1
00:00:04,321 --> 00:00:07,389
Narrator:
Stewie Griffin--
scientist, inventor, infant.
2
00:00:07,472 --> 00:00:09,940
Searching for a way to tap
into the hidden strengths
3
00:00:09,974 --> 00:00:11,008
That all humans have.
4
00:00:11,075 --> 00:00:12,609
Then an accidental overdose
5
00:00:12,677 --> 00:00:14,878
Of gamma radiation
alters his body chemistry.
6
00:00:14,946 --> 00:00:16,580
(thunder rumbles)
7
00:00:16,647 --> 00:00:19,400
And now whenever stewie griffin
grows angry or outraged,
8
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,877
A startling metamorphosis occurs.
9
00:00:22,025 --> 00:00:24,927
Oh, I hurt myself changing a tire!
10
00:00:27,831 --> 00:00:28,798
(thunder rumbles)
11
00:00:32,019 --> 00:00:34,654
NARRATOR:
The creature is driven by rage
12
00:00:34,738 --> 00:00:36,739
and pursued by
an investigative reporter.
13
00:00:36,807 --> 00:00:38,841
Mr. Tucker, don't
make me angry.
14
00:00:38,909 --> 00:00:40,476
You wouldn't like
me when I'm angry.
15
00:00:40,566 --> 00:00:44,566
♪ Family Guy 9x10 ♪
And I'm Joyce Kinney
Original Air Date on January 16, 2011
16
00:00:44,666 --> 00:00:48,166
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==
== for www.addic7ed.com ==
17
00:00:51,588 --> 00:00:54,757
NARRATOR:
The creature is wanted for
a murder he didn't commit.
18
00:00:54,825 --> 00:00:58,060
Stewie Griffin
is believed to be dead.
19
00:00:58,128 --> 00:01:00,696
And he must let the world
think that he is dead,
20
00:01:00,764 --> 00:01:02,765
until he can find a way
to control
21
00:01:02,833 --> 00:01:05,501
the raging spirit
that dwells within him.
22
00:01:05,569 --> 00:01:06,936
(roars)
23
00:01:15,512 --> 00:01:18,347
Oh, come on, can we please
change the channel?
24
00:01:18,415 --> 00:01:19,682
I can't stand
local news.
25
00:01:19,750 --> 00:01:21,484
No, Brian.
The new female anchor
26
00:01:21,552 --> 00:01:23,653
is about to do that
Child of the Month segment.
27
00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:25,087
I like her.
28
00:01:25,155 --> 00:01:27,089
Good evening,
I'm Joyce Kinney.
29
00:01:27,157 --> 00:01:29,425
And this is April's
Child of the Month,
30
00:01:29,493 --> 00:01:31,661
eight-year-old Angus Reed.
31
00:01:31,728 --> 00:01:33,896
Angus was born
with cerebral palsy.
32
00:01:33,964 --> 00:01:37,199
And his only wish is to one day
become a famous heart surgeon.
33
00:01:37,267 --> 00:01:40,036
All I want to do is help people.
34
00:01:40,103 --> 00:01:42,104
Child of the Month, Angus Reed.
35
00:01:42,172 --> 00:01:43,639
Good luck with
your dream, Angus.
36
00:01:43,707 --> 00:01:44,840
We believe in you.
37
00:01:44,908 --> 00:01:46,275
What a weird little guy.
38
00:01:46,343 --> 00:01:47,543
Thanks, Joyce.
39
00:01:47,611 --> 00:01:49,612
How old do they usually
live to be, by the way?
40
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,414
Well, you never see
a gray-haired one.
41
00:01:51,481 --> 00:01:53,916
Ah, so inspiring.
42
00:01:53,984 --> 00:01:56,852
(church bells ringing)
43
00:02:01,325 --> 00:02:02,959
Mom, there's a row
open up there.
44
00:02:03,026 --> 00:02:05,027
Oh, good, I like
sitting in the front.
45
00:02:05,095 --> 00:02:06,362
Me, too.
46
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:07,830
I didn't dress up
not to be seen.
47
00:02:10,767 --> 00:02:13,135
Hey, you, go easy on
the communion wine today.
48
00:02:13,203 --> 00:02:15,504
Don't want another one
of your drunken mishaps.
49
00:02:15,572 --> 00:02:17,106
(baby talk):
Let me get at that belly.
50
00:02:17,174 --> 00:02:18,341
Let me kiss that belly.
(laughing)
51
00:02:18,408 --> 00:02:19,375
Stop it!
Cut it out!
52
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:20,643
I'm gonna give you
a flubber kiss.
53
00:02:20,711 --> 00:02:21,644
Oh, Lois,
that tickles!
54
00:02:21,712 --> 00:02:23,946
Flubber-belly,
pork-belly Stewie.
55
00:02:24,014 --> 00:02:25,815
(blows raspberries)
56
00:02:25,882 --> 00:02:27,183
(both laughing)
57
00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:29,318
Ah, give me that belly!
58
00:02:29,386 --> 00:02:31,420
(blows raspberries)
59
00:02:31,471 --> 00:02:33,322
(groaning)
(coughing)
60
00:02:33,390 --> 00:02:35,691
(screaming)
61
00:02:35,759 --> 00:02:36,826
Oh, my God!
62
00:02:36,893 --> 00:02:39,228
(screaming)
63
00:02:39,296 --> 00:02:40,763
I'm sorry.
(chuckles)
64
00:02:40,831 --> 00:02:43,332
I got a little nervous.
65
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,835
It's just,
I like you so much.
66
00:02:45,902 --> 00:02:48,704
Please turn to hymn number 487.
