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00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,929
♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:35,015 --> 00:00:38,141
♪ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ♪
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00:00:38,310 --> 00:00:41,853
♪ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:41,938 --> 00:00:44,856
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ all the things that make us ♪
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♪ laugh and cry ♪
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♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪
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Boy, everybody's here.
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00:01:08,089 --> 00:01:09,464
Why do you think
we're gathering?
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This isn't about the soiled
pants in the toilet, right?
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'cause I hadn't heard
about that.
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Good morning, employees.
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As some of you can tell
by my face,
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00:01:16,973 --> 00:01:18,306
I have some exciting news.
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00:01:18,391 --> 00:01:21,017
But first, a pair of husky-size
green pants were found
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In the men's room,
positively destroyed.
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(whispers): That's what
I hadn't heard about.
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Now the exciting news.
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00:01:26,942 --> 00:01:29,192
The brewery is transitioning
to an open floor plan
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And will be called
the pawtucket patriot campus.
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00:01:31,988 --> 00:01:34,739
To help explain the transition
to our futuristic workplace,
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I'd like to share a video
from our investor,
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00:01:36,868 --> 00:01:39,994
The confusingly charismatic
wework lunatic.
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Hey, I'm the guy from wework.
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My foremost goal is
to facilitate
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An experiential bandwidth
of synergy.
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Hammock desks,
scooter desks,
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And the world's first desk-desk.
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The only desk that
functions as a working desk.
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I have been the wework lunatic,
please don't google me.
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Our new office will also have
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A lady chef
who only makes vegan food,
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00:02:01,768 --> 00:02:04,185
Pinball machines,
and nursing pods.
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00:02:04,271 --> 00:02:07,188
Lastly, as we transition
to our new open floor plan,
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The brewery will be closed
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For the next two months
for construction.
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Yes, griffin?
40
00:02:11,569 --> 00:02:15,446
Are the nursing pods,
l-like, for anyone?
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00:02:19,369 --> 00:02:21,286
If I ordered
a whole cornish game hen,
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Would anyone have any?
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I'm in for a wing.
What's the occasion?
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I just found out
the brewery's closing
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So they can turn it into
the kind of workplace
46
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You only see on tv shows.
47
00:02:29,963 --> 00:02:31,587
Work's been crazy for me, too.
48
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:33,840
We have this case--
guy died on his birthday,
49
00:02:33,925 --> 00:02:35,383
And-- get this--
his family had gotten him
50
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An ice cream cake.
51
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You know, the kind
with ice cream inside
52
00:02:38,638 --> 00:02:39,762
As the cake part?
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00:02:39,889 --> 00:02:41,556
(laughs)
54
00:02:41,641 --> 00:02:44,225
Wild stuff.
So I'm at the scene...
55
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This story is already
too complicated and boring.
56
00:02:46,271 --> 00:02:47,353
Peter, take over.
57
00:02:47,439 --> 00:02:49,063
My amazon guy
once delivered batteries
58
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-To pat sajak.
-No way!
59
00:02:51,401 --> 00:02:53,609
How did he know there were
batteries in the box?
60
00:02:53,778 --> 00:02:55,111
You know,
whenever they ship a battery,
61
00:02:55,238 --> 00:02:57,030
They got to put that little
warning label on the box?
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That's how.
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00:02:58,742 --> 00:03:00,575
It could've just been something
with a battery in it.
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00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:02,535
No, he said
he shook it real hard.
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00:03:02,704 --> 00:03:04,537
I-I think
the focus of this story is
66
00:03:04,622 --> 00:03:06,748
More pat sajak than
the battery part.
67
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Hold on. There's no way
that story was better than mine.
68
00:03:12,505 --> 00:03:14,672
Hey, brian. What's all this?
69
00:03:14,758 --> 00:03:16,424
Oh, just following
in the rich tradition
70
00:03:16,509 --> 00:03:18,051
Of hemingway and faulkner
71
00:03:18,169 --> 00:03:19,761
And putting a little damage
on the old liver.
72
00:03:19,888 --> 00:03:21,179
Another rosé, brian?
73
00:03:21,306 --> 00:03:22,555
Put a spritz on it.
74
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:26,342
So, is, uh, watching tiktoks
of underage girls
75
00:03:26,394 --> 00:03:28,394
Also part of
your writing process?
76
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:31,647
The best writing happens when
you're not actually writing.
77
00:03:31,775 --> 00:03:33,691
I just wish
my muse would speak to me.
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00:03:33,777 --> 00:03:36,527
I'm having a tough time finding
an idea for my next novel.
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00:03:36,696 --> 00:03:40,031
Well, I'd tell you about
one of my murder cases,
80
00:03:40,116 --> 00:03:42,408
But apparently
I'm a bad storyteller.
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00:03:42,535 --> 00:03:45,411
-Murder case?
-Oh, yeah, we had one last year.
82
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All signs pointed
to the husband.
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00:03:47,791 --> 00:03:49,457
-What happened?
-It was the husband.
84
00:03:49,542 --> 00:03:52,001
You know, we have
a whole file of cases in quahog
85
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That would make great stories.
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A lot of murdered women
out there, bri.
