1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,486
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:07,655
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:11,251
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,387 --> 00:00:14,254
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,390 --> 00:00:17,999
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:21,261
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,413 --> 00:00:22,763
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,915 --> 00:00:24,339
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:30,029
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:35,152 --> 00:00:38,353
Peter, I just hit a pothole
in the road and got a flat.
11
00:00:38,456 --> 00:00:40,855
The man who helped us
gave her his card.
12
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,115
I'd keep an eye on that.
13
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,950
This town is falling apart.
14
00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:47,046
Last week the bridge over
the collapsed bridge collapsed.
15
00:00:47,239 --> 00:00:48,789
Well, you're a middle-aged woman
with no job.
16
00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:50,957
Maybe you should get
really worked up about it.
17
00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,201
You know what? I think I will.
18
00:00:53,304 --> 00:00:55,220
I'm going down
to city hall to complain.
19
00:00:55,413 --> 00:00:57,389
This town needs a mayor.
20
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:02,686
Y-You forgot your baby. Miss?
21
00:01:07,684 --> 00:01:10,127
Thank you all for coming over
to help us find
22
00:01:10,145 --> 00:01:11,904
the best candidate for mayor.
23
00:01:12,097 --> 00:01:14,389
This room is so diverse,
so I'm assuming
24
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,724
many of you have agendas.
25
00:01:16,786 --> 00:01:20,304
But let's keep in mind we need
a mayor who will represent
26
00:01:20,364 --> 00:01:23,082
all of Quahog
and not just satisfy
27
00:01:23,275 --> 00:01:25,084
your weird
little fringe issues,
28
00:01:25,277 --> 00:01:27,586
which are important,
but not very important.
29
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,755
As a descendent
of Quahog's Puritan forefathers,
30
00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:32,149
I think we should be able
to throw a woman into a pond
31
00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:33,575
to see if she's a witch.
32
00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:35,928
That seems a bit extreme,
don't you think?
33
00:01:36,121 --> 00:01:39,747
That's exactly
what a witch would say.
34
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,491
Lois, you're making this harder
than it needs to be.
35
00:01:41,552 --> 00:01:43,602
Just get a former Batman
and move on.
36
00:01:43,753 --> 00:01:45,587
I'm sure Val Kilmer
could use the insurance.
37
00:01:45,648 --> 00:01:48,014
Peter, we're not going
to get a former Batman.
38
00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:50,442
That has been pitched
every day since Adam West died
39
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,853
and the response
has been tepid at best.
40
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:55,096
We need someone
with fresh ideas.
41
00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:56,615
Someone who knows the issues.
42
00:01:56,808 --> 00:02:00,119
Well, if you're looking
for someone with issues,
43
00:02:00,312 --> 00:02:02,529
I think you've found
your candidate.
44
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,939
(laughs)
45
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,533
(Stewie laughs)
46
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,794
I had to go to bed early
because it's a grown-up party,
47
00:02:08,987 --> 00:02:10,354
but Mom said if I was quiet,
48
00:02:10,414 --> 00:02:12,539
I could listen
from the top of the stairs.
49
00:02:12,691 --> 00:02:15,208
You know, I think you might be
a really good candidate.
50
00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:17,285
You know the town, you're smart
51
00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:19,621
and you clearly have
nothing better to do.
52
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,808
So all in favor of the librarian
running for mayor say aye.
53
00:02:23,001 --> 00:02:24,885
-ALL: Aye.
-What about ALF?
54
00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:27,053
Let's toast our new mayor...
55
00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:29,648
um, I'm sorry,
I don't even know your name.
56
00:02:29,841 --> 00:02:31,817
Elle. Elle Hitler.
57
00:02:31,968 --> 00:02:33,652
(laughs)
No relation.
58
00:02:33,845 --> 00:02:35,687
Elle Hitler? Eh.
59
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,823
Let's all say hi to Elle Hitler.
60
00:02:38,016 --> 00:02:41,535
-Hi, Elle Hitler.
Yay!
61
00:02:44,814 --> 00:02:47,166
I can't believe Lois wants
the librarian to be mayor.
62
00:02:47,359 --> 00:02:48,650
I mean, Mayor West was a legend,
63
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,243
and now they're gonna
replace him
64
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,078
with some third-tier character
with a joke name?
65
00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:54,822
-That's Chinatown, Peter.
-What?
66
00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:57,825
I said, "That's Chinatown."
