1 00:00:01,281 --> 00:00:04,349 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,417 --> 00:00:07,753 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,034 --> 00:00:11,102 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,169 --> 00:00:14,070 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,138 --> 00:00:18,007 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,074 --> 00:00:20,943 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,010 --> 00:00:22,544 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,612 --> 00:00:23,913 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:26,230 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:26,231 --> 00:00:29,231 ♪ Family Guy 10x06 ♪ Back to the Pilot Original Air Date on November 20, 2011 11 00:00:29,256 --> 00:00:32,256 == sync, corrected by elderman == 12 00:00:35,125 --> 00:00:36,960 And we're back with our coverage 13 00:00:37,027 --> 00:00:38,494 of the Quahog Thanksgiving Day Parade. 14 00:00:38,562 --> 00:00:39,846 Happy Turkey Day, Quahog. 15 00:00:39,913 --> 00:00:41,614 This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney 16 00:00:41,682 --> 00:00:42,849 live at the parade. 17 00:00:42,916 --> 00:00:45,018 We've got some on-and-off drizzle here today, 18 00:00:45,085 --> 00:00:46,753 and we're a little w, as you can see, 19 00:00:46,820 --> 00:00:49,885 because, apparently, there are no awnings that exist anywhere. 20 00:00:50,288 --> 00:00:51,812 There's your top news story right there. 21 00:00:51,813 --> 00:00:54,348 Mysterious awning shortage ravages the Northeast, 22 00:00:54,609 --> 00:00:57,811 but miraculously has not affected Channels 2 or 6. 23 00:00:59,814 --> 00:01:01,615 No no. Keep the camera over there. 24 00:01:01,683 --> 00:01:02,650 I want everyone to see it. 25 00:01:02,717 --> 00:01:04,818 This is why we're third. 26 00:01:04,886 --> 00:01:07,154 And here comes our first float of the day, Tom. 27 00:01:07,222 --> 00:01:09,456 It's the James Woods High football team 28 00:01:09,524 --> 00:01:11,075 with their "Not Gay Revue." 29 00:01:12,544 --> 00:01:14,612 ♪ We just won the big game ♪ 30 00:01:15,914 --> 00:01:17,414 ♪ We just won the big game ♪ 31 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,417 ♪ We drilled 'em and banged 'em ♪ 32 00:01:20,468 --> 00:01:22,002 ♪ And plowed 'em a lot ♪ 33 00:01:22,070 --> 00:01:23,354 ♪ And though that sounds suggestive ♪ 34 00:01:23,421 --> 00:01:25,322 ♪ Let me stress that it's not. ♪ 35 00:01:25,390 --> 00:01:27,776 And here comes the Rocky and Bullwinkle float. 36 00:01:27,926 --> 00:01:30,361 Always a popular sight here at the par... 37 00:01:30,428 --> 00:01:32,229 S-Somebody want to handle that? 38 00:01:32,297 --> 00:01:33,397 Does some-- does some-- 39 00:01:33,465 --> 00:01:35,232 Does somebody want to deal with that? 40 00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:37,334 The car alarm, "what." 41 00:01:37,402 --> 00:01:38,402 You're kidding. 42 00:01:38,470 --> 00:01:39,737 Well, viewers, to top it off, 43 00:01:39,804 --> 00:01:42,072 that's the Channel 5 news van you're hearing. 44 00:01:42,140 --> 00:01:44,942 Ph-Phil, Phil just open it-- unlock the doors. 45 00:01:45,010 --> 00:01:47,244 You don't have to put the key in the ignition. 46 00:01:47,312 --> 00:01:49,380 Well, open the driver's side first. 47 00:01:49,447 --> 00:01:51,382 Okay, well, I guess it's broken, then, 48 00:01:51,449 --> 00:01:52,750 and there's nothing we can do about it. 49 00:01:52,817 --> 00:01:54,018 Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. 50 00:01:54,085 --> 00:01:55,119 Here's a car alarm. 51 00:01:56,471 --> 00:01:57,771 All right, well, I guess we'll just... 52 00:01:57,839 --> 00:01:59,206 Ahhh, there we go. 53 00:02:00,425 --> 00:02:01,675 Oh, that must be Joe and Bonnie. 54 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,677 Now remember everyone, let's be cheerful, 55 00:02:03,745 --> 00:02:05,813 'cause Thanksgivings are very hard for them. 56 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,348 'Cause Joe can't walk? No. 57 00:02:07,415 --> 00:02:09,717 'Cause his bum doesn't open up to poo anymore, 58 00:02:09,784 --> 00:02:11,685 and a nurse has to go digging up there 59 00:02:11,753 --> 00:02:13,270 to get up after his stuff? 60 00:02:14,339 --> 00:02:15,389 Oh, my God! 61 00:02:15,457 --> 00:02:16,490 I know. 62 00:02:16,558 --> 00:02:18,025 That was told to me in confidence. 63 00:02:18,093 --> 00:02:19,693 No. Don't you remember, Peter? 64 00:02:19,761 --> 00:02:21,045 It was on Thanksgiving 65 00:02:21,112 --> 00:02:22,813 that their son Kevin got killed in Iraq. 66 00:02:23,948 --> 00:02:25,199 Look who's here! 67 00:02:25,266 --> 00:02:26,617 Happy Thanksgiving. 68 00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:27,801 Gobble gobble. 