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00:03:56,508 --> 00:03:58,633
Half of them named britney,
half of them named lacey.
88
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That's one piece of advice
I always give young parents:
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00:04:01,304 --> 00:04:02,970
Don't name them
britney or lacey.
90
00:04:03,056 --> 00:04:04,180
Yeah, sad stuff.
91
00:04:04,307 --> 00:04:06,140
You know, true crime is huge
right now.
92
00:04:06,226 --> 00:04:07,642
You could be
sitting on a gold mine.
93
00:04:07,685 --> 00:04:09,102
A gold mine, huh?
94
00:04:09,187 --> 00:04:12,397
And this whole day I thought
it was just a smushed dook.
95
00:04:14,984 --> 00:04:17,193
Announcer (on tv):
We now return to
curb your enthusiasm,
96
00:04:17,278 --> 00:04:20,655
Where jeff garlin just repeats
everything larry says.
97
00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:22,573
So, I put on the shirt.
98
00:04:22,742 --> 00:04:24,492
You put on the shirt!
99
00:04:24,619 --> 00:04:25,910
I paid for it.
100
00:04:25,995 --> 00:04:27,578
You paid for it!
101
00:04:27,747 --> 00:04:29,997
I'm starting to think
you're, uh,
102
00:04:30,125 --> 00:04:32,041
The weakest link in the cast.
103
00:04:32,127 --> 00:04:34,585
Easily the weakest link!
104
00:04:34,671 --> 00:04:37,296
Peter, the bank called
to say we're overdrawn,
105
00:04:37,424 --> 00:04:39,298
And the credit card company
sent us a letter
106
00:04:39,426 --> 00:04:41,551
That just says:
"bitch better have my money."
107
00:04:41,636 --> 00:04:42,802
Visa sent that?
108
00:04:42,929 --> 00:04:44,554
God, they can do
whatever they want in delaware.
109
00:04:44,639 --> 00:04:46,514
Thanks for nothing, sleepy joe.
110
00:04:46,641 --> 00:04:49,308
I wonder if this has anything
to do with me not getting paid
111
00:04:49,394 --> 00:04:51,018
During the brewery renovations.
112
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Wh-what do you mean
"not getting paid"?
113
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,189
Well, preston said
we're all transitioning
114
00:04:55,233 --> 00:04:56,899
To being
independent contractors.
115
00:04:56,985 --> 00:04:58,943
The downside is we're losing
our health insurance,
116
00:04:59,028 --> 00:05:01,904
But there's gonna be a pinball
machine in the break room.
117
00:05:01,990 --> 00:05:03,781
Peter, we can't afford
to go two months
118
00:05:03,867 --> 00:05:05,408
Without your paycheck.
119
00:05:05,493 --> 00:05:07,660
You're gonna have to
find a job in the meantime.
120
00:05:07,745 --> 00:05:10,621
Lois, don't worry.
I got it all figured out.
121
00:05:10,748 --> 00:05:13,207
(shoes tapping)
122
00:05:21,843 --> 00:05:23,968
"dear mr. Griffin,
we regret to inform you
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That we cannot offer you
a space."
124
00:05:27,307 --> 00:05:30,475
-(shoes tapping)
-(singsongy): Another big
dance check in the mail.
125
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:34,312
I was just five years away
from three figures a month.
126
00:05:34,439 --> 00:05:36,606
(shoes tapping slowly)
127
00:05:41,988 --> 00:05:43,112
Joe, this stuff is great.
128
00:05:43,239 --> 00:05:45,406
Yep, one man's murdered,
estranged wife
129
00:05:45,492 --> 00:05:46,991
Is another man's treasure.
130
00:05:47,076 --> 00:05:50,286
Brian, I'm gonna have to ask you
to put down the severed limb.
131
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I brought this from home.
132
00:05:51,998 --> 00:05:53,831
Drop it. Drop it!
133
00:05:53,917 --> 00:05:57,001
Ah, damn it, you said "drop it,"
so now I got to drop it.
134
00:05:57,128 --> 00:05:59,879
You know, we should team up
and write a true crime novel.
135
00:06:00,006 --> 00:06:01,130
You don't happen to have
any cases
136
00:06:01,216 --> 00:06:03,007
Featuring pretty blonde women,
do you?
137
00:06:03,176 --> 00:06:04,550
No, those get solved
pretty quickly.
138
00:06:04,677 --> 00:06:07,762
This victim was brunette
and a little heavy.
139
00:06:07,889 --> 00:06:09,347
Okay, getting warmer.
140
00:06:09,432 --> 00:06:12,183
We'll just change a few
key details so people care.
141
00:06:12,268 --> 00:06:14,185
Gutierrez?
Nope, gordon.
142
00:06:14,303 --> 00:06:16,145
Murdered on
an indian reservation?
143
00:06:16,231 --> 00:06:17,522
Let's try beverly hills.
144
00:06:17,690 --> 00:06:20,358
I'm thinking we go novel,
podcast, docuseries,
145
00:06:20,443 --> 00:06:22,276
Then full-blown blockbuster.
146
00:06:22,362 --> 00:06:25,071
But we'd also be doing this
for the families, right?
