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00:00:02,606 --> 00:00:04,976
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,976 --> 00:00:08,216
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,316 --> 00:00:11,891
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,891 --> 00:00:14,896
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,996 --> 00:00:18,303
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,303 --> 00:00:21,710
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,213 --> 00:00:24,516
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:30,460
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
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00:00:36,807 --> 00:00:38,409
[sighs] Son of a bitch.
11
00:00:38,544 --> 00:00:39,513
What's wrong, Peter?
12
00:00:39,513 --> 00:00:41,517
Eh, our I.T. guy told me today
that, apparently,
13
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I've had a work e-mail address
ever since I started there.
14
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So now I got to slog
through 17,000 messages.
15
00:00:47,596 --> 00:00:50,400
Aw, crap, we didn't have
to come in on 9/11?
16
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,973
I never even liked working
at that stupid brewery.
17
00:00:53,073 --> 00:00:55,377
Hardly my dream job,
I'll tell you that much.
18
00:00:55,377 --> 00:00:57,716
Now, there's
an interesting question.
19
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What would be your dream job?
20
00:00:59,719 --> 00:01:01,591
Dream job? Oh, that's easy.
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Ever since I was a kid,
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I always pictured myself
being an international spy.
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♪ ♪
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So, beautiful,
which lamp did you unplug
25
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to charge your phone
in the room?
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Mine's in the bathroom.
27
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Mm, you know,
I never caught your name.
28
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The name is Band. Lap Band.
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- [rapid gunfire]
- [screams]
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Careful. Here come the bad guys
from whatever country
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won't offend American
or Chinese audiences.
32
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- [gunfire]
- [grunts]
33
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You have dishonored the people
of Finland, Mr. Band.
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Shoot him,
fellow tall introverts.
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["Bond 77" by Marvin Hamlisch
playing]
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Yep. All definitely me.
37
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Whoosh. Zoom.
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Ski noise.
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[to tune of Pilot's "Magic"]
♪ Oh, oh, Ozempic... ♪
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They threw a ton of money at us.
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We couldn't say no.
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[dramatic, jazzy theme playing]
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[Peter chuckling]
All right.
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Hey, I wonder who they got
to do the song.
45
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Blech.
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♪ When you're a spy ♪
47
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♪ You got a lot on your mind ♪
48
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♪ You look high and low ♪
49
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♪ You never know
what you'll find ♪
50
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♪ Spy life. ♪
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[Peter sighs]
Mercifully brief.
52
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Good morning, Agent 5-5-5.
53
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Ugh, right. 'Cause this is
a number on a television show.
54
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I say, you look as bewitching
as ever, Miss Takeapenny.
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Oh, didn't you hear?
I got married.
56
00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:12,819
I'm now
Ms. Takeapenny-Leaveapenny.
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Wow, lucky gentleman.
58
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Because he gets to plow you,
is what I mean.
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So debonair.
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You know, now that I'm married,
I'm actually leaving.
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I'm training
my replacement, Todd.
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A male secretary?
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[sighs] Well, I suppose
I'll just have to adapt
64
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and harass him now.
65
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Nice penis, Todd.
66
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Oh, Mr. Band.
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Okay, good,
he knows how to play along.
68
00:03:34,128 --> 00:03:35,799
Yeah, this is-- this'll work.
69
00:03:35,899 --> 00:03:38,605
I understand you have
a mission for me, M,
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which I can only assume
stands for "man."
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Good morning, Mr. Band.
72
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Whoa. My boss is
the new Little Mermaid
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I'm so mad about.
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00:03:48,056 --> 00:03:50,728
Mr. Band, we have
reports of a plan
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to intercept a European
nuclear device
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by the villainous
mastermind, Blofella.
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Got it, M.
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00:03:57,575 --> 00:04:01,917
Or-or is it maybe MHM
and you pronounce it "mm-hmm"?
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M is fine.
80
00:04:03,252 --> 00:04:05,156
Okay, yeah, I--
times have changed
81
00:04:05,156 --> 00:04:06,893
and I-I got to--
I need to catch up.
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♪ ♪
83
00:04:14,576 --> 00:04:17,347
Oh, hey, Q.
Hey, have you seen who M is?
84
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Which I totally support,
by the way.
85
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In fact, it was my idea
and I fought for it.
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You should've heard me.
87
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Okay, just let me show you
the cutting-edge equipment
88
00:04:24,328 --> 00:04:25,932
you'll need for your mission.
