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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Hi, I'm Peter Griffin,
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00:00:32,814 --> 00:00:35,314
and I'm here at
The Museum of Television & Radio
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to commemorate Family Guy
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becoming the longest-running
show in television history.
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For 60 years, Sunday has meant
God, football and Family Guy.
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00:00:45,660 --> 00:00:48,327
And later, to a lesser degree,
The Simpsons.
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00:00:48,363 --> 00:00:51,230
Premiering in 1952 as a recurring sketch
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00:00:51,266 --> 00:00:53,633
in the popular Dow Chemical Follies,
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00:00:53,668 --> 00:00:56,469
Family Guy has survived
19 cancellations,
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00:00:56,504 --> 00:00:58,104
two assassination attempts,
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00:00:58,139 --> 00:01:00,740
and a pretty good ribbing
by those South Park guys.
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Well, tonight we take
a look back at classic episodes
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00:01:03,478 --> 00:01:05,511
from our first three decades.
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Uhp, here come some tourists.
25
00:01:07,215 --> 00:01:10,983
I know, I'll sit here
and pretend I'm a wax figure.
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00:01:11,019 --> 00:01:12,618
Who is that?
27
00:01:12,654 --> 00:01:15,054
That's the fat idiot from
The Family Guy.
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- Ugh. I hate that show.
- Me, too.
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- (BELL RINGS)
- ANNOUNCER: Raleigh Kids Cigarettes
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is happy to bring you Family Guy,
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the story of an American family
named the Griffins.
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- This is Peter,
- (LIGHT ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:01:34,142 --> 00:01:36,042
breadwinner and head of household.
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00:01:36,077 --> 00:01:38,578
Lois is the name of his wife.
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These are their children.
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This is Chris, the firstborn son.
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This is little Stewie.
Oh, boy, he's a handful.
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00:01:46,621 --> 00:01:48,087
Meg.
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And introducing Doodles Weaver
as Brian the Dog.
40
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We don't trust just any
cigarette for our children.
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Raleigh Kids is the only
cigarette made for tiny hands.
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It's why it's the playground
favorite. Right, kids?
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00:02:02,270 --> 00:02:04,904
(LAUGHING)
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00:02:04,939 --> 00:02:06,339
ANNOUNCER: And now, Raleigh Kids,
45
00:02:06,374 --> 00:02:08,508
also the makers of Kinder Coffee,
46
00:02:08,543 --> 00:02:11,244
invites you to watch Family Guy.
47
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,781
Dad, I overheard the fellas talking.
48
00:02:15,817 --> 00:02:17,817
Can I ask you a question about girls?
49
00:02:17,852 --> 00:02:19,785
Of course, son. You're a young man now.
50
00:02:19,821 --> 00:02:21,254
It's natural to be curious.
51
00:02:21,289 --> 00:02:22,655
Thanks, Pop.
52
00:02:22,690 --> 00:02:24,624
What's "knuckle-dunk"?
53
00:02:24,659 --> 00:02:26,225
- (SIREN BLARES)
- Uhp, atomic test.
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Put on your glasses.
55
00:02:27,795 --> 00:02:29,562
Never mind what your friends said.
56
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If you want to have fun
with your girl, try dancing.
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It's fun and good for your health.
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(EXPLOSION)
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(CHUCKLES) Swell, that's helpful.
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00:02:37,972 --> 00:02:39,839
So, what's going on if a guy says
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a girl "has a red scare
in her Harry Truman"?
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- Fence.
- (WIND GUSTING)
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Oh, look, here comes the milkman.
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So convenient.
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TOM TUCKER: Good evening, everyone.
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I'm Tom Tucker,
and this is the Radio 5 news.
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Our top story this evening,
songsmith Elvis Presley
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00:03:04,999 --> 00:03:07,633
will be appearing on The Ed
Sullivan Show this Sunday night
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on that never-gonna-last fad
called television.
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And now a word from our sponsor:
Fred Trump Apartments.
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If you don't want to live
with blacks, Fred Trump.
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Wow, Elvis Presley!
Can we get a television set?
73
00:03:21,216 --> 00:03:22,915
Sorry, Chris, we don't got the money.
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I spent our entire savings
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building that stupid fallout
shelter we never get to use.
