1 00:00:02,606 --> 00:00:04,976 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,976 --> 00:00:08,216 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,316 --> 00:00:11,891 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,891 --> 00:00:14,896 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,996 --> 00:00:18,303 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,303 --> 00:00:21,710 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,843 --> 00:00:23,213 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,213 --> 00:00:24,516 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:30,460 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:36,807 --> 00:00:38,409 Son of a bitch. 11 00:00:38,544 --> 00:00:39,513 What's wrong, Peter? 12 00:00:39,513 --> 00:00:41,517 Eh, our I.T. guy told me today that, apparently, 13 00:00:41,517 --> 00:00:44,523 I've had a work e-mail address ever since I started there. 14 00:00:44,523 --> 00:00:47,596 So now I got to slog through 17,000 messages. 15 00:00:47,596 --> 00:00:50,400 Aw, crap, we didn't have to come in on 9/11? 16 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,973 I never even liked working at that stupid brewery. 17 00:00:53,073 --> 00:00:55,377 Hardly my dream job, I'll tell you that much. 18 00:00:55,377 --> 00:00:57,716 Now, there's an interesting question. 19 00:00:57,816 --> 00:00:59,619 What would be your dream job? 20 00:00:59,719 --> 00:01:01,591 Dream job? Oh, that's easy. 21 00:01:01,591 --> 00:01:02,693 Ever since I was a kid, 22 00:01:02,793 --> 00:01:06,198 I always pictured myself being an international spy. 23 00:01:13,147 --> 00:01:15,985 So, beautiful, which lamp did you unplug 24 00:01:15,985 --> 00:01:17,756 to charge your phone in the room? 25 00:01:17,756 --> 00:01:19,125 Mine's in the bathroom. 26 00:01:19,225 --> 00:01:21,864 Mm, you know, I never caught your name. 27 00:01:21,864 --> 00:01:25,739 The name is Band. Lap Band. 28 00:01:28,611 --> 00:01:31,249 Careful. Here come the bad guys from whatever country 29 00:01:31,249 --> 00:01:33,755 won't offend American or Chinese audiences. 30 00:01:35,558 --> 00:01:38,564 You have dishonored the people of Finland, Mr. Band. 31 00:01:38,564 --> 00:01:41,168 Shoot him, fellow tall introverts. 32 00:01:58,003 --> 00:02:00,207 Yep. All definitely me. 33 00:02:00,307 --> 00:02:02,044 Whoosh. Zoom. 34 00:02:02,044 --> 00:02:04,716 Ski noise. 35 00:02:13,032 --> 00:02:16,774 ♪ Oh, oh, Ozempic... ♪ 36 00:02:16,874 --> 00:02:18,309 They threw a ton of money at us. 37 00:02:18,309 --> 00:02:19,746 We couldn't say no. 38 00:02:30,635 --> 00:02:32,337 All right. 39 00:02:32,337 --> 00:02:34,976 Hey, I wonder who they got to do the song. 40 00:02:35,076 --> 00:02:36,980 Blech. 41 00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:39,853 ♪ When you're a spy ♪ 42 00:02:39,853 --> 00:02:43,093 ♪ You got a lot on your mind ♪ 43 00:02:43,193 --> 00:02:46,098 ♪ You look high and low ♪ 44 00:02:46,098 --> 00:02:50,073 ♪ You never know what you'll find ♪ 45 00:02:50,207 --> 00:02:52,679 ♪ Spy life. ♪ 46 00:02:53,446 --> 00:02:56,252 Mercifully brief. 47 00:03:00,094 --> 00:03:01,630 Good morning, Agent 5-5-5. 48 00:03:01,730 --> 00:03:04,869 Ugh, right. 'Cause this is a number on a television show. 49 00:03:04,869 --> 00:03:08,276 I say, you look as bewitching as ever, Miss Takeapenny. 50 00:03:08,276 --> 00:03:10,648 Oh, didn't you hear? I got married. 51 00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:12,819 I'm now Ms. Takeapenny-Leaveapenny. 52 00:03:12,819 --> 00:03:14,622 Wow, lucky gentleman. 53 00:03:14,622 --> 00:03:16,994 Because he gets to plow you, is what I mean. 54 00:03:16,994 --> 00:03:18,531 So debonair. 55 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:21,135 You know, now that I'm married, I'm actually leaving. 