89
00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:29,572
First, I have this fridge
that displays today's headlines.
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00:04:29,572 --> 00:04:32,078
Did-- did you just go
to Best Buy?
91
00:04:32,178 --> 00:04:34,348
No. I also have these headphones
92
00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:36,452
that block out
ambient plane noise.
93
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Yeah, you-you just went
to Best Buy.
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- I did not!
- So, where am I headed?
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We're expecting Blofella
96
00:04:41,830 --> 00:04:44,035
to attempt to intercept
the bomb in Belgium.
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Oh, awesome.
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That's the country where
they basically have
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dessert for breakfast, right?
100
00:04:47,876 --> 00:04:50,848
Agent triple-five,
I cannot stress enough--
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no dessert for breakfast.
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♪ ♪
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Greetings, Mr. Band,
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00:05:05,209 --> 00:05:07,615
on behalf of Belgian
Secret Services.
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00:05:07,715 --> 00:05:09,352
Oh, hey.
I-I'd shake your hand,
106
00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:11,624
but my arm is syrup-glued
to the table.
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00:05:11,724 --> 00:05:14,563
The name is Alice. Alice Boobs.
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[giggles]
That works in two ways.
109
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No, it's-it's really just one.
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♪ ♪
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Our intelligence has revealed
that the bomb transfer is
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to take place in this warehouse
for generic wooden crates.
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♪ ♪
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- [helicopter whirring loudly]
- [speaking indistinctly]
115
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What? It's very loud.
116
00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:45,524
[shouting indistinctly]
117
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We're getting none of this.
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If we can't hear him,
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he can't hear us saying
we can't hear him.
120
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What a mess!
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Gavin. Gavin.
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Turn off--
turn the helicopter off.
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I-I was going to say, "Sorry
to drop in on your party,"
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00:06:02,257 --> 00:06:04,061
but, uh, feels stupid now.
125
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Get 'em, boys.
126
00:06:05,297 --> 00:06:06,866
So that's it, Blofella?
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00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:08,738
You're just gonna have us
killed by your henchmen?
128
00:06:08,738 --> 00:06:11,142
Oh, okay, I'd rather you
not use that word.
129
00:06:11,142 --> 00:06:13,145
They are independent
contractors.
130
00:06:13,246 --> 00:06:14,750
He doesn't want
to pay us benefits.
131
00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:17,455
There is an app they log into
when they want to work,
132
00:06:17,455 --> 00:06:19,391
around their schedule.
133
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I am not their employer.
The app is their employer.
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Goodbye, Mr. Band.
135
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[laughing maniacally]
136
00:06:28,009 --> 00:06:30,079
[grunting]
137
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[groans]
138
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,801
[Peter]
It wasn't looking good.
139
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,472
But thankfully,
Q had supplied me with...
140
00:06:44,709 --> 00:06:46,847
Captain America's shield.
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00:06:46,847 --> 00:06:48,183
[Quagmire]
What? No, no, no.
142
00:06:48,183 --> 00:06:49,084
You can't just become
143
00:06:49,084 --> 00:06:50,821
a Marvel character
halfway through.
144
00:06:50,821 --> 00:06:53,193
[Joe]
Also, we usually see
all the stuff
145
00:06:53,293 --> 00:06:54,629
Q gives you at the beginning.
146
00:06:54,729 --> 00:06:57,167
This feels very unearned.
147
00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:00,140
[Peter]
Belgian intelligence learned
that Blofella's plan was
148
00:07:00,140 --> 00:07:02,377
to use the nuclear device
he'd intercepted
149
00:07:02,477 --> 00:07:05,016
to blow up the city
of Las Vegas.
150
00:07:05,016 --> 00:07:07,387
But that wasn't the only
emergency I was dealing with.
151
00:07:07,487 --> 00:07:10,059
Yeah, you said everyone
in Vegas wears tuxedos,
152
00:07:10,059 --> 00:07:12,632
and I'm starting to feel
pretty self-conscious.
153
00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:14,502
Uh, I didn't say "definitely."
154
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,606
I said,
"It was my understanding."
155
00:07:16,706 --> 00:07:19,478
[gasps]
Agent triple-five, look.
156
00:07:20,380 --> 00:07:21,716
[cheering]
157
00:07:21,716 --> 00:07:25,524
[gasps]
Blofella. Not on my watch.