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(EXPLOSION)
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Why don't you just buy a TV
for the weekend,
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- watch Elvis,
- (MAN SCREAMING OUTSIDE)
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and then return it on Monday
and say it doesn't work?
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00:03:33,661 --> 00:03:35,628
Boy, even in the '50s, you're a scumbag.
81
00:03:35,663 --> 00:03:38,264
- That's a great idea, boy!
- Hang on.
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Why don't I just get a job
to help pay for it?
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What? No wife of mine is working.
84
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There's underpants in this house
that need starching.
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I don't want to go to work
in soft underpants
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like some Nancy boy;
I want to go to work like this.
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Stiff as a plate. That's underpants.
88
00:04:01,356 --> 00:04:04,423
We got some time before Elvis.
Can we see what else is on?
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- Sure thing.
- (TV STATIC HISSES)
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ANNOUNCER:
We now return to 1950s sci-fi,
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which is always a man in a
silver suit battling a monster.
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00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:14,533
Leave us humans alone.
93
00:04:14,569 --> 00:04:18,271
It's 1994,
and the moon belongs to Earth.
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00:04:18,306 --> 00:04:21,474
(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING)
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Rawr.
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00:04:27,248 --> 00:04:29,949
(WARBLING SOUND EFFECTS)
97
00:04:29,984 --> 00:04:31,884
It's safe now.
98
00:04:31,919 --> 00:04:34,587
How's the soil, Professor Knockers?
99
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:35,788
It's good.
100
00:04:35,823 --> 00:04:39,025
Good. Good.
101
00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:42,795
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
previously of Radio 5 news.
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00:04:42,830 --> 00:04:44,897
Tonight, I bring you a special report.
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00:04:44,932 --> 00:04:47,933
Women in the workplace:
Hilarious or disturbing?
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00:04:47,969 --> 00:04:49,969
♪ ♪
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00:04:52,006 --> 00:04:55,341
(STILTED): I am a 1950s man
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speaking in a stilted manner,
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seemingly with
no self-awareness whatsoever.
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(LOUDLY): I am shouting for some reason
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00:05:05,219 --> 00:05:10,189
and will now suddenly be
replaced by crude graphics.
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- (FILM PROJECTOR RATTLING)
- (DESCENDING WHISTLE)
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00:05:12,994 --> 00:05:14,860
(EXPLOSION)
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(STILTED): This factory
has been beset by women.
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Is your factory next?
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00:05:21,235 --> 00:05:23,202
(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING)
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Lois, that's you! You took a job?
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Sorry, Peter. I wanted to tell you,
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but you were so dead set against it.
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Damn right I'm against it!
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If God wanted women in the workplace,
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00:05:35,583 --> 00:05:37,116
he'd have made them alcoholics.
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Now, you're quitting that job tomorrow.
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- No, I'm not.
- Quiet. Elvis is on.
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ED SULLIVAN: Ladies and
gentlemen, Elvis Presley.
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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00:05:46,961 --> 00:05:49,929
- Huh?
- What?! Elvis Presley is white?
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00:05:49,964 --> 00:05:51,597
Cleveland, did you know about this?
127
00:05:51,632 --> 00:05:54,567
Come on, Donna, let's pick up
some gizzards and fried skins
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00:05:54,602 --> 00:05:56,502
and head on down to the juke joint.
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00:05:56,537 --> 00:05:58,804
Tonight it's gonna be jumpin'!
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(LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
131
00:06:00,608 --> 00:06:03,743
PETER: And it was jumpin'.
It really was.
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00:06:03,778 --> 00:06:05,578
But I was banished to the sidewalk
133
00:06:05,613 --> 00:06:09,448
because I called one of
the band guys a bad name.
134
00:06:09,484 --> 00:06:11,951
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
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00:06:11,986 --> 00:06:15,321
I thought you were bringing the TV back.
136
00:06:15,356 --> 00:06:17,623
I changed my mind. This TV is awesome!
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00:06:17,658 --> 00:06:19,291
I've been watching it all day.
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00:06:19,327 --> 00:06:21,727
You can keep your job
so we can afford this thing.
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00:06:21,763 --> 00:06:25,030
- Oh, that's great news, Peter.
- You know, Lois, I had an idea.
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Instead of eating
in another room and talking,
141
00:06:27,902 --> 00:06:31,203
what if we bring the food
out here and never talk again?