67
00:02:48,772 --> 00:02:51,741
(organ playing hymn)
68
00:02:51,808 --> 00:02:58,080
♪ If we praise Jesus
by singing all together ♪
69
00:02:58,131 --> 00:03:03,002
♪ It makes this whole exercise
seem less bizarre ♪
70
00:03:03,086 --> 00:03:05,788
♪ Than it really is
when you actually stand back ♪
71
00:03:05,856 --> 00:03:08,924
♪ And examine it
with some objectivity ♪
72
00:03:08,992 --> 00:03:13,963
♪ Amen. ♪
73
00:03:14,031 --> 00:03:15,931
PRIEST:
Please be seated.
74
00:03:15,999 --> 00:03:18,601
Let me remind you all that
this Saturday at 5:00 p.m.,
75
00:03:18,669 --> 00:03:20,803
we'll have vespers,
not to be confused
76
00:03:20,871 --> 00:03:22,471
with the Italian motor scooter.
77
00:03:22,539 --> 00:03:26,375
(polite laughter,
Lois laughing loudly)
78
00:03:26,443 --> 00:03:28,277
(Lois continues laughing)
79
00:03:28,345 --> 00:03:30,780
LOIS:
Vespers!
80
00:03:30,847 --> 00:03:32,782
And don't forget, next weekend,
81
00:03:32,849 --> 00:03:35,017
we will have the Sunday
afternoon family picnic--
82
00:03:35,085 --> 00:03:37,386
as God said to Noah--
weather permitting.
83
00:03:37,454 --> 00:03:39,789
(polite laughter,
Lois laughing loudly)
84
00:03:39,856 --> 00:03:42,224
(Lois continues laughing)
85
00:03:42,292 --> 00:03:43,859
Stop it!
86
00:03:43,927 --> 00:03:46,095
And another reminder:
When you arrive to mass,
87
00:03:46,163 --> 00:03:48,197
please do not park
behind the rectory.
88
00:03:48,265 --> 00:03:51,734
As the Corinthians said to
the Galatians, "That's my land."
89
00:03:51,802 --> 00:03:52,868
(polite laughter,
Lois laughing loudly)
90
00:03:52,936 --> 00:03:54,236
Oh, ho, ho!
91
00:03:54,304 --> 00:03:55,871
Look out, Gallagher!
92
00:03:55,939 --> 00:03:57,106
PETER:
Stop kissing ass.
93
00:03:58,942 --> 00:03:59,875
Bless you.
94
00:03:59,943 --> 00:04:00,876
Have a wonderful day.
95
00:04:00,944 --> 00:04:01,777
Thank you, Father.
96
00:04:03,914 --> 00:04:05,414
Hey, nice talk, chief.
97
00:04:05,482 --> 00:04:07,383
There you go.
Buy the wife something pretty.
98
00:04:07,451 --> 00:04:10,219
Oh, Father, your homily
was so moving today.
99
00:04:10,287 --> 00:04:11,487
Thank you, Lois.
100
00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:13,389
And thank you for
the great job you did
101
00:04:13,457 --> 00:04:15,291
with the rummage sale for
the needy last weekend.
102
00:04:15,358 --> 00:04:17,426
Oh, it was my pleasure.
103
00:04:17,494 --> 00:04:20,930
You know, I accidentally almost
put a cashmere sweater in there.
104
00:04:20,997 --> 00:04:22,431
Can you believe?
(chuckles)
105
00:04:22,499 --> 00:04:24,934
What would one of them do
with a cashmere sweater?
106
00:04:25,001 --> 00:04:27,603
You know, Lois, we also
have a bake sale coming up,
107
00:04:27,671 --> 00:04:29,305
and we're short
about eight pies.
108
00:04:29,372 --> 00:04:31,407
Well, I'll hit the grocery store
this afternoon
109
00:04:31,475 --> 00:04:32,708
and get to work.
110
00:04:32,776 --> 00:04:33,776
PETER:
Okay, Lois, bye!
111
00:04:33,844 --> 00:04:34,877
Bye, church!
112
00:04:34,945 --> 00:04:36,078
Bye, church guy!
113
00:04:36,146 --> 00:04:37,947
Bye, unending conversation!
114
00:04:38,014 --> 00:04:39,448
Bye, terrible church people!
115
00:04:39,516 --> 00:04:40,549
Bye!
116
00:04:45,155 --> 00:04:48,357
My God, does everything have
to have a mascot these days?
117
00:04:48,425 --> 00:04:51,460
I mean, look, there's a lion in
overalls on the aluminum foil.
118
00:04:51,528 --> 00:04:53,262
I mean, wh-who
is that for?
119
00:04:53,330 --> 00:04:54,764
No, Lois, don't
get that one!
120
00:04:54,831 --> 00:04:56,866
Get the one with the
lion in overalls!
121
00:04:56,933 --> 00:04:58,968
(gasps)
Oh, my God, look!
122
00:04:59,035 --> 00:05:01,670
It's Joyce Kinney
from Channel Five.
123
00:05:01,738 --> 00:05:03,873
Excuse me, Miss Kinney?
124
00:05:03,940 --> 00:05:07,276
I don't mean to bother you,
but my name is Lois Griffin.
125
00:05:07,344 --> 00:05:09,845
I-I am a huge fan,
and I just think
126
00:05:09,913 --> 00:05:11,997
you are doing
a fantastic job.
127
00:05:12,065 --> 00:05:14,400
And after what I went through
with Diane Simmons,
128
00:05:14,468 --> 00:05:15,734
well, let me
just say it's nice
129
00:05:15,802 --> 00:05:18,104
to be standing here
with no one trying to murder me.
130
00:05:18,171 --> 00:05:19,839
Yeah, no, you're fine.
131
00:05:19,906 --> 00:05:22,274
Oh, well, that's very
nice of you to say.
