1
00:00:01,877 --> 00:00:05,073
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:08,709
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,743 --> 00:00:12,062
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,096 --> 00:00:15,249
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:18,685
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:22,289
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:23,857
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:25,592
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,627 --> 00:00:28,927
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:28,966 --> 00:00:32,966
♪ Family Guy 11x101 ♪
The Giggity Wife
Original Air Date on January 27, 2013
11
00:00:32,967 --> 00:00:36,967
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:37,121 --> 00:00:39,484
♪ Everyone has fingernails
13
00:00:39,486 --> 00:00:41,253
♪ And everyone wants cash
14
00:00:41,288 --> 00:00:43,739
♪ So send us all
your fingernails ♪
15
00:00:43,773 --> 00:00:45,908
♪ And we'll send you
some cash ♪
16
00:00:45,942 --> 00:00:47,676
♪ Fingernails for cash
dot com ♪
17
00:00:47,711 --> 00:00:49,545
♪ Fingernails for cash
18
00:00:49,579 --> 00:00:51,914
♪ Remember it's just
fingernails ♪
19
00:00:51,948 --> 00:00:54,166
♪ So don't expect much cash
20
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,168
♪ Fingernails for cash dot com
21
00:00:56,202 --> 00:00:58,170
♪ Our service never fails
22
00:00:58,204 --> 00:00:59,338
♪ Just take the cash
23
00:00:59,372 --> 00:01:00,673
♪ And don't ask why
24
00:01:00,707 --> 00:01:02,291
♪ We want your fingernails
25
00:01:02,325 --> 00:01:05,744
♪ 'Cause we might be building
a fort with them. ♪
26
00:01:11,618 --> 00:01:12,618
Here you go, fellas.
27
00:01:12,652 --> 00:01:13,619
Thanks, Horace.
28
00:01:13,653 --> 00:01:15,170
Oh, here, let me
get this one, Peter.
29
00:01:15,205 --> 00:01:18,324
Geez, what the hell kind of
stupid wallet is that, Joe?
30
00:01:18,358 --> 00:01:20,826
Bonnie's
making wallets now.
31
00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:23,262
Look, she's gonna ask
you guys to buy one.
32
00:01:23,296 --> 00:01:24,747
I'll just give
you the money.
33
00:01:24,781 --> 00:01:26,048
Just don't throw it out
34
00:01:26,082 --> 00:01:28,901
within five miles
of where we live.
35
00:01:28,935 --> 00:01:31,003
Hey, why do you have a
Harvard dining hall I.D.?
36
00:01:31,037 --> 00:01:32,988
I pulled over some
punk Harvard kid
37
00:01:33,023 --> 00:01:35,457
who gave me a bunch of
lip, so I took his I.D.
38
00:01:35,492 --> 00:01:38,243
Man, I bet they got fancy food
up there at Harvard.
39
00:01:38,278 --> 00:01:40,162
Like them turkeys
with paper shoes.
40
00:01:40,196 --> 00:01:41,981
Or pigs with apples
in their mouths.
41
00:01:42,015 --> 00:01:44,433
Or them lambs what ain't never
seen the light before.
42
00:01:44,467 --> 00:01:46,402
Oh, yeah, I love
eating food that's sad.
43
00:01:46,436 --> 00:01:47,970
Hey, you know,
we should drive up there
44
00:01:48,004 --> 00:01:49,605
and use that card
to eat for free.
45
00:01:49,639 --> 00:01:50,839
That's a
great idea!
46
00:01:50,874 --> 00:01:52,191
Let's go
to Harvard!
47
00:01:52,225 --> 00:01:53,692
Oh, I don't know, you guys.
48
00:01:53,727 --> 00:01:55,928
We'll be as out of place there
as a black guy in Sweden.
49
00:01:56,863 --> 00:01:59,048
Ooh!
50
00:01:59,082 --> 00:02:00,315
Blackin sippin.
51
00:02:00,350 --> 00:02:02,601
Ya, blackin
sippin.
52
00:02:02,635 --> 00:02:04,653
♪
53
00:02:17,867 --> 00:02:19,585
Wow, so this
is it.
54
00:02:19,619 --> 00:02:21,253
Harvard
University.
55
00:02:21,287 --> 00:02:22,955
The alma mater
of Fred Grandy,
56
00:02:23,006 --> 00:02:24,606
Amy Brenneman
and Ted Kaczynski.
57
00:02:24,641 --> 00:02:27,142
Are we sure this is
the way to the dining hall?
58
00:02:27,177 --> 00:02:28,761
Oh, I'm sorry, are your feet
getting tired?
59
00:02:28,795 --> 00:02:31,714
God, I'd love to be able to
wheel around in a toy all day.
60
00:02:31,748 --> 00:02:33,465
Ah, this is
it, you guys.
61
00:02:33,516 --> 00:02:35,100
The Harvard
Dining Hall.
62
00:02:42,459 --> 00:02:43,742
Holy crap!
63
00:02:43,777 --> 00:02:44,943
This place
is amazing!
64
00:02:44,978 --> 00:02:47,663
And just think, this is
where Helen Keller
65
00:02:47,697 --> 00:02:49,264
used to eat
when she went here.
66
00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:51,834
Tonight, I want to go out
and just get wasted.
67
00:02:51,868 --> 00:02:53,435
And not one
of these campus bars.
68
00:02:53,470 --> 00:02:55,287
I want to get wrecked
by a townie.
69
00:02:55,321 --> 00:02:57,056
Helen, you're
outrageous.
70
00:02:57,090 --> 00:02:59,241
I can't believe you're
getting away with this.
71
00:02:59,275 --> 00:03:01,326
I've been getting away
with this since I was seven.
