1 00:00:02,461 --> 00:00:04,712 ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,797 --> 00:00:07,756 ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ 3 00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:11,677 ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:14,680 ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:18,100 ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,270 ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:22,980 ♪ all the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:24,273 ♪ laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:30,195 ♪ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:39,747 I... I don't get it. 11 00:00:39,832 --> 00:00:41,165 You thought this was gonna be 12 00:00:41,292 --> 00:00:43,542 The flea circus from coraline, didn't you? 13 00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:46,170 I'm cursed with optimism. 14 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,468 Oh, yous got a good eye. 15 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,970 That there's a "little ms. Wedgewood" set. 16 00:00:55,056 --> 00:00:57,556 (humming "I'm a little teapot") 17 00:00:57,725 --> 00:01:00,476 ♪ this is my handle, this is my spout ♪ 18 00:01:00,603 --> 00:01:02,561 Well, all the parts seem to be in the right places. 19 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,438 I'll take it. 20 00:01:05,483 --> 00:01:08,150 Holy crap, a vintage mr. Potato head 21 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,694 From the good old days when potatoes were men 22 00:01:10,780 --> 00:01:11,820 And had penises. 23 00:01:11,906 --> 00:01:13,447 Peter, they never had penises. 24 00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:15,699 Well, you could put a nose down there and it kind of worked. 25 00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:17,659 The nostrils were balls, and... 26 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:18,994 And so forth. 27 00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:21,413 That's the very potato I used in medical school 28 00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,957 To learn anatomy. I could let it go for 600. 29 00:01:24,043 --> 00:01:25,959 What are we thinking, lois? Yes? 30 00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:27,961 No, we don't have that kind of money. 31 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:30,589 Fine, I'll buy it with my magic beans. 32 00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:32,216 Those are skittles. 33 00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:35,719 There's no room in this world for dreamers anymore. 34 00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:41,183 Everything okay, dad? 35 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,435 (sighs) just adult stuff, buddy. 36 00:01:43,521 --> 00:01:46,730 Mom wouldn't let me buy a toy I wanted. 37 00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,192 Man (on tv): Do you own a home, but can't afford 38 00:01:50,361 --> 00:01:52,945 The things you need to make your life more comfortable? 39 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,030 Yes. Wait, is that... 40 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:56,698 Hi, I'm tom selleck. 41 00:01:56,826 --> 00:02:00,244 Ask your nurse to turn down your breathing machine for a minute 42 00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:02,371 So I can tell you how a reverse mortgage 43 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,706 From "hey, alright. Reverse mortgages," 44 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,333 Or "harm," can help you. 45 00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:07,793 This seems like a trick. 46 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:11,922 I know this seems like a trick, but it's not a trick. 47 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,132 Oh, that's nice to hear. 48 00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:14,675 But is this his first rodeo? 49 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,261 Look, this isn't my first rodeo. 50 00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:19,138 And I wouldn't be here if I thought 51 00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:21,348 Reverse mortgages would hurt anyone. 52 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,725 Well, I certainly believe magnum p.I., 53 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,811 But it's easy to say this stuff fully standing up. 54 00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:28,981 I wonder if he can half-lean on a fence post and say it? 55 00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:33,235 -(gasps) -do you really want your adult kids 56 00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:35,821 Fighting over your money after you're gone? 57 00:02:35,865 --> 00:02:37,739 Isn't it better to spend it all now 58 00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,575 So they don't have that option? 59 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:42,327 He's making good points. I'll just run this by lois. 60 00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:45,247 Men, please don't run things by your wives. 61 00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:49,168 Just go to "www..." I'm kidding. 62 00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:51,587 Here's a phone number as big as we can put it. 63 00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:53,964 I'm getting my mr. Potato head. 64 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:56,166 But that is a lot of numbers to dial. 65 00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:58,093 Tom: If that's too many numbers to dial, 66 00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,846 Just say, "siri, I'm old." 67 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:02,181 Siri, I'm old. 68 00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:04,641 Siri: Dialing reverse mortgage company. 69 00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:11,148 Stewie? What is all this stuff? 70 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:14,568 It turns out rupert only likes "peppa pig" branded tea sets, 71 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:15,903 Which honestly, I get. 72 00:03:15,988 --> 00:03:18,655 So I sold my tea set at twice what I paid, 73 00:03:18,741 --> 00:03:19,948 Then I bought more stuff to sell. 74 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,034 Really? Was it worth that much? 75 00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:24,995 Oh, sweetie, people have no clue what antiques are worth, 76 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,496 So you just act like you know. 77 00:03:26,582 --> 00:03:29,208 I actually got a booth at the flea market next weekend. 78 00:03:29,335 --> 00:03:31,126 I have to say, I'm weirdly impressed. 79 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:33,587 Yes, who would've thought a strange little guy like me 80 00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:37,123 Could get super into tiny details of old furniture. 81 00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:38,634 Well, if you need any help, I'm in. 82 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:39,968 All right. 83 00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:41,345 -Is that... -Yes, most antiques 84 00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:44,640 Are just racist old packaging from iconic companies. 85 00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:46,683 Well, mostly syrup companies. 86 00:03:46,769 --> 00:03:47,976 Wow, that's very racist. 87 00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:51,063 Yep. Whole-blurry-shelf racist. 88 00:03:55,361 --> 00:03:57,402 I'm mr. Kiki, the swim teacher 89 00:03:57,488 --> 00:04:00,405 Who doesn't have a pool and drives very far 90 00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:03,408 To other people's pools for lessons. 91 00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:07,621 After this lesson, I sit at panera bread 92 00:04:07,665 --> 00:04:08,747 Until traffic dies down. 93 00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:10,332 Announcer: Panera bread. 94 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:11,917 Where swim teachers from other towns 95 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:13,293 Wait out traffic. 96 00:04:13,379 --> 00:04:16,004 Oh, my god, is that the expensive mr. Potato head 97 00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:17,297 From the flea market? 98 00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:19,299 I told you we couldn't afford that. 99 00:04:19,385 --> 00:04:20,842 Don't worry, I got a ton of money. 100 00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:23,011 I even bought a jet ski in lake havasu 101 00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:24,221 In case I ever get out there. 102 00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:25,847 ("angel" by sarah mclachlan playing) 103 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:28,100 ♪ spend all your time waiting... ♪ 104 00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:31,561 Woman: Every year, over 9,000 people 105 00:04:31,689 --> 00:04:35,482 Buy jet skis and then leave them at lake havasu. 106 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:39,611 Last year, over 700 jet skis were rescued 107 00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:42,489 And sent to some of the trashier wisconsin lakes 108 00:04:42,533 --> 00:04:46,076 Where tiny-teeth families gave them new lives. 109 00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:50,122 For hundreds of others, help came too late. 110 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,082 Where did you get all this money? 111 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,126 It was easy. I took out a reverse mortgage, 112 00:04:54,253 --> 00:04:56,461 Which is that thing where your house gives you free money. 113 00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:59,047 Peter, how could you be so stupid? 114 00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:01,842 Reverse mortgages are a total scam. 115 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:04,052 You need to call the bank right away. 116 00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,138 And take that mr. Potato head back. 117 00:05:06,265 --> 00:05:09,474 I can't. I wrote "best spuds 4 life" all over the box. 118 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,311 I almost love the box as much as the guy now. 119 00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,396 Peter, we could lose our house! 120 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:17,482 Relax, lois. Tom selleck made a whole video about that 121 00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:20,068 For the wives, wearing his signature short shorts. 122 00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:21,570 Hello, wives. I'm... 123 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:22,988 Sold. 124 00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:28,118 Now the bank is saying we could lose the house. 125 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:30,412 I can't believe I got duped by tom selleck. 126 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,205 West: Tom selleck? 127 00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:34,708 Well, there's a name I haven't heard in years. 128 00:05:34,877 --> 00:05:37,210 Mayor wild west, you know tom selleck? 129 00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:40,339 Oh, I used to. Many moons ago. 130 00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,381 How many? 131 00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,050 -Many. -Wow. 132 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:45,844 If you fellas would allow me to jaw at you a minute, 133 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,512 I'll spin you a yarn. 134 00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:50,349 Back when we grew younger men's mustaches, 135 00:05:50,434 --> 00:05:52,684 Me and tom carved ourselves out a niche 136 00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:57,272 As a hippie country duo called "cold hard 'stache." 137 00:05:57,399 --> 00:06:00,067 ♪ see a penny, pick it up ♪ 138 00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:02,110 ♪ all the day you'll have to look ♪ 139 00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:05,113 ♪ for its rightful owner ♪ 140 00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:06,907 ♪ that's an honorable day ♪ 141 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:11,453 ♪ looking for its rightful owner. ♪ 142 00:06:12,498 --> 00:06:14,664 (audience cheers) 143 00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:19,127 Yeah, we were the talk of one corner of town. 144 00:06:19,171 --> 00:06:22,089 But as is often the case in these tales, 145 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:24,007 Drugs entered the picture, 146 00:06:24,093 --> 00:06:26,093 And when that trouble arrived, 147 00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:28,011 Well, let's just say ol' tom 148 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,930 Offered it a place to set down. 149 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:32,724 You're playing with fire, kemosabe. 150 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:34,726 (both grunting) 151 00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:43,819 The next day he wrote a song called "walk this way 152 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:49,449 (even if the crosswalk says stop)." 153 00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:50,826 And that's when I knew, 154 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,203 The one-a-day demon had got him. 155 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:57,082 In the end, one-a-day was merely a suggestion. 156 00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:00,210 Nearest I can reckon, he was up to nine or ten a week. 157 00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:03,713 Anyhow, hearing he's peddling reverse mortgages now 158 00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:05,215 Sounds about right. 159 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,092 Do you know what a reverse mortgage is? 160 00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:09,219 Nearest I can figure, it's a loan 161 00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:10,762 That enables the borrower 162 00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:14,015 To access the unencumbered value of their property. 163 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,101 That sounds kind of slick. 164 00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:18,937 Well, the rub is if you can't pay it back, 165 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,939 They can snatch your abode. 166 00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,442 That strikes me as predatory. 167 00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:24,693 Why would tom do this? 168 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,111 He should know better. 169 00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,905 You see, having a mustache is a sacred oath. 170 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,607 I have a mustache. 171 00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:31,575 I'm proud of you. 172 00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:33,326 He can't do this to people. 173 00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:35,704 I am gonna track him down and get the money back. 174 00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:37,205 Mr. Mayor, you're coming with me. 175 00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:40,000 Oh, I'm afraid those days are behind me. 176 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,911 But I wish you the best of luck. 177 00:07:43,005 --> 00:07:44,546 That's fine, I'll go it alone, 178 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,007 Just like meghan markle and prince harry. 179 00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:49,926 Sir, your millions from netflix 180 00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:51,803 For no one knows what. 181 00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:53,430 Put it with the rest of them. 182 00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:54,514 (phone dings) 183 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,892 Babe, time to do our daily 184 00:07:56,977 --> 00:08:00,604 $250,000 sponsored instagram post 185 00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,355 For del taco. 186 00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:05,692 Oh, I shouldn't have left the made-up nonsense. 187 00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:10,363 Well, I'm off to new york city 188 00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:12,491 To find tom selleck and get our money back. 189 00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:14,367 How do you even know he's in new york? 190 00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:16,495 'cause he's on cbs's loudest show, 191 00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,246 Blue bloods, and they film there. 192 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,373 No, peter, you're not going anywhere. 193 00:08:20,459 --> 00:08:22,709 Even for you, this is an absurd plan. 194 00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,711 Ain't nothin' absurd about this. 195 00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:26,880 -Ma'am. -Sold. 196 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:28,965 Mr. Mayor. You came. 197 00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:31,176 That's right. The only thing that can stop 198 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:34,429 A bad guy with a mustache is a good guy with a mustache. 199 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,599 So hop on up, we're taking a trip. 200 00:08:38,894 --> 00:08:41,186 (neighs) 201 00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:43,480 I can't believe we're going to new york city. 202 00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:45,815 I've always wanted to see the twin towers. 203 00:08:45,901 --> 00:08:47,609 (whispers) 204 00:08:47,653 --> 00:08:49,277 (gasps) when? 205 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,205 Look, it's billy joel. 206 00:09:00,332 --> 00:09:02,999 Uhp, no, it's just a drywall guy dressed up for church. 207 00:09:03,085 --> 00:09:06,836 So, is that whole retail establishment just m&ms? 208 00:09:06,922 --> 00:09:08,088 Yes, and bad jackets. 209 00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:10,382 Like, so bad that sinbad wouldn't even wear them. 210 00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,343 Not sure I quite understand new york city. 211 00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:15,512 Oh, well, this is just tv new york. 212 00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:18,098 You can tell 'cause all the cab drivers are impossibly white. 213 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,392 I call this place "the big city," 214 00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:23,103 So you know I've been here a while. 215 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:28,775 Mr. Mayor, allow me to show you my new york. 216 00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:32,237 Your new york is an espn zone? 217 00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:34,990 I-I don't know, I like all the screens. 218 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,409 Peter, look at this. 219 00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:40,328 Black hair dye. 220 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,208 We follow this trail, we find selleck, 221 00:09:45,294 --> 00:09:48,503 Or possibly papa john or rudy giuliani, 222 00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:51,631 But that's a risk we're gonna have to take. 223 00:09:57,306 --> 00:09:59,598 Brian, time to teach you my techniques. 224 00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:00,974 Watch and learn. 225 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,434 You have a good eye. 226 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,936 I just sold a piece by the same artist for 40. 227 00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:07,272 -(whispers): Lie. -That's a little out of my budget. 228 00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:10,442 Well, I'd like 30, but I'd take 25. 229 00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:13,069 (sucks teeth) lowest I could let it go for is 20. 230 00:10:13,155 --> 00:10:14,279 Would you take 11? 231 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,281 Well the frame alone is worth 30. 232 00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:17,699 Highest I can do is 12. 233 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:18,992 Okay, but you got to pay me 234 00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:20,827 Before my wife gets back from the bathroom. 235 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,746 She's gonna kill me over this price. 236 00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:27,208 That's the dance. Give it a try. 237 00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:29,836 Hi, there, uh, how much for this vase? 238 00:10:29,921 --> 00:10:31,713 Five. 239 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,048 What the hell was that? 240 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,507 That's not the dance, man. 241 00:10:34,593 --> 00:10:36,468 You got to put your hands up higher, move around a bit. 242 00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:37,969 My dance is the tango. 243 00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:39,512 You got to find yours. Go ahead. 244 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,973 -Stewie, I'm not doing thi... -Find your dance! 245 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,516 A bolero man. 246 00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,810 Little dirty, but nobody's gonna bleed. 247 00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:48,563 You feel that? That's the bluff. 248 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:49,814 I thought it was "the dance." 249 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,149 Right, but at some point, 250 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,026 The dance becomes the bluff. 251 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,944 Are you just making all this up as you go? 252 00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:56,655 That's the dance, bri. 253 00:10:57,949 --> 00:10:59,866 All right, brian, follow my lead. 254 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,618 "van blunder" time. 255 00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:03,411 Ooh, how much for this? 256 00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:04,204 You're gonna hate me. 257 00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,830 So, everything you see here 258 00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:07,791 Is for sale, except that. 259 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,084 I don't even know how it got out here, 260 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,669 It's supposed to be in the van. 261 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,587 Well, I really like it. 262 00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:14,339 Brian, what did you do? 263 00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:17,092 Oh, boy. That was a blunder on my part. 264 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,719 That's a... That's a... That's a pretty big blunder. 265 00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:21,471 But look how much she loves it. 266 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:22,555 Do you love it? 267 00:11:22,641 --> 00:11:25,350 I do. I can give you $10. 268 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:27,936 Well, I do want it to go to someone who loves it. 269 00:11:28,063 --> 00:11:30,647 I'll tell you what, give me 11, and it's a deal. 270 00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,357 What a blunder. 271 00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:36,194 This is awkward, but y'alls horning in on my turf. 272 00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:39,406 See, "grandma's little loft" is the king of knick-knacks. 273 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,116 Now yous selling 'em. 274 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:42,409 Ha. That's a laugh. 275 00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:43,868 We'd never sell knick-knacks. 276 00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:45,245 We're tchotchke guys. 277 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,956 If yous calling that vintage chatillon dial-face 278 00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,624 Hanging merchant's scale a tchotchke, 279 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,126 Y'alls sicker than I thought. 280 00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:52,752 Says the guy who has his what's-its 281 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,421 Mixed in with his who's-its. 282 00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,005 That's potpourri. 283 00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:59,217 Yous out of your league. That's what's happening here. 284 00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:00,719 You hearing footsteps, gramps? 285 00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:02,429 Hows about a little contest? 286 00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:04,973 Whoever sells the most by end of day tomorrow 287 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,516 Is the flea market champ. 