231
What?!
141
00:05:35,299 --> 00:05:37,533
It's obvious your advanced age
has impaired your ability
142
00:05:37,601 --> 00:05:39,068
to drive safely.
143
00:05:39,136 --> 00:05:41,070
Please, Joe, I know he had
an accident,
144
00:05:41,138 --> 00:05:42,738
but can't you look the
other way
145
00:05:42,806 --> 00:05:44,407
this one time
as a friend?
146
00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:46,442
Yeah, you know, Joe,
you owe this family.
147
00:05:46,510 --> 00:05:49,478
I didn't tell anyone about
your Fiona Apple tribute video.
148
00:05:50,931 --> 00:05:54,767
♪ I've been a bad, bad girl ♪
149
00:05:56,537 --> 00:06:01,691
♪ I've been careless
with a delicate man ♪
150
00:06:01,758 --> 00:06:05,427
♪ And it's a sad, sad world ♪
151
00:06:07,064 --> 00:06:10,816
♪ When a girl will break a boy,
just because she can. ♪
152
00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:12,118
I'm brok.
153
00:06:12,185 --> 00:06:14,003
Joe, open the garage.
154
00:06:14,071 --> 00:06:16,539
I've earned this private time!
155
00:06:16,607 --> 00:06:18,274
Listen, I don't
have time for this.
156
00:06:18,325 --> 00:06:20,526
I'm late for a hostile
takeover of a jelly factory.
157
00:06:20,594 --> 00:06:22,361
I'll show those Smuckers.
158
00:06:22,429 --> 00:06:24,664
That's fine,
but you can't drive.
159
00:06:24,731 --> 00:06:26,098
Oh, don't be
ridiculous!
160
00:06:26,166 --> 00:06:27,750
Driver Pete at
your service, sir.
161
00:06:27,818 --> 00:06:29,485
- Peter, we're not doing that.
- Aw.
162
00:06:29,553 --> 00:06:31,554
Carter, you work
too much as it is.
163
00:06:31,621 --> 00:06:33,372
You're not a young
man anymore.
164
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,041
You need to slow down.
165
00:06:35,108 --> 00:06:36,776
Slow down?! I
can't slow down.
166
00:06:36,843 --> 00:06:38,444
I'm running a six-billion-
dollar company.
167
00:06:38,512 --> 00:06:40,730
If I slow down, the
company goes under.
168
00:06:40,797 --> 00:06:42,465
It just seems
to me that perhaps
169
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:45,201
it's time to think
about retirement.
170
00:06:45,269 --> 00:06:47,103
Never! Retirement's
for old people.
171
00:06:47,170 --> 00:06:48,738
I can work till I die.
172
00:06:48,805 --> 00:06:50,122
Maybe even after that.
173
00:06:50,190 --> 00:06:51,624
Mr. Pewterschmidt, the
gentlemen from Zurich
174
00:06:51,692 --> 00:06:53,492
are here for your 10:00.
175
00:06:56,029 --> 00:06:58,164
Will you need
anything else?
176
00:06:58,231 --> 00:07:00,249
Mr. Pewterschmidt!
177
00:07:00,317 --> 00:07:02,485
But, dear, we are old.
178
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:05,004
We can't keep pretending
that nothing's changed.
179
00:07:05,072 --> 00:07:07,640
I mean, we almost injured
our grandchild today.
180
00:07:07,708 --> 00:07:09,475
Besides, you're always
complaining
181
00:07:09,543 --> 00:07:11,911
that you don't have
enough time to play polo
182
00:07:11,979 --> 00:07:14,680
or sit in a chair
and moisten your mouth.
183
00:07:14,748 --> 00:07:16,215
That is true.
184
00:07:16,283 --> 00:07:18,935
It does sometimes take me
a while to moisten my mouth.
185
00:07:25,759 --> 00:07:27,810
There we go, all moist.
186
00:07:27,878 --> 00:07:29,245
You see, dear?
187
00:07:29,313 --> 00:07:30,579
And that's only
the beginning.
188
00:07:30,647 --> 00:07:32,865
Retirement will be
a wonderful adventure,
189
00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:34,200
and we'll do it together.
190
00:07:34,267 --> 00:07:35,501
You're gonna retire?