72
00:03:01,361 --> 00:03:03,545
Believe me, I know
what I'm doing.
73
00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:05,330
Good morning, girls.
74
00:03:05,365 --> 00:03:06,331
Helen.
75
00:03:11,304 --> 00:03:14,556
No freaking way.
76
00:03:14,591 --> 00:03:16,058
They have breakfast for dinner.
77
00:03:16,092 --> 00:03:17,693
Lois never lets me do that!
78
00:03:21,181 --> 00:03:23,482
Lois, do you have any idea
what I'm looking at right now?
79
00:03:23,516 --> 00:03:25,267
Peter, we're not
doing this again.
80
00:03:25,301 --> 00:03:26,602
I am at Harvard,
81
00:03:26,636 --> 00:03:28,676
the smartest school in
the country, and they have...
82
00:03:28,705 --> 00:03:31,006
Peter, breakfast
for dinner is anarchy.
83
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,875
It's fun, Lois!
It's whimsical!
84
00:03:32,909 --> 00:03:33,876
It's ridiculous!
85
00:03:33,910 --> 00:03:35,711
Pancakes are not
a nighttime food.
86
00:03:35,745 --> 00:03:37,012
You're ridiculous!
87
00:03:37,046 --> 00:03:38,180
Boy, breakfast
for dinner is
88
00:03:38,214 --> 00:03:39,882
a real hot-button issue
for you guys, huh?
89
00:03:39,916 --> 00:03:41,817
She's also mad
'cause I shook Stewie
90
00:03:41,851 --> 00:03:43,318
and now he's
walking weird.
91
00:03:49,142 --> 00:03:51,710
Hey, was Beowulf
a Teen Wolf sequel
92
00:03:51,744 --> 00:03:53,345
with Scott Baio?
No.
93
00:03:53,379 --> 00:03:55,047
Then I just
totally failed
94
00:03:55,081 --> 00:03:56,582
that Medieval Lit
midterm.
95
00:03:56,616 --> 00:03:58,117
So this is
a Harvard bar, huh?
96
00:03:58,151 --> 00:03:59,451
Seems pretty normal.
97
00:03:59,486 --> 00:04:00,519
Hey, check it out,
98
00:04:00,553 --> 00:04:02,287
there's the
Winklevoss twins.
99
00:04:02,322 --> 00:04:03,522
Let's get a drink.
Get a drink.
100
00:04:03,523 --> 00:04:05,140
Let's get a drink.
I thought of it first.
101
00:04:07,110 --> 00:04:08,560
Hey, you guys noticed
how many Asians
102
00:04:08,595 --> 00:04:09,561
there are at
this school?
103
00:04:09,596 --> 00:04:11,230
I mean, how'd they
all get so smart?
104
00:04:11,264 --> 00:04:13,665
I don't know. Guess that's just
the way God made 'em.
105
00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:15,200
Gentlemen, I give you...
106
00:04:15,235 --> 00:04:16,602
the Asian.
107
00:04:16,636 --> 00:04:17,870
Ooh...
108
00:04:17,904 --> 00:04:20,372
Compact, hairless
and fiercely intelligent.
109
00:04:20,406 --> 00:04:22,841
The penises, while tiny,
are extremely efficient.
110
00:04:22,876 --> 00:04:25,344
We're projecting ten billion
within five years.
111
00:04:25,378 --> 00:04:27,012
Also, there'll be
different varieties
112
00:04:27,046 --> 00:04:28,614
that will all hate each other
for some reason.
113
00:04:28,648 --> 00:04:30,716
Do they eat just,
like, regular food?
114
00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:32,784
No, no, no, the opposite.
115
00:04:36,923 --> 00:04:38,924
♪
116
00:04:40,260 --> 00:04:41,994
All right, this
is more like it.
117
00:04:42,028 --> 00:04:44,463
Way better than that
lame-ass college joint.
118
00:04:44,497 --> 00:04:46,648
Yeah, finally
a terrible Boston bar
119
00:04:46,683 --> 00:04:48,267
with a giant low-def TV.
120
00:04:48,318 --> 00:04:49,768
Let's go, Celtics!
121
00:04:49,819 --> 00:04:51,403
I think that's
The Dr. Oz Show.
122
00:04:51,437 --> 00:04:52,688
What are you talking about?
123
00:04:52,722 --> 00:04:54,239
This is the last scene
of Independence Day.
124
00:04:54,274 --> 00:04:56,024
Hey, look, even
the bartender's low-def.
125
00:04:56,058 --> 00:04:58,026
Hey, what can I
get you fellas?
126
00:04:58,060 --> 00:04:59,444
Hey, what do you say
we get some shots?
127
00:04:59,495 --> 00:05:01,663
Yeah! Let's
get wasted!
128
00:05:01,698 --> 00:05:03,966
Yeah! Let's get
wicked bombed!
129
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,735
Sorry, pal, we already have
an intense wheelchair guy.
130
00:05:06,753 --> 00:05:08,103
Well, now,
hold on, hold on.
131
00:05:08,137 --> 00:05:09,938
What's your name, friend?
Peter.
132
00:05:09,973 --> 00:05:11,690
Yeah, we already got
a wheelchair guy.
133
00:05:14,310 --> 00:05:16,295
♪
134
00:05:45,408 --> 00:05:46,825
♪
135
00:06:04,494 --> 00:06:05,694
Oh, hey, Stewie.
136
00:06:05,728 --> 00:06:09,298
Hey, sometimes when
daddies drive home drunk,
137
00:06:09,332 --> 00:06:11,833
they come from
far away places,
138
00:06:11,868 --> 00:06:14,937
but it's okay because
they didn't get arrested
139
00:06:14,971 --> 00:06:16,571
and they're still
kind of drunk
140
00:06:16,606 --> 00:06:18,140
so they-they think
it's okay.