132
00:05:22,342 --> 00:05:24,343
You know, it's my
first anchoring job,
133
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:25,978
and I'm trying to make
a good impression.
134
00:05:26,046 --> 00:05:28,013
I love the "Child
of the Month" segment.
135
00:05:28,081 --> 00:05:30,249
We just watched that one
with the little goofball
136
00:05:30,317 --> 00:05:32,151
who thought he was
going to be a doctor.
137
00:05:32,219 --> 00:05:35,221
Ah, I can't believe
I'm actually meeting you.
138
00:05:35,288 --> 00:05:37,523
You know, the news is so much
better with you on it.
139
00:05:37,591 --> 00:05:39,258
Well, you know, Lois,
140
00:05:39,326 --> 00:05:41,594
I'm on my way back to
the station after lunch.
141
00:05:41,661 --> 00:05:43,262
I'd be happy to
give you a tour.
142
00:05:43,330 --> 00:05:46,866
Oh, my goodness.
That'd be wonderful.
143
00:05:46,933 --> 00:05:48,400
Great. Why don't
you come down
144
00:05:48,468 --> 00:05:49,685
to the station
around 6:00?
145
00:05:49,753 --> 00:05:50,753
You can watch
the broadcast.
146
00:05:50,821 --> 00:05:52,771
Okay. I'll see you then.
147
00:05:55,175 --> 00:05:56,826
Oh, wait-wait.
148
00:05:56,893 --> 00:05:58,177
BILF.
Total BILF.
149
00:06:00,263 --> 00:06:01,397
Yeah, so, going pretty good.
150
00:06:01,464 --> 00:06:04,233
I got six pacifiers now.
151
00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:05,835
That was a big nothing.
152
00:06:09,671 --> 00:06:11,805
And Julie Andrews
pleaded not guilty,
153
00:06:11,873 --> 00:06:13,073
saying that she
brought the gun
154
00:06:13,141 --> 00:06:14,575
to the nightclub
for protection.
155
00:06:14,643 --> 00:06:17,111
And that's all for today's
Channel Five News at 6:00.
156
00:06:17,178 --> 00:06:18,412
Oh, I almost forgot.
157
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:19,880
That little girl
is still missing.
158
00:06:19,948 --> 00:06:21,532
Do we have a picture?
159
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,767
Do we... We-we don't?
We don't have a picture?
160
00:06:23,835 --> 00:06:25,436
Okay, we don't have
a picture. Okay.
161
00:06:25,503 --> 00:06:27,037
But she's...
She's Puerto Rican.
162
00:06:27,105 --> 00:06:30,174
So look out
for a Puerto Rican.
163
00:06:30,242 --> 00:06:33,744
(news theme playing)
164
00:06:33,812 --> 00:06:36,513
We're clear.
165
00:06:36,581 --> 00:06:38,382
That was so much
fun to watch.
166
00:06:38,450 --> 00:06:39,783
What a pro you are.
167
00:06:39,851 --> 00:06:41,118
Lois,
you've met Tom Tucker.
168
00:06:41,186 --> 00:06:42,720
Oh, yes, of course.
169
00:06:42,787 --> 00:06:44,154
I loved that
piece you did
170
00:06:44,222 --> 00:06:45,623
on the invention
of the guillotine.
171
00:06:45,690 --> 00:06:46,857
Oh, thank you.
You know,
172
00:06:46,925 --> 00:06:48,559
half the time those things
didn't really work.
173
00:06:48,627 --> 00:06:50,194
How was it, honey?
174
00:06:50,262 --> 00:06:51,795
Ah, they couldn't finish.
175
00:06:51,863 --> 00:06:52,997
Oh, really?
176
00:06:53,064 --> 00:06:54,531
Yeah, I got
to go back tomorrow.
177
00:06:54,599 --> 00:06:56,033
Oh, well, I made
cabbage for dinner.
178
00:06:56,101 --> 00:06:59,470
Yeah, that would be
the ending to this day.
179
00:06:59,537 --> 00:07:01,205
In here is our editor, Mike.
180
00:07:01,273 --> 00:07:02,573
They let him smoke inside
181
00:07:02,641 --> 00:07:03,807
because all the smoke
from his cigarette
182
00:07:03,875 --> 00:07:05,709
just floats directly back up
into his face.
183
00:07:05,777 --> 00:07:07,344
(hoarsely): Hey, Joyce,
when you get a chance,
184
00:07:07,412 --> 00:07:09,480
come take a look
at the Weekapaug thing.
185
00:07:09,547 --> 00:07:11,715
Oh, this is all
so fascinating.
186
00:07:11,783 --> 00:07:13,350
You must have
so many stories.
187
00:07:13,418 --> 00:07:16,487
Well, look, if you want to grab
a drink with me later tonight,
188
00:07:16,554 --> 00:07:18,188
I'd be happy to
tell you some.
189
00:07:18,256 --> 00:07:20,157
Oh, my God,
I would love to.
190
00:07:20,225 --> 00:07:21,458
Look at me, huh?
191
00:07:21,526 --> 00:07:23,694
Stepping out on the town
with a big celebrity.
192
00:07:23,762 --> 00:07:25,829
Well, I think
you're exaggerating.
193
00:07:25,897 --> 00:07:29,266
No, you're a lady big shot,
like Miss Piggy.
194
00:07:29,334 --> 00:07:30,734
Hey, Kermit.
195
00:07:30,802 --> 00:07:32,803
What happened to the
"Bears in Space" sketch?
196
00:07:32,871 --> 00:07:34,605
Sorry, it's
"Pigs in Space" now.
197
00:07:34,673 --> 00:07:35,906
There's been a change.
198
00:07:35,974 --> 00:07:37,441
What?
There's been a change!
