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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
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TV ANNOUNCER: ESPN now returns
to our 30 for 30 documentary
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00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:39,263
on the Houston Astros
cheating scandal.
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We knew the Astros
were stealing signals.
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Someone was back there
banging on a trash can.
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We just couldn't figure out who.
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NARRATOR: Several players were
interviewed by the league,
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but none would reveal
the mastermind
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of this garbage can scheme.
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Hey, everyone. I have some news.
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I got a job writing for
Quahog's top website, The Hog.
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Starting tomorrow,
I'm an online journalist.
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Isn't The Hog
that stupid pop culture site
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with those lame quizzes
telling you what character
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you are in a show?
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Peter's mad 'cause
he always gets Barney Rubble.
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If I were mad,
would I laugh like this?
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(laughs)
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I don't think so.
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Congratulations, Brian.
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Yeah, we're all very happy
for you.
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Thanks. I'm really excited.
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And I totally nailed
the interview.
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So, Brian,
I got a great recommendation
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from your last employer.
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Yes, I worked for Mr. Skin
at five dollars a pun.
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You know, I came up with
Halle's Berries,
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Elle Fanny, Abigail Breastlin.
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You're really good
at sexualizing children.
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-I-Is that a problem?
-No, no, no.
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That's a big part
of online journalism.
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Now, let's have a look
at your sample material.
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Well, I've got a listicle
of alcohol brands
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that are also guys' names.
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Whoa! Talk about
bursting out of the gates.
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Cardi B tweeted something
and I retweeted it
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with "This, this,
this, this, this."
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Wow. That is some
top-shelf journalism.
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And here's some pictures
of cute animals
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that wives can shove
in their husbands' faces
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to keep them
from ever going to sleep.
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Brian, stop. I can only hire you
so many times.
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Welcome to The Hog.
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I'll ask my roommate to move
his car so you can pull out.
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Cup of joe
and a greasy roll, please.
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Okay, whatever this is,
I already hate it.
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Sorry, I'm up against
a deadline on a big story.
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Major ramifications.
Lid, prepare to be blown off.
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"Best butts to sniff
at the park."
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I, um, I don't...
I-I don't think
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this is an article
for human readers.
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Now hold on there, Stewie,
just hear the man out.
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Thank you, Chris.
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I also posted a couple
of articles last night.
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Real think pieces.
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"Star Wars movies
ranked best to worst
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except for the two
I haven't seen."
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Well, that seems lazy.
And which two didn't you see?
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Uh, the original Star Wars
and The Empire Strikes Back.
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I'd still rather read that
than "9/11s since 2000
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"ranked best to worst.
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Number one may surprise you."
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September 11, 2014?
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We lost Richard Kiel,
the actor who portrayed Jaws
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in the James Bond films.
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♪ ♪
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All right, let's see
what's on demand.
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TV ANNOUNCER:
Thank you for watching
Cox Cable On Demand.
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We have a lot of great movies,
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like Guy Ritchie's Snatch
on Cox.
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All right...
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00:03:20,225 --> 00:03:21,925
And we've got other
great features.
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If you want to see
Carrie, Blow, Big, Shaft
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and the 2008 indie hit
Choke, you need Cox.
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Okay, I... I guess
they're all movies.
84
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And if you're looking
for comedy,
85
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check out performers
Lewis Black, Andy Dick,
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-and Ed Lover...
-Peter, turn off the TV.
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All right.
Guess who just wrote ten facts
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you didn't know
about Jerry Seinfeld.
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Is one that he's Jewish?
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-(clicks)
-Guess who just wrote
nine facts
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you didn't know
about Jerry Seinfeld.
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He likes classic cars?
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-(clicks)
-Guess who just wrote
eight facts
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you didn't know
about Jerry Seinfeld.
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You probably said he was Jewish
a second time.
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-(clicks)
-All right, new article,
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"One Fact You Didn't Know
About Michael Richards."
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You can't use that word
in an article.
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And I will find
a new show to write about.
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Hey, I'm working on a story
about fat guys
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belly-flopping onto cement.
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Will you put on these roller
skates and go clean the gutters?
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I'm not doing that.
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It might get retweeted
by Joe Rogan.
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Ooh. I'll do anything
Joe Rogan says.
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I think he's the best
dumb guy king we've ever had.
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When this story breaks,
it's gonna be big.
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Like when Horton heard The Who.
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♪ All right... ♪
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That's not singing,
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-it's just screaming.
-♪ Yeah! ♪
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Okay, I have to write
an article on the life
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of the town's hero and brewery
founder, Pawtucket Pat.
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Now, where's the normal,
well-adjusted person
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who works in
a small-town archive?
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Yes?
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I, uh... I'm-I'm looking
for some old manuscripts.
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Excellent.
Bats, take me to him.
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(squeaking)
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Okay, this is everything
they have on Pat.
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God, I bet no one's even read
most of this stuff before.
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Huh, what's this?
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Some kind of leather-bound book
sealed with wax.
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Wow.
I think it's his diary.
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See?
Men can too have diaries.
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Yeah, his cover
doesn't have sparkles, champ.
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First page.
"Dad, don't read this."
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Second page. "Seriously, Dad,
don't read this."
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Third page.
"Dad, what are you doing?
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Don't read this."
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Fourth page.
"I kissed my sister."
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Okay, let's flip ahead.
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Oh, my God.
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-What?
-He says that he didn't create
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his recipe for beer.
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He stole it
from some Native Americans
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and killed them
to keep his secret,
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and then he kissed
his sister again.
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What?
That's insane.
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Pawtucket Pat is the most
revered person in Quahog.
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Not anymore.
This is a big story.
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Can you believe it? It's like
we're Woodward and Berenstain.
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Follow the honey.
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(indistinct chatter)
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What the hell?
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Hey, hey.
What are you guys doing?
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Why are you so upset about Pat?
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Pawtucket Pat was a phony!
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(chuckles)
I remember you.
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But no, he isn't.
He's a hero.
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Not anymore.
He's a racist murderer
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and this statue
should be torn down.
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(sighs) God, there's a lot
wrong with this,
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but you can't tear this down.
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Pat's an icon.
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That statue belongs
right here in the park,
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next to the statue
of Quahog's greatest missionary,
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Father Touchboys.
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That statue was removed
a year ago.
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For what?!
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Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
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Our top story: the revelations
about local hero Pawtucket Pat
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continue to rock Quahog.
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The town is divided
over whether his statue
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should remain in the park.
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Even the pigeons who poop on it
are in a moral quandary.
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So, what do you two think of
the statue being on public land?
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-Coo.
-Not coo.
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PETER:
My friend is the mailman.
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I'm gonna give him
a heart attack.
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Good job, Brian. Your work
has actually made an impact.
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Thanks, Stewie.
I think everybody's
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gonna be happy about this.
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Where do you get off?!
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In my bedroom, mostly.
Sometimes the bathroom.
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Or wherever I see
a lady seal an envelope.
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Good, good. I am glad
we can talk frankly about sex.
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And Brian,
how dare you try to take down
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the statue of Pawtucket Pat?
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Oh, my God.
You don't actually support
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keeping it there, do you?
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Of course I do.
It's been there my whole life.
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And I am gonna do whatever
it takes to keep it up.
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Finally, Peter cares
about keeping something up.
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00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:51,711
Lois, will you stifle yourself?
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(laughter, applause)
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Yesterday, Meg sat there
without pants.
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Yuck.
Brian, Pat is a hero.
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H-He practically built Quahog.
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00:08:02,131 --> 00:08:03,389
And his statue
is part of the town.
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00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:05,317
And I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let
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00:08:05,510 --> 00:08:08,044
some draft-dodging liberals
tear it down.
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00:08:08,063 --> 00:08:09,488
-We don't have a draft.
-Well, then,
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00:08:09,681 --> 00:08:11,715
who shaved my head
and yelled at me for two months?
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00:08:11,775 --> 00:08:14,475
Peter, we've been over this.
That was the Heaven's Gate cult.
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00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:16,219
Oh, right, that-that thing
with the shoes.
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00:08:16,279 --> 00:08:17,979
Yeah, o-once I got the shoes,
I split.
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00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,405
The statue has got to go.
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00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,333
Brian, for years,
it's been a tradition
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00:08:21,526 --> 00:08:23,668
that every boy,
when he turns 16,
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00:08:23,820 --> 00:08:27,063
has to kiss the statue's crotch
while his friends take pictures.