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00:06:31,239 --> 00:06:34,306
- That's a great idea.
- Shh.
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00:06:38,646 --> 00:06:41,280
ANNOUNCER: Are you looking for
the perfect breakfast meal?
144
00:06:41,315 --> 00:06:44,250
Try Post Raisin Bran, made with raisins,
145
00:06:44,285 --> 00:06:46,619
which are grapes
that have been dried in the sun
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00:06:46,654 --> 00:06:48,587
for a long period of time;
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00:06:48,623 --> 00:06:52,491
And bran, the hard outer layers
of cereal grain.
148
00:06:52,527 --> 00:06:56,796
Along with germ, it is an
integral part of whole grains.
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00:06:56,831 --> 00:06:59,432
When you eat Raisin Bran,
it fills your stomach
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00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:02,168
and keeps you from feeling
the sensation of hunger.
151
00:07:02,203 --> 00:07:04,336
"Hunger" being pangs in the belly
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00:07:04,372 --> 00:07:06,572
as a result of lack of nourishment,
153
00:07:06,607 --> 00:07:09,375
thereby sending signals
to your brain telling you,
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00:07:09,410 --> 00:07:11,143
"Hey, I'm hungry."
155
00:07:11,179 --> 00:07:13,979
And when you hear Mr. "Hey, I'm Hungry,"
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00:07:14,015 --> 00:07:17,416
be sure to have a hearty bowl
of Post Raisin Bran.
157
00:07:17,452 --> 00:07:20,419
Again, made with raisins,
which are grapes
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00:07:20,455 --> 00:07:23,422
that have been dried in the sun
for a long period of time;
159
00:07:23,458 --> 00:07:26,992
And bran, the hard outer layers
of cereal grain.
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00:07:27,028 --> 00:07:30,996
Along with germ, it is an
integral part of whole grains.
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00:07:31,032 --> 00:07:32,965
(LIGHT JINGLE PLAYING)
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00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,368
♪ Post Raisin Bran ♪
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00:07:36,404 --> 00:07:39,305
♪ Made with raisins, which are
grapes that have been dried ♪
164
00:07:39,340 --> 00:07:44,410
♪ In the sun for a long period of time ♪
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00:07:44,445 --> 00:07:46,712
♪ And bran ♪
166
00:07:46,747 --> 00:07:50,683
♪ The hard outer layers
of cereal grain ♪
167
00:07:50,718 --> 00:07:52,418
♪ Along with germ ♪
168
00:07:52,453 --> 00:07:56,856
♪ It is an integral part
of whole grains ♪
169
00:07:56,891 --> 00:08:00,693
♪ Post Raisin Bran. ♪
170
00:08:00,728 --> 00:08:02,995
Boy, these commercials go by fast.
171
00:08:03,030 --> 00:08:05,231
You can barely absorb any of it.
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00:08:05,266 --> 00:08:07,199
(SIGHS) I don't know
how you do it, Peter.
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00:08:07,235 --> 00:08:08,334
Can we get some Raisin Bran?
174
00:08:08,369 --> 00:08:10,035
Do we have any Raisin Bran in the house?
175
00:08:10,071 --> 00:08:13,706
Just working day after day, I'm
exhausted, and I miss my family.
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00:08:13,741 --> 00:08:15,307
It's made with raisins, which are grapes
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00:08:15,343 --> 00:08:18,143
that have been dried in the sun
for a long period of time.
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00:08:18,179 --> 00:08:20,346
I gave my notice,
and tomorrow's my last day.
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00:08:20,381 --> 00:08:22,681
So I guess we have to get rid of the TV.
180
00:08:22,717 --> 00:08:24,183
By the way, Chris and Raisin Bran
181
00:08:24,218 --> 00:08:26,252
are at Raisin Bran practice.
182
00:08:29,223 --> 00:08:32,424
- Peter, I got a surprise for you.
- Raisin Bran?
183
00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:33,926
A television?
184
00:08:33,961 --> 00:08:35,895
We can't afford this; You quit your job.
185
00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:38,030
This is what we were making on the line.
186
00:08:38,065 --> 00:08:41,333
The only reason I wanted to work
was to make this for you.
187
00:08:41,369 --> 00:08:44,737
Oh, Lois, you're the greatest.