69 00:02:27,869 --> 00:02:30,204 You guys, thanks so much for having us over. 70 00:02:30,271 --> 00:02:32,806 Well, we're just glad we can have people over again 71 00:02:32,874 --> 00:02:34,274 now that that giant crab's gone. 72 00:02:34,342 --> 00:02:36,427 Hey, guys, how ya doin'? Come on in. 73 00:02:36,494 --> 00:02:38,212 No-no-no-no-no-no-no. 74 00:02:38,296 --> 00:02:39,513 No-no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no-no. 75 00:02:39,597 --> 00:02:40,664 Just go around it. 76 00:02:40,715 --> 00:02:41,515 He's not gonna hurt ya. 77 00:02:41,599 --> 00:02:42,800 Just go around it. 78 00:02:42,851 --> 00:02:43,834 No-no-no-no-no-no-no. 79 00:02:43,885 --> 00:02:44,802 No-no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no-no. 80 00:02:44,853 --> 00:02:45,936 No-no-no-no-no. 81 00:02:46,003 --> 00:02:47,337 All right, try just going under him. 82 00:02:47,389 --> 00:02:48,939 I think we should probably just go home. 83 00:02:49,006 --> 00:02:50,224 Maybe we'll do it another time. 84 00:02:50,308 --> 00:02:51,141 No-no-no-no-no. 85 00:02:58,233 --> 00:02:59,183 What the hell? 86 00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:00,200 Mom! 87 00:03:00,285 --> 00:03:01,285 Mom, it's me! Mom! 88 00:03:01,353 --> 00:03:03,020 Oh, yeah, it's a baby. 89 00:03:03,088 --> 00:03:04,688 It's a big balloon, baby, 90 00:03:04,756 --> 00:03:06,023 just like you're a baby. 91 00:03:06,091 --> 00:03:07,057 No, it's me! 92 00:03:07,125 --> 00:03:08,075 It's a balloon of me! 93 00:03:08,143 --> 00:03:09,460 Peter, come look at this. 94 00:03:09,527 --> 00:03:11,995 He sees a baby and knows that he's also a baby. 95 00:03:12,063 --> 00:03:13,230 So smart. 96 00:03:13,298 --> 00:03:14,932 Mama's smart little boy. 97 00:03:14,999 --> 00:03:16,633 Aah, check out Quagmire. 98 00:03:16,701 --> 00:03:18,035 It's been a year and a half, 99 00:03:18,103 --> 00:03:20,387 and he still looks uncomfortable around his dad. 100 00:03:20,455 --> 00:03:22,022 Well, it's a big adjustment. 101 00:03:22,090 --> 00:03:25,092 After all, his dad did have a sex-change operation. 102 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,695 So, uh... how-how are things, Dad? 103 00:03:27,762 --> 00:03:31,031 Oh, Glenn, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here. 104 00:03:31,099 --> 00:03:33,350 This is gonna be a really special Thanksgiving. 105 00:03:33,401 --> 00:03:35,285 Happy Thanksgiving! 106 00:03:35,353 --> 00:03:36,837 We brought chicken wings. 107 00:03:36,905 --> 00:03:39,606 Oh, yum. I hope they're the kind with the bone removed. 108 00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:44,695 Hey, Aunt Carol. 109 00:03:44,763 --> 00:03:45,763 Hey, Uncle Adam. 110 00:03:45,830 --> 00:03:47,164 ♪ La la la la la. ♪ 111 00:03:47,232 --> 00:03:49,366 Don't mention last night's Project Runway. 112 00:03:49,434 --> 00:03:50,868 I've got it on TiVo. 113 00:03:50,919 --> 00:03:52,202 Happy Thanksgiving. 114 00:03:52,253 --> 00:03:53,854 I brought Marshmallow Peeps. 115 00:03:53,922 --> 00:03:54,855 Oh. 116 00:03:54,923 --> 00:03:56,056 Okay. 117 00:03:56,124 --> 00:03:58,292 I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back. 118 00:03:58,359 --> 00:03:59,493 Okay. 119 00:03:59,561 --> 00:04:01,528 I'm gonna need it back now. 120 00:04:01,596 --> 00:04:02,763 Oh. 121 00:04:04,132 --> 00:04:05,682 I don't want anything else today 122 00:04:05,750 --> 00:04:07,751 to get as tense as that just got. 123 00:04:07,802 --> 00:04:09,553 Carol, it's so good to see you. 124 00:04:09,621 --> 00:04:10,854 You, too, Lois. 125 00:04:10,922 --> 00:04:12,523 God, that is one nice ass. 126 00:04:12,590 --> 00:04:13,957 Thank you. You're welcome. 127 00:04:15,860 --> 00:04:16,960 This is nice. 128 00:04:17,028 --> 00:04:18,629 This is very nice, 129 00:04:18,696 --> 00:04:20,764 the time that we're spending together right now. 130 00:04:20,832 --> 00:04:21,765 Easy, Joe. 131 00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:24,902 Sorry. Just making mental memories 132 00:04:24,969 --> 00:04:26,904 for when you're all inevitably dead, 133 00:04:26,971 --> 00:04:28,238 and I'm left alone. 134 00:04:28,306 --> 00:04:30,040 Geez. Quagmire, help me out with this. 135 00:04:30,108 --> 00:04:31,542 No, he's right. I mean, sometimes 136 00:04:31,609 --> 00:04:33,544 chicks die, and it's not anyone's fault. 137 00:04:33,611 --> 00:04:36,480 Okay, everyone, it's 2:30. Time for dinner. 138 00:04:36,548 --> 00:04:39,983 'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30 is dinnertime for some reason. 139 00:04:43,455 --> 00:04:44,655 Oh, my. 140 00:04:44,722 --> 00:04:47,024 Lois, those sweet potatoes look delicious. 141 00:04:47,091 --> 00:04:48,525 That's the stuffing, Ma. 142 00:04:48,593 --> 00:04:51,328 Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. 143 00:04:51,396 --> 00:04:52,963 Oh, this looks fantastic. 144 00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,982 I can't wait to poop this out. 145 00:04:55,066 --> 00:04:56,300 Hey! Who's gonna get 146 00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:58,435 the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? 147 00:04:58,503 --> 00:05:00,170 You are! Dad's gonna get it! 148 00:05:00,238 --> 00:05:01,104 Who else? 149 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,941 Loving. Loving family. 150 00:05:04,008 --> 00:05:05,976 Well, dig in, everyone! 151 00:05:10,148 --> 00:05:11,782 Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. 152 00:05:11,850 --> 00:05:13,684 How have you been? Very well, thank you. 153 00:05:13,751 --> 00:05:16,687 He threw up when he found out you were a monster. 154 00:05:16,754 --> 00:05:19,089 This food is so (bleep) good, Lois. 155 00:05:19,157 --> 00:05:21,458 Oh. Okay. Wow. 156 00:05:21,526 --> 00:05:23,794 Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? 157 00:05:27,715 --> 00:05:28,916 Oh, my God! 158 00:05:28,983 --> 00:05:30,484 Kevin Swanson! 159 00:05:30,552 --> 00:05:32,352 Son, you're alive! 