1 00:00:02,179 --> 00:00:04,947 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,015 --> 00:00:08,317 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,385 --> 00:00:11,771 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,855 --> 00:00:14,740 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,825 --> 00:00:18,361 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,412 --> 00:00:21,564 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,632 --> 00:00:23,165 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,233 --> 00:00:24,583 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,668 --> 00:00:27,353 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:27,421 --> 00:00:31,421 ♪ Family Guy 10x13 ♪ Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream Original Air Date on February 12, 2012 11 00:00:31,446 --> 00:00:35,446 == sync, corrected by elderman == 12 00:00:35,646 --> 00:00:37,013 Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, 13 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:39,115 and the reason I'm wearing this mask is because 14 00:00:39,182 --> 00:00:41,584 we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight, 15 00:00:41,652 --> 00:00:43,586 who, as you'll find out as the show goes on, 16 00:00:43,654 --> 00:00:45,121 is quite a cougher. 17 00:00:45,188 --> 00:00:48,000 In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... 18 00:00:48,558 --> 00:00:50,392 See? That's-that's what I was talking about. 19 00:00:53,779 --> 00:00:54,619 Are we gonna get that, 20 00:00:54,620 --> 00:00:56,470 or are we gonna wait for commercial? 21 00:00:56,538 --> 00:00:58,673 No, no, you have to spray it. 22 00:00:58,740 --> 00:01:00,374 You can't just wipe-- look, you know what? 23 00:01:00,442 --> 00:01:02,109 Let's just throw the whole camera out. 24 00:01:02,177 --> 00:01:03,644 Okay, Joyce, you talk now. 25 00:01:03,712 --> 00:01:04,872 I-I don't even want to open my mouth. 26 00:01:04,873 --> 00:01:07,165 You know, Tom, I haven't seen you in a mask 27 00:01:07,166 --> 00:01:09,567 since you went under the stage name George P. Wilbur. 28 00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,468 Oh-ho-ho, Joyce, you know we don't talk 29 00:01:11,536 --> 00:01:12,836 about that on the air. 30 00:01:12,904 --> 00:01:14,004 Oh, my God! 31 00:01:14,072 --> 00:01:15,506 Did she... did she just say 32 00:01:15,573 --> 00:01:17,925 that George P. Wilbur was Tom Tucker's stage name? 33 00:01:17,992 --> 00:01:19,960 Who the hell is George P. Wilbur? 34 00:01:20,028 --> 00:01:22,696 That's the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, 35 00:01:22,764 --> 00:01:24,848 the greatest movie of all time. 36 00:01:24,916 --> 00:01:26,917 I've only seen that movie about a thousand times. 37 00:01:26,968 --> 00:01:28,552 How could I not have noticed that? 38 00:01:37,362 --> 00:01:38,762 Good evening. I'm Michael Myers. 39 00:01:38,813 --> 00:01:40,330 I have enormous psychological problems, 40 00:01:40,398 --> 00:01:43,233 and I'm going to take them out on you. 41 00:01:43,301 --> 00:01:45,068 It is him. I can't believe it. 42 00:01:45,136 --> 00:01:47,054 I mean, that's, like, my favorite movie ever! 43 00:01:47,121 --> 00:01:49,032 I thought The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas 44 00:01:49,033 --> 00:01:50,019 was your favorite movie. 45 00:01:50,024 --> 00:01:51,825 No, that's my favorite period piece. 46 00:01:51,893 --> 00:01:53,694 Well, that and Good Night and Good Luck. 47 00:01:53,761 --> 00:01:55,562 Even though I was tricked into leaving early. 48 00:01:55,630 --> 00:01:57,631 Good night and good luck. 49 00:01:57,699 --> 00:02:00,501 And good night and good luck to you, sir. 50 00:02:04,873 --> 00:02:06,423 Oh, hi, Chris. 51 00:02:06,491 --> 00:02:07,891 How was school? 52 00:02:07,959 --> 00:02:09,760 It was great. I met a girl, Mom! 53 00:02:09,828 --> 00:02:11,445 That's wonderful, honey. 54 00:02:11,513 --> 00:02:13,530 Yeah, her name is Lindsey, like the state. 55 00:02:13,598 --> 00:02:15,019 Is she nice? 56 00:02:15,044 --> 00:02:16,544 Yeah, she's really nice and super pretty, 57 00:02:16,584 --> 00:02:18,402 and her bicycle seat smells like strawberries. 58 00:02:18,469 --> 00:02:21,205 Oh. Okay. 59 00:02:21,272 --> 00:02:23,490 I'm gonna go upstairs and alternate between 60 00:02:23,558 --> 00:02:26,877 hopeful excitement and suicidal pessimism! 61 00:02:31,583 --> 00:02:33,450 Got to get the energy up. 62 00:02:36,988 --> 00:02:38,488 Found it. 63 00:02:38,556 --> 00:02:40,591 Hey, uh, excuse me, Mr. Tucker. 64 00:02:40,658 --> 00:02:41,751 You got a second? 65 00:02:41,776 --> 00:02:43,376 Oh, hello, Peter. Sure, come on in. 66 00:02:43,461 --> 00:02:44,835 Thanks. Um, hey, listen, 67 00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:46,360 I just found out that you were the guy 68 00:02:46,397 --> 00:02:48,832 who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, 69 00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:49,864 and I just want to say, 70 00:02:49,889 --> 00:02:51,924 I think that was the most brilliant performance ever 71 00:02:51,936 --> 00:02:53,270 in the history of everything, 72 00:02:53,338 --> 00:02:55,806 and I wanted to see if you would sign my DVD. 73 00:02:55,874 --> 00:02:57,841 Oh, I suppose. 74 00:02:57,892 --> 00:02:59,226 Thanks. Hey, so, what happened? 75 00:02:59,294 --> 00:03:01,461 How come you never did any more movies? 