141
00:06:18,174 --> 00:06:20,642
You should know that Mom
has emotionally let you go.
142
00:06:20,677 --> 00:06:23,011
It won't be long
before she takes a lover.
143
00:06:23,046 --> 00:06:24,546
Ah, my head!
144
00:06:24,580 --> 00:06:26,315
She already has
two cell phones.
145
00:06:26,349 --> 00:06:28,717
Aw, man, what happened
last night?
146
00:06:28,751 --> 00:06:30,886
I can tell you what happened.
147
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:32,621
What the...?
Who the hell are you?
148
00:06:32,655 --> 00:06:34,656
Who the hell do you
think I am, sweetie?
149
00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:38,877
Oh, no. You mean...?
150
00:06:38,911 --> 00:06:40,545
That's right, baby.
151
00:06:40,580 --> 00:06:42,981
As of last night,
we're man and wife.
152
00:06:43,016 --> 00:06:45,284
By the way, I need
you to call my pimp
153
00:06:45,318 --> 00:06:46,485
and tell him I quit.
154
00:06:46,519 --> 00:06:47,719
Oh, my God, I...
155
00:06:47,754 --> 00:06:49,488
I married a hooker?
156
00:06:49,522 --> 00:06:50,489
Married?
157
00:06:50,523 --> 00:06:52,324
All right,
bachelor party!
158
00:06:52,358 --> 00:06:54,226
Come on!
Back to Boston!
159
00:06:57,563 --> 00:06:59,097
Aw, aw, damn it.
160
00:06:59,132 --> 00:07:00,499
I guess we're not going.
161
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,184
Hey, Stewie,
here's five bucks.
162
00:07:02,218 --> 00:07:03,418
Get naked.
163
00:07:10,043 --> 00:07:11,677
This... this can't be possible!
164
00:07:11,712 --> 00:07:13,412
I can't be married
to a prostitute!
165
00:07:13,447 --> 00:07:15,348
Where will you two be going
on your scummymoon?
166
00:07:15,382 --> 00:07:17,450
And can I plan your
bridal golden shower?
167
00:07:17,484 --> 00:07:18,718
I don't even know your name!
168
00:07:18,752 --> 00:07:20,987
It's Charmese.
Perfect.
169
00:07:21,021 --> 00:07:23,789
Listen, Charmese, I was
obviously very, very drunk.
170
00:07:23,824 --> 00:07:25,324
This whole thing
is a huge mistake.
171
00:07:25,359 --> 00:07:26,959
Now, we got to
fix this right away.
172
00:07:26,994 --> 00:07:28,861
Like hell we do,
sweet cream.
173
00:07:28,896 --> 00:07:30,796
This is just what
I've always wanted:
174
00:07:30,831 --> 00:07:32,498
to settle down,
find a husband
175
00:07:32,532 --> 00:07:33,933
and live the
married life.
176
00:07:33,967 --> 00:07:36,035
And now I got that.
177
00:07:36,069 --> 00:07:37,770
Your new wife
is a human toilet.
178
00:07:37,804 --> 00:07:40,056
Look, I don't remember
anything about last night.
179
00:07:40,090 --> 00:07:42,024
How do I... how do I even know
we're really married?
180
00:07:42,059 --> 00:07:44,327
I got our marriage certificate
right here.
181
00:07:45,329 --> 00:07:46,529
It's legit.
182
00:07:46,563 --> 00:07:48,514
And it looks like I signed
one of the witness lines
183
00:07:48,548 --> 00:07:50,349
and Peter partially signed
the other.
184
00:07:51,451 --> 00:07:52,451
Joe, look.
185
00:07:57,007 --> 00:08:00,126
You know, after 40 years
in my line of work,
186
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,561
I've learned the difference
between true love
187
00:08:02,596 --> 00:08:05,247
and doing the entire bowling
team of a pizza restaurant
188
00:08:05,282 --> 00:08:06,849
on a box spring by a brook.
189
00:08:06,883 --> 00:08:08,751
This is true love.
190
00:08:08,785 --> 00:08:10,820
Hey, what's our
last name again?
191
00:08:14,958 --> 00:08:16,692
You know, Quagmire,
I was thinking last night,
192
00:08:16,727 --> 00:08:20,162
I might remember Charmese
from a stag party in 1991.
193
00:08:20,197 --> 00:08:22,164
Ask her if she remembers
getting hit in the forehead
194
00:08:22,199 --> 00:08:23,399
with a meatball sandwich.
195
00:08:23,433 --> 00:08:25,134
You guys, I can't
stay married to her.
196
00:08:25,168 --> 00:08:27,403
This whole thing
is a complete disaster!
197
00:08:27,437 --> 00:08:28,521
In fact, you know what?
198
00:08:28,555 --> 00:08:30,275
I got to go down
to the courthouse right now
199
00:08:30,307 --> 00:08:31,407
and file for divorce.
200
00:08:31,441 --> 00:08:32,842
This thing ends now.
201
00:08:32,876 --> 00:08:34,226
Hang on,
Quagmire.
202
00:08:34,261 --> 00:08:35,661
I'm not sure
that's a good idea.
203
00:08:35,696 --> 00:08:39,298
Quahog has some extremely
draconian laws governing divorce
204
00:08:39,333 --> 00:08:41,200
that all heavily
favor the woman.
205
00:08:41,234 --> 00:08:42,234
What? What do you mean?
206
00:08:42,269 --> 00:08:43,235
Well, to be honest,
207
00:08:43,270 --> 00:08:44,437
if you divorce her,
208
00:08:44,471 --> 00:08:46,605
she'll probably get
everything you have.
209
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,207
What? No,
that's impossible!
210
00:08:48,241 --> 00:08:49,909
I can't lose all
my money and my house!
211
00:08:49,943 --> 00:08:51,377
Then I'll have
to move into some
212
00:08:51,411 --> 00:08:53,379
depressing divorced
guy apartment!
213
00:08:53,413 --> 00:08:54,814
As you can see,
we have plenty
214
00:08:54,848 --> 00:08:56,148
of cabinet space
for your plate.
215
00:08:56,183 --> 00:08:57,984
The oven, of course,
is just decorative.
216
00:08:58,018 --> 00:08:59,318
Seems okay.
217
00:08:59,353 --> 00:09:00,833
Do you have any other
units available?
218
00:09:00,854 --> 00:09:02,088
This is our only one.
219
00:09:02,122 --> 00:09:04,357
I hope you're happy, Marsha!
220
00:09:04,391 --> 00:09:06,425
We might have
something upstairs.
221
00:09:06,460 --> 00:09:07,560
Sorry, Quagmire,
222
00:09:07,594 --> 00:09:08,894
but the only way
around the law
223
00:09:08,929 --> 00:09:10,529
is if the woman
consents to a divorce.
224
00:09:10,564 --> 00:09:11,831
Consent?
225
00:09:11,865 --> 00:09:13,299
But Charmese will
never agree to that.
226
00:09:13,333 --> 00:09:15,634
You heard her, the crazy skank
wants to be a wife.
227
00:09:15,669 --> 00:09:16,802
She's found
herself a husband
228
00:09:16,837 --> 00:09:17,803
and she's not
letting go.
229
00:09:17,838 --> 00:09:19,238
I bet she's what happens
230
00:09:19,272 --> 00:09:21,374
if you put a Hooters girl
in the microwave on "high."
231
00:09:21,408 --> 00:09:22,508
Well, the only
other choice
232
00:09:22,542 --> 00:09:24,110
is to let her take
all your money.
233
00:09:24,144 --> 00:09:25,778
Well, I
obviously can't do that.
234
00:09:25,812 --> 00:09:27,532
I guess I'm just gonna
have to suck it up...
235
00:09:27,547 --> 00:09:29,565
Let her suck it up-- she's
the expert. Sorry, keep going.
236
00:09:29,599 --> 00:09:31,534
...and at least try to make
things work with Charmese.
237
00:09:31,568 --> 00:09:32,868
And who knows?
238
00:09:32,903 --> 00:09:34,537
Maybe it... maybe it
won't be that bad.
239
00:09:34,571 --> 00:09:36,806
After all, I liked her enough
to marry her last night.
240
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,080
I must've seen
something in her.
241
00:09:38,108 --> 00:09:39,742
There you go, that's
the spirit, buddy.
242
00:09:39,776 --> 00:09:41,377
There's a little bit
of good in everyone.
243
00:09:41,378 --> 00:09:43,379
Except that president guy
from The Hunger Games.
244
00:09:43,413 --> 00:09:44,463
He was pretty bad.
245
00:09:44,531 --> 00:09:46,665
This year, in addition
to the Hunger Games,
246
00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:49,185
we're going to do
the Special Hunger Games.
247
00:09:49,219 --> 00:09:50,369
I'm Andy!
248
00:09:50,404 --> 00:09:51,854
I love
you, Andy!
249
00:09:51,888 --> 00:09:53,222
Come on,
guys, fight.
250
00:09:56,059 --> 00:09:57,626
So, Doc, I figured
if Charmese and I
251
00:09:57,661 --> 00:09:58,961
are gonna live
as man and wife,
252
00:09:58,995 --> 00:10:00,296
I ought to get
her checked out.
253
00:10:00,330 --> 00:10:02,498
Of course. Charmese,
when's the last time
254
00:10:02,532 --> 00:10:03,699
you had a pelvic exam?
255
00:10:03,734 --> 00:10:05,501
When was
the Missouri Compromise?
256
00:10:05,535 --> 00:10:07,369
Uh, I think 1821.
257
00:10:07,404 --> 00:10:09,371
Then I've never
had a pelvic exam.
258
00:10:09,406 --> 00:10:10,556
All right,
I'm going in.
259
00:10:10,590 --> 00:10:12,742
If I tug on the rope twice,
that means pull me out.
260
00:10:16,747 --> 00:10:18,247
God, who are the pigs
261
00:10:18,281 --> 00:10:20,750
who just throw their
empty beer cans down here?
262
00:10:24,654 --> 00:10:25,621
Hey, Charmese.
263
00:10:25,655 --> 00:10:27,456
You know, I really
love your clothes...
264
00:10:27,490 --> 00:10:28,707
I found a lot of them
265
00:10:28,742 --> 00:10:30,609
on strung-out
teenage corpses.
266
00:10:30,644 --> 00:10:31,610
That's so lovely.
267
00:10:31,645 --> 00:10:33,206
But I was thinking,
maybe this afternoon
268
00:10:33,213 --> 00:10:34,713
you'd like to borrow
my credit card
269
00:10:34,748 --> 00:10:36,182
and buy yourself
a new wardrobe.
270
00:10:36,216 --> 00:10:37,983
You know, something
a little more conservative.
271
00:10:38,018 --> 00:10:38,984
Really?
272
00:10:39,019 --> 00:10:40,519
That's so
sweet, Glenn.
273
00:10:40,554 --> 00:10:42,822
No one's ever cared
about me like that before.
274
00:10:42,856 --> 00:10:44,423
Thank you.
275
00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:46,592
♪ Uptown girl
276
00:10:46,626 --> 00:10:50,012
♪ She's been living
in her uptown world ♪
277
00:10:50,046 --> 00:10:53,466
♪ I bet she never had
a backstreet guy ♪
278
00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:57,319
♪ I bet her mama
never told her why ♪
279
00:10:57,354 --> 00:11:01,540
♪ I'm gonna try
for an uptown girl ♪
280
00:11:01,575 --> 00:11:05,211
♪ She's been living
in her white bread world ♪
281
00:11:05,245 --> 00:11:08,547
♪ As long as anyone
with hot blood can... ♪
282
00:11:08,582 --> 00:11:10,499
I would like to pawn
all these clothes
283
00:11:10,534 --> 00:11:11,734
for crack money.
284
00:11:15,038 --> 00:11:17,173
Gosh, thanks so much
for having us over, you guys.
285
00:11:17,207 --> 00:11:18,774
Of course, Glenn.
286
00:11:18,809 --> 00:11:20,543
Welcome to our
home, Charmese.
287
00:11:20,577 --> 00:11:21,944
Sit anywhere you like.
288
00:11:21,978 --> 00:11:24,980
That chair with the garbage bag
taped over it looks pretty good.
289
00:11:26,433 --> 00:11:28,300
Meg, you look
pretty next to her.
290
00:11:28,335 --> 00:11:30,236
So, Charmese,
291
00:11:30,270 --> 00:11:32,004
I was thinking
of writing an article
292
00:11:32,038 --> 00:11:33,405
about you
for my school paper.
293
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,975
Do you charge black guys
more or less?
294
00:11:36,009 --> 00:11:37,643
Hmm, that's a hard question
to answer.
295
00:11:37,677 --> 00:11:39,345
Most of them get a group rate.
296
00:11:39,379 --> 00:11:41,113
Come on, now,
let's not talk about work.
297
00:11:41,148 --> 00:11:42,248
It's a dinner party.
298
00:11:42,282 --> 00:11:44,466
Are you and Glenn
thinking about children?
299
00:11:44,501 --> 00:11:47,036
Unfortunately,
I can't have children.
300
00:11:47,070 --> 00:11:48,637
Oh, menopause?
301
00:11:48,672 --> 00:11:51,841
No, I got knifed
in the vagina one Christmas.
302
00:11:51,875 --> 00:11:53,876
Ah, the holidays
are always stressful.
303
00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:56,345
I have $3.74.
304
00:11:56,379 --> 00:11:57,930
Do something to me.
305
00:11:59,366 --> 00:12:00,699
I love you.
306
00:12:00,734 --> 00:12:03,252
I want to take you
away from all this.
307
00:12:03,286 --> 00:12:05,204
They're supposedly putting
an ice cream place
308
00:12:05,238 --> 00:12:06,906
where the shoe store was.
309
00:12:06,940 --> 00:12:09,058
Excuse me, Lois,
where's your bathroom?
310
00:12:09,092 --> 00:12:11,126
I got to check on
a whistling sound.
311
00:12:11,128 --> 00:12:14,029
Upstairs, to the left.
312
00:12:14,064 --> 00:12:17,433
Um, I'm obsessed
with Charmese.
313
00:12:20,904 --> 00:12:22,304
Hey.
314
00:12:22,339 --> 00:12:23,339
Let's do it.
315
00:12:23,373 --> 00:12:24,990
What? You mean, like sex?
316
00:12:25,025 --> 00:12:26,575
Yeah, and we
should go now.
317
00:12:26,610 --> 00:12:28,250
I just stuffed everything
back into place.
318
00:12:28,278 --> 00:12:29,712
Uh, you know, Charmese,
319
00:12:29,746 --> 00:12:31,413
I don't really think
I'm in the mood.
320
00:12:31,448 --> 00:12:32,982
What? You're never
in the mood.
321
00:12:33,016 --> 00:12:34,416
We've been married
two weeks,
322
00:12:34,451 --> 00:12:36,452
and we haven't done it
since that first night.
323
00:12:36,486 --> 00:12:38,220
I haven't gone two
weeks without sex
324
00:12:38,255 --> 00:12:40,689
since I was in a
coma for six weeks.
325
00:12:40,724 --> 00:12:43,092
Yeah, sorry, Charmese,
I'm-I'm just not feeling it.
326
00:12:43,126 --> 00:12:45,127
Geez, what the hell's
your problem?
327
00:12:45,161 --> 00:12:47,029
What are... what are you,
gay or something?
328
00:12:47,063 --> 00:12:48,864
Excuse me?
You heard me.
329
00:12:48,899 --> 00:12:50,366
Are you some kind of 'mo?
330
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,168
Oh, God, please tell me I'm
not married to some Nancy boy.
331
00:12:53,203 --> 00:12:56,222
Why? Would that
be a problem?
332
00:12:56,256 --> 00:12:58,607
Are you kidding?
Course it would.
333
00:12:58,642 --> 00:13:01,043
My dream is to live the
married life and settle down.
334
00:13:01,077 --> 00:13:03,245
I can't be doing
that with no gay.
335
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:04,780
I see.
336
00:13:04,814 --> 00:13:07,750
Well, Charmese,
I have something to tell you,
337
00:13:07,784 --> 00:13:09,785
and this isn't easy.
338
00:13:09,819 --> 00:13:10,986
But I'm gay.
339
00:13:11,021 --> 00:13:12,454
What? No.
340
00:13:12,489 --> 00:13:13,756
You can't be.
341
00:13:13,790 --> 00:13:15,824
I was gonna be your
perfect little wife.
342
00:13:15,859 --> 00:13:18,494
I was gonna make you
breakfast maybe once a week,
343
00:13:18,528 --> 00:13:19,929
and give you stuff to do
344
00:13:19,963 --> 00:13:21,897
right when you walk through
the door after work.
345
00:13:21,915 --> 00:13:23,599
And I would've
loved that, Charmese,
346
00:13:23,633 --> 00:13:26,468
if I just weren't
so super duper double gay.
347
00:13:26,503 --> 00:13:29,271
Oh, this is awful.
348
00:13:29,306 --> 00:13:30,606
Aw, don't cry, Charmese.
349
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:31,890
You'll find the right guy.
350
00:13:31,925 --> 00:13:33,092
There's someone
for everyone.
351
00:13:33,126 --> 00:13:35,311
Even if you're
a narcissistic pedophile.
352
00:13:35,345 --> 00:13:38,013
Hey, Ma, we got any pictures
of me when I was a kid?
353
00:13:38,048 --> 00:13:39,598
Maybe something in a tub?
354
00:13:41,701 --> 00:13:43,769
I'm really sorry it
didn't work out, Glenn.
355
00:13:43,803 --> 00:13:45,204
Me, too, Charmese.
356
00:13:45,238 --> 00:13:46,572
I'll send
the divorce papers
357
00:13:46,606 --> 00:13:49,608
to that Rite Aid
where you brush your teeth.
358
00:13:51,194 --> 00:13:52,695
Hey, buddy, what happened?
She gone?
359
00:13:52,729 --> 00:13:54,179
Yep, I'm off
the hook, Peter.
360
00:13:54,214 --> 00:13:55,581
I told Charmese
I was gay,
361
00:13:55,615 --> 00:13:57,716
and now she's gonna consent
to a no-fault divorce.
362
00:13:57,751 --> 00:13:59,551
That's brilliant,
Quagmire.
363
00:13:59,586 --> 00:14:01,654
It's the exact opposite
of what Hugh Jackman does.
364
00:14:01,688 --> 00:14:03,989
Pretend you're gay
to get out of marriage.
365
00:14:04,024 --> 00:14:05,157
Thank God.
366
00:14:05,191 --> 00:14:06,492
I really dodged
a bullet there.
367
00:14:06,526 --> 00:14:08,360
I don't know what the
hell I was thinking.
368
00:14:08,395 --> 00:14:09,795
Eh, everybody
makes mistakes.
369
00:14:09,829 --> 00:14:11,196
Even doctors.
370
00:14:12,732 --> 00:14:14,566
You forgot to say...
371
00:14:14,601 --> 00:14:16,368
I forgot to say "clear."
372
00:14:16,403 --> 00:14:19,538
Finally, back to my old life.
373
00:14:20,690 --> 00:14:23,008
Hello, Internet porn.
374
00:14:23,043 --> 00:14:24,877
Man, I haven't done this
in two weeks.
375
00:14:24,911 --> 00:14:26,979
I should weigh myself
before and after.
376
00:14:27,013 --> 00:14:29,498
Sorry, I forgot
my prescription mouthwash.
377
00:14:29,532 --> 00:14:31,200
Aah!
Oh, my God.
378
00:14:31,234 --> 00:14:32,534
What are you watching?
379
00:14:32,569 --> 00:14:34,103
That... that's
straight porn.
380
00:14:34,137 --> 00:14:36,021
Listen, Charmese, it's not
what you think, all right?
381
00:14:36,056 --> 00:14:37,256
I've been poisoned,
382
00:14:37,290 --> 00:14:38,824
and I'm trying to
make myself throw up.
383
00:14:38,858 --> 00:14:40,843
Gay men don't watch
straight porn.
384
00:14:40,877 --> 00:14:43,078
You lied to me,
you son of a bitch.
385
00:14:43,113 --> 00:14:44,680
No, no, I'm gay, I swear!
386
00:14:44,714 --> 00:14:46,415
Here, watch me,
uh, uh, go there.
387
00:14:46,449 --> 00:14:47,916
Jen Aniston?
388
00:14:47,951 --> 00:14:50,386
More like Jen
Can't-get-a-man-iston!
389
00:14:50,420 --> 00:14:51,854
See? I went there.
390
00:14:51,888 --> 00:14:53,355
Damn it, Glenn,
if you're not gay,
391
00:14:53,390 --> 00:14:54,890
then the divorce is off.
392
00:14:54,924 --> 00:14:56,825
No, no, I am.
I swear to God.
393
00:14:56,860 --> 00:14:58,227
All right, fine.
394
00:14:58,261 --> 00:15:00,229
If you're really gay
and you want that divorce,
395
00:15:00,263 --> 00:15:02,131
all you got to do is one thing.
396
00:15:02,165 --> 00:15:03,632
Anything, Charmese. Name it.
397
00:15:03,666 --> 00:15:04,967
Prove it.
398
00:15:05,001 --> 00:15:07,069
Let me watch you have sex
with a man.
399
00:15:07,103 --> 00:15:08,804
Wh-What?
400
00:15:08,838 --> 00:15:10,005
You heard me.
401
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,241
I want to see you
get it on with a guy.
402
00:15:14,110 --> 00:15:16,378
All right, Charmese,
I'll do it.
403
00:15:16,413 --> 00:15:21,083
If that's what it takes,
I'll have sex with another man.
404
00:15:22,685 --> 00:15:23,919
Look, Daddy.
405
00:15:23,953 --> 00:15:25,654
Teacher says every
time a bell rings,
406
00:15:25,688 --> 00:15:28,390
some gay guy's gonna have
sex with another gay guy.
407
00:15:28,425 --> 00:15:31,493
We're gonna pull you
out of that school.
408
00:15:36,726 --> 00:15:39,695
We now return to
The Dyslexic Baseball Wrap-Up.
409
00:15:39,729 --> 00:15:41,713
And the Yew Nork Nankees
bave heaten
410
00:15:41,748 --> 00:15:44,483
the Oltimore Borioles nive
to foo here at Yamden Cards.
411
00:15:44,517 --> 00:15:46,952
The Borioles now
lace a fong toad rip
412
00:15:46,986 --> 00:15:48,704
where they'll
face the Sed Rox,
413
00:15:48,738 --> 00:15:50,972
the Revil Days
and the Jue Blays.
414
00:15:52,542 --> 00:15:54,176
Hey, Peter, you got a minute?
415
00:15:54,210 --> 00:15:55,777
Oh, yeah, sure.
Come on in, Quagmire.
416
00:15:55,812 --> 00:15:58,780
Listen, um, I need
to ask you to do something,
417
00:15:58,815 --> 00:16:00,782
and it's something huge.
418
00:16:00,817 --> 00:16:02,784
I mean, it's, like,
the biggest thing
419
00:16:02,819 --> 00:16:04,786
a guy could ever ask
his friend to do.
420
00:16:04,821 --> 00:16:06,988
Hey, we're best pals, right?
Whatever you need.
421
00:16:07,023 --> 00:16:08,356
All right,
and you have to understand,
422
00:16:08,391 --> 00:16:11,393
I would never ask you to do this
if I had any other choice
423
00:16:11,427 --> 00:16:12,861
and if what were at stake
424
00:16:12,895 --> 00:16:15,163
was anything less
than my entire way of life.
425
00:16:15,198 --> 00:16:16,665
Geez, Quagmire, what is it?
426
00:16:16,699 --> 00:16:18,266
Charmese won't
give me a divorce
427
00:16:18,301 --> 00:16:20,135
because she doesn't
believe I'm gay,
428
00:16:20,169 --> 00:16:24,139
so I need you to have sex
with me while she watches.
429
00:16:33,683 --> 00:16:35,350
I have some demands.
430
00:16:35,384 --> 00:16:36,685
Of course, of course.
431
00:16:36,719 --> 00:16:37,953
Nobody can ever know.
432
00:16:37,987 --> 00:16:39,688
Absolutely. I'm right there
with you on that one.
433
00:16:39,722 --> 00:16:41,256
There will be no
kissing on the mouth.
434
00:16:41,290 --> 00:16:42,791
Okay.
I changed my mind.
435
00:16:42,825 --> 00:16:44,459
There will be kissing
on the mouth.
436
00:16:44,494 --> 00:16:45,961
Uh, all right.
437
00:16:45,995 --> 00:16:47,162
Good. Now, what else?
438
00:16:47,196 --> 00:16:48,447
What else? Uh, yes.
439
00:16:48,481 --> 00:16:50,382
If, per chance,
it is beautiful,
440
00:16:50,416 --> 00:16:51,983
I reserve the
right to cry.
441
00:16:52,018 --> 00:16:53,518
Peter, I can't imagine
any scenario
442
00:16:53,553 --> 00:16:54,920
where this
is gonna be beautiful.
443
00:16:54,954 --> 00:16:56,021
Oh, I can.
444
00:16:56,055 --> 00:16:57,389
I'm a very
passionate man.
445
00:16:57,423 --> 00:16:59,541
Haven't you ever seen
my Spanish soap operas?
446
00:16:59,575 --> 00:17:01,326
Mi amor!
447
00:17:02,995 --> 00:17:04,312
Papa!
448
00:17:05,531 --> 00:17:07,065
Niño!
449
00:17:09,368 --> 00:17:11,503
Bueno.
450
00:17:22,131 --> 00:17:23,799
Peter, can we just
get out of here?
451
00:17:23,833 --> 00:17:25,283
I want to get
this over with.
452
00:17:25,318 --> 00:17:26,985
This was part
of the deal, Quagmire.
453
00:17:27,019 --> 00:17:28,787
I need this
to be a lovely evening.
454
00:17:28,821 --> 00:17:30,021
Fine.
455
00:17:30,056 --> 00:17:31,990
How was work today?
456
00:17:32,024 --> 00:17:33,425
I don't want to talk
about work.
457
00:17:33,459 --> 00:17:35,060
Hey, should we go
someplace else for dessert?
458
00:17:35,094 --> 00:17:36,428
You know, someplace fun,
downtown,
459
00:17:36,462 --> 00:17:37,863
where the college kids go?
460
00:17:37,897 --> 00:17:40,098
What? I'm not taking you to
two different restaurants.
461
00:17:40,132 --> 00:17:42,701
Huh. Hard to believe
your marriage isn't working out.
462
00:17:42,735 --> 00:17:44,653
A rose for the gentleman?
463
00:17:44,687 --> 00:17:46,288
What? No. Scram.
464
00:17:46,322 --> 00:17:48,323
Hey, I'm not just
a poorly cleaned butt.
465
00:17:48,357 --> 00:17:50,458
There's a whole man around it
you have to please.
466
00:17:50,493 --> 00:17:51,560
Fine.
467
00:17:51,594 --> 00:17:53,078
Here.
468
00:17:53,112 --> 00:17:55,030
Quagmire, what's going on
with you?
469
00:17:55,064 --> 00:17:56,565
You don't seem
very present tonight.
470
00:17:56,599 --> 00:17:57,883
Why are you so tense?
471
00:17:57,917 --> 00:18:00,452
I'm tense because I have
to bang you in 20 minutes!
472
00:18:00,486 --> 00:18:02,487
Well, if it's so much
of a chore.
473
00:18:03,773 --> 00:18:06,174
What the is
going on with my life?
474
00:18:09,145 --> 00:18:10,712
Okay, Charmese, here we go.
475
00:18:10,746 --> 00:18:12,581
Are you sure you want
to watch this?
476
00:18:12,615 --> 00:18:14,616
I'm just warning you,
you're in the splash zone.
477
00:18:14,650 --> 00:18:16,751
Ugh, if I get anything
out, I'll be happy.
478
00:18:16,786 --> 00:18:17,819
Get on with it.
479
00:18:17,854 --> 00:18:19,187
Uh, okay.
480
00:18:19,222 --> 00:18:22,274
Here, let me
stroke your hair.
481
00:18:22,308 --> 00:18:23,808
Thank you.
482
00:18:23,843 --> 00:18:26,311
I want to do gay
things for you.
483
00:18:26,345 --> 00:18:29,681
I... I crave your groin.
484
00:18:29,715 --> 00:18:33,552
Yes, and I cannot wait
to intertwine our bodies
485
00:18:33,586 --> 00:18:36,371
and make each other's
fingers smell terrible.
486
00:18:36,405 --> 00:18:38,106
Enough! Kiss each other.
487
00:18:43,980 --> 00:18:46,147
Oh, yeah,
that was so hot.
488
00:18:46,182 --> 00:18:48,049
Just like we always do.
489
00:18:48,084 --> 00:18:49,951
Now take off
each other's clothes.
490
00:18:49,986 --> 00:18:53,204
Oh, God, I'm so
excited for gay sex.
491
00:18:53,239 --> 00:18:54,606
Me, too.
492
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,292
Your body makes me
so horny.
493
00:18:57,326 --> 00:18:59,227
Shut up and do it.
494
00:19:06,202 --> 00:19:08,403
It's very close, Peter.
495
00:19:08,437 --> 00:19:11,273
The paintbrush
is about to touch the canvas.
496
00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:12,624
Come on, Peter.
497
00:19:12,642 --> 00:19:14,092
Sir Ian McKellen does this.
498
00:19:14,126 --> 00:19:15,310
You can do this.
499
00:19:15,344 --> 00:19:16,595
Here we go.
Here we go.
500
00:19:16,629 --> 00:19:17,979
Here we go!
Just do it!
501
00:19:18,014 --> 00:19:19,214
Wait.
502
00:19:19,248 --> 00:19:20,565
Stop.
503
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,902
Look, Glenn,
you're obviously not gay.
504
00:19:23,936 --> 00:19:25,620
Ye I am.
Well, I'm something
505
00:19:25,655 --> 00:19:27,923
'cause I've been at full-sail
for the last half hour.
506
00:19:27,957 --> 00:19:29,591
No, Glenn, you're not.
507
00:19:29,625 --> 00:19:31,927
I see that now,
and the truth is,
508
00:19:31,961 --> 00:19:34,462
if you're willing to go
this far to get a divorce,
509
00:19:34,497 --> 00:19:37,666
then maybe we shouldn't
be married after all.
510
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:39,801
What... what are you saying?
511
00:19:39,835 --> 00:19:42,370
I'm saying,
I'll give you your divorce.
512
00:19:42,405 --> 00:19:44,005
You're off the hook.
513
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,240
Oh.
514
00:19:45,274 --> 00:19:46,408
Oh, thank you, Charmese.
515
00:19:46,442 --> 00:19:47,709
Thank you so much.
516
00:19:47,743 --> 00:19:50,412
I-I can't believe
you'd do that for me.
517
00:19:50,446 --> 00:19:51,846
Well, it's for me, too.
518
00:19:51,881 --> 00:19:53,648
You were real nice
to me, Glenn,
519
00:19:53,683 --> 00:19:55,350
nicer than
any other guy's been,
520
00:19:55,384 --> 00:19:57,319
but I wanted
to be somebody's wife,
521
00:19:57,353 --> 00:19:59,654
not somebody's burden.
522
00:19:59,689 --> 00:20:01,172
Good luck to you, sweetie.
523
00:20:01,207 --> 00:20:03,274
And good luck to
you, Charmese.
524
00:20:03,309 --> 00:20:04,509
Thanks.
525
00:20:04,543 --> 00:20:06,277
You're very special to me.
526
00:20:06,312 --> 00:20:09,547
I'm sorry my urine melted a hole
through your toilet.
527
00:20:09,582 --> 00:20:10,782
Aw.
528
00:20:13,302 --> 00:20:15,286
Thank God that's over.
529
00:20:15,321 --> 00:20:16,655
Yeah, no kidding.
530
00:20:16,689 --> 00:20:18,923
Hey, you know, there's not
too many guys in the world
531
00:20:18,958 --> 00:20:20,792
who would be willing to do
something like that
532
00:20:20,826 --> 00:20:21,826
for their pal.
533
00:20:21,861 --> 00:20:23,028
Ah, don't mention it.
534
00:20:23,062 --> 00:20:24,362
No, no,
you're an amazing friend,
535
00:20:24,397 --> 00:20:25,830
and I really owe you.
536
00:20:25,865 --> 00:20:27,265
Thanks, Peter.
537
00:20:27,299 --> 00:20:29,300
Ah, you're welcome, buddy.
538
00:20:31,203 --> 00:20:33,882
Hey, Quagmire, why is the red
light blinking on your computer?
539
00:20:36,515 --> 00:20:38,466
What are
we watching? Glee?
540
00:20:38,501 --> 00:20:43,501
== sync, corrected by elderman ==