♪ It seems today That all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
♪ All the things That make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
♪ He's a family guy! ♪
Wait a minute. This isn't the Patriots game.
Peter, I told you we're going to church today
because we're being honored for our charity work.
What charity work?
Remember that day I dragged you all here
so we could make eight sandwiches for the homeless?
Well, they're giving us a paper certificate in front of everybody.
I hope the priest who plays basketball is here today.
You made me put on a suit for this?
This thing is way too tight.
I've been telling you to buy a new suit for 20 years.
And we're dressed up because this is a big deal for me.
But that maybe-teenager-maybe-man
is wearing his Undertaker sweatshirt.
Aw, and he gets to do iPad time?
Stop squirming.
Can you be a normal husband for one day?
Before we begin,
I would like to honor one family's outstanding service to the community.
It's not the basketball one.
Please put your hands together for the winners
of the third annual Jesus Christ Memorial Award,
the Griffins.
I do apologize,
our printer ran out of ink, so this is just a blank piece of paper.
We would also be delighted if you'd take the first communion.
But Peter's suit pants had been pushed so far to the edge
that one measly wafer was more than they could take.
Peter!
What a buffoon!
She married him?
Next week, we won't be here because we're going to Virginia Beach.
It's not that bad.
Let he who has not split his pants in church, cast the first stone.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop! Okay!
Hey, Stewie. What's going on?
Brian, I've just received an invitation to the toddler social event of the season.
- Wow. What is it? - It's a nighttime costume party.
And it starts at 5:30. "Uber strongly encouraged."
I'd better reserve mine now.
Oh, boy.
Wait a minute. This isn't the Patriots game.
Look, we are shopping for new pants.
I can't believe you showed the entire church your bare ass.
Well, I'm just glad everything is back to normal.
No, it isn't. You didn't even change your pants.
I mean, look at you. You're a mess.
You are lucky we're married
because no other woman would ever find you attractive.
Oh, yeah?
Hi, Peter Griffin.
You may recognize me from a certain piece
of Rhode Island legislation called Griffin's Law.
You can't use the bathroom in a steakhouse unless you order something.
Oh, God, Peter, you are embarrassing yourself.
You're an overweight, middle-aged man who just had to have a priest
tape his ass shut in front of all our friends and family.
Do you know how unusual it is for a priest to tape one of those shut?
How was the party?
All right, I want to tell you, but before I do,
do you know the maids' parts from "I Could Have Danced All Night"?
- No. - All right. Well, the point is
I could have danced all night.
Well, I'm glad you had fun. Let's get you to bed.
Huh. Something feels different.
Do you... Do you have a little bald spot?
What? No! It's time for bed, Stewie, come on.
- No. - What did you say?
I said no. You go to bed, you short, bald bitch.
I can't believe Lois thinks I'm unattractive.
Do all women see me this way?
You know, if you really want to test your desirability,
you should set up a profile on a dating app.
You know, like Stumble or Pair of Plegics.
You're right! I'll just marry a second woman!
No, Peter, you won't actually meet up with anybody.
You just get on the app to see if women match with you.
Then you have proof that you're attractive.
Joe, you're a genius.
Peter, as a married man, surely you shouldn't join a dating app.
I'm sorry, guys, but I have to do this.
When you die, you don't think about how much money you had.
You think about how many matches you got.
Chris, come closer.
One of my matches was a Latina.
You've said that several times now.
She was from the Caribbean.
That's even better.
It's okay for you to go now.
Big, fat ass.
Does anyone have a pillow?
All right, my profile is all set up.
Now the matches roll in.
"Proud owner of new pants."
And your only photo is of you arguing over your bill at the Ponderosa Steakhouse?
Who took this?
There were a lot of people with their phones out. It got loud.
"I once saw Steven Tyler at the airport."
I guess that's interesting-adjacent.
- Steven Tyler? What terminal? - Qantas.
Huh, no kidding. Qantas?
Geez, Peter, you're sitting on the Rolls-Royce of anecdotes.
Peter, this isn't gonna cut it.
You need to present a perfectly curated profile, and we're gonna help you.
Wow. Thanks, guys.
Now, let's go take some photos that suggest you have
literally any hobbies besides drinking.
Hey, listen, do you think I could tell that Steven Tyler story like it's my own?
It'd really help me out.
Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
And right there in the middle of the Qantas terminal,
is Mr. Rag Doll himself,
Steven Tyler.
Wow, what an amazing sighting!
Can I tell that story like it's my own?
No.
Hey, Brian. Wait.
We literally look like Schwarzenegger and DeVito in Twins.
Oh, my God, this is everything!
Oh, God. Life is funny, man.
All right, get out of my seat.
So, whoever is the tallest just gets to do whatever they want?
I mean, I didn't say it, but it sounds like a good system.
Okay, if that's how you want it.
Whaa... You said that
knowing you were taller than me.
Yeah. Who's a short, bald bitch now?
You bastard! How'd you do it?
Gardening clogs.
Why is funny?
The joke is he wears normal shoes?
I don't get it either.
Now let's cut your bangs in the back of your hair
in a very normal way while I sing the Dutch national anthem.
♪ Windmills blowing in the wind ♪
♪ And tulips and chocolate are also good ♪
Peter, if you're gonna have a profile
that can compete with the best of 'em,
first, we need something to show that you're politically active.
Yeah, but these days you can't risk isolating anybody.
You need to make a strong yet vague political statement.
Here, take this sign.
"We Are Us"?
What does that mean? Kinda just sounds like nothing.
You think we aren't us?
I... I... I guess not.
You'll also want to wrap yourself in this American flag.
Are those question marks?
Look who's asking the right questions.
All right, now just kneel down in front of this fire station
so the whole thing seems vaguely related to law enforcement.
Next, we want to show women that you're easygoing and outdoorsy.
Let's get a picture of you holding this surfboard.
Now let's get one in just my swim trunks.
I'll simply take off this damp wet suit.
Can you guys help me?
Sorry, Peter. Our hands are covered in beach taco aioli.
Outdoorsy.
- Oh, hey, Chris. - Are you Slender Man?
What? No, it's me, Stewie.
I think I'll go kill some people in the woods just in case.
Seems like he was going to do that regardless.
Hey, Brian, I have something to show you!
Oh, good. I was just looking for y...
- Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon? - Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon.
Yeah, they get real cheap after Presidents' Day.
Well, I'm off to go establish myself as the town tall guy.
Yeah, right. More like... more like town small fry.
Oof. Major short king energy, Bri.
Hey, how you doing? Beautiful day for it.
- Hey! - Ah, crap.
Ha! How's the weather down there, pipsqueak?
I don't know, Bruno Mars.
How is it not being allowed on roller coasters
and putting out album after album of undeniable hits?
Time out. Time out. I can't breathe.
Hey, boys. Out for a run?
Oh, hey. Yeah. We're just putting these bad boys to use.
We're all about being active.
That's so awesome!
I'm Sydney and this is Odette.
You know, as runway fashion models,
it's hard to find men who are tall enough for us.
Is it just me, or is every guy these days a short, bald bitch?
No way. We were literally just saying that.
Hey, you guys should come out with us tonight.
We're going to a club that's free for us to get into but $45 for you.
- Oh, word? - Here's our Instagram handles.
We both do sponsored posts but have few enough followers
that it's confusing why anyone is paying us.
See you later.
Brian, do you know what this means?
- We get to dance! - We get to have sex!
Oh, yeah, and... and... and sex with models.
So dope.
I launched a profile with the pictures we took
and I ain't gotten a single match.
And I've been messaging everyone.
Just to reiterate, you are married.
You're right. I can't give up.
Maybe the app just isn't working.
Quagmire, try sending me a test message.
Ah, Peter, it's me! And the message just said "test".
There's not a single woman on here who's even slightly interested in me.
Maybe Lois was right.
I am completely undesirable.
She doesn't want me.
Wait, wait. Wait a minute. Back up to that last one.
Lois has a profile on a dating app?
Oh, my God, I have a profile on a dating app?
Oh, boy, Peter, I think all those concussions
over the years are starting to add up.
Let me take you to the blue tent.
And Peter is now being helped over to the blue tent.
That is not something that anyone wants to see.
Yeah, Peter's had his bell rung a few times.
At this point, you think someone would step in.
And now it looks as if Peter has farted inside the blue tent
and they're gonna let it air out before continuing the evaluation.
I think we're looking at a fart joke, Jim.
Oh, boy. Looks like they're taking Peter's pants away.
This might be it for Peter for the night.
Sounds like he misjudged that fart joke.
Oh, and they're putting the pants on the cart.
They're driving him out of here.
Oh, that's great. You always like to see that.
I can't believe Lois is on a dating app.
I don't know what to do, guys.
Well, why don't you just talk to her honestly about it?
You know what, Cleveland? This might be funny to you,
but I have a real problem here.
Well, you can't confront Lois directly,
or else she'll know you have a profile on the app too.
Why don't you tell Lois that Quagmire saw her on the app.
Eh, sorry, Joe, but Lois would know
that I have an under 30 filter.
Kinda unrealistic.
Well, then it seems I'll just have to go convince her
to out herself in my own subtle manner.
And where have you been?
I was at the grocery store.
How did you make it dark in here at 3:00 pm?
Did you come home with any dates or eggplants?
Look, if you are craving Lebanese food,
you have to to let me know before I go to the store.
Let me ask you this, when you're going number two,
which way do you swipe?
Uh, back to front?
Oh, boy. Well, then we have two problems.
What's gotten into you lately?
That's exactly what I want to know about you!
Yo, we doing Lebanese tonight?
I could high-key wreck some baba ghanoush.
Ugh. Go back to your room. You're done for the day.
Deuces!
Stewie, this is a dance club.
We can't dance on these things.
Relax, Brian. Just stand in place and dance with your hands.
So, am I the tallest guy you've ever dated?
No, I used to date Shaq.
Oh, cool. Cool.
Y... You may not be impressed with what I'm working with.
You know you can't wear underwear with this dress.
Oh, no, did you keep the receipt?
Oh, my God, that was amazing.
I'm so glad you just came alive again after that Narcan.
'Cause you were like, "Ooh, I'm dead."
And then you were like, "Ah! I'm okay. Let's go!"
I mean, if anything, you were more fun after the Narcan.
Aw, you're so sweet.
We had such a good time with you guys tonight.
We were wondering if you'd want to meet up again tomorrow and have some real fun.
Yeah, yeah, we... we could be down.
Cool!
Stewie, this is amazing. Those girls want to have sex!
Oh, hell, yeah! I'm gonna have sex like a real grown up.
I can picture it now.
What's in your sex briefcase?
Oh, all kinds of grown up sex stuff.
I am so sorry. This never happens.
I gave Lois the perfect chance to come clean about cheating,
and she didn't tell me anything.
Which is why I'm resorting to Plan B.
Make a fake profile and see if she responds to it.
Derek Bandana? Peter, who is this?
It's Chris's hot school bus driver.
I gave him 20 bucks to pose for pictures,
and based on his reaction, I probably could have gone a lot lower.
"Rogan, bourbon, gym, repeat"?
He gets drunk and then works out?
All we gotta do now is play the waiting game
until Lois takes the bait.
Oh, she swiped right.
- What do I do? - Ask her to dinner.
If she says yes, then you know she's cheating and you can divorce her
so she can get remarried to whichever one of your friends she wants.
Oh, my God! Lois is cheating on me!
Damn! Mom will open it up for anybody.
Meg, we said you're done. Get out of Quagmire's house.
Deuces! New catchphrase.
Are you sure we're in the right place?
This is the address they told me.
A little public for my taste, but I can make do.
Let me just pay the sun bleached,
scratched out parking meter that I can't see at all.
What? I can't...
All right, we're either good for two hours or we're gonna get towed.
Hi, boys. Before we have some real fun, we like to work up a sweat.
And since we know you two are so active, we want you to do our Beach Olympics.
Hey, if this is the Olympics, call me Usain Bolt because Jamaican me crazy.
Okay!
Brian, I don't know if this is a good idea.
Why don't we just take off the stilts and go home?
Are you kidding me? I don't want to go back to being a short, bald bitch.
I'm about to get laid by a runway model.
Right. Right. Being tall, getting laid.
Was it good for you too?
Is everything okay?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A-okay over here. Let's do this thing.
Are you sure you don't want to change?
No, I only ever exercise in a black wool duster and pleated gabardine pants.
Awesome! Follow us.
Whoo! Come on, boys!
Just race to us!
And then we'll head to the beach house to unwind in the hot tub.
It's not our house, but anything that belongs
to rich horny guys also technically belongs to us!
I don't think I can do this anymore.
Stewie, you have to push through.
Do you know how good hot tub sex is?
I gotta tell you something I've never told anyone before.
I don't think I know what sex is.
Well, screw it. I'm going, with or without you.
I guess that makes me the tall guy.
You son of a--
- Whoo! - Love it!
Keep going!
Yeah!
Come on, boys!
Whoo-hoo!
So, this whole time you were just a baby and a dog on stilts?
You're not also a baby and a dog on stilts, are you?
No, we are not.
Then I guess we are done here.
Stewie, I'm really sorry.
No, no, I get it. You wanted to have sex with those girls.
Hell, I did too.
It wasn't just that. Seeing you taller than me
made me realize that I'll always be this height.
But soon I'm gonna have to watch you grow up.
I guess I was just worried you'd outgrow me as a friend too.
Oh, you just don't want to be the short one.
Well, who does?
Oh, Brian, don't worry.
You'll always be my best friend.
Check it out. Looks like our dates have already moved on.
Yeah, we could never compete with those muscle guys.
All right, time to catch Lois red handed.
Well, well, well.
I bet you weren't expecting to see me here.
Peter, I knew you were Derek Bandana the whole time.
What? How?
You think I wouldn't recognize Chris's bus driver?
Also, I could see your reflection in his sunglasses,
and Chris is behind him in the photo.
And I am behind Chris.
Okay, you might have known I was Derek Bandana,
but that doesn't explain why you're sleeping with guys on that app.
Oh, Peter, that's not why I'm on there.
I've never swiped on anyone.
It's just... It's nice to get attention from men.
I'd never act on it, but it helps my self-esteem.
After all, I'm not getting any younger,
and sometimes I start to wonder how desirable I still am.
That's exactly why I made a profile too!
I was feeling so lousy after our conversation at the pants store
that I got on the app to try to prove that women like me.
Oh, Peter, I'm sorry.
I never should have said those things to you.
And I'm sorry for spending thousands of dollars
on your credit card to boost my dating app profile.
You know, maybe we should just complement each other once in a while, huh?
I don't know, that feels like a lot.
What do you say?
Delete our apps on the count of three?
- One, two, three. - One, two, three.
Damn it, Peter!
"Yes, I'm up."
Thanks for helping me with the dating app, guys.
But Lois and I made up and everything's back to normal.
- Glad to hear it. - You got it.
You guys are never gonna believe this.
Steven Tyler is in the bathroom.
Joe, stealing my Steven Tyler airport story is one thing,
but this is just pathetic.
I'm serious!
We're trying to have a conversation here, man.
Sorry, Steven. They didn't want to come say hi.
For the last time, I'm not Steven Tyler.
And you really shouldn't be looking under the stall doors like that.
Going incognito, I like it.
Hey, what was it like when that firework blasted your cornea off in '77?
Man, I... I don't know. Probably bad.
No kidding.
Steven Tyler in my handicap stall.