1 00:00:00,823 --> 00:00:04,861 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,978 --> 00:00:08,127 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,213 --> 00:00:11,799 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,901 --> 00:00:14,933 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:18,137 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,199 --> 00:00:21,518 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,585 --> 00:00:23,183 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:24,715 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,809 --> 00:00:31,040 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ *FAMILY GUY* Season 16 Episode 06 Title: "The D in Apartment 23" 10 00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:34,971 ♪♪ 11 00:00:35,238 --> 00:00:38,238 Thanks for driving me to the library for story time, Brian. 12 00:00:38,324 --> 00:00:40,610 Today we're reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar 13 00:00:40,676 --> 00:00:42,176 vs. The Human Centipede. 14 00:00:42,277 --> 00:00:43,807 I heard it's like Alien vs. Predator 15 00:00:43,874 --> 00:00:45,637 with a little bit more butt eating. 16 00:00:45,769 --> 00:00:47,949 That does sound fun, but what if I took you 17 00:00:48,009 --> 00:00:50,180 - to a different library today? - What? 18 00:00:50,247 --> 00:00:53,262 But I like my library. I met Curious George there. 19 00:00:53,410 --> 00:00:55,469 Mom said he was a puppet, but she's stupid. 20 00:00:55,527 --> 00:00:57,227 I'm just saying we should go to the library 21 00:00:57,285 --> 00:00:58,355 at Quahog University 22 00:00:58,422 --> 00:01:00,321 and take your education to a higher level. 23 00:01:00,388 --> 00:01:03,124 I guess I can try it. I mean, I do want to get ahead. 24 00:01:03,191 --> 00:01:06,629 I don't want to end up like Meg, doing sad one-woman shows. 25 00:01:06,827 --> 00:01:10,497 ♪ Oh, I love trash ♪ 26 00:01:10,591 --> 00:01:14,729 ♪ Anything dirty or dingy or dusty ♪ 27 00:01:14,897 --> 00:01:19,066 ♪ Anything ragged or rotten or rusty ♪ 28 00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:23,513 ♪ Yes, I love trash... ♪ 29 00:01:23,679 --> 00:01:25,005 Whose fault is this? 30 00:01:25,112 --> 00:01:26,912 You're wearing a garbage bag as a cape. 31 00:01:26,970 --> 00:01:27,989 Who do you think? 32 00:01:28,047 --> 00:01:30,614 - Him? - Shh. She's crushing it! 33 00:01:39,481 --> 00:01:41,747 Oh, yeah. That's good library. 34 00:01:41,841 --> 00:01:44,733 Aw, you didn't come here for me; you came to be a creep. 35 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,203 Whatever. You go do your thing. 36 00:01:46,270 --> 00:01:48,768 I'm gonna go watch that young hotshot attorney over there 37 00:01:48,835 --> 00:01:50,716 who's clearly in the middle of a movie montage. 38 00:01:50,816 --> 00:01:54,456 ♪♪ upbeat soundtrack plays... 39 00:01:54,732 --> 00:01:57,825 ♪♪ 40 00:02:02,566 --> 00:02:05,436 Oh! He found it. He's gonna win the case. 41 00:02:08,018 --> 00:02:10,106 Oh, no. It was a '70s movie. 42 00:02:10,171 --> 00:02:12,169 ♪♪ Somber soundtrack plays... 43 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,240 ♪♪ 44 00:02:21,239 --> 00:02:23,028 - So, who you reading? - George Eliot. 45 00:02:23,122 --> 00:02:24,598 Ah, Georgie. 46 00:02:24,669 --> 00:02:25,712 I'm a big fan. 47 00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:26,950 - I think he, uh... - She. 48 00:02:27,008 --> 00:02:29,153 ..she said it best when she said... 49 00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:31,841 "Bantam Press, 1851." 50 00:02:33,731 --> 00:02:35,227 - Lumineers? - What? 51 00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:36,591 - Hmm? - You just said... 52 00:02:36,649 --> 00:02:38,267 .. "Lumineers" with no context. 53 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:40,221 Did I do that? 54 00:02:40,288 --> 00:02:41,592 Ugh! 55 00:02:42,758 --> 00:02:44,145 Tumblr? 