160 00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:35,322 Aw, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. 161 00:05:35,390 --> 00:05:37,057 All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. 162 00:05:37,125 --> 00:05:38,392 Kevin, go back outside. 163 00:05:38,476 --> 00:05:39,943 Everybody pretend this didn't happen. 164 00:05:40,011 --> 00:05:43,580 Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? 165 00:05:43,648 --> 00:05:46,350 Is it son-died tomato? 166 00:05:47,485 --> 00:05:50,387 Is it son-died tomato? 167 00:05:50,455 --> 00:05:52,022 Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. 168 00:05:52,073 --> 00:05:53,356 Welcome home, soldier. 169 00:05:54,425 --> 00:05:56,026 Son-died tomato. 170 00:06:03,234 --> 00:06:04,684 Kevin, you're alive! 171 00:06:04,752 --> 00:06:05,618 I don't believe it. 172 00:06:05,670 --> 00:06:07,687 Oh, my God, it's a miracle! 173 00:06:07,755 --> 00:06:09,522 Well, I guess you replaced real butter 174 00:06:09,590 --> 00:06:10,890 as the star of the dinner. 175 00:06:10,958 --> 00:06:12,425 But I don't understand. 176 00:06:12,493 --> 00:06:14,194 The Army said you'd been killed in action. 177 00:06:14,261 --> 00:06:15,161 What happened? 178 00:06:15,229 --> 00:06:17,931 Well, it's quite a story. 179 00:06:17,998 --> 00:06:21,434 In some ways, Army life in Iraq is what you'd expect, 180 00:06:21,502 --> 00:06:23,169 what with the blistering heat, 181 00:06:23,220 --> 00:06:24,938 the constant sense of impending danger, 182 00:06:25,005 --> 00:06:26,773 and the one gay soldier 183 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,408 awkwardly avoiding the use of pronouns. 184 00:06:28,476 --> 00:06:30,810 Man, I sure miss my sweetheart back home. 185 00:06:30,878 --> 00:06:33,029 I can't wait to get back to that person. 186 00:06:33,097 --> 00:06:34,698 Chow time, boys. 187 00:06:34,782 --> 00:06:36,499 Yes, sir, Sergeant Major General Captain! 188 00:06:36,567 --> 00:06:38,334 Ah, come on, boys, it's Thanksgiving. 189 00:06:38,402 --> 00:06:40,236 Call me Major General Captain. 190 00:06:40,304 --> 00:06:41,488 Now you eat up. 191 00:06:43,007 --> 00:06:45,709 I don't trust that turkey those Iraqis made. 192 00:06:45,793 --> 00:06:47,327 Ah, you're all wet, Swanson. 193 00:06:47,378 --> 00:06:48,328 I call the white meat. 194 00:06:48,379 --> 00:06:49,713 I call the dark meat. 195 00:06:49,797 --> 00:06:51,331 I call the cell phone duct-taped to the side! 196 00:06:51,382 --> 00:06:52,215 Noooooo! 197 00:06:56,087 --> 00:06:58,221 They're all dead, sir, except for Swanson. 198 00:06:58,289 --> 00:07:00,490 He's in a coma, but he's unlikely to recover. 199 00:07:00,558 --> 00:07:03,276 Okay, well, just send Swanson's parents a letter saying 200 00:07:03,344 --> 00:07:05,478 that he's dead, 'cause those are already printed. 201 00:07:05,546 --> 00:07:07,080 You know what? Send one to my parents, too. 202 00:07:07,148 --> 00:07:10,083 I spent five years in a Kuwait military hospital. 203 00:07:10,151 --> 00:07:12,001 I woke up from the coma last week, 204 00:07:12,069 --> 00:07:13,403 and I flew straight here. 205 00:07:13,487 --> 00:07:15,121 Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise. 206 00:07:15,189 --> 00:07:18,057 Hey, when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma, 207 00:07:18,125 --> 00:07:19,542 do you know it's happening 208 00:07:19,610 --> 00:07:20,994 and just can't do anything about it? 209 00:07:21,061 --> 00:07:22,629 Or do u not even know what's going on? 210 00:07:22,696 --> 00:07:24,364 I also am curious about that. 211 00:07:24,432 --> 00:07:25,999 Hey, Kevin, you know I put a yellow ribbon 212 00:07:26,066 --> 00:07:27,400 on my car for you guys? 213 00:07:27,468 --> 00:07:30,136 And-and a little thing that says "I support the troops." 214 00:07:30,204 --> 00:07:32,639 'Cause there's nothing I wouldn't do for you guys. 215 00:07:32,706 --> 00:07:35,041 but I don't have any change on me right now. 216 00:07:35,092 --> 00:07:37,660 Well, all that matters is that my boy is home. 217 00:07:37,728 --> 00:07:40,830 Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister, Susie. 218 00:07:40,898 --> 00:07:41,831 Wow. 219 00:07:41,899 --> 00:07:42,999 Hey, little sis. 220 00:07:43,067 --> 00:07:44,667 I guess we got some catching up to do, huh? 221 00:07:44,735 --> 00:07:45,835 Hope you don't get scared 222 00:07:45,903 --> 00:07:47,570 when I scream and have night terrors. 223 00:07:47,638 --> 00:07:48,705 It's quite all right. 224 00:07:48,773 --> 00:07:49,873 I've seen worse. 225 00:07:52,676 --> 00:07:54,410 A human centipede. 226 00:07:54,478 --> 00:07:55,745 How ghastly. 227 00:07:55,813 --> 00:07:58,214 Your mother and I are very proud of you, Kevin. 228 00:07:58,282 --> 00:07:59,616 You're a war hero. 229 00:07:59,683 --> 00:08:01,217 I don't feel like a war hero. 230 00:08:01,285 --> 00:08:02,919 Only a war hero would say that. 231 00:08:02,987 --> 00:08:05,522 Hey, so what about the female soldiers over there? 232 00:08:05,589 --> 00:08:06,823 Were they able to contribute? 233 00:08:06,891 --> 00:08:08,475 Eh, you know, they did their best. 234 00:08:08,542 --> 00:08:10,043 What with their regular bleedings 235 00:08:10,110 --> 00:08:11,861 when they got shot, did they even know? 236 00:08:11,929 --> 00:08:13,563 Look, guys, I'm not a hero. 237 00:08:13,631 --> 00:08:15,748 And I don't want to be treated any different than before. 