288 00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:10,478 The loser gets out of the game. For good. 289 00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:11,980 Fine, you're on. 290 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,773 And by the way, there was a dead cricket 291 00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:15,191 In the teapot you sold me. 292 00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:18,194 -Oh, no. -I know. 293 00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:23,658 The hair dye trail ends right here. 294 00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:26,953 (doorbell rings) 295 00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:29,914 Wait, only one guy would accept delivery 296 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,250 Of so many hawaiian shirts. 297 00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:35,086 (snoring) 298 00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:37,172 (mustache barking) 299 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:40,133 What is it, boy? 300 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:44,596 Man, I love being paid for reverse mortgages 301 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,389 In hawaiian shirts. 302 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,433 So, it looks like there's a few more 303 00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:50,477 Disgruntled customers down there. 304 00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:55,565 Well, that's a 'stache from the past. 305 00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:57,692 This can't be good. Get in. 306 00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,820 Hey, nypd? 307 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:03,740 Yeah, it's chief whatever- my-character's-name-is 308 00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:04,866 From blue bloods. 309 00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,534 There's a couple of trespassers 310 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:07,994 Outside my house. 311 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,496 (police siren wails) 312 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,166 You guys are under arrest. 313 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,044 -Is this 'cause I rubbed on a lady in the subway? -No. 314 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,087 -'cause I rubbed on a lady on the bus? -No. 315 00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:19,756 Do you do a lot of rubbing on people? 316 00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:22,509 Hey, eight million people, we all got to fit somewhere. 317 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,476 (sighs) 318 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:34,145 I'm sorry for dragging you into this, mr. Mayor. 319 00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:36,773 Lois was right, this was a stupid plan. 320 00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:38,441 Don't beat yourself up, hoss. 321 00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:39,859 When your cause is just, 322 00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,986 Any action you take is honorable. 323 00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:45,824 Besides, fate has a funny way of takin' care of folks. 324 00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,575 (snores) 325 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:57,168 I'd be much obliged if you'd go ahead and open up for me. 326 00:13:57,963 --> 00:13:59,254 How did you do that? 327 00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:00,797 Well, this ain't the first schlage 328 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:03,091 To which I've pitched woo. 329 00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:07,679 Oh, brian, look, 330 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,013 It's this antique's last day 331 00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:10,557 Selling antiques. 332 00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:12,976 You alls can eat my dust. 333 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:14,352 (coughing) 334 00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:17,105 Oh, we got quite a showdown here today 335 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,815 At flea market regionals, jim. 336 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,942 "grandma's little loft" has the experience, 337 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:24,070 But don't count out "the brian, the bitch, and the wardrobe." 338 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,948 And the question we've been hearing the most today: 339 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:29,284 Why does a flea market have announcers? 340 00:14:29,411 --> 00:14:31,202 Well, sometimes major network announcers 341 00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:33,413 Have one too many at a golf tournament 342 00:14:33,582 --> 00:14:34,706 And hit a guy in their car 343 00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,457 And then have to work their way back. 344 00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,544 Hi, do you have any vintage southwestern lifestyle stuff? 345 00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:41,588 Bro, it's 7:30 a.M. 346 00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:43,381 That stuff is long gone by 5:15. 347 00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:45,675 I's about to open a storage container 348 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,927 Fresh from tempe. Come on by. 349 00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,387 -What? -How is that possible? 350 00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:50,972 Announcer: And in crunch time, 351 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,390 The game just slows down 352 00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:55,310 For a veteran booth like "grandma's little loft." 353 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,145 Announcer 2: A large, native american-looking teen 354 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,147 Has grumpily plopped down on a camp chair 355 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,274 With an ipad at bruce's booth. 356 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,192 This guy's on another level. 357 00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:05,236 -There's no way we can catch him. -(rattling) 358 00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:07,447 Announcer: This could be the nail in the coffin 359 00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:09,574 As other booths have started shaking 360 00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:11,826 Their mis-prescribed opiates in salute. 361 00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:13,661 Announcer 2: They call that the "battle rattle," 362 00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:16,581 And it's the ultimate flea market show of respect. 363 00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,666 This one's all but over. 364 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,922 Welcome back to flea market regionals, 365 00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:25,340 Brought to you by warm coke. 366 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,468 Warm coke: Sometimes they're just warm. 367 00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:30,094 Announcer 2: "grandma's little loft" 368 00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:32,931 Is putting the finishing touches on a dominant win. 369 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,140 Hey, we got lots of great 370 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,851 One-of-a-kind stuff here. Please. 371 00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:39,771 Announcer: And, of course, the old guy who last-minute decides 372 00:15:39,898 --> 00:15:42,774 He wants to keep his stuff has never really been a factor. 373 00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:44,734 Announcer 2: For him, it's more about telling people 374 00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:46,361 Where he got the stuff. 375 00:15:46,488 --> 00:15:48,821 (sighs) well, we gave it a good shot, 376 00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:50,365 But we're not gonna catch bruce. 377 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,991 I guess we should go tell him he won. 378 00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:54,535 Announcer: Hold the phone. Looks like we got a guy 379 00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:57,497 Bringing his home trash to the flea market garbage can. 380 00:15:57,582 --> 00:15:59,540 Announcer 2: And this is where the lone garbage can 381 00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:01,960 Being right by "grandma's little loft" 382 00:16:02,087 --> 00:16:03,252 Could come into play. 383 00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:04,837 Announcer: Sure looks like a bag 384 00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:07,298 Of mostly full diapers and half-eaten burritos. 385 00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:09,676 Announcer 2: And that's just a bee's dream bag. 386 00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,803 Hey, we just wanted to say, you wo... 387 00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:14,722 -(loud buzzing) -(people screaming) 388 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:23,606 Announcer: And once that money belt is zipped... 389 00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:26,442 It's official. "the brian, the bitch, and the wardrobe" 390 00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:29,445 Win flea market regionals. What a comeback. 391 00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:32,323 Boy, you said it. I told espn I'd quit 392 00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:34,158 After a "magic: The gathering" tournament, 393 00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,661 But this time, I'm serious. 394 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,955 Well, yous won fair and square. 395 00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:41,582 Y'alls the best flea market weirdos. 396 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:42,792 (bees buzzing) 397 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,711 I sure am gonna miss this place. 398 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:45,962 Sorry about the bees. 399 00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,715 Part of the game. Hey, before I go... 400 00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,675 Would y'all be willing to sell your whole inventory 401 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,552 For nine dollars? 402 00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,262 -Would you do 11? -No. 403 00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:56,681 You got yourself a deal. I never want to come back here. 404 00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:59,851 Everyone, you're all within 500 feet of a school. 405 00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:01,394 (shouting) 406 00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:04,230 Chris: Over 200 arrests were made that day. 407 00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,065 It's still known in flea market lore 408 00:17:06,151 --> 00:17:08,067 As "extinction Sunday." 409 00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:10,570 I'm chris griffin, and my brother and my dog 410 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:13,031 Left me in a very hot car. 411 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,578 Hi, shannon, the line producer, 412 00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,246 Said I could have another plate of lasagna. 413 00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:22,832 That's not shannon's call. 414 00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:24,542 You were right. 415 00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:25,877 Becoming extras on his show 416 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,587 Was the only way to get close to tom. 417 00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:30,965 Once the cameras start rolling, we'll make our move. 418 00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:33,051 Blue bloods, episode a million, 419 00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:35,011 Season blabbity-blah. Hollywood, go. 420 00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:36,721 These guys are pros. 421 00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:38,139 Director: Action. 422 00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:41,142 Chief whatever-your-character's- name-is from blue bloods, 423 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,019 Do you recognize this man? 424 00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:45,605 I do. He owns the bodega on 56... 425 00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:46,606 Blue bloods. 426 00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:48,775 -Director: Cut. -Who is this guy? 427 00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:50,392 My name is peter griffin, 428 00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:52,070 And I'm here 'cause you screwed me over 429 00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,863 With your trick reverse mortgage. 430 00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,281 It's not a trick. 431 00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:56,824 Overruled. 432 00:17:56,951 --> 00:17:58,951 What are you... You're an actor. 433 00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:01,245 Time to acknowledge the corn, tom. 434 00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:04,791 Wild west? I had you arrested. 435 00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:06,501 When you got hooked on multis 436 00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:09,378 And started singing mean-spirited songs, 437 00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:12,173 I figured you were young, it was a phase. 438 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:15,009 But now you went and got mixed up with reverse mortgages, 439 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:18,096 And that, partner, violates the mustache code. 440 00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:20,681 Yeah. And besides, you're magnum p.I. 441 00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:22,100 You're like my tv boss. 442 00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,560 Regular guys like me trust you. 443 00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:27,063 I didn't make you do anything. 444 00:18:27,148 --> 00:18:30,191 Only one thing left to try. 445 00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:34,946 ♪ see a penny, pick it up ♪ 446 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:37,073 ♪ all the day you'll have to look ♪ 447 00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:39,992 ♪ for its rightful owner ♪ 448 00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:41,828 ♪ that's an honorable day ♪ 449 00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:47,083 ♪ looking for its rightful owner ♪ 450 00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:50,545 I-I'm not gonna sing. 451 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:53,005 -Your honor? -I'll allow it. 452 00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:55,216 ♪ a penny saved is a penny earned ♪ 453 00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:57,677 ♪ but if it ain't yours, I've learned ♪ 454 00:18:57,762 --> 00:19:03,850 ♪ to find its rightful owner. ♪ 455 00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:05,643 (applause) 456 00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:10,106 This court finds that the world could use more songs like that. 457 00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:13,151 Peter, I think you and I might just have to 458 00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:15,069 Agree to disagree when it comes to 459 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:18,406 The financial propriety of reverse mortgages. 460 00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:20,783 That said, I certainly never meant 461 00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,451 To cause you any distress. 462 00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:24,912 And wild, back in the day, 463 00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:26,831 I turned my back on you, 464 00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,542 And I turned my back on my mustache. 465 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,128 Think you can forgive me? 466 00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:34,964 Eh, nothin' a firm, two-handed handshake 467 00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:37,341 With eye contact can't solve. 468 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:42,096 And peter, I don't want there 469 00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:43,806 To be any hard feelings, 470 00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:45,474 So I'm gonna write you a check 471 00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:48,311 For a little bit of the lot of money I've made 472 00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:50,813 Selling legitimate reverse mortgages 473 00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,899 To people who, to the best of my knowledge, 474 00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:55,276 Understand fully what they're entering into. 475 00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:56,944 How are you 78? 476 00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:58,404 This ought to take care of it. 477 00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:00,823 And hey, just to make sure we're good, 478 00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:03,451 How'd you like a line on the show? 479 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:04,702 Blue bloods. 480 00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:07,496 It might not be just saying the show. 481 00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:10,082 I understand. Tom, would it be possible 482 00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:11,626 For me to get another plate of lasagna? 483 00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:14,212 That's not my call, peter. That's shannon's call. 484 00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:16,088 It's not shannon's call. 485 00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:25,223 Follow that car. 486 00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:26,849 First time in the big city? 487 00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:28,184 Blue bloods. 488 00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:29,977 That last line was improvised. 489 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:33,105 Oh, look out, ryan stiles, huh? 490 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,233 Oh, you know, I'm just glad 491 00:20:35,318 --> 00:20:37,568 We don't have to worry about losing our house anymore. 492 00:20:37,654 --> 00:20:39,445 Me, too. I guess I learned 493 00:20:39,530 --> 00:20:41,239 Celebrities always do the right thing 494 00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:43,699 Once you publicly guilt them into it. 495 00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:46,285 ♪ ♪