1
00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:02,211
[♪ theme music playing]
2
00:00:02,294 --> 00:00:04,922
♪ It seems today
That all you see ♪
3
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,091
♪ Is violence in movies
And sex on TV ♪
4
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,678
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
5
00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:14,806
[all]
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
6
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:18,143
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
7
00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:21,563
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
8
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,148
♪ All the things
That make us ♪
9
00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:24,858
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
10
00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:30,113
[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪
11
00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:34,034
{\an8}[♪ whimsical music playing]
12
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,747
{\an8}Wait a minute.
This isn't the Patriots game.
13
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:41,208
{\an8}Peter, I told you
we're going to church today
14
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,835
{\an8}because we're being honored
for our charity work.
15
00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:44,962
{\an8}What charity work?
16
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,172
{\an8}Remember that day
I dragged you all here
17
00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:49,675
{\an8}so we could make eight
sandwiches for the homeless?
18
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:53,345
{\an8}Well, they're giving us
a paper certificate in front of everybody.
19
00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:56,348
{\an8}I hope the priest
who plays basketball is here today.
20
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,186
{\an8}[grunts]
21
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,021
{\an8}You made me put
on a suit for this?
22
00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:04,523
{\an8}This thing is way too tight.
23
00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:07,609
{\an8}I've been telling you to buy
a new suit for 20 years.
24
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:10,237
{\an8}And we're dressed up because
this is a big deal for me.
25
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,447
{\an8}But that
maybe-teenager-maybe-man
26
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:14,449
{\an8}is wearing
his Undertaker sweatshirt.
27
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,829
{\an8}Aw, and he gets
to do iPad time?
28
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:20,747
{\an8}[grunts]
29
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:21,957
{\an8}Stop squirming.
30
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,251
{\an8}Can you be a normal husband
for one day?
31
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:25,377
{\an8}[groans]
32
00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:26,628
{\an8}Before we begin,
33
00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:30,549
{\an8}I would like to honor one family's
outstanding service to the community.
34
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,175
{\an8}[Stewie]
It's not the basketball one.
35
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:34,970
{\an8}Please put your hands together
for the winners
36
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:38,599
{\an8}of the third annual Jesus
Christ Memorial Award,
37
00:01:38,682 --> 00:01:39,891
{\an8}the Griffins.
38
00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:40,976
{\an8}[gasps]
39
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,438
{\an8}I do apologize,
40
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:48,567
{\an8}our printer ran out of ink,
so this is just a blank piece of paper.
41
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:53,405
{\an8}We would also be delighted
if you'd take the first communion.
42
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:57,617
[Mayor Wild West] But Peter's suit pants
had been pushed so far to the edge
43
00:01:57,701 --> 00:02:00,704
that one measly wafer
was more than they could take.
44
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,581
- [gulps]
- [ripping]
45
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:04,207
- [gasps]
- Peter!
46
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,293
{\an8}- [all gasp]
- What a buffoon!
47
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:07,586
{\an8}She married him?
48
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:10,464
{\an8}Next week, we won't be here
because we're going to Virginia Beach.
49
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:11,673
{\an8}It's not that bad.
50
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:15,761
{\an8}Let he who has not split
his pants in church, cast the first stone.
51
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,471
{\an8}Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop! Okay!
52
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:20,515
{\an8}[groaning]
53
00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:25,395
[Stewie squeals]
54
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,064
Hey, Stewie. What's going on?
55
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:31,568
Brian, I've just received an invitation to
the toddler social event of the season.
56
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,446
{\an8}- Wow. What is it?
- It's a nighttime costume party.
57
00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:38,533
And it starts at 5:30.
"Uber strongly encouraged."
58
00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:40,619
I'd better reserve mine now.
59
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:43,288
- [cell phone chimes]
- Oh, boy.
60
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,791
{\an8}[♪ whimsical music playing]
61
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:51,213
Wait a minute.
This isn't the Patriots game.
62
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,173
Look, we are shopping
for new pants.