76 00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:03,397 Well, I tried to make a career out there in Hollywood, 77 00:03:03,464 --> 00:03:06,033 but I just didn't realize how tough acting is. 78 00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:07,234 Well, you know what they say-- 79 00:03:07,302 --> 00:03:08,735 "Tough actin' Tinactin." 80 00:03:08,803 --> 00:03:10,704 I wish I'd known that then. 81 00:03:10,788 --> 00:03:12,301 You see, life after Halloween 4 82 00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:13,747 wasn't exactly smooth sailing. 83 00:03:13,791 --> 00:03:15,709 Once I stepped out from behind that mask, 84 00:03:15,793 --> 00:03:18,161 Hollywood gave me the cold shoulder. 85 00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:21,832 The work I did manage to get 86 00:03:21,883 --> 00:03:25,052 was usually just bit parts that didn't last too long. 87 00:03:25,136 --> 00:03:27,704 Like the role of Denise's boyfriend on The Cosby Show. 88 00:03:27,755 --> 00:03:29,189 It's nice to meet you, Martin. 89 00:03:29,257 --> 00:03:30,624 Thank you, Mrs. Huxtable. 90 00:03:30,692 --> 00:03:32,559 So, if you guys are a family, 91 00:03:32,627 --> 00:03:34,828 why are none of you the same shade of black? 92 00:03:34,896 --> 00:03:38,181 I was also coked out of my skull most of the time. 93 00:03:38,232 --> 00:03:40,667 But whatever the case, I was done. 94 00:03:42,236 --> 00:03:44,738 I left Hollywood, moved back to my hometown of Quahog, 95 00:03:44,806 --> 00:03:47,057 and wound up working here as a news anchor. 96 00:03:47,125 --> 00:03:49,526 Wow. Well, don't you miss it? 97 00:03:49,594 --> 00:03:52,229 Every second of every day, but I can't touch coke again. 98 00:03:52,297 --> 00:03:53,830 It would ruin my life. 99 00:03:53,898 --> 00:03:54,665 No, I mean acting. 100 00:03:54,732 --> 00:03:56,099 Oh. Of course. 101 00:03:56,167 --> 00:03:58,902 But it's over for me. That's all in the past. 102 00:03:58,970 --> 00:04:01,838 Well, if you ask me, you got the makings of a star. 103 00:04:01,906 --> 00:04:04,408 - And I want to help you get there. - Well, that's a nice offer, 104 00:04:04,475 --> 00:04:06,677 but I'm not quite sure how you expect to do that. 105 00:04:06,744 --> 00:04:08,946 Well, you've brought me so much joy over the years 106 00:04:09,013 --> 00:04:10,647 as that lovable murderer of teenagers, 107 00:04:10,715 --> 00:04:12,449 and I want to return the favor. 108 00:04:12,517 --> 00:04:14,051 I don't even have an agent anymore. 109 00:04:14,118 --> 00:04:16,453 Well, then how about this? I'll be your agent. 110 00:04:16,521 --> 00:04:17,530 You? 111 00:04:17,555 --> 00:04:19,055 Yeah, I've seen every episode of Entourage. 112 00:04:19,057 --> 00:04:20,624 All you need is some fake hair 113 00:04:20,692 --> 00:04:22,526 and a bunch of Hobbits hanging around you. 114 00:04:22,593 --> 00:04:24,244 You're on in five minutes, Mr. Tucker. 115 00:04:24,312 --> 00:04:25,445 You don't belong here. 116 00:04:25,513 --> 00:04:26,813 You're better than this. 117 00:04:26,881 --> 00:04:28,715 You're Halloween 4 better. 118 00:04:28,783 --> 00:04:30,233 Look, I appreciate your offer, 119 00:04:30,284 --> 00:04:32,319 but I've got a pretty good thing going here. 120 00:04:32,387 --> 00:04:34,028 In a few minutes, I've got to be on camera 121 00:04:34,053 --> 00:04:36,133 in front of 800 people. 122 00:04:41,112 --> 00:04:42,863 Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. 123 00:04:42,930 --> 00:04:45,682 Our top story tonight: The Rhode Island Historical Society 124 00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:48,752 is heralding the arrival of a cast-iron, oak-handled 125 00:04:48,820 --> 00:04:50,487 Colonial bedsheet warmer, 126 00:04:50,555 --> 00:04:52,956 now on display in the Statehouse Rotunda. 127 00:04:53,024 --> 00:04:54,591 Okay, there it is. 128 00:04:54,659 --> 00:04:58,395 As I understand it, they would put the coal inside of that, 129 00:04:58,463 --> 00:05:01,431 and then put the object between the sheets. 130 00:05:01,499 --> 00:05:03,600 It was very cold back then. 131 00:05:03,668 --> 00:05:05,569 And it would warm the sheets. 132 00:05:07,405 --> 00:05:09,439 And I-I think that's the gist of it. 133 00:05:09,507 --> 00:05:11,341 How much footage of this do we have? 134 00:05:11,409 --> 00:05:13,076 Oh-oh, this is live. 135 00:05:13,144 --> 00:05:14,478 This... Can-can she hear me? 136 00:05:14,545 --> 00:05:16,813 Okay, you can put it down now. 137 00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:19,416 You... She can't hear me. Okay. 138 00:05:20,918 --> 00:05:22,986 What the hell is going on here? 139 00:05:23,054 --> 00:05:25,522 Is it... is it... Am I having a stroke? 140 00:05:27,658 --> 00:05:29,159 Wait, Peter! Don't go! 141 00:05:29,227 --> 00:05:31,011 So, you changed your mind, huh, buddy? 142 00:05:31,079 --> 00:05:32,662 We going to Hollywood? 143 00:05:32,714 --> 00:05:34,414 You betcha. But I have to say, 144 00:05:34,482 --> 00:05:36,332 I thought you'd drive a fancier car. 145 00:05:36,357 --> 00:05:37,484 What? Why? 146 00:05:37,485 --> 00:05:40,120 Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin of Peter Griffin Cadillac? 147 00:05:40,188 --> 00:05:41,421 No, that's another guy. 148 00:05:41,489 --> 00:05:43,423 Hi. I'm Peter Griffin, 149 00:05:43,491 --> 00:05:46,443 and at Peter Griffin Cadillac, we believe in three things: 150 00:05:46,511 --> 00:05:49,246 fair dealing, family, and friendship. 151 00:05:49,313 --> 00:05:51,148 I've lived in Quahog my whole life. 152 00:05:51,215 --> 00:05:52,616 I love it here. 153 00:05:52,683 --> 00:05:54,985 And you're gonna love a Peter Griffin Cadillac. 154 00:05:55,053 --> 00:05:56,086 Scumbag. 155 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,250 All right, Lois, remember to feed the cat, 156 00:06:04,275 --> 00:06:05,775 and remember to get a cat. 157 00:06:05,849 --> 00:06:07,850 I still don't understand why you got to go 158 00:06:07,918 --> 00:06:09,352 all the way to Hollywood. 159 00:06:09,419 --> 00:06:11,587 Because I know Tom Tucker could be a great actor, 160 00:06:11,655 --> 00:06:13,723 and I'm gonna help him make it happen. 161 00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,658 You see, everybody needs just one person 162 00:06:15,726 --> 00:06:17,159 to believe in their dreams 163 00:06:17,227 --> 00:06:19,695 so they can spread their wings and fly. 164 00:06:19,763 --> 00:06:21,364 Dad, can I have money for dance classes? 165 00:06:21,431 --> 00:06:22,932 Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf. 166 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,567 I'd pay to see you not dance. 167 00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:26,335 - When will you be back? - I don't know. 168 00:06:26,403 --> 00:06:28,004 But I'll be sure to be back 169 00:06:28,071 --> 00:06:29,572 before Chris's big dance class recital. 170 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,140 I believe in that boy. 171 00:06:31,208 --> 00:06:32,541 I don't want to dance! 172 00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:33,743 You'll dance! 173 00:06:41,785 --> 00:06:43,252 Boy, I don't know, Peter, 174 00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,338 being back out here makes me kind of nervous. 175 00:06:45,422 --> 00:06:46,756 Maybe-maybe this was all a mistake. 176 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,474 Don't be silly, Tom-- you're an actor, 177 00:06:48,558 --> 00:06:50,176 and this is where you belong. Now, let's take some of 178 00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:53,062 this complimentary luggage and get going. 179 00:06:54,798 --> 00:06:56,932 Well, so, h-how do we do this? 180 00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:57,751 You do nothing. 181 00:06:57,776 --> 00:06:59,276 You just sit back and let your agent 182 00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:01,490 knock on every door in Hollywood till he gets 183 00:07:01,515 --> 00:07:02,715 you an acting job. 184 00:07:03,106 --> 00:07:05,608 And that starts right now. 185 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,343 Yes? C-Can I help you? 186 00:07:07,411 --> 00:07:08,811 No, but I can help you. 187 00:07:08,879 --> 00:07:10,513 You need to hire this man. 188 00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:13,015 Oh. Um, okay. 189 00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:16,352 Well, do you have any experience handling bags? 190 00:07:16,420 --> 00:07:17,820 Aha! I see! 191 00:07:17,888 --> 00:07:19,555 Typical casting-couch stuff. 192 00:07:19,623 --> 00:07:21,657 All right, kid, you want to make it 193 00:07:21,725 --> 00:07:23,109 in showbiz or don't you? 194 00:07:27,997 --> 00:07:30,533 I thought the airport was Hollywood. 195 00:07:35,605 --> 00:07:39,141 Hey, Mom, I want you to meet my new girlfriend. 196 00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:40,242 New girlfriend? 197 00:07:40,310 --> 00:07:41,644 Yeah, you remember that girl 198 00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:43,112 Lindsey I told you about? 199 00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:46,549 Well, I asked her out, and now we are dating. 200 00:07:46,616 --> 00:07:49,635 Lindsey, this is my mom, my little brother Stewie, 201 00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,504 and my dog Brian. 202 00:07:51,571 --> 00:07:52,371 Hey. 203 00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:54,740 Oh, my God. 204 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,242 My goodness, look at you. 205 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,545 Do you even realize who you look like? 206 00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:00,746 Cameron Diaz, that's who. 207 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,282 You are gorgeous! 208 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:05,151 Well, she's awful pretty-- I know that, Mom. 209 00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:06,452 Are you kidding me? 210 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,787 Are they not seeing this? 211 00:08:07,854 --> 00:08:09,488 I know, it's kind of creepy. It's almost like 212 00:08:09,556 --> 00:08:11,490 he's dating Lois. Yeah. 213 00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:13,559 Looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipus-y. 214 00:08:13,643 --> 00:08:15,478 - Can we say that? - Just did. 215 00:08:19,216 --> 00:08:21,083 All right, Tom, this is totally gonna work. 216 00:08:21,151 --> 00:08:22,902 All the biggest Hollywood players eat here, 217 00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:25,521 and we just got to make them think we're one of them. 218 00:08:25,589 --> 00:08:27,890 That's why I got these old Hollywood Jew glasses. 219 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,191 Waiter! Oh, waiter! 220 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,210 Yes sir. Are you gentlemen ready to order? 221 00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:34,330 Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy, and my client here 222 00:08:34,397 --> 00:08:35,411 will have a bottle of your best steak. 223 00:08:35,436 --> 00:08:36,636 Right away, sir. 224 00:08:36,821 --> 00:08:38,142 Peter, I-I'm not sure what any of this 225 00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:39,675 has to do with getting me acting jobs. 226 00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:41,100 Tom, who's the agent here? 227 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:42,680 - You are. - And who is the actor? 228 00:08:42,748 --> 00:08:44,482 Well, I am. 229 00:08:44,550 --> 00:08:46,684 Wait, which one am I again? The agent. 230 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,204 And who's paying for dinner? I assumed you were. 231 00:08:49,271 --> 00:08:51,573 Ah, then we best load our pockets with bread 232 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,158 and get the hell out of here. 233 00:08:54,243 --> 00:08:55,310 We have to go! 234 00:08:55,377 --> 00:08:57,962 Not expensive enough! 235 00:08:58,030 --> 00:09:00,548 Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your glasses, 236 00:09:00,616 --> 00:09:03,751 your poor table manners and your huge sense of entitlement. 237 00:09:03,819 --> 00:09:05,186 - Are you an agent? - I am. 238 00:09:05,254 --> 00:09:07,655 You've got ten seconds to dazzle me. Go. 239 00:09:07,723 --> 00:09:10,375 Well, I'm the casting director for NCIS, 240 00:09:10,442 --> 00:09:13,111 and we need an actor for a mall role that shoots tomorrow. 241 00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,913 This is your man. 242 00:09:14,980 --> 00:09:17,048 That's great! He's got just the look we're after. 243 00:09:17,116 --> 00:09:19,484 Show up here at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow. 244 00:09:19,551 --> 00:09:20,902 How about that, huh, Tom? 245 00:09:20,970 --> 00:09:22,203 You're back in the business. 246 00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:24,072 Wow, Peter, I can't believe it! 247 00:09:24,139 --> 00:09:25,456 Hey, don't be so surprised. 248 00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,458 I've been pounding the pavement for you, buddy. 249 00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:29,460 I even gave out all my business cards. 250 00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:32,229 Call me! Call me! Call me! 251 00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:34,832 Call me! Call me! Call me! Call me! 252 00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:37,652 Ah, show business. 253 00:09:40,856 --> 00:09:43,291 Oh, hi, you two. 254 00:09:43,359 --> 00:09:45,960 You know, Lindsey, I just want to say how nice it is 255 00:09:46,028 --> 00:09:48,162 to have such a beautiful young woman in our home. 256 00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:49,397 Oh, a baby. 257 00:09:49,465 --> 00:09:51,132 I almost had one of you twice. 258 00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:53,651 Who didn't, right? 259 00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:56,054 So, what are you two up to tonight? 260 00:09:56,121 --> 00:09:57,872 Well, we really haven't decided yet. 261 00:09:57,940 --> 00:09:59,824 Eh, I'll think of something while I'm taking 262 00:09:59,892 --> 00:10:01,859 a chick dump in your parents' bathroom. 263 00:10:01,927 --> 00:10:04,429 And I will hold your purse. 264 00:10:04,496 --> 00:10:05,763 Good for Chris, huh? 265 00:10:05,831 --> 00:10:07,465 He picked a peach, didn't he? 266 00:10:07,533 --> 00:10:10,535 Lois, don't you think maybe part of the reason you like Lindsey 267 00:10:10,603 --> 00:10:12,437 could be because she looks so much like you? 268 00:10:12,504 --> 00:10:13,621 What? 269 00:10:13,689 --> 00:10:15,306 Come on, she's clearly an awful person. 270 00:10:15,374 --> 00:10:17,141 And I think it's possible that your vanity 271 00:10:17,209 --> 00:10:18,993 has made you a little blind to that. 272 00:10:19,061 --> 00:10:21,896 Oh... I see what's going on here-- you're jealous. 273 00:10:21,964 --> 00:10:24,365 Chris has a wonderful young woman in his life, 274 00:10:24,433 --> 00:10:25,933 and you've got nothing. 275 00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:27,135 She's kind of right, Brian. 276 00:10:27,202 --> 00:10:29,270 All you've got is a worn-out rope toy 277 00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:32,440 and that squirrel who comes by once a day to taunt you. 278 00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,626 Hey! 279 00:10:34,693 --> 00:10:36,794 Hey, get out of here! This is our yard! 280 00:10:36,862 --> 00:10:38,596 You don't belong there! Don't you touch anything! 281 00:10:38,664 --> 00:10:39,897 I told you all this yesterday! 282 00:10:51,293 --> 00:10:54,429 To your first big TV acting job. 283 00:10:54,496 --> 00:10:56,497 We now return to NCIS. 284 00:10:56,565 --> 00:10:58,333 Oh, here it is. Here comes my part. 285 00:10:59,568 --> 00:11:01,002 Excuse me. 286 00:11:01,070 --> 00:11:02,837 I'm looking for Ed Manzelli. 287 00:11:02,905 --> 00:11:04,472 Good evening. I'm Ed Manzelli. 288 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:06,140 What can I do for you? 289 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,376 I'm looking for a guy who used to work here. 290 00:11:08,444 --> 00:11:10,378 Name's Mario. Got any idea where he could be? 291 00:11:10,446 --> 00:11:12,280 I haven't seen him in over a month. 292 00:11:12,348 --> 00:11:13,915 That's the end of my line. 293 00:11:13,982 --> 00:11:15,950 Your line, NCIS. 294 00:11:16,018 --> 00:11:18,886 You son of a bitch, you made me feel again. 295 00:11:18,971 --> 00:11:21,422 Oh, don't you go 'cause I'll go. 296 00:11:21,490 --> 00:11:23,941 You know, Peter, I just want to thank you 297 00:11:24,009 --> 00:11:25,443 for all you've done for me. 298 00:11:25,511 --> 00:11:27,278 You... You are one hell of an agent. 299 00:11:27,346 --> 00:11:29,213 Well, with you as a client, it's easy. 300 00:11:29,281 --> 00:11:30,365 Mr. Griffin? 301 00:11:30,432 --> 00:11:31,783 Yes, Sandra? You have a secretary? 302 00:11:31,850 --> 00:11:33,685 She calls herself an assistant, but yes. 303 00:11:33,752 --> 00:11:34,986 What is it, Sandra? 304 00:11:35,054 --> 00:11:36,654 There's a man here to see you. 305 00:11:36,722 --> 00:11:39,457 He says he wants to talk to you about being his agent. 306 00:11:39,525 --> 00:11:41,559 Really?! Well, then, by all means, send him in! 307 00:11:41,627 --> 00:11:43,144 Hey, knucklebutts! 308 00:11:43,212 --> 00:11:45,413 James Woods?! 309 00:11:45,481 --> 00:11:47,048 But I... I don't understand! 310 00:11:47,116 --> 00:11:48,783 I... I thought you were dead! 311 00:11:48,851 --> 00:11:50,351 Well... I'm not. 312 00:11:50,419 --> 00:11:51,552 I don't believe you. 313 00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:53,087 God, is that true? 314 00:11:53,155 --> 00:11:54,489 God? 315 00:11:54,556 --> 00:11:57,091 God, are you there? 316 00:12:03,182 --> 00:12:06,117 Come on, don't touch yourself. You're God. 317 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,867 I-I don't get it. Last time we saw you, 318 00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:17,703 Diane Simmons had just stabbed you in the back with a knife. 319 00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:19,972 Yeah! How the hell did you come back to life?! 320 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,424 Well, gentlemen, 321 00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:24,210 sometimes being a big Hollywood star has its advantages. 322 00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:31,367 Hey, is this guy somebody? 323 00:12:31,435 --> 00:12:33,102 Yeah, that's James Woods! 324 00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,503 We got a celebrity here! 325 00:12:34,571 --> 00:12:36,589 I repeat, this is not a normal dead person! 326 00:12:36,657 --> 00:12:37,690 This is a celebrity! 327 00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,811 Being a famous movie star entitled me 328 00:12:41,878 --> 00:12:43,562 to topnotch medical care 329 00:12:43,614 --> 00:12:46,983 not available to the rest of society. 330 00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,601 My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital, 331 00:12:49,653 --> 00:12:53,306 where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old ingenue. 332 00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:57,827 And in accordance with Hollywood law, 333 00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,612 her life force was infused into me, 334 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,298 bringing me back from the dead. 335 00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:04,216 What happened to the girl? 336 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,202 I threw her out a car window at Nora Ephron. 337 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,056 Stop making Jack Nicholson a pansy! 338 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,958 You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! 339 00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:13,960 You're the same thing! 340 00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,428 Wow. That's amazing. 341 00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:17,797 So, what do you say, Peter? Will you be my agent? 342 00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:19,115 I don't get it. Why would a big shot 343 00:13:19,182 --> 00:13:20,549 like you want me for an agent? 344 00:13:20,617 --> 00:13:22,601 Because you're an up-and-comer, because you're hungry. 345 00:13:22,653 --> 00:13:23,853 I am hungry. 346 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,488 But you put me and my family 347 00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:27,356 through a lot of crap over the years. 348 00:13:27,424 --> 00:13:28,924 Why would I want to help you? 349 00:13:28,992 --> 00:13:30,159 Well, because you're my agent. 350 00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:31,694 Oh, my God, you're right! I am! 351 00:13:31,762 --> 00:13:32,995 Hey, hold on now. 352 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,847 You came out here to be my agent. 353 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,682 Tom, relax, I can take care of you both. 354 00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:38,417 You'd be surprised how much I can handle. 355 00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:41,287 Peter, I need you to drop Stewie off at day care, 356 00:13:41,355 --> 00:13:43,789 and then shred this big stack of old bank statements. 357 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,391 You got it, Lois. 358 00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,428 Is he always this quiet? 359 00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:55,534 So, Kevin made another attempt on his life last night. 360 00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,603 He drank two bottles of dish soap. 361 00:13:57,671 --> 00:13:59,205 Well, we have some news, too. 362 00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,874 Chris is dating the most wonderful girl. 363 00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:04,477 You know, everyone said, "Don't smoke during your pregnancy," 364 00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:07,747 but I think some of it rubbed off on him 'cause now he's cool. 365 00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:09,181 That's nice. 366 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:10,916 Well, I should go, Lois. 367 00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:13,703 Yeah, I should probably get going myself. 368 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,071 Oh, my God! 369 00:14:18,075 --> 00:14:19,558 What? What is it, Lois? 370 00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:20,926 That girl over there-- 371 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:22,895 that... that's Chris's girlfriend! 372 00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,664 Hey, you know, she kind of looks like you, Lois. 373 00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:27,933 Maybe she'll thank me for buying the coffee. 374 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,069 You think she looks like me, too? 375 00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:31,871 Oh, my God. 376 00:14:31,938 --> 00:14:33,773 I'm starting to think Brian was right. 377 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,976 Maybe I have been blinded by my own stupid vanity. 378 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,744 That girl is nothing but trouble. 379 00:14:38,812 --> 00:14:40,613 Are you gonna tell Chris? 380 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,348 I guess I'll have to, 381 00:14:42,416 --> 00:14:44,617 but he doesn't take bad news very well. 382 00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,853 Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this, 383 00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:50,222 but your grandfather died. 384 00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:00,066 All right, gentlemen. 385 00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,967 So, what do you got for my client? 386 00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,769 Well, we're making a mediocre action film, 387 00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:06,472 and we think James is just the guy to do a serviceable job 388 00:15:06,540 --> 00:15:09,208 in a supporting role that Jeremy Irons, Jeff Goldblum, 389 00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:11,310 and Craig T. Nelson have already passed on. 390 00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:13,612 Well, we'd need to see a script first. 391 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,814 Oh, looks good. 392 00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:16,148 What do you think, James? 393 00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:17,249 I like it. Good. 394 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,818 I say we move on this. 395 00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:20,186 All right, then, let's negotiate. 396 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,837 - We want everything. - We'll give you nothing. 397 00:15:21,905 --> 00:15:23,556 - We want something. - Deal. 398 00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,262 Ugh, not this hillbilly from Rhode Island again. 399 00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,498 No thank you. 400 00:15:32,566 --> 00:15:34,033 This is Peter Griffin, famous agent, 401 00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:35,734 but you can call me PG-13. 402 00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:37,002 Ba-boom! 403 00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,270 Leave a message. 404 00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:39,638 Hi, Peter, it's Tom. 405 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,474 Uh, just trying to reach you again. 406 00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,075 And you know, about that meeting 407 00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:44,977 you set up with me and Heath Ledger... 408 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,612 He... He never showed. 409 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,215 Maybe I was at the wrong Panda Express, but I... 410 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,550 Anyway, uh, call me back. 411 00:15:54,488 --> 00:15:56,705 Hey, listen, thanks for inviting me to lunch, Peter. 412 00:15:56,773 --> 00:15:58,140 I-I was starting to get nervous 413 00:15:58,208 --> 00:15:59,742 when you weren't returning my calls. 414 00:15:59,810 --> 00:16:02,411 Tom, I... I didn't know how to say this to you, 415 00:16:02,479 --> 00:16:04,180 so, here, take this piece of paper. 416 00:16:04,247 --> 00:16:08,050 And you're on in four, three, two... 417 00:16:08,118 --> 00:16:10,486 "Peter Griffin drops Tom Tucker as a client." 418 00:16:10,554 --> 00:16:12,922 You're-you're dropping me as a client? 419 00:16:12,989 --> 00:16:14,256 Yeah, just heard it on the news. 420 00:16:14,324 --> 00:16:15,541 How could you do this?! 421 00:16:15,609 --> 00:16:17,009 Look, it's a whole different landscape 422 00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:18,210 out here since Thursday. 423 00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,745 Everything's on computers now. 424 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,947 Peter, I left a very good job for this! 425 00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,782 You're the only reason I came back out here! 426 00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,184 I wish I could help you, Tom, 427 00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:26,452 but this is coming from upstairs. 428 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:27,786 The karate studio? 429 00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,288 Tom, I have to go now. 430 00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:32,691 But if you're ever Kevin James, I want you to give me a call. 431 00:16:38,515 --> 00:16:39,915 Mm. Hello? 432 00:16:39,983 --> 00:16:41,717 Peter, it's me, Woodsy! I need a favor. 433 00:16:41,785 --> 00:16:44,253 What?! It's, like, 2:00 a.m. 434 00:16:44,321 --> 00:16:46,021 Yeah, so listen, I'm at Chateau Marmont, 435 00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,656 I just met this 18-year-old chick, 436 00:16:47,724 --> 00:16:49,925 and I can't decide whether to take her home 437 00:16:49,993 --> 00:16:51,694 or keep doing blow with Tom Sizemore 438 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,246 and see if I can do better later in the night. 439 00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:55,481 Well, okay, um... 440 00:16:55,549 --> 00:16:57,082 Do, uh, do-do you love her? 441 00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,251 What?! Look, I'm texting you her picture. 442 00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:02,021 Just tell me if you think she's hot enough. 443 00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,474 I... What is this a picture of? 444 00:17:05,542 --> 00:17:07,643 Is that the bottom of a white pumpkin? 445 00:17:07,711 --> 00:17:09,211 Is she hot or not? 446 00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,880 I-I guess. Okay, good, great. 447 00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:13,632 So clear out of your apartment; we're gonna be there in 15. 448 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:14,884 What?! I'm sleeping. 449 00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:16,719 Why can't you bring her to your place? 450 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,120 I don't know, man. 451 00:17:18,188 --> 00:17:19,655 It's my aunt's daughter. It's weird. 452 00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:26,345 Chris, honey, 453 00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,380 there's something I want to talk to you about. 454 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:29,848 Why, sure, Mom. Come on in. 455 00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:31,617 Chris, you know your girlfriend, Lindsey? 456 00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:33,018 Yeah. 457 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,087 Well, honey, 458 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,790 I saw her making out with another boy. 459 00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,959 Was she kissing with her mouth, or her pants-mouth? 460 00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:41,260 Because she does both. 461 00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,495 Chris, I can't believe you knew about this! 462 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,097 That's terrible! 463 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,433 Why would you even date a girl like that? 464 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,636 Well, because... I-I thought she'd be like you. 465 00:17:50,704 --> 00:17:51,704 Like me? 466 00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,172 Well, you got to admit, Mom, 467 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,407 she does look a lot like you. 468 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:58,210 I mean, I just look at you and Dad, you know? 469 00:17:58,261 --> 00:18:00,930 He's a complete train wreck, and you put up with him. 470 00:18:01,014 --> 00:18:03,048 And I'm no prize myself. 471 00:18:03,099 --> 00:18:06,719 So, I guess I figured if I don't find a girl just like you, 472 00:18:06,770 --> 00:18:08,687 I might never find anyone. 473 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,439 Oh, Chris. 474 00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,341 Of course you'll find someone. 475 00:18:12,409 --> 00:18:13,776 And you are a prize. 476 00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:16,011 You're a handsome, kind-hearted, young man, 477 00:18:16,079 --> 00:18:18,948 and any girl would be lucky to have you in her life. 478 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,282 You really think so? 479 00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:22,084 Of course I do, sweetheart. 480 00:18:22,152 --> 00:18:23,986 Thanks, Mo 481 00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:27,856 Now I'm gonna take the child filter off the computer, 482 00:18:27,924 --> 00:18:29,959 and I want you to have a fun night. 483 00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:35,831 Okay, this is it, James. 484 00:18:35,899 --> 00:18:37,666 I got your next project right here. 485 00:18:37,734 --> 00:18:40,486 Peter, you've pitched me dozens of projects, 486 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:43,489 and all of them involve me playing a hayride driver. 487 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,824 I don't know, I just see you doing that. 488 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,077 You know, this year, it's vampires, next year, it's hay. 489 00:18:48,144 --> 00:18:49,345 These things go in cycles. 490 00:18:49,412 --> 00:18:50,974 Peter, this is probably a good time to fire you. 491 00:18:50,975 --> 00:18:52,243 What?! 492 00:18:52,268 --> 00:18:53,868 Come on, Peter, who are we kidding? 493 00:18:53,950 --> 00:18:55,718 You're a one-man operation. 494 00:18:55,785 --> 00:18:57,486 You know me. I need a whole crew. 495 00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:00,372 I need a drugs guy, a girls guy, a fitness guy, 496 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,909 a guy with a boat who can dump stuff way-out-there kind of guy. 497 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,411 But... But you're my only client! 498 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,612 Without you, I'm ruined! 499 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,147 Well, that's show business. 500 00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:11,233 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to answer this fake phone call. 501 00:19:11,301 --> 00:19:12,768 Hello? Grimace from McDonald's? 502 00:19:12,836 --> 00:19:14,536 Sorry, Peter, I got to take this. 503 00:19:14,604 --> 00:19:15,938 No, I understand. 504 00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:23,846 Hey, Tom. 505 00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,614 How you doing? 506 00:19:25,682 --> 00:19:26,849 What do you want? 507 00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:28,417 James Woods fired me. 508 00:19:28,485 --> 00:19:30,719 Listen, I-I been thinking. 509 00:19:30,787 --> 00:19:32,788 I was a real jerk to you. 510 00:19:32,856 --> 00:19:34,323 I dragged you out here, 511 00:19:34,391 --> 00:19:36,859 only to dump you when you needed me the most. 512 00:19:36,926 --> 00:19:38,177 I guess what I'm saying is, 513 00:19:38,244 --> 00:19:40,412 I'm really sorry about everything. 514 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,014 Sorry doesn't cut it, Peter. 515 00:19:42,082 --> 00:19:44,583 I quit my job, I left everything behind to come out here. 516 00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,385 I know, but I was just trying to help. 517 00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:47,953 I never wanted to let you down. 518 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:51,857 Well, I suppose your only crime is that you believed in me. 519 00:19:51,925 --> 00:19:54,193 And then stopped believing in me rather abruptly. 520 00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:55,594 So what do you say? 521 00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:57,696 You ready to go back to where we both belong? 522 00:19:57,764 --> 00:20:00,332 Yup. Let's go home. 523 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,734 Sounds good. 524 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,770 Hey, check out this picture James Woods texted me. 525 00:20:04,838 --> 00:20:07,439 What is that? A balloon running out of air? 526 00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:09,375 Yeah, see, I was hoping you would know. 527 00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:12,010 It's his cousin's anus. 528 00:20:16,282 --> 00:20:17,750 Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. 529 00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,284 And I'm Joyce Kinney. 530 00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:22,588 Tom, I think I speak for all of us here at Channel Five News 531 00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,923 when I say it's good to have you back here 532 00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,024 at half your original salary. 533 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,226 Still twice yours, Joyce. 534 00:20:27,293 --> 00:20:28,627 Our top story tonight: 535 00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:31,096 Quahog's first organic supermarket opens this weekend. 536 00:20:31,164 --> 00:20:33,298 So head on down before the gays turn it 537 00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,934 into a cruising ground like they did the Barnes and Noble 538 00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:38,070 upstairs coffee bar, which they had to close. 539 00:20:38,138 --> 00:20:40,439 Well, I'm just happy Tom got his job back. 540 00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:42,775 But I'm sorry I missed meeting your girlfriend, Chris. 541 00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:44,243 That's okay, Dad. 542 00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:45,677 Yeah, Chris, I never asked you. 543 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,980 What did Lindsey say when you broke up with her? 544 00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,715 Oh, she didn't seem to mind. 545 00:20:49,783 --> 00:20:51,683 I think she already moved on to someone else. 546 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,385 Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn. 547 00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:54,686 You're welcome. 548 00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,021 And you're dismissed. 549 00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:57,956 Do I still get to keep the 20? 550 00:20:59,579 --> 00:21:03,579 == sync, corrected by elderman ==