1
00:00:01,730 --> 00:00:05,060
ś It seems today
that all you see ś
2
00:00:05,070 --> 00:00:08,340
ś Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ś
3
00:00:08,340 --> 00:00:12,240
ś But where are those
good old-fashioned values ś
4
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:15,040
ś On which we used to rely? ś
5
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,170
ś Lucky there's a family guy ś
6
00:00:18,180 --> 00:00:22,080
ś Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ś
7
00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:24,010
ś All the things that make us ś
8
00:00:24,020 --> 00:00:25,210
ś Laugh and cry ś
9
00:00:25,220 --> 00:00:31,520
ś He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ś
10
00:00:38,130 --> 00:00:38,760
(grunts)
11
00:00:38,770 --> 00:00:40,910
Morning, Peter.
Morning, Lois.
12
00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:42,160
You using
the bathroom?
13
00:00:42,170 --> 00:00:43,030
Yeah. Why?
14
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:43,810
I was just curious.
15
00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:45,970
Before you go,
I wanna ask you
a question.
16
00:00:45,970 --> 00:00:47,240
Is there something
on my elbow?
17
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,040
Me first, me first,
me first!
18
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:50,710
(both grunting)
19
00:00:55,150 --> 00:00:56,550
Peter, I'm going first.
20
00:00:56,550 --> 00:00:57,250
Oh, no, you don't!
21
00:00:57,250 --> 00:00:58,780
Move your ass, Peter!
You move yours!
22
00:00:58,790 --> 00:01:01,190
I made reservations
with the maitre d'.
23
00:01:01,190 --> 00:01:02,620
Isn't that right,
Cornelius?
24
00:01:02,620 --> 00:01:04,090
Lois Griffin,
poop for one.
25
00:01:04,090 --> 00:01:05,120
I also need a poop.
26
00:01:05,130 --> 00:01:06,230
Do you have
a reservation, sir?
27
00:01:06,230 --> 00:01:08,070
Yeah, I called
a couple days ago.
28
00:01:08,060 --> 00:01:09,290
Who did you
speak to?
29
00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:12,340
Dave... ald... Jeff
30
00:01:12,330 --> 00:01:14,960
illiam... tonio?
31
00:01:14,970 --> 00:01:18,300
Davaldjeffilliamtonio
hasn't worked here
for four years.
32
00:01:18,310 --> 00:01:22,150
Ah, the hell with you.
I'll use the other bathroom.
33
00:01:22,140 --> 00:01:24,170
MALE VOICE:
Somebody's in here.
34
00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:26,720
Oh, excuse me.
35
00:01:26,710 --> 00:01:27,880
Good morning.
36
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:30,480
Lois, since when does
an elephant live here?
37
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,920
He's an exchange student.
Don't you remember?
38
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:35,050
Oh, that's right.
39
00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:36,260
Don't you feel foolish?
40
00:01:36,260 --> 00:01:38,300
Well, how long
does it usually take you?
41
00:01:38,290 --> 00:01:39,290
I don't remember.
42
00:01:39,290 --> 00:01:40,320
(to himself):
Oh, my God,
43
00:01:40,330 --> 00:01:41,270
that is such
a bunch of crap.
44
00:01:41,260 --> 00:01:44,360
I hope my son is having
a better time with your family.
45
00:01:44,370 --> 00:01:47,140
(screams)
Poachers!
46
00:01:49,170 --> 00:01:52,900
(whimpering)
47
00:01:52,970 --> 00:01:54,800
Joe, I need
to use your bathroom.
48
00:01:54,810 --> 00:01:56,240
Sure, Peter.
49
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:00,680
What the hell?
50
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,140
How do you even?
51
00:02:02,150 --> 00:02:03,980
Wha...? It...
52
00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:05,710
I-I don't...
53
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:06,980
Wait. How do I...?
54
00:02:06,990 --> 00:02:08,160
Uh, yeah,
that's gonna be
55
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:09,800
way too complicated
for ya.
56
00:02:09,790 --> 00:02:11,090
How come there
are two toilets?
57
00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:13,860
The other one's
for blood.
58
00:02:13,860 --> 00:02:16,930
(whimpering)
59
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,000
Cleveland's old house.
Perfect!
60
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,700
(whimpering)
61
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:24,830
Damn, no toilet paper.
62
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:25,400
(whimpers)
63
00:02:25,410 --> 00:02:27,280
Hey, Joe, can I borrow this?
64
00:02:27,270 --> 00:02:29,000
Sure.
65
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:36,010
Peter, where
have you been?
66
00:02:36,020 --> 00:02:38,290
Oh, let's just say
I've been
67
00:02:38,290 --> 00:02:40,330
at Cleveland's empty house
taking a dump.
68
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,250
Ugh! That's disgusting!
69
00:02:41,260 --> 00:02:44,760
I will be taking
all of my movements
there from now on.
70
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:47,090
All of 'em!
Brrreeee-ha-ha!
71
00:02:47,090 --> 00:02:51,860
ś Let's get loud,
let's get loud ś
72
00:02:51,870 --> 00:02:53,210
ś Turn the music up,
let's do it ś
73
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,700
ś Come on, people,
let's get loud ś
74
00:02:56,700 --> 00:02:58,230
ś Let's get loud ś
75
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:02,840
ś Turn the music up,
don't you hear that sound? ś
76
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,670
ś Let's get loud. ś
77
00:03:08,950 --> 00:03:10,250
Peter, your breakfast
is ready.