56 00:03:21,135 --> 00:03:23,640 I'm training my replacement, Todd. 57 00:03:23,741 --> 00:03:25,143 A male secretary? 58 00:03:25,243 --> 00:03:27,649 Well, I suppose I'll just have to adapt 59 00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:28,851 and harass him now. 60 00:03:28,952 --> 00:03:30,889 Nice penis, Todd. 61 00:03:30,989 --> 00:03:32,258 Oh, Mr. Band. 62 00:03:32,258 --> 00:03:34,028 Okay, good, he knows how to play along. 63 00:03:34,128 --> 00:03:35,799 Yeah, this is-- this'll work. 64 00:03:35,899 --> 00:03:38,605 I understand you have a mission for me, M, 65 00:03:38,605 --> 00:03:41,543 which I can only assume stands for "man." 66 00:03:42,879 --> 00:03:44,382 Good morning, Mr. Band. 67 00:03:44,382 --> 00:03:46,820 Whoa. My boss is the new Little Mermaid 68 00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:48,056 I'm so mad about. 69 00:03:48,056 --> 00:03:50,728 Mr. Band, we have reports of a plan 70 00:03:50,828 --> 00:03:53,166 to intercept a European nuclear device 71 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:56,139 by the villainous mastermind, Blofella. 72 00:03:56,139 --> 00:03:57,441 Got it, M. 73 00:03:57,575 --> 00:04:01,917 Or-or is it maybe MHM and you pronounce it "mm-hmm"? 74 00:04:02,017 --> 00:04:03,252 M is fine. 75 00:04:03,252 --> 00:04:05,156 Okay, yeah, I-- times have changed 76 00:04:05,156 --> 00:04:06,893 and I-I got to-- I need to catch up. 77 00:04:14,576 --> 00:04:17,347 Oh, hey, Q. Hey, have you seen who M is? 78 00:04:17,447 --> 00:04:19,218 Which I totally support, by the way. 79 00:04:19,318 --> 00:04:21,189 In fact, it was my idea and I fought for it. 80 00:04:21,189 --> 00:04:22,291 You should've heard me. 81 00:04:22,391 --> 00:04:24,328 Okay, just let me show you the cutting-edge equipment 82 00:04:24,328 --> 00:04:25,932 you'll need for your mission. 83 00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:29,572 First, I have this fridge that displays today's headlines. 84 00:04:29,572 --> 00:04:32,078 Did-- did you just go to Best Buy? 85 00:04:32,178 --> 00:04:34,348 No. I also have these headphones 86 00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:36,452 that block out ambient plane noise. 87 00:04:36,553 --> 00:04:38,155 Yeah, you-you just went to Best Buy. 88 00:04:38,155 --> 00:04:40,762 - I did not! - So, where am I headed? 89 00:04:40,762 --> 00:04:41,830 We're expecting Blofella 90 00:04:41,830 --> 00:04:44,035 to attempt to intercept the bomb in Belgium. 91 00:04:44,035 --> 00:04:45,204 Oh, awesome. 92 00:04:45,304 --> 00:04:46,640 That's the country where they basically have 93 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:47,876 dessert for breakfast, right? 94 00:04:47,876 --> 00:04:50,848 Agent triple-five, I cannot stress enough-- 95 00:04:50,848 --> 00:04:53,019 no dessert for breakfast. 96 00:05:03,407 --> 00:05:05,209 Greetings, Mr. Band, 97 00:05:05,209 --> 00:05:07,615 on behalf of Belgian Secret Services. 98 00:05:07,715 --> 00:05:09,352 Oh, hey. I-I'd shake your hand, 99 00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:11,624 but my arm is syrup-glued to the table. 100 00:05:11,724 --> 00:05:14,563 The name is Alice. Alice Boobs. 101 00:05:14,563 --> 00:05:17,468 That works in two ways. 102 00:05:17,468 --> 00:05:19,940 No, it's-it's really just one. 103 00:05:23,212 --> 00:05:26,820 Our intelligence has revealed that the bomb transfer is 104 00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:31,096 to take place in this warehouse for generic wooden crates. 105 00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:43,220 What? It's very loud. 106 00:05:47,729 --> 00:05:49,398 We're getting none of this. 107 00:05:49,398 --> 00:05:50,835 If we can't hear him, 108 00:05:50,835 --> 00:05:53,373 he can't hear us saying we can't hear him. 109 00:05:53,373 --> 00:05:54,876 What a mess! 110 00:05:55,010 --> 00:05:56,312 Gavin. Gavin. 