188
00:08:47,241 --> 00:08:50,209
(PETER GROANS)
189
00:08:50,244 --> 00:08:54,213
I guess this is why
women shouldn't work. (LAUGHS)
190
00:08:54,248 --> 00:08:56,382
To the moon, Lois!
191
00:08:56,417 --> 00:08:58,651
"To the moon"? Wh-What does that mean?
192
00:08:58,686 --> 00:09:00,519
You know, "to-to the moon."
193
00:09:00,555 --> 00:09:02,555
Okay, you're threatening
to punch me so hard
194
00:09:02,590 --> 00:09:04,189
I'm gonna fly to the moon?
195
00:09:04,225 --> 00:09:07,326
Like-like it's funny
to hit me so violently
196
00:09:07,361 --> 00:09:10,162
my body will fly out of the atmosphere?
197
00:09:12,166 --> 00:09:14,166
Well, it's not funny anymore.
198
00:09:21,843 --> 00:09:24,711
♪ Hi, I'm Peter ♪
199
00:09:24,746 --> 00:09:26,946
♪ This is Lois ♪
200
00:09:26,981 --> 00:09:30,383
♪ My sons Stewie and Chris ♪
201
00:09:30,418 --> 00:09:33,519
♪ Our dog Brian, and the rest is this ♪
202
00:09:35,523 --> 00:09:38,791
♪ We live in Quahog, near the beach ♪
203
00:09:38,827 --> 00:09:42,361
♪ A wizard gave my baby
the power of speech ♪
204
00:09:42,397 --> 00:09:45,732
♪ No one can hear him,
but when he's away ♪
205
00:09:45,767 --> 00:09:48,935
♪ People in town can hear what he says ♪
206
00:09:50,939 --> 00:09:53,439
♪ This is Family Guy. ♪
207
00:09:53,475 --> 00:09:55,842
The dog talks, too!
208
00:09:59,914 --> 00:10:01,347
Good morning, family.
209
00:10:01,382 --> 00:10:04,117
I'll have my regular breakfast
and the newspaper, please.
210
00:10:04,152 --> 00:10:06,786
Okay, here's your highball,
a grapefruit,
211
00:10:06,821 --> 00:10:08,955
and our one weird serrated spoon.
212
00:10:08,990 --> 00:10:12,859
- And Raisin Bran?
- (SIGHS) Yes.
213
00:10:12,894 --> 00:10:15,928
But sorry, there's no newspaper.
Chris quit his paper route.
214
00:10:15,964 --> 00:10:18,564
- What?
- Aw, jobs are for bozos.
215
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,466
Besides, I won't be around to work.
216
00:10:20,502 --> 00:10:23,569
Me and my pals are going to
Woodstock to smoke dope.
217
00:10:23,605 --> 00:10:27,373
No, you are not!
Chris Griffin, you are grounded.
218
00:10:27,408 --> 00:10:28,975
Oh, I hate you!
219
00:10:29,010 --> 00:10:31,778
Now I'll never get to see Sha Na Na!
220
00:10:31,813 --> 00:10:34,981
(DOORBELL RINGS)
221
00:10:35,016 --> 00:10:38,117
Hello. I just moved in down the block.
222
00:10:38,153 --> 00:10:41,220
My name's Herbert, not Roy Mitchell.
223
00:10:41,256 --> 00:10:44,924
So, if you see news reports
about a Roy Mitchell
224
00:10:44,959 --> 00:10:49,228
from three towns over who was
accused of all sorts of nonsense
225
00:10:49,264 --> 00:10:52,832
and left in a hurry,
it's got nothing to do with me,
226
00:10:52,867 --> 00:10:55,768
because, again, I'm...
227
00:10:55,804 --> 00:10:57,570
Herbert.
228
00:11:01,209 --> 00:11:04,343
Mom, Dad, Chris is gone!
He went to Woodstock.
229
00:11:04,379 --> 00:11:06,345
Now, Meg, nobody likes a snitch.
230
00:11:06,381 --> 00:11:08,781
I'm not a snitch,
I just tell it like it is.
231
00:11:08,817 --> 00:11:10,016
Damn it, Meg!
232
00:11:10,051 --> 00:11:12,351
Excuse me, Peter,
maybe I should handle this.
233
00:11:12,387 --> 00:11:14,353
- Mr. Brady?