147
00:06:25,156 --> 00:06:26,564
Is that a new
streaming platform?
148
00:06:26,616 --> 00:06:28,324
No, like, the families
of the victims?
149
00:06:28,409 --> 00:06:29,575
Oh, right. Yeah, sure.
150
00:06:29,786 --> 00:06:32,161
In fact, we'll give them
a sliver of the proceeds.
151
00:06:32,330 --> 00:06:34,288
And I'll give
the fictional version
152
00:06:34,374 --> 00:06:35,873
Of their daughter bigger boobs.
153
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,542
Like-like real heavy naturals.
154
00:06:37,585 --> 00:06:40,836
Oh, yeah, that sounds
like a good compromise.
155
00:06:44,759 --> 00:06:46,467
Your special cart, mrs. G.
156
00:06:46,553 --> 00:06:49,095
Just gave the wheels
a fresh coat of wd-40.
157
00:06:49,180 --> 00:06:51,472
Why, thank you, james.
158
00:06:52,642 --> 00:06:55,851
Oh, roberto, if you weren't
missing half an arm,
159
00:06:55,979 --> 00:06:57,270
I'd definitely consider it.
160
00:06:57,355 --> 00:06:59,897
Oh, how's the 6029s today, hmm?
161
00:07:00,024 --> 00:07:02,275
Oh, mrs. Lois, very fresh.
162
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,026
What's she talking about, mommy?
163
00:07:04,153 --> 00:07:05,861
(laughs) kale, dear.
164
00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:08,489
It's insider speak for kale.
165
00:07:14,205 --> 00:07:15,997
That can't possibly be a thing.
166
00:07:16,082 --> 00:07:18,624
Let me just find someone
to make sure.
167
00:07:21,045 --> 00:07:24,338
Oh, looks like someone
got pulled from the night shift
168
00:07:24,424 --> 00:07:27,133
'cause I've never seen
this free sample.
169
00:07:28,553 --> 00:07:30,845
-Peter?!
-Man (over speakers):
Ladies and gentlemen,
170
00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:32,722
We have a plot twist
on aisle four.
171
00:07:32,890 --> 00:07:35,391
I'm the assistant manager
who thinks work should be fun,
172
00:07:35,476 --> 00:07:37,518
And definitely not
a corporate spy
173
00:07:37,687 --> 00:07:39,270
Here to keep unions
from forming.
174
00:07:39,397 --> 00:07:41,105
But now that
we're talking about it,
175
00:07:41,232 --> 00:07:42,565
Can you imagine
if you had a grievance
176
00:07:42,650 --> 00:07:44,609
And couldn't talk to me
directly?
177
00:07:44,736 --> 00:07:46,068
Anyway, I'm elliot,
178
00:07:46,154 --> 00:07:47,528
And I'm paying close attention
179
00:07:47,614 --> 00:07:49,864
To who posts what
on the break room cork board.
180
00:08:22,590 --> 00:08:25,289
♪i've got home internet
from t-mobile.♪
181
00:08:26,025 --> 00:08:28,856
♪it only costs $50 bucks
at t-mobile.♪
182
00:08:29,691 --> 00:08:31,523
♪just one cord to set up.♪
183
00:08:31,525 --> 00:08:34,556
♪say goodbye to that truck.♪
184
00:08:34,558 --> 00:08:37,289
♪oh, what a beautiful
mornin'...♪
185
00:08:37,291 --> 00:08:39,989
♪oh, what a beautiful day...♪
186
00:08:41,158 --> 00:08:44,589
♪they won't raise your rates
at t-mobile...♪
187
00:08:44,591 --> 00:08:47,289
♪you'll get a great deal
every day!♪
188
00:08:47,291 --> 00:08:48,589
Home internet from t-mobile...
189
00:08:48,591 --> 00:08:49,889
Just $50 bucks a month.
190
00:09:25,883 --> 00:09:27,383
Peter, what are you doing here?
191
00:09:27,510 --> 00:09:29,134
You told me to get a job,
and they were hiring.
192
00:09:29,262 --> 00:09:30,094
I love it here!
193
00:09:30,221 --> 00:09:31,262
Plus, they let me joke around
194
00:09:31,347 --> 00:09:33,555
With the wells fargo guys
who work here.
195
00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:36,392
Yes, I'd like to make
a deposit, please.
196
00:09:36,477 --> 00:09:39,270
Is it another 100 grand
chocolate bar?
197
00:09:39,355 --> 00:09:41,230
Okay, so I've had you before.
198
00:09:41,274 --> 00:09:44,191
Peter, the grocery store is
kind of my domain.
199
00:09:44,277 --> 00:09:46,068
While I'm glad you got a job,
200
00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:47,987
I don't love
that you got one here.
201
00:09:48,072 --> 00:09:49,446
Don't worry.
You won't even know I'm here.
202
00:09:49,573 --> 00:09:50,990
Unless you're
near the front door,
203
00:09:51,075 --> 00:09:52,825
Which I can open
with the force.
204
00:09:52,910 --> 00:09:54,994
Excuse me,
where are the peanuts?
205
00:09:55,079 --> 00:09:56,412
Aisle seven.