78
00:03:10,250 --> 00:03:11,850
Hang on.
I'll be right back, Lois.
79
00:03:11,850 --> 00:03:13,280
I'm just going
across the street.
80
00:03:13,290 --> 00:03:15,730
Peter, you can't keep
using Cleveland's bathroom.
81
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:16,920
Oh, my God!
Yes, I can!
82
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,090
Cleveland's bathroom
is the greatest discovery
83
00:03:19,090 --> 00:03:22,090
since fat women
discovered Diet Coke.
84
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:25,740
Now I can eat anything!
85
00:03:29,270 --> 00:03:31,370
Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no!
What are you doing?!
86
00:03:31,370 --> 00:03:32,230
That's my bathroom!
87
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:33,240
What are you
talking about?
88
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,800
We just rented
this place.
89
00:03:34,810 --> 00:03:38,170
Holy crap! Dan Aykroyd
and Chevy Chase!
90
00:03:38,180 --> 00:03:40,010
What the hell are you guys
doing in Quahog?
91
00:03:40,010 --> 00:03:42,780
Oh, we're just doing
research for a movie.
92
00:03:42,780 --> 00:03:44,350
Oh, my God,
that's amazing!
93
00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:45,210
Listen, I gotta tell you guys,
94
00:03:45,220 --> 00:03:47,880
I've watched all your movies,
like, a thousand times.
95
00:03:47,890 --> 00:03:49,050
You saw Cops
a nd Robbersons?
96
00:03:49,060 --> 00:03:49,930
And My Stepmother
I s An Alien?
97
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,790
Almost all of 'em.
Boy, I sure would love it
if you guys would come
98
00:03:53,790 --> 00:03:55,090
to our house
for dinner tonight.
99
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:56,040
My wife's cooking sucks,
100
00:03:56,030 --> 00:03:57,460
but I just want
to look at ya.
101
00:03:57,460 --> 00:03:59,290
You like meat loaf?
Uh, yeah, sure.
102
00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:00,330
All right,
see you at 8:00.
103
00:04:00,330 --> 00:04:02,900
Oh, man I can't believe
I'm gonna have dinner
104
00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:04,300
with two
of the three amigos.
105
00:04:04,300 --> 00:04:05,400
This is gonna be way better
106
00:04:05,410 --> 00:04:08,980
than when we had that Victorian
girl ghost over for dinner.
107
00:04:08,980 --> 00:04:09,380
(sobs)
108
00:04:09,380 --> 00:04:11,980
My governess drowned me
in a well.
109
00:04:11,980 --> 00:04:15,740
You are a horrible
dinner guest.
110
00:04:20,090 --> 00:04:20,960
Can you believe it?
111
00:04:20,950 --> 00:04:23,320
We're eating with two
of the three ghostbusters.
112
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,390
Actually,
I wasn't in that.
113
00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:27,190
Look at these guys,
they can't take
a compliment.
114
00:04:27,190 --> 00:04:28,590
You know, you guys are funny,
115
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,940
but, uh, I got
a confession to make.
116
00:04:30,930 --> 00:04:33,360
I'm a pretty funny guy myself.
117
00:04:33,370 --> 00:04:35,940
Maybe I say a few things here,
maybe I get a few laughs.
118
00:04:35,940 --> 00:04:37,210
Maybe you guys put me
in one of your pictures.
119
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,840
Uh, well, uh, yeah,
I suppose it's possible.
120
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,970
Yeah, we got all kinds
of roles available.
121
00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:42,950
Speaking roles,
background roles.
122
00:04:42,940 --> 00:04:44,070
Background would be
good for you.
123
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:45,870
Ooh, yeah.
Speaking role
or background role.
124
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:46,580
Either one
would be good.
125
00:04:46,580 --> 00:04:48,480
You know, I'm really
good at sight gags.
126
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:51,310
Oh, I didn't mean
to do that.
127
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,420
Now it's everywhere!
128
00:04:53,420 --> 00:04:55,250
That's comedy.
129
00:04:55,260 --> 00:04:55,830
(laughs)
130
00:04:55,820 --> 00:04:58,150
Peter, what the hell
is wrong with you?
That's not funny.
131
00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,350
Oh, well, interesting
opinion, Lois.
132
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,120
Gee, I wonder
if there's anyone
else at this table
133
00:05:02,130 --> 00:05:03,090
who's maybe
more qualified
134
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:04,400
to say what's funny
than you are?
135
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,830
Well, we'd need to see
a little bit more,
136
00:05:06,830 --> 00:05:08,460
but, uh... (chuckles)
Is that the time?
137
00:05:08,470 --> 00:05:10,670
I can't believe
that's the time.
It's late.
138
00:05:10,670 --> 00:05:13,140
I don't understand.
You're not wearing a watch.
139
00:05:13,140 --> 00:05:15,640
You see, that's sort
of a joke, Peter.
140
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,040
Oh. Well, that's
not that funny.
141
00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:19,920
It's kind of funny,
you know.
142
00:05:19,910 --> 00:05:20,480
No, it's not funny.
143
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,110
See, if you had said
something like,
144
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,990
"Oh, it's half past
a freckle."
145
00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:24,380
(laughs)
146
00:05:24,380 --> 00:05:27,880
Oh, you know, I'm thinking
of the three of you.
147
00:05:27,890 --> 00:05:29,380
I'm-I'm thinking this guy...
148
00:05:29,390 --> 00:05:31,050
Let me show you
something that's funny.
149
00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:33,060
Okay, here's an impression
of John Wayne
150
00:05:33,060 --> 00:05:34,220
on the first Thanksgiving.
151
00:05:34,230 --> 00:05:35,490
(normal voice):
I'm John Wayne
152
00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:38,270
at the first
Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
153
00:05:38,270 --> 00:05:41,270
Happy Thanksgiving,
pilgrims.
154
00:05:41,270 --> 00:05:42,330
(laughs)
155
00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:43,380
Where's this guy been?
156
00:05:43,370 --> 00:05:45,170
Well, Mr. Griffin,
this has been a lot of fun.
157
00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:47,940
A lot of fun.
But we gotta get back
over to our place
158
00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:51,010
Mm-hmm.
and, uh, kinda do, uh...
what do we have to do?
159
00:05:51,010 --> 00:05:52,310
Roll some joints
and get high.
160
00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:54,140
Yeah, we gotta do
those things.
161
00:05:54,150 --> 00:05:54,710
That's not funny.
162
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,360
Drugs aren't funny.
They ruin lives.
163
00:05:57,350 --> 00:05:57,980
Amen.
164
00:05:57,990 --> 00:05:59,590
No, Peter,
you're not funny.
165
00:05:59,590 --> 00:06:02,060
I'm afraid Dan's right.
You're not funny at all.
166
00:06:02,060 --> 00:06:03,160
I don't get it.
167
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,160
You're painfully unfunny.
168
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,260
Get the (bleep)
out of my house!
169
00:06:10,860 --> 00:06:13,000
Hey, Stewie, can I
talk to you for a sec?
170
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,130
Look, Brian,
I've colored
171
00:06:14,130 --> 00:06:15,260
Sebastian the
crab blue.
172
00:06:15,270 --> 00:06:17,930
If that isn't a middle
finger to society,
173
00:06:17,940 --> 00:06:19,400
I don't know
what is.
174
00:06:19,410 --> 00:06:21,180
Ew, I don't
like it anymore.
175
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:23,180
I wish I had
colored him red.
176
00:06:23,180 --> 00:06:24,220
Do you think
it's a little odd
177
00:06:24,210 --> 00:06:27,610
that Chevy Chase
and Dan Aykroyd have moved
into Quahog together?
178
00:06:27,610 --> 00:06:29,440
I mean...
why here, why now?
179
00:06:29,450 --> 00:06:30,180
I don't know.
180
00:06:30,180 --> 00:06:32,310
Maybe we go over
there and find out.
181
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:33,420
Maybe we do.
182
00:06:33,420 --> 00:06:34,220
Hey. Hi, there.
183
00:06:34,220 --> 00:06:39,020
Uh, can you guys tell Meg
I'm seeing someone?
184
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:42,200
BRIAN:
You see anything?
185
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,170
Doesn't look like
anybody's home.
186
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,630
(guns cock)
187
00:06:47,070 --> 00:06:50,480
Won't you gentleman
have a Pepsi?
188
00:06:58,950 --> 00:06:59,720
What do we do?
189
00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:04,310
"Won't you gentleman
have a Pepsi?"
190
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:12,300
(both screaming)
191
00:07:12,290 --> 00:07:15,390
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
192
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,040
Yell, yell, yell,
yell, yell, yell.
193
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,870
(electronic trilling)
194
00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:27,170
What the...?
195
00:07:27,170 --> 00:07:28,900
What the hell
is this place?
196
00:07:28,910 --> 00:07:29,670
Welcome to D.U.M.P.--
197
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,320
Deep Underground Military
Protection Facility.
198
00:07:32,310 --> 00:07:33,580
Wouldn't that
be D.U.M.P.F.?
199
00:07:33,580 --> 00:07:35,140
The "F" is silent,
like in "knife."
200
00:07:35,150 --> 00:07:38,050
We're actually working
for the federal government
201
00:07:38,050 --> 00:07:39,080
and we need your help.
202
00:07:39,090 --> 00:07:40,890
Do you want to be
spies like us?
203
00:07:40,890 --> 00:07:42,680
Can we be
spies like them?
204
00:07:42,690 --> 00:07:45,650
We've actually resolved
our differences.
205
00:07:51,230 --> 00:07:52,560
Wait a minute,
I don't understand.
206
00:07:52,570 --> 00:07:54,740
What do you mean you guys
work for the government?
207
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:56,440
Well, Brian,
it turns out Spies Like Us
208
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,440
was Ronald Reagan's
favorite movie.
209
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,800
So he actually appointed us
honorary spies
210
00:08:00,810 --> 00:08:01,650
back in the '80s.
211
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,540
That still doesn't explain
what you're doing here.
212
00:08:03,540 --> 00:08:05,070
You see, Brian,
during the Cold War
213
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,010
the Soviet Union brainwashed
dozens of American civilians,
214
00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:09,420
effectively making them
sleeper agents
215
00:08:09,420 --> 00:08:11,360
who could be activated
at any time
216
00:08:11,350 --> 00:08:13,120
to do the work of the KGB.
217
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:13,950
Activated how?
218
00:08:13,950 --> 00:08:15,280
The agents could be activated
219
00:08:15,290 --> 00:08:16,720
by uttering
a predetermined phrase.
220
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,550
At which point,
they would snap into a trance
221
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,490
and mindlessly carry out
whatever orders they were given
222
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:22,600
by their KGB handlers.
223
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,870
Well, I mean, what if
they encountered somebody
224
00:08:24,870 --> 00:08:26,440
who said the phrase
accidentally?
225
00:08:26,430 --> 00:08:27,060
Not possible.
226
00:08:27,070 --> 00:08:28,140
The activation phrase
was something
227
00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:30,310
that no one would
ever think to utter.
What is it?
228
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:34,300
The phrase is, "Gosh, that
Italian family at the next table
229
00:08:34,310 --> 00:08:35,600
sure is quiet."
230
00:08:35,610 --> 00:08:36,570
You see,
the U.S. government
231
00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:38,450
believes that one of these
sleeper agents
232
00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:39,380
is right here in Quahog.
233
00:08:39,380 --> 00:08:42,080
Now you two...
individuals live here.
234
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:43,250
Are there any local residents
235
00:08:43,250 --> 00:08:44,350
whom you've seen
acting strangely?
236
00:08:44,350 --> 00:08:45,680
Well, there's a pedophile
up the street
237
00:08:45,690 --> 00:08:47,560
that nobody seems to be
doing anything about,
238
00:08:47,550 --> 00:08:49,080
but it's mainly because
he's so funny.
239
00:08:49,090 --> 00:08:51,590
Well, look, we'd be happy
to help in any way we can.
240
00:08:51,590 --> 00:08:53,620
Hey, is Ron Howard's
weird-looking brother
241
00:08:53,630 --> 00:08:55,100
one of these lab
technicians?
242
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,870
Of course he is.
It's an '80s movie.
243
00:08:56,860 --> 00:09:00,260
Hey, there's something
on the screen.
244
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,640
And those two bums
turned to me
245
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,170
and said, "You're
not funny, Peter."
246
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,440
In my own house.
Well, what was the bit?
247
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:09,040
Okay, ready?
248
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:13,480
(John Wayne voice):
I'm John Wayne at the first
Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
249
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,280
Happy Thanksgiving,
pilgrims.
250
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,610
(both laughing)
251
00:09:17,620 --> 00:09:19,490
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
252
00:09:19,490 --> 00:09:20,630
Oh, my God,
Peter, I'll tell ya--
253
00:09:20,620 --> 00:09:23,390
and I'm your friend
and I'll be honest with you--
254
00:09:23,390 --> 00:09:24,420
that's funny;
that is funny.
255
00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:27,460
You know what I appreciate
about your joke, Peter?
256
00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:29,490
It's clean-- it's clean funny.
257
00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:30,670
I just wish there was some way
258
00:09:30,660 --> 00:09:31,830
I could show them
how wrong they are.
259
00:09:31,830 --> 00:09:34,360
Show 'em that we know comedy
better than they do.
260
00:09:34,370 --> 00:09:35,160
Hey, I got an idea.
261
00:09:35,170 --> 00:09:38,200
What's the most consistently
funny form of comedy
262
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:40,280
in existence?
263
00:09:40,270 --> 00:09:41,740
Improv?
Improv!
264
00:09:41,740 --> 00:09:43,610
Improv.
Improv.
265
00:09:43,610 --> 00:09:44,510
Improv.
266
00:09:44,510 --> 00:09:45,410
Improv!
267
00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:47,440
We'll start our
own improv group
268
00:09:47,450 --> 00:09:50,090
and put on a show.
All right!
269
00:09:52,090 --> 00:09:55,190
Thank you for seeing us on
such short notice, Mayor West.
270
00:09:55,190 --> 00:09:56,620
No problem, gentlemen.
271
00:09:56,620 --> 00:09:58,650
May I call you gentlemen?
Yeah.
272
00:09:58,660 --> 00:10:02,320
Now you say this spy is
located somewhere in Quahog?
273
00:10:02,330 --> 00:10:04,760
That's right. We need you
to set up some roadblocks
274
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:06,140
to help us contain him.
275
00:10:06,130 --> 00:10:07,160
Do you have any clues
276
00:10:07,170 --> 00:10:09,310
regarding the identity
of the spy?
277
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:10,370
It's a little tricky, sir.
278
00:10:10,370 --> 00:10:12,200
See, the operative is
completely unaware
279
00:10:12,210 --> 00:10:13,350
that he's been programmed.
280
00:10:13,340 --> 00:10:14,500
And the only way
to activate him
281
00:10:14,510 --> 00:10:16,540
and discover his identity
is by saying the phrase,
282
00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:20,740
"Gosh, that Italian family at
the next table sure is quiet."
283
00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:23,120
(speaking Russian)
284
00:10:25,850 --> 00:10:27,180
It's him!
285
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,330
(beeping)
286
00:10:45,170 --> 00:10:46,500
(groans)
287
00:10:46,510 --> 00:10:49,310
I haven't been this...
(moaning)
288
00:10:49,310 --> 00:10:51,540
since I... (moaning)
289
00:10:54,380 --> 00:10:54,980
I-I don't...
290
00:10:54,980 --> 00:10:58,410
I don't really know
what I'm supposed to be doing.
291
00:10:58,420 --> 00:10:59,920
Uh, but...
292
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,320
Oh, there's track star
Wilma Rudolph.
293
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,650
Obviously she had something
to do with the gag,
294
00:11:04,660 --> 00:11:06,920
but I didn't hear
the setup,
295
00:11:06,930 --> 00:11:09,470
so I don't really know
the context.
296
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,290
Hey, I wonder what
Peter's up to?
297
00:11:14,270 --> 00:11:17,480
Okay, so we gotta come up with
a name for our improv group.
298
00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:18,500
Anybody got anything?
299
00:11:18,510 --> 00:11:19,410
Um...
Um...
300
00:11:19,410 --> 00:11:21,650
How about
"The Joke Ridge Boys"?
301
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:22,470
Eh. Not bad.
302
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:23,920
Wait, how about
"Funny Side Up"?
303
00:11:23,910 --> 00:11:26,270
No, no, no, guys, guys,
we've got the name.
304
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:29,710
It's "Impravda:
The Truth is Ad-libbed."
305
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,890
What about
"Deliveries in Rear"?
306
00:11:32,890 --> 00:11:33,690
Oh, yes!
307
00:11:33,690 --> 00:11:36,760
No, no, you can't just jam
jokes in for no reason.
308
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,430
It has to be organic
to the situation.
309
00:11:38,430 --> 00:11:40,900
What the hell you being
so friggin' comedy Hitler about?
310
00:11:40,890 --> 00:11:43,290
I was in three improv groups
in college, Peter.
311
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:46,070
I was in "Improvidence,"
I was in the "Wackadamia Nuts"
312
00:11:46,070 --> 00:11:47,840
and I know I'm dating
myself here,
313
00:11:47,830 --> 00:11:49,300
but "Three Smile Island."
314
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:49,830
My point being
315
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:52,010
that I am the only experienced
member of this group.
316
00:11:52,010 --> 00:11:55,650
I can already tell
this is not going to be fun.
317
00:12:06,650 --> 00:12:07,780
How do we know
where to start looking?
318
00:12:07,790 --> 00:12:10,160
The tracking beacon I shot
into Mayor West's ankle
319
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,630
will allow us
to locate him.
320
00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:14,370
(rapid beeping)
321
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,170
Wow, those are
the Russian people?
322
00:12:19,930 --> 00:12:22,560
I mean, granted, you do
think of bears on unicycles
323
00:12:22,570 --> 00:12:24,100
when you think of
the Russian people,
324
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,500
but they're all bears
on unicycles?
325
00:12:26,510 --> 00:12:27,780
Bears on unicycles,
every one.
326
00:12:27,770 --> 00:12:28,570
So what do
we do now?
327
00:12:28,580 --> 00:12:30,850
We're undercover U.S. agents
in a hostile foreign territory.
328
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,510
We've just gotta make sure
we don't do anything
329
00:12:33,510 --> 00:12:34,410
that makes us stick out.
330
00:12:34,410 --> 00:12:37,580
Hey! They're not
bears on unicycles!
331
00:12:37,580 --> 00:12:38,780
(guns cocking)
332
00:12:38,790 --> 00:12:40,390
You are under arrest.
333
00:12:40,390 --> 00:12:42,660
Oop.
Time to lose this costume.
334
00:12:43,590 --> 00:12:46,420
(high-pitched voice):
'Cause we're in Russia!
335
00:12:55,370 --> 00:12:59,800
Here are the American spies
we captured, Mr. Prime Minister.
336
00:13:02,610 --> 00:13:04,840
(all gasping)
337
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,410
(all sighing)
338
00:13:07,450 --> 00:13:09,490
(all gasping)
339
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,560
(all sighing)
340
00:13:13,890 --> 00:13:16,460
(all gasping)
341
00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:17,630
(all sighing)
342
00:13:17,620 --> 00:13:20,020
Well, he was "Putin"
us on, huh?
343
00:13:20,030 --> 00:13:21,070
Right?
344
00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:22,690
What do you think of that?
345
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:23,540
Chevy, right?
346
00:13:23,530 --> 00:13:24,860
That would have
passed for funny
347
00:13:24,860 --> 00:13:26,600
in one of your
movies, right?
348
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:27,560
Okay, movin' on.
349
00:13:27,570 --> 00:13:29,740
Gentlemen, let me put
your minds at ease.
350
00:13:29,740 --> 00:13:33,610
I know why you are here,
and I mean to help you.
351
00:13:33,610 --> 00:13:35,380
Oh... (laughing)
352
00:13:35,380 --> 00:13:36,050
Well, terrific.
353
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:39,910
The truth is, the reactivation
of a Cold War sleeper spy
354
00:13:39,910 --> 00:13:42,510
would be an embarrassment
to my government.
355
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:43,820
On the scale of our 1981
356
00:13:43,820 --> 00:13:46,120
failed Czechoslovakian
occupation outpost
357
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,680
which was penetrated
by Bill Murray, Harold Ramis
358
00:13:48,690 --> 00:13:51,150
and their ragtag band
of misfit soldiers
359
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:52,500
who didn't even graduate.
360
00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:54,190
They slept through
the graduation ceremony
361
00:13:54,190 --> 00:13:56,730
and somehow managed
to come out of the manhole
362
00:13:56,730 --> 00:13:58,730
wearing clean pressed
suit, as you say.
363
00:13:58,730 --> 00:14:00,660
So the long and
the veiny of it is
364
00:14:00,670 --> 00:14:01,870
you're gonna help
us out, right?
365
00:14:01,870 --> 00:14:04,100
I will provide you
with transportation,
366
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:06,070
passports, food, supplies,
367
00:14:06,070 --> 00:14:08,070
everything from
A to backwards R.
368
00:14:08,070 --> 00:14:10,810
Wow, thank you so much
for your help, Mr. Putin.
369
00:14:10,810 --> 00:14:12,970
Would you like to see
Russian cutaway gag?
370
00:14:12,980 --> 00:14:15,910
Yeah, sure.
Here is Russian cutaway gag.
371
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,460
(shouting in Russian)
372
00:14:25,430 --> 00:14:27,770
(laughing)
373
00:14:29,930 --> 00:14:30,860
Where the hell
is Quagmire?
374
00:14:30,860 --> 00:14:34,000
I don't know.
He said improv rehearsal
at 7:00, right?
375
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,000
Yeah, where is Quagmire?
376
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:35,830
I haven't
seen him all day.
377
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,710
Oh, you know what?
I think he went
down to the bank.
378
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:40,480
What was that?
What'd you hit me for?
379
00:14:40,470 --> 00:14:41,740
I'm passing
the story on to you.
380
00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:43,000
Keep it going,
keep the story going.
381
00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:44,570
Huh?
What's Quagmire
doing at the bank?
382
00:14:44,580 --> 00:14:45,680
It's improv, Peter.
You don't think,
383
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:46,710
you don't think,
you don't think.
384
00:14:46,710 --> 00:14:47,780
You just keep talking.
You don't think.
385
00:14:47,780 --> 00:14:49,010
Don't think, don't think.
What comes to mind?
386
00:14:49,020 --> 00:14:50,820
Talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk!
Oh, I get it!
387
00:14:50,820 --> 00:14:52,120
Tap me, Quagmire,
tap me!
388
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,520
Quagmire went to the
bank to donate sperm,
389
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:55,820
because it's
a sperm bank.
390
00:14:55,820 --> 00:14:56,550
Yes! There you go.
391
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,500
He's moving it forward,
he's moving it forward.
392
00:14:58,490 --> 00:15:00,120
See, Peter?
Now tap Peter.
393
00:15:00,130 --> 00:15:02,000
(John Wayne voice):
Hey, pilgrims.
394
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,670
Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
395
00:15:04,660 --> 00:15:05,860
It's me, John Wayne.
396
00:15:05,870 --> 00:15:07,410
Oh, no.
All right, you know what?
397
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,230
You're not loosened up yet.
398
00:15:08,230 --> 00:15:10,130
All right, l-let's do
some warm-up exercises.
399
00:15:10,140 --> 00:15:12,840
Okay, this is one we call
"Going Bananas."
400
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:13,400
Okay.
401
00:15:13,410 --> 00:15:16,180
ś I'm a banana,
I'm a banana ś
402
00:15:16,180 --> 00:15:19,220
ś Peel the banana,
peel the banana ś
403
00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:22,940
ś Now go bananas,
go, go bananas ś
404
00:15:22,950 --> 00:15:24,810
(yelling):
Gah...!
405
00:15:24,820 --> 00:15:27,120
Whoa! Come on, you guys,
do it with me!
406
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:28,550
Go bananas! Yeah!
407
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,000
(yelling):
Wah...!
408
00:15:30,990 --> 00:15:32,650
Whole body, Joe,
whole body!
409
00:15:32,660 --> 00:15:33,920
(Quagmire and Joe yelling)
410
00:15:33,930 --> 00:15:35,530
Come on, go bananas!
411
00:15:35,530 --> 00:15:37,260
Am I doing it?!
Am I doing it?!
412
00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:38,730
(bleep) the matter
with you guys?
413
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:39,830
All right,
let's try something else.
414
00:15:39,830 --> 00:15:43,000
Okay, this is a warm-up exercise
called "One Word Story."
415
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,970
Now, I start a story
with one word
416
00:15:44,970 --> 00:15:48,000
and then you each continue
with one word at a time.
417
00:15:48,010 --> 00:15:49,080
Okay, ready?
Yeah, yeah.
418
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,080
I'm into this now.
Okay.
419
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,050
The.
420
00:15:52,050 --> 00:15:53,080
Dog.
421
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,040
And.
422
00:15:54,050 --> 00:15:55,050
My.
423
00:15:55,050 --> 00:15:56,080
Mom.
424
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,050
And.
425
00:15:57,050 --> 00:15:57,950
This.
426
00:15:57,950 --> 00:15:59,080
Handkerchief.
427
00:15:59,090 --> 00:15:59,990
And.
428
00:15:59,990 --> 00:16:01,690
Twenty.
Birds.
429
00:16:01,690 --> 00:16:02,950
And.
Peter!
430
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:03,960
Geez!
And.
431
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:04,960
Peter, hang on a sec.
432
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,190
You're not
contributing.
433
00:16:06,190 --> 00:16:06,860
I'm doing it.
434
00:16:06,860 --> 00:16:08,090
You're not
adding information.
435
00:16:08,090 --> 00:16:09,660
Well, one of you guys
says "Thanksgiving,"
436
00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:11,160
I got a good idea
where to go with it.
437
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,860
Okay, Peter, let's try
something different.
438
00:16:13,870 --> 00:16:15,310
Okay, close your eyes.
439
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:17,600
What's the first thing
you see?
Uh...
440
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,070
Don't think, just say it.
First thing.
Pelican.
441
00:16:20,070 --> 00:16:21,140
Okay, what's he doing?
442
00:16:21,140 --> 00:16:22,700
He's complaining about
443
00:16:22,710 --> 00:16:23,810
some undercooked food.
444
00:16:23,810 --> 00:16:24,840
Who's he complaining to?
445
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:26,370
A snooty French waiter.
446
00:16:26,380 --> 00:16:28,280
Who's really mean
to his customers.
447
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,780
But then when he goes home,
his own life's sad,
448
00:16:30,780 --> 00:16:32,580
'cause his girlfriend's
mean to him
449
00:16:32,590 --> 00:16:34,330
and his apartment
isn't so very nice.
450
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,990
And he's always
running out of paper towels.
451
00:16:36,990 --> 00:16:40,690
(panting)
452
00:16:40,690 --> 00:16:41,590
I saw it.
453
00:16:41,590 --> 00:16:42,620
I seen it, Quagmire.
454
00:16:42,630 --> 00:16:45,330
I was there, in the apartment.
455
00:16:45,330 --> 00:16:46,760
We're ready.
456
00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:50,540
If these signatures
are correct,
457
00:16:50,540 --> 00:16:53,680
Mayor West is located one-third
of a kilometer that way.
458
00:16:53,670 --> 00:16:54,740
Just over this rise.
459
00:16:54,740 --> 00:16:55,770
Yeah, that's what
you told us
460
00:16:55,780 --> 00:16:57,820
a third of a kilometer ago,
you douche.
461
00:16:57,810 --> 00:16:58,970
Perhaps you'd like
to do something
462
00:16:58,980 --> 00:17:01,710
besides criticizing me
and quoting my movies.
463
00:17:01,710 --> 00:17:05,050
You just
watch your mouth, mister.
464
00:17:06,090 --> 00:17:07,390
Look!
465
00:17:12,930 --> 00:17:14,270
(all gasp)
466
00:17:22,940 --> 00:17:24,710
Anyway,
I'd be happy to help you
467
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:27,100
conduct a search
of Quahog and find--
468
00:17:27,110 --> 00:17:28,180
What the hell?
469
00:17:28,170 --> 00:17:28,700
Where am I?
470
00:17:28,710 --> 00:17:31,910
I didn't just bite into
a York Peppermint Patty, did I?
471
00:17:31,910 --> 00:17:33,140
Mayor West,
you're in Russia.
472
00:17:33,150 --> 00:17:35,020
You've just launched
a nuclear missile
473
00:17:35,010 --> 00:17:36,010
against the United States.
474
00:17:36,020 --> 00:17:38,220
Well, this day
has taken a bad turn.
475
00:17:38,220 --> 00:17:41,180
Like Mike Brady's
first marriage.
476
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:42,960
Here's your
beer, honey.
477
00:17:43,990 --> 00:17:47,720
Huh. I don't remember
asking for a warm beer.
478
00:17:47,730 --> 00:17:49,700
Well, I didn't want
to quit working!
479
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:50,130
You made me!
480
00:17:50,130 --> 00:17:53,190
You don't talk to me
that way!
481
00:17:55,270 --> 00:17:57,400
Alice, what did you see?
482
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:58,930
Enough to know I'm
getting a raise.
483
00:17:58,940 --> 00:18:03,810
(upbeat musical stinger plays
over goofy recorded laughter)
484
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:09,810
What the...?
485
00:18:09,820 --> 00:18:12,320
Oh, man, we're supposed
to do a show tonight.
486
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:13,620
Where's the audience?
487
00:18:13,620 --> 00:18:14,820
I don't see them anywhere.
488
00:18:14,820 --> 00:18:16,280
If only they could
make some noise
489
00:18:16,290 --> 00:18:17,750
to let me know they're here.
490
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:18,900
MAN:
We're here!
491
00:18:18,890 --> 00:18:19,920
Oh, there you are!
492
00:18:19,930 --> 00:18:20,830
(chuckles):
Oh, thank God.
493
00:18:20,830 --> 00:18:22,230
Well, we're
"Room For Improv-ment."
494
00:18:22,230 --> 00:18:24,830
So, without further ado,
I need a place.
495
00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:25,790
MAN:
Your ass!
496
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,160
(chuckles):
Okay, come on now.
497
00:18:27,170 --> 00:18:28,110
Something serious.
498
00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:28,930
MAN:
Your mom's ass!
499
00:18:28,940 --> 00:18:31,110
Hey, let's get that guy
out of here, huh?
500
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:31,830
Okay, a real place.
501
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,300
MAN 2: Goldman's Pharmacy
on Third and Maple.
502
00:18:34,310 --> 00:18:35,610
WOMAN:
Give him the hours.
503
00:18:35,610 --> 00:18:36,400
MAN 2:
8:00 a.m. to...
504
00:18:36,410 --> 00:18:38,410
Okay, I heard "pharmacy."
Who's in the pharmacy?
505
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:39,170
PETER:
John Wayne.
506
00:18:39,180 --> 00:18:41,880
What the-- Peter, you're not
supposed to be in the audience!
507
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:45,010
Get the hell up on stage!
508
00:18:45,020 --> 00:18:45,550
All right.
509
00:18:45,550 --> 00:18:47,280
Hey, there, sir,
welcome to my pharmacy.
510
00:18:47,290 --> 00:18:47,790
Can I help you?
511
00:18:47,790 --> 00:18:49,960
Here's John Wayne at
the first Thanksgiving.
512
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:53,200
(John Wayne voice):
Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
513
00:18:53,190 --> 00:18:55,060
(laughter, applause)
514
00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:55,860
Ah, you like that?
515
00:18:55,860 --> 00:18:59,030
Okay, here's John Wayne Bobbitt
at the first Thanksgiving:
516
00:18:59,030 --> 00:19:02,160
Where's my penis,
pilgrims?
517
00:19:02,170 --> 00:19:03,230
(laughter)
518
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,210
And here's John Wayne Gacy
at the first Thanksgiving.
519
00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:11,020
I want to dress up like a clown
and have sex with children
520
00:19:11,010 --> 00:19:12,810
and kill them, pilgrims.
521
00:19:12,810 --> 00:19:15,140
(laughter, applause)
522
00:19:15,150 --> 00:19:17,180
Guys, I got to split.
523
00:19:17,180 --> 00:19:19,850
I took a wet duke.
524
00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:20,150
And.
525
00:19:20,150 --> 00:19:22,720
Okay, this is not something that
should ever have been attempted.
526
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,920
Thank you very much.
Good night, everybody.
527
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,790
Improv!
528
00:19:40,310 --> 00:19:43,150
I wish there was some way
I could have prevented this.
529
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,340
It wasn't your
fault, Mayor West.
530
00:19:44,340 --> 00:19:45,740
There's nothing
you could've done.
531
00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:48,190
To be honest,
I don't remember a thing.
532
00:19:48,180 --> 00:19:49,210
Except how much I love
533
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:51,420
the Michael Jackson
"Thriller" video.
534
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:54,030
Boy, could that guy dance!
535
00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:55,350
"Guy dance?"
536
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:56,190
Guidance.
537
00:19:56,190 --> 00:19:57,420
Source programmable guidance.
538
00:19:57,420 --> 00:20:00,090
We can reprogram and disarm
the missile from here!
539
00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:01,060
From here?!
Well, our arms
540
00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:02,760
would have to be
40 feet long, Dan.
541
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:03,990
No, yutz, not from
right here.
542
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,340
We go over there
and do it.
543
00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:07,330
Oh, right.
Oh, come on, Chevy.
544
00:20:07,330 --> 00:20:10,030
You should've known
what he was talking about.
545
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,380
All I have to do is bypass
546
00:20:11,370 --> 00:20:13,230
the primary navigational
guidance circuits,
547
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:15,200
deprogram the hardwired
safety overrides
548
00:20:15,210 --> 00:20:17,340
and reconfigure the motherboard
so that the missile's
549
00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:19,870
primary central processing unit
tells itself
550
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,910
to eject its own warhead
while still
551
00:20:21,910 --> 00:20:23,850
safely above
the Earth's atmosphere.
552
00:20:23,850 --> 00:20:25,150
Hey, Dan,
when this is all over,
553
00:20:25,150 --> 00:20:28,380
you may get a call asking you
to evaluate my performance.
554
00:20:28,390 --> 00:20:31,020
Can I count on you
to give me a ten?
555
00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:33,090
And that should do it.
556
00:20:45,170 --> 00:20:46,170
You did it, Dan!
557
00:20:46,170 --> 00:20:47,370
My God, you did it!
558
00:20:47,370 --> 00:20:49,870
(cheering, laughter)
559
00:20:51,210 --> 00:20:52,210
Mission accomplished,
gentlemen.
560
00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:55,080
Warhead has been destroyed,
we've saved millions of lives.
561
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,010
Let's just hope the
fuselage doesn't fall
562
00:20:57,020 --> 00:20:59,290
where it can cause
too much damage.
563
00:21:03,790 --> 00:21:07,160
No, no, no, no, no, no!
564
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,640
I-I don't get it.
565
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:18,870
So what's the
deal with Chris?
566
00:21:18,870 --> 00:21:21,240
Is he actually, like,
still in Africa?
567
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:21,940
No, no, he's not.
568
00:21:21,940 --> 00:21:23,810
So that was all,
that was just a bit.
569
00:21:23,810 --> 00:21:25,140
Yeah, he'll be back
next week.
Great.
570
00:21:25,140 --> 00:21:28,110
Boy, who would've thought all
this trouble could be caused
571
00:21:28,110 --> 00:21:29,040
by simply uttering
the phrase:
572
00:21:29,050 --> 00:21:33,380
"Gosh, that Italian family at
the next table sure is quiet."
573
00:21:39,260 --> 00:21:41,760
(speaking Russian)
574
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,860
MAN (Russian accent):
Shut up, 2476.