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00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:04,120
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,791 --> 00:00:08,076
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,111 --> 00:00:11,646
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,664 --> 00:00:14,633
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:26,411 --> 00:00:30,411
♪ Family Guy 11x02 ♪
Ratings Guy
Original Air Date on October 7, 2012
11
00:00:30,412 --> 00:00:34,412
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:34,986 --> 00:00:37,354
Oh, Stewie,
how exciting!
13
00:00:37,388 --> 00:00:39,506
Your first visit to
a real fire station!
14
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:42,609
Yeah, you kids always loved your
first trip to the fire station.
15
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:43,927
You remember when we took Meg?
16
00:00:47,782 --> 00:00:50,450
Welcome to the Quahog
Fire Department, folks.
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00:00:50,485 --> 00:00:51,785
I'm Captain Beckman.
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00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:52,953
Let me know if you
have any questions
19
00:00:52,987 --> 00:00:54,120
that I can
answer for you.
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00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,622
What's up, nerds?
21
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:58,859
You waiting for some guy to
fall asleep with a cigarette?
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00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,460
Lazy fire turds!
23
00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:02,128
Have another donut, pig!
24
00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:04,197
We got guns! You got hoses!
25
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:05,899
See you on the softball field!
26
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:14,291
Over here is our kitchen,
where we make all our meals.
27
00:01:14,325 --> 00:01:16,026
And upstairs
is where we sleep.
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00:01:16,060 --> 00:01:17,827
What about your
wives and families?
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00:01:17,862 --> 00:01:20,530
Sometimes we don't see them
for long periods of time.
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00:01:20,565 --> 00:01:22,465
Well, that sounds
awfully lonely.
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00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:24,834
Like being an NBA player
on the road.
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00:01:24,869 --> 00:01:26,937
Baby, I miss my wife so much.
33
00:01:26,971 --> 00:01:28,772
Thanks for understanding
that we can't do anything.
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00:01:28,806 --> 00:01:30,173
I just want to cuddle.
35
00:01:30,208 --> 00:01:31,575
Oh, you're so sweet.
36
00:01:31,609 --> 00:01:33,343
I'm just doing
what a man should do.
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Respecting the sacred
institution of marriage.
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00:01:35,913 --> 00:01:37,948
And now, straight to sleep.
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This message brought
to you by the NBA.
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Let's all pretend this happens.
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Hey, Chris, you think it's safe
to drink from a fire hose?
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00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,506
Why not, Dad?
It's just water.
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All right, well, turn it on.
I'm very thirsty.
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Nice job, Chris.
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You got my shirt wet.
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00:01:53,698 --> 00:01:55,232
Now, few people realize
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that until 1928
there were no hoses,
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and you actually had to fight
fires with your bare hands.
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00:02:00,838 --> 00:02:02,839
I will now give
a demonstration.
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00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:12,983
Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh?
51
00:02:13,017 --> 00:02:15,035
Oh, my God,
the fire's got a gun!
52
00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:19,773
What the was that?
53
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:24,511
Come on, Stewie.
We're going.
54
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:25,745
Just a moment, Brian.
55
00:02:25,780 --> 00:02:27,080
I'm pretending
I'm a fireman.
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00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,782
I love playing pretend.
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00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:31,468
My name's Peter
and I work in the brewery.
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00:02:31,502 --> 00:02:32,902
Now I'm gonna put on my pants
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00:02:32,937 --> 00:02:34,471
and go talk
to my coworkers at...
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00:02:34,505 --> 00:02:36,039
These pants have
stool in them.
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00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:43,263
Well, I hope everyone had a fun
afternoon at the firehouse.
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I sure did, Mom!
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00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:47,884
I can't wait for the
next family outing!
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00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,388
Aw, thanks, Mike.
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00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:52,822
I hate fire stations.
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00:02:52,857 --> 00:02:54,824
No problem, man.
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00:02:54,859 --> 00:02:56,926
Is that alcohol
on your breath?
68
00:02:56,961 --> 00:02:58,178
Yeah, maybe.
69
00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:00,714
You're playing this
too fast and loose, Mike!
70
00:03:05,169 --> 00:03:06,469
Ooh, ooh, is
that the mail?
71
00:03:06,504 --> 00:03:08,138
Yeah.
Is there anything in there for me?
72
00:03:08,172 --> 00:03:09,539
I want to see if
there's a response
73
00:03:09,573 --> 00:03:11,207
to all those fan letters
I've been writing.
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00:03:11,242 --> 00:03:13,243
Dear Cary Elwes,
75
00:03:13,277 --> 00:03:15,979
I have been meaning to
contact you for some time.
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00:03:16,013 --> 00:03:19,049
I have never been able to
figure out if you are famous.
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00:03:19,083 --> 00:03:20,950
You were a big deal
in one thing,
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00:03:20,985 --> 00:03:23,787
but you were wearing
a mask for most of it.
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00:03:23,821 --> 00:03:26,289
Do you consider your
career a disappointment?
80
00:03:26,324 --> 00:03:29,192
Or rather, did you exceed
your own expectations?
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00:03:29,226 --> 00:03:31,461
Yours truly, Peter Griffin.
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00:03:31,495 --> 00:03:34,764
P.S. You were in
Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
83
00:03:34,799 --> 00:03:36,633
Did you know that?
84
00:03:36,667 --> 00:03:38,802
Hey, there's something here
from the Nielsen Company.
85
00:03:39,837 --> 00:03:41,471
"Dear Griffin family,
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00:03:41,505 --> 00:03:44,341
"You have been specially
selected from amongst millions
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00:03:44,375 --> 00:03:47,243
"of American households
to be a Nielsen family,
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00:03:47,278 --> 00:03:50,880
"and as such, to have your
TV viewing habits monitored
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00:03:50,915 --> 00:03:53,817
in order to measure
television ratings."
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00:03:53,851 --> 00:03:57,087
Oh, kids, this came
all the way from Delaware.
91
00:03:57,121 --> 00:03:58,521
What does all
that mean?
92
00:03:58,556 --> 00:04:00,974
Well, Meg, it sounds like
they want us to be part of
93
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:03,309
a select group of people that
helps determine what's on TV.
94
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:04,761
We're gonna be a Nielsen family?
95
00:04:04,795 --> 00:04:05,762
That's awesome!
96
00:04:09,633 --> 00:04:10,734
I think... uh...
97
00:04:10,768 --> 00:04:12,602
I think that's
the wrong music.
98
00:04:15,239 --> 00:04:16,773
There you go.
99
00:04:23,669 --> 00:04:26,737
Now, this Nielsen box will keep
track of everything you watch,
100
00:04:26,772 --> 00:04:29,073
which helps us generalize
the viewing habits
101
00:04:29,107 --> 00:04:30,641
of millions of Americans.
102
00:04:30,676 --> 00:04:32,076
Ah, yes.
103
00:04:32,110 --> 00:04:34,145
And what was that beginning,
middle and end part again?
104
00:04:34,179 --> 00:04:35,513
Um...
105
00:04:35,547 --> 00:04:38,783
this Nielsen box will keep track
of everything you watch,
106
00:04:38,817 --> 00:04:40,885
which helps us generalize
the viewing habits
107
00:04:40,919 --> 00:04:42,386
of millions of Americans.
108
00:04:42,421 --> 00:04:44,505
Is there any way you can
describe that to me
109
00:04:44,539 --> 00:04:46,023
using colorful puppets
of some sort?
110
00:04:48,043 --> 00:04:51,345
The Nielsen box will monitor
your viewing habits!
111
00:04:52,714 --> 00:04:56,350
I don't like the left puppet.
His chin is scary.
112
00:04:57,953 --> 00:04:59,820
Well, thanks
for your cooperation.
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If you have any questions,
please call me.
114
00:05:01,957 --> 00:05:03,658
And welcome
to the Nielsen family.
115
00:05:03,692 --> 00:05:06,260
Thank you very much.
116
00:05:06,294 --> 00:05:07,712
Well, isn't this exciting.
117
00:05:07,746 --> 00:05:09,880
I know, I can't believe
we're a Nielsen family!
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00:05:09,915 --> 00:05:11,799
I never get picked
for anything.
119
00:05:28,350 --> 00:05:29,483
All right, everyone.
120
00:05:29,518 --> 00:05:31,052
Time to do
our Nielsen duty.
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00:05:31,086 --> 00:05:32,386
So, what are we gonna watch?
122
00:05:32,421 --> 00:05:33,821
Boobs!
Project Runway!
123
00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:36,057
The Good Wife!
That black version of our show!
124
00:05:36,091 --> 00:05:38,092
You know, guys, this
is a real opportunity
125
00:05:38,126 --> 00:05:39,593
to promote quality
programming.
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00:05:39,628 --> 00:05:40,978
I think we should
watch PBS.
127
00:05:41,012 --> 00:05:42,980
Yeah, you're real
passionate about PBS.
128
00:05:43,014 --> 00:05:46,117
You donated once five years ago
and they sent you a mug.
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00:05:46,151 --> 00:05:48,619
And now the mug's so old
that the "P" has been worn off
130
00:05:48,653 --> 00:05:49,970
so it just says "B.S."
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00:05:50,005 --> 00:05:52,640
It's libtards like you that are
screwing up our country.
132
00:05:55,510 --> 00:05:57,478
Tom Tucker?
What are you doing here?
133
00:05:57,512 --> 00:05:59,146
Well, I heard you're
the new Nielsen family.
134
00:05:59,181 --> 00:06:01,348
Just hoping you plan to watch
the Channel Five News.
135
00:06:01,383 --> 00:06:03,150
I don't know.
I've missed so many.
136
00:06:03,185 --> 00:06:04,785
It's gonna take me
forever to catch up.
137
00:06:04,820 --> 00:06:06,721
Well, we'd sure love
to have you as a viewer.
138
00:06:06,755 --> 00:06:07,955
Is there anything we can do
139
00:06:07,989 --> 00:06:09,401
to make the news
more appealing to you?
140
00:06:09,426 --> 00:06:10,491
Maybe.
141
00:06:10,492 --> 00:06:12,193
I guess you could
lose the moustache.
142
00:06:12,227 --> 00:06:13,394
Lose my moustache?
143
00:06:13,428 --> 00:06:15,396
Well, gosh, I...
I don't know.
144
00:06:15,430 --> 00:06:16,897
My birthmark
makes it kind of tough.
145
00:06:16,932 --> 00:06:19,266
Always caused me problems
at my old job.
146
00:06:19,301 --> 00:06:21,702
And that'll do it for us here
at Channel 12 News.
147
00:06:21,737 --> 00:06:23,304
Make sure you turn
those clocks ahead.
148
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Good night, St. Louis.
149
00:06:24,673 --> 00:06:25,840
Yeah, I don't know,
150
00:06:25,874 --> 00:06:27,575
I was never that crazy
about the moustache.
151
00:06:27,609 --> 00:06:29,810
Well, I suppose I could lose it
and just use more makeup.
152
00:06:29,845 --> 00:06:31,212
Yeah, that'd be cool.
153
00:06:31,246 --> 00:06:33,547
And maybe a festive hat would
make things more festive.
154
00:06:33,582 --> 00:06:35,649
All right, this is good.
Any other suggestions?
155
00:06:35,684 --> 00:06:37,184
Yeah, can you end each show
156
00:06:37,219 --> 00:06:39,687
by trying to pull-start
a very cold chain saw?
157
00:06:39,721 --> 00:06:40,955
Well, that shouldn't
be a problem.
158
00:06:40,989 --> 00:06:42,490
All right, thank you
for being so candid.
159
00:06:42,524 --> 00:06:43,758
Hey, thanks for listening.
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I know how hard it is
to take criticism.
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00:06:46,895 --> 00:06:48,262
Hey, nice boots, Griffin.
162
00:06:48,296 --> 00:06:50,498
They sell men's shoes
where you got those?
163
00:06:50,532 --> 00:06:52,433
You made a commitment
to these boots, Peter.
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These boots are the new you,
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and no one will shake that.
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Yee-haw, ride 'em, cowgirl!
167
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,007
Okay, you can take
the boots off at lunch.
168
00:07:00,041 --> 00:07:01,675
Go to the gym.
Have a workout.
169
00:07:01,710 --> 00:07:03,177
Come back in your sneakers.
170
00:07:03,211 --> 00:07:05,246
If anyone asks, you forgot
the boots in your locker.
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00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:06,680
Just make it to lunch.
172
00:07:06,715 --> 00:07:08,549
Those boots are
made for walkin'.
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00:07:08,583 --> 00:07:10,084
Up to guys' butts.
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00:07:12,287 --> 00:07:14,054
Hey, fellas.
Hey.
175
00:07:17,459 --> 00:07:18,592
Good evening, Quahog.
176
00:07:18,627 --> 00:07:20,494
Tonight, Channel Five
mourns the loss
177
00:07:20,529 --> 00:07:21,796
of a dear colleague.
178
00:07:21,830 --> 00:07:23,264
My moustache.
179
00:07:23,298 --> 00:07:25,566
And as per the wishes
of my moustache,
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00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,102
his ashes were sprinkled
off the coast of Acapulco
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00:07:28,136 --> 00:07:29,270
where he was born.
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00:07:29,304 --> 00:07:30,938
Well, that'll do it for us here.
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Thanks for watching
Channel Five,
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the most trusted name in news.
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00:07:36,711 --> 00:07:38,913
Ah, crap.
186
00:07:38,947 --> 00:07:40,948
Oh, come on.
187
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Let's go, Tom.
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Work, damn it!
189
00:07:46,555 --> 00:07:47,588
What the hell?
190
00:07:47,622 --> 00:07:48,923
What's going on
with the news?
191
00:07:48,957 --> 00:07:51,125
This is terrible!
Yeah, has he lost his mind?
192
00:07:51,159 --> 00:07:52,560
Well, I'll be damned.
193
00:07:52,594 --> 00:07:54,762
If I knew he was gonna do
all that stuff I told him,
194
00:07:54,796 --> 00:07:56,096
I would've told him
more stuff.
195
00:07:56,131 --> 00:07:57,298
What?
196
00:07:57,332 --> 00:07:59,300
Peter, you told him
to do this crap?
197
00:07:59,334 --> 00:08:00,835
Yeah, he came to my house
when he found out
198
00:08:00,869 --> 00:08:02,903
I was a Nielsen family,
asked what I wanted to see.
199
00:08:02,938 --> 00:08:04,471
Hey, hey, you know
what would be cool?
200
00:08:04,506 --> 00:08:06,807
If he did the news with
a family of prairie dogs,
201
00:08:06,842 --> 00:08:08,442
and whenever he said
something sad,
202
00:08:08,476 --> 00:08:10,544
they'd pop their heads up,
all concerned.
203
00:08:10,579 --> 00:08:12,246
Peter, you sure that's
such a good idea?
204
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,481
People rely on the local news
to provide them with
205
00:08:14,516 --> 00:08:17,284
several stories a year on how
saltwater taffy is made.
206
00:08:17,319 --> 00:08:19,220
Yeah, if you're
a Nielsen family,
207
00:08:19,254 --> 00:08:21,155
it seems like you
should maybe be
208
00:08:21,189 --> 00:08:22,656
a little more thoughtful
with your choices.
209
00:08:22,691 --> 00:08:23,824
What are you talking about?
210
00:08:23,859 --> 00:08:25,059
I'm just having a little fun.
211
00:08:25,093 --> 00:08:26,527
For God's sakes,
I've just been handed
212
00:08:26,561 --> 00:08:28,195
the coolest freaking toy
on the planet.
213
00:08:28,230 --> 00:08:31,565
Well, you know, except for
Hungry Hungry Alec Baldwins.
214
00:08:33,435 --> 00:08:36,170
Hey, I'm not... I'm not
even touching the lever.
215
00:08:40,976 --> 00:08:43,477
Chilling news
from Long Island Sound,
216
00:08:43,511 --> 00:08:45,746
as a four-passenger prop plane
on its way to East Hampton
217
00:08:45,780 --> 00:08:47,815
spun into the surf
off Montauk Point.
218
00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:51,018
There were no survivors.
219
00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:53,520
Oh, that's so great, I just
called him on the way home!
220
00:08:53,555 --> 00:08:56,090
Peter, I'm not sure this
is entirely responsible.
221
00:08:56,124 --> 00:08:57,424
I don't see what
the big deal is.
222
00:08:57,459 --> 00:08:59,026
I was just trying
to make the show better.
223
00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:00,928
Hell, I wish I could do it
with all the shows.
224
00:09:00,962 --> 00:09:02,663
Yeah, well, you only have
one Nielsen box.
225
00:09:02,697 --> 00:09:04,431
You don't have the clout
to affect national shows.
226
00:09:04,466 --> 00:09:05,666
Damn it.
227
00:09:05,700 --> 00:09:07,067
I guess that means
I'll never get to see
228
00:09:07,102 --> 00:09:09,103
an episode of Superman
where Clark Kent and Lois Lane
229
00:09:09,137 --> 00:09:10,671
finally get together.
230
00:09:10,705 --> 00:09:11,972
Lois, I love you,
231
00:09:12,007 --> 00:09:15,242
and I want there to be
no more secrets between us.
232
00:09:15,277 --> 00:09:16,911
I am Superman.
233
00:09:16,945 --> 00:09:18,245
Oh, my God.
234
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:20,114
The only thing that can
kill me is kryptonite.
235
00:09:20,148 --> 00:09:21,649
Or latex.
236
00:09:21,683 --> 00:09:22,816
Or lambskin.
237
00:09:22,851 --> 00:09:24,551
What about polyurethane?
All that.
238
00:09:24,586 --> 00:09:25,552
All that stuff.
239
00:09:27,589 --> 00:09:28,856
Hi, folks.
240
00:09:28,890 --> 00:09:30,925
Just thought I'd stop by
and make sure your equipment
241
00:09:30,959 --> 00:09:33,060
is working properly and see
if you have any questions.
242
00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:34,728
Yeah, is something wrong
with our remote?
243
00:09:34,763 --> 00:09:36,497
No matter how low
I turn the volume,
244
00:09:36,531 --> 00:09:38,499
Aziz Ansari is always
shouting at me.
245
00:09:38,533 --> 00:09:40,167
What did I do?
246
00:09:40,201 --> 00:09:41,969
Thank you.
I think we're good.
247
00:09:42,003 --> 00:09:43,470
Everything seems
to be going well.
248
00:09:43,505 --> 00:09:44,538
Okay, great.
249
00:09:44,572 --> 00:09:46,073
Well, I'm just gonna
change out the card
250
00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:48,375
on your unit real quick
and I'll be on my way.
251
00:10:00,355 --> 00:10:01,655
Well, we're all set.
252
00:10:01,690 --> 00:10:02,690
Thanks for your time.
253
00:10:02,724 --> 00:10:04,058
No, thank you, pal.
254
00:10:04,092 --> 00:10:05,426
And hey, you've been
working hard.
255
00:10:05,460 --> 00:10:07,094
Why don't you take the
rest of the day off?
256
00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:09,430
Here's two tickets to Sandra
Bernhard's one-woman show.
257
00:10:09,464 --> 00:10:10,631
Wow, thanks!
258
00:10:10,665 --> 00:10:11,799
Yeah, and they're
great seats.
259
00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:13,167
They're right in
the gap of her teeth.
260
00:10:13,201 --> 00:10:14,735
Social media?
261
00:10:14,769 --> 00:10:16,403
More like a social disease.
262
00:10:17,439 --> 00:10:19,373
Ha! That's funny!
263
00:10:23,411 --> 00:10:25,713
Peter, what the hell's
going on here?
264
00:10:25,747 --> 00:10:28,148
Lois, we're no longer
one Nielsen family.
265
00:10:28,183 --> 00:10:30,050
We're 100.
266
00:10:30,085 --> 00:10:31,385
More boxes, more power.
267
00:10:31,419 --> 00:10:33,220
And I got some ideas
to make TV better.
268
00:10:36,391 --> 00:10:38,192
Hello, Mad Men
production office.
269
00:10:38,226 --> 00:10:39,326
Yeah, Peter Griffin here.
270
00:10:39,361 --> 00:10:40,828
Could I speak with
Jon Hamm, please?
271
00:10:40,862 --> 00:10:42,096
One moment.
272
00:10:43,131 --> 00:10:44,765
Hello?
Hello, Jon Hamm?
273
00:10:44,799 --> 00:10:46,033
Peter Griffin,
Nielsen family.
274
00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:47,568
Listen, did I catch
you at a good time,
275
00:10:47,602 --> 00:10:50,070
or are you and the critics busy
sucking each other's butts?
276
00:10:50,105 --> 00:10:51,205
Excuse me?
277
00:10:51,239 --> 00:10:52,706
Look, your show
is really boring.
278
00:10:52,741 --> 00:10:54,008
But don't worry,
I got some ideas
279
00:10:54,042 --> 00:10:55,142
on how you
can jazz it up.
280
00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:56,977
Listen, I don't need
your suggestions, pal.
281
00:10:57,012 --> 00:10:59,580
I've been a big celebrity
for a year and a half now.
282
00:10:59,614 --> 00:11:01,148
Okay, if that's
how you're gonna be.
283
00:11:01,182 --> 00:11:02,750
We'll see how
this plays out.
284
00:11:02,784 --> 00:11:05,052
Lois, we're not watching
Mad Men no more.
285
00:11:09,591 --> 00:11:10,557
Hello?
286
00:11:10,592 --> 00:11:12,159
Look, I may have been
a little rash.
287
00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:13,827
Our ratings
have dropped 50%.
288
00:11:13,862 --> 00:11:15,929
Whatever suggestions
you have, I'll listen.
289
00:11:18,033 --> 00:11:19,400
And so, gentlemen,
in baseball,
290
00:11:19,434 --> 00:11:21,535
three strikes
and you're out.
291
00:11:21,569 --> 00:11:23,337
But three Lucky Strikes...
292
00:11:23,371 --> 00:11:25,472
and you're in.
293
00:11:25,507 --> 00:11:26,673
Nice try, Don.
294
00:11:26,708 --> 00:11:28,108
But I'm afraid
we're going to have
295
00:11:28,143 --> 00:11:29,443
to take our business
elsewhere.
296
00:11:29,477 --> 00:11:31,578
Oh? don't think so.
297
00:11:34,983 --> 00:11:37,451
(playing Star Wars theme)
298
00:11:40,855 --> 00:11:42,623
What the hell was that?
299
00:11:42,657 --> 00:11:44,091
I'll tell you
what it was, Lois.
300
00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:45,259
It was awesome.
301
00:11:45,293 --> 00:11:46,927
And wait'll
you see Breaking Bad.
302
00:11:46,961 --> 00:11:49,430
I don't know what it was,
but now it's on roller skates.
303
00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:53,567
Hi, NBC,
this is Peter Griffin.
304
00:11:53,601 --> 00:11:55,469
Listen, you guys
are doing a great job.
305
00:11:55,503 --> 00:11:59,239
If anybody knows what America
wants in the '90s, it's NBC.
306
00:11:59,274 --> 00:12:01,175
But I just have
one small request:
307
00:12:01,209 --> 00:12:04,178
I like Dateline, but I really
hate waiting two hours
308
00:12:04,212 --> 00:12:05,779
to find out who the killer is.
309
00:12:05,814 --> 00:12:08,315
Tonight on Dateline,
a woman murdered.
310
00:12:08,349 --> 00:12:10,017
Was it her ex-boyfriend?
311
00:12:10,051 --> 00:12:11,518
Yes, it was.
312
00:12:11,553 --> 00:12:12,619
I knew it.
313
00:12:12,654 --> 00:12:15,022
I knew it was the ex-boyfriend.
314
00:12:18,426 --> 00:12:20,027
"Sleep tight, truck.
315
00:12:20,061 --> 00:12:22,463
"Sleep tight, firefly.
316
00:12:22,497 --> 00:12:24,798
"Sleep tight, chair.
317
00:12:24,833 --> 00:12:27,167
Sleep tight, bird."
318
00:12:27,202 --> 00:12:28,302
You see that, Peter?
319
00:12:28,336 --> 00:12:29,570
You see the bird?
320
00:12:29,604 --> 00:12:30,771
Bird.
321
00:12:30,805 --> 00:12:32,506
Okay, we'll, uh,
pick up the rest tomorrow.
322
00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:35,709
Uh, now, I'm just gonna vamp for
a while with some random noises.
323
00:12:35,743 --> 00:12:37,344
Hee-hee!
324
00:12:37,378 --> 00:12:39,513
Heya, heya, heya.
325
00:12:41,583 --> 00:12:42,916
Uh-heh, uh-heh...
326
00:12:48,056 --> 00:12:49,022
Okay, good night, Peter.
327
00:12:49,057 --> 00:12:50,090
Good night, Dave.
328
00:12:50,125 --> 00:12:51,458
And, uh, here's Paul
329
00:12:51,493 --> 00:12:53,060
to play you to sleep
with a lullaby.
330
00:12:53,094 --> 00:12:54,561
♪ Hey, lullaby... ♪
331
00:12:54,596 --> 00:12:55,929
♪ Oh, lullaby ♪
332
00:12:55,964 --> 00:12:57,798
♪ Hey, you, lullaby... ♪
333
00:12:57,832 --> 00:12:58,832
Stop, no, stop.
334
00:12:58,867 --> 00:12:59,833
Stop.
335
00:12:59,868 --> 00:13:01,535
I forgot, he's terrible.
336
00:13:04,572 --> 00:13:07,608
We now return to
Cops With Banana Guns.
337
00:13:07,642 --> 00:13:10,010
Freeze!
338
00:13:10,044 --> 00:13:12,079
Is that...
is that a banana?
339
00:13:12,113 --> 00:13:13,480
Don't worry
about what it is.
340
00:13:13,515 --> 00:13:15,249
I'm still a cop.
341
00:13:15,283 --> 00:13:16,517
Whoa, hold on.
342
00:13:16,551 --> 00:13:18,519
All-All right, just...
just take it easy.
343
00:13:18,553 --> 00:13:20,621
This can go
a couple of ways.
344
00:13:20,655 --> 00:13:22,856
What the hell
did Peter do to Cops?!
345
00:13:22,891 --> 00:13:25,325
Bonnie!
Come push me out in a huff!
346
00:13:30,265 --> 00:13:31,698
Peter, what is this show?
347
00:13:31,733 --> 00:13:34,034
It's called Creeping Up
on the Kardashians.
348
00:13:34,068 --> 00:13:35,769
See that guy with the
ponytail in the background?
349
00:13:35,803 --> 00:13:37,938
He sneaks up and
scares the girls
350
00:13:37,972 --> 00:13:39,406
while they're
starting businesses
351
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:40,874
or getting
their fat waxed.
352
00:13:42,177 --> 00:13:43,243
What the hell?!
353
00:13:46,447 --> 00:13:48,549
There they are!
That's the Nielsen family!
354
00:13:48,583 --> 00:13:50,050
You ruined television!
355
00:13:50,084 --> 00:13:52,319
Now it's just
a big, old, silly mess!
356
00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:54,655
Oh, God! An angry mob!
357
00:13:54,689 --> 00:13:57,591
I've got to swallow all my
valuables and get out of here!
358
00:14:09,437 --> 00:14:11,004
Did you see the mob?
359
00:14:11,039 --> 00:14:12,139
Did I see the mob?
360
00:14:12,173 --> 00:14:13,574
Why else am I here?
361
00:14:19,153 --> 00:14:21,521
Oh, my God, Peter,
they're really angry!
362
00:14:21,556 --> 00:14:23,189
Say something!
363
00:14:23,224 --> 00:14:24,274
W-Wait.
What the hell's going on?
364
00:14:24,308 --> 00:14:25,692
What do you mean,
I ruined television?
365
00:14:25,726 --> 00:14:27,761
You put a real cougar
on Cougar Town,
366
00:14:27,795 --> 00:14:29,229
and now that cougar's dead
367
00:14:29,263 --> 00:14:31,998
because Courtney Cox ripped it
apart with her teeth and claws!
368
00:14:32,033 --> 00:14:35,702
You turned Anderson Cooper 360
into Anderson Cooper 720!
369
00:14:35,736 --> 00:14:37,237
He's turning around too much!
370
00:14:37,271 --> 00:14:39,639
You converted The Biggest Loser
to the metric system!
371
00:14:39,674 --> 00:14:41,641
Now it feels like
they're not losing enough!
372
00:14:41,676 --> 00:14:43,143
Aw, the hell with you guys!
373
00:14:43,177 --> 00:14:45,745
You're just jealous 'cause I get
to say what's on TV now!
374
00:14:45,780 --> 00:14:47,847
I am a Nielsen god!
375
00:14:54,255 --> 00:14:55,455
Sorry, y'all.
376
00:14:55,489 --> 00:14:58,058
That's the first time
I ever throwed anything.
377
00:15:02,763 --> 00:15:05,298
Well, if it isn't
Mr. Nielsen himself.
378
00:15:05,333 --> 00:15:07,500
Nurse, who's the worst
doctor in this hospital?
379
00:15:07,535 --> 00:15:08,735
You are,
Dr. Hartman.
380
00:15:08,769 --> 00:15:10,403
Good.
Put Hartman on this bozo.
381
00:15:10,438 --> 00:15:11,771
Hey, what can
I do for you?
382
00:15:11,806 --> 00:15:13,807
Please, Doc, you got to
help me with this nasty gash.
383
00:15:13,841 --> 00:15:14,841
What seems
to be the problem?
384
00:15:14,875 --> 00:15:16,242
No, it's my husband.
385
00:15:16,277 --> 00:15:18,478
Oh. Well, you've got a lot
of nerve coming in here
386
00:15:18,512 --> 00:15:19,713
after what you
did to television.
387
00:15:19,747 --> 00:15:20,880
Now, get out!
388
00:15:20,915 --> 00:15:22,782
Please, Doctor,
you've got to help him.
389
00:15:22,817 --> 00:15:25,118
You took an oath when
you went to medical school.
390
00:15:25,152 --> 00:15:26,953
I took a lot of things when
I went to medical school.
391
00:15:26,988 --> 00:15:28,755
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to answer this.
392
00:15:28,789 --> 00:15:29,956
Hello?
393
00:15:29,991 --> 00:15:31,758
Ah, Hartman!
394
00:15:36,497 --> 00:15:37,631
Hey, guys.
How you doing?
395
00:15:37,665 --> 00:15:38,665
Not so good, Peter.
396
00:15:38,699 --> 00:15:39,799
Yeah, me, either.
397
00:15:39,834 --> 00:15:41,835
Thanks to you,
TV's a vast wasteland.
398
00:15:41,869 --> 00:15:43,103
You know how
I know that phrase?
399
00:15:43,137 --> 00:15:44,471
I read it in a book,
you monster!
400
00:15:44,505 --> 00:15:46,106
Aw, come on, let me
make it up to you.
401
00:15:46,140 --> 00:15:47,140
Let me buy you a beer.
402
00:15:47,174 --> 00:15:48,875
No, that seat's taken.
403
00:15:48,909 --> 00:15:49,943
Move along, Peter.
404
00:15:49,977 --> 00:15:51,645
What are you
talking about?
405
00:15:51,679 --> 00:15:52,679
You guys are my pals.
406
00:15:52,713 --> 00:15:53,780
We used to be, Peter.
407
00:15:53,814 --> 00:15:54,881
Now, scram.
408
00:15:54,915 --> 00:15:57,117
Well, fine,
I'll sit at the bar.
409
00:15:57,151 --> 00:15:58,752
Not at my bar, you won't.
410
00:15:58,786 --> 00:16:00,053
Get out of here!
411
00:16:00,087 --> 00:16:02,188
Geez, I can't
show my face anywhere.
412
00:16:02,223 --> 00:16:04,724
I might as well be back
doing public radio.
413
00:16:04,759 --> 00:16:06,126
This is Peter Griffin,
414
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:09,496
and you're listening
to Book Talk on WRNI.
415
00:16:09,530 --> 00:16:10,797
Today we'll be discussing
416
00:16:10,831 --> 00:16:12,666
Bret Easton Ellis's
popular work,
417
00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:16,403
Less Than Zero, a tale
of privilege, detachment
418
00:16:16,437 --> 00:16:18,605
and youthful alienation.
419
00:16:22,143 --> 00:16:23,810
But first,
a word from our sponsor,
420
00:16:23,844 --> 00:16:26,046
Westin's Golden Soda Biscuits.
421
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:27,747
I'm enjoying one right now.
422
00:16:29,917 --> 00:16:31,351
Mmm.
423
00:16:35,356 --> 00:16:37,057
Mmm.
424
00:16:40,494 --> 00:16:42,062
Mmm.
425
00:16:50,337 --> 00:16:52,338
Mmm.
426
00:16:55,810 --> 00:16:58,111
That concludes
today's session of Book Talk.
427
00:16:58,145 --> 00:17:00,880
Tune in tomorrow when we will
look at John Kennedy Toole's
428
00:17:00,915 --> 00:17:03,983
unheralded early work,
The Neon Bible.
429
00:17:07,955 --> 00:17:09,355
Hey, what's wrong, Peter?
430
00:17:09,390 --> 00:17:10,890
I miss my friends, Brian.
431
00:17:10,925 --> 00:17:13,226
I mean, I was having fun
with those Nielsen boxes,
432
00:17:13,260 --> 00:17:14,794
but what's the point
433
00:17:14,829 --> 00:17:17,430
if I don't got Joe and
Quagmire to enjoy it with me?
434
00:17:17,465 --> 00:17:20,266
I guess I shouldn't have
messed with television.
435
00:17:20,301 --> 00:17:22,268
Well, it's not
exactly your fault.
436
00:17:22,303 --> 00:17:23,670
The networks never should
have listened to you
437
00:17:23,704 --> 00:17:24,904
in the first place.
438
00:17:24,939 --> 00:17:26,573
This is exactly what
makes bad television:
439
00:17:26,607 --> 00:17:28,508
pandering to the lowest
common denominator.
440
00:17:28,542 --> 00:17:30,143
So what do I do, Brian?
441
00:17:30,177 --> 00:17:31,678
Well, you still
have these boxes.
442
00:17:31,712 --> 00:17:34,614
That means you still have the
power to influence television.
443
00:17:34,648 --> 00:17:36,716
Maybe you can use that
power to help restore TV
444
00:17:36,751 --> 00:17:37,851
to the way it was.
445
00:17:37,885 --> 00:17:39,052
You're right, Brian.
446
00:17:39,086 --> 00:17:41,054
Maybe if I watch
smart, quality shows,
447
00:17:41,088 --> 00:17:42,722
that'll help get things back
to the way they were.
448
00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:45,158
We can use these boxes
for good and...
449
00:17:46,293 --> 00:17:47,827
What the hell?!
450
00:17:47,862 --> 00:17:51,564
That's for adding another tree
to One Tree Hill!
451
00:17:51,599 --> 00:17:54,033
Oh, my God, he destroyed
every last box!
452
00:17:54,068 --> 00:17:55,335
Holy crap!
453
00:17:55,369 --> 00:17:56,903
We're sunk now, Peter.
454
00:17:56,937 --> 00:18:00,273
There goes your one chance to
get TV back to the way it was.
455
00:18:00,307 --> 00:18:02,175
Wait a minute.
Maybe not, Brian.
456
00:18:02,209 --> 00:18:05,011
I think I just got an idea.
457
00:18:05,045 --> 00:18:06,746
Aah!
I got glass in my face!
458
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:09,215
Oh, crap.
Now I forgot what it was.
459
00:18:09,250 --> 00:18:10,283
I got it!
460
00:18:10,317 --> 00:18:11,785
Aah! Son of a bitch!
461
00:18:15,389 --> 00:18:16,422
You know who I hate?
462
00:18:16,457 --> 00:18:17,457
The troops.
463
00:18:17,491 --> 00:18:18,792
Yeah, me, too.
464
00:18:18,826 --> 00:18:20,326
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
who are you?
465
00:18:20,361 --> 00:18:21,528
I'm Peter Griffin.
466
00:18:21,562 --> 00:18:22,929
I'm the guy
who ruined television,
467
00:18:22,963 --> 00:18:24,330
and I'm the guy
who's gonna fix it.
468
00:18:24,365 --> 00:18:25,365
Guys!
469
00:18:25,399 --> 00:18:26,399
I broke television,
470
00:18:26,433 --> 00:18:27,934
and now you have
to help me fix it!
471
00:18:27,968 --> 00:18:29,068
Yah-ha!
472
00:18:29,103 --> 00:18:31,404
Looks like this is one
we beat you to.
473
00:18:35,276 --> 00:18:37,343
Gentlemen, I have
gathered you all here today
474
00:18:37,378 --> 00:18:39,846
because you are the creators
of what television used to be
475
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,247
before I ruined it.
476
00:18:41,282 --> 00:18:44,050
And we need to rebuild
television from the ground up.
477
00:18:44,084 --> 00:18:46,986
So, I'm gonna need
all your best ideas.
478
00:18:47,021 --> 00:18:49,722
J.J. Abrams, you take
wonder and complexity
479
00:18:49,757 --> 00:18:51,825
and present it in a way that
no one can possibly understand.
480
00:18:51,859 --> 00:18:53,092
Whaddaya got?!
481
00:18:53,127 --> 00:18:55,061
I've got an alien
that goes back in time
482
00:18:55,095 --> 00:18:57,964
and encounters a koala bear
in an Eastern European town.
483
00:18:57,998 --> 00:18:59,499
Totally confused.
Do it!
484
00:18:59,533 --> 00:19:02,035
Okay, now, we're gonna need
15 workplace comedies
485
00:19:02,069 --> 00:19:03,903
where people talk
to the camera for some reason.
486
00:19:03,938 --> 00:19:05,939
You, you, you and you-- go.
487
00:19:07,007 --> 00:19:08,308
When Peter told me to make
488
00:19:08,342 --> 00:19:09,676
a workplace comedy
where people talk
489
00:19:09,710 --> 00:19:10,977
to the camera, I thought...
490
00:19:11,011 --> 00:19:12,645
Not now!
I mean, go do a show!
491
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,048
Don't-don't do
that thing here.
492
00:19:15,082 --> 00:19:16,082
Huh.
493
00:19:16,116 --> 00:19:17,383
Wonder if I can
pull off one of those
494
00:19:17,418 --> 00:19:19,419
"can you believe what
I have to put up with" looks
495
00:19:19,453 --> 00:19:20,753
to the camera.
496
00:19:23,691 --> 00:19:26,392
Okay, Mark Burnett, you did
Survivor and The Apprentice.
497
00:19:26,427 --> 00:19:29,195
Can you give me a reality show
where people do horrible,
498
00:19:29,230 --> 00:19:30,597
unforgiveable things
to each other
499
00:19:30,631 --> 00:19:32,298
for embarrassingly
small sums of money?
500
00:19:32,333 --> 00:19:33,466
I got some ideas.
501
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:36,302
Here's a nickel,
pull down your pants.
502
00:19:36,337 --> 00:19:37,537
There's a show.
503
00:19:37,571 --> 00:19:38,838
Yah-ha! Go!
504
00:19:40,274 --> 00:19:41,641
All right, now,
who's gonna make a show
505
00:19:41,675 --> 00:19:42,742
about horrible
New Jersey freaks?
506
00:19:42,776 --> 00:19:43,910
You know what?
I don't care.
507
00:19:43,944 --> 00:19:44,944
Just someone, do it!
508
00:19:45,980 --> 00:19:47,180
Okay, Dick Wolf,
509
00:19:47,214 --> 00:19:49,249
make the same Law and Order
six times.
510
00:19:49,283 --> 00:19:51,251
Oh, and also,
could you marry Matt Weiner
511
00:19:51,285 --> 00:19:53,353
'cause I want your name
to be Dick "Weener."
512
00:19:53,387 --> 00:19:55,521
Okay, but can I go by
"Dick Wolf-Weener"?
513
00:19:55,556 --> 00:19:57,490
Oh, my God, yes!
Yes! Yes!
514
00:19:57,524 --> 00:19:59,125
Okay, Bravo people,
go find women fighting.
515
00:19:59,159 --> 00:20:00,593
No, you know what,
just find women.
516
00:20:00,628 --> 00:20:01,861
They'll end up fighting.
517
00:20:01,896 --> 00:20:04,330
All right, everyone who's left,
make a talent show.
518
00:20:04,365 --> 00:20:06,032
We are done.
519
00:20:06,066 --> 00:20:09,302
Oh, Kelsey Grammer,
what are you still doing here?
520
00:20:09,336 --> 00:20:10,637
I-I have nothing left
for you.
521
00:20:10,671 --> 00:20:11,838
I'm... I'm sorry.
522
00:20:11,872 --> 00:20:15,575
Ah. Then I shall take
my ease on the lanai.
523
00:20:15,609 --> 00:20:17,243
I don't care
what you do now.
524
00:20:21,382 --> 00:20:23,683
We now return
to Mike and Molly.
525
00:20:23,717 --> 00:20:25,551
Have you decided
what you'd like to order?
526
00:20:25,586 --> 00:20:27,086
Yes, the chopped salad?
527
00:20:27,121 --> 00:20:28,821
I'll have everything
except that.
528
00:20:31,025 --> 00:20:32,392
That waiter's like, "What?!"
529
00:20:32,426 --> 00:20:33,526
Well, you did it, Peter.
530
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,261
You got TV back to normal.
531
00:20:35,296 --> 00:20:37,397
Yeah, guys,
I'm sorry for screwing up
532
00:20:37,431 --> 00:20:38,665
all your favorite shows.
533
00:20:38,699 --> 00:20:39,933
Ah, that's okay, Peter.
534
00:20:39,967 --> 00:20:40,934
So, what do you say?
535
00:20:40,968 --> 00:20:42,235
Are we pals again?
536
00:20:42,269 --> 00:20:43,814
Ah, course we are.
You bet.
537
00:20:43,815 --> 00:20:45,615
Well, let's drink
to having TV
538
00:20:45,650 --> 00:20:48,185
back in the hands of people
who know what they're doing.
539
00:20:49,411 --> 00:20:51,312
I think Zack and Cody
would be funnier
540
00:20:51,346 --> 00:20:53,314
if they did the show
in their underpants.
541
00:20:53,348 --> 00:20:57,348
== sync, corrected by elderman ==