158
00:07:28,229 --> 00:07:29,532
- [grunts]
- [screams]
159
00:07:32,070 --> 00:07:33,674
[slot machine chiming]
160
00:07:38,618 --> 00:07:40,521
[exhausted panting]
161
00:07:40,621 --> 00:07:42,525
I can't find my way out.
162
00:07:42,525 --> 00:07:45,464
Okay, well, that says
"breakfast buffet" that way,
163
00:07:45,464 --> 00:07:47,468
but I'm pretty sure
we've seen it twice.
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00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:49,706
♪ ♪
165
00:07:51,042 --> 00:07:53,446
Here we are again
at North Suite Elevators.
166
00:07:53,446 --> 00:07:54,983
I don't know, should we--
should we just
167
00:07:54,983 --> 00:07:56,620
hit the slot machines
while we're here?
168
00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:58,256
No. That's why they do this.
169
00:07:58,256 --> 00:07:59,492
No, no, yeah, no,
I get all that,
170
00:07:59,492 --> 00:08:01,763
and I hate
to hold things up, but...
171
00:08:01,763 --> 00:08:03,700
I mean, Santana's in his 70s.
172
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,238
We should probably see him
while we still can.
173
00:08:06,238 --> 00:08:07,508
Eh.
174
00:08:07,608 --> 00:08:10,548
[guitar solo playing]
175
00:08:10,548 --> 00:08:12,551
[Peter]
I knew one song.
176
00:08:12,652 --> 00:08:14,355
[guitar solo ends]
177
00:08:14,455 --> 00:08:15,758
Son of a bitch.
178
00:08:15,858 --> 00:08:18,229
♪ ♪
179
00:08:21,770 --> 00:08:23,774
There we are. Assembly complete.
180
00:08:23,874 --> 00:08:25,912
So, again, this would be
an appropriate time
181
00:08:26,012 --> 00:08:28,282
for you all to please
log out of the app.
182
00:08:28,282 --> 00:08:30,921
- [Band] Ha! I got you now.
- [gasps]
183
00:08:32,324 --> 00:08:33,961
Mr. Band.
How did you find me?
184
00:08:34,061 --> 00:08:36,967
Honestly, I'm on a guided tour
for the movie The Hangover,
185
00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:38,202
which ends on the roof.
186
00:08:38,202 --> 00:08:41,075
Fun fact, gang--
it was actually Zach's idea
187
00:08:41,075 --> 00:08:43,680
to put the sunglasses
on the baby.
188
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:46,018
Okay, I see everyone staring
at the Mandalay Bay,
189
00:08:46,018 --> 00:08:49,158
so I'll go ahead and tell you
which window was the shooter's.
190
00:08:49,158 --> 00:08:50,327
Well, you're too late.
191
00:08:50,427 --> 00:08:52,598
In a few moments,
all of Las Vegas will be
192
00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:54,068
totally wiped off the map.
193
00:08:54,168 --> 00:08:55,671
[grunting]
194
00:08:55,671 --> 00:08:58,076
You're a madman.
Why are you doing this?
195
00:08:58,209 --> 00:09:00,981
I need to get out of a very
restrictive time-share deal,
196
00:09:01,081 --> 00:09:03,788
and this is literally
the only way out.
197
00:09:03,788 --> 00:09:05,858
♪ ♪
198
00:09:11,335 --> 00:09:12,772
[Peter]
There was no time.
199
00:09:12,772 --> 00:09:15,578
So that's when I pulled out
Kylo Ren's lightsaber
200
00:09:15,578 --> 00:09:17,414
and knocked Blofella
off the roof.
201
00:09:17,414 --> 00:09:18,650
[screams]
202
00:09:18,650 --> 00:09:19,886
[Quagmire]
No, no, no, no. That's cheating.
203
00:09:19,886 --> 00:09:21,455
[Joe]
Also, you got a lightsaber,
204
00:09:21,557 --> 00:09:23,393
and you're just gonna
push a guy?
205
00:09:23,393 --> 00:09:24,529
[thud]
206
00:09:24,529 --> 00:09:27,835
Oh, triple-five,
you saved my life.
207
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:29,939
Make love to me right now.
208
00:09:29,939 --> 00:09:33,179
I'm sorry, Alice, I can't.
I'm gay.
209
00:09:33,279 --> 00:09:35,818
New Bond. Edited for snowflakes.
210
00:09:41,262 --> 00:09:43,166
♪ ♪
211
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:45,738
Wow, that was awesome hearing
about your dream job, Peter.
212
00:09:45,738 --> 00:09:48,877
But I was actually lucky enough
to have my dream job.
213
00:09:48,977 --> 00:09:50,280
At least until I lost it.
214
00:09:50,380 --> 00:09:52,618
It all started years ago.
215
00:09:52,618 --> 00:09:55,156
It was the 1980s,
and I was living alone
216
00:09:55,156 --> 00:09:57,929
in a studio apartment
with an askew poster
217
00:09:57,929 --> 00:10:00,399
because bachelors never hang
their posters straight.
218
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,837
[Peter]
Yeah, no offense, Quagmire,
219
00:10:01,937 --> 00:10:03,005
but I'm gonna listen
to this story
220
00:10:03,005 --> 00:10:05,143
the same way I do
most podcasts--
221
00:10:05,243 --> 00:10:07,080
at 1.5 speed.
222
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,717
[Quagmire, sped up]
I'd put on some weight
223
00:10:08,717 --> 00:10:10,353
from being in an abusive
relationship with a woman--
224
00:10:10,353 --> 00:10:12,023
- Mama Celeste.
- Abbondanza.
225
00:10:12,023 --> 00:10:13,861
[Peter]
All right, okay.
Ba-Back to normal speed.
226
00:10:13,861 --> 00:10:15,597
I-I'm in. I'm hooked.
227
00:10:16,666 --> 00:10:18,737
[Quagmire]
The other thing about
living in the '80s is that,
228
00:10:18,737 --> 00:10:20,874
wherever you went,
the actual Pointer Sisters
229
00:10:20,874 --> 00:10:22,779
would follow you around, singing.
230
00:10:22,779 --> 00:10:24,749
[tune of "Jump (for My Love)"]
♪ Glenn ♪
231
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:27,054
♪ You know this man
just mailed a bill ♪
232
00:10:27,054 --> 00:10:28,256
♪ To Sprint ♪
233
00:10:28,389 --> 00:10:29,659
♪ It's for his phone ♪
234
00:10:29,659 --> 00:10:31,395
♪ A landline phone. ♪
235
00:10:32,164 --> 00:10:33,934
[Quagmire]
I knew I needed
to get in shape,
236
00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:36,405
but the only forms of exercise
in the '80s were
237
00:10:36,405 --> 00:10:38,076
roller-skating on a dance floor
238
00:10:38,076 --> 00:10:41,282
or lugging around your dead boss
to use his vacation home.
239
00:10:42,217 --> 00:10:44,254
Back then, there were
two things I liked:
240
00:10:44,254 --> 00:10:45,625
gyrating my pelvis
241
00:10:45,625 --> 00:10:47,093
and putting vowels
next to each other
242
00:10:47,093 --> 00:10:48,798
that weren't normally
next to each other.
243
00:10:48,798 --> 00:10:50,200
I combined those two loves
244
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:52,672
to create something called
"aerobics."
245
00:10:52,672 --> 00:10:53,840
Welcome aboard.
246
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,744
Here's your
complimentary headband,
247
00:10:55,844 --> 00:10:58,750
two wristbands, waistband,
thigh band, another headband.
248
00:10:58,850 --> 00:11:00,420
There were a lot of bands.
249
00:11:00,521 --> 00:11:02,825
[Peter]
Yeah, my finger's hovering
over that 1.5 button.
250
00:11:02,926 --> 00:11:04,261
[Quagmire]
Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
251
00:11:04,361 --> 00:11:06,800
So I started teaching classes
that same week.
252
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,637
I even created an advanced class
253
00:11:08,637 --> 00:11:10,774
based on how your body moves
during sex.
254
00:11:10,774 --> 00:11:12,879
I called it "Sexercise."
255
00:11:12,879 --> 00:11:15,049
♪ ♪
256
00:11:18,924 --> 00:11:20,828
And things took off immediately
257
00:11:20,928 --> 00:11:24,167
because I gave 1980s women
exactly what they wanted:
258
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:26,005
long, flat butts.
259
00:11:26,105 --> 00:11:28,443
Come on, ladies.
Longer! Flatter!
260
00:11:28,544 --> 00:11:30,379
My workout program was a hit,
261
00:11:30,379 --> 00:11:32,985
and soon I was ready
to take it national.