56 00:02:44,202 --> 00:02:46,645 ♪♪ 57 00:02:46,836 --> 00:02:50,637 Wow, I've never seen someone go oh for six in 15 minutes before. 58 00:02:50,790 --> 00:02:53,880 Just hard rejection after hard rejection. 59 00:02:56,202 --> 00:02:58,692 - What's going on over there? - Looks like a student rally. 60 00:02:58,817 --> 00:03:00,570 They probably forgot to study for an exam, 61 00:03:00,628 --> 00:03:02,144 so they organized a protest. 62 00:03:02,211 --> 00:03:04,078 In the '90s, you'd just pull a fire alarm... 63 00:03:04,145 --> 00:03:05,268 now you hold a protest. 64 00:03:05,326 --> 00:03:08,549 That is, when they're not looking down at their phones. 65 00:03:12,362 --> 00:03:13,606 Hey, what's going on? 66 00:03:13,664 --> 00:03:15,913 Someone wrote "weird" on the transgender bathroom, 67 00:03:15,971 --> 00:03:17,737 and the school president didn't overreact, 68 00:03:17,795 --> 00:03:19,338 so we want him fired! 69 00:03:19,479 --> 00:03:20,695 Seems reasonable. 70 00:03:20,762 --> 00:03:21,838 Exactly! 71 00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,263 Oh, I see news cameras. 72 00:03:23,330 --> 00:03:27,237 I'm gonna yell "Viva la Stool" like a young, white drunkard. 73 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:30,284 And last week, a professor told his class to have a nice day, 74 00:03:30,342 --> 00:03:31,601 which is microaggression, 75 00:03:31,659 --> 00:03:33,351 because in our systemic rape culture 76 00:03:33,409 --> 00:03:34,810 no day is a nice day. 77 00:03:34,877 --> 00:03:36,686 So we want him fired, too. 78 00:03:36,765 --> 00:03:38,511 Hey, if you don't want to get fired, 79 00:03:38,569 --> 00:03:40,358 - don't become a teacher, right? - Totally. 80 00:03:40,416 --> 00:03:42,622 You should tweet that. #FireEveryone. 81 00:03:42,783 --> 00:03:44,119 Viva la Stool! 82 00:03:44,186 --> 00:03:46,804 Well, I guess I could fire up my account again. 83 00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:48,424 All right, open app. 84 00:03:48,531 --> 00:03:50,223 Got a bunch of those. No biggie. 85 00:03:50,390 --> 00:03:51,594 Typing tweet. 86 00:03:51,661 --> 00:03:53,126 Blast off in three, 87 00:03:53,193 --> 00:03:54,664 two, one, 88 00:03:54,731 --> 00:03:56,437 and tweeted. 89 00:03:56,554 --> 00:03:58,898 I am back in the game. See? 90 00:03:59,297 --> 00:04:00,507 Oop, you're gone. 91 00:04:00,678 --> 00:04:02,265 And the crowd is gone. 92 00:04:02,441 --> 00:04:04,125 And the animators are gone. 93 00:04:04,477 --> 00:04:08,328 ♪♪ 94 00:04:09,164 --> 00:04:11,059 Hey, Stewie, what do you think about this tweet? 95 00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:12,480 Oh, don't be that guy. 96 00:04:12,547 --> 00:04:14,554 "Kelly Ripa no-shows at work." 97 00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:17,297 Who does she think she is, a Republican senator? 98 00:04:17,531 --> 00:04:19,726 #G-O-P-U. 99 00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:22,199 Three references in one tweet. I'm sweating. 100 00:04:22,257 --> 00:04:23,984 I'll just add it to my notes for later. 101 00:04:24,068 --> 00:04:25,699 Why are you getting into Twitter now? 102 00:04:25,759 --> 00:04:28,562 Unless you're an athlete or a celebrity, no one cares. 103 00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,281 A lot of people like my stuff. 104 00:04:30,399 --> 00:04:33,114 Oh, yeah? Someone needs to tell Donald Trump 105 00:04:33,172 --> 00:04:34,261 it's not fashionable 106 00:04:34,319 --> 00:04:36,252 to wear orange on your face after Labor Day. 107 00:04:36,471 --> 00:04:38,234 #OompaTrumpa. 108 00:04:38,328 --> 00:04:40,226 Zero retweets. Zero likes. 