238 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:16,950 Just that you would say that 239 00:08:17,017 --> 00:08:18,618 means we should treat you different. 240 00:08:18,686 --> 00:08:22,222 Come on, guys, let's give him all our best food. 241 00:08:22,289 --> 00:08:24,524 Okay, now you eat up, and then we're all gonna go out back 242 00:08:24,592 --> 00:08:27,360 and play some Thanksgiving touch football-- excuse me: 243 00:08:27,428 --> 00:08:30,063 war hero Thanksgiving touch football. 244 00:08:35,469 --> 00:08:36,686 Yeaaaaah! 245 00:08:36,770 --> 00:08:37,987 U.S.A.! 246 00:08:38,072 --> 00:08:39,272 I didn't even know there was a war. 247 00:08:41,808 --> 00:08:43,209 Okay, let's pick teams. 248 00:08:43,277 --> 00:08:44,511 I'll be a captain, 249 00:08:44,578 --> 00:08:46,763 and, uh, Mayor West, you can be a captain. 250 00:08:46,831 --> 00:08:48,431 All right. I pick you. 251 00:08:48,499 --> 00:08:50,717 You can't pick me; I'm a captain. 252 00:08:50,784 --> 00:08:53,887 No one had ever stood up to me like that before. 253 00:08:53,954 --> 00:08:56,039 I respected him from there on out. 254 00:08:56,106 --> 00:08:57,540 That's a great story, Grandpa. 255 00:08:57,608 --> 00:08:59,092 I didn't like it. 256 00:08:59,159 --> 00:09:00,527 None of my grandchildren 257 00:09:00,594 --> 00:09:03,496 had ever disliked one of my stories before. 258 00:09:03,564 --> 00:09:06,099 From then on, he was my favorite. 259 00:09:06,166 --> 00:09:08,067 Well, I don't like that story, Great Grandpa. 260 00:09:09,553 --> 00:09:12,121 Future old people are wizards. 261 00:09:13,924 --> 00:09:15,225 I'm... I'm drunk, 262 00:09:15,292 --> 00:09:18,628 and I'm gonna throw the football too hard at my kids. 263 00:09:18,696 --> 00:09:20,146 Oh, Dad, do we have to-- Ow! 264 00:09:20,197 --> 00:09:22,181 Don't cry! Don't cry! 265 00:09:22,233 --> 00:09:23,733 Game's over if you cry. 266 00:09:23,801 --> 00:09:26,636 I want you to learn about life, Chris, 267 00:09:26,704 --> 00:09:28,972 'cause of, in life it's like this. 268 00:09:30,341 --> 00:09:32,475 Peter, I think you may have had one too many. 269 00:09:32,543 --> 00:09:34,377 Maybe it's time to ease off, huh? 270 00:09:34,445 --> 00:09:35,712 What are you talking about, Lois? 271 00:09:35,779 --> 00:09:37,380 Dads getting drunk on Thanksgiving 272 00:09:37,448 --> 00:09:38,815 is a holiday tradition. 273 00:09:38,883 --> 00:09:41,951 I work hard to put a cornucopia on this table, 274 00:09:42,019 --> 00:09:44,053 and you're out showing your lower ankle 275 00:09:44,121 --> 00:09:47,307 to every Tom, Tom, and other Tom in our village! 276 00:09:47,374 --> 00:09:49,325 Don't talk to mother in like fashion! 277 00:09:49,393 --> 00:09:51,644 That's it. The belt is coming off. 278 00:09:55,683 --> 00:09:56,833 All right, son. 279 00:09:56,901 --> 00:09:59,002 Let's put these bozos in a hurt locker. 280 00:09:59,069 --> 00:10:01,070 Right? 'Cause, uh, "hurt locker" means 281 00:10:01,138 --> 00:10:02,839 some kind of war hero thing, or something. 282 00:10:02,907 --> 00:10:04,574 Pfft. My friends and I used to laugh 283 00:10:04,642 --> 00:10:06,009 about how fake that movie is. 284 00:10:06,076 --> 00:10:07,010 But... 285 00:10:07,077 --> 00:10:08,428 Well, wait, I, uh... 286 00:10:08,495 --> 00:10:10,563 I'm pretty sure that movie came out 287 00:10:10,631 --> 00:10:12,332 after you went into your coma. 288 00:10:12,399 --> 00:10:14,767 Right-- no, no, uh, I-I-I was talking about a different movie. 289 00:10:14,835 --> 00:10:15,818 Let's play ball! 290 00:10:15,886 --> 00:10:18,955 Yeah, let's play ball. 291 00:10:20,841 --> 00:10:22,675 The world has changed around me, 292 00:10:22,743 --> 00:10:24,243 and I'm mad and scared! 293 00:10:28,349 --> 00:10:31,084 Lois, this pumpkin pie looks delightful. 294 00:10:31,151 --> 00:10:33,069 Hey, Kevin, can I see your Purple Heart? 295 00:10:33,137 --> 00:10:34,570 'Cause I never actually seen one. 296 00:10:34,638 --> 00:10:37,240 One-one time this homeless guy showed me his purple head, 297 00:10:37,308 --> 00:10:39,575 but looking back, I'm-I'm not so sure 298 00:10:39,643 --> 00:10:41,077 that that was really a military thing. 299 00:10:41,145 --> 00:10:42,879 Pfft. I didn't want that stupid medal. 300 00:10:42,947 --> 00:10:44,213 You know what I did with it? 301 00:10:44,281 --> 00:10:45,882 I threw it back over the White House fence. 302 00:10:45,950 --> 00:10:47,383 Wait a minute. I thought you said 303 00:10:47,451 --> 00:10:48,985 you flew straight home from Kuwait 304 00:10:49,053 --> 00:10:50,620 after you woke from your coma. 305 00:10:50,688 --> 00:10:53,389 When did you throw your medal over the White House fence? 306 00:10:53,457 --> 00:10:56,225 N-N-N-No, I-I-I told you, I flew to D.C., ditched the medals, 307 00:10:56,293 --> 00:10:57,493 and flew home. 308 00:10:57,561 --> 00:10:59,696 I guess that was just his dirty hobo penis, huh? 309 00:10:59,763 --> 00:11:01,464 Kevin, why would you want to get rid of 310 00:11:01,532 --> 00:11:02,632 your war medals like that? 311 00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:04,334 'Cause it was a stupid war, you know? 312 00:11:04,401 --> 00:11:07,420 All it did was put me in a coma and kill one of my bunkmates 313 00:11:07,488 --> 00:11:09,188 and cripple the other one for life. 314 00:11:09,256 --> 00:11:10,590 W-Wait a minute. 315 00:11:10,658 --> 00:11:11,958 Now, I thought earlier you said 316 00:11:12,026 --> 00:11:13,660 that both of your bunkmates were killed. 317 00:11:13,727 --> 00:11:16,129 Now you're saying only one of them was? 318 00:11:16,196 --> 00:11:17,664 But I just want you guys to know 319 00:11:17,731 --> 00:11:19,565 I barely even stared at that penis for an hour. 320 00:11:19,633 --> 00:11:21,034 What? Come on, Dad. 321 00:11:21,101 --> 00:11:22,335 Whatev. 322 00:11:22,403 --> 00:11:23,770 H-Hey, why's it so hot in here? 323 00:11:23,821 --> 00:11:24,954 It's too hot in here. 324 00:11:25,022 --> 00:11:25,989 Wait a minute. 325 00:11:26,056 --> 00:11:27,540 An Ed Hardy T-shirt? 326 00:11:27,608 --> 00:11:29,776 That particular strain of douche bag 327 00:11:29,843 --> 00:11:31,811 didn't arise until 2007, 328 00:11:31,879 --> 00:11:33,680 while you were supposedly in your coma. 329 00:11:33,747 --> 00:11:34,998 Look, get off my case, Dad! 330 00:11:35,065 --> 00:11:36,399 What do you want from me? 331 00:11:36,467 --> 00:11:37,367 The truth. 332 00:11:37,434 --> 00:11:38,968 Fine! Here's the truth! 333 00:11:39,036 --> 00:11:40,803 I was never in any coma, okay? 334 00:11:40,871 --> 00:11:41,804 I bailed. 335 00:11:41,872 --> 00:11:43,606 I faked my death and went AWOL. 336 00:11:44,441 --> 00:11:46,109 I faked my own death once. 337 00:12:03,410 --> 00:12:06,062 No dentist appointment for this guy. 338 00:12:06,130 --> 00:12:07,263 So, there it is. 339 00:12:07,331 --> 00:12:08,431 I'm not a war hero. 340 00:12:08,499 --> 00:12:09,599 I abandoned my platoon. 341 00:12:09,666 --> 00:12:10,967 So now what do we do? 342 00:12:12,169 --> 00:12:13,736 Me? 343 00:12:13,804 --> 00:12:15,772 Am-Am I, am I supposed to say something? 344 00:12:15,839 --> 00:12:17,490 Kevin, 345 00:12:17,558 --> 00:12:19,525 you're under arrest for the crime of desertion. 346 00:12:19,593 --> 00:12:20,977 Oh, my. 347 00:12:21,045 --> 00:12:23,646 Um, maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room. 348 00:12:23,714 --> 00:12:24,680 You may use the yard. 349 00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:34,186 So you were lying to us this whole time? 350 00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:35,887 You weren't really injured in Iraq? 351 00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:38,924 First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? 352 00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:40,692 Kevin, I don't understand. 353 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,060 There's nothing to understand. 354 00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:43,662 Our son is a deserter. 355 00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:45,380 Come on, Kevin, I'm taking you to jail. 356 00:12:45,464 --> 00:12:47,032 Joe, wait! Not now, Bonnie. 357 00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:48,266 Joe, you can't! 358 00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:49,534 Bonnie, we'll discuss this later! 359 00:12:49,585 --> 00:12:52,370 Joe! You're not taking my son anywhere. 360 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,306 Damn it, you guys are ruining Thanksgiving! 361 00:12:54,373 --> 00:12:56,107 And it's my second favorite holiday, 362 00:12:56,175 --> 00:12:58,877 right after Pretend Not To Notice People's Race Day. 363 00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:00,045 Hey, you seen Reggie around? 364 00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:01,713 Which one is Reggie? 365 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,549 Oh, uh, today he's wearing yellow pants, 366 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:08,386 uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes. 367 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:11,289 Uh, he's got a gold tooth, uh, diamond earring. 368 00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:14,326 Um, he's got that big necklace with the dollar sign on it. 369 00:13:14,393 --> 00:13:16,561 Uh, he's always grabbing his crotch 370 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,762 when he's telling a story. 371 00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:18,997 Like the one about when he found out 372 00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:20,532 his mother is really his grandmother. 373 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,000 Could you be more specific? 374 00:13:22,068 --> 00:13:23,468 Uh, oh, let's see. 375 00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,670 Uh, he always wears cheap cologne. 376 00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:28,940 Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown on the dashboard. 377 00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:30,909 Uh, never pays his alimony. 378 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,712 Uh, he's extremely cut for a guy who never works out. 379 00:13:33,779 --> 00:13:35,130 Oh, there he is. Thanks anyway. 380 00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:36,214 Hey, Reggie! 381 00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:39,150 Look, maybe we should just let Kevin 382 00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:40,969 explain why he did what he did. 383 00:13:43,272 --> 00:13:44,856 At first, I believed in the cause. 384 00:13:44,923 --> 00:13:47,258 But then I saw what we were doing to the people of Iraq. 385 00:13:47,310 --> 00:13:48,426 Innocent people. 386 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,612 There was one that I'll never forget. 387 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,781 He was a little Iraqi street kid. 388 00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:54,766 I'd befriended him a few months earlier. 389 00:13:54,817 --> 00:13:56,618 Couldn't have been more than 12 years old. 390 00:13:56,702 --> 00:13:58,803 I taught him how to crack wise, American style. 391 00:14:02,725 --> 00:14:05,210 I guess that store's having a fire sale. 392 00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:09,381 I tell you, that kid was strong-headed for his age. 393 00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:10,882 Smart, but innocent. 394 00:14:10,949 --> 00:14:13,301 And then one day, there was a fire fight. 395 00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:25,747 We bring in this civilian who got killed in the crossfire. 396 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,934 I pull back the sheet, and who is it? 397 00:14:30,002 --> 00:14:31,486 Not the kid, but, like, 398 00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:34,138 the kid's dad's, like, coworker's neighbor. 399 00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:37,108 He was 74 and he had actually tried to rape someone. 400 00:14:37,159 --> 00:14:39,244 But just looking down at his dead face 401 00:14:39,311 --> 00:14:42,030 and knowing that he lived near someone who worked with the dad 402 00:14:42,114 --> 00:14:45,567 of the kid whose name I never found out, I lost all hope. 403 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,952 That's when I knew I had to get out of Iraq. 404 00:14:48,004 --> 00:14:49,871 I just had to wait for my chance. 405 00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:50,872 I call the white meat! 406 00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:52,240 I call the dark meat! 407 00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:53,792 I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! 408 00:14:53,843 --> 00:14:54,709 No! 409 00:14:59,215 --> 00:15:01,433 Somehow, I'd been spared that Thanksgiving. 410 00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,885 But I can't say the same for my bunkmates. 411 00:15:03,969 --> 00:15:05,887 There were bits and pieces of them everywhere. 412 00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:08,840 I knew the Army would never be able to identify who was who. 413 00:15:08,891 --> 00:15:12,110 So that was my chance to disappear. 414 00:15:12,178 --> 00:15:13,345 So I left. 415 00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,679 How could you do that?! 416 00:15:14,730 --> 00:15:15,897 Coward! Traitor! 417 00:15:15,965 --> 00:15:17,866 If you think that I'm gonna masturbate 418 00:15:17,933 --> 00:15:20,235 after this tonight, you're right. 419 00:15:20,319 --> 00:15:22,137 We don't have to sit here and listen to this. 420 00:15:22,204 --> 00:15:23,905 Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here. 421 00:15:23,973 --> 00:15:25,540 Nice try, skank. Worth a shot. 422 00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:27,826 Well, where did you go after you left the war? 423 00:15:27,877 --> 00:15:29,711 I spent a few years laying low. 424 00:15:29,779 --> 00:15:31,446 Wrote some poems. You want to hear some? 425 00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:32,347 No. Are you sure? 426 00:15:32,415 --> 00:15:33,782 They're pretty intense. 427 00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:35,550 No. Here, let me just read one. 428 00:15:35,618 --> 00:15:37,952 If I can guess a line in there, will you not read it? 429 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,721 I don't think you'll be able to guess a line. 430 00:15:39,789 --> 00:15:42,691 Is it something like, "Ice burns as hot as fire"? 431 00:15:42,758 --> 00:15:46,928 Okay, so then I went to Europe, Australia, Canada, all over. 432 00:15:46,996 --> 00:15:48,813 But I really missed you guys. 433 00:15:48,881 --> 00:15:51,616 I wanted to be with people who love me, no matter what. 434 00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:52,951 So I came home. 435 00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:54,352 Well, it sounds to me like 436 00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:56,821 you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond. 437 00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:58,723 W-What's he expecting us to cut to? 438 00:15:58,774 --> 00:16:00,542 I think he wants maybe-- I don't know-- 439 00:16:00,609 --> 00:16:01,876 Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? 440 00:16:01,944 --> 00:16:03,094 But we don't have that. 441 00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:04,228 We-We got to come up with something. 442 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:05,997 Well, we got, uh, we got 443 00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:07,632 "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." 444 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:08,750 Play it, play it. 445 00:16:08,818 --> 00:16:10,285 But he didn't set it up. Play it! 446 00:16:10,352 --> 00:16:12,070 All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. 447 00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:14,105 There's just one thing I want you to do. 448 00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:15,039 What's that? What's that? 449 00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:16,257 Talk me out of it. 450 00:16:16,342 --> 00:16:18,176 No, no, no, no, no, no. 451 00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,445 What the hell is going on up there? 452 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,680 Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do. 453 00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:25,150 But I walked away from an illegal war of aggression 454 00:16:25,217 --> 00:16:27,919 being fought 6,000 miles away from our shores. 455 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,954 Better there than here where all my stuff is. 456 00:16:30,022 --> 00:16:32,941 So, what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with 9/11? 457 00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:35,527 Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. 458 00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:38,430 And the war we started in Iraq has killed a half a million 459 00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:41,433 of their people, which is like 200 9/11's. 460 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,935 So, I guess those moments of silence we had 461 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,737 at those sporting events meant nothing to you. 462 00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:47,522 I'm just saying this war is wrong. 463 00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:51,376 Son, your job isn't to decide whether it's right or wrong. 464 00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:53,378 Your job is to follow orders. 465 00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:55,180 Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did, isn't it? 466 00:16:55,247 --> 00:16:56,514 They followed orders. 467 00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:58,383 You're saying our troops are like the Nazis?! 468 00:16:58,450 --> 00:17:01,636 No, I'm just saying that blindly following orders has resulted 469 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,055 in the deaths of millions of people throughout history. 470 00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:06,424 You know, I have not talked to Carol all night. 471 00:17:06,492 --> 00:17:07,959 Carol, how are you? 472 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,495 Look, I think you guys are all rushing to judge Kevin 473 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:13,198 without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes. 474 00:17:13,265 --> 00:17:16,167 He saw horrific things, in a horrific war, 475 00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:18,236 that only one other person here 476 00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:21,072 could possibly come close to understanding: Ida. 477 00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:22,307 She was in the military. 478 00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:23,842 She's seen battle. 479 00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:26,544 She's seen innocent people butchered by war machines. 480 00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:29,080 And I'm sure that Ida, more than anyone else here, 481 00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:32,150 can understand and support the choice that Kevin made. 482 00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:35,453 No, Brian, I do not understand Kevin's choice, 483 00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:37,188 and I do not support it. 484 00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:39,040 Okay, well, that's just some dumb drag queen. 485 00:17:39,108 --> 00:17:41,676 Son, when you go to war, you don't end up 486 00:17:41,744 --> 00:17:44,913 fighting for your country or your family or your flag. 487 00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:46,548 You're fighting for your fellow soldiers 488 00:17:46,615 --> 00:17:48,616 there in the foxhole with you. 489 00:17:48,684 --> 00:17:52,403 You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable. 490 00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:54,205 You know what, everyone? Forget it. 491 00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:56,007 Up till today, you guys thought I was dead. 492 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,041 Well, I'm not. 493 00:17:57,109 --> 00:17:58,343 But after all this, 494 00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,094 Dad, you may as well take me to prison, 495 00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,996 'cause right now I wish I was dead. 496 00:18:02,064 --> 00:18:05,300 If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. 497 00:18:05,367 --> 00:18:07,735 I can't get a (bleep) word in edgewise around here. 498 00:18:07,803 --> 00:18:09,771 Kevin, I don't want to lose you again. 499 00:18:09,839 --> 00:18:11,539 But I do have a job to do. 500 00:18:11,607 --> 00:18:13,007 So get moving. 501 00:18:13,075 --> 00:18:15,293 'Cause there's at least one Swanson man in this room 502 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,411 who does his duty. 503 00:18:16,495 --> 00:18:17,579 Doodie means poop. It does. 504 00:18:17,646 --> 00:18:18,713 Are you, Dad? 505 00:18:18,781 --> 00:18:20,648 Are you the only one who does his duty? 506 00:18:20,716 --> 00:18:22,183 That's not how I remember it. 507 00:18:22,251 --> 00:18:23,218 What are you talking about? 508 00:18:23,285 --> 00:18:24,636 You don't remember, do you? 509 00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:26,471 I was in first grade. 510 00:18:26,538 --> 00:18:28,690 You took me out with you on one of yo shifts. 511 00:18:28,757 --> 00:18:30,558 I just think it's presumptuous. 512 00:18:30,626 --> 00:18:32,594 I mean, come on, "the country's best yogurt"? 513 00:18:32,661 --> 00:18:33,928 You know, prove it. 514 00:18:33,996 --> 00:18:35,296 Show me your data. 515 00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:36,331 Help! Police! 516 00:18:36,398 --> 00:18:38,216 That man's a thief! 517 00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:41,386 Go get him, Dad! 518 00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:53,698 Reach for the sky, dirtbag! 519 00:18:57,052 --> 00:18:58,169 What the hell? 520 00:18:58,236 --> 00:18:59,387 I'm sorry, Officer. 521 00:18:59,455 --> 00:19:01,256 I-I was just trying to feed my family. 522 00:19:01,323 --> 00:19:03,858 I don't care what you were trying to do, you broke the law. 523 00:19:03,926 --> 00:19:04,876 I know. 524 00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,511 I didn't know what else to do. 525 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,846 I have three very wide-eyed children to feed. 526 00:19:10,633 --> 00:19:13,568 Wide-eyed children are the hungriest. 527 00:19:13,636 --> 00:19:16,938 Kids, Daddy has to go away for a while, okay? 528 00:19:17,006 --> 00:19:18,706 Take care of Mommy until she dies tomorrow. 529 00:19:18,774 --> 00:19:20,108 It's okay, Daddy. 530 00:19:20,175 --> 00:19:21,943 I'll be the man of the shack while you're gone. 531 00:19:26,298 --> 00:19:29,367 Uh, listen, there's been a mistake. 532 00:19:29,435 --> 00:19:31,336 I'm not here to arrest your father. 533 00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:32,136 You're not? 534 00:19:32,204 --> 00:19:33,605 No, Son. 535 00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:36,441 I just came over to tell you what a great guy your father is 536 00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,743 and how hard he's been working for all of you. 537 00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,378 Wait. You're letting me go? 538 00:19:40,446 --> 00:19:41,879 I don't understand. 539 00:19:41,947 --> 00:19:43,982 I'm not sure I do either. 540 00:19:44,049 --> 00:19:46,551 I know the law says I have to arrest you. 541 00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:49,253 But sometimes the law is just a piece of paper. 542 00:19:49,305 --> 00:19:51,222 There's right, there's wrong, 543 00:19:51,289 --> 00:19:54,242 and somewhere in between, there's life. 544 00:19:54,310 --> 00:19:56,144 You folks have a good day. 545 00:19:58,180 --> 00:20:00,481 I never forgot what you did. 546 00:20:00,549 --> 00:20:03,184 Well, thanks for coming, you guys. 547 00:20:03,252 --> 00:20:05,219 You know what you were doing that day, Dad? 548 00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:06,688 You were breaking the law. 549 00:20:06,755 --> 00:20:09,641 You knew what your duty told you you were supposed to do, 550 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:12,443 but instead, you did what you thought was right. 551 00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:15,647 I haven't thought about that family in years. 552 00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:17,248 I think about them all the time. 553 00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:19,550 And the example you set for me that day. 554 00:20:19,618 --> 00:20:21,452 It's the very reason I left Iraq. 555 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,721 It sucks how early I have to work. 556 00:20:24,923 --> 00:20:26,958 Well, Kevin, I still can't say 557 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:29,127 that I agree with your choice. 558 00:20:29,194 --> 00:20:30,728 Not one bit. 559 00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:32,263 But I suppose sometimes a man 560 00:20:32,331 --> 00:20:34,065 has to do what he thinks is right. 561 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,167 And if that's what you thought was right, 562 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,835 I guess I can accept it. 563 00:20:39,104 --> 00:20:40,505 I'm glad you're home, son. 564 00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:41,939 Me, too, Dad. 565 00:20:43,942 --> 00:20:46,794 You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. 566 00:20:46,862 --> 00:20:48,062 That sounds good to me. 567 00:20:48,147 --> 00:20:49,197 Me, too. 568 00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:51,816 Hey, happy Thanksgiving to us all, huh? 569 00:20:54,370 --> 00:20:56,320 USA! USA! 570 00:20:56,372 --> 00:20:57,288 Wait! 571 00:20:57,356 --> 00:20:58,790 That man's an imposter. 572 00:20:58,857 --> 00:21:00,692 I'm the real Kevin Swanson! 573 00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:02,160 Guys, I don't think we have time for this. 574 00:21:02,977 --> 00:21:06,977 == sync, corrected by elderman ==