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00:08:27,082 --> 00:08:28,565
That's not a tradition.
203
00:08:28,625 --> 00:08:31,918
Ah, then I think
some fun was had at my expense.
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00:08:32,070 --> 00:08:34,346
Peter, we can't leave a symbol
like that in the town square.
205
00:08:34,497 --> 00:08:36,256
Pawtucket Pat
was a horrible racist.
206
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,408
Well, so is Tucker Carlson,
but we still say hi to him
207
00:08:38,468 --> 00:08:39,851
at the company picnic.
208
00:08:40,003 --> 00:08:41,745
Brian, if you apply
the values of today
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00:08:41,805 --> 00:08:44,097
to people who lived
almost 300 year ago,
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00:08:44,249 --> 00:08:46,024
uh, doesn't that mean we'd have
to take down the statues
211
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:47,842
of pretty much everyone?
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00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,586
I-I mean,
where do you draw the line?
213
00:08:49,646 --> 00:08:52,088
Wait a minute, y-you don't agree
with Peter, do you?
214
00:08:52,148 --> 00:08:54,257
I don't know.
I-I'm uncomfortable
215
00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:56,684
with a racist statue being smack
in the middle of Quahog,
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00:08:56,745 --> 00:09:00,780
but as a woman, I need landmarks
to find my way around town.
217
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:04,434
I mean, without that statue,
I'm completely disoriented.
218
00:09:04,452 --> 00:09:07,546
Okay, if anyone needs me,
I'll be in the kitchen.
219
00:09:09,365 --> 00:09:10,882
Damn it, who moved the lamp?
220
00:09:11,075 --> 00:09:13,610
Well, what does the rest
of the family think? Chris?
221
00:09:13,670 --> 00:09:16,780
-Ha! You got sunflowered.
-What?
222
00:09:16,798 --> 00:09:19,224
When a Gen Z kid
wants out of a conversation,
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00:09:19,417 --> 00:09:21,560
he leaves a large sunflower
in his place.
224
00:09:21,753 --> 00:09:23,061
That's ridiculous.
There is no way
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00:09:23,254 --> 00:09:24,954
that children
regularly disappear
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00:09:24,973 --> 00:09:26,956
and then replace themselves
with sunflowers
227
00:09:27,017 --> 00:09:28,474
just to express their boredom.
228
00:09:28,627 --> 00:09:31,236
Ha. You got sunflowered again.
229
00:09:31,429 --> 00:09:32,737
Why are you back?
230
00:09:32,889 --> 00:09:34,647
(scoffs)
We only have one sunflower.
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00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,483
Okay, I-I clearly don't
understand your generation,
232
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,744
but Meg, you're currently
taking world history.
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00:09:39,937 --> 00:09:41,654
What do you think
should happen to the statue?
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00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:45,141
I don't care.
I'm an agent of chaos.
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Ow! Well, screw you guys.
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00:09:47,037 --> 00:09:50,589
Pawtucket Pat is a hero.
That statue ain't going nowhere.
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00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,833
It's a part of history.
Just like Catherine the Great.
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00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,668
My great people of Russia.
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00:09:55,762 --> 00:10:00,323
As your empress, my legacy shall
be expanding Russia's borders,
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00:10:00,383 --> 00:10:02,583
growing her armies,
building palaces
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00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:05,252
that will be admired
for centuries...
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00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,755
We heard you had sex
with a horse!
243
00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:12,168
I have created alliances with
the great powers of Europe...
244
00:10:12,228 --> 00:10:14,170
What about the horse sex?
245
00:10:14,230 --> 00:10:16,172
There is no horse sex!
246
00:10:16,232 --> 00:10:17,857
Is this guy
bothering you, Cathy?
247
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,618
I can handle this.
248
00:10:22,364 --> 00:10:25,957
Hey guys, I got you all "Keep
Up the Statue" hats, or "KUTS."
249
00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:29,794
Kuts? Isn't that the lady's
hairdresser down the street?
250
00:10:29,946 --> 00:10:32,047
Why don't you tell me?
251
00:10:34,376 --> 00:10:36,117
Peter, I'm not wearing
a Kuts hat.
252
00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:37,785
Come on, if I refer
three friends,
253
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:38,987
I get a free blowout.
254
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:40,546
Tell them
Mary Sparkles sent you.
255
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,016
But never call me that
in front of my family.
256
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,478
Where was this place, again?
257
00:10:46,629 --> 00:10:49,296
Peter, anybody who supports
that statue is a racist.
258
00:10:49,358 --> 00:10:52,133
Racist? How can
a 300-pound white guy
259
00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:54,711
who looks at black porn
be racist?
260
00:10:54,729 --> 00:10:56,321
Here, Peter.
You were sent a beer
261
00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:58,156
by that table of businessmen.
262
00:10:58,307 --> 00:11:00,049
-Which table?
-No, no. No, no. Don't look.
263
00:11:00,151 --> 00:11:02,385
Make them come to you.
264
00:11:02,404 --> 00:11:04,704
You guys haven't read
my book, have you?
265
00:11:09,119 --> 00:11:11,244
-Peter, they're leaving.
-They'll come.
266
00:11:11,396 --> 00:11:13,413
They're getting in
their vehicle.
267
00:11:13,565 --> 00:11:15,322
-They're pulling into the street
without looking.
-(tires screech, loud crash)
268
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,083
Oh, no, they've been hit
by a bus!
269
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:19,252
They'll come.
I followed the rules.
270
00:11:19,404 --> 00:11:21,346
Peter, they can't come.
They're dead.
271
00:11:21,539 --> 00:11:24,165
That was the day
I lost my sparkle.
272
00:11:24,226 --> 00:11:27,018
I was just Mary after that.
273
00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,506
Excuse me, would you sign
this petition demanding
274
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,008
that the city take down the...
275
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:35,509
Take down the what?
276
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,511
-Uh, nothing.
-Good.
277
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:40,089
Hey, could you do me a favor
and elbow-wipe
278
00:11:40,108 --> 00:11:42,850
74 years of pigeon (bleep)
off my shoulders?
279
00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,703
Uh, okay.
280
00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:47,280
Who are you, anyway?
281
00:11:47,432 --> 00:11:49,523
I'm Rhode Island founder
Roger Williams,
282
00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:52,359
otherwise known as the end
of the worst field trip
283
00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,437
in elementary school history.
284
00:11:54,497 --> 00:11:57,440
It's true.
The kids are very disappointed.
285
00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:02,053
Oh, yeah, "And Wife" is totally
getting' them jazzed.
286
00:12:02,246 --> 00:12:06,182
-(horn honks)
-Move, Brian, you're in my spot.
287
00:12:08,044 --> 00:12:09,619
You're Mrs. Groceries?
288
00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:11,545
She touched the manager
over the pants.
289
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:14,123
Love her or hate her,
she plays to win.
290
00:12:14,142 --> 00:12:15,567
-Anyway, how's it going?
-Not good.
291
00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:17,569
I'm not getting any signatures
on this petition.
292
00:12:17,762 --> 00:12:19,553
Really? It looks like
you've got quite a few.
293
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:22,148
Oh, mostly they just say,
"Brian is gay."
294
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,576
Yeah, I have to be careful.
If 200 people write it,
295
00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:26,894
-it goes on the ballot.
-Well, at least you're trying.
296
00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:28,154
I mean, what is Peter doing
297
00:12:28,306 --> 00:12:29,581
to drum up support
for his side?
298
00:12:29,732 --> 00:12:31,324
PETER (on bullhorn):
Ladies and gentlemen,
299
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:34,544
to support Pawtucket Pat,
please welcome Kid Rock.
300
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,572
Hello, Quahog.
301
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,501
Whenever there's a town debate
with racial overtones,
302
00:12:41,653 --> 00:12:44,453
-I'm there on the wrong side.
-(all cheering)
303
00:12:44,473 --> 00:12:46,598
Aw, crap, everybody run.
It's Adult Rock.
304
00:12:46,791 --> 00:12:49,008
Kid, you want to tell me why
I found your mother's
305
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,919
best T-shirt-cutting scissors
outside in the rain?
306
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,846
-(scoffs) I don't know.
-(sighs)
307
00:12:53,999 --> 00:12:57,233
Why can't you be more
like your brother, The?
308
00:13:00,930 --> 00:13:03,356
Rupert, I was going over
our credit card statement.
309
00:13:03,492 --> 00:13:06,526
There's a charge for two tickets
to Tootsie the musical,
310
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:10,604
yet I don't remember going
to see Tootsie the musical.
311
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:14,441
Now, I'm hoping the good news
is I'm ruining the surprise.
312
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,369
God, I can't believe
Peter is actually winning
313
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,371
public support
for that damn statue.
314
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,189
And he's throwing rocks
through my window,
315
00:13:20,250 --> 00:13:21,448
and it's his house.
316
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,784
-(Peter grunting)
-(heavy thud)
317
00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:25,286
Ugh, that rock was too heavy.
318
00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:28,122
Got to find something lighter.
319
00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:30,216
Okay, so something in between.
320
00:13:30,368 --> 00:13:31,792
That statue is such a disgrace.
321
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:33,536
I'll tell you,
part of me wants to march down
322
00:13:33,638 --> 00:13:35,388
to that park
and remove it myself.
323
00:13:35,524 --> 00:13:37,682
Well, why don't you?
It'd be a noble act.
324
00:13:37,876 --> 00:13:39,484
Think of it
as civil disobedience.
325
00:13:39,677 --> 00:13:41,635
Disobedience?
But I'm a good boy.
326
00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:44,322
I obey. I always obey.
I'm a good boy who obeys.
327
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,215
Okay, d-don't think
of it as disobedience,
328
00:13:46,234 --> 00:13:47,884
Forget I used that word.
329
00:13:47,986 --> 00:13:49,494
You're a weird guy, Bri.
330
00:13:49,687 --> 00:13:51,645
A weird doggy guy.
331
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:54,256
PETER:
Ha! Found some medium rocks.
332
00:13:54,258 --> 00:13:56,059
You know what?
That's a great idea.
333
00:13:56,077 --> 00:13:59,153
Like not separating immigrant
children from their families.
334
00:13:59,214 --> 00:14:01,422
(applause)
335
00:14:03,418 --> 00:14:05,251
If you're the first one
to stop applauding,
336
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:07,070
that means you're racist.
337
00:14:07,088 --> 00:14:09,180
(applause intensifies)
338
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,433
(applause continues)
339
00:14:14,879 --> 00:14:15,928
(applause stops)
340
00:14:16,081 --> 00:14:17,580
Thanks for helping me, Stewie.
341
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:18,931
All right, let's tie the rope
around the statue
342
00:14:19,084 --> 00:14:20,341
and tow it out of here.
343
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,767
All right, great.
But before we begin,
344
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:23,753
I'm just going to use
the park bathroom
345
00:14:23,855 --> 00:14:25,446
-at night.
-Stewie, no.
346
00:14:28,726 --> 00:14:30,118
I got a lollipop!
347
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,039
That's great, bud.
348
00:14:42,073 --> 00:14:44,716
Now let's stop talking about
that lollipop and get to work.
349
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,797
Okay, we're almost
ready to do this.
350
00:14:51,950 --> 00:14:53,116
Did you bring the masks?
351
00:14:53,134 --> 00:14:54,800
-Right here.
-What the hell is this?
352
00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:56,636
You said to bring masks.
353
00:14:56,788 --> 00:14:58,730
These are from last year's
charity ball at the Guggenheim.
354
00:14:58,923 --> 00:15:01,140
Whatever. Just help me
tie this rope to the car.
355
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,384
Sorry, I need a free hand
to hold up my mask.
356
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:05,528
Enough with the damn masks!
357
00:15:12,395 --> 00:15:14,537
All right, let's get this statue
out of here.
358
00:15:28,285 --> 00:15:31,578
I guess you only paid
for driver's side airbags.
359
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,016
Yeah. When I bought this, I was
dating a girl I didn't like.
360
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:43,666
Wow, look at this.
361
00:15:43,726 --> 00:15:45,944
The statue's disappearance
is being covered everywhere.
362
00:15:46,095 --> 00:15:47,670
I can't believe
we really did it.
363
00:15:47,689 --> 00:15:49,522
-I just hope
we don't get caught.
-So what?
364
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:52,008
Mom would just ground us
and take away screen time,
365
00:15:52,068 --> 00:15:54,786
and then realize that without
screens, she has to entertain us
366
00:15:54,937 --> 00:15:56,270
and immediately give it back.
367
00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:58,698
Stewie, destroying
a statue is a felony.
368
00:15:58,808 --> 00:16:00,199
If we're caught,
we'll go to prison.
