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We now return to
The Adventures of Aquaman.
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- Yeah?
- Hey, can you grab me another beer?
3
00:00:45,768 --> 00:00:48,329
Yeah. Anything else?
Maybe, you know, TV Guide,
4
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:50,386
you know, another pillow for your feet
or something?
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00:00:50,410 --> 00:00:54,212
No. Actually, you know what?
Get me, like, a Dewar's and soda, and,
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00:00:54,532 --> 00:00:56,893
you know, try to keep the saltwater
out of it, if you could.
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00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:59,014
- Try to keep the saltwater...
- Yeah.
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We're surrounded by saltwater, you know.
It's kind of difficult.
9
00:01:01,855 --> 00:01:03,816
I know. I'm just saying,
I'm just saying, try.
10
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Yeah, okay, I'll try.
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- You want me to wipe your ass, too?
- Oh, that's a helpful tone.
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I'm just saying, you're kind of abusing
your powers a little bit, don't you think?
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Actually, this is all time that
could be spent getting me my beverage.
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Hey, what are you guys doing?
15
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We got to get ready for your grandpa's
80th birthday dinner.
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- Peter, calm down. He's just your father.
- Yeah, but I love him.
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His folksy racism,
his I-don't-care-where-I-am flatulence.
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And the way it always seems like
he's chewing,
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even when there's no food in there.
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- Hiya, Dad.
- Francis, it's so good to see you.
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Lois, you haven't changed a bit,
you lying bitch.
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Francis, why don't you come
into the dining room, huh?
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The table's all set for
your birthday dinner.
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Lois, actually, Dad said
he would prefer it if you did not join us,
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you know, you being a Protestant and all.
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He said it's okay if you sit
at the kid's table.
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Peter, I cooked the damn dinner.
28
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You know, I knew you were going to
react like this, and that's why
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I brought Bill Lumbergh
to explain it to you.
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Yeah, I'm going to need you to go ahead
and not complain about this.
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Oh, and if you could go ahead
and sit at the kids' table,
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that'd be great.
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I'm just saying, '70s boobs were different.
I don't know.
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You know, it wouldn't kill you
to contribute to the conversation.
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Dad, tell us about World War I and how
America defeated Kaiser Permanente.
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Lois, when are you going to
get that baby baptized?
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Oh, God, not this again.
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Francis, why the hell is this always
an issue with you?
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Because I love this family and
I don't want my grandson to burn in hell.
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I love you, Grandpa. Your toenails
are the same color as my school bus.
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You really think that
splashing magic water on Stewie
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will keep him out of hell?
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Watch that kind of talk
or you'll get your heathen head smacked.
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Oh, that's very Christian.
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- "Believe what I say or I'll hurt you."
- Now you're getting it.
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Peter, we have a problem.
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Hey, hang on, Lois. I'm watching a movie.
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And now back to Jaws V,
Fire Island.
49
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- You think we should be this far out?
- Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.
50
00:02:58,789 --> 00:03:02,591
Hey, I'm gonna eat you all.
I'm gonna eat that hairy leg.
51
00:03:03,471 --> 00:03:07,273
I'm gonna eat that one, too.
Oh, I can see right up them shorts.
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I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth
to chew you with.
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00:03:13,195 --> 00:03:17,317
Oh, now wait a minute. I did have
a chubby kid on a raft earlier today.
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It's okay, though.
I've been swimming a lot lately.
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Yummy.
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Peter, your father won't let up
about Stewie getting baptized.
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I am sick of him always trying to force
his religious views on us.
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All right, I'll talk to him, Lois,
but, you know,
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00:03:30,764 --> 00:03:33,525
when my father wants something,
it's like sex with Kobe Bryant.
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You can kick and scream all you want,
but it's gonna happen.
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- Dad, what are you doing?
- There's no cross in here.
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Every kitchen needs a crucifix.
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Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up,"
like a bleeding, half-naked Jew
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nailed to a piece of wood.
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Listen, Dad, I gotta talk to you.
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Lois was wondering if maybe you could,
I don't know, ease up on the whole,
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you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay,
if you catch my drift.
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You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter.
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00:04:01,578 --> 00:04:04,939
Your wife's a Protestant whore
and your baby isn't even baptized.
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00:04:05,059 --> 00:04:07,459
All right, look, Dad,
I don't want you to hate me, all right?
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So I'll make a deal with you.
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If we get Stewie baptized, you and
all other old people have to acknowledge
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and be aware that there's crap
in the corners of your mouth.
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I'll think about it. Now let's go.
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Old people are gross, no matter how cute
they try to make them look
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00:04:20,786 --> 00:04:22,907
on Desperate Housewives. Go ahead.
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00:04:22,987 --> 00:04:25,869
Switch over to ABC for five seconds.
I'll wait. I'll wait five seconds.
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00:04:30,031 --> 00:04:33,352
Oh, my God, did you see?
Did you see how old and ugly they are?
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Oh, my God, that redhead looks like
somebody pulled Silly Putty
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over their knee.
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I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin,
but I can't baptize little Stewie today.
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It turns out our last shipment
of holy water is tainted.
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00:04:46,438 --> 00:04:49,039
Tainted? Holy water?
How did that happen?
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00:04:57,323 --> 00:04:59,924
We'll call you
when we get a new shipment in.
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00:05:00,044 --> 00:05:02,646
There's no such thing
as tainted holy water.
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00:05:02,766 --> 00:05:04,246
Come on. We'll do it ourselves.
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00:05:04,326 --> 00:05:09,089
Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name
of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
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00:05:09,169 --> 00:05:10,969
- And Space Ghost.
- What are you doing?
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00:05:11,050 --> 00:05:14,331
Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as
my bath with Kathy Bates.
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00:05:17,733 --> 00:05:19,653
Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.
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00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:25,856
Stewie, you don't look so good.
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00:05:25,976 --> 00:05:28,738
Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God!
93
00:05:28,818 --> 00:05:31,059
Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!
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00:05:31,179 --> 00:05:34,660
Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.
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Mr. And Mrs. Griffin,
I've examined your son
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and he is suffering from
a temporary toxic anemia
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which has substantially weakened
his immune system.
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Is he gonna die?
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00:05:44,305 --> 00:05:47,186
No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection
and must be quarantined
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in a germ-free plastic environment.
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00:05:48,947 --> 00:05:51,628
My God, you mean like John Travolta
in that movie?
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00:05:51,748 --> 00:05:54,750
Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off,
like in Face/Off?
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Well, it looks like the operation
was a success.
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Do you know what the best part of this is?
Try licking yourself.
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You bastard!
106
00:06:03,354 --> 00:06:05,515
Peter, he meant
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
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00:06:05,595 --> 00:06:06,795
How could this have happened?
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00:06:06,875 --> 00:06:09,756
It's obvious to me that Stewie's
been exposed to tainted holy water.
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00:06:09,836 --> 00:06:12,718
Peter, you had Stewie baptized
behind my back?
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Come on, honey.
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This is no worse than
when I rented out your uterus
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to those inner city immigrants.
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Peter, you're a complete slave
to your father's religion.
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What about your religious beliefs, huh?
You have a choice, you know.
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- I do?
- Of course. You're a grown man.
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- You can pick any religion you want.
- Really?
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You know, Lois, maybe you're right.
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Maybe I should pick my own religion.
The question is, which one?
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I'll tell you what you can pick.
A tune out on that piano.
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Oh, now how the whiz-bang
does the rest of it go?
121
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Quick! Make something up!
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00:06:59,939 --> 00:07:02,501
Peter, what are all these women
doing in our living room?
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00:07:02,581 --> 00:07:04,982
Lois, I took your advice
and picked a new religion.
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00:07:05,102 --> 00:07:07,983
- I'm gonna be a Mormon.
- A Mormon? Are you sure?
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00:07:08,103 --> 00:07:10,985
Come on. Nailing a different wife
every night? That's a no-brainer.
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Oh, Lois, this is Kimmy,
the checkout girl from the Korean market.
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00:07:14,306 --> 00:07:16,987
Nancy, our postal carrier.
And you know Tiffany,
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00:07:17,107 --> 00:07:19,829
the filthy woman who stands downtown
and screams at traffic.
129
00:07:19,949 --> 00:07:22,070
I ate a tube of Crest for dinner!
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00:07:22,190 --> 00:07:26,071
Isn't she funny? She's definitely
the Kramer of my Mormon wives.
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- Nancy, get me a beer.
- Mormons aren't allowed to drink alcohol.
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Peter, did you just
throw those women away?
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No. Maybe.
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00:07:41,479 --> 00:07:43,960
Also in the news,
some trouble at St. Phillips Church.
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That's right, Diane.
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A shipment of tainted holy water
could put some local babies in jeopardy.
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00:07:48,402 --> 00:07:49,802
Sounds dangerous, Tom.
138
00:07:49,882 --> 00:07:52,059
Be careful next time you're at confession
telling the priest
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00:07:52,083 --> 00:07:54,300
about cheating on your wife
with that Filipino drag queen.
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00:07:54,324 --> 00:07:57,085
Well, at least you're in no danger, Diane,
since you only visit church
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to leave your self-delivered, unwashed,
half-dead newborns on the back step.
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00:08:00,367 --> 00:08:03,809
Coming up, how to turn
your unwanted change into folding money.
143
00:08:04,209 --> 00:08:06,706
You know, it's kind of sad seeing Stewie
in that plastic bubble.
144
00:08:06,730 --> 00:08:10,492
- I think he looks like a bunny.
- Oh, that's it, Chris, keep laughing.
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00:08:10,692 --> 00:08:12,573
When I get out of here,
you're going to get it.
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00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:16,775
I'll lull you into a false sense of security
like those network television announcers.
147
00:08:16,855 --> 00:08:18,295
Tonight
on an all-new Mama's Family,
148
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,977
Mama's got more than she can handle
with the in-laws in town.
149
00:08:21,057 --> 00:08:24,098
A deadly fire
could spell death for a honeymoon couple
150
00:08:24,218 --> 00:08:25,899
on an all-new Hotel.
151
00:08:25,979 --> 00:08:28,380
Tonight on Newhart,
the stockings are stuffed with comedy
152
00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:29,821
when Bob has to play Santa Claus.
153
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,902
Then, a sniper's bullet
threatens a partnership
154
00:08:32,022 --> 00:08:33,783
on an all-new Cagney and Lacey.
155
00:08:33,863 --> 00:08:35,543
Tonight on a laugh-out-loud Night Court,
156
00:08:35,663 --> 00:08:39,065
love is in the air when Judge Harry's
old high-school flame comes to town.
157
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:41,786
Then, a child's death could mean
the case of Arnie Becker's life
158
00:08:41,866 --> 00:08:43,267
on an all-new L.A. Law.
159
00:08:43,387 --> 00:08:44,403
That's Night Court at 8:00.
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00:08:44,427 --> 00:08:45,708
L.A. Law at 9:00.
161
00:08:46,788 --> 00:08:48,549
Now remember, kids, don't touch Stewie.
162
00:08:48,669 --> 00:08:51,030
He's not allowed to have
any human contact.
163
00:08:53,191 --> 00:08:56,273
Hey, finish the job, idiot!
For God's sakes, there's no ventilation!
164
00:08:56,393 --> 00:08:58,234
It smells like Brian Dennehy in here!
165
00:08:58,314 --> 00:09:02,436
I see London, I see France,
I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass.
166
00:09:02,516 --> 00:09:04,837
Hey, gay-bo, I'm up here. Up here.
167
00:09:07,238 --> 00:09:08,398
Hi, my name's Peter.
168
00:09:08,518 --> 00:09:10,639
I'm a Jehovah's Witness,
here to spread the good news
169
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,240
of the story of Jesus Christ.
170
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,801
- Okay, go ahead.
- Really?
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00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,442
Wow.
172
00:09:16,962 --> 00:09:20,124
Boy, you're the first person
who didn't slam the door on me.
173
00:09:20,244 --> 00:09:22,925
Okay, well,
174
00:09:23,005 --> 00:09:25,966
Jesus was a miracle worker, of sorts.
175
00:09:26,327 --> 00:09:30,769
He would travel from place to place,
putting things right that once went wrong
176
00:09:31,329 --> 00:09:35,211
and hoping each time that his next leap
would be the leap home.
177
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,774
What do you think you're doing
with my wife?
178
00:09:43,094 --> 00:09:44,094
Oh, boy.
179
00:09:49,457 --> 00:09:53,459
The pathway to enlightenment
starts with an unfettered, focused mind.
180
00:09:53,539 --> 00:09:55,620
- Look out!
- What are you doing?
181
00:09:55,740 --> 00:09:58,621
Oh? I thought that dot on your head
was from a sniper rifle.
182
00:09:58,701 --> 00:10:01,623
Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment.
183
00:10:01,703 --> 00:10:03,624
It's a portal, an opening through which
184
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:06,585
all light, goodness, rejuvenation,
joy and ecstasy
185
00:10:06,665 --> 00:10:08,586
may enter the human form.
186
00:10:09,907 --> 00:10:10,987
- A vagina?
- Get out.
187
00:10:15,989 --> 00:10:18,631
Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View.
188
00:10:18,711 --> 00:10:19,911
No! No, no! Not again!
189
00:10:29,676 --> 00:10:32,557
Let me out of here!
I can't watch another second!
190
00:10:34,678 --> 00:10:38,640
Relax, Stewie. The doctor gave me this
so you can get some exercise.
191
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,722
Boy, Stewie's more wound up than
Dad was that time he took steroids.
192
00:10:43,002 --> 00:10:45,483
Peter, could you please pass the potatoes?
193
00:10:46,203 --> 00:10:47,604
Damn it, Meg!
194
00:10:49,925 --> 00:10:53,086
Now, back to Happy Days.
- Ah, that Fonzie is magic.
195
00:10:53,206 --> 00:10:55,327
I love the way he hits the jukebox
to make it work.
196
00:10:55,448 --> 00:10:56,568
What is it, Mr. C?
197
00:10:56,648 --> 00:11:01,210
Fonz, I wanted to pleasure Marion
for our anniversary, but, as you know,
198
00:11:01,290 --> 00:11:03,291
I have erectile dysfunction.
199
00:11:04,572 --> 00:11:07,333
- Oh, there we go.
- Thank you, Arthur.
200
00:11:07,413 --> 00:11:08,413
Eh.
201
00:11:09,614 --> 00:11:13,056
Brian, will you carry me upstairs?
I want to look at my toys.
202
00:11:13,136 --> 00:11:15,977
- No. I'm watching television.
- Come on, I'm sick.
203
00:11:16,057 --> 00:11:17,738
All right. Come here.
204
00:11:23,981 --> 00:11:27,462
Oh, Todd, I feel like we'll never have
a baby of our own!
205
00:11:27,542 --> 00:11:30,103
We will, Kelly.
You just have to visualize it.
206
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:34,185
Come on, close your eyes.
Picture a happy, healthy baby boy at play.
207
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:37,987
Now put him in a magic bubble
and release him to the universe.
208
00:11:39,668 --> 00:11:42,589
Honey, now I want you to visualize
Lindsay Lohan,
209
00:11:42,709 --> 00:11:45,310
only, naked
and doing a backwards crab-walk.
210
00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:46,711
- What?
- Just do this for me!
211
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,873
Ah, Peter! Where have you been, lad?
212
00:11:50,993 --> 00:11:54,355
Well, Dad, I was trying to find
my own religion, but it didn't work out.
213
00:11:54,435 --> 00:11:56,996
I haven't been this disappointed
since I lost my virginity.
214
00:12:01,038 --> 00:12:02,038
Uh-oh.
215
00:12:02,078 --> 00:12:03,798
You want to get some breakfast
or something?
216
00:12:04,159 --> 00:12:08,041
You want to find religion,
all you got to do is look in your heart.
217
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:11,482
Who's always been there for you,
offering wisdom and truth?
218
00:12:11,602 --> 00:12:14,604
You've known him all along, Son.
Now worship him!
219
00:12:14,884 --> 00:12:16,765
Oh, my God! Dad's right!
220
00:12:16,845 --> 00:12:21,087
There is only one person and it's time
for him to be properly worshipped.
221
00:12:21,367 --> 00:12:23,768
I, Peter Griffin, hereby establish
222
00:12:23,848 --> 00:12:26,449
the First United Church of the Fonz.
223
00:12:26,729 --> 00:12:29,651
Fonzie, if this be your
will, give me a sign.
224
00:12:32,972 --> 00:12:36,094
Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan.
This is how a crab walks.
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It sure is! Fonzie be praised!
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00:12:43,697 --> 00:12:47,019
All right, Dad.
Two days ago, this was an old barn.
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00:12:47,139 --> 00:12:50,420
And now, thanks to you,
it's an old barn with a sign on it.
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00:12:50,540 --> 00:12:54,102
All things are possible through
the Lord God, Arthur Fonzarelli, Son.
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00:12:54,262 --> 00:12:56,703
- So, you're really going through with this?
- Absolutely.
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00:12:56,823 --> 00:12:58,904
You know this place only cost me $100?
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00:12:59,024 --> 00:13:01,665
That's a better deal than that
Aaron Neville megaphone I bought.
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00:13:01,785 --> 00:13:05,547
Okay, I wanna thank you guys for
making me Activity Director for the day.
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00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:07,548
Okay, first of all, can...
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What the hell?
What the hell's wrong with this thing?
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Okay, we're about to start the...
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00:13:19,113 --> 00:13:22,355
Peter, it's not a good idea
to be putting these flyers all over town.
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00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:23,996
People are gonna think you're crazy.
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00:13:24,076 --> 00:13:25,957
Hey, how'd you like to lose
a bunch of teeth?
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00:13:26,037 --> 00:13:28,718
I'm sorry, Lois, that was way more than
what was called for,
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00:13:28,838 --> 00:13:31,055
but that's what happens
when you challenge someone's faith.
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00:13:31,079 --> 00:13:35,521
Oh, Peter, I know this is important to you,
but I don't wanna see you humiliated.
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00:13:35,641 --> 00:13:38,402
I don't think anyone's gonna
wanna worship the Fonz.
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00:13:38,482 --> 00:13:40,643
- Is this the Church of the Fonz?
- Yes, it is.
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00:13:40,763 --> 00:13:43,445
I read your flyer.
Finally, a religion that makes sense to me.
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00:13:43,565 --> 00:13:45,165
Hey, everyone. I found him. Over here.
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00:13:48,647 --> 00:13:51,528
Oh, there you are. You would not believe
the morning I've had.
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00:14:26,624 --> 00:14:28,265
What in blazes is this?
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00:14:28,385 --> 00:14:29,922
I thought you said
we were going to church.
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This is church, Francis, a new church,
created by a man who was brave enough
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to follow his own vision.
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00:14:37,229 --> 00:14:38,350
Please rise.
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00:14:39,390 --> 00:14:40,751
Now sit on it.
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The Fonz be with you.
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00:14:41,991 --> 00:14:42,992
And also with you.
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00:14:43,112 --> 00:14:46,273
- Let us "Eh."
- "Eh."
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00:14:46,474 --> 00:14:48,675
Wow, I can't believe
people are actually buying this.
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00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,235
Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian.
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00:14:50,355 --> 00:14:53,797
You see, deep down, I think we all
secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid.
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00:14:53,877 --> 00:14:56,838
A reading from the letters
of Potsie to the Tuscaderos.
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Yea, and did Fonzie downstairs cometh
from his apartment above the garage.
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00:15:02,121 --> 00:15:06,283
And sayeth he, " Reassembleth will I
the pieces of my motorcycle,
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"though I suffereth
from temporary blindness.
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"And yea, for I am holy,
befriendeth I will Sticks Downey,
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"the only negro in the state of Wisconsin."
Amen.
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00:15:16,647 --> 00:15:17,647
Amen.
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00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:24,411
- Brian, what's that smell?
- Black spray paint.
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00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:28,453
- What were you painting?
Oh, you think you're so funny.
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00:15:28,613 --> 00:15:31,574
Well, as soon as I figure out where I am,
you're dead, Brian!
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00:15:32,735 --> 00:15:35,312
Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy
since I did those helium whippets
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at that birthday party.
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00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:39,018
Okay, okay, ready? Here goes.
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I'm a female. I have a high voice.
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I have reproductive organs inside of me.
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And I buy groceries.
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Peter, your religion is an abomination.
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00:15:48,702 --> 00:15:51,543
I never thought you could ever
embarrass me more in a church
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00:15:51,623 --> 00:15:53,344
than you did
at your cousin Mary's wedding.
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00:15:53,544 --> 00:15:56,906
And if anyone knows of any reason
why these two should not be married,
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let him speak now.
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Really?
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Nobody's gonna speak up.
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I'm the one who's gonna have to say it.
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00:16:06,350 --> 00:16:07,591
All right.
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00:16:07,791 --> 00:16:09,472
Genital warts.
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00:16:09,872 --> 00:16:12,249
But, Dad, you're the one who said
I should look into my heart
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00:16:12,273 --> 00:16:14,914
- to find my religion.
- Yes. Real religion.
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00:16:14,994 --> 00:16:16,835
What I saw today wasn't religion.
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00:16:16,915 --> 00:16:21,037
It was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs
and listening to ridiculous tall tales.
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00:16:21,157 --> 00:16:23,478
- Actually, that is religion.
- Shut your trap, Brian.
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00:16:23,558 --> 00:16:25,879
Hah! You tell him.
- Why? I agree with you.
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00:16:25,999 --> 00:16:28,656
All Peter's done is found another way
to exploit people's ignorance,
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00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:29,841
and that's just wrong.
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00:16:29,961 --> 00:16:32,002
You think I'm...
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00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:35,924
See, Brian,
that's a word the Fonz can't say,
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00:16:36,004 --> 00:16:38,685
because all is right
when you welcome Fonzie into your life.
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00:16:38,805 --> 00:16:40,046
Fonzie be with you.
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00:16:40,126 --> 00:16:43,007
I ought to take off my belt
and slap the crap out of him.
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00:16:43,087 --> 00:16:45,688
Look, Francis.
I don't like you and you don't like me.
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00:16:45,768 --> 00:16:48,489
But I suggest we set aside our differences
and work together.
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I have an idea
of how to snap Peter out of this.
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00:16:50,450 --> 00:16:52,811
Work together? You and me?
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00:16:52,932 --> 00:16:54,932
Sure, sometimes opposites
work well together.
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00:16:55,012 --> 00:16:56,212
In fact, Peter taught me that.
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00:17:14,581 --> 00:17:16,182
Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you.
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00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,823
Last night I had sex with a teenage blonde
and her mother.
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00:17:18,943 --> 00:17:22,345
Well, that's quite a story, Quagmire,
but my church doesn't have confession.
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00:17:22,425 --> 00:17:24,162
So there's really no reason
for you to tell me.
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00:17:24,186 --> 00:17:26,867
Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody.
Giggity Goo Ga!
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00:17:29,268 --> 00:17:31,909
Let us pause to reflect
on the sacred mystery
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00:17:31,989 --> 00:17:34,110
of Richie's elder brother, Chuck,
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00:17:34,230 --> 00:17:37,632
who ascended the stairs
with his basketball in Season One
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00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:39,433
and never came down again.
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00:17:39,513 --> 00:17:41,114
There's just one problem, Peter.
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00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:44,115
When a religion gets too powerful,
it's bound to have imitators.
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00:17:44,195 --> 00:17:45,516
What are you talking about?
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00:17:45,596 --> 00:17:47,957
Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley
and I've just established
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00:17:48,037 --> 00:17:49,598
the Church of George Jefferson.
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00:17:49,718 --> 00:17:51,558
Who wants to move on up?
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00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:55,640
Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod
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00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,001
and I've just established
the Church of Captain Stubing.
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00:17:58,081 --> 00:17:59,242
Who wants to come onboard?
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00:18:02,243 --> 00:18:03,644
Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron.
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00:18:03,724 --> 00:18:06,565
Oh, great. You here to convert people
to the Church of Mike Seaver?
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00:18:06,645 --> 00:18:09,407
No, I'm here to convert people
to Christianity.
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00:18:09,487 --> 00:18:10,487
Okay.
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00:18:10,927 --> 00:18:13,008
Well, he was on Growing Pains.
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00:18:13,128 --> 00:18:15,169
I can't believe it. Everybody's gone.
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00:18:15,249 --> 00:18:17,610
Well, people like that
are always looking for the next voice
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00:18:17,690 --> 00:18:18,771
to tell them what to do.
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00:18:18,891 --> 00:18:21,412
And here I was,
thinking I was making a difference.
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00:18:21,492 --> 00:18:23,653
I thought I was actually connecting
with people.
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00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:26,294
Could there be anyone stupider than me?
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00:18:27,495 --> 00:18:29,936
- Madonna?
- Oh, yeah. She's pretty stupid.
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00:18:30,056 --> 00:18:31,977
That's something we can all agree on,
right?
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00:18:32,137 --> 00:18:35,178
- Absolutely, yeah. Francis?
- Oh, major idiot. Major idiot.
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00:18:35,298 --> 00:18:36,459
Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh!
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00:18:36,539 --> 00:18:38,820
I guess we do have some common ground
here after all, huh?
338
00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:42,382
Yeah. And La Isla Bonita, not a real place.
I looked it up. Couldn't find it.
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00:18:42,462 --> 00:18:45,279
- Bought a globe. Couldn't find it.
- Oh, yeah? That makes her a liar, too.
340
00:18:45,303 --> 00:18:47,024
- She's awful.
- Awful, awful woman.
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00:18:47,104 --> 00:18:48,785
- I agree, yeah.
- And she's a whore.
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00:18:48,865 --> 00:18:51,546
- Oh yeah, big time.
- Oh, everybody. Canseco?
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00:18:52,066 --> 00:18:54,147
- Dennis Rodman.
- Dennis Rodman, right. Right, yeah.
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00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,508
Rodman? My God!
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00:18:55,588 --> 00:18:57,125
I think he lost all his money, didn't he?
346
00:18:57,149 --> 00:18:59,670
Rodman lost? You sure
you're not thinking of MC Hammer?
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00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:03,191
No, no, I think... Well, him, too.
I read somewhere, I think it was in like,
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00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:04,512
like Stuff, or is it...
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00:19:04,632 --> 00:19:07,953
No, no, no. You know what,
it was on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.
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00:19:08,074 --> 00:19:10,435
And they said that
he's in the poorhouse now, yeah.
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00:19:10,515 --> 00:19:11,595
You think she'd do him now?
352
00:19:11,635 --> 00:19:14,116
What, would Madonna do Rodman now?
353
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,013
Oh, yeah, no,
'cause it's not about the money.
354
00:19:16,037 --> 00:19:17,134
It's about pissing off Daddy.
355
00:19:17,158 --> 00:19:18,774
That's right. She's got a lot of problems.
356
00:19:18,798 --> 00:19:20,479
- Lot of problems.
- Yeah, we are smarter.
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00:19:20,599 --> 00:19:24,481
- We are smarter than Madonna.
- Oh, no question.
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00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:27,683
Well, I should probably get out
of these robes.
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00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:35,966
- Oh, look at you. You're all better.
- That's right, Brian. And you are toast.
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00:19:36,046 --> 00:19:38,127
I'm gonna get in the gym, get my lats back
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00:19:38,247 --> 00:19:41,769
and then me and my friends from
Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man.
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00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:44,690
Listen, sorry I had to rain on your parade,
Peter.
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00:19:44,810 --> 00:19:46,171
It's all right, Brian.
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00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:49,092
I guess the Church of the Fonz
was just a bad idea.
365
00:19:49,172 --> 00:19:53,494
Not really, Peter. You were preaching
honesty, friendship, courage.
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00:19:53,774 --> 00:19:57,616
And if you manage to inspire
even one person to embrace those values
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00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:59,177
then you are a success.
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00:19:59,257 --> 00:20:01,898
Thanks, Lois.
But I doubt there's any chance of that.