191
00:07:35,569 --> 00:07:36,669
From what?
192
00:07:36,737 --> 00:07:38,471
There, isn't it fun already?
193
00:07:39,873 --> 00:07:42,508
Okay. I'll retire.
194
00:07:42,576 --> 00:07:45,144
Oh, Daddy, I think
that's for the best.
195
00:07:45,212 --> 00:07:47,580
I need a doctor!
Is there a doctor?!
196
00:07:54,325 --> 00:07:56,860
We now return to
The Superfriends' Accountant.
197
00:07:56,928 --> 00:07:58,629
Look, you guys
are hemorrhaging money.
198
00:07:58,696 --> 00:08:00,831
This Hall of Justice is sitting
on five acres
199
00:08:00,899 --> 00:08:01,865
of commercial real estate.
200
00:08:01,933 --> 00:08:03,100
How do you afford this?
201
00:08:03,167 --> 00:08:04,401
We're the Superfriends.
202
00:08:04,469 --> 00:08:06,270
Yeah, but you guys
have no income.
203
00:08:06,337 --> 00:08:08,605
You owe four million dollars
in back property taxes.
204
00:08:08,673 --> 00:08:10,507
We fight evil
wherever we find it.
205
00:08:10,592 --> 00:08:12,092
Well, that's not
gonna be enough.
206
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:13,794
Look, you may
need to reach out
207
00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:15,946
to some wealthy benefactors
for financial backing.
208
00:08:16,014 --> 00:08:17,881
Do any of you know
billionaire Bruce Wayne?
209
00:08:17,949 --> 00:08:19,383
No. None of us do.
210
00:08:19,450 --> 00:08:21,919
And he wouldn't want to lend
us money anyway... I hear.
211
00:08:21,986 --> 00:08:23,453
Hey, hey, hey!
212
00:08:23,521 --> 00:08:26,156
What's up, Ginas...
'g-'ginas... vaginas?
213
00:08:26,224 --> 00:08:27,057
What's up,
vaginas?!
214
00:08:27,125 --> 00:08:28,292
Ah-ha, gotcha!
215
00:08:28,359 --> 00:08:29,977
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
what are you doing here?
216
00:08:30,044 --> 00:08:32,813
I'm retired now. Got
a lot of free time.
217
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,531
So what do you guys
do here?
218
00:08:34,616 --> 00:08:37,034
Well, we usually just sit here
and complain about our lives.
219
00:08:37,101 --> 00:08:39,536
Like this morning, Lois was such
a pain in the ass...
220
00:08:39,604 --> 00:08:41,705
Hey! That's my daughter
you're talking about!
221
00:08:41,773 --> 00:08:44,574
Oh. I mean this, um,
redheaded lady
222
00:08:44,642 --> 00:08:48,178
who lives in my bed was a real
pain in the ass this morning.
223
00:08:48,246 --> 00:08:49,746
Oh, she sounds like a bitch.
224
00:08:49,814 --> 00:08:50,914
Yeah, what a bitch.
225
00:08:50,982 --> 00:08:52,115
Bitchazoid, right, guys?
226
00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:53,684
Yeah. I hope you're doing her.
227
00:08:53,751 --> 00:08:54,584
Oh, big time.
228
00:08:54,652 --> 00:08:56,119
Yeah, that's hot.
229
00:08:56,187 --> 00:08:57,788
That's hot. I'm gonna think
about that tonight.
230
00:08:57,855 --> 00:08:59,840
Oh, we do all kinds
of crazy stuff.
231
00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:01,642
Sometimes
we even have phone sax.
232
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:02,976
Don't you mean
phone sex?
233
00:09:03,044 --> 00:09:04,544
No, Joe.
Phone sax.
234
00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:05,912
Are you ready?
235
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,748
You better believe it.
236
00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,666
(playing "Baker Street")
237
00:09:15,740 --> 00:09:17,424
Oh, Peter!
238
00:09:17,492 --> 00:09:19,593
Yeah. Now your turn.
239
00:09:19,661 --> 00:09:21,395
And do it how I like.
240
00:09:21,462 --> 00:09:23,680
Okay.
241
00:09:23,748 --> 00:09:25,615
(playing intro to
"You Can Call Me Al")
242
00:09:30,905 --> 00:09:33,840
Yeah. Don't wash
the mouthpiece.
243
00:09:37,211 --> 00:09:38,712
Good news, guys.
244
00:09:38,780 --> 00:09:40,180
Now that Grandpa's retired,
245
00:09:40,248 --> 00:09:42,316
he's gonna have more time
to spend with us.
246
00:09:42,383 --> 00:09:43,350
Oh!
247
00:09:43,418 --> 00:09:44,918
We don't want to do that, Mom.
248
00:09:44,986 --> 00:09:47,004
Yeah, all he ever does is
ask you what you want to do
249
00:09:47,071 --> 00:09:49,239
so he can shoot it down and
tell you what he wants to do.
250
00:09:49,307 --> 00:09:50,407
Hey, there's
my family!
251
00:09:50,475 --> 00:09:52,642
So, what do you guys
want to do today?
252
00:09:52,710 --> 00:09:54,411
I'd like to go
to the mall, Grandpa.
253
00:09:54,479 --> 00:09:55,645
No parking at the mall.
254
00:09:55,713 --> 00:09:57,114
It's a terrible place.
What else?
255
00:09:57,181 --> 00:09:58,215
Um, how about
the zoo?
256
00:09:58,282 --> 00:09:59,616
Too much walking.
Too much noise.
257
00:09:59,701 --> 00:10:01,018
You can't have
any good conversation.
258
00:10:01,085 --> 00:10:02,252
Not like at Chili's.
Where else?
259
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,587
Well, there's always the beach.
260
00:10:03,654 --> 00:10:05,789
No, you got to sit
on the ground to eat.
261
00:10:05,857 --> 00:10:08,191
I need a cushioned chair with
back support like at Chili's.
262
00:10:08,259 --> 00:10:10,577
Okay, well...
how about Chili's?
263
00:10:10,645 --> 00:10:12,062
Maybe, maybe.
264
00:10:12,130 --> 00:10:13,630
Let's get in the car
and see where it takes us.
265
00:10:17,235 --> 00:10:18,602
Hey, Carter.
266
00:10:18,669 --> 00:10:19,936
Hello, Quandary.
267
00:10:20,004 --> 00:10:21,104
It's, uh...
It's Quagmire.
268
00:10:21,172 --> 00:10:22,472
You looking for Peter?
269
00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:23,907
No, he's at work. Lame.
270
00:10:23,975 --> 00:10:25,425
Oh. Well, what
do you want?
271
00:10:25,493 --> 00:10:27,294
I hear you're kind of
a cool guy.
272
00:10:27,362 --> 00:10:28,779
Thought maybe
we could hang out.
273
00:10:28,846 --> 00:10:30,180
Uh... okay.
274
00:10:30,248 --> 00:10:32,015
Okay! Carter and Quandary,
hanging out.
275
00:10:32,083 --> 00:10:35,385
All right, I just got to go take
a misty, stop-and-go piss
276
00:10:35,453 --> 00:10:37,621
in your bathroom,
then we'll be good to go.
277
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,742
Lois, how the hell much
longer is your dad gonna
278
00:10:44,767 --> 00:10:45,967
be hanging around here?
279
00:10:46,130 --> 00:10:48,348
- He's starting to drive me crazy.
- I know, Peter,
280
00:10:48,416 --> 00:10:50,834
but he's my father and I
don't know what else to do.
281
00:10:50,902 --> 00:10:52,936
Well, I don't know how
much more I can take.
282
00:10:53,004 --> 00:10:54,704
I can't even get
any sleep with him here.
283
00:10:56,641 --> 00:10:58,008
Hey.
284
00:10:58,076 --> 00:11:00,277
- Hey.
- Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha- What is it?
285
00:11:00,344 --> 00:11:02,579
I can't sleep.
I'm scared of ghosts.
286
00:11:02,647 --> 00:11:04,698
Carter, there's
no such thing as ghosts.
287
00:11:04,766 --> 00:11:06,133
Are you sure?
288
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,468
Well, now I'm not.
Come on, get in here!
289
00:11:09,704 --> 00:11:10,871
It's safe under
here, right?