- You know, Meg,
234
00:11:14,389 --> 00:11:16,989
when you tattle on someone,
you're not just telling on them,
235
00:11:17,025 --> 00:11:18,591
you're telling on yourself.
236
00:11:18,626 --> 00:11:21,427
And by tattling on someone,
you're really just telling them,
237
00:11:21,462 --> 00:11:22,995
"I'm a tattletale."
238
00:11:23,031 --> 00:11:25,531
Now, is that the tale you want to tell?
239
00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:28,568
- I never thought of it that way.
- Thanks, Mr. Brady.
240
00:11:28,603 --> 00:11:30,436
That's right. Mike Brady.
241
00:11:30,471 --> 00:11:34,040
So, if you see any news reports
about an actor named Robert Reed
242
00:11:34,075 --> 00:11:37,577
from three towns over who was
accused of all sorts of nonsense
243
00:11:37,612 --> 00:11:40,479
and left in a hurry,
it's got nothing to do with me,
244
00:11:40,515 --> 00:11:43,416
because, again, I'm...
245
00:11:43,451 --> 00:11:44,917
Mike Brady.
246
00:11:44,953 --> 00:11:46,452
Chris went to Woodstock?
247
00:11:46,487 --> 00:11:48,321
I got to get there and bring him back
248
00:11:48,356 --> 00:11:49,922
before something bad happens.
249
00:12:10,411 --> 00:12:13,946
Honey, I'm taking the compact;
Save a little on gas.
250
00:12:13,982 --> 00:12:15,481
(ENGINE STARTS)
251
00:12:28,096 --> 00:12:30,429
Cars are bigger back now.
252
00:12:32,634 --> 00:12:34,634
♪ ♪
253
00:12:38,806 --> 00:12:40,773
Oh, no, my dad!
254
00:12:40,808 --> 00:12:42,375
PETER (IN DISTANCE): Chris!
255
00:12:42,410 --> 00:12:45,611
He'll be here in ten minutes.
I got to hide!
256
00:12:47,815 --> 00:12:50,950
- Chris!
- Dad, what are you doing here?
257
00:12:50,985 --> 00:12:54,086
- I'm here to bring you home.
- Well, I'm not going.
258
00:12:54,122 --> 00:12:56,489
I'm staying here and smoking dope.
259
00:12:56,524 --> 00:12:59,492
What? No son of mine
is gonna be smoking dope.
260
00:12:59,527 --> 00:13:03,562
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse
than your three martini lunch?
261
00:13:03,598 --> 00:13:05,231
What?! No son of mine
262
00:13:05,266 --> 00:13:07,199
is gonna be drinking
a three martini lunch.
263
00:13:07,235 --> 00:13:10,836
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse
than your five Scotch breakfast?
264
00:13:10,872 --> 00:13:12,538
What?! No son of mine
265
00:13:12,573 --> 00:13:14,674
is gonna be drinking
a five Scotch breakfast.
266
00:13:14,709 --> 00:13:16,609
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse than
267
00:13:16,644 --> 00:13:20,046
your "three X's drawn on
the jug" corn whiskey moonshine?
268
00:13:20,081 --> 00:13:23,616
What?! No son of mine
drink anything but rice wine.
269
00:13:23,651 --> 00:13:27,520
That's right, we trace
our early family roots to Asia.
270
00:13:27,555 --> 00:13:30,189
Listen, Chris,
your mother and I love you.
271
00:13:30,224 --> 00:13:32,858
We just want you to stay a kid
a little bit longer.
272
00:13:32,894 --> 00:13:36,462
- You understand?
- Um, y-yeah.
273
00:13:36,497 --> 00:13:38,965
I'm glad. 'Cause the thing is, Chris,
274
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,734
drugs turn you into someone you're not.
275
00:13:41,769 --> 00:13:44,904
But you know what?
We love you just how you are.
276
00:13:44,939 --> 00:13:47,840
That's why I'm so grateful I got
here before you dropped acid
277
00:13:47,875 --> 00:13:49,675
or took any kind of drugs that...
278
00:13:49,711 --> 00:13:51,911
Y-You're trippin' right now, aren't you?
279
00:13:51,946 --> 00:13:54,513
- A little.
- All right.