109 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,752 - Yeah, viral. - You know, I don't care. 110 00:04:41,809 --> 00:04:43,453 You can't stop me. Just like people 111 00:04:43,511 --> 00:04:45,539 can't stop Peter from ordering shepherd's pie. 112 00:04:45,954 --> 00:04:47,692 And what can I get for you, sir? 113 00:04:47,790 --> 00:04:48,988 I'll have the shepherd's pie. 114 00:04:49,086 --> 00:04:50,923 I'm sorry, but that's not on the menu. 115 00:04:51,053 --> 00:04:52,685 - Well, do you have potatoes? - Yes. 116 00:04:52,752 --> 00:04:53,754 - Butter? - Yes. 117 00:04:53,821 --> 00:04:54,825 - Cream? - Yes. 118 00:04:54,883 --> 00:04:55,884 - Salt? - Yes. 119 00:04:55,942 --> 00:04:56,915 - Pepper? - Yes. 120 00:04:56,973 --> 00:04:57,946 - Garlic? - Yes. 121 00:04:58,004 --> 00:04:58,925 - Onions? - Yes. 122 00:04:58,992 --> 00:04:59,995 - Lamb? - Yes. 123 00:05:00,062 --> 00:05:01,127 - Carrots? - Yes. 124 00:05:01,194 --> 00:05:02,164 - Eggs? - Yes. 125 00:05:02,231 --> 00:05:03,233 - Flour? - Yes. 126 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:04,365 - Rosemary? - Yes. 127 00:05:04,432 --> 00:05:05,368 - Thyme? - Yes. 128 00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:06,466 - Chicken broth? - Yes. 129 00:05:06,533 --> 00:05:07,534 - Corn? - Yes. 130 00:05:07,601 --> 00:05:08,601 - Peas? - Yes. 131 00:05:08,668 --> 00:05:09,958 Lightsaber? 132 00:05:10,632 --> 00:05:13,570 Remember when we did Star Wars? 133 00:05:19,877 --> 00:05:22,580 Better get a tweet out before I go dark for a few hours. 134 00:05:23,986 --> 00:05:26,557 About to see the new Kevin Hart movie. 135 00:05:26,728 --> 00:05:29,290 Just kidding. I'm white and went to college. 136 00:05:29,357 --> 00:05:31,595 #BaywatchMovie. 137 00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:52,579 ♪♪ Baywatch theme "I'll Be There" playing... 138 00:05:52,646 --> 00:05:56,114 ♪ Some people stand in the darkness ♪ 139 00:05:56,200 --> 00:06:00,482 ♪ Afraid to step into the light ♪ 140 00:06:00,583 --> 00:06:04,435 ♪ Some people need to have somebody ♪ 141 00:06:04,513 --> 00:06:07,661 ♪ When the edge of surrender's in sight ♪ 142 00:06:07,786 --> 00:06:10,733 ♪ Don't you worry ♪ 143 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,304 ♪ It's gonna be all right ♪ 144 00:06:13,361 --> 00:06:15,997 ♪♪ 145 00:06:16,180 --> 00:06:18,280 ♪ 'Cause I'm always ready ♪ 146 00:06:18,338 --> 00:06:21,375 ♪ I won't let you out of my sight. ♪ 147 00:06:27,164 --> 00:06:30,880 ♪♪ 148 00:06:32,513 --> 00:06:34,205 Wow, I haven't seen that much camel toe 149 00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:35,654 since the Arab Spring. 150 00:06:35,874 --> 00:06:38,505 #ThinkinglnTweets. 151 00:06:40,348 --> 00:06:41,551 Nah. 152 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:44,637 Hey, are you @dogbackwards from Twitter? 153 00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:46,503 I am. Are-are you a fan? 154 00:06:46,570 --> 00:06:47,927 You racist jerk! 155 00:06:47,994 --> 00:06:50,380 I hope you get foot-and-mouth disease! 156 00:06:50,590 --> 00:06:52,161 What the hell was that? 157 00:06:52,584 --> 00:06:55,091 Uh-oh. 158 00:06:58,774 --> 00:07:01,133 Wow, you are blowing up! 159 00:07:01,198 --> 00:07:02,669 Blowing up bad. 160 00:07:02,799 --> 00:07:05,264 Ah, look at that... Huffington Post just picked it up. 161 00:07:05,322 --> 00:07:06,454 Buckle up, buddy. 162 00:07:11,177 --> 00:07:13,313 - There he is! - Where? I'm in the back. 163 00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:18,274 ♪♪ 164 00:07:22,672 --> 00:07:25,086 Hey, how was Baywatch? I want to see that bad. 165 00:07:25,165 --> 00:07:27,075 What were you thinking, writing that tweet? 166 00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:28,458 What? It was just a joke. 167 00:07:28,525 --> 00:07:31,427 Brian, it's not 2005... you can't just go online 168 00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:32,831 and say whatever you want. 169 00:07:32,890 --> 00:07:35,403 Yeah, remember how mad people got when DiGiorno tweeted 170 00:07:35,461 --> 00:07:36,802 about domestic violence? 