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00:00:01,684 --> 00:00:04,786
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,853 --> 00:00:08,306
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,390 --> 00:00:11,659
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,727 --> 00:00:14,962
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:29,952 --> 00:00:33,952
♪ Family Guy 10x21 ♪
Tea Peter
Original Air Date on May 7, 2012
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00:00:33,977 --> 00:00:37,977
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
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Wow, congratulations on your
grand re-opening, Mort.
13
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Looks like your customers
are comin' back.
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00:00:43,709 --> 00:00:46,794
Thanks, Lois. It's good
to be up and gouging again.
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00:00:46,845 --> 00:00:48,713
Oh, careful.
Watch out there, Brian.
16
00:00:48,797 --> 00:00:49,981
Looks like the floor is wet.
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00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:51,683
Excuse me.
I'm kind of in a hurry
18
00:00:51,750 --> 00:00:53,651
Son of a bitch!
19
00:00:53,719 --> 00:00:55,253
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
20
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:57,772
I'm sorry. I've been
a little distracted lately.
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00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,674
I think my wife has
been crossing the street
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00:00:59,742 --> 00:01:00,875
with another man.
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00:01:02,311 --> 00:01:04,145
God, I hope Alan
doesn't find out.
24
00:01:04,196 --> 00:01:05,747
Hey, forget that klutz.
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00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:11,152
Hmm, maybe this one.
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00:01:11,220 --> 00:01:13,488
Hey. Lookin' at you
pretty normal, huh?
27
00:01:13,555 --> 00:01:15,189
No!
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Aw, fudge.
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00:01:16,341 --> 00:01:17,508
Wait, I know!
30
00:01:20,412 --> 00:01:21,646
I'll figure this out.
31
00:01:21,714 --> 00:01:23,514
Th-the pieces are all there.
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00:01:23,582 --> 00:01:24,849
I-I'll go home
and figure this out.
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00:01:26,902 --> 00:01:29,003
Aw, cool. Hey Mort,
what's this thing?
34
00:01:29,071 --> 00:01:31,606
Oh, that? That's my
"Come In! We're Open" sign.
35
00:01:31,673 --> 00:01:32,924
What's that,
like an iPad?
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00:01:32,991 --> 00:01:34,409
No, it's a sign.
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00:01:34,476 --> 00:01:35,893
Wish I had one of those.
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00:01:35,961 --> 00:01:37,345
I've got a whole box
of them.
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Take it. It's yours.
No charge.
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00:01:39,214 --> 00:01:41,349
Ugh, typical Jew.
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00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:46,687
Coming this fall
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from the producers
of Gone Baby Gone,
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00:01:48,424 --> 00:01:50,324
comes the riveting sequel:
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00:01:50,392 --> 00:01:52,994
Gone Severely Disabled
Baby Gone.
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00:01:53,061 --> 00:01:55,696
I promise you we are going
to find your daughter.
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00:01:55,764 --> 00:01:57,999
Okay, but, you know,
do-do what you can,
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00:01:58,066 --> 00:01:59,867
but seriously, don't,
like, kill yourself.
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00:01:59,935 --> 00:02:02,570
Oh, and if you do find her,
honk this horn a couple times.
49
00:02:02,638 --> 00:02:04,806
It's the only way to get her
to stop biting you.
50
00:02:04,873 --> 00:02:06,474
But again, no rush.
51
00:02:10,446 --> 00:02:11,929
Peter, what
are you doing?
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00:02:11,997 --> 00:02:13,648
I'm just putting up
my new sign.
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00:02:13,715 --> 00:02:15,016
Don't put that thing
on our door.
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00:02:15,083 --> 00:02:16,167
If you want to hang it
somewhere,
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00:02:16,235 --> 00:02:17,718
hang it in the basement.
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00:02:17,786 --> 00:02:19,987
Oh, why? So you can hog it
while you're doing laundry?
57
00:02:20,055 --> 00:02:21,722
No way.
Peter, we're not a business.
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00:02:21,790 --> 00:02:23,958
Hey, I saw your sign.
So, you're open?
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That's right.
What do you do?
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00:02:25,494 --> 00:02:26,661
What do you need?
Milk.
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We have milk.
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00:02:34,903 --> 00:02:36,304
Peter, I told you,
I don't like
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all these strangers
walking around in our house.
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00:02:38,624 --> 00:02:41,442
They're not strangers, Lois;
they are our valued customers.
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00:02:41,493 --> 00:02:43,744
And if we don't show them
we appreciate their loyalty,
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00:02:43,812 --> 00:02:45,946
they're gonna go someplace else.
For what?!
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00:02:45,998 --> 00:02:47,215
Not to alarm anyone,
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00:02:47,282 --> 00:02:48,716
but some guy took me
in the closet
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00:02:48,784 --> 00:02:49,984
and tried me on.
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00:02:50,052 --> 00:02:52,520
She's right, Dad.
None of this makes any sense.
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00:02:52,588 --> 00:02:53,888
Meg, go take your ten.
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00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:55,623
And you may consider this
a verbal warning.
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00:02:55,691 --> 00:02:57,391
Peter, I want
these people to leave.
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00:02:57,459 --> 00:02:58,726
I fit,
by the way.
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00:02:58,794 --> 00:03:00,261
Lois, I'd love nothing more
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00:03:00,329 --> 00:03:01,429
than to sit here
and chat with you,
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00:03:01,497 --> 00:03:03,030
but I have a business to run.
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00:03:03,098 --> 00:03:04,682
Hi there.
May I help you folks?
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00:03:04,750 --> 00:03:06,984
Yes, my family and I would like
our portrait painted.
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00:03:07,052 --> 00:03:08,553
Well, you came
to the right place.
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00:03:14,259 --> 00:03:15,827
Looking good.
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00:03:15,894 --> 00:03:17,195
Almost done.
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00:03:17,262 --> 00:03:19,197
And... there.
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00:03:19,264 --> 00:03:20,448
Done.
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00:03:22,434 --> 00:03:24,001
What have you done?!
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00:03:24,069 --> 00:03:25,803
I painted the truth.
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I painted my truth.
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Gimme a spin, sweetie.
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00:03:33,662 --> 00:03:34,879
What do you think, Mom?
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00:03:34,947 --> 00:03:37,081
Is that the most beautiful
bride you've ever seen?
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00:03:37,149 --> 00:03:38,182
I love it!
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00:03:38,250 --> 00:03:39,617
Oh, it's just
so much money.
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00:03:39,685 --> 00:03:41,335
It's true. It's true.
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00:03:41,386 --> 00:03:42,453
Take the dress off,
sweetheart.
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00:03:42,521 --> 00:03:43,955
Your mother says
you can't have it.
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00:03:44,022 --> 00:03:45,223
W-wait, wait,
wait a minute.
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00:03:45,290 --> 00:03:46,474
Do you really love it?
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00:03:46,542 --> 00:03:49,026
I do. It just feels
like my wedding dress.
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00:03:49,111 --> 00:03:51,462
Oh, Mom, she loves it.
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00:03:51,530 --> 00:03:52,997
Okay.
We'll take it.
101
00:03:53,065 --> 00:03:56,200
Peter, what is that girl doing
in my wedding dress?!
102
00:03:56,285 --> 00:03:58,185
She gone?
No.
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00:03:58,253 --> 00:03:59,387
Okay, well, while
I'm down here
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00:03:59,454 --> 00:04:00,955
let me give you my card.
105
00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:02,490
There you go.
106
00:04:05,794 --> 00:04:08,930
Here you go. A half pound of
honey maple turkey, sliced thin.
107
00:04:08,997 --> 00:04:10,598
I wanted a
duplicate key made.
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00:04:10,666 --> 00:04:12,032
You have a good one.
109
00:04:12,084 --> 00:04:13,317
Oh, hey, Joe.
What's going on?
110
00:04:13,385 --> 00:04:16,120
Peter, I'm afraid
I'm here to shut you down.
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00:04:16,188 --> 00:04:17,955
You're running an
unlicensed business,
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00:04:18,023 --> 00:04:19,290
and that's against the law.
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00:04:19,358 --> 00:04:20,892
Aw, that is such bullcrap.
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00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:22,643
Well, you can't fight
City Hall.
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00:04:22,711 --> 00:04:24,478
Oh, we'll see about that!
116
00:04:27,182 --> 00:04:28,783
City Hall knows karate.
117
00:04:28,850 --> 00:04:31,352
I'm sorry, Peter, but the
government makes the rules.
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00:04:31,420 --> 00:04:32,486
I just enforce them.
119
00:04:32,554 --> 00:04:33,754
I don't believe this, Joe.
120
00:04:33,822 --> 00:04:34,889
This is like
living in Russia.
121
00:04:34,957 --> 00:04:36,223
I might as well
just move there.
122
00:04:36,291 --> 00:04:37,625
You don't want to do that.
123
00:04:37,693 --> 00:04:39,594
It's dark; it's cold;
and hooking up
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00:04:39,661 --> 00:04:42,063
is just a crapshoot
'cause of all the big coats.
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00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:44,432
All right, drop
the coats on three.
126
00:04:44,499 --> 00:04:46,400
One... two...
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00:04:46,468 --> 00:04:47,468
three!
128
00:04:47,536 --> 00:04:48,769
Yeah!
Oh...
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00:04:52,741 --> 00:04:54,809
Hey, you ever
accidentally masturbate
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00:04:54,876 --> 00:04:56,510
to young pictures
of your mom?
131
00:04:56,578 --> 00:04:58,613
Who the starts
a conversation like that?
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00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,181
I just sat down.
133
00:05:00,248 --> 00:05:01,616
Geez, what's
your problem, Peter?
134
00:05:01,683 --> 00:05:03,084
I'm sorry, Quagmire.
135
00:05:03,151 --> 00:05:05,086
I'm still just upset
about the damn government
136
00:05:05,153 --> 00:05:06,587
sticking its nose
in my business.
137
00:05:06,655 --> 00:05:07,822
I hear ya.
138
00:05:07,889 --> 00:05:10,358
Wasting our tax dollars
on ridiculous causes.
139
00:05:10,425 --> 00:05:11,943
We gotta protect
bald eagles?
140
00:05:12,010 --> 00:05:13,978
Bald eagles should be allowed
to make their own decisions!
141
00:05:16,148 --> 00:05:18,616
Honey, I don't care
that you're bald.
142
00:05:18,684 --> 00:05:20,217
I find you
just as attractive.
143
00:05:20,285 --> 00:05:21,602
It's not about you.
144
00:05:21,670 --> 00:05:24,839
It's about my confidence
as an eagle architect.
145
00:05:24,906 --> 00:05:26,273
Just for Eagles will give you
146
00:05:26,341 --> 00:05:28,442
thicker, fuller,
more natural hair...
147
00:05:28,493 --> 00:05:30,962
so you can just focus
on eagle stuff.
148
00:05:31,029 --> 00:05:33,230
You're an
excellent architect.
149
00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:36,500
Freakin' government.
150
00:05:36,568 --> 00:05:38,069
Giving all the
good hoses to firemen.
151
00:05:38,136 --> 00:05:39,437
I want them hoses.
152
00:05:39,504 --> 00:05:40,871
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
153
00:05:40,939 --> 00:05:42,239
And I'm Joyce Kinney.
154
00:05:43,875 --> 00:05:45,710
Is it real
or just another excuse
155
00:05:45,777 --> 00:05:47,778
for kids these days
to forget their manners?
156
00:05:47,846 --> 00:05:49,814
But first, thousands
are expected
157
00:05:49,881 --> 00:05:51,282
for tomorrow's
Tea Party rally
158
00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:53,250
celebrating their new
Quahog headquarters.
159
00:05:53,318 --> 00:05:54,485
That's right, Joyce.
160
00:05:54,553 --> 00:05:56,320
The Tea Party has gained
a sizable following
161
00:05:56,388 --> 00:05:58,155
based on their message
of low taxes,
162
00:05:58,223 --> 00:06:00,391
limited government,
and happy birthday, Tom...
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00:06:00,459 --> 00:06:03,027
Oh, my God, you guys!
164
00:06:03,095 --> 00:06:04,395
Tea Party, huh?
165
00:06:04,463 --> 00:06:06,597
Well, I'd like to be
part of a movement,
166
00:06:06,665 --> 00:06:09,066
but what movement would want
an angry fat guy
167
00:06:09,134 --> 00:06:10,968
with a lot of opinions
who hates listening?
168
00:06:11,036 --> 00:06:13,070
For more details
on the Tea Party platform,
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00:06:13,138 --> 00:06:16,007
we now go to this
totally boss fireworks show.
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♪ ♪
171
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Oh, my God! That's everything
I believe in!
172
00:06:25,350 --> 00:06:27,758
Why are they trying
to take that away from us?
173
00:06:27,783 --> 00:06:28,319
I hear ya.
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00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:29,470
Well, that's it.
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00:06:29,538 --> 00:06:31,238
I am going down
to that rally tomorrow
176
00:06:31,306 --> 00:06:32,807
and I am joining
the Tea Party!
177
00:06:32,874 --> 00:06:35,476
Oh, wait, that's the same time
as my men's knitting club,
178
00:06:35,544 --> 00:06:37,545
although they have been
really critical lately.
179
00:06:40,282 --> 00:06:42,383
You're still not knitting
honestly, Peter.
180
00:06:42,451 --> 00:06:44,218
You're knitting like
you want us to like you.
181
00:06:44,286 --> 00:06:45,686
It's not coming from inside.
182
00:06:45,754 --> 00:06:47,388
It's very superficial.
183
00:06:47,456 --> 00:06:49,657
Thank you!
You've made my decision easier!
184
00:06:49,725 --> 00:06:51,425
Yes! That! Knit that!
185
00:06:58,345 --> 00:07:00,346
Good Tea Party morning,
everyone!
186
00:07:00,413 --> 00:07:01,847
Peter, you joined
the Tea Party?!
187
00:07:01,915 --> 00:07:03,048
That's right, Brian.
188
00:07:03,116 --> 00:07:04,483
I finally got something
better to do
189
00:07:04,551 --> 00:07:06,118
with my Saturdays
than sit at the mall
190
00:07:06,186 --> 00:07:09,088
and watch Japanese girls
laugh at normal conversation.
191
00:07:09,155 --> 00:07:11,290
So, I drove to work
this morning...
192
00:07:13,093 --> 00:07:14,493
And I had to stop
for coffee.
193
00:07:16,329 --> 00:07:18,397
So, there's a Starbucks
near my house.
194
00:07:21,835 --> 00:07:23,435
You people
are a circus.
195
00:07:23,503 --> 00:07:25,487
Finally, I'm part of
a movement of regular people
196
00:07:25,555 --> 00:07:27,322
trying to take back
our government.
197
00:07:27,390 --> 00:07:28,624
Look, the Tea Party isn't
198
00:07:28,692 --> 00:07:30,459
the grassroots movement
you think it is.
199
00:07:30,527 --> 00:07:31,927
It's actually funded
by Big Business types
200
00:07:31,995 --> 00:07:34,430
who are using you to get
the government out of their way
201
00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:35,964
so they can roll over
everyone.
202
00:07:36,032 --> 00:07:38,634
Mom held hands with a woman
at the gas station this morning.
203
00:07:38,702 --> 00:07:41,403
Don't know what that means.
Just reporting it.
204
00:07:41,471 --> 00:07:42,905
All I'm saying is
you're being used
205
00:07:42,972 --> 00:07:44,306
and you're too clueless
to know it.
206
00:07:44,391 --> 00:07:46,892
Boy, you just think
you're so superior, don't you?
207
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,428
Like that first creature
to walk on dry land.
208
00:07:50,814 --> 00:07:52,281
Hey, where'd you go?
209
00:07:52,348 --> 00:07:54,233
Ah, I went for a jog.
What's a jog?
210
00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,819
It's a great way to stay
in shape is what it is.
211
00:07:56,903 --> 00:07:58,320
Is it like a swim?
212
00:07:59,873 --> 00:08:01,940
No, no, it's, it's
nothing like a swim.
213
00:08:05,412 --> 00:08:07,596
Wow, a lot of people here today.
214
00:08:07,664 --> 00:08:09,865
Yeah. Man,
I love street fairs.
215
00:08:09,933 --> 00:08:11,200
They got rides, games,
216
00:08:11,284 --> 00:08:14,052
and ethnic food cooked horribly
by white Americans.
217
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,305
Tack-os!
Hot tack-os here!
218
00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:17,923
Oh, are those tack-os?
219
00:08:17,991 --> 00:08:19,858
You better believe
they're tack-os.
220
00:08:19,926 --> 00:08:21,493
I love tack-os!
221
00:08:21,561 --> 00:08:23,195
Especially on a
corn tor-tilla.
222
00:08:23,263 --> 00:08:27,065
Oh! I love tack-os
on a corn tor-tilla!
223
00:08:29,569 --> 00:08:31,570
Boy, they're really
against socialism.
224
00:08:31,638 --> 00:08:34,206
That's right. The Tea Party
is all about self-reliance.
225
00:08:34,274 --> 00:08:35,991
Look, there's even
a Tunnel of Self-Love.
226
00:08:44,484 --> 00:08:47,085
Would you like to buy a photo
of yourself on the ride, sir?
227
00:08:47,153 --> 00:08:48,187
No, I would not.
228
00:08:48,254 --> 00:08:49,655
Welcome, everyone!
229
00:08:49,722 --> 00:08:52,691
It's great to see
so many regular people out here.
230
00:08:52,759 --> 00:08:54,793
Folks who are tired
of big government
231
00:08:54,861 --> 00:08:56,728
and are ready to stand up
for their rights.
232
00:08:56,796 --> 00:08:58,630
Yeah!
Down with the Spend-o-crats!
233
00:08:58,698 --> 00:08:59,698
We are Marshall!
234
00:08:59,766 --> 00:09:01,667
And now, it's my privilege
235
00:09:01,734 --> 00:09:04,770
to introduce another regular,
blue-collar guy,
236
00:09:04,838 --> 00:09:08,674
our Quahog chapter spokesman:
Joe Workingman!
237
00:09:12,145 --> 00:09:15,397
Good afternoon, friends
and socioeconomic equals!
238
00:09:15,465 --> 00:09:17,633
Is anyone else out there
sick of government crap?
239
00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:19,268
Oh, my God.
240
00:09:19,352 --> 00:09:21,670
It's like he's saying everything
I'm listening to.
241
00:09:21,738 --> 00:09:23,038
That's right.
242
00:09:23,106 --> 00:09:25,174
The government wants to tell you
what foods to eat.
243
00:09:26,726 --> 00:09:28,293
And what church
you can go to.
244
00:09:30,029 --> 00:09:31,897
And that you can't
own a chimpanzee
245
00:09:31,965 --> 00:09:33,265
because you're not
responsible enough.
246
00:09:34,918 --> 00:09:36,084
I would feed it!
247
00:09:36,152 --> 00:09:37,986
Also, the government
wants to tell you
248
00:09:38,054 --> 00:09:39,488
how many children
you can have.
249
00:09:39,556 --> 00:09:41,456
What?! No!
250
00:09:41,524 --> 00:09:42,958
And the government
wants to tell you
251
00:09:43,026 --> 00:09:45,027
you can't throw
your old TVs into the river.
252
00:09:45,094 --> 00:09:47,763
Then how I supposed
to find TV?
253
00:09:47,831 --> 00:09:50,999
If you join the Tea Party,
together, we can fix all that.
254
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:53,135
But you probably don't wanna
join the Tea Party
255
00:09:53,203 --> 00:09:58,357
because all you get are these
stupid, awesome keychains!
256
00:09:58,424 --> 00:10:01,326
Oh, my God, it's the keychain
from the dream!
257
00:10:04,781 --> 00:10:07,015
I got to say that guy
made a lot of sense.
258
00:10:07,083 --> 00:10:09,251
He sure did. The government's
really gotten outta hand.
259
00:10:09,319 --> 00:10:11,453
Yeah, those bastards
have ruined everything.
260
00:10:11,521 --> 00:10:13,856
The same way the Village People
ruined any gathering
261
00:10:13,923 --> 00:10:16,258
of a cop, an Indian chief,
and a construction worker.
262
00:10:16,326 --> 00:10:19,061
Oh, my God, can we get
a picture with you guys?
263
00:10:19,128 --> 00:10:20,395
We're not those guys.
264
00:10:20,463 --> 00:10:21,830
Yes, please
leave us alone.
265
00:10:21,898 --> 00:10:23,765
We're very busy.
266
00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:25,534
Now, where were we?
Oh, yeah.
267
00:10:25,602 --> 00:10:27,536
We've gotta solve
that security problem
268
00:10:27,604 --> 00:10:29,805
for the Indian Casino
we're constructing.
269
00:10:29,873 --> 00:10:31,206
Hey, you guys want
to head to the Clam?
270
00:10:31,274 --> 00:10:33,191
I'll catch up with you.
I got to hit the john.
271
00:10:38,648 --> 00:10:40,732
Hey, buddy. Is there
a bathroom around here,
272
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,150
or a second floor window?
273
00:10:43,369 --> 00:10:44,570
Carter?!
274
00:10:44,637 --> 00:10:46,088
Oh... hey.
275
00:10:46,155 --> 00:10:47,656
You're involved
with the Tea Party?
276
00:10:47,724 --> 00:10:48,924
Wait a minute.
277
00:10:48,992 --> 00:10:50,559
This is what Brian
was warning me about:
278
00:10:50,627 --> 00:10:52,327
that the Tea Party
is run by rich guys
279
00:10:52,395 --> 00:10:53,695
who are only out for themselves.
280
00:10:53,763 --> 00:10:55,047
Brian?
281
00:10:55,098 --> 00:10:57,199
You mean that arrogant,
unemployed dog of yours?
282
00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:59,268
Peter, he's just one
of those liberal elites
283
00:10:59,335 --> 00:11:01,003
who spreads lies
and hates patriots.
284
00:11:01,070 --> 00:11:02,704
Yeah, he kinda is.
285
00:11:02,772 --> 00:11:05,707
You and I are both businessmen
who work hard and pay taxes.
286
00:11:05,775 --> 00:11:07,809
Except that I make
10,000 times what you make.
287
00:11:07,877 --> 00:11:09,745
Yeah, we're the same,
you and me.
288
00:11:09,812 --> 00:11:11,113
You know, Peter, the truth is,
289
00:11:11,180 --> 00:11:12,948
I could actually use
a regular guy like you
290
00:11:13,016 --> 00:11:14,283
to help get our message out,
291
00:11:14,350 --> 00:11:17,486
and I know
Joe Workingman agrees with me.
292
00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:19,087
Love to have you
on board, Peter.
293
00:11:19,155 --> 00:11:21,940
Wow, thanks, Joe.
You can count on me.
294
00:11:22,008 --> 00:11:23,825
Aw, Carter, you just missed
Joe Workingman.
295
00:11:25,128 --> 00:11:27,162
Oh, I think he'll
know I was here.
296
00:11:37,473 --> 00:11:39,274
I'm not sure
what's happening.
297
00:11:41,544 --> 00:11:44,146
Oh, hi, Peter.
How was your rally?
298
00:11:44,213 --> 00:11:45,781
Oh, it was great,
and now I know
299
00:11:45,848 --> 00:11:47,215
it's the right cause
to get behind
300
00:11:47,283 --> 00:11:49,551
'cause a smart guy
like your dad is involved.
301
00:11:49,619 --> 00:11:51,420
What, Carter was
at the Tea Party rally?
302
00:11:51,487 --> 00:11:52,821
Yeah, he was running
the whole thing.
303
00:11:52,889 --> 00:11:54,690
Peter, what did I tell you
about rich guys?
304
00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:56,491
Look, I know what
you're thinking, Brian,
305
00:11:56,559 --> 00:11:57,626
but don't worry;
it's all okay.
306
00:11:57,694 --> 00:11:58,994
Turns out
you're the enemy.
307
00:11:59,062 --> 00:12:00,462
They're the ones
who are on our side.
308
00:12:00,530 --> 00:12:02,030
Oh, of course,
Carter Pewterschmidt,
309
00:12:02,098 --> 00:12:04,533
an industrialist with
oil refineries in this city,
310
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:05,934
is on your side.
311
00:12:06,002 --> 00:12:07,469
He wants to get rid
of environmental regulations
312
00:12:07,537 --> 00:12:08,637
for you.
313
00:12:08,705 --> 00:12:09,972
Brian, he doesn't
get sarcasm.
314
00:12:10,039 --> 00:12:12,074
No, it's not just environmental
regulations, Ban.
315
00:12:12,141 --> 00:12:13,208
Carter wants
to get rid
316
00:12:13,276 --> 00:12:15,344
of the whole city government
of Quahog.
317
00:12:15,411 --> 00:12:18,046
He even put me in charge
of the PR campaign to do it.
318
00:12:18,114 --> 00:12:19,581
Get rid of the government?
319
00:12:19,649 --> 00:12:22,384
Peter, if I know my dad,
he's probably using you.
320
00:12:22,452 --> 00:12:24,119
Lois, I'm so glad
you're done with the dishes
321
00:12:24,187 --> 00:12:25,988
so that you can hang out
and chime in on this.
322
00:12:26,055 --> 00:12:27,990
Actually, Peter, I
haven't done the dishes.
323
00:12:28,057 --> 00:12:29,291
Oh, you haven't?
324
00:12:29,359 --> 00:12:30,692
Well, then,
I'm confused.
325
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,561
Oh, he does get sarcasm.
326
00:12:35,865 --> 00:12:37,032
All right,
now, remember,
327
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:38,767
the Tea Party is a
grassroots movement.
328
00:12:38,835 --> 00:12:40,836
We're not covered by
the lame-stream media,
329
00:12:40,903 --> 00:12:42,971
so we got to reach out to
the common man individually.
330
00:12:43,039 --> 00:12:46,091
Right, common man.
331
00:12:46,142 --> 00:12:47,676
Hello.
332
00:12:47,744 --> 00:12:50,762
Ah, geez, it's... it's a girl.
333
00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:52,614
May I speak to the man
of the house?
334
00:12:52,699 --> 00:12:55,834
This is the woman of the house,
and there is no man living here.
335
00:12:55,902 --> 00:12:57,369
No?
336
00:12:57,436 --> 00:13:00,188
W-W-What is... I-I... how are
you paying for this phone?
337
00:13:00,256 --> 00:13:02,057
I'm a lawyer.
338
00:13:02,125 --> 00:13:04,292
Oh, I see, and are you
in your little courthouse
339
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:05,861
right now
representing Barbie?
340
00:13:07,296 --> 00:13:09,314
Okay, one vote
for the Tea Party.
341
00:13:09,382 --> 00:13:11,116
All right, kiss
government good-bye.
342
00:13:11,184 --> 00:13:13,785
Yeah, I can't wait to fire
all them city employees,
343
00:13:13,853 --> 00:13:16,254
starting with that half-asleep
construction worker.
344
00:13:23,079 --> 00:13:24,329
What the hell?
345
00:13:24,397 --> 00:13:25,864
W-W-Which one is it--
stop or go forward?
346
00:13:25,932 --> 00:13:26,848
This is a big deal.
347
00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:27,833
They're not at all similar.
348
00:13:30,620 --> 00:13:32,037
Ah, no, no, no, no.
349
00:13:32,105 --> 00:13:33,939
You, sir, have lost my business.
350
00:14:02,118 --> 00:14:04,569
People, please,
first things first.
351
00:14:04,637 --> 00:14:07,672
Is there anyone here
for the couch off of Craigslist?
352
00:14:07,740 --> 00:14:08,507
I am.
353
00:14:08,574 --> 00:14:10,408
Oh, good, come on in.
354
00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:16,481
That is the picture
from Craigslist.
355
00:14:16,549 --> 00:14:17,482
No way it is.
356
00:14:17,550 --> 00:14:18,483
It is.
357
00:14:18,551 --> 00:14:21,119
No way it is.
358
00:14:21,187 --> 00:14:23,038
All right, what do
the rest of you want?
359
00:14:23,106 --> 00:14:25,173
We want the city government
shut down.
360
00:14:27,260 --> 00:14:28,610
Oh, I see.
361
00:14:28,678 --> 00:14:31,146
And all of you feel
the same way?
362
00:14:31,214 --> 00:14:32,347
- Yes!
- No!
363
00:14:32,415 --> 00:14:34,116
Yes!
364
00:14:34,183 --> 00:14:36,718
Well, I'm nothing
if not a public servant,
365
00:14:36,786 --> 00:14:38,920
and the public has made
its feelings known.
366
00:14:38,988 --> 00:14:43,358
I hereby declare Quahog's
city government disbanded.
367
00:14:45,678 --> 00:14:50,415
It has been my pleasure to serve
you, and now I take my leave.
368
00:14:51,818 --> 00:14:53,718
This column is mine.
369
00:14:53,786 --> 00:14:56,121
I brought it from home.
370
00:15:01,961 --> 00:15:03,462
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
371
00:15:03,529 --> 00:15:06,565
Our top story: Quahog is now
completely government-free,
372
00:15:06,632 --> 00:15:09,868
which means I'm free
of all broadcast regulations,
373
00:15:09,936 --> 00:15:12,237
so no more trips to the bathroom
for this reporter,
374
00:15:12,305 --> 00:15:14,639
just a big-ass coffee can
under the desk.
375
00:15:19,812 --> 00:15:21,363
Hello, family.
376
00:15:21,431 --> 00:15:23,332
Peter, what the hell
were you doing out there?
377
00:15:23,399 --> 00:15:25,734
You know, for years I've been
sick of taking the roads home,
378
00:15:25,802 --> 00:15:27,302
so today I took the yards.
379
00:15:27,370 --> 00:15:28,603
Didn't hit one light.
380
00:15:28,671 --> 00:15:30,072
Man, getting rid
of the government has been
381
00:15:30,139 --> 00:15:32,374
the best thing to happen
around here in a long time.
382
00:15:32,442 --> 00:15:33,959
That's right.
383
00:15:34,027 --> 00:15:36,028
Without government I'm free
to take a lot of mescaline
384
00:15:36,095 --> 00:15:38,030
and drive to Vegas.
385
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:43,985
Wait till you see
Debbie Reynolds on stage.
386
00:15:44,053 --> 00:15:45,771
Yeah, and now
my Spanish teacher and I
387
00:15:45,838 --> 00:15:47,906
can finally hold hands
in the halls.
388
00:15:47,974 --> 00:15:50,525
¿Meg, dónde está
la biblioteca?
389
00:15:50,610 --> 00:15:53,345
Because I'm going to bang you
in the biblioteca.
390
00:15:53,413 --> 00:15:55,080
Well, I'm glad you're all
enjoying your freedom,
391
00:15:55,147 --> 00:15:56,948
but have you taken a look
out the window lately?
392
00:15:59,502 --> 00:16:00,602
What is that?
393
00:16:00,670 --> 00:16:02,237
Where's all that
smoke coming from?
394
00:16:02,305 --> 00:16:04,406
The Pewterschmidt Industries
refinery,
395
00:16:04,474 --> 00:16:07,109
and it's not smoke;
it's a giant cloud of pollution.
396
00:16:07,176 --> 00:16:08,660
Oh, my God.
397
00:16:08,711 --> 00:16:11,396
If that gets past the bad
neighborhoods and reaches us,
398
00:16:11,464 --> 00:16:12,997
that's going to be
a big problem.
399
00:16:13,049 --> 00:16:13,999
They can't do that.
400
00:16:14,067 --> 00:16:15,167
We should report them.
401
00:16:15,234 --> 00:16:16,518
To who?
There's no government.
402
00:16:16,586 --> 00:16:19,471
Then it's up to us, the
people, to find a solution.
403
00:16:19,539 --> 00:16:21,423
Close the curtains.
404
00:16:21,491 --> 00:16:22,974
Ah, Tea Party.
405
00:16:23,042 --> 00:16:25,577
Damn it, this is what I was
afraid was going to happen.
406
00:16:25,645 --> 00:16:27,612
This town is going
to go to hell.
407
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,347
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
408
00:16:29,415 --> 00:16:31,199
You may kiss
the bride.
409
00:16:32,835 --> 00:16:34,703
I'm glad we waited.
410
00:16:40,243 --> 00:16:42,294
Giraffity.
411
00:16:42,361 --> 00:16:43,895
Yeah, see,
that's not mine.
412
00:16:43,963 --> 00:16:46,231
Hey, Mort, what gives
with the blond hair?
413
00:16:46,299 --> 00:16:48,066
Yeah, you look
weird like that.
414
00:16:48,134 --> 00:16:50,969
Historically, in instances
of mass lawlessness,
415
00:16:51,037 --> 00:16:54,423
the first thing they do
is round up the Jews.
416
00:16:54,490 --> 00:16:57,209
Excuse me, fellow Aryan,
have you seen any Jews around?
417
00:16:57,276 --> 00:16:58,477
Is there a reward?
418
00:16:58,544 --> 00:17:00,645
Wait a minute.
Are you Jewish?
419
00:17:00,713 --> 00:17:03,815
I mean, uh,
unashamed locker room nudity.
420
00:17:03,883 --> 00:17:05,150
This guy's kosher.
421
00:17:05,218 --> 00:17:06,151
Oops.
422
00:17:06,219 --> 00:17:07,385
Let's get him!
423
00:17:11,457 --> 00:17:12,824
Good afternoon,
I'm Tom Tucker.
424
00:17:12,892 --> 00:17:15,627
It's day five of the new
government-less Quahog,
425
00:17:15,695 --> 00:17:17,529
and I'm wearing
a T-shirt.
426
00:17:17,597 --> 00:17:19,531
Tom, I don't think
the government
427
00:17:19,599 --> 00:17:20,966
was requiring you
to wear a suit.
428
00:17:21,033 --> 00:17:23,468
Well, they were stopping me
from punching you in the face.
429
00:17:23,536 --> 00:17:24,669
Is that what you want?
430
00:17:24,737 --> 00:17:25,904
No, you know what?
You know what?
431
00:17:25,955 --> 00:17:27,122
Give me your wallet.
What?
432
00:17:27,190 --> 00:17:28,924
You heard me,
I said give me your wallet.
433
00:17:30,476 --> 00:17:31,743
This is a crappy wallet.
434
00:17:31,811 --> 00:17:33,912
You have bad stuff.
435
00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:34,963
Oh, what the hell?
436
00:17:35,031 --> 00:17:37,115
Lois, the TV
went off again.
437
00:17:37,183 --> 00:17:38,717
It's the
electricity, Peter.
438
00:17:38,784 --> 00:17:41,419
There are power lines down,
and there's no one to fix 'em.
439
00:17:41,487 --> 00:17:43,488
The cops don't come,
the toilets don't flush,
440
00:17:43,556 --> 00:17:45,957
and there's garbage
piling up in the streets.
441
00:17:46,025 --> 00:17:48,460
Ryan Phillippe's been
out there for days.
442
00:17:48,528 --> 00:17:50,629
Would anyone like
to be impregnated?
443
00:17:50,696 --> 00:17:52,280
We had a nice town, Peter.
444
00:17:52,348 --> 00:17:53,915
I had a nice life,
445
00:17:53,983 --> 00:17:57,869
but you and your antigovernment
buddies ruined it.
446
00:17:57,937 --> 00:17:59,988
Hey, so how's that
Tea Party going, huh?
447
00:18:00,056 --> 00:18:02,357
More like
T.P. Party.
448
00:18:02,425 --> 00:18:04,459
Toilet paper.
449
00:18:04,527 --> 00:18:05,861
I don't know
what happened, Brian.
450
00:18:05,928 --> 00:18:07,896
Not having a government
worked great in Somalia,
451
00:18:07,964 --> 00:18:09,865
but somehow we seem
to have botched it all up.
452
00:18:09,932 --> 00:18:11,600
Looks that way.
453
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:13,298
Wait a minute. There might be
a way out of this.
454
00:18:13,323 --> 00:18:14,019
What?
455
00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:15,654
We just talk to the guy
who got us into this.
456
00:18:15,721 --> 00:18:16,922
He'll know what to do.
457
00:18:29,752 --> 00:18:32,020
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
458
00:18:32,088 --> 00:18:33,355
Go away.
459
00:18:33,422 --> 00:18:35,724
But, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you got to do something.
460
00:18:35,791 --> 00:18:37,692
The potholes ain't
getting fixed no more.
461
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,594
The stoplights ain't working.
462
00:18:39,662 --> 00:18:42,297
Tampon commercials
no longer use blue liquids
463
00:18:42,365 --> 00:18:43,765
in their demonstrations.
464
00:18:46,002 --> 00:18:47,969
Make it blue.
That's always been the deal!
465
00:18:48,037 --> 00:18:50,505
You show whatever you want,
but you make it blue!
466
00:18:50,573 --> 00:18:51,673
Come on.
You got to help us out.
467
00:18:51,741 --> 00:18:52,874
Go to hell.
468
00:18:52,942 --> 00:18:54,342
I don't think he's going
to help, Peter.
469
00:18:54,410 --> 00:18:56,711
But if rich people aren't
looking out for us, who is?
470
00:18:56,779 --> 00:18:58,680
Well, maybe we need
to look out for each other.
471
00:18:58,748 --> 00:19:01,583
Come on, Brian.
It's time to make this right.
472
00:19:01,651 --> 00:19:05,136
Wait, before you go,
take two steps to the left.
473
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:06,121
Look up.
474
00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:08,373
Okay, smile.
475
00:19:08,441 --> 00:19:09,841
Aw, I suck.
476
00:19:18,985 --> 00:19:21,937
People of Quahog,
I have something to say.
477
00:19:22,004 --> 00:19:23,538
Now that we've
freed ourselves
478
00:19:23,606 --> 00:19:25,407
from the terrible
shackles of government,
479
00:19:25,474 --> 00:19:27,742
it's time to replace it
with something better.
480
00:19:30,479 --> 00:19:32,914
The first thing we need
is a system of rules
481
00:19:32,982 --> 00:19:34,583
that everyone
must live by.
482
00:19:36,435 --> 00:19:37,802
Got to have rules.
483
00:19:37,870 --> 00:19:39,738
And since we can't spend
all our time making rules,
484
00:19:39,805 --> 00:19:42,641
I think that we should elect
some people to represent us,
485
00:19:42,708 --> 00:19:45,527
and they should make rules
and choices on our behalf.
486
00:19:46,812 --> 00:19:49,547
That's probably a good idea.
487
00:19:49,615 --> 00:19:52,300
Now, this may be kind of
expensive, so I got a plan:
488
00:19:52,368 --> 00:19:53,768
everyone should have
to give some money
489
00:19:53,836 --> 00:19:55,604
from their salaries
each year.
490
00:19:55,671 --> 00:19:57,472
Poor people will give
a little bit of money
491
00:19:57,540 --> 00:19:59,474
and rich people will give
a larger amount of money,
492
00:19:59,542 --> 00:20:01,910
and our representatives
will use all that money
493
00:20:01,978 --> 00:20:03,912
to hire some people
who will then provide us
494
00:20:03,980 --> 00:20:05,981
with social order
and basic services.
495
00:20:09,952 --> 00:20:13,254
Ugh, there's not one shirt
I wish I had out there.
496
00:20:13,322 --> 00:20:14,756
Now, it won't be perfect.
497
00:20:14,824 --> 00:20:17,508
Some of our representatives
may end up being bastards.
498
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,144
But you know what?
That's okay
499
00:20:19,195 --> 00:20:20,812
'cause later we're going to have
more elections,
500
00:20:20,863 --> 00:20:23,365
and we can use those elections
to get rid of the bad guys
501
00:20:23,449 --> 00:20:24,783
and replace 'em with good guys,
502
00:20:24,850 --> 00:20:26,935
and then the system
will just keep going on and on
503
00:20:27,003 --> 00:20:28,036
just like that.
504
00:20:29,355 --> 00:20:30,388
So who's with me?
505
00:20:33,426 --> 00:20:36,077
Will you join me
in trying this new crazy thing?
506
00:20:40,198 --> 00:20:42,149
Then let's do it.
507
00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:47,364
Yeah, and we did it all
without government.
508
00:20:47,933 --> 00:20:49,183
I'm very proud
of you, Peter.
509
00:20:49,853 --> 00:20:52,187
Oh, Lois, that means
nothing to me.
510
00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:54,811
I only care what they say on
the Internet message boards.
511
00:20:55,253 --> 00:20:59,253
== sync, corrected by elderman ==