262
00:11:32,985 --> 00:11:34,488
I was lucky enough
to get the chance to announce
263
00:11:34,488 --> 00:11:36,893
the filming of my video on
The Tonight Show with Johnny.
264
00:11:36,994 --> 00:11:39,164
[Joe]
Wow! You met Johnny Carson?
265
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,636
[Quagmire]
Actually, that particular night
there was a guest host,
266
00:11:41,636 --> 00:11:43,874
John Davidson,
star of That's Incredible!
267
00:11:43,974 --> 00:11:46,011
So, you know, different Johnny
but still Johnny.
268
00:11:46,111 --> 00:11:48,551
[Peter]
No one has ever called
John Davidson "Johnny."
269
00:11:48,651 --> 00:11:51,455
[Quagmire]
He guest-hosted 87 times.
That's not nothing.
270
00:11:51,455 --> 00:11:53,994
Anyway, the night's first guest
was Jane Fonda,
271
00:11:54,094 --> 00:11:55,764
who was promoting 9 to 5,
272
00:11:55,864 --> 00:11:58,503
by far the blousiest movie
of the 1980s.
273
00:11:58,503 --> 00:12:00,240
So, Glenn Quagmire.
274
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,208
It says here you created
275
00:12:01,308 --> 00:12:03,914
an exercise craze
called "aerobics."
276
00:12:04,014 --> 00:12:07,086
- What inspired that?
- Well, John... ny,
277
00:12:07,186 --> 00:12:09,925
one day as I did jumping jacks
alone in my apartment,
278
00:12:09,925 --> 00:12:12,464
I thought, "How can I take
the worst parts of this
279
00:12:12,464 --> 00:12:13,900
"and put it in a public setting?
280
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,840
Plus a wall of mirrors
and street-facing windows."
281
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,710
The interview seemed
to go great.
282
00:12:18,710 --> 00:12:20,079
But the next day,
283
00:12:20,079 --> 00:12:23,419
I realized how truly ruthless
Jane Fonda was.
284
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:26,124
♪ ♪
285
00:12:26,993 --> 00:12:30,668
Now, Mr. Quagmire, an important
part of releasing a 1980s video
286
00:12:30,668 --> 00:12:34,008
is the incredibly depressing
production logo it opens with.
287
00:12:34,108 --> 00:12:35,844
I have a few here
to choose from.
288
00:12:35,844 --> 00:12:38,082
First is some vibrating
rainbow text
289
00:12:38,182 --> 00:12:40,420
that never quite comes
into focus.
290
00:12:40,420 --> 00:12:42,524
[ominous synth music playing]
291
00:12:44,261 --> 00:12:45,229
Uh-huh, love that.
292
00:12:45,229 --> 00:12:47,702
This one is just a large
bouncing "V"
293
00:12:47,802 --> 00:12:49,806
with an ominous keyboard noise.
294
00:12:49,806 --> 00:12:52,110
[ominous synth music playing]
295
00:12:54,247 --> 00:12:55,083
Also excellent.
296
00:12:55,183 --> 00:12:57,287
Or here's three capital letters
297
00:12:57,287 --> 00:13:00,259
all spelled with one thick,
continuous line
298
00:13:00,359 --> 00:13:02,030
atop a digital horizon.
299
00:13:02,030 --> 00:13:04,334
[ominous synth music playing]
300
00:13:06,338 --> 00:13:08,977
Wow, you can't miss.
Let's go with all three.
301
00:13:09,779 --> 00:13:11,716
Wait a minute.
What's-what's going on?
302
00:13:11,716 --> 00:13:12,919
Where are my leg warmers?
303
00:13:12,919 --> 00:13:14,822
Back then,
leg warmers were essential
304
00:13:14,922 --> 00:13:16,392
because that was, by far,
305
00:13:16,392 --> 00:13:18,530
the coldest decade
from the knee down.
306
00:13:18,530 --> 00:13:20,266
Did someone take my leg warmers?
307
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:24,174
In place of my leg warmers,
I found only a single note.
308
00:13:27,047 --> 00:13:27,982
At first, I assumed
309
00:13:27,982 --> 00:13:30,120
Jodie Foster had stolen
my leg warmers,
310
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,357
and I was about to go
take it out on the president.
311
00:13:32,357 --> 00:13:35,196
But then I realized it could
only have been one person intent
312
00:13:35,196 --> 00:13:39,104
on sabotaging me-- Jane Fonda.
313
00:13:39,104 --> 00:13:41,677
I tried my best to soldier on.
314
00:13:41,677 --> 00:13:42,745
Okay, don't look at my legs.
315
00:13:42,745 --> 00:13:45,417
And one, and two...
My calves are tiny and cold.
316
00:13:45,417 --> 00:13:46,786
And three, and four...
317
00:13:46,886 --> 00:13:48,524
But I knew, even in the moment,
318
00:13:48,624 --> 00:13:50,326
it was gonna be a disaster.
319
00:13:50,326 --> 00:13:52,196
[gasping]
320
00:13:59,746 --> 00:14:02,150
I never stood a chance.
321
00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:04,287
♪ ♪
322
00:14:06,158 --> 00:14:07,995
[Jane Fonda]
Hello, Glenn.
323
00:14:07,995 --> 00:14:11,001
Sorry you failed, but...
[chuckles] like they say,
324
00:14:11,001 --> 00:14:13,038
all's fair in love and aerobics.
325
00:14:13,138 --> 00:14:15,042
Who? Who says that? Nobody.
326
00:14:15,142 --> 00:14:17,648
God, now I get why everyone's
racist uncle hates you.
327
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:21,054
Well, it's been nice chatting,
but if you'll excuse me,
328
00:14:21,054 --> 00:14:22,791
I have to go lobby our nation
329
00:14:22,891 --> 00:14:24,696
about cleaning up the mess
we made in Vietnam.
330
00:14:24,696 --> 00:14:26,967
- [audio speeds up]
- [Peter] Sorry, I went ahead
and hit the eight-X.
331
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:30,206
[Quagmire]
No, you-you-you did the,
you did the right thing, Peter.
332
00:14:30,306 --> 00:14:32,544
[ominous synth music playing]
333
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:44,902
♪ ♪
334
00:14:45,036 --> 00:14:47,106
Well, as far as dream jobs go,
335
00:14:47,206 --> 00:14:50,313
mine's always been to do
what you do, Joe, to be a cop.
336
00:14:50,413 --> 00:14:52,484
But, you know, one day
short of retirement,
337
00:14:52,585 --> 00:14:54,722
since y'all got
such a nice benefits package.
338
00:14:54,722 --> 00:14:59,064
Huh. Well, my dream job is to
do pretty much what I do now
339
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:01,101
but be, like,
a loose cannon type cop
340
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,039
who doesn't care
whether he lives or dies
341
00:15:03,039 --> 00:15:04,842
but can definitely walk.
342
00:15:04,942 --> 00:15:07,146
♪ ♪
343
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,921
[Cleveland]
It was my last day on the job,
344
00:15:10,921 --> 00:15:13,493
and I'd just taken
my last office dump
345
00:15:13,493 --> 00:15:14,962
when I was called
into the chief's office.
346
00:15:15,063 --> 00:15:17,668
Morning, sir.
You wanted to see me?
347
00:15:17,668 --> 00:15:18,938
That's right.
We've been tracking
348
00:15:18,938 --> 00:15:20,440
a notorious drug cartel
349
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,611
that's been bringing
tons of cocaine into L.A.
350
00:15:22,611 --> 00:15:26,452
Yes, cocaine has been ravaging
the Black community for years.
351
00:15:26,452 --> 00:15:29,057
Yeah, well, some white girl
got a minor nosebleed,
352
00:15:29,057 --> 00:15:31,428
so now I guess it's, like,
a big frickin' deal.
353
00:15:31,428 --> 00:15:33,767
In fact, last night,
there was a huge bust.
354
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,269
Wow, how much was it?
355
00:15:35,269 --> 00:15:37,207
And remember,
we measure cocaine--
356
00:15:37,207 --> 00:15:39,812
and nothing else--
in only kilos.
357
00:15:39,812 --> 00:15:42,083
- I don't know, 80 pounds?
- Huh?
358
00:15:42,083 --> 00:15:43,419
Like, 36 kilos.
359
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,292
Oh, my God!
That's too much kilos!
360
00:15:46,292 --> 00:15:48,362
Oh, I'm also assigning you
a new partner.
361
00:15:48,462 --> 00:15:50,634
But don't worry, I know
you're nearing retirement
362
00:15:50,734 --> 00:15:52,070
and want a stable situation,
363
00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:55,109
so I'm hooking you up with a guy
named Sergeant Maniac.
364
00:15:55,109 --> 00:15:57,413
How you doing?
I'm a crazy wild card
365
00:15:57,413 --> 00:16:01,021
as indicated by my
only right now timely mullet.
366
00:16:01,121 --> 00:16:04,193
Hmm. You ain't dressed
like a police detective.
367
00:16:04,294 --> 00:16:06,866
Well, I know we're gonna be
running around chasing bad guys,
368
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:09,304
so I wore
the tightest jeans I own.
369
00:16:09,304 --> 00:16:11,141
Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
370
00:16:11,141 --> 00:16:13,881
Hey, why don't you come on out
to my beachside trailer
371
00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:16,018
to, uh, discuss the case?
372
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:17,287
Sure. Where is it?
373
00:16:17,387 --> 00:16:20,026
Eh, not in Malibu--
they wouldn't allow it--
374
00:16:20,126 --> 00:16:22,565
but one of those garbage beaches
further north,
375
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:25,336
way past Moonshadows, which is,
like, the perfect place
376
00:16:25,336 --> 00:16:27,908
to get drunk and tell everybody
who's responsible
377
00:16:27,908 --> 00:16:29,746
for all the world's wars.
378
00:16:29,746 --> 00:16:32,552
♪ ♪
379
00:16:32,552 --> 00:16:36,526
[Cleveland]
I soon realized my new partner
had serious issues.
380
00:16:36,526 --> 00:16:39,799
He didn't care what kind
of dangerous stuff he did.
381
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:41,603
- [phone rings]
- Hello?
382
00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:44,976
You're calling from
"credit card services"?
383
00:16:44,976 --> 00:16:47,179
Great, I'll tell you
my Social Security number,
384
00:16:47,179 --> 00:16:49,618
and you tell me if it matches
what you have there.
385
00:16:49,618 --> 00:16:51,689
Man is insane.
386
00:16:51,689 --> 00:16:54,862
Okay, and, uh, don't laugh
at my mother's maiden name.
387
00:16:54,962 --> 00:16:56,566
It's kind of a goofy one.
388
00:16:56,666 --> 00:17:00,240
Tinkleman. [laughing] Yeah.
It's like... like pee.
389
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,945
I thought we were gonna
discuss the case.
390
00:17:03,045 --> 00:17:04,849
Right. I'll be ready
in one minute, but first,
391
00:17:04,849 --> 00:17:08,422
I've been asked to make sure
women come see the movie, too.
392
00:17:08,523 --> 00:17:11,227
♪ ♪
393
00:17:13,934 --> 00:17:17,842
[Cleveland]
So my crazy partner and I
set out to solve the case
394
00:17:17,842 --> 00:17:19,712
and began by looking for Leeds,
395
00:17:19,712 --> 00:17:22,049
which was a somewhat popular
mattress store,
396
00:17:22,149 --> 00:17:23,853
where if you said you were
a potential customer,
397
00:17:23,853 --> 00:17:26,726
they'd let you take a nap
in the middle of the day.
398
00:17:26,726 --> 00:17:27,928
- [snoring]
- Sorry, guys.
399
00:17:28,028 --> 00:17:29,732
My manager says
you have to leave.
400
00:17:29,732 --> 00:17:33,172
Leave? But my partner and I
are trying out this queen bed.
401
00:17:33,172 --> 00:17:35,911
- [giggles]
- What are you giggling at?
402
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:37,982
We're partners
on the police force.
403
00:17:37,982 --> 00:17:40,253
This guy's wearing jeans
with no underwear.
404
00:17:40,253 --> 00:17:42,858
Yeah, you're cops. Sure.
405
00:17:42,958 --> 00:17:45,931
♪ ♪
406
00:17:45,931 --> 00:17:47,802
You guys are no closer
to figuring out
407
00:17:47,802 --> 00:17:50,339
who's responsible for
bringing in all this cocaine.
408
00:17:50,339 --> 00:17:51,843
I got a pretty good idea.
409
00:17:51,843 --> 00:17:54,848
Have you checked Temple
Shalom Yisrael in Brentwood?
410
00:17:54,848 --> 00:17:58,189
It's also where they control
the weather and the Oscars.
411
00:17:58,189 --> 00:18:00,561
That's it.
You guys are off the case.
412
00:18:00,561 --> 00:18:02,631
♪ ♪
413
00:18:02,731 --> 00:18:04,569
[Cleveland]
Since we'd been thrown off
the case,
414
00:18:04,569 --> 00:18:06,973
I thought it'd be nice
to invite my partner over
415
00:18:07,073 --> 00:18:09,277
- for a home-cooked meal.
- Huh.
416
00:18:09,377 --> 00:18:11,014
You don't have a pitcher
of iced tea?
417
00:18:11,148 --> 00:18:12,651
I thought
every Black family dinner
418
00:18:12,651 --> 00:18:14,154
had a pitcher of iced tea.
419
00:18:14,254 --> 00:18:16,325
We do have a picture of Ice-T,
420
00:18:16,325 --> 00:18:18,329
right up there on the wall.
421
00:18:18,329 --> 00:18:19,898
[dispatcher]
Attention, all units, be advised
422
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:21,736
of a possible drug deal
at the dock.
423
00:18:21,736 --> 00:18:23,138
That's not far from here.
424
00:18:23,239 --> 00:18:25,476
No way.
We were taken off that case.
425
00:18:25,476 --> 00:18:29,117
Yeah, but we can be there before
even the closest patrol car.
426
00:18:32,791 --> 00:18:34,762
♪ ♪
427
00:18:46,819 --> 00:18:49,157
There, look.
Quick, pull over and let me out.
428
00:18:49,257 --> 00:18:51,462
- What?
- I'm gonna run
the rest of the way.
429
00:18:51,462 --> 00:18:53,767
I assure you the car
will be faster.
430
00:18:53,767 --> 00:18:54,769
See you there.
431
00:18:54,769 --> 00:18:56,872
♪ ♪
432
00:18:58,442 --> 00:18:59,477
[grunts]
433
00:19:03,687 --> 00:19:06,525
[panting, grunting]
434
00:19:06,525 --> 00:19:08,295
Been waiting here
for six minutes.
435
00:19:08,295 --> 00:19:11,936
Okay, okay, okay,
so, six-minute mile.
436
00:19:12,036 --> 00:19:13,707
Not bad for jeans
and no underpants.
437
00:19:13,707 --> 00:19:17,246
You got any glovebox Vaseline
in there?
438
00:19:19,885 --> 00:19:22,256
It's the chief. What the hell?
439
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:25,262
[yells]
440
00:19:30,339 --> 00:19:31,876
The chief has been
the mastermind
441
00:19:31,876 --> 00:19:34,448
of the cocaine cartel all along.
442
00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:37,755
That might explain why
he always calls me at 3:00 a.m.
443
00:19:37,755 --> 00:19:39,792
with screenplay ideas.
444
00:19:39,892 --> 00:19:41,929
[phone ringing]
445
00:19:43,331 --> 00:19:44,969
[grunts] Hello?
446
00:19:45,069 --> 00:19:46,238
[Carter]
Okay, hear me out.
447
00:19:46,238 --> 00:19:48,342
It's Die Hard,
but in a building.
448
00:19:48,342 --> 00:19:50,747
Die Hard is in a building.
449
00:19:50,747 --> 00:19:53,185
Hmm, I don't know.
Here, listen to me watch it,
450
00:19:53,185 --> 00:19:54,487
and we'll find out.
451
00:19:54,621 --> 00:19:57,861
[20th Century Fox fanfare
playing over phone]
452
00:20:02,136 --> 00:20:04,273
[both grunt]
453
00:20:11,488 --> 00:20:14,061
Give it up.
You guys can't arrest me anyway.
454
00:20:14,061 --> 00:20:17,267
I have diplomatic immunity.
455
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:20,239
- You do?
- On what basis?
456
00:20:20,239 --> 00:20:22,376
Yeah, I'm a citizen
of Margaritaville.
457
00:20:22,376 --> 00:20:25,249
I even have this hat from
a recent vacation to prove it.
458
00:20:25,249 --> 00:20:27,655
[growls] Too bad.
459
00:20:27,755 --> 00:20:31,996
Your diplomatic immunity's
just been revoked.
460
00:20:31,996 --> 00:20:33,498
[groans]
461
00:20:35,637 --> 00:20:37,875
The officer's actions,
while illegal,
462
00:20:37,875 --> 00:20:41,549
were justified by a snappy line.
Movie over.
463
00:20:41,649 --> 00:20:44,420
[ominous synth music playing]
464
00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:46,892
[Quagmire]
I was also a producer
on this project.