280
00:13:54,549 --> 00:13:56,983
Hey, why is Pete Townshend
taking pictures of you?
281
00:13:57,018 --> 00:13:59,151
He's been doing that all day long.
282
00:13:59,187 --> 00:14:00,886
PETE TOWNSHEND: It's for a book.
283
00:14:00,922 --> 00:14:02,822
I don't think it's for a book.
284
00:14:06,861 --> 00:14:10,229
Okay, I'm off to do my paper route.
285
00:14:10,264 --> 00:14:11,964
Wow, Peter, your plan worked
286
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,966
to show Chris how horrible drugs are.
287
00:14:14,002 --> 00:14:15,968
Quiet, Lois, I'm trying to watch TV.
288
00:14:16,004 --> 00:14:18,204
NEIL ARMSTRONG: That's one small step...
289
00:14:18,239 --> 00:14:20,573
ED SULLIVAN: Ladies and
gentlemen, the Beatles.
290
00:14:20,608 --> 00:14:22,475
WALTER CRONKITE: The flash now official,
291
00:14:22,510 --> 00:14:24,810
President Kennedy has been killed.
292
00:14:24,846 --> 00:14:26,312
God, there's nothing on.
293
00:14:26,347 --> 00:14:28,581
SINGERS: ♪ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ♪
294
00:14:28,616 --> 00:14:30,683
- There we go.
- ♪ A tale of a fateful trip... ♪
295
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,294
(SOMBER CLARINET MUSIC PLAYING)
296
00:15:02,619 --> 00:15:05,920
(TOY VACUUM RATTLING)
297
00:15:05,956 --> 00:15:09,391
Lois, why is my son playing
with a vacuum like a girl?
298
00:15:09,426 --> 00:15:11,192
Here, play with this discus and javelin.
299
00:15:11,228 --> 00:15:13,161
Then you can grow up like a man,
300
00:15:13,196 --> 00:15:15,430
like track and field star Bruce Jenner,
301
00:15:15,465 --> 00:15:17,432
the greatest man in the world.
302
00:15:17,467 --> 00:15:19,668
Maybe you'll even end up
on a box of Wheaties.
303
00:15:19,703 --> 00:15:22,370
Didn't these used to have nuts in 'em?
304
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:26,708
Chris, I see in the paper
that Vietnam is still going on,
305
00:15:26,743 --> 00:15:30,045
and as a blue collar TV dad,
I demand you enlist.
306
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,880
Peter, you can't send Chris to Vietnam.
307
00:15:31,915 --> 00:15:33,348
They're bombing women and children.
308
00:15:33,383 --> 00:15:35,383
You have no idea
how bad it is over there.
309
00:15:35,419 --> 00:15:37,852
I don't? Oh, I know war, my friend.
310
00:15:37,888 --> 00:15:40,155
I stormed the beaches at Normandy.
311
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,956
(YELLING)
312
00:15:41,992 --> 00:15:43,758
Of course, it was 1958,
313
00:15:43,794 --> 00:15:45,927
so the resistance wasn't quite as stiff.
314
00:15:45,962 --> 00:15:48,330
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- No running.
315
00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:49,664
I said no running!
316
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:52,167
I'm not running!
317
00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:54,436
Chris, you are going to Vietnam
and doing your duty,
318
00:15:54,471 --> 00:15:55,770
like Quagmire did.
319
00:15:55,806 --> 00:15:57,739
As a matter of fact, his tour just ended
320
00:15:57,774 --> 00:15:59,474
and his transport
should be getting in soon.
321
00:15:59,509 --> 00:16:01,009
So let's head down to the airfield
322
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:03,745
and give our soldiers
the respect they deserve.
323
00:16:08,018 --> 00:16:10,352
Welcome home, Quagmire! (SPITS)
324
00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:13,288
Oh, good to see you
back safely, Glenn. (SPITS)
325
00:16:13,323 --> 00:16:15,623
- Murderer!
- Hey, show some respect.
326
00:16:15,659 --> 00:16:17,025
Sorry. (SPITS)
327
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:19,027
Oh, I left my carry-on
back on the plane.
328
00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:20,362
All right, when he comes back,
329
00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:22,097
we got to make him feel welcome again.
330
00:16:22,132 --> 00:16:25,100
(SNORTING, HAWKING)
331
00:16:25,135 --> 00:16:27,602
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
332
00:16:27,637 --> 00:16:29,104
Boy, the Clam sure looks different.
333
00:16:29,139 --> 00:16:31,272
Yeah, just be careful with
your collars on the way in.
334
00:16:31,308 --> 00:16:32,607
They're kind of sharp.
335
00:16:32,642 --> 00:16:35,877
("A FIFTH OF BEETHOVEN"
BY WALTER MURPHY PLAYING)
336
00:16:54,498 --> 00:16:56,498
(PEOPLE GRUNTING)
337
00:17:04,775 --> 00:17:08,476
Yeah, we'll have a round
of beers for the table.
338
00:17:08,512 --> 00:17:09,978
Uhp, we got her, too.
339
00:17:10,013 --> 00:17:13,281
It's good to have you back from
the war in one piece, Quagmire.
340
00:17:13,316 --> 00:17:15,550
Yeah, some of us weren't so lucky.
341
00:17:15,585 --> 00:17:17,352
What are you talking about?
You never went to Vietnam.
342
00:17:17,387 --> 00:17:18,620
Hell I didn't!
343
00:17:18,655 --> 00:17:21,322
I went to the draft board
and told them I was gay,
344
00:17:21,358 --> 00:17:24,192
and then got hit by a bus
on the walk home.
345
00:17:24,227 --> 00:17:25,894
(SOBBING)
346
00:17:27,898 --> 00:17:30,231
So, Quagmire, Chris is
shipping out tomorrow morning,
347
00:17:30,267 --> 00:17:32,033
and he's pretty nervous.
348
00:17:32,068 --> 00:17:35,103
I know you enjoy staring, like,
3,000 feet out into dead space,
349
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:37,439
but you got any good stories
I could tell him
350
00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:39,107
about how cool 'Nam is?
351
00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:41,810
You know, there's lots of things
you expect in war...
352
00:17:41,845 --> 00:17:44,379
Carnage, the sleepless nights...
353
00:17:44,414 --> 00:17:46,514
But what they don't prepare you for
354
00:17:46,550 --> 00:17:49,050
is the incessant use of "Fortunate Son."
355
00:17:49,085 --> 00:17:50,752
("FORTUNATE SON" BY CREEDENCE
CLEARWATER REVIVAL PLAYING)
356
00:17:50,787 --> 00:17:53,087
I'd hear that song
any time I was in a helicopter.
357
00:17:55,058 --> 00:17:57,592
Or taking a swift boat
deep into the jungle,
358
00:17:57,627 --> 00:17:59,928
that song again.
359
00:17:59,963 --> 00:18:01,830
My penis would even play "Fortunate Son"
360
00:18:01,865 --> 00:18:03,539
while I was visiting a whorehouse.
361
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:06,786
(VOLUME FLUCTUATING):
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
362
00:18:06,787 --> 00:18:10,235
♪ I ain't no millionaire's son, no... ♪
363
00:18:10,738 --> 00:18:12,592
Oh, Lord, that's horrible!
364
00:18:12,632 --> 00:18:14,798
There must have been
some other song you heard.
365
00:18:14,834 --> 00:18:16,467
Yeah, there was.
366
00:18:16,502 --> 00:18:19,103
That "There's something
happening here" song.
367
00:18:19,138 --> 00:18:20,538
Hey, I just realized,
368
00:18:20,573 --> 00:18:22,806
your clothes kind of
look like the jungle.
369
00:18:22,842 --> 00:18:24,708
Shut up, Joe! You weren't there!
370
00:18:24,744 --> 00:18:27,111
You don't know!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
371
00:18:27,146 --> 00:18:28,879
You didn't hear the songs I heard!
372
00:18:28,915 --> 00:18:30,981
Oh, my God,
Chris ships out in the morning!
373
00:18:31,017 --> 00:18:33,817
I got to get him out to there.
I thought this war would be fun,
374
00:18:33,853 --> 00:18:36,587
you know, just go over there
and fight the Donkey Kong.
375
00:18:36,622 --> 00:18:39,023
We were trying to fight the war our way,
376
00:18:39,058 --> 00:18:41,091
the way we'd always fought wars,
377
00:18:41,127 --> 00:18:44,628
but we were gradually climbing
steel beams and ladders,
378
00:18:44,664 --> 00:18:46,463
and the Donkey Kong knew that.