199
00:07:40,779 --> 00:07:42,179
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to
200
00:07:42,247 --> 00:07:44,581
Ellen Only Talks
When Her Guest Is Talking.
201
00:07:44,649 --> 00:07:45,849
So, you want to
hear about my movie?
202
00:07:45,917 --> 00:07:47,217
I had a great weekend.
We spent three
203
00:07:47,285 --> 00:07:48,752
months shooting
in Louisiana.
204
00:07:48,820 --> 00:07:50,254
I danced all over my house.
And, you know, it's a thriller.
205
00:07:50,322 --> 00:07:51,822
It's really a love story, too.
I try to dance in every room
206
00:07:51,890 --> 00:07:53,657
at least once a week. I also
listen to jazz while I vacuum,
207
00:07:53,725 --> 00:07:55,359
which is cool.
208
00:07:55,427 --> 00:07:56,860
Anyway, it comes out
Friday. I got to work
209
00:07:56,928 --> 00:07:58,429
with Julianna Marguiles.
My pets were going wild
210
00:07:58,496 --> 00:07:59,930
all weekend. I think there's,
like, something in the air.
211
00:07:59,998 --> 00:08:01,432
Could not have been nicer.
Like smog or pollen.
212
00:08:01,499 --> 00:08:03,567
Or pollinated smog, or...
213
00:08:03,635 --> 00:08:05,069
Are you just gonna talk
214
00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:06,870
over everything that I say?
I love talking on TV.
215
00:08:06,938 --> 00:08:08,672
I'll-I'll do anything
to talk on TV.
216
00:08:08,740 --> 00:08:10,641
Hiya, lame asses.
217
00:08:10,709 --> 00:08:13,610
(all shouting in protest)
218
00:08:13,678 --> 00:08:15,179
Whoa. We were having
a nice time.
219
00:08:15,246 --> 00:08:17,147
Sorry. I'm just
painfully aware
220
00:08:17,215 --> 00:08:18,882
that I'm the only
member of this family
221
00:08:18,950 --> 00:08:22,186
who's going out for drinks
with a celebrity tonight.
222
00:08:22,253 --> 00:08:23,587
What are you talking about?
223
00:08:23,655 --> 00:08:25,923
Joyce Kinney invited
me out for drinks.
224
00:08:25,990 --> 00:08:27,157
(laughs)
225
00:08:27,225 --> 00:08:28,926
So just order a pizza
or something, okay?
226
00:08:28,993 --> 00:08:30,527
See you guys later.
227
00:08:30,595 --> 00:08:32,830
Man, I hate calling
that pizza place.
228
00:08:32,897 --> 00:08:34,798
They don't speak English, and
they always mess up the order.
229
00:08:34,866 --> 00:08:37,601
It's like trying to give my cell
phone number to the housekeeper.
230
00:08:37,669 --> 00:08:40,304
Okay, I'm expecting a very
important delivery at the house.
231
00:08:40,372 --> 00:08:41,872
So, could you please
call me if it arrives?
232
00:08:41,940 --> 00:08:42,940
I'll give you
my cell number.
233
00:08:43,007 --> 00:08:44,308
Okay. Yes.
234
00:08:44,376 --> 00:08:46,410
No problem.
Give me number.
235
00:08:46,478 --> 00:08:51,181
Okay. 401-555-1125.
236
00:08:51,249 --> 00:08:53,717
Four...
237
00:08:54,819 --> 00:08:56,787
(sighs)
Four, zero...
238
00:08:56,855 --> 00:08:59,623
Four, four, zero...
239
00:08:59,691 --> 00:09:01,058
No, no, I was just
repeating the four.
240
00:09:01,126 --> 00:09:02,259
One four.
241
00:09:02,327 --> 00:09:05,062
One, four...
242
00:09:05,130 --> 00:09:06,130
All right,
let's start over.
243
00:09:06,197 --> 00:09:07,998
Four, zero, one.
244
00:09:08,066 --> 00:09:09,233
Four.
245
00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:10,567
Zero.
246
00:09:10,635 --> 00:09:11,869
Zero...
247
00:09:11,936 --> 00:09:12,903
One.
248
00:09:12,971 --> 00:09:14,004
One.
249
00:09:14,072 --> 00:09:16,173
Four, zero, one.
Yes.
250
00:09:16,241 --> 00:09:18,108
Five, five, five.
251
00:09:18,176 --> 00:09:21,678
Five. Five. Five.
252
00:09:21,746 --> 00:09:22,913
That was painless.
253
00:09:22,981 --> 00:09:25,682
Okay.
One, one, two, five.
254
00:09:25,750 --> 00:09:28,485
One one, two five.
255
00:09:28,553 --> 00:09:29,887
There you go, you got it.
256
00:09:29,954 --> 00:09:31,255
One, five, five.
257
00:09:31,322 --> 00:09:32,523
What?
258
00:09:32,590 --> 00:09:35,793
You say, "One one,
two fives."
259
00:09:35,860 --> 00:09:37,828
One, five, five.
260
00:09:37,896 --> 00:09:39,630
No, no. Not one one
and two fives.
261
00:09:39,697 --> 00:09:40,931
Two ones.
262
00:09:40,999 --> 00:09:44,935
Two, one, one,
one, two, five.
263
00:09:45,003 --> 00:09:46,136
Oh, my God.
264
00:09:46,204 --> 00:09:48,105
Okay. How many ones?
265
00:09:48,173 --> 00:09:49,940
I'm not giving you
quantities of the numbers,
266
00:09:50,008 --> 00:09:51,175
I'm giving you the numbers.
267
00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:52,376
One, one, two, five.
268
00:09:52,444 --> 00:09:53,710
Those are the
last four numbers.
269
00:09:53,778 --> 00:09:56,146
Okay, one...
270
00:09:56,214 --> 00:09:57,748
One, one.
271
00:09:57,816 --> 00:10:00,017
One, one.
272
00:10:00,084 --> 00:10:01,452
Two.
Two.
273
00:10:01,519 --> 00:10:02,653
Five.
274
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,555
Five. Oh, I see.
275
00:10:04,622 --> 00:10:06,390
One, one, two, five.
276
00:10:06,458 --> 00:10:08,158
Yes! One, one, two, five.
277
00:10:08,226 --> 00:10:09,359
All right, now,
read the number back to me.
278
00:10:09,427 --> 00:10:12,229
L-Let me get my pen.
279
00:10:15,967 --> 00:10:18,769
And that's why whenever
I have sex without protection,
280
00:10:18,837 --> 00:10:20,971
I call it, "taking
a John Chancellor."
281
00:10:21,039 --> 00:10:23,240
(both laughing)
282
00:10:23,308 --> 00:10:27,044
Oh, my God, Joyce, you've
got so many great stories.
283
00:10:27,111 --> 00:10:28,779
Oh, come on,
I'm sure
284
00:10:28,847 --> 00:10:30,814
you've done some
crazy stuff in your time.
285
00:10:30,882 --> 00:10:32,182
Well...
286
00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:33,851
Oh, what is it?
287
00:10:33,918 --> 00:10:35,385
No, n-n-no, I can't.
288
00:10:35,453 --> 00:10:38,322
Lois, I feel like we're
really bonding here tonight.
289
00:10:38,389 --> 00:10:39,656
Come on, let's hear it.
290
00:10:39,724 --> 00:10:43,827
Well, I have had an abortion.
291
00:10:43,895 --> 00:10:45,362
(snoring)
292
00:10:45,430 --> 00:10:46,997
Oh, wake me up
when you got something good.
293
00:10:47,065 --> 00:10:49,933
Oh, my goodness,
sarcastic sleeping.
294
00:10:50,001 --> 00:10:51,702
That puts a lot
of pressure on me.
295
00:10:51,769 --> 00:10:55,239
All right, well,
when I was in college,
296
00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:57,774
I was in an adult film.
297
00:10:57,842 --> 00:11:00,277
Oh, my God,
you did a porno?
298
00:11:00,345 --> 00:11:03,380
Shh! Please, please, please
do not say a word to anybody.
299
00:11:03,448 --> 00:11:06,149
I have never told anyone
that, not even my husband.
300
00:11:06,217 --> 00:11:08,085
I promise,
I'll take it to the grave,
301
00:11:08,152 --> 00:11:11,355
But oh, my God, Lois,
that's hilarious!
302
00:11:11,422 --> 00:11:12,823
Do you have a copy?
303
00:11:12,891 --> 00:11:14,658
Oh, no, that movie's
long gone.
304
00:11:14,726 --> 00:11:16,626
Like the original
ending to Grease.
305
00:11:16,678 --> 00:11:18,979
♪ ...together ♪
♪ Rama-lama, ding-dong ♪
306
00:11:19,063 --> 00:11:21,631
♪ We'll always be together ♪
♪ De pom, de pom, de pom,
de pom ♪
307
00:11:21,683 --> 00:11:23,033
♪ Rama-lama ding-dong... ♪
308
00:11:23,101 --> 00:11:25,569
(wind whistling)
309
00:11:25,637 --> 00:11:27,304
We've been up here
for four days.
310
00:11:27,372 --> 00:11:29,172
Why did you drive
the car into the air
311
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,275
if you didn't know how
to get it back down?
312
00:11:31,342 --> 00:11:33,844
Look, Sandy, it seemed like
a good idea at the time.
313
00:11:33,912 --> 00:11:35,495
Obviously,
I didn't think ahead.
314
00:11:35,580 --> 00:11:36,914
It's so cold.
315
00:11:36,981 --> 00:11:39,182
Let's cuddle together
for warmth.
316
00:11:39,250 --> 00:11:41,985
I-I'm... I'm, I'm,
I'm warm enough.
317
00:11:44,956 --> 00:11:46,857
Quick, we gotta
turn the channel.
318
00:11:46,925 --> 00:11:49,593
I promised my friend Joyce
I'd watch the news tonight.
319
00:11:49,661 --> 00:11:52,963
♪ Channel Five ♪
320
00:11:53,031 --> 00:11:56,567
♪ We're there for you ♪
321
00:11:56,634 --> 00:11:59,570
♪ When times are tough ♪
322
00:11:59,637 --> 00:12:02,839
♪ We'll help you through ♪
323
00:12:02,907 --> 00:12:06,109
♪ With news and sports
and weather ♪
324
00:12:06,177 --> 00:12:09,346
♪ We'll always be together ♪
325
00:12:09,414 --> 00:12:12,649
♪ We're with you
through it all ♪
326
00:12:12,717 --> 00:12:15,485
♪ Channel Five. ♪
327
00:12:15,553 --> 00:12:17,421
Holy (beep), that just
turned out awful.
328
00:12:17,488 --> 00:12:18,755
Joyce, do your thing.
329
00:12:18,823 --> 00:12:20,157
Thanks, Tom.
330
00:12:20,224 --> 00:12:22,426
Pornography.
The very word conjures up
331
00:12:22,493 --> 00:12:25,195
images of red-light districts,
unprotected sex, and of course,
332
00:12:25,263 --> 00:12:28,332
the turn-of-the-century
pornograph machine.
333
00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:29,900
(gears clicking)
334
00:12:29,968 --> 00:12:32,102
Whoa-ho-ho! Sweet Mary!
335
00:12:34,906 --> 00:12:38,075
But it seems pornography
has finally found its way
336
00:12:38,142 --> 00:12:39,543
to our neighborhood.