63
00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:56,218
I can't believe you showed
the entire church your bare ass.
64
00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:59,388
Well, I'm just glad
everything is back to normal.
65
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:02,182
No, it isn't. You didn't
even change your pants.
66
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,559
I mean, look at you.
You're a mess.
67
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:05,727
You are lucky we're married
68
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:08,313
{\an8}because no other woman
would ever find you attractive.
69
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:09,564
{\an8}Oh, yeah?
70
00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,024
{\an8}Hi, Peter Griffin.
71
00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:13,193
{\an8}You may recognize me
from a certain piece
72
00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:16,488
{\an8}of Rhode Island legislation
called Griffin's Law.
73
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:19,700
{\an8}You can't use the bathroom in a steakhouse
unless you order something.
74
00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:22,244
[chuckles awkwardly]
75
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:25,122
Oh, God, Peter,
you are embarrassing yourself.
76
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,250
You're an overweight, middle-aged man
who just had to have a priest
77
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:30,919
tape his ass shut in front
of all our friends and family.
78
00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:34,881
Do you know how unusual it is
for a priest to tape one of those shut?
79
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:37,884
[♪ whimsical music playing]
80
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:40,971
How was the party?
81
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,098
All right, I want to tell you,
but before I do,
82
00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:46,059
do you know the maids' parts
from "I Could Have Danced All Night"?
83
00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:47,561
- No.
- All right. Well, the point is
84
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:49,521
I could have danced all night.
85
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:51,857
Well, I'm glad you had fun.
Let's get you to bed.
86
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,401
Huh.
Something feels different.
87
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,528
Do you... Do you have
a little bald spot?
88
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:59,614
What? No! It's time for bed,
Stewie, come on.
89
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,533
- No.
- What did you say?
90
00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:05,120
I said no.
You go to bed, you short, bald bitch.
91
00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:08,123
[♪ whimsical music playing]
92
00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:11,042
I can't believe Lois
thinks I'm unattractive.
93
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,961
Do all women see me this way?
94
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,297
You know, if you really want
to test your desirability,
95
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,549
you should set up a profile
on a dating app.
96
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:20,594
You know, like Stumble
or Pair of Plegics.
97
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,221
You're right! I'll just marry
a second woman!
98
00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:25,599
No, Peter, you won't actually
meet up with anybody.
99
00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:28,518
You just get on the app to see
if women match with you.
100
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,188
Then you have proof
that you're attractive.
101
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,856
Joe, you're a genius.
102
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:37,068
Peter, as a married man,
surely you shouldn't join a dating app.
103
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:39,362
I'm sorry, guys,
but I have to do this.
104
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,032
When you die, you don't think about
how much money you had.
105
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,451
You think about
how many matches you got.
106
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:46,745
Chris, come closer.
107
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:50,457
One of my matches
was a Latina.
108
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,375
You've said that
several times now.
109
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,169
She was from the Caribbean.
110
00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:55,462
That's even better.
111
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,214
It's okay for you to go now.
112
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,341
Big, fat ass.
113
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:01,718
Does anyone have a pillow?
114
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:06,723
[♪ whimsical music playing]
115
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,934
All right,
my profile is all set up.
116
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:11,436
Now the matches roll in.
117
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,231
"Proud owner of new pants."
118
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:18,860
And your only photo is of you arguing over
your bill at the Ponderosa Steakhouse?
119
00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:20,111
Who took this?
120
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,823
There were a lot of people
with their phones out. It got loud.
121
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:25,909
"I once saw Steven Tyler
at the airport."
122
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,994
I guess
that's interesting-adjacent.
123
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:31,081
- Steven Tyler? What terminal?
- Qantas.
124
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,333
Huh, no kidding. Qantas?
125
00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:36,461
Geez, Peter, you're sitting on
the Rolls-Royce of anecdotes.
126
00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:37,796
Peter,
this isn't gonna cut it.
127
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:41,716
You need to present a perfectly curated
profile, and we're gonna help you.
128
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,093
Wow. Thanks, guys.
129
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,303
Now, let's go take some photos
that suggest you have
130
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:47,764
literally any hobbies
besides drinking.
131
00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:53,270
Hey, listen, do you think I could tell
that Steven Tyler story like it's my own?
132
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,604
It'd really help me out.
133
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:55,897
Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
134
00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:58,942
{\an8}And right there
in the middle of the Qantas terminal,
135
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,944
is Mr. Rag Doll himself,
136
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:02,153
Steven Tyler.
137
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:04,030
Wow, what an amazing sighting!
138
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,074
Can I tell that story
like it's my own?
139
00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:07,158
No.
140
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:09,661
[♪ whimsical music playing]
141
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:12,622
Hey, Brian. Wait.
142
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,167
We literally look
like Schwarzenegger and DeVito in Twins.
143
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:18,587
Oh, my God,
this is everything!
144
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:21,256
[laughs]
145
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,842
Oh, God. Life is funny, man.
146
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:25,302
All right, get out of my seat.
147
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,305
So, whoever is the tallest
just gets to do whatever they want?
148
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,974
I mean, I didn't say it,
but it sounds like a good system.
149
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:33,059
Okay, if that's
how you want it.
150
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:35,020
[gasps] Whaa... You said that
151
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,688
knowing you were taller
than me.
152
00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:39,107
Yeah.
Who's a short, bald bitch now?
153
00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:40,984
You bastard! How'd you do it?
154
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,737
[chuckles] Gardening clogs.
155
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,196
Why is funny?
156
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,033
The joke is
he wears normal shoes?
157
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:49,743
I don't get it either.
158
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:52,537
Now let's cut your bangs
in the back of your hair
159
00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:56,750
in a very normal way
while I sing the Dutch national anthem.
160
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,294
♪ Windmills
blowing in the wind ♪
161
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:02,547
♪ And tulips and chocolate
are also good ♪
162
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,132
Peter,
if you're gonna have a profile
163
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:05,759
that can compete
with the best of 'em,
164
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,595
first, we need something
to show that you're politically active.
165
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,097
Yeah, but these days
you can't risk isolating anybody.
166
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:14,267
You need to make a strong
yet vague political statement.
167
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:15,769
Here, take this sign.
168
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:17,270
"We Are Us"?
169
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:19,648
What does that mean?
Kinda just sounds like nothing.
170
00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:22,025
You think we aren't us?
171
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,777
I... I... I guess not.
172
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,321
You'll also want
to wrap yourself in this American flag.
173
00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:27,822
Are those question marks?
174
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:31,076
Look who's asking
the right questions.
175
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:34,287
[inhales] All right, now just kneel down
in front of this fire station
176
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:37,957
so the whole thing
seems vaguely related to law enforcement.
177
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:45,340
Next, we want to show women
that you're easygoing and outdoorsy.
178
00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:47,926
Let's get a picture of you
holding this surfboard.
179
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:50,970
Now let's get one
in just my swim trunks.
180
00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:53,556
I'll simply take off
this damp wet suit.
181
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:12,867
[grunting]
182
00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:15,120
Can you guys help me?
183
00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:19,124
Sorry, Peter.
Our hands are covered in beach taco aioli.
184
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:26,214
[grunting]
185
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,260
Outdoorsy.
186
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,762
[♪ whimsical music playing]
187
00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,978
- Oh, hey, Chris.
- Are you Slender Man?
188
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,021
What? No, it's me, Stewie.
189
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:45,150
I think I'll go kill
some people in the woods just in case.
190
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,902
Seems like he was going
to do that regardless.
191
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:50,822
Hey, Brian, I have
something to show you!
192
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,949
Oh, good.
I was just looking for y...
193
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,368
- Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon?
- Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon.
194
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,579
Yeah, they get real cheap
after Presidents' Day.
195
00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:00,957
Well, I'm off to go
establish myself as the town tall guy.
196
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,127
Yeah, right.
More like... more like town small fry.
197
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:07,505
Oof.
Major short king energy, Bri.
198
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,176
Hey, how you doing?
Beautiful day for it.
199
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:13,303
- Hey!
- Ah, crap.
200
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,471
[grunts]
201
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,973
Ha! How's the weather
down there, pipsqueak?
202
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,184
[grunts]
I don't know, Bruno Mars.
203
00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:21,478
How is it not being allowed
on roller coasters
204
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,647
and putting out
album after album of undeniable hits?
205
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,149
[both grunting]
206
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,653
Time out. Time out.
I can't breathe.
207
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,280
[panting]
208
00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:34,824
Hey, boys. Out for a run?
209
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:38,286
Oh, hey. Yeah.
We're just putting these bad boys to use.
210
00:09:38,369 --> 00:09:39,954
We're all about being active.
211
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,623
That's so awesome!
212
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:43,374
I'm Sydney and this is Odette.
213
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:45,293
You know,
as runway fashion models,
214
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,504
it's hard to find men
who are tall enough for us.
215
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:51,132
Is it just me, or is every guy these days
a short, bald bitch?
216
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:53,593
No way. We were literally
just saying that.
217
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:56,012
Hey, you guys should
come out with us tonight.
218
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:59,015
We're going to a club that's free
for us to get into but $45 for you.
219
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,309
- Oh, word?
- Here's our Instagram handles.
220
00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:03,937
We both do sponsored posts
but have few enough followers
221
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,980
that it's confusing
why anyone is paying us.
222
00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:07,232
See you later.
223
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,192
Brian, do you know
what this means?
224
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,860
- We get to dance!
- We get to have sex!
225
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,238
Oh, yeah, and... and...
and sex with models.
226
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:14,447
So dope.
227
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:17,450
[♪ whimsical music playing]
228
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,702
I launched a profile
with the pictures we took
229
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,204
and I ain't gotten
a single match.
230
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:22,747
And I've been
messaging everyone.
231
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,208
Just to reiterate,
you are married.
232
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,043
You're right. I can't give up.
233
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,503
Maybe the app
just isn't working.
234
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,630
Quagmire,
try sending me a test message.
235
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:32,882
[cell phone chimes]
236
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,009
[cell phone chimes]
237
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,889
Ah, Peter, it's me!
And the message just said "test".
238
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:43,518
There's not a single woman on here
who's even slightly interested in me.
239
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:44,894
Maybe Lois was right.
240
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,896
I am completely undesirable.
241
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,106
She doesn't want me.
242
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,315
She doesn't want me.
243
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:50,692
She doesn't want me.
244
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,902
Wait, wait. Wait a minute.
Back up to that last one.
245
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,238
[♪ dramatic music playing]
246
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:58,324
[gasps] Lois has a profile
on a dating app?
247
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:01,244
Oh, my God, I have a profile
on a dating app?
248
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,163
Oh, boy, Peter,
I think all those concussions
249
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,789
over the years
are starting to add up.
250
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:06,207
Let me take you
to the blue tent.
251
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:09,502
[announcer 1] And Peter
is now being helped over to the blue tent.
252
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:12,297
That is not something
that anyone wants to see.
253
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,757
[announcer 2] Yeah,
Peter's had his bell rung a few times.
254
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,552
At this point,
you think someone would step in.
255
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:20,722
[announcer 1] And now it looks as if
Peter has farted inside the blue tent
256
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:24,017
and they're gonna let it air out
before continuing the evaluation.
257
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,394
[announcer 2] I think
we're looking at a fart joke, Jim.
258
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:29,647
[announcer 1] Oh, boy. Looks like
they're taking Peter's pants away.
259
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,900
This might be it
for Peter for the night.
260
00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:34,444
[announcer 2] Sounds like
he misjudged that fart joke.
261
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:37,197
Oh, and they're putting
the pants on the cart.
262
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,823
They're driving him
out of here.
263
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,492
[announcer 1] Oh, that's great.
You always like to see that.
264
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:47,165
[♪ tense music playing]
265
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,751
I can't believe Lois
is on a dating app.
266
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,085
I don't know what to do, guys.
267
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:54,047
Well, why don't you just talk
to her honestly about it?
268
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,382
You know what, Cleveland?
This might be funny to you,
269
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,009
but I have
a real problem here.
270
00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,677
Well, you can't
confront Lois directly,
271
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,096
or else she'll know you have
a profile on the app too.
272
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:05,433
Why don't you tell Lois
that Quagmire saw her on the app.
273
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,393
Eh, sorry, Joe,
but Lois would know
274
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:08,895
that I have
an under 30 filter.
275
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:09,979
Kinda unrealistic.
276
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,315
Well, then it seems I'll just
have to go convince her
277
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,151
to out herself
in my own subtle manner.
278
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,654
[♪ whimsical music playing]
279
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:23,451
And where have you been?
280
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:24,911
I was at the grocery store.
281
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:27,622
How did you make it dark
in here at 3:00 pm?
282
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:31,709
Did you come home
with any dates or eggplants?
283
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:33,461
Look, if you are craving
Lebanese food,
284
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:36,005
you have to to let me know
before I go to the store.
285
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,508
Let me ask you this,
when you're going number two,
286
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,551
which way do you swipe?
287
00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:42,387
Uh, back to front?
288
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,722
Oh, boy. Well, then we have
two problems.
289
00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,432
What's gotten into you lately?
290
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,726
That's exactly what I want
to know about you!
291
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,020
Yo, we doing Lebanese tonight?
292
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,564
[inhales sharply]
I could high-key wreck some baba ghanoush.
293
00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:56,192
Ugh. Go back to your room.
You're done for the day.
294
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,277
Deuces!
295
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,281
[♪ upbeat club music playing]
296
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:05,910
Stewie, this is a dance club.
297
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,453
We can't dance
on these things.
298
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:10,873
Relax, Brian. Just stand in place
and dance with your hands.
299
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:17,171
So, am I the tallest guy
you've ever dated?
300
00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:19,590
No, I used to date Shaq.
301
00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:21,134
Oh, cool. Cool.
302
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:25,054
Y... You may not be impressed
with what I'm working with.
303
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,557
You know you can't wear
underwear with this dress.
304
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,767
Oh, no,
did you keep the receipt?
305
00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,311
[♪ whimsical music playing]
306
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,189
Oh, my God, that was amazing.
307
00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:37,984
I'm so glad you just
came alive again after that Narcan.
308
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,610
'Cause you were like,
"Ooh, I'm dead."
309
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,696
And then you were like,
"Ah! I'm okay. Let's go!"
310
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,407
I mean, if anything,
you were more fun after the Narcan.
311
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,492
Aw, you're so sweet.
312
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,494
We had such a good time
with you guys tonight.
313
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:54,792
We were wondering if you'd want to meet up
again tomorrow and have some real fun.
314
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,669
Yeah, yeah,
we... we could be down.
315
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:57,837
Cool!
316
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:02,008
Stewie, this is amazing.
Those girls want to have sex!
317
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:05,678
Oh, hell, yeah!
I'm gonna have sex like a real grown up.
318
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:07,055
I can picture it now.
319
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,557
What's in your sex briefcase?
320
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,684
Oh, all kinds
of grown up sex stuff.
321
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:14,228
[briefcase lock rattling]
322
00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:17,148
I am so sorry.
This never happens.
323
00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:20,151
[♪ whimsical music playing]
324
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,945
I gave Lois the perfect chance
to come clean about cheating,
325
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,322
and she didn't
tell me anything.
326
00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:26,657
Which is why I'm resorting
to Plan B.
327
00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:30,078
Make a fake profile
and see if she responds to it.
328
00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:33,664
{\an8}Derek Bandana?
Peter, who is this?
329
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:35,625
It's Chris's hot
school bus driver.
330
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,502
I gave him 20 bucks
to pose for pictures,
331
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:40,463
and based on his reaction,
I probably could have gone a lot lower.
332
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:43,633
"Rogan, bourbon, gym, repeat"?
333
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,843
He gets drunk
and then works out?
334
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,720
All we gotta do now is play
the waiting game
335
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,222
until Lois takes the bait.
336
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,849
- [cell phone chimes]
- Oh, she swiped right.
337
00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:53,768
- What do I do?
- Ask her to dinner.
338
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,646
If she says yes, then you know
she's cheating and you can divorce her
339
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,774
so she can get remarried to whichever one
of your friends she wants.
340
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,027
[cell phone beeps]
341
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,947
Oh, my God!
Lois is cheating on me!
342
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:09,158
Damn! Mom will open it up
for anybody.
343
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,661
Meg, we said you're done.
Get out of Quagmire's house.
344
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,789
Deuces! New catchphrase.
345
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:18,793
[♪ whimsical music playing]
346
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:20,461
Are you sure
we're in the right place?
347
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:21,963
This is the address
they told me.
348
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:24,382
A little public for my taste,
but I can make do.
349
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:25,925
Let me just pay
the sun bleached,
350
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,678
scratched out parking meter
that I can't see at all.
351
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,429
{\an8}What? I can't...
352
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,600
All right, we're either good
for two hours or we're gonna get towed.
353
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:39,897
Hi, boys. Before we have some real fun,
we like to work up a sweat.
354
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:44,735
And since we know you two are so active,
we want you to do our Beach Olympics.
355
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:50,408
Hey, if this is the Olympics, call me
Usain Bolt because Jamaican me crazy.
356
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:51,492
Okay!
357
00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:53,161
Brian, I don't know if this is
a good idea.
358
00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:55,288
Why don't we just take off
the stilts and go home?
359
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,374
Are you kidding me? I don't want to
go back to being a short, bald bitch.
360
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,877
I'm about to get laid
by a runway model.
361
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,171
Right. Right.
Being tall, getting laid.
362
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,805
[pants]
363
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,265
Was it good for you too?
364
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:17,018
Is everything okay?
365
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:20,396
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
A-okay over here. Let's do this thing.
366
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,607
Are you sure you don't
want to change?
367
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:26,861
No, I only ever exercise in a black wool
duster and pleated gabardine pants.
368
00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,404
Awesome! Follow us.
369
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:31,866
[♪ dramatic music playing]
370
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:36,537
[both panting]
371
00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:39,207
[Sydney] Whoo! Come on, boys!
372
00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:40,499
Just race to us!
373
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:43,461
And then we'll head to the beach house
to unwind in the hot tub.
374
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:45,671
It's not our house,
but anything that belongs
375
00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:49,175
to rich horny guys also
technically belongs to us!
376
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:50,718
I don't think
I can do this anymore.
377
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,303
Stewie,
you have to push through.
378
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,263
Do you know how good
hot tub sex is?
379
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:57,225
I gotta tell you something
I've never told anyone before.
380
00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:00,228
I don't think I know
what sex is.
381
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:02,313
Well, screw it.
I'm going, with or without you.
382
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:05,024
I guess that makes me
the tall guy.
383
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,108
You son of a--
384
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,860
- [Sydney] Whoo!
- [Odette] Love it!
385
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,528
[both cheering]
386
00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:11,781
[child yelps]
387
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:18,329
[panting]
388
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:21,916
[both cheering]
389
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:25,586
[both panting]
390
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:29,257
[grunts, yells]
391
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,801
- [Stewie yelling]
- [Odette] Keep going!
392
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,178
- Yeah!
- [cheers]
393
00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:36,847
[yelling]
394
00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:37,974
Come on, boys!
395
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,475
Whoo-hoo!
396
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:40,935
Whoo-hoo!
397
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:51,612
[gasping]
398
00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:56,325
So, this whole time
you were just a baby and a dog on stilts?
399
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:59,203
You're not also a baby
and a dog on stilts, are you?
400
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:01,163
No, we are not.
401
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:03,583
Then I guess we are done here.
402
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,294
Stewie, I'm really sorry.
403
00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:09,422
No, no, I get it.
You wanted to have sex with those girls.
404
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:10,715
Hell, I did too.
405
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,259
It wasn't just that.
Seeing you taller than me
406
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:16,012
made me realize
that I'll always be this height.
407
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,431
But soon I'm gonna have
to watch you grow up.
408
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:22,393
I guess I was just worried
you'd outgrow me as a friend too.
409
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,312
Oh, you just don't want
to be the short one.
410
00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:25,605
Well, who does?
411
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:27,231
Oh, Brian, don't worry.
412
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,358
You'll always be
my best friend.
413
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,239
Check it out. Looks like
our dates have already moved on.
414
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,494
Yeah, we could never compete
with those muscle guys.
415
00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:42,997
[♪ upbeat music playing]
416
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:48,753
All right,
time to catch Lois red handed.
417
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,424
Well, well, well.
418
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:56,177
I bet you weren't expecting
to see me here.
419
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:59,388
Peter, I knew
you were Derek Bandana the whole time.
420
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,890
What? How?
421
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:03,893
You think I wouldn't
recognize Chris's bus driver?
422
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,646
Also, I could see
your reflection in his sunglasses,
423
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:09,065
and Chris is behind him
in the photo.
424
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,775
And I am behind Chris.
425
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:12,943
Okay, you might have known
I was Derek Bandana,
426
00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:15,780
but that doesn't explain
why you're sleeping with guys on that app.
427
00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:18,741
Oh, Peter,
that's not why I'm on there.
428
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:20,868
I've never swiped on anyone.
429
00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:24,664
It's just... It's nice
to get attention from men.
430
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:27,792
I'd never act on it,
but it helps my self-esteem.
431
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,002
After all, I'm not getting
any younger,
432
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:33,798
and sometimes I start to wonder
how desirable I still am.
433
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:36,676
That's exactly
why I made a profile too!
434
00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:39,970
I was feeling so lousy
after our conversation at the pants store
435
00:19:40,054 --> 00:19:43,057
that I got on the app
to try to prove that women like me.
436
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,059
Oh, Peter, I'm sorry.
437
00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:47,478
I never should have said
those things to you.
438
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,647
And I'm sorry for spending
thousands of dollars
439
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:52,692
on your credit card to boost
my dating app profile.
440
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:56,987
You know, maybe we should just complement
each other once in a while, huh?
441
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:58,614
I don't know,
that feels like a lot.
442
00:19:58,698 --> 00:19:59,907
What do you say?
443
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:02,368
Delete our apps
on the count of three?
444
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:05,371
- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.
445
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:06,455
[cell phone chimes]
446
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:09,875
Damn it, Peter!
447
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,210
"Yes, I'm up."
448
00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:17,258
[♪ whimsical music playing]
449
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:19,468
Thanks for helping me
with the dating app, guys.
450
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:22,513
But Lois and I made up
and everything's back to normal.
451
00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:24,140
- Glad to hear it.
- You got it.
452
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,850
You guys are never
gonna believe this.
453
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,269
Steven Tyler
is in the bathroom.
454
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,605
Joe, stealing my Steven Tyler
airport story is one thing,
455
00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:32,732
but this is just pathetic.
456
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:33,816
I'm serious!
457
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:35,776
We're trying to have
a conversation here, man.
458
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,027
[sighs]
459
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:42,241
Sorry, Steven.
They didn't want to come say hi.
460
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:44,785
[man] For the last time,
I'm not Steven Tyler.
461
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:47,830
And you really shouldn't be
looking under the stall doors like that.
462
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,874
Going incognito, I like it.
463
00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:54,420
Hey, what was it like when that firework
blasted your cornea off in '77?
464
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,590
[man] Man, I... I don't know.
Probably bad.
465
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,425
No kidding.
466
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:02,845
Steven Tyler
in my handicap stall.
467
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:05,639
[closing theme music playing]