290
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:12,606
I think so,
but I'm not sure.
291
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:14,841
I just recently started
believing in ghosts.
292
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,579
Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy.
293
00:11:19,647 --> 00:11:22,115
Lois! What are
you two doing here?
294
00:11:22,183 --> 00:11:24,418
Well, we wanted to talk
to you about something.
295
00:11:24,485 --> 00:11:25,719
Hmm. What's that?
296
00:11:25,787 --> 00:11:27,187
Well, we were just thinking,
297
00:11:27,255 --> 00:11:30,190
now that Daddy's retired
that you and he might be happier
298
00:11:30,258 --> 00:11:33,160
in a place where you can be
with people your own age.
299
00:11:33,227 --> 00:11:35,395
You know, make some new friends.
300
00:11:35,463 --> 00:11:36,244
What are you talking about?
301
00:11:36,269 --> 00:11:38,298
Well, we actually
brought you a few brochures
302
00:11:38,299 --> 00:11:40,600
of some lovely retirement
communities in Florida.
303
00:11:40,668 --> 00:11:42,202
And I helped.
304
00:11:42,270 --> 00:11:43,303
Florida?!
305
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,439
Mm, this one's even
got the word "sunset"
306
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,307
four times in
the name of it.
307
00:11:47,375 --> 00:11:49,876
Huh. These people are
biking without helmets.
308
00:11:49,944 --> 00:11:51,812
Must be a pretty
kick-back place.
309
00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,563
These actually
look quite nice,
310
00:11:53,631 --> 00:11:56,933
and we could finally get away
from these dreadful winters.
311
00:11:57,001 --> 00:11:59,002
Yeah. We'll even help you
move in and get settled.
312
00:11:59,070 --> 00:12:01,354
Wait a minute, why would
I want to live in Florida?
313
00:12:01,405 --> 00:12:03,223
Black people's votes go
right in the garbage.
314
00:12:03,291 --> 00:12:04,674
All right!
We're moving to Florida!
315
00:12:04,742 --> 00:12:07,110
Oh, Carter,
this is wonderful!
316
00:12:07,178 --> 00:12:09,012
Aw, look at
that smile, Lois.
317
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,879
Reminds of that guy
who was way too happy he
318
00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:12,567
didn't get killed on 9/11.
319
00:12:12,717 --> 00:12:15,118
I'm ten minutes
late for work!
320
00:12:15,186 --> 00:12:17,137
Look at that!
I stayed up late
321
00:12:17,205 --> 00:12:19,673
watching Monday Night Football
and that saved my life, huh?
322
00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:20,907
Isn't that awesome?
323
00:12:20,975 --> 00:12:23,109
Oh, but oh...
324
00:12:30,852 --> 00:12:32,185
Hi there. Welcome.
325
00:12:32,253 --> 00:12:34,237
I'm Ryan, the manager
here at Oceanside,
326
00:12:34,305 --> 00:12:36,072
and I'll be showing
you around today.
327
00:12:36,140 --> 00:12:37,474
First question, though:
328
00:12:37,542 --> 00:12:39,876
are you two old enough
to be here?
329
00:12:39,944 --> 00:12:41,244
Oh, dear!
330
00:12:41,312 --> 00:12:42,946
I like you, Ryan.
331
00:12:43,014 --> 00:12:44,014
You're cool.
332
00:12:48,402 --> 00:12:51,121
Over there is our statue
of Angela Lansbury.
333
00:12:53,324 --> 00:12:56,026
Protect us, oh, Lansbury,
from rude teenagers,
334
00:12:56,093 --> 00:12:59,129
from soup that is both
too hot and too cold,
335
00:12:59,197 --> 00:13:02,432
and from anyone who calls,
but please have people call.
336
00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:06,870
Our state-of-the-art movie
theater is equipped
337
00:13:06,938 --> 00:13:09,806
with some terrific innovations
to cater to our residents,
338
00:13:09,874 --> 00:13:12,576
including a button on every seat
that will pause the film
339
00:13:12,643 --> 00:13:14,411
whenever anyone
has a question.
340
00:13:14,478 --> 00:13:15,979
Hey, guys.
341
00:13:16,047 --> 00:13:18,949
- Why is he blue now?
- Is it cold on that planet?
342
00:13:19,016 --> 00:13:20,483
Why are they mumbling?
343
00:13:20,551 --> 00:13:22,252
Why does everyone
in pictures today mumble?
344
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:23,353
I can't hear!
345
00:13:23,421 --> 00:13:24,955
♪ ♪
346
00:13:25,022 --> 00:13:26,623
Is that Sig-nory Weaver?
347
00:13:26,691 --> 00:13:28,358
That's not how you say it.
348
00:13:28,426 --> 00:13:30,160
Well, she shouldn't be smoking.
349
00:13:30,228 --> 00:13:33,029
She's a handsome woman,
and that'll ruin her fast.
350
00:13:33,097 --> 00:13:34,364
♪ ♪
351
00:13:34,432 --> 00:13:37,167
Is Unobtainium
very easy to obtain?
352
00:13:37,235 --> 00:13:38,835
Well, I hope you
enjoyed the tour.
353
00:13:38,903 --> 00:13:40,303
Oh, yeah, it was great.
354
00:13:40,371 --> 00:13:42,872
Except for that lady who
kept yelling "Byaah! Byaah!"
355
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:45,258
Well, we'll just need you
to fill out this paperwork,
356
00:13:45,326 --> 00:13:47,994
and then we'll get you
moved into your condo.
357
00:13:48,045 --> 00:13:49,930
Oh, isn't this
wonderful, dear!
358
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,915
No! No, it's not
wonderful at all!
359
00:13:51,983 --> 00:13:54,017
There's no way in hell
I'm gonna live here!
360
00:13:54,085 --> 00:13:58,238
This place is nothing but old
people marching to their deaths!
361
00:13:58,306 --> 00:14:00,490
You hear me?
I'm not one of you!
362
00:14:00,558 --> 00:14:02,492
And I never will be!
363
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:06,680
Hey, look, it's
old man Withers,
364
00:14:06,747 --> 00:14:08,531
the guy who owns
the amusement park!
365
00:14:08,599 --> 00:14:10,850
But let's see who's
really under there.
366
00:14:12,253 --> 00:14:13,420
A skeleton!
367
00:14:13,487 --> 00:14:15,522
- Can I have my face back?
- No!
368
00:14:15,590 --> 00:14:16,957
You're going to jail!
369
00:14:24,601 --> 00:14:25,902
Oh, this is dreadful.
370
00:14:25,969 --> 00:14:28,671
I thought Carter and I were
going to be so happy here.
371
00:14:28,739 --> 00:14:31,107
I'll tell you what, Babs,
let me have a talk with him.
372
00:14:32,309 --> 00:14:33,609
Hey there, buddy.
373
00:14:33,677 --> 00:14:34,877
Go away!
374
00:14:34,945 --> 00:14:37,813
You know, you remind
me of a guy I know.
375
00:14:37,881 --> 00:14:40,650
This guy worked and worked
and never wanted to retire,
376
00:14:40,717 --> 00:14:43,419
even though it would've been
the best thing for him.
377
00:14:43,487 --> 00:14:45,421
You know what that
man's name was?
378
00:14:45,489 --> 00:14:47,323
Jon Benet Ramsey.
379
00:14:48,525 --> 00:14:49,892
I-I-I think.
380
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,494
I think that's the guy.
381
00:14:51,561 --> 00:14:53,396
- What?
- You're darn right what.
382
00:14:53,463 --> 00:14:55,231
Now, let's get
back in there.
383
00:14:55,299 --> 00:14:57,900
Peter, get lost! I'm not gonna
retire, and that's that!
384
00:14:57,968 --> 00:15:00,536
Come on, Carter, everybody's
got to retire at some point.
385
00:15:00,604 --> 00:15:02,571
Like that drill sergeant
with Alzheimer's.
386
00:15:03,740 --> 00:15:05,574
Looks like we got
a joker here.
387
00:15:05,642 --> 00:15:06,909
What's your
name, soldier?
388
00:15:06,977 --> 00:15:08,377
Sir, McArdle, sir!
389
00:15:08,445 --> 00:15:09,645
Well, no!
390
00:15:09,713 --> 00:15:12,148
You look like some
kind of joker to me.
391
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:13,249
What's your
name, soldier?
392
00:15:13,317 --> 00:15:14,717
Sir, McArdle, sir!
393
00:15:14,785 --> 00:15:16,619
Are you me?
394
00:15:16,687 --> 00:15:18,254
Probably some
kind of joker.
395
00:15:18,322 --> 00:15:19,622
What's your
name, soldier?
396
00:15:19,690 --> 00:15:20,990
Sir, McArdle, sir!
397
00:15:21,058 --> 00:15:22,792
Well, la-dee da!
398
00:15:22,859 --> 00:15:25,795
I guess we got some
kind of joker here!
399
00:15:25,862 --> 00:15:27,997
Look, Carter, I'll
make a deal with you.
400
00:15:28,065 --> 00:15:30,145
You give me just one day
to show you how great retired
401
00:15:30,170 --> 00:15:31,610
life can be for an old fella,
402
00:15:32,302 --> 00:15:34,337
and I'll let you honk
the horn one time.
403
00:15:34,404 --> 00:15:36,038
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
404
00:15:37,607 --> 00:15:39,375
I'm pretending
there's traffic.
405
00:15:39,443 --> 00:15:40,776
There you go, that's...
406
00:15:40,844 --> 00:15:43,346
- Once!
- God, I wasn't even gonna do it!
407
00:15:46,233 --> 00:15:47,700
So, how do you
win this game?
408
00:15:47,768 --> 00:15:49,935
Just fill this out when they
say the letter and the numbers?
409
00:15:50,003 --> 00:15:51,103
Eh, that's a sucker's bet.
410
00:15:51,171 --> 00:15:52,855
There's only one way
to win this game--
411
00:15:52,923 --> 00:15:54,957
wait for someone else to win
and steal his card.
412
00:15:55,025 --> 00:15:56,759
G-27.
413
00:15:56,827 --> 00:15:58,227
Bingo!
414
00:15:58,295 --> 00:16:00,629
- It's go time.
- What do we do, sneak up behind him?
415
00:16:00,697 --> 00:16:02,515
No, he's got cataracts.
Follow my lead.
416
00:16:07,070 --> 00:16:08,604
Bingo, bitches!
417
00:16:10,090 --> 00:16:11,257
Bingo.
418
00:16:15,996 --> 00:16:17,496
All right, Carter,
now that you're retired,
419
00:16:17,581 --> 00:16:19,114
you're gonna need a
whole new wardrobe.
420
00:16:19,166 --> 00:16:22,418
And what better place to start
than the Slightly Open Robery?
421
00:16:22,486 --> 00:16:24,203
♪ Hey, hobo man ♪
422
00:16:24,271 --> 00:16:28,107
♪ Hey, Dapper Dan,
you've both got your style ♪
423
00:16:28,175 --> 00:16:30,142
♪ But, brother,
you're never fully dressed ♪
424
00:16:30,210 --> 00:16:32,511
♪ Without a smile... ♪
425
00:16:33,714 --> 00:16:35,681
Yes. The penis one.
426
00:16:37,317 --> 00:16:39,018
All right, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
now, you know how
427
00:16:39,086 --> 00:16:40,319
in your building
your office temperature
428
00:16:40,387 --> 00:16:41,954
was controlled
by a central air system
429
00:16:42,022 --> 00:16:44,523
that you had nothing to do with?
Yeah, I hated that.
430
00:16:44,591 --> 00:16:47,059
Well, check it out-- this room
has its very own thermostat
431
00:16:47,127 --> 00:16:48,494
that you can fiddle with.
- Really?
432
00:16:48,562 --> 00:16:50,112
I can change the
temperature in here?
433
00:16:50,163 --> 00:16:52,081
You're retired-- you
can do anything you want.
434
00:16:52,149 --> 00:16:54,316
Well, I am kind of warm.
I'll try it out.
435
00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:56,135
Oh, that's perfect.
436
00:16:56,203 --> 00:16:58,788
Now I'm cold.
Crank up the thermostat.
437
00:16:58,855 --> 00:17:00,456
Ah, wonderful.
438
00:17:00,524 --> 00:17:02,091
Hotter than
blazes in here.
439
00:17:02,159 --> 00:17:04,443
But wait-- I can
turn the heat down.
440
00:17:04,511 --> 00:17:05,711
He's learning.
441
00:17:07,514 --> 00:17:08,731
Bye, you guys.
442
00:17:08,799 --> 00:17:10,499
We'll be down
to visit real soon.
443
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:13,018
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm glad you
finally came around about this place.
444
00:17:13,086 --> 00:17:15,304
Peter, I got to admit,
it's not bad at all.
445
00:17:15,372 --> 00:17:17,173
Never thought I'd get
used to the idea
446
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,942
of giving up work and just
devoting my life to leisure.
447
00:17:20,010 --> 00:17:22,695
I guess this is what people
mean by the word "relax."
448
00:17:22,763 --> 00:17:23,896
Take care, dear.
449
00:17:23,964 --> 00:17:25,865
We'll see you soon.
Yeah, have fun.
450
00:17:25,932 --> 00:17:28,400
Just remember not to go out
into actual Florida.
451
00:17:28,468 --> 00:17:30,336
You don't want
to meet those people.
452
00:17:31,738 --> 00:17:33,739
Hi. I just moved
into the neighborhood,
453
00:17:33,807 --> 00:17:37,243
and I'm required by law to inform
you that I am a sex offender.
454
00:17:37,310 --> 00:17:39,245
Oh, don't worry
about it-- so am I.
455
00:17:39,312 --> 00:17:40,880
This whole block
is S.O.'s.
456
00:17:40,947 --> 00:17:43,949
We use the abbreviation "S.O's"
because it saves a lot of time
457
00:17:44,017 --> 00:17:46,585
over saying "Sex Offender," because
that's all we talk about.
458
00:17:46,653 --> 00:17:48,654
Well, I'm also into football.
Don't care.
459
00:17:48,722 --> 00:17:51,290
No time for F.B.
All about S.O.
460
00:17:51,358 --> 00:17:54,360
Make no mistake, Florida
is the South's trash can.
461
00:17:58,999 --> 00:18:00,800
Boy, these eggs
are delicious.
462
00:18:00,867 --> 00:18:02,134
Good job, Lois.
463
00:18:02,202 --> 00:18:03,853
Good job, local hen.
464
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,721
Aw, bucka bucka baw.
465
00:18:07,724 --> 00:18:09,258
Hello?
466
00:18:09,326 --> 00:18:10,693
Hi, Mom.
467
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:11,861
What?
468
00:18:11,928 --> 00:18:13,529
Oh, my God!
469
00:18:13,597 --> 00:18:16,699
Oh, my God, o-okay, we'll be
down there as soon as we can.
470
00:18:16,766 --> 00:18:17,950
Mom, what's wrong?
471
00:18:18,018 --> 00:18:19,385
We're going
to Florida.
472
00:18:19,452 --> 00:18:20,753
Why? What happened?
473
00:18:20,821 --> 00:18:22,955
There's something horribly wrong
with your grandpa.
474
00:18:28,912 --> 00:18:30,229
Oh, Lois!
475
00:18:30,297 --> 00:18:32,198
I'm so glad
you made it.
476
00:18:32,265 --> 00:18:34,366
He's been like this for days.
477
00:18:34,434 --> 00:18:36,068
Oh, my God!
478
00:18:37,337 --> 00:18:38,771
...cream of wheat.
479
00:18:40,106 --> 00:18:41,140
...Jeopardy.
480
00:18:42,776 --> 00:18:44,310
...butterscotch pudding.
481
00:18:44,377 --> 00:18:45,311
This is awful!
482
00:18:45,378 --> 00:18:46,779
What's happened to him?
483
00:18:46,847 --> 00:18:48,514
I don't know, dear.
484
00:18:48,582 --> 00:18:51,750
He sleeps 18 hours a day,
he refuses to bathe,
485
00:18:51,818 --> 00:18:53,853
and he's stopped
making any sense.
486
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,616
Aw, that sounds like
the sad little fat girl
487
00:18:55,641 --> 00:18:57,241
who lives in all of us
488
00:18:57,324 --> 00:18:58,624
and is struggling
to get out.
489
00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:02,161
Did my parents
call yet?
490
00:19:02,229 --> 00:19:04,096
Nobody's looking for you!
Now, stay in there!
491
00:19:04,164 --> 00:19:06,265
Sometimes she tries
to get out the other way.
492
00:19:06,333 --> 00:19:08,367
That's why I keep
a cork in my bum.
493
00:19:08,435 --> 00:19:09,869
Daddy?
494
00:19:09,936 --> 00:19:11,971
Daddy, can you hear me?
495
00:19:12,038 --> 00:19:14,373
Oh, God, we should never
have brought him here.
496
00:19:14,441 --> 00:19:15,574
You're right, dear.
497
00:19:15,642 --> 00:19:18,043
I can't stand
to see him like this.
498
00:19:18,111 --> 00:19:19,578
Well, we got
to do something.
499
00:19:19,646 --> 00:19:22,348
Don't worry, you guys, I think
I might know how to fix this.
500
00:19:22,415 --> 00:19:25,451
But first look-- I turned
him into Groucho Marx.
501
00:19:25,518 --> 00:19:27,786
That's hilarious.
502
00:19:31,124 --> 00:19:33,475
Peter, what is this
supposed to accomplish?
503
00:19:33,526 --> 00:19:35,678
Don't you see, Lois?
When we forced him to retire,
504
00:19:35,745 --> 00:19:37,580
we took all the challenge
out of his life.
505
00:19:37,647 --> 00:19:40,249
Perhaps some people aren't
meant to retire at all.
506
00:19:40,317 --> 00:19:43,535
Exactly! Now, let's see if we
can put some fire back into him.
507
00:19:43,620 --> 00:19:46,622
Margot, it's time to take this
company in a new direction--
508
00:19:46,690 --> 00:19:49,475
starting with being honest with
the IRS about our profits.
509
00:19:51,695 --> 00:19:54,129
We're also gonna stop
reading employee e-mails.
510
00:19:54,197 --> 00:19:56,565
...our servers.
511
00:19:56,633 --> 00:19:58,400
And from now on it's
against the rules
512
00:19:58,468 --> 00:20:00,586
to pat female employees
on the fanny.
513
00:20:00,654 --> 00:20:03,439
...like touching butts!
514
00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:05,507
And tell the African-American
elevator attendant
515
00:20:05,575 --> 00:20:07,376
he no longer has to
wear white gloves.
516
00:20:07,444 --> 00:20:10,529
Why don't you just tell him
he can sleep with my wife, too?!
517
00:20:10,614 --> 00:20:11,614
Daddy!
518
00:20:11,681 --> 00:20:13,065
Oh, Carter!
You're back!
519
00:20:13,133 --> 00:20:14,850
You're damn
right I am!
520
00:20:14,918 --> 00:20:16,663
Don't you ever try to
stick me in one of those
521
00:20:16,688 --> 00:20:18,300
retirement places again!
522
00:20:18,888 --> 00:20:22,224
I plan on sitting behind this desk
until the day I die.
523
00:20:22,292 --> 00:20:24,260
Getting old is right
for some people,
524
00:20:24,327 --> 00:20:26,595
but not for me.
- I know, Daddy.
525
00:20:26,663 --> 00:20:28,714
You were right,
and we're sorry.
526
00:20:30,784 --> 00:20:32,217
Hey, Mom.
527
00:20:32,285 --> 00:20:34,653
No, Mom, you're staying
in the nursing home.
528
00:20:34,721 --> 00:20:36,722
I... I don't care.
529
00:20:36,790 --> 00:20:38,324
I-I don't care.
530
00:20:38,391 --> 00:20:41,060
M-Mom, believe me, no one
is touching you in your sleep.
531
00:20:41,127 --> 00:20:42,561
'Cause you're gross.
532
00:20:42,629 --> 00:20:44,346
And even if they are, so what,
who are you saving yourself for?
533
00:20:45,941 --> 00:20:48,656
Hey, look, I-I got to go.
I don't know if we're coming
534
00:20:48,657 --> 00:20:51,141
to Thanksgiving.
Because I don't know!
535
00:20:51,854 --> 00:20:54,055
- She's staying in there.
- I know.
536
00:20:54,106 --> 00:20:58,106
== sync, corrected by elderman ==