337
00:12:39,611 --> 00:12:43,313
Yes, local housewife and
church organist Lois Griffin
338
00:12:43,381 --> 00:12:45,015
has revealed to this reporter
339
00:12:45,083 --> 00:12:47,084
that she appeared
in a pornographic movie
340
00:12:47,151 --> 00:12:48,752
back in the early 1980s.
341
00:12:48,820 --> 00:12:50,587
What?!
Mom, that's you!
342
00:12:50,655 --> 00:12:52,089
(laughs)
343
00:12:52,156 --> 00:12:55,559
Boy, that black bar would be
a lot lower now, huh? Huh?
344
00:12:55,627 --> 00:12:57,894
Huh? Would it not?
345
00:12:57,962 --> 00:13:01,665
Evidently, Lois Griffin,
star citizen of Quahog,
346
00:13:01,733 --> 00:13:04,334
is also Lois Griffin,
star of "Quest for Fur."
347
00:13:04,402 --> 00:13:06,236
It just goes to show
you never know
348
00:13:06,304 --> 00:13:08,038
what sort of person
is living next door.
349
00:13:08,106 --> 00:13:09,272
Tom?
350
00:13:09,340 --> 00:13:11,375
I can't
believe this!
351
00:13:11,442 --> 00:13:12,809
Lois, you were in a porno?
352
00:13:12,877 --> 00:13:14,778
She totally betrayed me!
353
00:13:14,846 --> 00:13:17,648
I thought girlfriends were
supposed to support each other.
354
00:13:17,715 --> 00:13:19,983
Ha! Slut!
355
00:13:27,069 --> 00:13:28,936
How could you do
that to me, Joyce?!
356
00:13:29,004 --> 00:13:30,905
Oh. Hello, Lois.
357
00:13:30,973 --> 00:13:32,874
I told you that in confidence!
358
00:13:32,941 --> 00:13:34,742
You totally humiliated me!
359
00:13:34,810 --> 00:13:36,644
Well, then I guess
now we're even.
360
00:13:36,712 --> 00:13:37,845
What?!
361
00:13:37,913 --> 00:13:39,314
What are you talking about?
362
00:13:39,381 --> 00:13:41,049
I never did anything to you!
363
00:13:41,116 --> 00:13:43,351
You really don't
remember me, do you?
364
00:13:43,419 --> 00:13:44,585
Remember you?
365
00:13:44,653 --> 00:13:46,487
We went to high
school together, Lois?
366
00:13:46,555 --> 00:13:48,556
Chemistry class?
Freshman year?
367
00:13:48,624 --> 00:13:49,891
Joycie?
368
00:13:49,958 --> 00:13:52,827
You're Joyce
Chevapravatdumrong?
369
00:13:52,895 --> 00:13:55,096
Yes, but they'd never
let that name on TV,
370
00:13:55,164 --> 00:13:56,631
so I changed it to Kinney.
371
00:13:56,699 --> 00:13:59,734
You ruined my adolescence, Lois.
372
00:13:59,802 --> 00:14:02,070
You told me
I'd made the cheer squad,
373
00:14:02,137 --> 00:14:03,738
blindfolded me, and told me
374
00:14:03,806 --> 00:14:06,274
we were going for a special
celebration breakfast.
375
00:14:06,342 --> 00:14:08,276
When you took
the blindfold off,
376
00:14:08,344 --> 00:14:10,278
I was standing
in front of the entire school
377
00:14:10,329 --> 00:14:13,081
with my pants around my ankles
and a hot dog in my mouth.
378
00:14:13,148 --> 00:14:14,949
(laughter)
379
00:14:17,419 --> 00:14:19,587
It was a horrible
thing to do, Lois.
380
00:14:19,655 --> 00:14:22,256
Look, Joyce,
that was a long time ago.
381
00:14:22,324 --> 00:14:24,292
And I'm very sorry
for what I did.
382
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,960
But we're adults now,
383
00:14:26,028 --> 00:14:27,729
and that doesn't
give you any reason
384
00:14:27,796 --> 00:14:29,397
to humiliate me like this.
385
00:14:29,465 --> 00:14:30,998
Boo-hoo.
386
00:14:31,066 --> 00:14:33,501
You don't like it,
you can go talk to a reporter.
387
00:14:33,569 --> 00:14:35,603
Oh, my God.
388
00:14:35,671 --> 00:14:37,205
I thought we
were friends.
389
00:14:37,272 --> 00:14:40,007
The kind of really good friends
that communicate with each other
390
00:14:40,075 --> 00:14:41,609
poorly through Facebook.
391
00:14:53,789 --> 00:14:55,823
Everyone, I think
it's important
392
00:14:55,891 --> 00:14:58,326
that we talk openly
about this.
393
00:14:58,394 --> 00:15:01,713
It was back in a disgusting
period known as the early '80s.
394
00:15:01,797 --> 00:15:04,082
It was a time
when women would stand topless,
395
00:15:04,166 --> 00:15:06,534
high on coke,
on the edge of hotel balconies
396
00:15:06,585 --> 00:15:08,703
while the curtains
were billowing around them.
397
00:15:08,771 --> 00:15:11,172
I think there was actually
more wind back then.
398
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,540
♪ ♪
399
00:15:12,608 --> 00:15:15,643
MAN:
Hey, Lois, get back inside!
400
00:15:15,710 --> 00:15:18,045
This coke isn't
gonna snort itself!
401
00:15:18,113 --> 00:15:20,181
Great party, Raoul.
402
00:15:20,249 --> 00:15:22,717
I feel like I'm horkin'
all your cocaine.
403
00:15:22,785 --> 00:15:24,485
Hey, that's okay, Lois.
404
00:15:24,553 --> 00:15:26,554
You can just buy
the next bag, eh?
405
00:15:26,622 --> 00:15:27,955
Right, other guy?
406
00:15:28,023 --> 00:15:29,791
♪ ♪
407
00:15:31,927 --> 00:15:33,394
Oh, I couldn't
afford that.
408
00:15:33,462 --> 00:15:36,197
My daddy's making me pay for
my own tuition this semester
409
00:15:36,265 --> 00:15:38,433
because I maxed out
all my credit cards
410
00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:41,135
buying a copy of E.T.
at the video store.
411
00:15:41,203 --> 00:15:43,438
It was $399.
412
00:15:43,505 --> 00:15:44,806
Yeah, but you own it.
413
00:15:44,873 --> 00:15:46,541
You can just
watch that now.
414
00:15:46,608 --> 00:15:50,511
And besides, I got another way
you can make money.
415
00:15:50,579 --> 00:15:53,114
So Raoul gave me a job
at his pet store,
416
00:15:53,182 --> 00:15:54,816
but I still
needed money.
417
00:15:54,883 --> 00:15:56,918
One day
I was cleaning a bird cage,
418
00:15:56,985 --> 00:16:00,788
and a porn producer came in,
and... well, the rest you know.
419
00:16:00,856 --> 00:16:03,958
I kind of feel like, the part
that we should have seen was...
420
00:16:04,026 --> 00:16:05,626
You know what?
Never mind. It works.
421
00:16:05,694 --> 00:16:06,828
Good Lord.
422
00:16:06,895 --> 00:16:08,362
Am I a porn baby?
423
00:16:08,430 --> 00:16:09,831
No. Stewie, come on.
424
00:16:09,898 --> 00:16:11,199
I-I doubt it.
425
00:16:11,266 --> 00:16:12,366
I mean, maybe, yeah.
426
00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:13,468
Probably, yes.
427
00:16:16,638 --> 00:16:18,573
(crowd chatter)
428
00:16:18,624 --> 00:16:20,107
Your mom's in a porno!
429
00:16:20,159 --> 00:16:21,342
I saw her boobs!
430
00:16:21,410 --> 00:16:22,543
Shut up!
431
00:16:22,611 --> 00:16:24,445
Hey, Griffin,
your mom's a whore!
432
00:16:24,513 --> 00:16:26,247
Come on, guys,
knock it off!
433
00:16:26,315 --> 00:16:28,316
Yeah, Griffin, your
mom's gross and nasty!
434
00:16:28,383 --> 00:16:29,951
Hey!
Not cool!
435
00:16:30,018 --> 00:16:31,319
That's
a dude's mom!
436
00:16:31,386 --> 00:16:33,488
Well... she's
also my mom.
437
00:16:33,555 --> 00:16:34,789
Aw, your mom's
a whore!
438
00:16:34,857 --> 00:16:36,023
Yeah! Suck it!
439
00:16:36,091 --> 00:16:37,291
You're a
whore-daughter!
440
00:16:37,359 --> 00:16:38,826
Yeah, Griffin
gets it!
441
00:16:38,894 --> 00:16:40,761
(bell tolling)
442
00:16:43,832 --> 00:16:45,833
Boy, I'm really
looking forward to this.
443
00:16:45,901 --> 00:16:48,469
I really need some church
after the week I've had.
444
00:16:48,537 --> 00:16:50,738
(crowd murmuring)
445
00:16:54,776 --> 00:16:55,860
(coughs)
Sinner.
446
00:16:55,944 --> 00:16:57,028
(coughs)
Harlot.
447
00:16:57,112 --> 00:16:58,246
(coughs)
Skank.
448
00:16:58,313 --> 00:16:59,480
(coughing)
I'm actually sick.
449
00:16:59,548 --> 00:17:02,783
You are no longer
welcome here, Lois Griffin.
450
00:17:02,851 --> 00:17:05,486
But, Father, I've been an active
member of this church for...
451
00:17:05,554 --> 00:17:07,221
Leave this house of God!
452
00:17:07,289 --> 00:17:08,656
(crowd chattering)
453
00:17:08,724 --> 00:17:11,225
But-but I love the church.
454
00:17:11,293 --> 00:17:13,294
It's an important part
of my life.
455
00:17:13,362 --> 00:17:15,930
Maybe you should've thought
of that before you made a porn.
456
00:17:15,998 --> 00:17:17,532
But, Father,
I didn't mean...
457
00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:19,066
Wait. Did you
say "a porn?"
458
00:17:19,134 --> 00:17:20,668
Yes.
Oh.
459
00:17:20,736 --> 00:17:22,470
Well, that's kind of weird.
Why?
460
00:17:22,538 --> 00:17:23,938
Well, I mean,
you'd either say,
461
00:17:24,006 --> 00:17:25,940
"You made porn,"
or "You made a porno."
462
00:17:26,008 --> 00:17:27,508
Y-You don't say,
"Made a porn."
463
00:17:27,576 --> 00:17:29,110
It just...
It hits the ear wrong.
464
00:17:29,177 --> 00:17:32,179
Oh, God, have I been saying
it wrong this whole time?
465
00:17:36,118 --> 00:17:37,351
(crying)
466
00:17:37,419 --> 00:17:39,053
Come on, Lois.
467
00:17:39,121 --> 00:17:41,455
If it makes you feel
any better, I don't care.
468
00:17:41,523 --> 00:17:44,025
And what does it matter what
those people in church think?
469
00:17:44,092 --> 00:17:46,711
I mean, most of of them are
just random background people
470
00:17:46,778 --> 00:17:47,945
we've never seen
before anyway.
471
00:17:48,013 --> 00:17:49,347
Half of them
don't even move;
472
00:17:49,414 --> 00:17:50,715
the other
half just blink.
473
00:17:50,782 --> 00:17:52,216
Peter, that-that's
very sweet,
474
00:17:52,284 --> 00:17:54,585
but how am I supposed
to live in this town
475
00:17:54,653 --> 00:17:55,853
if I'm a social pariah?
476
00:17:55,921 --> 00:17:57,154
What's that?
477
00:17:57,222 --> 00:17:59,123
Is that them little
fish that eat cows?
478
00:17:59,191 --> 00:18:01,092
Just-just
leave me alone, please.
479
00:18:01,159 --> 00:18:02,827
(sighs)
480
00:18:06,415 --> 00:18:08,749
Hey, Lois, can I talk
to you for a second?
481
00:18:08,817 --> 00:18:10,251
For the last time, Brian,
482
00:18:10,319 --> 00:18:12,119
there's no link to it
anywhere online.
483
00:18:12,187 --> 00:18:14,522
No, no, that-that's not...
that's not what I'm here for.
484
00:18:16,058 --> 00:18:17,692
Look, Lois, you
did what you did,
485
00:18:17,759 --> 00:18:19,560
and there's nothing you
can change about that.
486
00:18:19,628 --> 00:18:20,895
But those people can only
487
00:18:20,963 --> 00:18:22,863
make you feel ashamed
if you let them.
488
00:18:22,931 --> 00:18:24,799
If you own the
choice that you made,
489
00:18:24,866 --> 00:18:26,233
you-you take away
all their power
490
00:18:26,301 --> 00:18:27,802
to make you feel
bad about yourself.
491
00:18:27,869 --> 00:18:29,103
What do you mean?
492
00:18:29,171 --> 00:18:30,771
Well, you remember
a few years back,
493
00:18:30,839 --> 00:18:32,473
people used to
make all those jokes
494
00:18:32,541 --> 00:18:33,975
about how Ryan
Seacrest was gay?
495
00:18:34,042 --> 00:18:35,977
And then he started making
those jokes himself,
496
00:18:36,044 --> 00:18:37,545
and now nobody makes
those jokes anymore.
497
00:18:37,613 --> 00:18:38,846
I mean, he's still gay,
498
00:18:38,914 --> 00:18:41,082
but now it's no fun
to joke about it,
499
00:18:41,149 --> 00:18:42,950
because he-he beat
us to the punch.
500
00:18:43,018 --> 00:18:44,752
My God!
501
00:18:44,820 --> 00:18:48,122
That little pole-smoker's
a (bleep) genius!
502
00:18:50,392 --> 00:18:52,760
...and so did the Corinthians
finally write back
503
00:18:52,828 --> 00:18:54,862
to Saint Paul, saying,
504
00:18:54,930 --> 00:18:56,631
"Dude, enough with the letters.
505
00:18:56,698 --> 00:18:57,965
"We have received them all,
506
00:18:58,033 --> 00:19:00,534
"and will get back to you
when we have the time.
507
00:19:00,602 --> 00:19:01,902
"And by the way,
508
00:19:01,970 --> 00:19:03,704
"a lot of the information
you're asking for
509
00:19:03,772 --> 00:19:04,772
is available online."
510
00:19:06,908 --> 00:19:09,677
Oh, look, everybody,
it's the burning bush.
511
00:19:09,745 --> 00:19:11,579
(crowd murmuring)
512
00:19:15,384 --> 00:19:17,184
Hello, Father.
513
00:19:17,252 --> 00:19:20,354
I thought I made it clear that
you are no longer welcome here.
514
00:19:20,422 --> 00:19:23,157
You know, I've been coming
to this church for years.
515
00:19:23,225 --> 00:19:24,925
I've heard all the stories.
516
00:19:24,993 --> 00:19:26,560
Who did Jesus hang around with?
517
00:19:26,628 --> 00:19:27,995
Mary Magdalene.
518
00:19:28,063 --> 00:19:29,263
And who was she?
519
00:19:29,331 --> 00:19:30,564
A prostitute.
520
00:19:30,632 --> 00:19:31,732
Which means,
521
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,668
if they had cameras back then,
522
00:19:33,735 --> 00:19:35,603
I bet she would have done
a porno.
523
00:19:35,671 --> 00:19:37,905
(crowd murmuring)
524
00:19:38,874 --> 00:19:41,108
(whirring)
525
00:19:41,159 --> 00:19:42,910
And if she did,
526
00:19:42,977 --> 00:19:45,379
I know that Jesus
would have forgiven her.
527
00:19:45,447 --> 00:19:48,215
Am I any worse
than Mary Magdalene?
528
00:19:48,283 --> 00:19:52,086
And more importantly,
are you all better than Jesus?
529
00:19:52,154 --> 00:19:53,821
I'm better
than Jesus.
530
00:19:53,889 --> 00:19:56,524
Okay, yes, Tina Fey,
you're better than Jesus.
531
00:19:56,591 --> 00:19:58,192
But the rest of you...
532
00:19:58,260 --> 00:20:00,461
The rest of you need
to accept the fact
533
00:20:00,529 --> 00:20:02,697
that I made a simple mistake.
534
00:20:02,764 --> 00:20:04,098
And here it is.
535
00:20:06,802 --> 00:20:08,569
(projector clicking,
music playing)
536
00:20:35,163 --> 00:20:36,230
(all gasping)
537
00:20:49,244 --> 00:20:53,814
I know I'm a man of God...
but that (bleep) is hot!
538
00:20:53,882 --> 00:20:55,599
(applause, cheering
and whooping)
539
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:06,627
Oh, look at that.
540
00:21:06,695 --> 00:21:08,562
See, now I'm really starting
to get suspicious.
541
00:21:08,630 --> 00:21:10,731
Somebody order a pizza?
542
00:21:10,831 --> 00:21:14,331
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==
== for www.addic7ed.com ==