369
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,201
Prison?!
I can't go to prison.
370
00:16:02,353 --> 00:16:04,704
Peter watched
all six seasons of Oz
371
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,372
with me in a Babybjörn.
372
00:16:06,524 --> 00:16:09,283
I'm too young to have
someone go poo on my face.
373
00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:13,179
Well, there's really
no good age for it to happen.
374
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:18,810
All right, Stewie, just relax.
375
00:16:18,961 --> 00:16:21,037
And don't do that weird,
nervous laugh you do
376
00:16:21,097 --> 00:16:22,872
-when you're hiding something.
-Got it.
377
00:16:22,890 --> 00:16:26,058
-Morning, everybody.
-Where have you guys been?
378
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:27,819
(cackles)
379
00:16:28,012 --> 00:16:29,136
No-Nowhere, of course!
380
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,713
(quietly):
Will you calm down?
381
00:16:30,732 --> 00:16:32,381
So, uh, where's Peter?
382
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,900
Uh, he went to some rally
'cause the statue's gone.
383
00:16:35,053 --> 00:16:39,146
He's angrier than Al Pacino's
forehead liver spots.
384
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,240
Comb your hair down
instead of up.
385
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,501
Give us some shade.
We're dying up here.
386
00:16:43,652 --> 00:16:45,152
Yeah, what do you call
that haircut?
387
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,653
You're nearly 80 years old.
388
00:16:46,789 --> 00:16:48,506
You look like the kid
from Jerry Maguire.
389
00:16:48,699 --> 00:16:51,342
What are you going for
with all of these spots?
390
00:16:51,494 --> 00:16:53,919
I want to look like
mashed potatoes,
391
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:56,088
with the skins on.
392
00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:58,391
(indistinct chatter)
393
00:17:10,387 --> 00:17:12,104
This is awesome.
What a turnout.
394
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,014
And look, here comes Fox News.
395
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,850
(horn playing "Dixie")
396
00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:19,370
It's amazing how recently
that show aired.
397
00:17:19,563 --> 00:17:22,523
That statue was a travesty
and so is the brewery.
398
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,858
They should close it
and make juice instead.
399
00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:26,269
What?
How dare you?
400
00:17:26,329 --> 00:17:28,046
Juice will not replace us.
401
00:17:28,197 --> 00:17:29,955
(chanting):
Juice will not replace us!
402
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:32,108
Juice will not replace us!
403
00:17:32,126 --> 00:17:33,551
My God, Peter,
what are you doing?
404
00:17:33,702 --> 00:17:36,554
Taking up politics
to avoid intimacy with my wife.
405
00:17:36,747 --> 00:17:38,222
Peter, is that you?
406
00:17:38,415 --> 00:17:40,707
(gasps) I thought
we could protest together.
407
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,619
All right, no more politics.
Time for trains in the basement.
408
00:17:43,679 --> 00:17:46,289
-MAN: Stop!
-Collaborate and listen.
409
00:17:46,349 --> 00:17:48,232
We are from
the Narragansett tribe,
410
00:17:48,425 --> 00:17:51,385
from whom Pawtucket Pat
stole his recipe.
411
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:55,556
And we are annoyed that no one
has asked us what we think.
412
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:58,484
You guys kind of dress
like weekend Jay Leno.
413
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:02,655
Thank you. We've just come
from the Wang-Holder wedding.
414
00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:03,989
(laughs)
See?
415
00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:05,808
Little more of that,
John Oliver,
416
00:18:05,827 --> 00:18:07,919
and maybe you'll finally
get that 14th Emmy.
417
00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:09,736
Well, what do you guys think?
418
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,239
This statue is only the tip
of the iceberg.
419
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:15,151
The pressing issue isn't
what someone did 300 years ago,
420
00:18:15,253 --> 00:18:17,578
it's how do we help
Native Americans today
421
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:21,248
and end the institutional racism
that still plagues society?
422
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,059
The poverty rate
on reservations...
423
00:18:24,128 --> 00:18:26,771
Oh, damn, you got sunflowered.
424
00:18:26,922 --> 00:18:28,106
Everyone, come back.
425
00:18:28,299 --> 00:18:30,333
Uh, come back.
he makes a good point.
426
00:18:30,351 --> 00:18:33,594
We've all been so focused
on what the statue means to us
427
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,020
we didn't even stop to consider
428
00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:37,264
how Pawtucket Pat
affected others.
429
00:18:37,358 --> 00:18:39,008
But Pat's the town hero.
430
00:18:39,068 --> 00:18:41,694
If he's nothing,
then so is Quahog.
431
00:18:41,846 --> 00:18:44,196
-(indistinct chatter)
-No, it's not.
432
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:47,125
Quahog is still
a wonderful town.
433
00:18:47,318 --> 00:18:49,627
I-I mean, we still got
one of those Arby's signs.
434
00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:52,463
You know? T-The old ones,
you know, with the big old hat?
435
00:18:52,656 --> 00:18:54,632
That's been gone for ten years.
436
00:18:54,825 --> 00:18:56,968
Oh, (bleep) this place.
437
00:18:57,161 --> 00:18:58,785
No, no, you know what?
No.
438
00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:00,546
Quahog is a wonderful town,
439
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,866
because of who we are
and what we do,
440
00:19:03,926 --> 00:19:07,961
not because of some guy
who stole beer 300 years ago.
441
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:10,130
Especially when
he did horrible things
442
00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:12,132
to some of our fellow citizens.
443
00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:14,727
Yeah, I guess you're right.
444
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,045
Thank you, Peter.
445
00:19:16,063 --> 00:19:17,804
Now, crowd of angry whites,
446
00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:21,492
I think we all owe our Native
American friends an apology.
447
00:19:21,685 --> 00:19:23,052
ALL:
Sorry.
448
00:19:23,154 --> 00:19:24,887
Angry whites.
449
00:19:24,947 --> 00:19:27,314
-ALL: Sorry!
-That's better.
450
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:30,150
Well, Brian, I guess
I owe you an apology, too.
451
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:31,836
You were right from the start.
452
00:19:32,029 --> 00:19:33,654
Sorry things got
so heated between us
453
00:19:33,756 --> 00:19:35,731
and that I took a dump
in your dog food.
454
00:19:35,791 --> 00:19:38,342
-Wait, what?
-I know. Politics, huh?
455
00:19:38,535 --> 00:19:42,180
-Come on everybody,
let's go home.
-I'll drive.
456
00:19:44,875 --> 00:19:47,018
Where the hell are we?
457
00:19:54,585 --> 00:19:56,009
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
458
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,437
Our top story:
the statue of Pawtucket Pat
459
00:19:58,589 --> 00:20:00,773
was found earlier today
in the Quahog River.
460
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,517
In the spirit of compromise,
the town has decided
461
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,852
that it will be
relocated to the Quahog Museum,
462
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,521
where it will be both remembered
463
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,523
and never seen
by anyone ever again.
464
00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:12,451
Well, thank God this whole
controversy is behind us.
465
00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:15,046
Yeah. And Peter, I'm glad
you came to your senses.
466
00:20:15,197 --> 00:20:18,123
Me, too. You know, we might
even win an award for this.
467
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:20,218
-Really?
-Yeah, award voters love it
468
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:21,886
when someone
with a right-leaning viewpoint
469
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,537
admits they're wrong.
470
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,947
They declare
it's good storytelling
471
00:20:25,007 --> 00:20:26,224
and character development.
472
00:20:26,417 --> 00:20:28,226
Ooh, like Three Billboards.
473
00:20:28,419 --> 00:20:30,453
-And Green Book.
-Driving Miss Daisy.
474
00:20:30,513 --> 00:20:32,063
American History X.
475
00:20:32,256 --> 00:20:33,898
Yeah, all those.
And many more.
476
00:20:34,091 --> 00:20:37,050
But can anyone name a single
movie where someone on the left
477
00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:40,796
took on a more
Republican-leaning viewpoint?
478
00:20:40,856 --> 00:20:42,815
Doesn't even have
to have won an award.
479
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,951
Just has to exist.
480
00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:48,487
Anyone?
481
00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:50,656
Anything?
482
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,918
What about Fritz Lang's
Metropolis?
483
00:20:54,111 --> 00:20:55,311
How'd you get here?
484
00:20:55,371 --> 00:20:58,572
Mm, in my Hyundai Sonata.
485
00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:00,299
(shudders)
486
00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:34,292
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH