♪ It seems today That all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
♪ All the things That make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's a family guy ♪
Hello, tech support?
Yes, my time machine is giving me error code 17.
No, I did not make love to a bear on it. Shh.
But if some bear did have his world rocked on this thing,
would that void the warranty?
Oh, boy. Time machine trouble?
You know there's one time machine that never breaks
and is always ready to take you anywhere, anytime.
A good book.
Ugh, sorry, my dog is very cringe.
I'm Brian Griffin and tonight we'll take my time machine
to three periods in history.
I don't know. I think he's doing, like, court-ordered community service.
Let's start with the story of the French Revolution.
The year was 1789.
King Louis the 16th and his wife, Marie Antoinette,
were throwing Moulin Rouge parties.
Many of which devolved into orgies,
covering the walls with yicky-yicky-ya-ya-ja-ja.
More songs per minute.
Louder songs.
Everyone must get a Baz Luhrmann headache.
Yes, Your Majesty.
God, I love French dancing.
If there's anything hotter than women standing in a line
and kicking their legs up really high, I haven't seen it.
Bad news, King Louis.
- France is in massive debt. - What?
Well, just the music clearances on these Baz Luhrmann sequences alone
are bankrupting the monarchy.
Oh, dear. But our hardworking French laborers
are already working up to four hours per week
with only winter and summer off.
Can nothing be done?
I think we should levy a tax on the peasantry.
No, no taxes.
We could always cancel your VousTube premium account,
and you can just watch regular VousTube with the ads.
Let's do the taxes.
Man, things sure are getting bad here in France.
You said it. I even got laid off from my job
pitchforking loose hay here and moving it to there.
The whole French economy is based on slightly moving loose hay.
Bad news, guys.
- I'm here to collect some taxes. - What?
The King is levying a land tax and a head tax.
A head tax? But that could be thousands.
Also, now there's a salt tax.
But the head tax ends in something for which there'd be a salt tax.
Boo!
I say, Robespierre, there's a lot of unrest brewing here in France.
You're right, Danton.
We should take advantage and foment a revolution.
- For the people. - Oh, yeah, no, for the people.
Yeah, and definitely not for our own personal advancement
to where we go nuts with power and chop off everybody's heads
and eventually even each other's.
Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah. For the... For the people.
Remember that for later, for it is foreshadowing.
I'm Chris Griffin, and I don't only do masturbation stuff.
Citizens of France,
we need a revolution.
That's right. King Louis has destroyed
the French economy.
Also, it'll be another couple hundred years
before the Arab immigrants show up,
but let's start getting angry about that now.
These guys are making a lot of sense.
- We do need a revolution. - Yeah.
I can't wait for the new symbol of France to be a woman with her boob hanging out.
I call dibs on waving a flag on a barricade.
I'm kind of a barricade guy.
The time has come to join our revolutionary club, the Jacobins.
Can I join your Jacobin club? 'Cause I'm just constantly jacobin'.
I mean, at least four or five times a day, you'll find me jacobin'.
I'm Chris Griffin, and I still do some masturbation stuff.
More bad news, Your Majesty.
Paris suffers a bread shortage.
Oh, no. What should we do, Swedish baker?
Let them eat cock!
That's perfect, because France currently has a dangerous surplus of cake.
Marie Antoinette, if you could tell everyone
to get busy eating cake, that would famously help things.
- It won't just piss people off? - Nah. They'll love it.
Down with the King!
And down with Marie Antoinette.
She's not French, she's from Austria.
Austria is our rival.
Who are you people?
We're a mob of unemployed losers, scapegoating a lady.
That's when good things happen.
To be fair, we're mad at all the French nobles,
except that one super cool pointing guy.
So rad.
We, the citizens of France, hereby place the King and Queen under arrest.
Let's put 'em in prison.
Yeah, and I'm taking this magic Beauty and the Beast clock
that comes to life and sings.
It's just a regular clock.
Aw.
- Regular candlestick. - Aw.
Welcome, citizens, to the new revolutionary regime.
That's right. There's gonna be some changes in France.
From now on, every time we say hello to each other,
we will get two little kisses on the cheek.
Little kisses for everyone.
- All right. - Should we show them, Robespierre?
I think they get it. You were pretty clear.
We stand for freedom and equality.
And we can announce this now. It is official.
There will be a season six of Emily in Paris.
So give yourselves a big hand for that.
You did this. Every one of you.
Anyway, freedom and equality and civil rights for every man.
How about rights for women?
Nah, just dudes.
We hereby sentence the King and Queen to death.
Any final words?
- Yeah, and not the cake thing again. - Then, no.
Please destroy the oil paintings under my mattress.
And now for Marie Antoinette.
What? What happened?
Oh, boy.
Marie Antoinette's novelty fake neck
was provided by Jacques's Joke Shop
of South Attleboro, France.
- Gotcha, guys. - Good one, Marie.
Remember, if it ain't hon-hon-hon,
it ain't worth Jacque.
Okay. Brutally kill her now.
Well, that was fun, but before you all go,
we have a few surprise bonus executions today.
The King's gendarme.
That lady who yelled that thing
at the meeting.
J.K. Rowling. 'Cause you know why.
This dude, Josh, who's the first guy
to post a photo of a beach and write "my office for the day".
Oh, and Danton.
What? Oh, you bitch!
I was gonna do this to you.
This is awesome. And the best thing is
that it'll for sure never happen to me.
Uh, I know I wanted to be "head" of state,
but this is-- Oh, my brain's stopping.
I can't believe we did the whole French Revolution,
and not even a single song from Les Mis.
Les Mis is set during the Rebellion of 1832,
not the French revolution of 1789.
Oh, that's stupid.
Damn it, Meg, I told you to stop taking my jog bras.
I haven't.
Well, they're missing. And there's no other explanation.
Look, you both need to stop counting your bras.
It's not important where they went.
Sometimes families have conflicts.
But did you know that at one point in U.S. history,
family members actually went to war with each other?
What? What... What is this?
It's community service. He got arrested for something. What did you do, Brian?
Let's take our next historical journey.
I heard he got caught stealing mobile orders at Starbucks.
Does he look like his name is Rasheed?
Uh, our... Our historical journey to the year 1861.
They're going to remember what Rasheed looks like, Brian.
It was 1861 when America was inaugurating a new president.
I, President Abraham Lincoln, vow that I will have an open mind.
The back of my mind in particular will be very open and exposed.
That's also foreshadowing.
Brian said I could keep helping out.
I'm grateful that you elected me.
And right away, I want to apologize for my mentally ill wife.
What the hell?
My nickname will be honest-about everything- except-that-one-thing Abe.
That or nine-and-a-half-inch Abe.
- You can call me either one. - Yeah, right.
She's loony, guys. Absolutely deranged.
Anyway, I predict that America's got good times ahead.
So long as our map doesn't have a bunch of arrows and explosions.
But America did have a bunch of arrows and explosions,
and narrations by voices like this.
Also slow fiddle music, which I have to play myself,
because we blew our whole music budget on the Moulin Rouge stuff.
I did this on America's Got Talent
and Howie Mandel made wisecracks at my expense.
Anyway, war had come, and 600,000 brave mustaches
would be lost, as brother marched off to fight brother.
Hey, so the uniforms came in the mail, and they sent one of each.
Weird.
Yeah, the gray ones are from Louis Vuitton,
and the blue ones are from TJ Maxx, so...
That's fine. I'll be Union.
Cool. I like the gray because it matches all the dead guys everywhere.
Wish me luck. I'm off to fight the Battle of Bull Run.
So that sucked. Ah, well, the good news is,
I'm staying at Bull Run,
and there's no way there'll be a whole second battle there.
You're not gonna frickin' believe it.
The arrows and explosions are getting closer to D.C.
We're not gonna be able to save the Union.
Maybe instead of fighting to save the Union,
we should be fighting to end the evils of slavery
and ensure freedom for all Americans?
All right, I'm putting you in a home.
This is why I sleep with guys.
I, too, believe the aim of the war
should be to free the slaves and make all Americans equal.
Thank you, Frederick Douglass.
You're right. Black men should be free.
That's what I'm talking about.
And sent up to the front line as soldiers.
- Say what now? - Don't worry.
You're in good hands with General Ulysses S. Grant,
America's most strategically gifted alcoholic.
The... The South keeps looking at me.
I swear to God, if the South looks at me one more time,
- I'm going down there-- - No, no, no, no. Be cool, man.
You think you're better than me, South?
Be cool. Be cool. We got to concentrate
on our most important objective.
Protecting Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.
Isn't Gettysburg just fields and fence posts?
Gettysburg is a cultural and economic metropolis.
Sacrifice every last man, if necessary, to protect Gettysburg, P.A.
But Seward's right. Gettysburg sucks.
If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere.
Gettysburg, everyone must die to save it.
There's literally, like, eight people in the whole town.
We're not gonna argue this further!
I'm late for my cuddle nap with Joshua Speed,
who everyone should go ahead and Google.
- This is fine. - It's fine.
I just can't afford my own mattress is all.
Mattresses cost, like, a billion dollars, 'cause it's olden times.
This conflict keeps dragging on, am I right?
I tell you, you put the Civil War on ABC,
it'll be canceled in 13 weeks.
Now, that Confederate recruit we saw earlier,
he went on to be a stage actor, based in D.C.
So clearly, his career sucked.
But then he booked the Gettysburg cemetery gig.
Finally, the big break for John Wilkes Booth.
Civil War saves 70 slaves.
- Civil War saves 70 slaves. Civil war-- - Excuse me, Mr. Booth?
Ah, yes, that is how I'm listed in the program.
But I was hoping to use my full name,
John Wilkes Booth Romijn Stamos.
- Yeah, well, sorry, but we're bumping you. - What? Why?
President Lincoln just showed up.
He wants to workshop some new material.
Okay, so "Fourscore and seven years ago--"
Wait, wait. What... What's that mean?
A score is 20 years.
So just say 87 years ago.
I like it this way.
You're gonna lose everybody from the first line.
They're all doing math in their heads.
- It's fine. - It's not fine.
You're here to boost morale.
This is like the opposite. You're giving them algebra homework. Here, try this.
"Sorry, I got here late. I couldn't find the Gettysburg address."
Yeah. I don't know.
Oh, come on. It's perfect. Open with a huge joke. Boom, now you got 'em.
Hey, hey, bub.
You can't just go bumping people.
I... I don't know what you're talking about.
Forget him. He's just some butt-hurt actor.
Look, whatever this is about, I'm sorry.
I respect actors.
- How about you give me a headshot? - Foreshadowing.
Now let's have a big hand for Abe Lincoln.
Thanks, Bob.
Now, I understand Mary Todd's here today, 'cause we all know
Lincoln doesn't go anywhere without his beard.
Oh, Bob.
Finally, in 1865, the southern capital of Richmond fell.
War is over, Grant. You've got to go to Appomattox and meet the Southern leader.
- You know the guy? - General Lee.
All right, do some research on him first.
Oh, I know the guy backwards and forwards. General Lee.
Right. But I need you to know him specifically.
I do know him specifically, General Lee.
- I... Look, you know the guy? - Yep.
- You know him generally? - Yep.
You got to know him more than generally.
Know who more than General Lee?
The Southern leader. The guy you know generally.
That's right. I do know him, very well. General Lee.
- I... That's the problem. - What's the problem?
You say you know him generally.
- I do. - I need you to be an expert on the guy.
- I am an expert on him. - Are you just--
I'm friends with the guy. We fought in the Mexican War together.
I studied his every move.
There is no one on the planet who knows him better than I do.
Okay, just to be sure, you are an expert on the Southern leader.
Completely. Totally.
Absolutely. General Lee.
But--
In our nation, it was a difficult time politically.
But a simpler time, comedically.
The fighting was done, and no more would Americans
wage civil war until 2028, probably.
But this story ends on a theater balcony
with Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln.
Hey, how about you just go by Mary Lincoln, huh?
But Todd is my family name.
I... I keep it to honor my heritage.
Demented. Somebody call the man with the big net.
That's the latest in mental health technology.
Lincoln was dead, and Booth would shout the motto
that has become etched in history.
Did I do that?
Lincoln's assassination was filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, did you guys notice that the final Dilbert
is just Dilbert checking people's genitals outside the ladies' restroom?
Office stuff.
Ah, Peter's enjoying a joke.
Well, here's a joke for you.
Six million Jews, gypsies, communists
and intellectuals are loaded onto a train car.
Only this joke actually happened.
How is that a joke?
He's doing his community service.
He attacked one of them grocery robots or something.
The year is 1939, and war has come to Europe.
Well, the arrows and explosions are back.
Also, I'm back, on account of I've been getting a lot better
on the fiddle since the last time.
Not bad, right?
You'd be surprised how much fiddle you can learn on YouTube.
Hey, play Mumford and Sons.
I'm not playing that [bleep].
Pretty soon, the Brits were forced to seek cover in their subway system.
What they call "the Tube".
Eating French fries. Of course, they call them chips.
Truck is a lorry.
Let's see. What else?
Weird little country.
Hello, Franklin?
President Roosevelt, can you hear me?
Churchill, how's things in England? Good?
No, it's awful. We're getting bombed by the Nazis over here.
They're blitzkrieging through Europe. They took Paris.
Oh, no, not Paris!
Please tell me the pointing guy is okay.
I love that guy.
Yeah, can you help us out, Franklin?
Uh, you caught me at a bad time, Churchill.
It's me and Eleanor's date night.
Eleanor, where are you going?
Me and the girls are gonna go play lacrosse,
and then just jab our thumbs wherever.
That Eleanor sure loves hanging out with her lady pals.
FDR may not help us.
And I heard Russia is signing a pact with Hitler.
So, as my top general, I need you to go to Moscow,
find their leader and figure out how to prevent this.
Don't worry, sir, I will. And I'll stop Stalin.
Great. I'm glad you're not delaying your departure,
but do you have a plan for when you get there?
- Absolutely, sir. To stop Stalin. - And what is it?
- How is that a plan? - I thought you wanted me to stop Stalin.
Of course, I want you to stop stallin'.
This is a grave and important matter.
- So, then we do agree on the plan. - Which is?
- To stop Stalin. - But--
Comedically, World War II was also a simpler time.
Turns out, America's efforts to stay out of the fracas came to naught
once the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.
"December 7th, 1941,
"a date that I probably knew was coming but allowed to happen."
I mean, "A date which will live in infamy, the United States of--"
Girls, you don't know anything about power tools.
- You're totally wrong. - What?
- What's going on? - It's your wife and her friends.
They're arguing over power tool brands again.
- Dewalt. - Ryobi.
Girls and their construction equipment, huh?
Eleanor, could you ladies please keep it down while I'm doing radio to America?
This is fine.
- It's fine. - Lots of First Ladies have their gal pals
move into the White House with them, which I did for real.
- Super normal. - Ryobi.
Gentlemen, we're here to plan an amphibious assault on Normandy.
Stay on target.
Almost there.
Stay on target.
Private Ryan, you've switched off your targeting computer.
What's wrong?
Use The Force, Matt Damon.
Cut it out, guys. This is important.
- Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, first question. - Yeah?
Is there toilets inside of tanks?
I mean, there has to be, right?
They're not gonna stop the war just to let a guy take a crap.
I think they just go right in the barrel
and then the next shot is like a poopy shot.
Can we please focus?
We're focusing. We are laser focused on planning for... "Diday".
I think we're calling it "D-Day".
Oh, okay, see? I'm already learning stuff.
The enemy has landed at Omaha Beach and is pressing east.
The allied tank assault through Italy
is hitting us with tons and tons of poopy shots.
And now the Soviet forces
are advancing on Munich.
Oh, noo!
It's okay.
We'll be fine once Naval Captain Georg von Trapp,
from the landlocked territory of Austria, reports for duty.
My Fuhrer, von Trapp...
Captain von Trapp and his family escaped to Switzerland
because some nuns messed with a jeep.
Everyone who believes we can still have a decent
Third Reich Talent Show without the Family von Trapp,
I wish to speak to you privately.
How could you let this happen?
When the von Trapps sang "So Long, Farewell",
they were clearly saying so long to the Nazi guys!
How could you miss the subtext?
My Fuhrer,
we still have the third-prize winner,
Fraulein Schweiger--
Oh, the lady who keeps bowing again and again?
It was a funny bit, mein Fuhrer--
It was one bit!
Sure, it's amusing,
but you can't build a whole show on that!
It'll get old!
It already did get old!
Look at how annoyed Max was by the end of it!
I don't get these references.
Maybe watch less TikTok and more "Sound of Music", you idiot.
FDR beat the Germans,
but he wouldn't live to see victory in the Pacific.
For that, the torch was passed to Harry Truman.
Listen, Harry. Hirohito wants to surrender.
It's time to go make peace with Japan.
Got it. Go to Japan and nuke Hiroshima.
No, no, no, no. They're ready to surrender.
- You need to make peace with Japan. - Okay.
Good. Now repeat it back to me.
Okay, I nuke the city of Hiroshima in Japan.
No, Japan wants to surrender!
Make peace with Japan.
Right. And nuke Hiroshima.
No, no, no, no!
And et cetera.
Due to wartime rationing,
we've had to keep reusing our Pat Tillman bit from 2007.
Thanks for doing your part to make sure all the fresh new jokes are safe
for our troops overseas.
Eventually, Japan did surrender.
Don't worry too much about why. The war was over.
At last, America can celebrate with lots of non-consensual kissing.
Don't worry. Your husband will never find out.
Lunch with the girls, huh? Susan, probably?
Well, that does it for today's history adventure.
I hope you have a new appreciation for the joys, follies,
and heartaches that comprise our shared human story.
Also, you might receive an email from the Quahog County Courthouse
confirming that I provided volunteer educational services.
If you could just go ahead and click the link and fill out
the short web form, I'd really appreciate it.
So, turns out you can legally buy Jenna Ortega
as many new bed sheets as you want,
you just can't deliver them in person.
So we all learned something this week.
Sleep tight, Jenna.