111 00:05:56,412 --> 00:05:58,216 Turn off-- turn the helicopter off. 112 00:05:58,216 --> 00:06:02,157 I-I was going to say, "Sorry to drop in on your party," 113 00:06:02,257 --> 00:06:04,061 but, uh, feels stupid now. 114 00:06:04,061 --> 00:06:05,297 Get 'em, boys. 115 00:06:05,297 --> 00:06:06,866 So that's it, Blofella? 116 00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:08,738 You're just gonna have us killed by your henchmen? 117 00:06:08,738 --> 00:06:11,142 Oh, okay, I'd rather you not use that word. 118 00:06:11,142 --> 00:06:13,145 They are independent contractors. 119 00:06:13,246 --> 00:06:14,750 He doesn't want to pay us benefits. 120 00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:17,455 There is an app they log into when they want to work, 121 00:06:17,455 --> 00:06:19,391 around their schedule. 122 00:06:19,391 --> 00:06:23,033 I am not their employer. The app is their employer. 123 00:06:23,033 --> 00:06:24,903 Goodbye, Mr. Band. 124 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,801 It wasn't looking good. 125 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,472 But thankfully, Q had supplied me with... 126 00:06:44,709 --> 00:06:46,847 Captain America's shield. 127 00:06:46,847 --> 00:06:48,183 What? No, no, no. 128 00:06:48,183 --> 00:06:49,084 You can't just become 129 00:06:49,084 --> 00:06:50,821 a Marvel character halfway through. 130 00:06:50,821 --> 00:06:53,193 Also, we usually see all the stuff 131 00:06:53,293 --> 00:06:54,629 Q gives you at the beginning. 132 00:06:54,729 --> 00:06:57,167 This feels very unearned. 133 00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:00,140 Belgian intelligence learned that Blofella's plan was 134 00:07:00,140 --> 00:07:02,377 to use the nuclear device he'd intercepted 135 00:07:02,477 --> 00:07:05,016 to blow up the city of Las Vegas. 136 00:07:05,016 --> 00:07:07,387 But that wasn't the only emergency I was dealing with. 137 00:07:07,487 --> 00:07:10,059 Yeah, you said everyone in Vegas wears tuxedos, 138 00:07:10,059 --> 00:07:12,632 and I'm starting to feel pretty self-conscious. 139 00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:14,502 Uh, I didn't say "definitely." 140 00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,606 I said, "It was my understanding." 141 00:07:16,706 --> 00:07:19,478 Agent triple-five, look. 142 00:07:21,716 --> 00:07:25,524 Blofella. Not on my watch. 143 00:07:40,621 --> 00:07:42,525 I can't find my way out. 144 00:07:42,525 --> 00:07:45,464 Okay, well, that says "breakfast buffet" that way, 145 00:07:45,464 --> 00:07:47,468 but I'm pretty sure we've seen it twice. 146 00:07:51,042 --> 00:07:53,446 Here we are again at North Suite Elevators. 147 00:07:53,446 --> 00:07:54,983 I don't know, should we-- should we just 148 00:07:54,983 --> 00:07:56,620 hit the slot machines while we're here? 149 00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:58,256 No. That's why they do this. 150 00:07:58,256 --> 00:07:59,492 No, no, yeah, no, I get all that, 151 00:07:59,492 --> 00:08:01,763 and I hate to hold things up, but... 152 00:08:01,763 --> 00:08:03,700 I mean, Santana's in his 70s. 153 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,238 We should probably see him while we still can. 154 00:08:06,238 --> 00:08:07,508 Eh. 155 00:08:10,548 --> 00:08:12,551 I knew one song. 156 00:08:14,455 --> 00:08:15,758 Son of a bitch. 157 00:08:21,770 --> 00:08:23,774 There we are. Assembly complete. 