Family Guy S06E08: McStroke
Mom, where's Dad?
Over across the street.
He's collecting Cleveland's mail while he's out of town.
Black guy mail.
Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail,
not go through it.
Lois, black people are different than you and I.
And me, I find that hilarious.
Boy, Cleveland gets a lot of magazines.
Grape Soda Today.
Orange Soda Quarterly.
The Fruit Punch Reader.
Hey, what you got there, Stewie?
Ooh, Mustache Aficionado.
Wow, look at these men.
What class, what grace.
And all because of a little upper lip hair.
Lois,
I am going grow a mustache.
Then I'll have it made like the Monopoly guy.
Except when he goes directly to jail.
I wish I could tell you that the Monopoly guy
fought the good fight and the Sisters let him be.
I wish I could tell you that.
But prison is no fairy-tale world.
Hey, Rupert, what if the refrigerator
was a monster that talked like this?
I am a monster.
I am going to bite your fingers.
Here I come.
I'm going to get you.
Ah! I don't want to play anymore
Normal voice, normal voice!
The refrigerator can't hurt me.
Okay?
Oh, my God, Dad, what's on your face?
It's a mustache, Meg.
Oh, I think it's sexy.
I think it's gay.
It's not gay, Brian.
If I'm gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay.
Freddie Mercury the lead singer of Queen?
He was incredibly gay.
He was not!
He had a mustache which is practically like a wedding ring
I imagine you're going to be much more of a stern father,
now that you have a mustache.
Well, Chris, there may be more lap sitting than there's been.
And I might answer most of your questions with a story.
But, mostly, my mustache tells people
that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated,
that I keep upscale porn magazines out on the open
and that I listen to the Little River Band with giant headphones.
Ugh! That's the ugliest thing the Fat Man's grown since that horse leg.
Hey, Peter, have you seen my...
Aw, Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying?
Do not stand behind me.
Because I will get scared.
And now back to One Tree Hill.
Dude, let me tell you something:
There is nothing that'll ever happen in the rest of our lives
that's as important as what's going on right here, right now,
in high school, by these lockers.
I've got so many problems.
Hey, nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake.
High school is such a serious thing These problems matter.
God, these high school students are lame.
I'm a freakin' baby, and I'm cooler than they are.
What the hell do you know about high school?
Are you kidding?
These kids today are so easy to manipulate.
If you plopped me in the middle of a high school,
I could be the most popular kid there in a week.
Really?
Would you care to place a wager on that?
Absolutely. What are the stakes?
Okay, if I win and you can't do it, you have to put your nose in
Meg's hat and take a deep second inhale
Okay, it's a bet.
Great!
- Kiss on it? - What?
Wow, Dad, you're up early.
Yep, it's a mustache kind of morning, Chris.
I watched the Sun rise in my jeans,
jean shirt and jean jacket.
Gosh, mustache culture is pretty cool.
You betcha, son!
I'm gonna make you some hash browns for breakfast,
and then, later, I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse
to lose your virginity.
Would you like that?
Would I?!
Wow, that's a way better present
than that buff hamster you got me last Christmas.
Dad, all it's done is run on that wheel
for the past three weeks.
Yeah, looks like it's in pretty good shape.
Can I pick it up?
I wouldn't.
Boy, you know, I've always wanted to come in here,
and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right.
Wow, all this stuff looks pretty good!
Can we get some salami, and...
Brian, Brian, let me handle this.
Uh, scuzzi.
Bah buh-da boopy?
Peter, what are you doing?
Speaking Italian.
Ba-ba-da boopy?
Ba-boo-ba-da-bee-ba-da-ba-bada.
Peter, you can't speak Italian
just because you have a mustache.
Bo buh-da boppa! Bo ba ba be beep!
All right, dog, here we go.
Prepare to lose a bet,
'cause I'm about to become the most popular boy in school.
Uh, excuse me, pardon me, are you the cool children?
Yeah! Who are you?
My name is Zac Sawyer.
I just transferred here from the rich
expensive, car-driving, sex haven high school
Whoa. That sounds awesome!
No, it's lame. Everything's lame
Wow, if he says one more cool thing, he's in!
I wear long-sleeve shirts
under short-sleeve shirts, under long-sleeve shirts.
- Wow, you're awesome! - That's so cool!
You've check-mated my teenage cynicism!
Excellent!
I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith
and his vice-clean rap.
# I respect women, #
# When I'm on my date, #
# I take 'em to the park and then to the museum #
# And I'll only try and kiss 'em if they are ready #
# What-what, wha-wha what #
# Help out your mom and dad by getting a blowjob #
# So you can help pay for school #
# Say loud, say whoo! #
# Wipe your shoes on my mat when you're comin in the house #
# Someone just clean that floor! #
# Say what-what, ha-ha.#
Peter, don't you think you're kinda letting that mustache consume your personality?
Shut up, Brian!
I am part of a very special community now.
People with mustaches look out for each other.
Hey.
Oh, hey!
Hey!
Hey, Jeffrey, Peter Griffin has a mustache!
- No way! - Way.
- Oh! - I know!
Oh my God, Peter, look! McBurgerTown is on fire!
It's out of control!
We need someone to man the other hose!
Hey, that guy has a mustache! Grab him!
We need your help! Take this hose!
Help!
Oh, my God! There's somebody trapped inside!
Wait, if I go in there, I could get hurt.
No! No, with great mustache comes great responsibility.
My mustache!
No!
God bless you, sir, you saved my life.
But at what cost?
At what cost?!
Peter, have you seen Brian?
No, Lois, I have not.
Well, I haven't seen him since this morning and I..
What is that on your head?
It's a mustache, Lois.
What, you never seen a mustache before?
Lois, would you mind calling the police or something?
Quiet, mustache!
Oh, my God!
Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing,
but get a grip on yourself.
Let Brian down.
No. I'm not living my life without a mustache.
Even if, sometimes, my mustache has Alpo gas
Mustache fart.
Hello, I'm looking for Peter Griffin.
I'm Peter Griffin.
Mr. Griffin, my name is Todd Meyers.
I'm the man you rescued from McBurgerTown.
Oh yeah, you're the guy who cost me my mustache.
What, you come over here to rape my daughter?
No, I own the restaurant, and to show my gratitude,
I'd like to offer you a lifetime supply of McBurgerTown burgers.
Free burgers?
Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt.
You wanna have sex?
No...
No, no, no, no... No!
No..
Peter, you should really slow down.
You've already had like 30 hamburgers.
Shut up, Brian.
It relieves the pain of mustachelessness.
And it's working.
I no longer feel the pain.
Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything
on the left half of my body.
Really?
That doesn't sound good.
Peter, are you winking at me?
Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!
Doctor, what happened?
Is he gonna be okay?
Mrs. Griffin, your husband has had a stroke.
The left half of his body is completely paralyzed.
Oh, my God!
Peter, sweetheart, how do you feel?
Uh... had better days, Lois.
Had better days.
Mom, it's been three months.
When is Dad gonna get better?
Chris, I've already explained this to you.
Your father had a stroke and it may take him a long time to recover.
Lois!
Bring me another beer, please!
Uh, Lois, you mind telling me
what the hell you think you're doing?
I'm handing you a beer.
You are handing it to my stroke arm.
This is my good arm! Bring the beer over here!
That's better.
So, I'm shaving last night at this make-out party.
I took a bunch of pictures.
You can see them on my MySpace page,
along with my favorite songs and movies and things
that other people have created,
but that I use to express my individualism.
I have a MySpace page, too.
Yeah, I have mine ironically.
Hey, why don't you guys get lost.
I have to talk to Connie.
- Hey, guess what? - What?
That's what.
No, but seriously,
there's something I want to talk to you about.
Sure, Zac. Anything for you.
You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend,
see what all the buzz is about?
OMG!
- That'd be so awesome! - Sweet!
We're gonna have a real ragin' time.
Before you know it, we'll be like an old married couple.
- Uh, Lois? - Yeah?
Uh, Peter's getting in the car.
# ...baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped #
# Look at that low plane, fine then, uh-oh, overflow #
# Population, common food, but it'll do #
# Shave yourself, serve yourself, #
# World serves its own needs, listen to your heartbeat, #
# Dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right, right, #
# Your vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, #
# Feeling pretty psyched, #
# It's the end of the world as we know it, #
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
Stop mocking me!
Well, Brian, you've lost your bet.
I- or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer-
am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one.
Congratulations!
I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?
Oh, no, Brian.
I'm enjoying myself to much
Do you know that I've got a date
with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night, at Anal Point?
Ah, I've heard about that place.
Really? What's it like?
'Cause I have no idea.
Well, uh, I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space that you think,
"Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there."
But then you fold in the sideview mirrors and
sure enough, well, look at that.
Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be
the parking space than the car.
Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.
I hate being all strokey.
This is all your fault, McBurgerTown.
You and your delicious hamburgers!
I swear I'll get back at you someday
for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy.
I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
If only there were some way I could be like everybody else again.
How long was I in there?
About five minutes.
Why are we not funding this?
Sweetheart, that's incredible.
And it only took five minutes?
Five minutes. I went in there, they injected me
with a little bit of that fetal crap, and bam
good ol' gambling man Peter.
And now I can take my revenge on McBurgerTown.
Wait. What?
It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian.
And I'm gonna sue 'em for it.
Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers.
It was your own fault.
Yeah, besides, Peter,
those companies have huge legal divisions.
You can't fight that.
I'll find a way with the help
of my snarky cat lawyer
Meowsy McDermott.
You've got to be kitten me!
Ha!
This court finds in favor of the defendant,
McBurgerTown Industries.
What?! Hey, come on! That's not fair!
Mr. Griffin, what did you expect?
They have a hundred lawyers,
and you tried to bribe me
with a subscription to Grape Soda Today
which I already have.
Case dismissed.
What did I tell you, Peter?
One man can't take on a
multinational fast food conglomerate.
Oh, yes, I can. This ain't over, Brian.
Those people are bad and
I'm gonna prove it to the world.
How do you expect to do that?
Are you kidding?
I've tackled tougher jobs before.
Remember that time I was Robin
Williams' jumping-off point?
- Okay... religion. - Oh, religion.
You kill me, I kill you, we both go to heaven.
72 virgins, huh!
You might have to help me out
with the last ten or so
because Mr. Happy gets tired- religion.
Politics.
Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil.
But this is our oil.
Yee-haw! Well, here's my missile.
Okay, take it, take it. Politics.
Uh, you know what?
I'm gonna take a five-minute break.
Huh, five-minute break.
What are you, a construction worker?
Hey, baby, I'm not gay.
Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?
Five-minute break.
You enjoyed the movie, baby?
Yeah, but I think I'm gonna
enjoy this even more.
Ugh! No, thanks. I am stuffed.
So, we just gonna sit here and talk
or are we gonna do it?
All right, baby, those are the magic words.
Now check this out!
Oh, my God!
Yeah, I am ready for sex.
I drank eight gallons of water today.
This baby's ready to explode.
Is..
is there more underneath of is that it?
I'm sorry?
Zac, just get the hel lout of my car.
That's it? That was sex?
What a rip-off.
I should sue her.
Be careful you're not held in contempt of cat.
Pardon me.
We're two Asian businessmen
looking to invest
in McBurgerTown Industries
and we'd like a tour of your facility.
You don't look Asian.
Well, I guess we'll just take
our millions of Dongs elsewhere.
Wait, wait!
Let me get our general manager.
Peter, what the hell do you expect to accomplish here?
Evidence, Brian.
I'm gonna find just the right piece
of incriminating evidence to bring down this company.
Over here is a menu from our first
McBurgerTown restaurant in 1952.
At that time, our value meal
consisted of a hamburger,
a cup of coffee and a Lucky Strike.
Wow. How much did all that cost?
Back in the '50s, one straw penny.
- A whole strawpenny? - Indeed. Follow me.
Hey, what's in there?
Oh, I'm sorry. That's off limit.
Now if you'll excuse me for a second,
I have to go to the bathroom
for about 30 minutes
as I eat a lot of meat.
Please give me your word that
you won't go in that door.
Okay.
Good. See you in a half hour.
Peter, this is your chance!
Brian, I gave him my word.
The hell with that.
Let's see what's behind this door.
My God, what is this?!
This must be the McBurgerTown slaughterhouse.
Sir, you are correct.
But in here, we call it "DaCow."
- DaCow? - DaCow.
Except we spell the "chau" part C-O-W,
Like "cow," so it's kind of a... eh, sort of a dark joke.
Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke.
That's, that's really funny.
Unfortunately, life in a
slaughterhouse is no laughing matter.
They have killed a great many of us,
including my beloved wife.
Peter, this is it.
This is the evidence you've been looking for.
If we can get you out of here, would you be willing to testify
publicly about these atrocities?
Oh, absolutely.
But how do you intend to escape?
You leave that to us. Come on.
Hey!
There they are! After them!
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Sunday
Charcoal burning everywhere
Another Pleasant ValleySunday
Here in status symbol land...
Hey, hey, what's up, Lucas?
What the hell's your problem?
Hey, Logan, what's going on?
What the hell is going on here?
Nothing, baby penis.
Well, yes, I have a baby-
Well, for your information,
I don't want a big penis.
I think they're messy.
Well, you've effectively ended
my reign of coolness, haven't you?
You're a disgrace, you know that?
Hey, you're the one with the tiny penis.
You know, Connie, look, you're right.
I behaved like a fool. And I apologize.
But, before I go,
could I maybe have one last kiss?
Well, I guess so.
Look, this girl is making out with a baby!
A nude baby!
Hey!
That's right. To hell with you all!
I am who I am.
Here comes the story of The Hurricane
The man the authorities came to blame
For something that he never done...
Quiet, everybody, this is it.
The McBurgerTown franchise suffered
a publicity setback today from which it may not recover,
thanks to testimony regarding
its practices by a very brave cow.
I have revealed to you, today, these horrors
in the hope that you will see the need for change.
But always remember what I have done here today
is not a courageous act.
The courage lies with a man who has the guts
to say no to a fast food restaurant
and eat a salad instead.
To say, "I will eat this salad with pride.
I don't care if I look like a gay person."
So to all of you salad-eating homosexuals,
I say thank you.
And thank you, Peter, for all you've done
to help expose this grave injustice.
Where will you go now, Mr. Cow?
I cannot stay here?
Peter said I could stay here.
Oh... gosh... yeah, I don't,
I don't really see how that's gonna work out.
Oh. Well, as I said, Peter just promised...
Yeah, I should stop you there.
I didn't really promise anything.
I just said "Maybe, if it was okay with Lois."
Boy, it just it seems like a real burden to me.
Well, this is pretty awkward.
Transcript, Revisions: www.forom.com Edits: VeRdiKT [subscene.com]