206
00:09:56,539 --> 00:09:58,497
Peter, peanuts are on aisle two.
207
00:09:58,582 --> 00:09:59,748
Eh, I just tell 'em
whatever number,
208
00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:02,293
And then I disappear
into the produce mist.
209
00:10:04,046 --> 00:10:05,587
Peter? Peter?
210
00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:10,509
Peter (echoing):
There was never peter,
only loose carrots.
211
00:10:13,306 --> 00:10:16,265
The body was discovered
around 9:00 p.M.
212
00:10:16,392 --> 00:10:19,226
Unfortunately, I couldn't
make it down to the crime scene
213
00:10:19,312 --> 00:10:20,769
Because there were no ramps.
214
00:10:20,855 --> 00:10:22,229
Okay, I'm gonna write:
215
00:10:22,315 --> 00:10:24,189
"tonight,
all the streets in this town
216
00:10:24,275 --> 00:10:25,691
Were a dead end."
217
00:10:25,776 --> 00:10:27,234
I never saw the body.
218
00:10:27,278 --> 00:10:29,361
It was cold,
so they sent me on a coffee run.
219
00:10:29,488 --> 00:10:31,530
My lap can
accommodate two trays,
220
00:10:31,657 --> 00:10:33,115
And I can't feel the spills.
221
00:10:33,242 --> 00:10:36,201
"she was found in a creek,
her bosoms frozen solid."
222
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:39,913
She was a heavyset 60-something
in welder's coveralls.
223
00:10:39,999 --> 00:10:42,416
"no one from beverly hills
had ever been strangled
224
00:10:42,501 --> 00:10:44,335
By their own cheerleader skirt
before."
225
00:10:44,462 --> 00:10:45,753
(gasps)
226
00:10:45,921 --> 00:10:48,756
Wow, I can't believe I'm seeing
how the sausage is made.
227
00:10:48,841 --> 00:10:52,259
Hey, so when you open a book
and you see "random house,"
228
00:10:52,345 --> 00:10:54,386
Is that something
we come up with?
229
00:10:54,430 --> 00:10:57,139
Uh, no, that's-that's
the publisher's name.
230
00:10:57,266 --> 00:10:59,350
I see.
Just drinking it all in.
231
00:10:59,435 --> 00:11:01,477
And what about the list of
cities you see under that name?
232
00:11:01,562 --> 00:11:04,938
Because I was thinking we should
put new york, paris, kokomo.
233
00:11:05,024 --> 00:11:07,358
Those are just the cities
where the publisher has offices.
234
00:11:07,443 --> 00:11:09,234
And kokomo isn't
a real city, joe.
235
00:11:09,362 --> 00:11:11,236
Try telling the beach boys that.
236
00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:13,739
I don't know what our title
should be yet, but beneath it,
237
00:11:13,824 --> 00:11:16,700
It should say: "soon to be
a major motion picture."
238
00:11:16,827 --> 00:11:18,994
I always buy the book
when I see that.
239
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,496
Why don't we just focus
on the writing?
240
00:11:20,623 --> 00:11:21,955
Oh, hey, you ever see books
241
00:11:22,041 --> 00:11:23,957
Where the edges
of the pages are gold?
242
00:11:24,126 --> 00:11:26,502
-Yeah?
-So cool.
243
00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:33,217
What is going on in here?
244
00:11:33,302 --> 00:11:35,260
Who put price tags
on all the cans?
245
00:11:35,346 --> 00:11:37,596
And why is everything
labeled 69 cents?
246
00:11:37,723 --> 00:11:40,933
Peter (muffled):
Griffin family grocery is
currently under renovation.
247
00:11:41,102 --> 00:11:42,976
Please excuse our dust.
248
00:11:43,062 --> 00:11:44,686
Peter? Where are you?
249
00:11:44,772 --> 00:11:47,022
Staring at butts
from behind a one-way mirror.
250
00:11:47,108 --> 00:11:48,899
And why'd you
rearrange everything?
251
00:11:49,026 --> 00:11:50,526
I just want to find my vitamins.
252
00:11:50,653 --> 00:11:53,153
Cupboard four.
No, that's cupboard seven.
253
00:11:53,239 --> 00:11:54,863
No, wrong way.
254
00:11:54,949 --> 00:11:57,116
I'm not...
Is it warmer or colder?
255
00:11:57,201 --> 00:11:59,243
Cupboard four.
Cupboard four.
256
00:12:00,162 --> 00:12:01,703
(alarm blaring)
257
00:12:01,831 --> 00:12:04,123
Ma'am, don't worry,
this happens all the time.
258
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:05,916
I'm sure you have your receipt.
259
00:12:06,001 --> 00:12:07,709
What? No,
I don't have a receipt.
260
00:12:07,795 --> 00:12:10,170
Okay, then, we're just gonna
go to the office,
261
00:12:10,339 --> 00:12:13,424
Call your parents,
and send you on your way.
262
00:12:14,969 --> 00:12:17,094
-Daddy, I just...
-There are gonna be
some changes around here.
263
00:12:17,179 --> 00:12:19,054
First off, no more lipstick.
264
00:12:19,140 --> 00:12:21,890
That's how
all this trouble started.
265
00:12:26,230 --> 00:12:27,312
Okay,
so we just need the ending.
266
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:28,522
Who was the murderer?
267
00:12:28,607 --> 00:12:31,316
Oh, I have no idea.
It's a cold case.
268
00:12:31,402 --> 00:12:33,861
That's what makes 'em cold--
no one knows how to solve 'em.
269
00:12:33,946 --> 00:12:35,112
Well, how do we finish our novel
270
00:12:35,197 --> 00:12:37,573
If we don't know what happened
in real life?
271
00:12:37,658 --> 00:12:39,074
-Ghost cop.
-No.
272
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:40,200
Do you know what this means?
273
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,202
We're gonna put on
our sherlock holmes hats
274
00:12:42,371 --> 00:12:44,371
And solve the murder ourselves?
275
00:12:44,457 --> 00:12:46,832
Deerstalker hats, joe.
But yes.
276
00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:49,543
Stupid nonwriter!
277
00:12:52,381 --> 00:12:54,289
Okay, brian, now,
when you're visiting
278
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:55,841
The family of a deceased victim,
279
00:12:55,968 --> 00:12:57,342
You need to hold a hat
over your chest.
280
00:12:57,428 --> 00:12:58,719
It shows you care.
281
00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:00,888
All I have is this crown
from our burger king lunch.
282
00:13:01,015 --> 00:13:02,306
Hat's a hat.
283
00:13:03,601 --> 00:13:06,393
How can I help you,
officer and your highness?
284
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:10,230
Hi, yes. We're here with many
questions about your daughter.
285
00:13:10,316 --> 00:13:12,024
You know, the dead one?
You-you remember her?
286
00:13:12,109 --> 00:13:13,734
We'd love any details.
287
00:13:13,819 --> 00:13:15,861
Is this some sort of sick joke?
288
00:13:15,946 --> 00:13:17,196
I assure you it's not, ma'am.
289
00:13:17,281 --> 00:13:19,031
We're writing
a future hit novel
290
00:13:19,116 --> 00:13:20,199
Based on your daughter's murder.
291
00:13:20,326 --> 00:13:21,617
We just need to know who did it.
292
00:13:21,660 --> 00:13:24,328
And, between us, it'd be great
if one of you did.
293
00:13:24,413 --> 00:13:26,079
What is this?
What do you want?
294
00:13:26,165 --> 00:13:27,956
Did you know
jonbenét ramsey's dad
295
00:13:28,042 --> 00:13:30,584
Dated natalee holloway's mom?
296
00:13:30,669 --> 00:13:32,169
What does that have to do
with our case?
297
00:13:32,254 --> 00:13:34,087
Well, nothing,
it's just kind of weird, right?
298
00:13:34,173 --> 00:13:37,132
Do you happen to have
any grainy video footage
299
00:13:37,218 --> 00:13:40,219
Of her singing an emotional song
at a talent show?
300
00:13:40,304 --> 00:13:41,720
Maybe green day's
"time of your life"?
301
00:13:41,847 --> 00:13:44,723
That would really bust
this project wide open for us.
302
00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,850
You're both unwell.
303
00:13:48,312 --> 00:13:49,686
Well, that was a bust.
304
00:13:49,813 --> 00:13:52,397
Sorry, I've been holding this in
since burger king.
305
00:13:52,483 --> 00:13:54,358
Oh, seriously? You're just
gonna leave that there?
306
00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:57,152
These people have suffered
a terrible loss.
307
00:13:57,279 --> 00:13:59,404
At least cover it with leaves
or something.
308
00:13:59,573 --> 00:14:00,906
Ugh, fine.
309
00:14:04,578 --> 00:14:06,245
Joe, look.
I found something.
310
00:14:07,206 --> 00:14:09,623
-It's a key to a storage unit.
-How do you know that?
311
00:14:09,708 --> 00:14:12,167
Yeah, me and bonnie have been
doing a fun role-play thing
312
00:14:12,294 --> 00:14:14,211
Where she dresses up
like a sexy maid
313
00:14:14,296 --> 00:14:17,422
And then locks me in a storage
unit while guys come over.
314
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:19,383
-Oh.
-Yeah, it's pretty kinky.
315
00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:22,469
I, uh, I play the role of
a sexy armoire,
316
00:14:22,555 --> 00:14:24,054
Waiting in another room.
317
00:14:24,139 --> 00:14:26,932
Sounds like she just wants you
out of the house for a while.
318
00:14:27,017 --> 00:14:29,351
Nah. No.
319
00:14:34,358 --> 00:14:36,400
It's okay, lois.
It's a big store.
320
00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:38,110
You may not even run into peter.
321
00:14:38,237 --> 00:14:41,154
Good morning.
How much are the mussels?
322
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:43,407
$34 a month
at bally's total fitness.
323
00:14:43,492 --> 00:14:44,866
-(bell chimes)
-peter?
324
00:14:44,994 --> 00:14:46,535
Why are you
behind the fish counter?
325
00:14:46,579 --> 00:14:49,705
I got a promotion,
emphasis on the "otion."
326
00:14:49,832 --> 00:14:51,123
-(bell chimes)
-fine.
327
00:14:51,208 --> 00:14:52,833
What do you got that's fresh?
328
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,376
Well, I got
a teenage son at home.
329
00:14:54,420 --> 00:14:56,295
-What a mouth on that kid.
-(bell chimes)
330
00:14:56,380 --> 00:14:59,131
That's it! You have
ruined groceries for me!
331
00:14:59,258 --> 00:15:01,592
Get the hell out of my store,
you imbecile!
332
00:15:01,677 --> 00:15:04,595
Um, excuse me, miss, did you
just yell at this employee?
333
00:15:04,722 --> 00:15:06,096
You're damn right I did.
334
00:15:06,181 --> 00:15:08,223
He has no business being here.
335
00:15:08,309 --> 00:15:10,851
This man is a member
of the stop 'n shop family.
336
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:13,061
He has every business
being here.
337
00:15:13,147 --> 00:15:15,230
You, on the other hand,
will have to go.
338
00:15:15,357 --> 00:15:16,523
You're banned from the store.
339
00:15:16,609 --> 00:15:18,233
(chuckles nervously):
What? No.
340
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:19,526
Y-you can't do this.
341
00:15:19,612 --> 00:15:21,403
I have shopped here
my whole life.
342
00:15:21,530 --> 00:15:23,488
Yes, we know.
If it's any consolation,
343
00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:25,282
You'll be in
the "in memoriam" section
344
00:15:25,409 --> 00:15:27,200
Of the grocery store oscars.
345
00:15:27,286 --> 00:15:29,077
("I will remember you"
by sarah mclachlan playing)
346
00:15:29,204 --> 00:15:35,042
♪ I will remember you ♪
347
00:15:36,211 --> 00:15:41,256
-♪ will you remember me? ♪
-(cheering)
348
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:45,719
-♪ don't let your life... ♪
-(man coughs)
349
00:15:45,846 --> 00:15:48,680
Lois: No! No, no, no. You can't
put me after betty white.
350
00:15:48,766 --> 00:15:51,058
Didn't brenda vaccaro die
or something?
351
00:15:51,143 --> 00:15:52,643
(gasps) no.
352
00:15:52,728 --> 00:15:55,979
I live here in aisle four
with the kotex tampons.
353
00:15:56,065 --> 00:15:58,106
(wheezing)
354
00:15:58,233 --> 00:15:59,983
Still more absorbent
than the leading brand.
355
00:16:00,110 --> 00:16:01,568
(wheezing)
356
00:17:38,659 --> 00:17:40,493
The worst part is,
I can't even go back
357
00:17:40,620 --> 00:17:42,370
To my favorite grocery store.
358
00:17:42,497 --> 00:17:44,955
I personally think
you should give peter a taste
359
00:17:45,124 --> 00:17:48,501
Of his own medicine and
get a job at his special place.
360
00:17:48,586 --> 00:17:50,503
The men's room at logan airport?
361
00:17:50,546 --> 00:17:52,296
No, the drunken clam.
362
00:17:52,382 --> 00:17:54,590
Oh, okay, 'cause he had
this one experience there
363
00:17:54,717 --> 00:17:56,342
That he still talks about
to this day,
364
00:17:56,427 --> 00:17:59,136
But that is an intriguing idea,
bonnie.
365
00:17:59,263 --> 00:18:00,596
I'm glad you think so.
366
00:18:00,681 --> 00:18:03,265
Well, as white women
in conversation,
367
00:18:03,351 --> 00:18:05,267
We're now obligated
to spend five minutes
368
00:18:05,353 --> 00:18:07,186
Talking about sedona, arizona.
369
00:18:07,313 --> 00:18:08,979
-Oh, I'd love to go.
-I know.
370
00:18:09,065 --> 00:18:12,400
My friend linda got a massage
there after her divorce.
371
00:18:12,527 --> 00:18:14,485
And my friend trish
bought a painting there.
372
00:18:14,570 --> 00:18:16,946
-Oh, we got to go.
-We got to go.
373
00:18:20,743 --> 00:18:23,661
Hey, you two haven't
seen peter, have you?
374
00:18:23,704 --> 00:18:25,704
Asking as a waitress
trying to teach him a lesson
375
00:18:25,790 --> 00:18:28,499
By working at his favorite
place, not as his wife.
376
00:18:28,584 --> 00:18:31,335
Whoa, check out the turd-cutter
on the new chick.
377
00:18:31,421 --> 00:18:33,337
That's right.
I work here now.
378
00:18:33,464 --> 00:18:35,464
I'm gonna be here all the time.
379
00:18:35,550 --> 00:18:37,425
Oh, how does it feel
to have someone invade
380
00:18:37,552 --> 00:18:39,176
Your special space?
381
00:18:39,262 --> 00:18:40,469
It feels great!
382
00:18:40,596 --> 00:18:42,179
Speaking of
invading special places,
383
00:18:42,265 --> 00:18:43,305
How about this?
384
00:18:43,433 --> 00:18:45,349
Hey, sweetie,
when do you get off work?
385
00:18:45,476 --> 00:18:47,726
Me and my wife are more friends
at this point than anything.
386
00:18:47,812 --> 00:18:49,270
Don't get me wrong,
she's a great gal,
387
00:18:49,355 --> 00:18:51,188
Raised my children,
but time takes its toll,
388
00:18:51,315 --> 00:18:52,356
You know what I mean?
389
00:18:52,483 --> 00:18:53,983
What? My wife and I have
an arrangement,
390
00:18:54,110 --> 00:18:56,694
So I'm not doing anything
wrong here, technically.
391
00:18:56,779 --> 00:18:58,737
Ah, well, this isn't working.
392
00:18:58,781 --> 00:19:01,073
If you want to meet me
in my car later,
393
00:19:01,159 --> 00:19:03,534
It's the one with
the "blue lives matter" sticker.
394
00:19:03,619 --> 00:19:06,745
But, like, not for cops,
it's for, it's for grover.
395
00:19:11,002 --> 00:19:12,501
Who's going in first?
396
00:19:12,587 --> 00:19:14,837
Kind of feels like you should
since you're a dog.
397
00:19:14,922 --> 00:19:16,088
Are you scared, joe?
398
00:19:16,215 --> 00:19:18,132
Would a scared person do this?
399
00:19:18,217 --> 00:19:21,093
-(screams)
-not so fast.
400
00:19:21,179 --> 00:19:23,262
(serial theme playing)
401
00:19:23,347 --> 00:19:24,763
Who is that?
402
00:19:24,849 --> 00:19:26,849
I'm guessing
it's the lady from serial.
403
00:19:26,934 --> 00:19:30,478
Oh, I certainly wouldn't
recognize a podcaster visually.
404
00:19:30,646 --> 00:19:33,147
-I'm sarah koenig.
-Big fan of your work.
405
00:19:33,232 --> 00:19:35,858
No one turns another person's
suffering into profit better.
406
00:19:35,985 --> 00:19:39,153
Listen up, I want this case
for my podcast,
407
00:19:39,238 --> 00:19:40,488
So you need to drop it.
408
00:19:40,573 --> 00:19:43,157
And if you don't,
I could make you disappear.
409
00:19:43,242 --> 00:19:45,484
We're sponsored
by casper mattresses.
410
00:19:45,536 --> 00:19:47,912
That wasn't a threat.
I have a code if you want it.
411
00:19:47,997 --> 00:19:50,164
Man:
Stand down, sarah.
412
00:19:50,249 --> 00:19:52,041
I'm keith morrison,
413
00:19:52,168 --> 00:19:54,793
And I want this case
for dateline.
414
00:19:54,921 --> 00:19:58,214
There are only a few hundred
unsolved murders left,
415
00:19:58,299 --> 00:20:02,009
And there's a million
true crime content creators.
416
00:20:02,136 --> 00:20:04,553
My grandson taught me that term.
417
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,640
Who's "okay, boomer" now?
418
00:20:08,726 --> 00:20:11,602
We're npr's team
of women with lisps
419
00:20:11,687 --> 00:20:13,729
And names nobody's ever had,
420
00:20:13,814 --> 00:20:17,608
Like sylvia delgado-smith,
and audie takahashi o'shea.
421
00:20:17,735 --> 00:20:19,693
I'm chris hansen
from to catch a predator,
422
00:20:19,820 --> 00:20:21,862
And I'm just here
in case any of you
423
00:20:21,948 --> 00:20:23,197
Turn out to be pedophiles.
424
00:20:23,282 --> 00:20:25,491
Warm chocolate chip cookie,
anyone?
425
00:20:25,618 --> 00:20:28,202
No! I claimed this cold case
for serial.
426
00:20:28,287 --> 00:20:31,747
Not if I record a dateline
first.
427
00:20:32,250 --> 00:20:34,750
(all grunting)
428
00:20:40,883 --> 00:20:42,633
(choking)
429
00:20:42,718 --> 00:20:44,677
♪ ♪
430
00:20:47,181 --> 00:20:48,556
(screaming)
431
00:20:48,683 --> 00:20:50,599
(grunting)
432
00:20:58,317 --> 00:21:01,610
Please...
Rate and review my life.
433
00:21:01,696 --> 00:21:03,946
And someone take care of my dog
434
00:21:04,031 --> 00:21:06,991
You could usually hear
in the background of my podcast.
435
00:21:07,076 --> 00:21:09,034
(gasping)
436
00:21:09,203 --> 00:21:10,369
(grunting)
437
00:21:11,372 --> 00:21:14,415
A foggy night
at a storage unit in quahog.
438
00:21:14,458 --> 00:21:17,334
The sleepy little town of quahog
439
00:21:17,420 --> 00:21:21,130
Is usually all tucked in
by 10:00 p.M.
440
00:21:21,215 --> 00:21:23,257
(clamoring)
441
00:21:23,342 --> 00:21:25,217
You know what?
We're no better than them.
442
00:21:25,344 --> 00:21:27,094
We've been exploiting
the victim's life
443
00:21:27,179 --> 00:21:28,804
For our own personal gain.
444
00:21:28,889 --> 00:21:31,098
I-I think it's time for us
to abandon writing this book.
445
00:21:31,183 --> 00:21:35,311
Or... Maybe we set it to rap
lyrics and take it to broadway?
446
00:21:35,479 --> 00:21:37,313
I think we're done here.
447
00:21:38,482 --> 00:21:40,316
You know, joe,
even though it didn't work out,
448
00:21:40,443 --> 00:21:42,067
It was nice to spend
some time with someone
449
00:21:42,194 --> 00:21:43,694
Who actually believed
in my writing.
450
00:21:43,779 --> 00:21:47,573
Well, as someone who's never
read a book, I absolutely do.
451
00:21:51,203 --> 00:21:54,330
The waitress from the clam!
Holy crap, has lois seen you?!
452
00:21:54,415 --> 00:21:55,456
We really don't have
an arrangement.
453
00:21:55,583 --> 00:21:56,457
You got to get out of here!
454
00:21:56,584 --> 00:21:58,000
Oh, peter, enough.
455
00:21:58,085 --> 00:22:00,294
-What's the matter?
-You wouldn't understand.
456
00:22:00,338 --> 00:22:02,630
Okay.
457
00:22:04,008 --> 00:22:06,050
I'd get back in there, chief.
458
00:22:07,219 --> 00:22:09,762
(sighs) chris made me come back.
459
00:22:09,847 --> 00:22:12,014
Oh, honey,
the grocery store isn't just
460
00:22:12,099 --> 00:22:14,141
Where I buy food for the family.
461
00:22:14,226 --> 00:22:15,476
It's my escape.
462
00:22:15,561 --> 00:22:17,728
My refuge
from being pestered
463
00:22:17,813 --> 00:22:19,229
With dumb questions
from the kids,
464
00:22:19,315 --> 00:22:20,981
Or having to clean up
your messes.
465
00:22:21,108 --> 00:22:24,318
Sometimes, just a stroll
down the ethnic food aisle
466
00:22:24,403 --> 00:22:26,862
Makes me feel like
I'm in a north african bazaar.
467
00:22:26,989 --> 00:22:28,864
Yeah, I don't like the smells
on that aisle.
468
00:22:29,033 --> 00:22:32,201
-And I don't know,
it's hard to explain, but...
-There's more?!
469
00:22:32,286 --> 00:22:34,870
It's not just
a grocery store to me.
470
00:22:34,955 --> 00:22:37,039
There's a whole
community of people there
471
00:22:37,124 --> 00:22:38,540
Who feel like family.
472
00:22:38,626 --> 00:22:41,001
And now,
now I have nothing.
473
00:22:41,087 --> 00:22:45,214
Aw, lois, I'm so sorry
for ruining your happy place.
474
00:22:45,299 --> 00:22:47,049
And I'm gonna take care of it.
475
00:22:47,134 --> 00:22:49,468
Just like I've been taking care
of that egg since high school.
476
00:22:49,637 --> 00:22:52,429
Oh, my god, I forgot to pick
him up from soccer practice!
477
00:22:53,349 --> 00:22:56,392
Hey, do you need me
to call your yolks?
478
00:22:59,188 --> 00:23:00,771
Look, you got to let lois
come back.
479
00:23:00,856 --> 00:23:03,190
Please remove the ban.
She loves this place.
480
00:23:03,275 --> 00:23:04,441
I'm sorry, but I can't do that.
481
00:23:04,527 --> 00:23:06,902
She yelled at
a mentally-challenged person,
482
00:23:06,987 --> 00:23:08,028
And that's unforgivable.
483
00:23:08,197 --> 00:23:09,571
What?
I'm not mentally challenged.
484
00:23:09,657 --> 00:23:11,490
You're not?
But that's literally
485
00:23:11,575 --> 00:23:13,450
The only reason we hired you.
486
00:23:13,494 --> 00:23:16,954
Would a mentally challenged
person be able to do this?
487
00:23:21,168 --> 00:23:23,502
Your name tag says "big petey."
488
00:23:23,587 --> 00:23:25,587
(scoffs) why do you think
we all gather round
489
00:23:25,715 --> 00:23:27,339
And applaud you while you ride
490
00:23:27,383 --> 00:23:28,966
The coin-operated horse
out front?
491
00:23:29,051 --> 00:23:30,300
'cause I'm good at horses?
492
00:23:30,386 --> 00:23:32,720
Wow. (chuckles)
I really thought...
493
00:23:32,805 --> 00:23:35,097
You know, we don't let
all our employees insist
494
00:23:35,224 --> 00:23:37,975
The customers feel their muscles
after bagging their order.
495
00:23:38,018 --> 00:23:39,226
Right?
496
00:23:39,353 --> 00:23:40,394
Okay, fine.
497
00:23:40,521 --> 00:23:42,354
Lois can come back,
but you're fired.
498
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,189
I need you to turn in
your gun and badge.
499
00:23:44,358 --> 00:23:46,775
Well, I guess
my work here is done.
500
00:23:46,902 --> 00:23:48,569
To the mickey-copter!
501
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:52,364
See, disney?
502
00:23:52,450 --> 00:23:54,533
Nothing here
but respectful synergy.