158 00:08:23,874 --> 00:08:25,912 So, again, this would be an appropriate time 159 00:08:26,012 --> 00:08:28,282 for you all to please log out of the app. 160 00:08:28,282 --> 00:08:30,921 Ha! I got you now. 161 00:08:32,324 --> 00:08:33,961 Mr. Band. How did you find me? 162 00:08:34,061 --> 00:08:36,967 Honestly, I'm on a guided tour for the movie The Hangover, 163 00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:38,202 which ends on the roof. 164 00:08:38,202 --> 00:08:41,075 Fun fact, gang-- it was actually Zach's idea 165 00:08:41,075 --> 00:08:43,680 to put the sunglasses on the baby. 166 00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:46,018 Okay, I see everyone staring at the Mandalay Bay, 167 00:08:46,018 --> 00:08:49,158 so I'll go ahead and tell you which window was the shooter's. 168 00:08:49,158 --> 00:08:50,327 Well, you're too late. 169 00:08:50,427 --> 00:08:52,598 In a few moments, all of Las Vegas will be 170 00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:54,068 totally wiped off the map. 171 00:08:55,671 --> 00:08:58,076 You're a madman. Why are you doing this? 172 00:08:58,209 --> 00:09:00,981 I need to get out of a very restrictive time-share deal, 173 00:09:01,081 --> 00:09:03,788 and this is literally the only way out. 174 00:09:11,335 --> 00:09:12,772 There was no time. 175 00:09:12,772 --> 00:09:15,578 So that's when I pulled out Kylo Ren's lightsaber 176 00:09:15,578 --> 00:09:17,414 and knocked Blofella off the roof. 177 00:09:18,650 --> 00:09:19,886 No, no, no, no. That's cheating. 178 00:09:19,886 --> 00:09:21,455 Also, you got a lightsaber, 179 00:09:21,557 --> 00:09:23,393 and you're just gonna push a guy? 180 00:09:24,529 --> 00:09:27,835 Oh, triple-five, you saved my life. 181 00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:29,939 Make love to me right now. 182 00:09:29,939 --> 00:09:33,179 I'm sorry, Alice, I can't. I'm gay. 183 00:09:33,279 --> 00:09:35,818 New Bond. Edited for snowflakes. 184 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:45,738 Wow, that was awesome hearing about your dream job, Peter. 185 00:09:45,738 --> 00:09:48,877 But I was actually lucky enough to have my dream job. 186 00:09:48,977 --> 00:09:50,280 At least until I lost it. 187 00:09:50,380 --> 00:09:52,618 It all started years ago. 188 00:09:52,618 --> 00:09:55,156 It was the 1980s, and I was living alone 189 00:09:55,156 --> 00:09:57,929 in a studio apartment with an askew poster 190 00:09:57,929 --> 00:10:00,399 because bachelors never hang their posters straight. 191 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,837 Yeah, no offense, Quagmire, 192 00:10:01,937 --> 00:10:03,005 but I'm gonna listen to this story 193 00:10:03,005 --> 00:10:05,143 the same way I do most podcasts-- 194 00:10:05,243 --> 00:10:07,080 at 1.5 speed. 195 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,717 I'd put on some weight 196 00:10:08,717 --> 00:10:10,353 from being in an abusive relationship with a woman-- 197 00:10:10,353 --> 00:10:12,023 - Mama Celeste. - Abbondanza. 198 00:10:12,023 --> 00:10:13,861 All right, okay. Ba-Back to normal speed. 199 00:10:13,861 --> 00:10:15,597 I-I'm in. I'm hooked. 200 00:10:16,666 --> 00:10:18,737 The other thing about living in the '80s is that, 201 00:10:18,737 --> 00:10:20,874 wherever you went, the actual Pointer Sisters 202 00:10:20,874 --> 00:10:22,779 would follow you around, singing. 203 00:10:22,779 --> 00:10:24,749 ♪ Glenn ♪ 204 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:27,054 ♪ You know this man just mailed a bill ♪ 205 00:10:27,054 --> 00:10:28,256 ♪ To Sprint ♪ 206 00:10:28,389 --> 00:10:29,659 ♪ It's for his phone ♪ 207 00:10:29,659 --> 00:10:31,395 ♪ A landline phone. ♪ 208 00:10:32,164 --> 00:10:33,934 I knew I needed to get in shape, 209 00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:36,405 but the only forms of exercise in the '80s were 210 00:10:36,405 --> 00:10:38,076 roller-skating on a dance floor 211 00:10:38,076 --> 00:10:41,282 or lugging around your dead boss to use his vacation home. 212 00:10:42,217 --> 00:10:44,254 Back then, there were two things I liked: 213 00:10:44,254 --> 00:10:45,625 gyrating my pelvis 214 00:10:45,625 --> 00:10:47,093 and putting vowels next to each other 215 00:10:47,093 --> 00:10:48,798 that weren't normally next to each other. 