379
00:18:46,499 --> 00:18:50,601
It was barrel after barrel.
We lost a lot of good men.
380
00:18:50,636 --> 00:18:52,636
And so many quarters.
381
00:18:52,672 --> 00:18:54,505
(DRUMS PLAYING MARCH)
382
00:18:58,477 --> 00:19:00,978
Now, listen up! When you hear your name,
383
00:19:01,013 --> 00:19:03,213
I want you to sound off smartly
and move out.
384
00:19:03,249 --> 00:19:05,215
- Capo.
- Yes, sir.
385
00:19:05,251 --> 00:19:07,151
- Sumner.
- Yes, sir.
386
00:19:07,186 --> 00:19:08,385
Griffin.
387
00:19:10,656 --> 00:19:12,289
Chris Griffin!
388
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:14,925
Yes, sir.
389
00:19:14,961 --> 00:19:17,461
- I didn't think this through.
- ♪ ♪
390
00:19:17,496 --> 00:19:19,463
Hey, where you going?!
What's the matter with you?!
391
00:19:19,498 --> 00:19:22,900
I said put your duffel bag right there!
392
00:19:22,935 --> 00:19:24,401
(RHYTHMIC FOOTSTEPS)
393
00:19:24,437 --> 00:19:27,471
(TO "AQUARIUS"): ♪ Hey, guys, wait ♪
394
00:19:27,506 --> 00:19:29,406
♪ I'm not supposed to be here ♪
395
00:19:29,442 --> 00:19:31,642
♪ Stop, halt ♪
396
00:19:31,677 --> 00:19:33,577
♪ My name's not Chris, it's Peter ♪
397
00:19:33,613 --> 00:19:35,412
♪ He's late ♪
398
00:19:35,448 --> 00:19:37,081
♪ He's probably at the theater ♪
399
00:19:37,116 --> 00:19:41,485
♪ Watching a '70s movie ♪
400
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:45,656
♪ Maybe The French Connection ♪
401
00:19:45,691 --> 00:19:49,860
♪ Or possibly Godfather II ♪
402
00:19:49,895 --> 00:19:54,298
♪ The number, not "also" ♪
403
00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:58,102
♪ Let my son die ♪
404
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:02,172
♪ Let my son die ♪
405
00:20:02,208 --> 00:20:07,177
♪ My son, not me ♪
406
00:20:07,213 --> 00:20:10,180
CHOIR: ♪ Let his son die ♪
407
00:20:11,217 --> 00:20:14,718
♪ Let his son die ♪
408
00:20:14,754 --> 00:20:18,188
♪ His son, not him ♪
409
00:20:18,224 --> 00:20:19,690
♪ Oh, whoa ♪
410
00:20:19,725 --> 00:20:22,192
- ♪ Let his son die ♪
- ♪ Let him die ♪
411
00:20:22,228 --> 00:20:23,661
♪ Locked in a cage ♪
412
00:20:23,696 --> 00:20:27,798
- ♪ Let his son die ♪
- ♪ Like John McCain ♪
413
00:20:27,833 --> 00:20:32,636
- ♪ His son, not him ♪
- ♪ Can't raise his arms. ♪
414
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,102
Well, that's all we got tonight.
Hope you enjoyed it.
415
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:41,365
And I hope the exhibits here at
The Museum of Television & Radio
416
00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:43,511
don't come to life like
Night at the Museum.
417
00:20:43,512 --> 00:20:46,473
- Hey, Peter!
- (SCREAMS) Don Knotts!
418
00:20:46,474 --> 00:20:48,635
- I just want to talk.
- Stay away from me!
419
00:20:48,636 --> 00:20:50,561
Andy Griffith used to beat me up.
420
00:20:50,562 --> 00:20:53,795
He was a big drinker.
Ask Ron Howard, he'll tell you.
421
00:20:53,796 --> 00:20:55,264
Help! Someone!
422
00:20:55,265 --> 00:20:58,367
Tim Conway was sleeping with
half the Apple Dumpling Gang.
423
00:20:58,368 --> 00:21:00,733
You two were the only ones
in the Apple Dumpling Gang!
424
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:03,293
You're doing the math now, aren't you?
425
00:21:03,671 --> 00:21:06,671
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -