1 00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:04,838 ♪ It seems today That all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,091 ♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,762 ♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,348 [all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:17,893 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:21,480 ♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,148 ♪ All the things That make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:24,650 ♪ Laugh and cry! ♪ 9 00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:30,030 [all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪ 10 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,749 You see this crap about Ron DeSantis? 11 00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:43,919 He's sending a bus full of migrants from Florida up to Quahog. 12 00:00:44,002 --> 00:00:45,170 And I don't like it. 13 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:48,966 Immigrants are trying to take jobs away from hardworking Americans like me. 14 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,677 You faked Covid five times this month. 15 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,638 Huh. They're having a rally tomorrow to welcome them here. 16 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,224 I'm gonna go down there and see what's really going on. 17 00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,810 Have fun with the other unemployed, bleeding hearts. 18 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:02,646 Peter, are you gonna do the dishes you said you'd do? 19 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:05,232 Ugh! Can't we get an immigrant for that already? 20 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,489 Where do you think you're going? 21 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,533 Boar's Head is unveiling a new cold cut, 22 00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:16,118 and me and the guys won tickets. 23 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,704 So far, they've only released a silhouette of the meat. 24 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:19,913 I threw $100 on bison. 25 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,873 -Never know. -Peter, We have dinner 26 00:01:21,957 --> 00:01:23,584 with Crystal and Clay tonight. 27 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,669 We talked about this yesterday. 28 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:28,505 Lois, was yesterday a hard alcohol day? 29 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,007 [sighs] Yes. 30 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:34,094 And do I typically remember things you say to me when I drink hard alcohol? 31 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:36,388 -No. -Then why... 32 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:38,890 I forget. I had hard alcohol today. 33 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:45,856 How do we even know these people? 34 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,065 No idea. 35 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,817 I have rescheduled this so many times, 36 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,527 I can't remember who they are. 37 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:54,114 -Lois. -Hey, you guys. Ha. 38 00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:56,199 You know, I just want to get this out of the way. 39 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:58,827 I am completely blanking on how we met. 40 00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,037 Oh! Thank God. 41 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,204 Me, too! 42 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:02,497 But it doesn't matter. 43 00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:03,665 We're here now. 44 00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:07,294 You weren't the one who got in a fistfight in my yoga class, were you? 45 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,005 [chuckles nervously] No, it wasn't me. 46 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,424 I'm sure whoever it was had her reasons. 47 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,885 Like maybe that bitch shouldn't have run her bitch mouth. 48 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,178 I don't know. I wasn't there. 49 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,638 Hey, Peter, I'm Clay. 50 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,182 Listen, I don't want to sound like a fanboy, 51 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:22,434 but did I hear you work at Pawtucket Pat? 52 00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:23,518 Yeah. Why? 53 00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,395 That's maybe, like, the coolest job 54 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,189 I've ever heard of anyone having. 55 00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:29,900 -It... It is? -Dude! Yes! 56 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,027 You gotta tell me what it's like to work there. 57 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:35,405 Lois. This guy is legit like a rock star to me. 58 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:38,241 See, Lois, I told you I ain't just some bum. 59 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:40,535 You don't like football by any chance, do you, Peter? 60 00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:43,163 [gasps] Lois, I'm gonna be over here with Clay. 61 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,956 Well, look who came around. 62 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,875 Maybe we should all hang out more often. 63 00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:49,753 I'm in. We're always in the market for some cool friends. 64 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,881 Oh, us, too. Remember those weirdos we hung out with last week? 65 00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:57,302 You know, honey, you could at least make a guess. 66 00:02:57,386 --> 00:03:00,972 I don't make a guess until you give me credit card info. 67 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:04,226 Maybe let's not talk about the arrangement in front of friends, okay? 68 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,110 -What do we want? -[in Spanish] No hablo ingles. 69 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,737 -When do we want it? -[in Spanish] No hablo ingles. 70 00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:19,700 Hi, there. This is gonna sound like I'm just here for the food, 71 00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:22,244 but the Instagram post said there'd be food. 72 00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:24,579 Oh, I'm sorry. We just ran out. 73 00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,790 That's fine. I'm Brian, dog guy. 74 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:29,960 Hello, Brian, the dog guy. I'm Carmen. 75 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,211 Nice to meet you. 76 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:33,380 You know, immigrants are kind of like dogs to me. 77 00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,424 -Excuse me. -Oh, no, no, I wasn't... 78 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:38,218 I mean, we're separated from our families, put in cages, 79 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:41,012 and all you can do is hope there's a group of nice people somewhere 80 00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:44,266 -willing to share their home with you. -I see what you mean. 81 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:46,226 -So where are you from? -I'm from Cuba. 82 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,354 Oh, nice. You guys got elephants and stuff, right? 83 00:03:49,438 --> 00:03:51,314 I think you're thinking of Africa. 84 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,817 No, I think, uh... Pretty sure. 85 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:54,943 Yeah, whatever. 86 00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:58,655 Listen, I'm volunteering today, so I have to go help out. 87 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:00,240 Look, I don't normally do this. 88 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:02,784 But is there any chance we could go out sometime? 89 00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,161 I'm so sorry. 90 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,789 You seem great, but I just agreed to go out with that guy. 91 00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:11,209 [man grunts] 92 00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:13,003 Actually, never mind. I'm free. 93 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,964 If you want, I'm going to the Havana Club tonight at six. 94 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:18,383 -You should come. -Okay, I'll be there. 95 00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:19,968 Thanks. 96 00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:22,012 [sighs] America at work. 97 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,222 Immigrants, liberals, conservatives, 98 00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:27,684 and the one guy with absolutely no idea what's going on here today. 99 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,312 What's going on here? Some kind of festival? 100 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,272 [♪ chorus singing] 101 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,608 I stay out of politics. 102 00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:40,113 [♪ upbeat salsa music playing] 103 00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:47,996 Hey, there you are. 104 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:51,541 -Oh, you made it! -Allowed to smoke in here, huh? 105 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,376 Gosh, you really look incredible. 106 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:54,711 Oh, thank you. 107 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,380 I got here early so we could be in the horn section. 108 00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,591 S-Sorry, you said "in the horn section"? 109 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:00,884 [blaring] 110 00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,552 Is it too loud for you? 111 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:05,472 I know dogs have very sensitive hearing. 112 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,974 No, no, this is-- this is great. 113 00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:09,726 Do you like for horns to be louder? 114 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,603 No, no, no. That's, that's okay. 115 00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:13,271 You like for horns to be louder. 116 00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:14,606 [deafening] 117 00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:21,279 They played this at my mother's funeral. 118 00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:25,951 Man, you really missed out on the Boar's Head event, Peter. 119 00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:27,661 Joe even got some chick's number. 120 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:31,998 Hospice nurse. I, uh, I gotta have a talk with you guys at some point. 121 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,250 Why'd you bail, Peter? 122 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,627 Lois had a dinner scheduled with another couple. 123 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:38,046 That's so lame. I hate that stuff. 124 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:40,465 You know what? I just said that to sound cool. 125 00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:42,634 I enjoy meeting new people. 126 00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:45,303 I usually hate it, too. But these guys were fun. 127 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:47,389 -Clay and Crystal something. -[gasps] 128 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:48,890 -Oh, boy. -What? 129 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:51,351 -Crystal and Clay Duffy? -Yeah. So what? 130 00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:55,021 Peter, those guys... How do I say this? 131 00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:58,733 ...engage in inter-relationship coitus on the reg. 132 00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,443 -Huh? -They're swingers, 133 00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:01,653 like the biggest in town. 134 00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:03,488 -They try with everyone. -Big time! 135 00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:05,365 They tried that with me and Bon. 136 00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,117 I stayed out in the car. 137 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,120 Bon went in for a few hours to talk to them about it. 138 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,080 That never happened again, 139 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:15,333 uh... except for a couple weeks later... 140 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,712 [sighs despondently] One other time, I guess. 141 00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:23,717 Hey, how was the date? 142 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,011 The date was awesome, but that Cuban place 143 00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:28,513 was so loud and there was cigar smoke everywhere. 144 00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:31,391 I feel like I'm getting a migraine or something. I just... 145 00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:33,977 [Stewie] Brian! 146 00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:36,313 Brian! Oh, thank God. 147 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,648 -Are you okay? -[in Cuban accent] Yeah, I'm good man. 148 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,984 Just, uh... Just give it a little space, okay? 149 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,068 -What? -What? 150 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,778 You got diaper cream in your ears? 151 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,405 I said back up, baby. 152 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:47,282 Why are you talking like Scarface? 153 00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:50,160 I... I don't know, man. I just opened my mouth, 154 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,287 and this is the voice that comes out, you know? 155 00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:55,332 And when I open my mouth, blood comes out. 156 00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,543 Okay. Again, Chris, that's not funny. 157 00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,128 What Brian's doing is funny. 158 00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:03,548 When we pass on an idea, you really need to move on. 159 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:10,138 [stomach grumbles] 160 00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:12,015 I'm starting to get a little hungry. 161 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,934 Do you think you could get, like, an English muffin or something? 162 00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,729 I really like the nooks and crannies, man. 163 00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,147 So, what do you think, doc? 164 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,149 How come I wake up sounding like this? 165 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:23,735 Well, it's unusual, but this is a very real thing. 166 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,363 Google it. It's called Foreign Accent Syndrome. 167 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,491 It's usually brought on by some kind of trauma to the brain. 168 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,868 I'm guessing that migraine scrambled you all up. 169 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:34,829 So this is like an actual disorder? 170 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:36,373 Yeah, I saw it on 60 Minutes. 171 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:39,417 They had on this English lady that woke up sounding Chinese. 172 00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:42,003 But everyone gets all pissed if I do it. 173 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,713 You know, I wonder if you sound that way 174 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:46,299 because you were around all those Cuban people at the club. 175 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:49,469 Oye, Stewie! Carmen says she's gonna come by the hospital. 176 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:51,137 She can't hear me sound like this. 177 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,306 She's gonna think I'm making fun of her. 178 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:55,100 All right, Just relax. Maybe we can-- 179 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,060 Brian, how are you doing? 180 00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:58,520 I came as soon as I heard. 181 00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:01,731 -[Brian grunts] -Sorry. He's not talking yet. 182 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,150 Aww! My poor little guy. 183 00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:05,777 You don't need to say a word. 184 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,779 You just relax. 185 00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,364 -Doctor. -[exasperated] What? 186 00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:13,368 Do you think it's worth checking him for, like, a stroke or brain cancer? 187 00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:16,079 Come on, man. It's 4:45. 188 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:22,585 So you'll never guess what the guys had to say about Clay and Crystal. 189 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,754 Apparently, they're like major swingers. 190 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:28,425 What? [laughs] No, that's ridiculous. 191 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,094 Seriously, all three of them said they tried stuff with them. 192 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,387 Well, now this is weird. 193 00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,723 We're seeing them again tomorrow night. 194 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:36,766 I mean, do we cancel? 195 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,226 I don't think so. 196 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,728 We had fun with them. 197 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:42,605 Who cares what they do in their private lives? 198 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,941 But what do we do if they try something with us? 199 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,235 Well, obviously, we say no. 200 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:48,611 Obviously, that's not us. 201 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,488 No, we'd never do anything like that. 202 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:52,282 We don't have to. What we have is great. 203 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,783 The best. [chuckles] 204 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,952 I mean, would it be nice to be asked? 205 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,120 -Sure. -Sure. Right. 206 00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:59,956 It'd be nice to know we're at least in the pool of consideration. 207 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,458 It'd be great to be in the pool. 208 00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:06,046 I think I'm going to get a facial tomorrow. 209 00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:08,631 Not because of this, but because I need one. 210 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,467 Totally. And I gotta buy deodorant. 211 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,761 Not because of this, but because mine's all the way 212 00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:15,138 down to the plastic. Thing's like a cheese grater. 213 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:20,393 You've got a lot of nice things in this room. 214 00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:21,644 Purple octopus. 215 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:24,773 I ain't never had no purple octopus. Time machine. 216 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:27,233 Hey, what, you gonna impact the past or something, man? 217 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:29,486 Disrupt the space-time continuum? 218 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,654 All right, stop just riffing on things you see. 219 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,656 Now, if you're going to continue seeing Carmen, 220 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,784 we've got to try and get your speaking voice back. 221 00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:37,619 Try to repeat exactly what I say. 222 00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,954 "It's really nice to see you again, Carmen." 223 00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,623 It's nice to be here with you, baby. 224 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,667 You're gonna get humped like you wouldn't believe tonight. 225 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,127 Okay, not quite there. 226 00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,505 "So, Carmen, do you have any pets?" 227 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,549 I seen a mouse this one time. Thing was crazy, bro. 228 00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:54,761 Running all around with a little tail moving side to side. 229 00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:56,721 I thought that thing was gonna bite me, man. 230 00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:59,099 Can you guys keep it down in here? 231 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:02,060 -Sorry. We were just trying to-- -I don't need to know why. 232 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,645 I just need you to shut up. 233 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,772 Hey, that's your flesh and blood, man. 234 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:08,358 -You don't talk to him like that. -I'm sorry. 235 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:11,778 Next time I hear you talk that way, I'm gonna kick you so hard, 236 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,114 your big ass gonna land in Saskatchewan. 237 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:18,868 Mom! Brian said I have a big ass in a Scarface voice. 238 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:25,750 Well, that was yet another fantastic evening with you two. 239 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,503 Totally. Always love a little time with the Griffs. 240 00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,588 So, um, what, uh... 241 00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:32,966 What now? Do we keep her going? 242 00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:36,469 Yeah. What's the, uh... What's the old game plan-a-rino? 243 00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:40,390 Oh! You know, I think I'm done for the night. 244 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,476 Oh, come on! It's only nine o'clock. 245 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:47,272 I mean, I'm up for a little fun. Oh! [chuckles nervously] 246 00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,816 Next time. I'm a little zonked, too. 247 00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,484 Great to see you again, Peter. 248 00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,444 Oh, no, I think we've leveled up to hugs. 249 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:54,612 Get in here, you. 250 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,698 [chuckles nervously] Okay. 251 00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:58,533 We'll see you guys again soon. 252 00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,371 Swingers, my ass. 253 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:05,331 Maybe they're just not into us. 254 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:08,376 Uh, no. If anything, it's us that's not into them. 255 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:11,921 Yeah, they'd be lucky to get us, but we're not that type of people. 256 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,006 Ew! No! 257 00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,216 Ew, like what even is that life? 258 00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,426 Sad is what it is. 259 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,219 Doing it in weird places. 260 00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,722 Just having sex with every couple they meet. 261 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,558 Well, every couple except us. 262 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:24,851 Except us. 263 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,312 Why not us? 264 00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,274 -Where are you going? -They left their cornbread. 265 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:33,151 Hopefully they didn't clear the table yet. 266 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,652 Hold that door, please. 267 00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:38,990 Just try not to talk too much. 268 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:41,492 You're gonna get us beat up with that accent you're doing. 269 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:42,869 It's so weird, man. 270 00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:45,622 In my mind, it sounds like I'm just talking regular 271 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:49,167 and outside, I end up sounding like some kind of big banana head. 272 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:52,670 -Hot chocolate for Brain. -You say "Brain?" 273 00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,215 Do you know anyone named "Brain?" 274 00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:59,552 It's Brian! As in Dennehy, Cranston and Cox. 275 00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:00,970 I'm sorry, sir. 276 00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:04,599 That guy's got matcha powder in his ears or something. 277 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:06,601 A lot of stuff in people's ears today. 278 00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:08,811 [cell phone ringing] 279 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:10,813 Oh, crap, man. It's Carmen. 280 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,440 I keep avoiding her calls. 281 00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:14,943 I don't want her to think I'm mocking her, you know. 282 00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:18,196 Brian, you have to answer. She's going to think you're not into her anymore. 283 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,240 [in high-pitched voice] Hello? Brian's phone. 284 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,158 This is Miss Penny Apple, Brian's assistant. 285 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,243 We dated for a little while, 286 00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:25,995 but we disclosed it to HR, so it was all aboveboard. 287 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:29,249 [grunts] Anyway, I ended it after he got physical. 288 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:31,209 Oh, that sounds lovely. 289 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:32,919 He'll be there. Bye, dear. 290 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,462 -Well? -[in normal voice] Her cousin's 291 00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:37,590 getting married Saturday, and she wants to bring you as her date. 292 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:40,051 What? Her whole family is going to think 293 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,761 I'm making fun of their accents. 294 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,388 There's no way I can go. 295 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,348 She said Jenna Ortega is going to be there. 296 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,476 Buenas noches! 297 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:50,103 [announcer] We'll be back with more... 298 00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:52,063 [announcer reading] 299 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:53,648 ...after this. 300 00:12:58,820 --> 00:12:59,821 So what you think? 301 00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,198 How am I gonna go to this wedding sounding like this? 302 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:05,660 Yeah, we sure don't want a repeat of what you did to Cleveland yesterday. 303 00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:08,997 Hey, mailman! 304 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:15,420 No more putting the paper in the little slot in my house, eh? 305 00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:19,132 The sound wakes me up from my doggy naps. 306 00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:27,890 No, no, no, no, no, no! 307 00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:31,728 I'm not even the courier for your postal route. 308 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,187 That's Laverne! 309 00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,860 Those people are absolute weirdos. 310 00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:40,611 They call themselves swingers. 311 00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:43,531 Two whole dinners and not even an elbow brush on the boob. 312 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:44,657 Not that we would even 313 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,451 -do anything anyway. -Of course not. 314 00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:49,912 I mean, not that any of this matters because we're normal people. 315 00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,165 That being said, it would be nice to be asked. 316 00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:54,625 It would be nice to be freaking asked. 317 00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,669 Maybe they're waiting for a third night with us. 318 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:58,713 -What do you mean? -Well, in the dating world, 319 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:01,340 three dates usually mean sex is on the table. 320 00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:03,176 Oh, I see. 321 00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:06,012 So, this is all just part of the dance, huh? 322 00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:07,221 They're trying to see 323 00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:09,891 -if we're actually into them. -Which we're not. 324 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:11,476 -No. -It's got to be that. 325 00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:12,852 All right, I'm texting them. 326 00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:15,188 Now? Won't that look desperate? 327 00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:17,982 Desperate? They're the ones trying to swing with us. 328 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,484 To which we'll promptly say no. 329 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,402 Moment it happens, without hesitation, 330 00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:23,112 -we shut it down. -Shut it down. 331 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,572 -[message tone plays] -We're in. 332 00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:27,533 -Dinner at their house tomorrow night. -Oh, at their house? 333 00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:30,119 Could they be any more obvious about it? 334 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,330 Yeah. Be a little artful about it, guys. 335 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:37,293 So, first time I'm seeing that. 336 00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:38,836 I can't say I like it. 337 00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:44,842 I can't believe you got me in this mess, man. 338 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,844 I got, like, butterflies in my stomach. 339 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:49,472 I can feel 'em all flapping around, you know? 340 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:50,890 You have nothing to worry about. 341 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:52,975 I've developed an AI voice modulator 342 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,645 to match your natural speaking voice. Here, put this on. 343 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,189 -You think this thing's gonna work, man? -[modulator beeps] 344 00:14:58,272 --> 00:15:00,274 [in normal voice] I don't want to upset Carmen. 345 00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:01,526 Oh, hey, wow! It's me again. 346 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:03,027 -Testing. One, two, three. -[beeps] 347 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,655 [in Cuban accent] I will break your freaking head open, man. 348 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,573 -[beeps] -[in normal voice] Testing, 1, 2, 3. 349 00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:09,408 Great. It works. And I'll be in your ear 350 00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:11,244 the whole time in case anything goes wrong. 351 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,787 -So don't worry. -[modulator beeps] 352 00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,372 It is nice to see you again, Carmen. 353 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:15,957 I am enjoying your company tonight. 354 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,500 Olive Garden Summer Nights are back. 355 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,710 [in Cuban accent] Hey, wait! What the hell was that? 356 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:21,963 Oh, yeah, the software has ads sometimes. 357 00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:23,673 Ads? What do you mean, ads? 358 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,009 They want 13 bucks a month now for premium. Deal with it. 359 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,598 -[all laughing] -Brian. There you are. 360 00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:34,517 I'd like you to meet my mother and father. 361 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,727 [Stewie, over earpiece] Play it cool. You got this? 362 00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,521 It's nice to meet you, Brian. 363 00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,189 Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Perez. 364 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,150 What a beautiful night for a wedding. 365 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,735 Carmen tells me you are a writer. 366 00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:48,239 I enjoy putting pen to paper and allowing my heart to do the rest. 367 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:51,325 If you or someone you love has been injured in a work accident, 368 00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:54,162 it's time to call Feinstein and Forlizzi, PC. 369 00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:58,082 Thank you, Brian. I will keep this, uh, Feinstein in mind. 370 00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,835 -Don't forget Forlizzi. -[all laugh] 371 00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,712 [Stewie] See? I told you it would work. 372 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,005 Thanks. I appreciate it. 373 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,591 Ugh! The Postmates guy forgot the ketchup. 374 00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:08,509 Hey, buddy, I think you forgot the ketchup. 375 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:11,095 [man] Oh, I'm sorry, man. I gotta go pick up my kid from camp. 376 00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:13,181 [Stewie] Tell him he's gonna be there for a bit. 377 00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:15,224 It's your job. I don't know what to tell you. 378 00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,062 [doorbell dings] 379 00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:24,358 Did you take a Harry Potter patch off that blazer before you put it on? 380 00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:27,403 Yeah. Only thing is, they're not gonna know I'm a Ravenclaw. 381 00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:28,905 That should be fine. Right? 382 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,448 Hey, good to see you. 383 00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:32,742 We felt bad about how things ended the other night, 384 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,785 so thought we could have a do over. 385 00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:36,454 I'm a Ravenclaw, by the way. 386 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:38,289 You guys look nice. 387 00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:40,124 You didn't have to get all dressed up. 388 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:41,918 This is a sweat suit from Target. 389 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,629 A very sexy sweat suit, I might add. 390 00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,255 Wow, Great house. 391 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,965 Are these the original hardwoods? 392 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,967 I'm a huge hardwood guy, 393 00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:51,385 you know what I mean, Crystal? 394 00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:55,056 Oh, this is a big comfy couch. [laughs coyly] 395 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:57,725 What do you say we I don't know, hang out, 396 00:16:57,808 --> 00:17:00,937 put on some Natalie Imbrog... Imbrug... 397 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,939 The chick who sings "Torn." 398 00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:06,108 Uh, yeah. Yeah. Maybe. 399 00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:08,778 Warm tonight, isn't it? 400 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:11,447 Guys, what's going on here? You're acting really weird. 401 00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:14,075 What? Aren't you guys swingers? 402 00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:17,245 We like to have fun, yeah, but we don't do it with everyone. 403 00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:19,872 Then, then what? What's wrong with us? 404 00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:21,249 Don't take it so personally. 405 00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:23,960 Every pair of swingers has one flaccid friendship. 406 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:27,171 Yeah, you know, just kind of a meat and potatoes couple 407 00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,839 you go bowling with once in a while. 408 00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:31,717 We just like hanging out with you guys as friends. 409 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,719 I don't even know what you're talking about, 410 00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:36,556 but we don't want to be anything more than friends with you guys. 411 00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:38,558 Maybe it's best we just call it a night. 412 00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:41,269 Please. I'll pay for it. How much to make it happen right now? 413 00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:43,354 -Touch it. -Oh, would you stop it already? 414 00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:46,566 They probably don't want us because you come off so desperate. 415 00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:49,360 Me? You're practically draping yourself all over 'em. 416 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,779 Because I'm the candy here, Peter. 417 00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:54,448 If there's any chance of this happening, it's because of me. 418 00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:57,201 You're nothing. You hear me? Nothing. 419 00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,744 [both growling menacingly] 420 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,205 [both moaning] 421 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,459 [dog barking] 422 00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:12,550 Well, we didn't swing, but we did have violent sex in front of another couple. 423 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:14,719 There'll be a little asterisk in the record books, 424 00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,637 but it still kind of counts. 425 00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:19,223 Their dog was barking at us the whole time. 426 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,770 [all laughing] 427 00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,188 Stewie, What are you doing here? 428 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:28,024 Oh, just wanted to check out the scene. 429 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,483 Things seem to be going so well. 430 00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:32,153 -I thought I'd ramp it up a notch. -What do you mean? 431 00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:34,363 [clinking] 432 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,992 Everyone. Brian would like to say a few words to the bride and the groom. 433 00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:39,243 I'm sorry. What? 434 00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,706 [scattered applause] 435 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:47,376 Um, hello. First of all, I'd like to thank you for having me here. 436 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:50,087 Back To School Season is almost here at Macy's. 437 00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:55,676 What I mean to say is you can save 15% on car insurance at Home Depot. 438 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,387 -There's no job too big. -[Stewie] Little problem, Brian. 439 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:01,223 I left the van open and there are squirrels everywhere. 440 00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,976 They're climbing all over the equipment and they got my nuggets, 441 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:05,686 and now they're gnawing on the wires. 442 00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,480 -[line breaks, static] -Wait, Stewie. 443 00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:10,232 [in Cuban accent] Does that mean this thing don't work no more? 444 00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:11,692 Okay, enough of this, man. 445 00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:13,903 Yeah, I got a few things I'd like to say. 446 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,489 How's everybody doing tonight, eh? 447 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:22,328 This guy gonna hump that chick real good tonight, man. 448 00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,372 -I'll tell you that. -[all gasp] 449 00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:26,374 Funny thing about immigrants, man. 450 00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:28,417 You're all like a bunch of dogs to me. 451 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,127 -[all gasp] -[growls] 452 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:33,714 Cheers to all the immigrant dogs here tonight. 453 00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:35,257 Oh, I almost forgot. 454 00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:38,594 Say hello to my little friend. 455 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,304 Hey, I'm Stewie. 456 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,431 What do you think you are doing? 457 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:46,602 Coming here and doing some disgusting impersonation of my family? 458 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,396 Hey, man, you don't understand. 459 00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:50,523 No, you don't understand. 460 00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,024 What you think, big man? 461 00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:54,235 Do you think you got a bigger shirt collar than me? 462 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:57,738 Do you think your car's interior has a better animal print than mine? 463 00:19:57,822 --> 00:19:59,448 Do you think your crocodile boots 464 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,451 have more lines between the crocodile parts than mine? 465 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,329 Do you think you've got more pineapples on your shirt than me? 466 00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:07,790 Let's count them. Let's have a little contest and see 467 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,126 who the most pineapple-y guy is tonight. 468 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,336 Everyone throw your dinner rolls at him. 469 00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,215 You think you can take me? 470 00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:18,801 You're gonna need an army to take me. 471 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:22,012 Huh? I'm still standing, eh! 472 00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:24,890 I take your rolls! 473 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:34,483 One of you boys gonna teach me how to samba, 474 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,027 or do I need to figure out a new Saturday? 475 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,827 Well, it's a good thing that crack on the head 476 00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:46,412 brought your voice back to normal. 477 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,080 [in normal voice] Yeah, but I'm bummed 478 00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:50,541 Carmen's never gonna speak to me again. I really liked her. 479 00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:52,084 Eh! I saw you dance at the wedding. 480 00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:53,961 You weren't gonna make it in a Latin family. 481 00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:55,421 What's wrong with the way I dance? 482 00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:57,131 You want to see a video of it? 483 00:20:57,214 --> 00:20:59,425 -Probably not, right? -I wouldn't.