171 00:07:36,869 --> 00:07:38,914 And they're not even a guy. They're pizza. 172 00:07:39,024 --> 00:07:40,957 All right, all right, I'll delete the tweet. 173 00:07:41,015 --> 00:07:42,732 You haven't deleted it yet? 174 00:07:43,185 --> 00:07:44,748 What a train wreck! 175 00:07:46,988 --> 00:07:47,988 There. Done. Done. 176 00:07:48,095 --> 00:07:49,526 See? It's done. It's gone. 177 00:07:49,584 --> 00:07:51,547 What about all those people outside? 178 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:52,868 They'll see that I deleted it, 179 00:07:52,925 --> 00:07:54,469 and it'll all blow over. Trust me. 180 00:07:54,551 --> 00:07:56,117 I hope so, but you never know. 181 00:07:56,191 --> 00:07:59,227 They're still pretty mad at me down at Dick's Sporting Goods. 182 00:07:59,417 --> 00:08:01,149 Um, what's the name of this place? 183 00:08:01,294 --> 00:08:02,597 Dick's. 184 00:08:02,867 --> 00:08:05,008 A-And what's that say on your shirt? 185 00:08:05,195 --> 00:08:06,429 Dick's. 186 00:08:06,993 --> 00:08:09,617 Can I have two balls... and a helmet? 187 00:08:09,735 --> 00:08:11,446 Hey, you're the guy from the phone. 188 00:08:13,032 --> 00:08:14,125 Start the car, Chris! 189 00:08:14,183 --> 00:08:16,438 - Did you get him, Dad? - We got him! 190 00:08:20,611 --> 00:08:22,797 Hey, Sid. Happy Mango Monday. 191 00:08:22,916 --> 00:08:23,985 Hmm. 192 00:08:24,043 --> 00:08:26,688 Hmm. Those nighttime information technology classes 193 00:08:26,783 --> 00:08:28,641 must really be getting to Sid. 194 00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:29,805 Hey, Curt. 195 00:08:29,863 --> 00:08:30,892 Hmm. 196 00:08:30,950 --> 00:08:32,719 Curt? Come on, it's me, 197 00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:34,422 Lunchtime Lois. 198 00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:36,113 Gil, help me out here. 199 00:08:36,171 --> 00:08:37,266 Hmm! 200 00:08:37,324 --> 00:08:40,272 Gil, no! Uh, what about Barbara? Is she back there? 201 00:08:40,330 --> 00:08:41,935 She can clear this up. 202 00:08:41,993 --> 00:08:43,309 Let me talk to Barbara. 203 00:08:43,367 --> 00:08:44,946 She doesn't want to talk to you, either. 204 00:08:45,004 --> 00:08:46,054 Nobody does... 205 00:08:46,128 --> 00:08:48,383 not as long as you're living with that racist dog. 206 00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:49,742 Oh, come on! 207 00:08:49,836 --> 00:08:51,438 It was just a bad joke. 208 00:08:51,578 --> 00:08:52,688 Where's Stanley? 209 00:08:52,789 --> 00:08:54,657 He'll vouch for me. Let me talk to Stanley. 210 00:08:54,715 --> 00:08:57,383 Or Henry. Somebody help me out here. 211 00:08:57,588 --> 00:08:59,158 - Chip? - Hmm! 212 00:08:59,225 --> 00:09:00,791 - Karen? - Hmm! 213 00:09:00,850 --> 00:09:02,253 - JJ? - Hmm. 214 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:03,923 - Angela? - Hmm. 215 00:09:03,990 --> 00:09:05,187 - Tito? - Hmm! 216 00:09:05,254 --> 00:09:06,914 - Larry? - Hmm! 217 00:09:07,211 --> 00:09:08,974 You can't freeze me out like this. 218 00:09:09,032 --> 00:09:10,727 We're on a first-name basis! 219 00:09:10,785 --> 00:09:12,721 They're on our name tags, Lois. 220 00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,934 But I don't even have to look! 221 00:09:15,411 --> 00:09:19,219 I don't even have to look! 222 00:09:24,797 --> 00:09:26,969 Hey, how come no one told me we were going to the Clam? 223 00:09:27,028 --> 00:09:28,460 Hey, Jerome, give me a beer. 224 00:09:28,558 --> 00:09:30,695 Oh, why? 'Cause I'm, like, your slave? 225 00:09:30,793 --> 00:09:33,407 Man, you're no better than your racist dog. 226 00:09:33,474 --> 00:09:34,596 Come on, man. 227 00:09:34,654 --> 00:09:36,552 B-Brian was just making a joke. 228 00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:39,133 I told you about Brian. I told you. 229 00:09:39,211 --> 00:09:40,742 Come on, he deleted his tweet. 230 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,770 But the hurt has been RT'd in our hearts. 231 00:09:43,828 --> 00:09:45,394 Peter, you better get out of here 232 00:09:45,461 --> 00:09:47,516 before I start saying "sir" like a cop. 233 00:09:47,574 --> 00:09:49,528 - Come on, Joe, I... - Sir? Sir? 234 00:09:49,586 --> 00:09:50,727 You've been asked to leave. 235 00:09:50,785 --> 00:09:52,484 - Joe, it's me, Peter. I... - Sir. 236 00:09:52,542 --> 00:09:54,613 I don't want to have to ask you again. 237 00:09:54,703 --> 00:09:56,581 - Please leave. - All right, fine. 238 00:09:56,639 --> 00:09:57,809 - Sir! - No, Joe, Joe. 239 00:09:57,876 --> 00:09:58,908 - He's leaving. - Sir! 240 00:09:58,975 --> 00:10:00,009 - Joe, Joe... - Sir! 241 00:10:00,076 --> 00:10:01,184 - He's gone. - Sir. 242 00:10:01,242 --> 00:10:02,694 - It's okay. - Sir. 243 00:10:02,752 --> 00:10:03,944 He's gone. 244 00:10:04,585 --> 00:10:07,428 ♪♪ 245 00:10:09,663 --> 00:10:12,084 ♪♪ 246 00:10:12,475 --> 00:10:14,519 Your dog wrote an insensitive tweet. 247 00:10:14,577 --> 00:10:15,788 You can't eat here. 248 00:10:15,846 --> 00:10:18,069 Uh-oh, Meg. It's a sensitivity mob. 249 00:10:18,127 --> 00:10:19,506 It was just a joke. 250 00:10:19,564 --> 00:10:21,629 There's no such thing as jokes anymore. 251 00:10:21,738 --> 00:10:23,608 Yeah, we live in a post-joke world. 252 00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:25,850 Chris, maybe we should just eat outside. 253 00:10:25,941 --> 00:10:28,109 No, Meg, we're eating here. 254 00:10:28,183 --> 00:10:30,202 I'd like to see you try. 255 00:10:35,381 --> 00:10:38,030 ♪♪ "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing... 256 00:10:38,242 --> 00:10:41,639 ♪♪ 257 00:10:46,874 --> 00:10:51,580 ♪ I can't change... ♪ 258 00:10:54,599 --> 00:10:57,723 ♪ Lord, I can't change ♪ 259 00:10:57,818 --> 00:11:01,582 ♪ Won't you fly high ♪ 260 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,977 ♪ Free bird, yeah... ♪ 261 00:11:05,159 --> 00:11:09,058 ♪♪ 262 00:11:24,195 --> 00:11:27,789 ♪♪ 263 00:11:54,083 --> 00:11:57,412 It was... a joke. 264 00:12:05,279 --> 00:12:06,950 Can you put on the Canucks game? 265 00:12:07,008 --> 00:12:08,275 No, go away. 266 00:12:08,901 --> 00:12:10,261 Loser. 267 00:12:10,351 --> 00:12:11,942 This is getting out of control. 268 00:12:12,008 --> 00:12:14,051 We can't leave the house without getting harassed. 269 00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:16,223 Yeah, yesterday I went outside to try to get the mail 270 00:12:16,313 --> 00:12:17,484 and I had a seizure. 271 00:12:17,583 --> 00:12:19,309 That may not be protester-related, 272 00:12:19,367 --> 00:12:21,637 but still, you got to do something, Brian. 273 00:12:21,695 --> 00:12:22,751 What do you want me to do? 274 00:12:22,809 --> 00:12:24,872 I-I deleted my Twitter account, my Instagram, 275 00:12:24,930 --> 00:12:26,031 Facebook, everything. 276 00:12:26,137 --> 00:12:27,833 People still won't leave me alone. 277 00:12:27,891 --> 00:12:29,425 You have to apologize. 278 00:12:29,607 --> 00:12:31,244 Go outside, do it now. 279 00:12:31,358 --> 00:12:33,785 Tell them that it was a mistake and how sorry you are 280 00:12:33,843 --> 00:12:35,544 and maybe they'll get off our backs. 281 00:12:35,602 --> 00:12:36,872 Maybe you're right. 282 00:12:37,014 --> 00:12:39,280 I got to face them and hope they'll forgive me. 283 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:44,923 Hello. 284 00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:47,301 As you all know, I'm Brian Griffin. 285 00:12:47,359 --> 00:12:48,628 Boo. 286 00:12:48,792 --> 00:12:51,153 Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo. 287 00:12:51,211 --> 00:12:52,505 I want to read a few words... 288 00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:54,028 Boo. Liar. 289 00:12:54,094 --> 00:12:56,880 Boo, Brian Griffin, boo. 290 00:12:57,215 --> 00:12:58,673 Anyway, I-I want to... 291 00:12:58,731 --> 00:13:00,292 Boo. Apologize somewhere else. 292 00:13:00,356 --> 00:13:04,223 Boo. Boo, Brian, boo. 293 00:13:04,309 --> 00:13:07,197 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here today to apologize... 294 00:13:07,255 --> 00:13:08,903 Why did you say "ladies" first? 295 00:13:08,961 --> 00:13:10,098 That's sexist. 296 00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:12,130 It's just, it's just a-a standard greeting. 297 00:13:12,268 --> 00:13:14,762 Let-let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies... 298 00:13:14,820 --> 00:13:16,231 Ooh, says the man. 299 00:13:16,289 --> 00:13:19,340 Okay, sorry, I-I... Um, humans in the audience... 300 00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:21,340 I identify as a basketball. 301 00:13:21,427 --> 00:13:22,809 Humans and basketballs... 302 00:13:22,867 --> 00:13:24,307 I'm a parrot who mimics words 303 00:13:24,365 --> 00:13:25,633 but doesn't comprehend them. 304 00:13:25,730 --> 00:13:28,192 Humans, basketballs, talking parrots, 305 00:13:28,319 --> 00:13:29,965 and-and whatever else is out there... 306 00:13:30,023 --> 00:13:31,941 "Whatever"? It's whoever. 307 00:13:31,999 --> 00:13:33,802 Actually, it's whomever. 308 00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:35,481 No one likes you, Mary. 309 00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:36,877 All right, all right, just-just 310 00:13:36,934 --> 00:13:38,051 calm down, okay? 311 00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:39,636 Now you're tone policing us! 312 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,198 That makes me uncomfortable. 313 00:13:41,289 --> 00:13:44,027 Anything that makes me uncomfortable in 2017 314 00:13:44,085 --> 00:13:45,320 should be illegal. 315 00:13:45,378 --> 00:13:48,093 - You know what? (bleep) you. - (all gasp) 316 00:13:48,214 --> 00:13:50,514 I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke. 317 00:13:50,706 --> 00:13:51,964 There's a huge difference. 318 00:13:52,022 --> 00:13:53,653 But nobody on the Internet ever takes the time 319 00:13:53,710 --> 00:13:56,117 to ask themselves, "Is this worth freaking out over?" 320 00:13:56,175 --> 00:13:59,114 Or, "Are there bigger problems in the world than this tweet?" 321 00:13:59,251 --> 00:14:00,682 Well, I assure you, there are. 322 00:14:00,749 --> 00:14:03,153 And just for the record, I love black people. 323 00:14:03,220 --> 00:14:04,648 I watch tons of black porn. 324 00:14:04,721 --> 00:14:06,468 So, what do you all want from me, huh? 325 00:14:06,526 --> 00:14:07,734 You-you want to ruin my life? 326 00:14:07,832 --> 00:14:09,466 Then congratulations. You did it. 327 00:14:09,579 --> 00:14:10,601 Everybody hates me. 328 00:14:10,659 --> 00:14:12,765 I can't leave the house without getting harassed. 329 00:14:12,823 --> 00:14:13,890 No one will hire me. 330 00:14:13,948 --> 00:14:15,157 That was a problem before. 331 00:14:15,214 --> 00:14:17,648 I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me 332 00:14:17,706 --> 00:14:19,992 to kill myself or that they're gonna kill my family. 333 00:14:20,050 --> 00:14:21,207 Leave me alone! 334 00:14:21,265 --> 00:14:23,890 I'm the self-righteous, liberal douchebag, not you! 335 00:14:23,948 --> 00:14:25,953 I've kissed a transsexual before! 336 00:14:26,011 --> 00:14:27,289 How many of you can say that?! 337 00:14:27,428 --> 00:14:28,596 Where's my (bleep) medal?! 338 00:14:28,679 --> 00:14:30,082 I am so far left, 339 00:14:30,140 --> 00:14:32,376 I'm spinning in circles, you (bleep). 340 00:14:32,434 --> 00:14:35,068 Instead of killing myself, I should kill all of you! 341 00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:36,843 I'd like to see you try. 342 00:14:36,988 --> 00:14:39,586 ♪♪ "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing... 343 00:14:39,643 --> 00:14:42,804 ♪♪ 344 00:14:47,093 --> 00:14:49,953 Ow! Jeez. 345 00:14:54,032 --> 00:14:55,539 Well, we started the dialogue. 346 00:14:55,597 --> 00:14:58,258 You screamed "black porn" at the top of your lungs 347 00:14:58,357 --> 00:14:59,696 in front of women and children. 348 00:14:59,754 --> 00:15:02,288 I am not the person those people out there say I am. 349 00:15:02,557 --> 00:15:04,571 I know that, but you also haven't done much 350 00:15:04,629 --> 00:15:05,786 to prove that you aren't. 351 00:15:05,888 --> 00:15:07,391 I know, I know. 352 00:15:07,491 --> 00:15:09,391 All I have left is you guys. 353 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,287 Thank God you have my back. 354 00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:13,380 - We think you should move out. - What?! 355 00:15:13,456 --> 00:15:16,157 Oh! Brian, listen, we love you, 356 00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:18,117 but they're throwing things at our house. 357 00:15:18,222 --> 00:15:20,446 We've got to keep our family safe. 358 00:15:20,547 --> 00:15:22,688 I'm sorry. It's for the best. 359 00:15:22,746 --> 00:15:24,778 Are you serious?! You're okay with this?! 360 00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:27,374 Does this slow pan across our disapproving faces 361 00:15:27,432 --> 00:15:28,782 answer your question? 362 00:15:39,417 --> 00:15:40,719 I saw Baywatch. 363 00:15:40,786 --> 00:15:42,643 That thing was frickin' rad. 364 00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:47,716 ♪♪ 365 00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:51,214 I still think this is a drastic measure. 366 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,331 Yeah, I messed up, 367 00:15:52,393 --> 00:15:54,375 but what about all the stupid things Peter's done? 368 00:15:54,433 --> 00:15:55,957 He's never been kicked out and his life... 369 00:15:56,014 --> 00:15:57,761 My life is not the issue here. 370 00:15:57,823 --> 00:15:59,086 Peter, calm down. 371 00:15:59,116 --> 00:16:00,558 Did you eat breakfast this morning? 372 00:16:00,616 --> 00:16:02,264 I had a banana and a coffee. 373 00:16:02,412 --> 00:16:03,936 Why am I so fat? 374 00:16:04,076 --> 00:16:07,209 I'm sorry, Brian, but this is the way it has to be. 375 00:16:07,428 --> 00:16:08,761 All right, then. 376 00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:10,704 I guess this is good-bye. 377 00:16:19,238 --> 00:16:20,803 Brian, wait. 378 00:16:21,892 --> 00:16:23,260 This collar is ours. 379 00:16:23,318 --> 00:16:24,771 It has our address on it. 380 00:16:25,107 --> 00:16:26,576 Peace, dude. 381 00:16:34,615 --> 00:16:37,873 All right, radio, time for you to tell me what this all means. 382 00:16:38,029 --> 00:16:39,904 ♪ I got a pocket full of quarters ♪ 383 00:16:39,962 --> 00:16:42,600 ♪ And I'm headed to the arcade ♪ 384 00:16:42,657 --> 00:16:44,583 ♪♪ 385 00:16:44,641 --> 00:16:46,408 ♪ I don't have a lot of money ♪ 386 00:16:46,542 --> 00:16:49,099 ♪ But I'm bringing ev'rything I made ♪ 387 00:16:49,156 --> 00:16:51,513 ♪♪ 388 00:16:51,596 --> 00:16:53,255 ♪ I've got a callus on my finger ♪ 389 00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:56,630 ♪ And my shoulder's hurting, too ♪ 390 00:16:56,687 --> 00:16:58,077 ♪♪ 391 00:16:58,162 --> 00:16:59,978 ♪ I'm gonna eat them all up ♪ 392 00:17:00,045 --> 00:17:02,951 ♪ Just as soon as they turn blue ♪ 393 00:17:03,016 --> 00:17:04,896 ♪♪ 394 00:17:04,984 --> 00:17:07,383 ♪ 'Cause I've got Pac-Man fever ♪ 395 00:17:07,551 --> 00:17:09,155 ♪ Pac-Man fever ♪ 396 00:17:09,222 --> 00:17:10,722 ♪ It's driving me crazy ♪ 397 00:17:10,789 --> 00:17:12,022 ♪ Driving me crazy ♪ 398 00:17:12,089 --> 00:17:13,993 ♪ I've got Pac-Man fever ♪ 399 00:17:14,060 --> 00:17:15,561 ♪ Pac-Man fever ♪ 400 00:17:15,628 --> 00:17:17,031 ♪ I'm going out of my mind. ♪ 401 00:17:17,165 --> 00:17:20,166 ♪♪ 402 00:17:32,838 --> 00:17:34,643 Hey. Are you here for the Time magazines 403 00:17:34,701 --> 00:17:36,143 with some of the letters cut out? 404 00:17:36,260 --> 00:17:39,428 Uh, no, I... no, I saw that you have an apartment for rent. 405 00:17:39,486 --> 00:17:40,518 Okay. 406 00:17:40,690 --> 00:17:42,690 Here. Apartment 23. 407 00:17:42,752 --> 00:17:43,757 Oh, okay. 408 00:17:43,824 --> 00:17:47,205 I just have one rule here: no kissing the mailman. 409 00:17:47,306 --> 00:17:48,859 I don't think that's gonna be a problem. 410 00:17:48,916 --> 00:17:51,296 You haven't seen him, so don't say that yet. 411 00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:52,838 Mail's here. 412 00:17:52,997 --> 00:17:55,102 Wow. 413 00:18:42,919 --> 00:18:44,291 ♪♪ "Runaway Train" by oul Asylum playing over speakers... 414 00:18:44,348 --> 00:18:46,073 If I have other items I want to buy, 415 00:18:46,130 --> 00:18:48,086 uh, can I buy them here at the pharmacy window? 416 00:18:48,153 --> 00:18:49,222 Yes. 417 00:18:49,289 --> 00:18:51,391 Ruth? Yeah, bring it over here. 418 00:18:51,458 --> 00:18:52,790 We can buy them over here. 419 00:18:52,857 --> 00:18:54,060 Where are you? 420 00:18:54,127 --> 00:18:55,159 By the pharmacy. 421 00:18:55,226 --> 00:18:58,271 Hang on, I'm picking out sunscreen. 422 00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:00,104 Sir, do you mind if I go ahead of you? 423 00:19:00,161 --> 00:19:01,951 Uh, yes, I do mind. 424 00:19:02,095 --> 00:19:06,622 ♪ This time I have really lead myself astray... ♪ 425 00:19:10,009 --> 00:19:14,279 ♪♪ Humming along to "Runaway Train" playing over speakers... 426 00:19:14,346 --> 00:19:17,518 ♪ Wrong way on a one-way track ♪ 427 00:19:17,585 --> 00:19:21,719 ♪ Seems like I should be getting somewhere ♪ 428 00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:25,956 ♪ Somehow I'm neither here nor there... ♪ 429 00:19:28,026 --> 00:19:29,829 Six dollars? 430 00:19:32,187 --> 00:19:34,726 Hey, did you knock over a few bottles in aisle seven? 431 00:19:34,843 --> 00:19:36,492 Uh, yeah. 432 00:19:39,172 --> 00:19:40,606 Okay. 433 00:19:40,673 --> 00:19:42,743 ♪ Get so jaded. ♪ 434 00:19:47,717 --> 00:19:48,951 Patricia? 435 00:19:49,045 --> 00:19:50,651 Where's the big nail clipper? 436 00:19:50,718 --> 00:19:51,768 I don't know. 437 00:19:51,826 --> 00:19:52,956 Did you get rid of it? 438 00:19:53,130 --> 00:19:55,075 Why would I get rid of the big nail clipper? 439 00:19:55,203 --> 00:19:57,693 'Cause you're a bitch, that's why. 440 00:19:57,751 --> 00:20:00,162 Nice. Yeah, now I'm gonna tell you where it is. 441 00:20:00,220 --> 00:20:02,311 I knew you knew where it was, you liar. 442 00:20:02,372 --> 00:20:03,443 Tell me where it is! 443 00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:05,005 No. Find it yourself. 444 00:20:05,096 --> 00:20:06,532 Oh, okay. Fine. 445 00:20:06,599 --> 00:20:08,700 How about I hide something of yours?! Huh?! 446 00:20:08,928 --> 00:20:10,100 Put that back! 447 00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:12,975 No, tell me where the big nail clipper is! 448 00:20:22,705 --> 00:20:23,709 Boom. 449 00:20:23,861 --> 00:20:25,314 Damn it. 450 00:20:25,408 --> 00:20:27,885 Why can't you use the little nail clipper? 451 00:20:27,943 --> 00:20:29,730 I want the big one, okay?! 452 00:20:29,788 --> 00:20:31,724 And I don't want you using it anymore! 453 00:20:31,791 --> 00:20:33,064 Shut up, little man! 454 00:20:33,122 --> 00:20:34,241 You shut up! 455 00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,674 Where'd you put it, you liar?! 456 00:20:44,516 --> 00:20:45,584 $900. 457 00:20:45,642 --> 00:20:46,658 "L." 458 00:20:46,716 --> 00:20:48,236 - "R." - Aw. 459 00:20:48,294 --> 00:20:49,364 Two "R" s. 460 00:21:00,971 --> 00:21:04,525 ♪♪ 461 00:21:04,582 --> 00:21:08,205 ♪♪ 462 00:21:27,533 --> 00:21:30,477 ♪♪