216 00:10:48,798 --> 00:10:50,200 I combined those two loves 217 00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:52,672 to create something called "aerobics." 218 00:10:52,672 --> 00:10:53,840 Welcome aboard. 219 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,744 Here's your complimentary headband, 220 00:10:55,844 --> 00:10:58,750 two wristbands, waistband, thigh band, another headband. 221 00:10:58,850 --> 00:11:00,420 There were a lot of bands. 222 00:11:00,521 --> 00:11:02,825 Yeah, my finger's hovering over that 1.5 button. 223 00:11:02,926 --> 00:11:04,261 Yeah, okay, okay, okay. 224 00:11:04,361 --> 00:11:06,800 So I started teaching classes that same week. 225 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,637 I even created an advanced class 226 00:11:08,637 --> 00:11:10,774 based on how your body moves during sex. 227 00:11:10,774 --> 00:11:12,879 I called it "Sexercise." 228 00:11:18,924 --> 00:11:20,828 And things took off immediately 229 00:11:20,928 --> 00:11:24,167 because I gave 1980s women exactly what they wanted: 230 00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:26,005 long, flat butts. 231 00:11:26,105 --> 00:11:28,443 Come on, ladies. Longer! Flatter! 232 00:11:28,544 --> 00:11:30,379 My workout program was a hit, 233 00:11:30,379 --> 00:11:32,985 and soon I was ready to take it national. 234 00:11:32,985 --> 00:11:34,488 I was lucky enough to get the chance to announce 235 00:11:34,488 --> 00:11:36,893 the filming of my video on The Tonight Show with Johnny. 236 00:11:36,994 --> 00:11:39,164 Wow! You met Johnny Carson? 237 00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,636 Actually, that particular night there was a guest host, 238 00:11:41,636 --> 00:11:43,874 John Davidson, star of That's Incredible! 239 00:11:43,974 --> 00:11:46,011 So, you know, different Johnny but still Johnny. 240 00:11:46,111 --> 00:11:48,551 No one has ever called John Davidson "Johnny." 241 00:11:48,651 --> 00:11:51,455 He guest-hosted 87 times. That's not nothing. 242 00:11:51,455 --> 00:11:53,994 Anyway, the night's first guest was Jane Fonda, 243 00:11:54,094 --> 00:11:55,764 who was promoting 9 to 5, 244 00:11:55,864 --> 00:11:58,503 by far the blousiest movie of the 1980s. 245 00:11:58,503 --> 00:12:00,240 So, Glenn Quagmire. 246 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,208 It says here you created 247 00:12:01,308 --> 00:12:03,914 an exercise craze called "aerobics." 248 00:12:04,014 --> 00:12:07,086 - What inspired that? - Well, John... ny, 249 00:12:07,186 --> 00:12:09,925 one day as I did jumping jacks alone in my apartment, 250 00:12:09,925 --> 00:12:12,464 I thought, "How can I take the worst parts of this 251 00:12:12,464 --> 00:12:13,900 "and put it in a public setting? 252 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,840 Plus a wall of mirrors and street-facing windows." 253 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,710 The interview seemed to go great. 254 00:12:18,710 --> 00:12:20,079 But the next day, 255 00:12:20,079 --> 00:12:23,419 I realized how truly ruthless Jane Fonda was. 256 00:12:26,993 --> 00:12:30,668 Now, Mr. Quagmire, an important part of releasing a 1980s video 257 00:12:30,668 --> 00:12:34,008 is the incredibly depressing production logo it opens with. 258 00:12:34,108 --> 00:12:35,844 I have a few here to choose from. 259 00:12:35,844 --> 00:12:38,082 First is some vibrating rainbow text 260 00:12:38,182 --> 00:12:40,420 that never quite comes into focus. 261 00:12:44,261 --> 00:12:45,229 Uh-huh, love that. 262 00:12:45,229 --> 00:12:47,702 This one is just a large bouncing "V" 263 00:12:47,802 --> 00:12:49,806 with an ominous keyboard noise. 264 00:12:54,247 --> 00:12:55,083 Also excellent. 265 00:12:55,183 --> 00:12:57,287 Or here's three capital letters 266 00:12:57,287 --> 00:13:00,259 all spelled with one thick, continuous line 267 00:13:00,359 --> 00:13:02,030 atop a digital horizon. 268 00:13:06,338 --> 00:13:08,977 Wow, you can't miss. Let's go with all three. 269 00:13:09,779 --> 00:13:11,716 Wait a minute. What's-what's going on? 270 00:13:11,716 --> 00:13:12,919 Where are my leg warmers? 271 00:13:12,919 --> 00:13:14,822 Back then, leg warmers were essential 272 00:13:14,922 --> 00:13:16,392 because that was, by far, 273 00:13:16,392 --> 00:13:18,530 the coldest decade from the knee down. 274 00:13:18,530 --> 00:13:20,266 Did someone take my leg warmers? 275 00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:24,174 In place of my leg warmers, I found only a single note. 276 00:13:27,047 --> 00:13:27,982 At first, I assumed 277 00:13:27,982 --> 00:13:30,120 Jodie Foster had stolen my leg warmers, 278 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,357 and I was about to go take it out on the president. 279 00:13:32,357 --> 00:13:35,196 But then I realized it could only have been one person intent 280 00:13:35,196 --> 00:13:39,104 on sabotaging me-- Jane Fonda. 281 00:13:39,104 --> 00:13:41,677 I tried my best to soldier on. 282 00:13:41,677 --> 00:13:42,745 Okay, don't look at my legs. 283 00:13:42,745 --> 00:13:45,417 And one, and two... My calves are tiny and cold. 284 00:13:45,417 --> 00:13:46,786 And three, and four... 285 00:13:46,886 --> 00:13:48,524 But I knew, even in the moment, 286 00:13:48,624 --> 00:13:50,326 it was gonna be a disaster. 287 00:13:59,746 --> 00:14:02,150 I never stood a chance. 288 00:14:06,158 --> 00:14:07,995 Hello, Glenn. 289 00:14:07,995 --> 00:14:11,001 Sorry you failed, but... like they say, 290 00:14:11,001 --> 00:14:13,038 all's fair in love and aerobics. 291 00:14:13,138 --> 00:14:15,042 Who? Who says that? Nobody. 292 00:14:15,142 --> 00:14:17,648 God, now I get why everyone's racist uncle hates you. 293 00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:21,054 Well, it's been nice chatting, but if you'll excuse me, 294 00:14:21,054 --> 00:14:22,791 I have to go lobby our nation 295 00:14:22,891 --> 00:14:24,696 about cleaning up the mess we made in Vietnam. 296 00:14:24,696 --> 00:14:26,967 Sorry, I went ahead and hit the eight-X. 297 00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:30,206 No, you-you-you did the, you did the right thing, Peter. 298 00:14:45,036 --> 00:14:47,106 Well, as far as dream jobs go, 299 00:14:47,206 --> 00:14:50,313 mine's always been to do what you do, Joe, to be a cop. 300 00:14:50,413 --> 00:14:52,484 But, you know, one day short of retirement, 301 00:14:52,585 --> 00:14:54,722 since y'all got such a nice benefits package. 302 00:14:54,722 --> 00:14:59,064 Huh. Well, my dream job is to do pretty much what I do now 303 00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:01,101 but be, like, a loose cannon type cop 304 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,039 who doesn't care whether he lives or dies 305 00:15:03,039 --> 00:15:04,842 but can definitely walk. 306 00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,921 It was my last day on the job, 307 00:15:10,921 --> 00:15:13,493 and I'd just taken my last office dump 308 00:15:13,493 --> 00:15:14,962 when I was called into the chief's office. 309 00:15:15,063 --> 00:15:17,668 Morning, sir. You wanted to see me? 310 00:15:17,668 --> 00:15:18,938 That's right. We've been tracking 311 00:15:18,938 --> 00:15:20,440 a notorious drug cartel 312 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,611 that's been bringing tons of cocaine into L.A. 313 00:15:22,611 --> 00:15:26,452 Yes, cocaine has been ravaging the Black community for years. 314 00:15:26,452 --> 00:15:29,057 Yeah, well, some white girl got a minor nosebleed, 315 00:15:29,057 --> 00:15:31,428 so now I guess it's, like, a big frickin' deal. 316 00:15:31,428 --> 00:15:33,767 In fact, last night, there was a huge bust. 317 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,269 Wow, how much was it? 318 00:15:35,269 --> 00:15:37,207 And remember, we measure cocaine-- 319 00:15:37,207 --> 00:15:39,812 and nothing else-- in only kilos. 320 00:15:39,812 --> 00:15:42,083 - I don't know, 80 pounds? - Huh? 321 00:15:42,083 --> 00:15:43,419 Like, 36 kilos. 322 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,292 Oh, my God! That's too much kilos! 323 00:15:46,292 --> 00:15:48,362 Oh, I'm also assigning you a new partner. 324 00:15:48,462 --> 00:15:50,634 But don't worry, I know you're nearing retirement 325 00:15:50,734 --> 00:15:52,070 and want a stable situation, 326 00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:55,109 so I'm hooking you up with a guy named Sergeant Maniac. 327 00:15:55,109 --> 00:15:57,413 How you doing? I'm a crazy wild card 328 00:15:57,413 --> 00:16:01,021 as indicated by my only right now timely mullet. 329 00:16:01,121 --> 00:16:04,193 Hmm. You ain't dressed like a police detective. 330 00:16:04,294 --> 00:16:06,866 Well, I know we're gonna be running around chasing bad guys, 331 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:09,304 so I wore the tightest jeans I own. 332 00:16:09,304 --> 00:16:11,141 Hi-ya! Hi-ya! 333 00:16:11,141 --> 00:16:13,881 Hey, why don't you come on out to my beachside trailer 334 00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:16,018 to, uh, discuss the case? 335 00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:17,287 Sure. Where is it? 336 00:16:17,387 --> 00:16:20,026 Eh, not in Malibu-- they wouldn't allow it-- 337 00:16:20,126 --> 00:16:22,565 but one of those garbage beaches further north, 338 00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:25,336 way past Moonshadows, which is, like, the perfect place 339 00:16:25,336 --> 00:16:27,908 to get drunk and tell everybody who's responsible 340 00:16:27,908 --> 00:16:29,746 for all the world's wars. 341 00:16:32,552 --> 00:16:36,526 I soon realized my new partner had serious issues. 342 00:16:36,526 --> 00:16:39,799 He didn't care what kind of dangerous stuff he did. 343 00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:41,603 Hello? 344 00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:44,976 You're calling from "credit card services"? 345 00:16:44,976 --> 00:16:47,179 Great, I'll tell you my Social Security number, 346 00:16:47,179 --> 00:16:49,618 and you tell me if it matches what you have there. 347 00:16:49,618 --> 00:16:51,689 Man is insane. 348 00:16:51,689 --> 00:16:54,862 Okay, and, uh, don't laugh at my mother's maiden name. 349 00:16:54,962 --> 00:16:56,566 It's kind of a goofy one. 350 00:16:56,666 --> 00:17:00,240 Tinkleman. [laughing] Yeah. It's like... like pee. 351 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,945 I thought we were gonna discuss the case. 352 00:17:03,045 --> 00:17:04,849 Right. I'll be ready in one minute, but first, 353 00:17:04,849 --> 00:17:08,422 I've been asked to make sure women come see the movie, too. 354 00:17:13,934 --> 00:17:17,842 So my crazy partner and I set out to solve the case 355 00:17:17,842 --> 00:17:19,712 and began by looking for Leeds, 356 00:17:19,712 --> 00:17:22,049 which was a somewhat popular mattress store, 357 00:17:22,149 --> 00:17:23,853 where if you said you were a potential customer, 358 00:17:23,853 --> 00:17:26,726 they'd let you take a nap in the middle of the day. 359 00:17:26,726 --> 00:17:27,928 Sorry, guys. 360 00:17:28,028 --> 00:17:29,732 My manager says you have to leave. 361 00:17:29,732 --> 00:17:33,172 Leave? But my partner and I are trying out this queen bed. 362 00:17:33,172 --> 00:17:35,911 What are you giggling at? 363 00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:37,982 We're partners on the police force. 364 00:17:37,982 --> 00:17:40,253 This guy's wearing jeans with no underwear. 365 00:17:40,253 --> 00:17:42,858 Yeah, you're cops. Sure. 366 00:17:45,931 --> 00:17:47,802 You guys are no closer to figuring out 367 00:17:47,802 --> 00:17:50,339 who's responsible for bringing in all this cocaine. 368 00:17:50,339 --> 00:17:51,843 I got a pretty good idea. 369 00:17:51,843 --> 00:17:54,848 Have you checked Temple Shalom Yisrael in Brentwood? 370 00:17:54,848 --> 00:17:58,189 It's also where they control the weather and the Oscars. 371 00:17:58,189 --> 00:18:00,561 That's it. You guys are off the case. 372 00:18:02,731 --> 00:18:04,569 Since we'd been thrown off the case, 373 00:18:04,569 --> 00:18:06,973 I thought it'd be nice to invite my partner over 374 00:18:07,073 --> 00:18:09,277 - for a home-cooked meal. - Huh. 375 00:18:09,377 --> 00:18:11,014 You don't have a pitcher of iced tea? 376 00:18:11,148 --> 00:18:12,651 I thought every Black family dinner 377 00:18:12,651 --> 00:18:14,154 had a pitcher of iced tea. 378 00:18:14,254 --> 00:18:16,325 We do have a picture of Ice-T, 379 00:18:16,325 --> 00:18:18,329 right up there on the wall. 380 00:18:18,329 --> 00:18:19,898 Attention, all units, be advised 381 00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:21,736 of a possible drug deal at the dock. 382 00:18:21,736 --> 00:18:23,138 That's not far from here. 383 00:18:23,239 --> 00:18:25,476 No way. We were taken off that case. 384 00:18:25,476 --> 00:18:29,117 Yeah, but we can be there before even the closest patrol car. 385 00:18:46,819 --> 00:18:49,157 There, look. Quick, pull over and let me out. 386 00:18:49,257 --> 00:18:51,462 - What? - I'm gonna run the rest of the way. 387 00:18:51,462 --> 00:18:53,767 I assure you the car will be faster. 388 00:18:53,767 --> 00:18:54,769 See you there. 389 00:19:06,525 --> 00:19:08,295 Been waiting here for six minutes. 390 00:19:08,295 --> 00:19:11,936 Okay, okay, okay, so, six-minute mile. 391 00:19:12,036 --> 00:19:13,707 Not bad for jeans and no underpants. 392 00:19:13,707 --> 00:19:17,246 You got any glovebox Vaseline in there? 393 00:19:19,885 --> 00:19:22,256 It's the chief. What the hell? 394 00:19:30,339 --> 00:19:31,876 The chief has been the mastermind 395 00:19:31,876 --> 00:19:34,448 of the cocaine cartel all along. 396 00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:37,755 That might explain why he always calls me at 3:00 a.m. 397 00:19:37,755 --> 00:19:39,792 with screenplay ideas. 398 00:19:43,331 --> 00:19:44,969 Hello? 399 00:19:45,069 --> 00:19:46,238 Okay, hear me out. 400 00:19:46,238 --> 00:19:48,342 It's Die Hard, but in a building. 401 00:19:48,342 --> 00:19:50,747 Die Hard is in a building. 402 00:19:50,747 --> 00:19:53,185 Hmm, I don't know. Here, listen to me watch it, 403 00:19:53,185 --> 00:19:54,487 and we'll find out. 404 00:20:11,488 --> 00:20:14,061 Give it up. You guys can't arrest me anyway. 405 00:20:14,061 --> 00:20:17,267 I have diplomatic immunity. 406 00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:20,239 - You do? - On what basis? 407 00:20:20,239 --> 00:20:22,376 Yeah, I'm a citizen of Margaritaville. 408 00:20:22,376 --> 00:20:25,249 I even have this hat from a recent vacation to prove it. 409 00:20:25,249 --> 00:20:27,655 Too bad. 410 00:20:27,755 --> 00:20:31,996 Your diplomatic immunity's just been revoked. 411 00:20:35,637 --> 00:20:37,875 The officer's actions, while illegal, 412 00:20:37,875 --> 00:20:41,549 were justified by a snappy line. Movie over. 413 00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:46,892 I was also a producer on this project.