It's from the movie Chinatown.
67
00:02:57,887 --> 00:03:01,405
It means, like, "What are you
gonna do? That's Chinatown."
68
00:03:01,423 --> 00:03:02,664
Joe, did you finally
get Netflix?
69
00:03:02,725 --> 00:03:05,075
I did.
And I just watched Chinatown.
70
00:03:05,093 --> 00:03:06,668
It's kind of gross.
71
00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:09,504
Quahog deserves a cool mayor,
like Mayor West was.
72
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,264
But there's no one cooler
than Adam West.
73
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,859
If only he had had a offspring.
74
00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:17,421
Speaking of offspring,
Faye Dunaway slept with her dad
75
00:03:17,439 --> 00:03:20,424
in Chinatown
and then had his baby.
76
00:03:20,525 --> 00:03:22,850
Guys, that movie
really messed me up.
77
00:03:22,912 --> 00:03:26,263
Wait a second,
Mayor West didn't have any kids,
78
00:03:26,323 --> 00:03:30,434
but he did have a cousin,
Wild West.
79
00:03:30,494 --> 00:03:32,118
You guys don't know Wild West?
80
00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,695
No. And please don't diminish us
81
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,121
for not knowing
the same things you know.
82
00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:36,698
You know
how to land an airplane?
83
00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:38,124
No, you don't. Asswipe.
84
00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:39,867
I'm sorry.
I see you, Quagmire.
85
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,253
-I do.
-Thank you.
86
00:03:41,447 --> 00:03:44,056
Wild West is a legendary cowboy
and a spokesman
87
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,391
for everything manly. Look.
88
00:03:46,584 --> 00:03:48,710
♪ ♪
89
00:03:48,771 --> 00:03:52,064
WILD WEST:
You work hard,
and at the end of the day,
90
00:03:52,257 --> 00:03:53,899
you're more than tired.
91
00:03:54,050 --> 00:03:55,901
You're man tired.
92
00:03:56,052 --> 00:03:59,387
And when it's finally time to
kick off your boots and relax,
93
00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:03,300
nothing satisfies more
than Beef Cigarettes.
94
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,077
♪ Give yourself a treat ♪
95
00:04:05,270 --> 00:04:07,079
♪ Nicotine and meat. ♪
96
00:04:07,272 --> 00:04:08,305
WILD WEST:
Beef Cigarettes,
97
00:04:08,365 --> 00:04:10,974
now with less hooves and snouts.
98
00:04:10,993 --> 00:04:12,734
See? He'd be a great mayor.
99
00:04:12,795 --> 00:04:15,570
-Well, what's his stand
on abortion?
-What? I don't...
100
00:04:15,631 --> 00:04:17,572
Does he make exceptions
in cases of incest?
101
00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:19,407
Because I've seen
some things recently
102
00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:22,152
that make me think
he probably should.
103
00:04:22,254 --> 00:04:24,429
♪ ♪
104
00:04:36,652 --> 00:04:38,652
♪ ♪
105
00:04:45,235 --> 00:04:47,452
(chirping)
106
00:04:55,078 --> 00:04:56,795
(shushes)
107
00:04:56,988 --> 00:04:59,381
You came at the perfect time.
108
00:05:02,085 --> 00:05:03,802
(chirping)
109
00:05:03,995 --> 00:05:06,029
That was beautiful.
110
00:05:06,089 --> 00:05:08,122
If you think the birth
is beautiful,
111
00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:10,392
you should see the conception.
112
00:05:19,102 --> 00:05:21,211
Mmm. Jasmine oolong.
113
00:05:21,229 --> 00:05:22,970
What can I do you for, stranger?
114
00:05:23,032 --> 00:05:25,715
My name is Peter Griffin and
I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island,
115
00:05:25,776 --> 00:05:28,660
where your cousin Adam West
was our mayor for many years.
116
00:05:28,812 --> 00:05:30,329
And since he's gone
to a better place...
117
00:05:30,522 --> 00:05:33,665
-Duluth?
-I was thinking heaven,
but okay, sure.
118
00:05:33,858 --> 00:05:35,334
Beautiful country, Duluth.
119
00:05:35,527 --> 00:05:39,153
The air moves into your nostrils
like a welcome guest.
120
00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:41,064
God, that's awesome.
121
00:05:41,083 --> 00:05:43,083
Anyway, I thought you
would be the perfect person
122
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:45,302
to take his place as our mayor.
123
00:05:51,134 --> 00:05:53,835
Peter, have you ever
killed a man?
124
00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:56,521
Reddit says I've killed 39,
but that seems low.
125
00:05:56,714 --> 00:06:00,025
-Why do you ask?
-Just making conversation.
126
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,421
Look, I know it's a lot
to ask, but Quahog needs you.
127
00:06:04,481 --> 00:06:06,423
You're the perfect person
to lead us through
128
00:06:06,525 --> 00:06:09,350
the last five years
of the United States' existence.
129
00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:12,037
So, what do you say?
Will you be our mayor?
130
00:06:15,992 --> 00:06:18,451
Can I tell you a secret, Peter?
131
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,286
I can levitate.
132
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:23,364
-No way. Can you show me?
-No. But it's true.
133
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,032
Uh, that seems like
the kind of thing
134
00:06:25,127 --> 00:06:26,960
you have to prove
right when you say it.
135
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,628
Well, I suppose you're right.
136
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:31,131
I appreciate you coming
all this way, Peter,
137
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:32,707
but I can't be your mayor.
138
00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:36,186
-But, Wild West, we need you.
-(whistles)
139
00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:41,549
I'm sorry.
140
00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:45,529
You get home safe, now.
Hyah!
141
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:50,450
♪ ♪
142
00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:59,309
Thank you for coming out
to celebrate
143
00:06:59,369 --> 00:07:01,402
a new day in Quahog.
144
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:04,071
I would like to ask all
the women to please put aside
145
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:05,590
your blinding hatred
of other women
146
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:09,410
and vote for this incredibly
qualified candidate.
147
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,821
ELIJAH:
Stranger comin'!
148
00:07:11,882 --> 00:07:14,991
Stranger comin'!
149
00:07:15,051 --> 00:07:17,436
♪ ♪
150
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,004
(neighs)
151
00:07:28,064 --> 00:07:29,322
He came.
152
00:07:37,649 --> 00:07:39,273
Howdy, Quahog.
153
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,184
My name's Wild West,
and I'm here
154
00:07:41,244 --> 00:07:44,421
to throw my hat in the ring
to be your next mayor.
155
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,133
(crowd cheering)
156
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:53,472
And I want to say
one more thing: I can levitate.
157
00:07:53,665 --> 00:07:56,457
-(all gasping)
-But not right now.
158
00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:58,477
That seems like something
he should have to prove
159
00:07:58,628 --> 00:08:00,520
-when he says it.
-When he says it.
That's, uh, that's what I said.
160
00:08:07,771 --> 00:08:10,322
Peter, what the hell
is wrong with you?
161
00:08:10,515 --> 00:08:12,324
You don't know
anything about politics.
162
00:08:12,475 --> 00:08:13,717
Well, you don't know anything
163
00:08:13,777 --> 00:08:16,328
about landing a airplane,
asswipe.
164
00:08:16,521 --> 00:08:18,813
Besides, Wild West
would make a great mayor.
165
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,725
He's a man...
166
00:08:21,826 --> 00:08:24,169
What does that have
to do with anything?
167
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,820
Because this is America, Lois.
168
00:08:25,881 --> 00:08:28,081
Men have always run things
and there have never been
169
00:08:28,233 --> 00:08:29,824
any problems whatsoever.
170
00:08:29,885 --> 00:08:32,252
And don't say the economy
or Iraq or income inequality
171
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:34,738
or racism or Brett Kavanaugh
or air pollution or Vietnam
172
00:08:34,839 --> 00:08:36,831
or slavery or Watergate
or capitalism
173
00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:39,351
or #MeToo or homelessness
or police brutality
174
00:08:39,502 --> 00:08:41,745
or homophobia or Monica Lewinsky
or school shootings
175
00:08:41,805 --> 00:08:43,930
or Native American genocide
or Fox News
176
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,840
or Tim Allen or climate change.
177
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,526
(sighs)
You make a good point.
178
00:08:47,677 --> 00:08:50,603
But I still think more women
should be in positions of power,
179
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:54,107
and I'm gonna work my butt off
to make sure the librarian
180
00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,942
becomes our next mayor.
181
00:08:56,094 --> 00:08:58,370
And I'm gonna prove that
Wild West is the better choice.
182
00:08:58,563 --> 00:09:00,855
I've already made
my first campaign poster.
183
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:04,000
I always start too big.
184
00:09:08,123 --> 00:09:09,548
Afternoon, citizen.
185
00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:12,776
My name's Wild West
and I'm running for mayor.
186
00:09:12,794 --> 00:09:15,053
-What might your name be?
-Bruce.
187
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,722
Pleasure, Bruce.
If'n you don't mind,
188
00:09:17,915 --> 00:09:21,284
I'd like to roll up your garden
hose for you, the right way.
189
00:09:21,344 --> 00:09:23,620
-Oh, okay.
-You see, Bruce,
190
00:09:23,722 --> 00:09:25,455
every hose has a memory.
191
00:09:25,515 --> 00:09:28,066
And you just got to tap
into that memory.
192
00:09:28,259 --> 00:09:29,568
You see this kink here?
193
00:09:29,761 --> 00:09:33,630
I, uh... (gulps)
I do see that kink.
194
00:09:33,648 --> 00:09:38,134
Well, a hose is very desirous
of its original shape,
195
00:09:38,194 --> 00:09:39,986
and if you know
how to work those kinks,
196
00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:43,156
it should straighten
itself right out.
197
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,566
(moans)
Oh, merciful heavens.
198
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,085
(sighs)
199
00:09:47,278 --> 00:09:49,646
If you need some help
on your campaign,
200
00:09:49,664 --> 00:09:53,300
I'm very experienced
at taking polls.
201
00:09:56,379 --> 00:09:58,321
Wild West,
this is my daughter Meg.
202
00:09:58,423 --> 00:10:00,098
She also has a mustache.
203
00:10:00,291 --> 00:10:02,842
I can see that.
Nice to meet you, Meg.
204
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,103
Wow, you've got a great voice.
205
00:10:05,254 --> 00:10:07,606
Would you record
my outgoing voice-mail message?
206
00:10:07,757 --> 00:10:09,499
Ah, I'd be happy to.
207
00:10:09,517 --> 00:10:12,518
And could you make it sound like
one of your truck commercials?
208
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:15,947
If you're looking for something
rugged, something durable,
209
00:10:16,140 --> 00:10:18,783
something with
an endless supply of gas
210
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,469
and a tailgate made for dumping,
211
00:10:21,471 --> 00:10:23,622
then you must be
looking for Meg Griffin.
212
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,291
Meg might not be much
to look at,
213
00:10:26,442 --> 00:10:28,201
but with two different-shaped
airbags,
214
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,854
Meg is one ride
you won't mind taking out
215
00:10:30,872 --> 00:10:34,115
to the middle of nowhere
and giving it your all.
216
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,709
She's road-ready, and rode hard.
217
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,285
Meg Griffin.
218
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:41,288
Kindly leave your go-by
and Roman numerics
219
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,457
at the sound of the chow bell.
220
00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,101
(bell dinging)
221
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,023
♪ ♪
222
00:10:53,269 --> 00:10:55,061
Peter, I don't even know
why you're bothering
223
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,546
to take me to meet Wild West.
224
00:10:56,606 --> 00:10:58,806
I will never
change my mind about him.
225
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,617
That's all I ask.
226
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,816
Afternoon, Griffins.
Glad you could make it.
227
00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:11,169
Can I-can I go play
with the barn mustaches?
228
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,838
-Please? Please?
-Of course you can.
229
00:11:14,031 --> 00:11:15,415
(babbles excitedly)
230
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:17,567
-(chirping)
-(laughs)
231
00:11:17,627 --> 00:11:21,179
Peter said something about me
really sticks in your craw.
232
00:11:21,372 --> 00:11:24,331
(chuckles)
Let's not make this sexy, okay?
233
00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:26,926
I just don't think it's fair
for you to breeze into town
234
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,021
with your rugged good looks
and voice of the gods
235
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,856
and assume you should be mayor.
236
00:11:32,008 --> 00:11:34,175
Especially when you're
taking an opportunity away
237
00:11:34,236 --> 00:11:36,102
from a very deserving woman.
238
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,862
That's a fair point, Lois.
239
00:11:38,055 --> 00:11:41,182
Do you mind if I make you
a sweater while I respond?
240
00:11:41,243 --> 00:11:43,851
(exhales)
Uh, no.
241
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,595
No, that would be fine.
242
00:11:45,613 --> 00:11:49,432
Lois, I moved my whole family
to Oregon when I was 13,
243
00:11:49,492 --> 00:11:52,118
and it taught me that
a town is like a horse.
244
00:11:52,254 --> 00:11:53,770
You don't choose it.
245
00:11:53,830 --> 00:11:55,288
-(bleats)
-It chooses you.
246
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,607
And I believe Quahog
has chosen me,
247
00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:59,592
just like it chose
my cousin Adam.
248
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:03,537
Now, the last thing I want to do
is take something from a woman.
249
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:06,224
There's nothing
I respect more than women.
250
00:12:06,417 --> 00:12:08,709
(giggles)
Is that so?
251
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:10,544
Yes'm.
I've raised 16 daughters
252
00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:13,231
into strong, independent women,
253
00:12:13,424 --> 00:12:15,458
I'm a registered doula,
254
00:12:15,518 --> 00:12:18,978
and I always order edamame
for the table.
255
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:22,389
(sighing):
Oh, my God. Oh. Huh.
256
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,984
So, y-you're all alone...
up here?
257
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,727
With no one to...
258
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:29,322
touch your sweaty biceps?
259
00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:30,397
Huh?
260
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:32,475
A man's never alone, Lois,
261
00:12:32,535 --> 00:12:34,919
so long as he has
his principles.
262
00:12:35,947 --> 00:12:38,815
(shuddering):
H-H-Holy thundering Lord.
263
00:12:38,875 --> 00:12:41,985
Lois, can we keep it?
I'll take care of it, I promise.
264
00:12:42,086 --> 00:12:43,486
-(chomps)
-Aah!
265
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:44,912
Ow! He bit me!
266
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,489
I don't like it now.
267
00:12:46,591 --> 00:12:47,557
(squealing)
268
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:55,607
Peter, do you wanna maybe
do some role-playing?
269
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,001
Okay.
I'll be Quentin Tarantino,
270
00:12:58,019 --> 00:12:59,944
and you be the foot
I make a mess on.
271
00:13:00,137 --> 00:13:01,929
No, actually, I-I was thinking
272
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,690
that maybe you could pretend
to be a cowboy.
273
00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:06,433
Okay.
274
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:07,935
(sighs):
Oh, Lois...
275
00:13:07,996 --> 00:13:09,529
LOIS:
Uh, make your voice deeper.
276
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,456
-PETER (deeper): Oh, Lois...
-Deeper!
277
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,625
PETER (very deep):
Oh, Lois.
278
00:13:13,776 --> 00:13:14,942
LOIS:
Good.
279
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:18,521
Now say, "Beef:
it's what's for dinner."
280
00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:20,281
-PETER: I-I don't...
-Say it!
-(loud slap)
281
00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:21,858
-PETER (very deep): Beef...
-Oh, yes.
282
00:13:21,876 --> 00:13:23,951
-it's what's for dinner.
-(laughs): Oh, yes!
283
00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:26,287
Oh, Wild West, Wild West.
284
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,472
PETER:
What?!
285
00:13:27,665 --> 00:13:29,382
Peter, what the hell
are you wearing?
286
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:32,051
I went a different direction,
cowboy-wise,
287
00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:33,978
but don't change the subject!
288
00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:39,984
(paint can rattles)
289
00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:44,471
-Peter, what are you doing?
-I've decided that Wild West
290
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,549
is the worst possible person
to be mayor,
291
00:13:46,609 --> 00:13:48,976
and I'm gonna do
whatever I can to stop him.
292
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:51,721
O-Okay, is this because I called
out his name twice during sex
293
00:13:51,739 --> 00:13:53,814
and once
while I was peeing after?
294
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:57,393
-That's part of it, yes.
-I'm sorry, Peter,
it just slipped out.
295
00:13:57,453 --> 00:14:00,154
Well, I'm sorry I'm the length
of a Mike and Ike!
296
00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:02,298
In your dreams.
297
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:04,901
(takes deep breath)
298
00:14:04,961 --> 00:14:06,586
That one stung, Lois.
299
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,679
(takes deep breath)
300
00:14:07,872 --> 00:14:10,181
Ooh, that one stung.
301
00:14:13,044 --> 00:14:14,335
All right, I'm on your side now.
302
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,020
And if you're gonna
beat Wild West,
303
00:14:16,213 --> 00:14:18,264
you have to recognize that
one of his greatest strengths
304
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,751
is his voice, which makes him
sound sexy and smart
305
00:14:21,811 --> 00:14:23,419
and sexy and sexy.
306
00:14:23,479 --> 00:14:25,755
Where your voice sounds
like your dad's second wife
307
00:14:25,815 --> 00:14:28,774
trying to describe
something she saw on Facebook.
308
00:14:28,927 --> 00:14:29,850
Oh, speaking of,
309
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:33,112
do you know what a meme is?
310
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,855
What...
Course I do.
311
00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,282
And it's pronounced "me-me."
312
00:14:36,434 --> 00:14:39,118
Well, the other day, I saw one
313
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,104
with the most adorable kitten
314
00:14:41,122 --> 00:14:43,122
tangled in a ball of yarn.
315
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,550
(laughing)
316
00:14:45,743 --> 00:14:47,610
And underneath...
317
00:14:47,670 --> 00:14:50,704
underneath, it said:
"(bleep) the police."
318
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:52,223
(laughing)
319
00:14:52,416 --> 00:14:54,450
Okay, that was unexpected,
so I'm gonna ignore it
320
00:14:54,510 --> 00:14:56,452
and bring in Morgan Freeman,
who I've hired
321
00:14:56,512 --> 00:14:58,121
to narrate your commercials.
322
00:14:58,222 --> 00:15:00,456
We're gonna fight voice
with voice.
323
00:15:00,516 --> 00:15:03,217
Wild West claims to know
what's best for Quahog,
324
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,128
but there's a better choice.
325
00:15:05,188 --> 00:15:06,796
And I know about choice.
326
00:15:06,856 --> 00:15:08,889
I chose to be in Ted 2.
327
00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:10,149
Nobody made me.
328
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,151
I wasn't forced at gunpoint.
329
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:15,562
I relied on my advisors,
and they let me down.
330
00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:17,582
"They'll fix the script,"
they said.
331
00:15:17,733 --> 00:15:19,158
Well, they were wrong.
332
00:15:19,310 --> 00:15:21,327
I thought I'd get to act
with a talking teddy bear,
333
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,754
but when I got there,
334
00:15:22,947 --> 00:15:26,149
it was just two ping-pong balls
on a stick.
335
00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:28,651
Or maybe that was
Amanda Seyfried.
336
00:15:28,711 --> 00:15:30,336
I don't know.
337
00:15:30,488 --> 00:15:33,322
Okay, thank-thank you.
Thank you, Morgan. Thank you.
338
00:15:33,424 --> 00:15:35,600
Peter, just let me speak
to the voters
339
00:15:35,793 --> 00:15:38,436
about the issues
they're concerned about.
340
00:15:38,587 --> 00:15:40,421
Or, instead of doing
that stupid thing,
341
00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:42,923
we could sabotage
Wild West's campaign.
342
00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:44,651
Come on, you can drive.
343
00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:51,674
Big Garfield fan, huh?
344
00:15:51,676 --> 00:15:52,951
Me, too.
345
00:15:53,144 --> 00:15:54,768
-Not this big.
-You know, a lot of people
346
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:58,772
think I'm obsessed,
but I think I'm pretty nermal.
347
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,291
(laughing)
348
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,127
Okay, you reeled me back in.
349
00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:23,106
(quietly):
Let's see how popular you are
when I cut off your mustache.
350
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:43,743
(grunts)
351
00:16:43,895 --> 00:16:46,562
How is this so strong?
352
00:16:46,622 --> 00:16:50,991
My hair follicles run deeper
than the roots of a sequoia.
353
00:16:51,052 --> 00:16:52,902
Git him, fella.
354
00:16:52,962 --> 00:16:54,512
Oh! Aah!
355
00:16:54,705 --> 00:16:55,596
(grunts)
356
00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:58,908
Aah!
357
00:16:58,968 --> 00:17:00,184
Nice work.
358
00:17:00,336 --> 00:17:02,520
MUSTACHE (deep voice):
Thanks, boss.
359
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,440
(bushes rustling)
360
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:15,491
(sizzling)
361
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:22,856
Uh-oh.
362
00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:24,267
Hello?
363
00:17:24,327 --> 00:17:26,210
Could somebody help me?
364
00:17:26,403 --> 00:17:29,130
Don't panic, The Librarian.
365
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:34,302
(screams)
366
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,556
WILD WEST:
Hang on, little lady.
367
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,308
I'm a-comin'.
368
00:17:43,846 --> 00:17:45,521
♪ ♪
369
00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:05,291
(gasps)
370
00:18:07,945 --> 00:18:11,089
-I told you I could levitate.
-You did.
371
00:18:11,282 --> 00:18:13,983
BRUCE:
Do the thing with the hose!
372
00:18:14,001 --> 00:18:16,552
(indistinct chatter)
373
00:18:18,156 --> 00:18:19,246
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
374
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:20,840
Our top story tonight:
375
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:23,750
Quahog's new mayor is Wild West.
376
00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:26,104
(cheering)
377
00:18:26,255 --> 00:18:28,347
With a final vote of 43 to 19,
378
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,683
it's clear that
no one really cared.
379
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:32,351
Nice job, guys.
380
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,445
Peter, can I talk to you?
381
00:18:34,597 --> 00:18:37,615
-What?
-Look, I know we've had
our differences,
382
00:18:37,808 --> 00:18:41,043
but I'm hoping that someday
we can bury the hatchet,
383
00:18:41,045 --> 00:18:42,603
maybe even be friends.
384
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:46,866
Until then, I want you
to take care of this for me.
385
00:18:47,018 --> 00:18:48,684
(quiet squeaking)
386
00:18:48,744 --> 00:18:50,944
(gasps)
For me?
387
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:52,688
Thank you, Wild West.
388
00:18:52,790 --> 00:18:56,116
And... I'm sorry I tried
to destroy your reputation
389
00:18:56,219 --> 00:18:58,194
by burning down a library.
390
00:18:58,254 --> 00:19:01,714
I can see now that...
I'm better than that.
391
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,533
(squeaking)
392
00:19:04,594 --> 00:19:07,219
Wild West, I just want to say
congratulations,
393
00:19:07,372 --> 00:19:09,722
and I know you'll do a great job
for our town.
394
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:12,483
I appreciate that, Lois,
and you can rest easy
395
00:19:12,676 --> 00:19:15,394
knowing that you
and the good people of Quahog
396
00:19:15,546 --> 00:19:18,322
are safe under my watchful eye.
397
00:19:18,515 --> 00:19:21,659
-You ever kill a man?
-What?! Why?
398
00:19:21,852 --> 00:19:24,453
Just making conversation.
399
00:19:30,486 --> 00:19:33,153
Wild West,
why don't you play us a song?
400
00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:36,716
Aw, shucks,
I don't know if I could do that.
401
00:19:40,463 --> 00:19:43,639
(playing intro
to "Blue Shadows on the Trail")
402
00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:49,312
♪ Arizona moon keep shining ♪
403
00:19:50,732 --> 00:19:55,151
♪ From the desert sky above ♪
404
00:19:56,979 --> 00:19:58,587
♪ You know pretty soon ♪
405
00:19:58,648 --> 00:20:01,199
♪ That big yellow moon ♪
406
00:20:01,392 --> 00:20:03,850
♪ Will light the way back ♪
407
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:07,688
♪ To the one you love ♪
408
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:10,041
♪ Blue ♪
409
00:20:10,234 --> 00:20:11,951
♪ Shadows ♪
410
00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:16,547
♪ On the trail ♪
411
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:22,445
♪ Little cowboy ♪
412
00:20:22,505 --> 00:20:25,372
♪ Close your eyes ♪
413
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:28,184
♪ And dream ♪
414
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,062
♪ All of the doggies ♪
415
00:20:31,255 --> 00:20:34,457
♪ Are in the corral ♪
416
00:20:34,558 --> 00:20:37,652
♪ All of your work is done ♪
417
00:20:40,298 --> 00:20:42,131
♪ Just close your eyes ♪
418
00:20:42,191 --> 00:20:44,909
♪ And dream, little pal ♪
419
00:20:45,102 --> 00:20:47,227
♪ Dream of ♪
420
00:20:47,288 --> 00:20:49,655
♪ Someone ♪
421
00:20:50,941 --> 00:20:53,642
♪ Bom, bom-bom-bom, bom,
bom-bom-bom ♪
422
00:20:53,661 --> 00:20:55,902
♪ Bom, bom-bom-bom,
bom-bom, bom-bom ♪
423
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,589
♪ Bom, bom-bom-bom, bom,
bom-bom-bom ♪
424
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:02,510
♪ Bom, bom-bom-bom,
bom-bom, bom-bom, bom. ♪
425
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:34,500
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH