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00:00:01,544 --> 00:00:04,753
♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:07,965
♪ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ♪
3
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:11,677
♪ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:14,680
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
5
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♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ all the things that make us ♪
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♪ laugh and cry ♪
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♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:37,828
Boy, everybody's here.
11
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Why do you think
we're gathering?
12
00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:41,874
This isn't about the soiled
pants in the toilet, right?
13
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'cause I hadn't heard
about that.
14
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,710
Good morning, employees.
15
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As some of you can tell
by my face,
16
00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,130
I have some exciting news.
17
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:50,841
But first, a pair of husky-size
green pants were found
18
00:00:50,926 --> 00:00:53,302
In the men's room,
positively destroyed.
19
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(whispers): That's what
I hadn't heard about.
20
00:00:55,139 --> 00:00:56,680
Now the exciting news.
21
00:00:56,766 --> 00:00:59,016
The brewery is transitioning
to an open floor plan
22
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:01,727
And will be called
the pawtucket patriot campus.
23
00:01:01,812 --> 00:01:04,563
To help explain the transition
to our futuristic workplace,
24
00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:06,607
I'd like to share a video
from our investor,
25
00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:09,818
The confusingly charismatic
wework lunatic.
26
00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:12,112
Hey, I'm the guy from wework.
27
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,073
My foremost goal is
to facilitate
28
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An experiential bandwidth
of synergy.
29
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:18,827
Hammock desks,
scooter desks,
30
00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:21,121
And the world's first desk-desk.
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The only desk that
functions as a working desk.
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00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:27,169
I have been the wework lunatic,
please don't google me.
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00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,505
Our new office will also have
34
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A lady chef
who only makes vegan food,
35
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,009
Pinball machines,
and nursing pods.
36
00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:37,012
Lastly, as we transition
to our new open floor plan,
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The brewery will be closed
38
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For the next two months
for construction.
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00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:41,266
Yes, griffin?
40
00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:45,270
Are the nursing pods,
l-like, for anyone?
41
00:01:49,193 --> 00:01:51,110
If I ordered
a whole cornish game hen,
42
00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:52,236
Would anyone have any?
43
00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:54,154
I'm in for a wing.
What's the occasion?
44
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,115
I just found out
the brewery's closing
45
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,783
So they can turn it into
the kind of workplace
46
00:01:57,868 --> 00:01:59,660
You only see on tv shows.
47
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,411
Work's been crazy for me, too.
48
00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:03,664
We have this case--
guy died on his birthday,
49
00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:05,207
And-- get this--
his family had gotten him
50
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,375
An ice cream cake.
51
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,377
You know, the kind
with ice cream inside
52
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,586
As the cake part?
53
00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:11,380
(laughs)
54
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:14,049
Wild stuff.
So I'm at the scene...
55
00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:16,009
This story is already
too complicated and boring.
56
00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:17,177
Peter, take over.
57
00:02:17,263 --> 00:02:18,887
My amazon guy
once delivered batteries
58
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:21,181
-To pat sajak.
-No way!
59
00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:23,433
How did he know there were
batteries in the box?
60
00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:24,935
You know,
whenever they ship a battery,
61
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:26,854
They got to put that little
warning label on the box?
62
00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:28,438
That's how.
63
00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:30,399
It could've just been something
with a battery in it.
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00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:32,359
No, he said
he shook it real hard.
65
00:02:32,528 --> 00:02:34,361
I-I think
the focus of this story is
66
00:02:34,446 --> 00:02:36,572
More pat sajak than
the battery part.
67
00:02:36,699 --> 00:02:40,325
Hold on. There's no way
that story was better than mine.
68
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,496
Hey, brian. What's all this?
69
00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:46,248
Oh, just following
in the rich tradition
70
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,875
Of hemingway and faulkner
71
00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:49,585
And putting a little damage
on the old liver.
72
00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,003
Another rosé, brian?
73
00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:52,379
Put a spritz on it.
74
00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:56,166
So, is, uh, watching tiktoks
of underage girls
75
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:58,218
Also part of
your writing process?
76
00:02:58,304 --> 00:03:01,471
The best writing happens when
you're not actually writing.
77
00:03:01,599 --> 00:03:03,515
I just wish
my muse would speak to me.
78
00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:06,351
I'm having a tough time finding
an idea for my next novel.
79
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,855
Well, I'd tell you about
one of my murder cases,
80
00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:12,232
But apparently
I'm a bad storyteller.
81
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:15,235
-Murder case?
-Oh, yeah, we had one last year.
82
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,529
All signs pointed
to the husband.
83
00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:19,281
-What happened?
-It was the husband.
84
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,825
You know, we have
a whole file of cases in quahog
85
00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,827
That would make great stories.
86
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:26,246
A lot of murdered women
out there, bri.
87
00:03:26,332 --> 00:03:28,457
Half of them named britney,
half of them named lacey.
88
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:31,001
That's one piece of advice
I always give young parents:
89
00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:32,794
Don't name them
britney or lacey.
90
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,004
Yeah, sad stuff.
91
00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,964
You know, true crime is huge
right now.
92
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:37,466
You could be
sitting on a gold mine.
93
00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:38,926
A gold mine, huh?
94
00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:42,221
And this whole day I thought
it was just a smushed dook.
95
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,017
Announcer (on tv):
We now return to
curb your enthusiasm,
96
00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:50,479
Where jeff garlin just repeats
everything larry says.
97
00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:52,397
So, I put on the shirt.
98
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,316
You put on the shirt!
99
00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:55,734
I paid for it.
100
00:03:55,819 --> 00:03:57,402
You paid for it!
101
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,821
I'm starting to think
you're, uh,
102
00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:01,865
The weakest link in the cast.
103
00:04:01,951 --> 00:04:04,409
Easily the weakest link!
104
00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:07,120
Peter, the bank called
to say we're overdrawn,
105
00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:09,122
And the credit card company
sent us a letter
106
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,375
That just says:
"bitch better have my money."
107
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,626
Visa sent that?
108
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,378
God, they can do
whatever they want in delaware.
109
00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:16,338
Thanks for nothing, sleepy joe.
110
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:19,132
I wonder if this has anything
to do with me not getting paid
111
00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:20,842
During the brewery renovations.
112
00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:23,178
Wh-what do you mean
"not getting paid"?
113
00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:25,013
Well, preston said
we're all transitioning
114
00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:26,723
To being
independent contractors.
115
00:04:26,809 --> 00:04:28,767
The downside is we're losing
our health insurance,
116
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:31,728
But there's gonna be a pinball
machine in the break room.
117
00:04:31,814 --> 00:04:33,605
Peter, we can't afford
to go two months
118
00:04:33,691 --> 00:04:35,232
Without your paycheck.
119
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:37,484
You're gonna have to
find a job in the meantime.
120
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:40,445
Lois, don't worry.
I got it all figured out.
121
00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:43,031
(shoes tapping)
122
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:53,792
"dear mr. Griffin,
we regret to inform you
123
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:56,044
That we cannot offer you
a space."
124
00:04:57,131 --> 00:05:00,299
-(shoes tapping)
-(singsongy): Another big
dance check in the mail.
125
00:05:00,384 --> 00:05:04,136
I was just five years away
from three figures a month.
126
00:05:04,263 --> 00:05:06,430
(shoes tapping slowly)
127
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:12,936
Joe, this stuff is great.
128
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:15,230
Yep, one man's murdered,
estranged wife
129
00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:16,815
Is another man's treasure.
130
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:20,110
Brian, I'm gonna have to ask you
to put down the severed limb.
131
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:21,695
I brought this from home.
132
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,655
Drop it. Drop it!
133
00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:26,825
Ah, damn it, you said "drop it,"
so now I got to drop it.
134
00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:29,703
You know, we should team up
and write a true crime novel.
135
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:30,954
You don't happen to have
any cases
136
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,831
Featuring pretty blonde women,
do you?
137
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,374
No, those get solved
pretty quickly.
138
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:37,586
This victim was brunette
and a little heavy.
139
00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:39,171
Okay, getting warmer.
140
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:42,007
We'll just change a few
key details so people care.
141
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,009
Gutierrez?
Nope, gordon.
142
00:05:44,127 --> 00:05:45,969
Murdered on
an indian reservation?
143
00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:47,346
Let's try beverly hills.
144
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:50,182
I'm thinking we go novel,
podcast, docuseries,
145
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:52,100
Then full-blown blockbuster.
146
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:54,895
But we'd also be doing this
for the families, right?
147
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,388
Is that a new
streaming platform?
148
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,148
No, like, the families
of the victims?
149
00:05:58,233 --> 00:05:59,399
Oh, right. Yeah, sure.
150
00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,985
In fact, we'll give them
a sliver of the proceeds.
151
00:06:02,154 --> 00:06:04,112
And I'll give
the fictional version
152
00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:05,697
Of their daughter bigger boobs.
153
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,366
Like-like real heavy naturals.
154
00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:10,660
Oh, yeah, that sounds
like a good compromise.
155
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:16,291
Your special cart, mrs. G.
156
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:18,919
Just gave the wheels
a fresh coat of wd-40.
157
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:21,296
Why, thank you, james.
158
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:25,675
Oh, roberto, if you weren't
missing half an arm,
159
00:06:25,803 --> 00:06:27,094
I'd definitely consider it.
160
00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:29,721
Oh, how's the 6029s today, hmm?
161
00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:32,099
Oh, mrs. Lois, very fresh.
162
00:06:32,184 --> 00:06:33,850
What's she talking about, mommy?
163
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:35,685
(laughs) kale, dear.
164
00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:38,313
It's insider speak for kale.
165
00:06:44,029 --> 00:06:45,821
That can't possibly be a thing.
166
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,448
Let me just find someone
to make sure.
167
00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:54,162
Oh, looks like someone
got pulled from the night shift
168
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:56,957
'cause I've never seen
this free sample.
169
00:06:58,377 --> 00:07:00,669
-Peter?!
-Man (over speakers):
Ladies and gentlemen,
170
00:07:00,796 --> 00:07:02,546
We have a plot twist
on aisle four.
171
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:05,215
I'm the assistant manager
who thinks work should be fun,
172
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,342
And definitely not
a corporate spy
173
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:09,094
Here to keep unions
from forming.
174
00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:10,929
But now that
we're talking about it,
175
00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:12,389
Can you imagine
if you had a grievance
176
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,433
And couldn't talk to me
directly?
177
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:15,892
Anyway, I'm elliot,
178
00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:17,352
And I'm paying close attention
179
00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:19,688
To who posts what
on the break room cork board.
180
00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,237
Peter, what are you doing here?
181
00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:28,989
You told me to get a job,
and they were hiring.
182
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:29,948
I love it here!
183
00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:31,116
Plus, they let me joke around
184
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:33,410
With the wells fargo guys
who work here.
185
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:36,246
Yes, I'd like to make
a deposit, please.
186
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:39,124
Is it another 100 grand
chocolate bar?
187
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,084
Okay, so I've had you before.
188
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:44,045
Peter, the grocery store is
kind of my domain.
189
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,922
While I'm glad you got a job,
190
00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:47,841
I don't love
that you got one here.
191
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,301
Don't worry.
You won't even know I'm here.
192
00:07:49,428 --> 00:07:50,844
Unless you're
near the front door,
193
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:52,679
Which I can open
with the force.
194
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:54,848
Excuse me,
where are the peanuts?
195
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,266
Aisle seven.
196
00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,351
Peter, peanuts are on aisle two.
197
00:07:58,437 --> 00:07:59,603
Eh, I just tell 'em
whatever number,
198
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:02,147
And then I disappear
into the produce mist.
199
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:05,442
Peter? Peter?
200
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:10,363
Peter (echoing):
There was never peter,
only loose carrots.
201
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,119
The body was discovered
around 9:00 p.M.
202
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:19,080
Unfortunately, I couldn't
make it down to the crime scene
203
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,624
Because there were no ramps.
204
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,083
Okay, I'm gonna write:
205
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,044
"tonight,
all the streets in this town
206
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,545
Were a dead end."
207
00:08:25,631 --> 00:08:27,088
I never saw the body.
208
00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,216
It was cold,
so they sent me on a coffee run.
209
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,384
My lap can
accommodate two trays,
210
00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:32,969
And I can't feel the spills.
211
00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:36,056
"she was found in a creek,
her bosoms frozen solid."
212
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:39,768
She was a heavyset 60-something
in welder's coveralls.
213
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,270
"no one from beverly hills
had ever been strangled
214
00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:44,189
By their own cheerleader skirt
before."
215
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:45,607
(gasps)
216
00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:48,610
Wow, I can't believe I'm seeing
how the sausage is made.
217
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:52,113
Hey, so when you open a book
and you see "random house,"
218
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,241
Is that something
we come up with?
219
00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:56,993
Uh, no, that's-that's
the publisher's name.
220
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,204
I see.
Just drinking it all in.
221
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:01,331
And what about the list of
cities you see under that name?
222
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:04,793
Because I was thinking we should
put new york, paris, kokomo.
223
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,212
Those are just the cities
where the publisher has offices.
224
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,089
And kokomo isn't
a real city, joe.
225
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,091
Try telling the beach boys that.
226
00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:13,593
I don't know what our title
should be yet, but beneath it,
227
00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:16,555
It should say: "soon to be
a major motion picture."
228
00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:18,848
I always buy the book
when I see that.
229
00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:20,350
Why don't we just focus
on the writing?
230
00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:21,810
Oh, hey, you ever see books
231
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,812
Where the edges
of the pages are gold?
232
00:09:23,981 --> 00:09:26,356
-Yeah?
-So cool.
233
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,071
What is going on in here?
234
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,115
Who put price tags
on all the cans?
235
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,450
And why is everything
labeled 69 cents?
236
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:40,787
Peter (muffled):
Griffin family grocery is
currently under renovation.
237
00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:42,831
Please excuse our dust.
238
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,541
Peter? Where are you?
239
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,876
Staring at butts
from behind a one-way mirror.
240
00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:48,753
And why'd you
rearrange everything?
241
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,380
I just want to find my vitamins.
242
00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:53,008
Cupboard four.
No, that's cupboard seven.
243
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,718
No, wrong way.
244
00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:56,970
I'm not...
Is it warmer or colder?
245
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:59,097
Cupboard four.
Cupboard four.
246
00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:01,558
(alarm blaring)
247
00:10:01,685 --> 00:10:03,977
Ma'am, don't worry,
this happens all the time.
248
00:10:04,146 --> 00:10:05,770
I'm sure you have your receipt.
249
00:10:05,856 --> 00:10:07,564
What? No,
I don't have a receipt.
250
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,025
Okay, then, we're just gonna
go to the office,
251
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:13,278
Call your parents,
and send you on your way.
252
00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:16,948
-Daddy, I just...
-There are gonna be
some changes around here.
253
00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:18,908
First off, no more lipstick.
254
00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:21,745
That's how
all this trouble started.
255
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:27,167
Okay,
so we just need the ending.
256
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:28,376
Who was the murderer?
257
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:31,171
Oh, I have no idea.
It's a cold case.
258
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:33,715
That's what makes 'em cold--
no one knows how to solve 'em.
259
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:34,966
Well, how do we finish our novel
260
00:10:35,052 --> 00:10:37,427
If we don't know what happened
in real life?
261
00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:38,928
-Ghost cop.
-No.
262
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:40,055
Do you know what this means?
263
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:42,057
We're gonna put on
our sherlock holmes hats
264
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:44,225
And solve the murder ourselves?
265
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,686
Deerstalker hats, joe.
But yes.
266
00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:49,397
Stupid nonwriter!
267
00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:54,143
Okay, brian, now,
when you're visiting
268
00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:55,695
The family of a deceased victim,
269
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:57,197
You need to hold a hat
over your chest.
270
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:58,573
It shows you care.
271
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,742
All I have is this crown
from our burger king lunch.
272
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,160
Hat's a hat.
273
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:06,247
How can I help you,
officer and your highness?
274
00:11:06,408 --> 00:11:10,085
Hi, yes. We're here with many
questions about your daughter.
275
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,878
You know, the dead one?
You-you remember her?
276
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,588
We'd love any details.
277
00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:15,715
Is this some sort of sick joke?
278
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,050
I assure you it's not, ma'am.
279
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,885
We're writing
a future hit novel
280
00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:20,053
Based on your daughter's murder.
281
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,471
We just need to know who did it.
282
00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:24,182
And, between us, it'd be great
if one of you did.
283
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:25,934
What is this?
What do you want?
284
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,811
Did you know
jonbenét ramsey's dad
285
00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:30,438
Dated natalee holloway's mom?
286
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,023
What does that have to do
with our case?
287
00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:33,942
Well, nothing,
it's just kind of weird, right?
288
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,986
Do you happen to have
any grainy video footage
289
00:11:37,072 --> 00:11:40,073
Of her singing an emotional song
at a talent show?
290
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,574
Maybe green day's
"time of your life"?
291
00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:44,577
That would really bust
this project wide open for us.
292
00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:46,705
You're both unwell.
293
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:49,541
Well, that was a bust.
294
00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:52,252
Sorry, I've been holding this in
since burger king.
295
00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:54,212
Oh, seriously? You're just
gonna leave that there?
296
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:57,006
These people have suffered
a terrible loss.
297
00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:59,259
At least cover it with leaves
or something.
298
00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:00,760
Ugh, fine.
299
00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:06,099
Joe, look.
I found something.
300
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,477
-It's a key to a storage unit.
-How do you know that?
301
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:12,021
Yeah, me and bonnie have been
doing a fun role-play thing
302
00:12:12,149 --> 00:12:14,065
Where she dresses up
like a sexy maid
303
00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:17,277
And then locks me in a storage
unit while guys come over.
304
00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:19,237
-Oh.
-Yeah, it's pretty kinky.
305
00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:22,323
I, uh, I play the role of
a sexy armoire,
306
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:23,908
Waiting in another room.
307
00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:26,786
Sounds like she just wants you
out of the house for a while.
308
00:12:26,872 --> 00:12:29,205
Nah. No.
309
00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:36,254
It's okay, lois.
It's a big store.
310
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:37,964
You may not even run into peter.
311
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:41,009
Good morning.
How much are the mussels?
312
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,261
$34 a month
at bally's total fitness.
313
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,721
-(bell chimes)
-peter?
314
00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:46,389
Why are you
behind the fish counter?
315
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:49,559
I got a promotion,
emphasis on the "otion."
316
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:50,977
-(bell chimes)
-fine.
317
00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:52,687
What do you got that's fresh?
318
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,230
Well, I got
a teenage son at home.
319
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,149
-What a mouth on that kid.
-(bell chimes)
320
00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:58,985
That's it! You have
ruined groceries for me!
321
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:01,446
Get the hell out of my store,
you imbecile!
322
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:04,449
Um, excuse me, miss, did you
just yell at this employee?
323
00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:05,950
You're damn right I did.
324
00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:08,077
He has no business being here.
325
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,705
This man is a member
of the stop 'n shop family.
326
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,916
He has every business
being here.
327
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:15,084
You, on the other hand,
will have to go.
328
00:13:15,212 --> 00:13:16,377
You're banned from the store.
329
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,087
(chuckles nervously):
What? No.
330
00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:19,380
Y-you can't do this.
331
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,257
I have shopped here
my whole life.
332
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:23,343
Yes, we know.
If it's any consolation,
333
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:25,136
You'll be in
the "in memoriam" section
334
00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:27,055
Of the grocery store oscars.
335
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,932
("I will remember you"
by sarah mclachlan playing)
336
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:34,896
♪ I will remember you ♪
337
00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:41,110
-♪ will you remember me? ♪
-(cheering)
338
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:45,573
-♪ don't let your life... ♪
-(man coughs)
339
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:48,535
Lois: No! No, no, no. You can't
put me after betty white.
340
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,912
Didn't brenda vaccaro die
or something?
341
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,497
(gasps) no.
342
00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:55,834
I live here in aisle four
with the kotex tampons.
343
00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:57,961
(wheezing)
344
00:13:58,088 --> 00:13:59,838
Still more absorbent
than the leading brand.
345
00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,422
(wheezing)
346
00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:09,138
The worst part is,
I can't even go back
347
00:14:09,266 --> 00:14:11,015
To my favorite grocery store.
348
00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:13,601
I personally think
you should give peter a taste
349
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:17,146
Of his own medicine and
get a job at his special place.
350
00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:19,148
The men's room at logan airport?
351
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,942
No, the drunken clam.
352
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,236
Oh, okay, 'cause he had
this one experience there
353
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,988
That he still talks about
to this day,
354
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:27,782
But that is an intriguing idea,
bonnie.
355
00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:29,242
I'm glad you think so.
356
00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:31,911
Well, as white women
in conversation,
357
00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:33,913
We're now obligated
to spend five minutes
358
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:35,832
Talking about sedona, arizona.
359
00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:37,625
-Oh, I'd love to go.
-I know.
360
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:41,045
My friend linda got a massage
there after her divorce.
361
00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:43,131
And my friend trish
bought a painting there.
362
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,592
-Oh, we got to go.
-We got to go.
363
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,307
Hey, you two haven't
seen peter, have you?
364
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:54,350
Asking as a waitress
trying to teach him a lesson
365
00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:57,145
By working at his favorite
place, not as his wife.
366
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,981
Whoa, check out the turd-cutter
on the new chick.
367
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,983
That's right.
I work here now.
368
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:04,110
I'm gonna be here all the time.
369
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:06,070
Oh, how does it feel
to have someone invade
370
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:07,822
Your special space?
371
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,115
It feels great!
372
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,825
Speaking of
invading special places,
373
00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:11,951
How about this?
374
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,995
Hey, sweetie,
when do you get off work?
375
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,372
Me and my wife are more friends
at this point than anything.
376
00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:17,916
Don't get me wrong,
she's a great gal,
377
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,834
Raised my children,
but time takes its toll,
378
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,002
You know what I mean?
379
00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:22,629
What? My wife and I have
an arrangement,
380
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:25,340
So I'm not doing anything
wrong here, technically.
381
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,383
Ah, well, this isn't working.
382
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,719
If you want to meet me
in my car later,
383
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:32,180
It's the one with
the "blue lives matter" sticker.
384
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,391
But, like, not for cops,
it's for, it's for grover.
385
00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:41,147
Who's going in first?
386
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,483
Kind of feels like you should
since you're a dog.
387
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:44,734
Are you scared, joe?
388
00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:46,778
Would a scared person do this?
389
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:49,739
-(screams)
-not so fast.
390
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,908
(serial theme playing)
391
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:53,409
Who is that?
392
00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:55,495
I'm guessing
it's the lady from serial.
393
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:59,123
Oh, I certainly wouldn't
recognize a podcaster visually.
394
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,793
-I'm sarah koenig.
-Big fan of your work.
395
00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,504
No one turns another person's
suffering into profit better.
396
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,799
Listen up, I want this case
for my podcast,
397
00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,133
So you need to drop it.
398
00:16:09,219 --> 00:16:11,803
And if you don't,
I could make you disappear.
399
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:14,130
We're sponsored
by casper mattresses.
400
00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:16,557
That wasn't a threat.
I have a code if you want it.
401
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,810
Man:
Stand down, sarah.
402
00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:20,687
I'm keith morrison,
403
00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:23,439
And I want this case
for dateline.
404
00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:26,859
There are only a few hundred
unsolved murders left,
405
00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:30,655
And there's a million
true crime content creators.
406
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:33,199
My grandson taught me that term.
407
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:36,285
Who's "okay, boomer" now?
408
00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:40,248
We're npr's team
of women with lisps
409
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,375
And names nobody's ever had,
410
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:46,254
Like sylvia delgado-smith,
and audie takahashi o'shea.
411
00:16:46,381 --> 00:16:48,339
I'm chris hansen
from to catch a predator,
412
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,508
And I'm just here
in case any of you
413
00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:51,843
Turn out to be pedophiles.
414
00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:54,137
Warm chocolate chip cookie,
anyone?
415
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,848
No! I claimed this cold case
for serial.
416
00:16:56,933 --> 00:17:00,393
Not if I record a dateline
first.
417
00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:03,396
(all grunting)
418
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,279
(choking)
419
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,322
♪ ♪
420
00:17:15,827 --> 00:17:17,201
(screaming)
421
00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:19,245
(grunting)
422
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:30,256
Please...
Rate and review my life.
423
00:17:30,341 --> 00:17:32,592
And someone take care of my dog
424
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:35,636
You could usually hear
in the background of my podcast.
425
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,680
(gasping)
426
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:39,015
(grunting)
427
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:43,061
A foggy night
at a storage unit in quahog.
428
00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:45,980
The sleepy little town of quahog
429
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:49,776
Is usually all tucked in
by 10:00 p.M.
430
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,903
(clamoring)
431
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,863
You know what?
We're no better than them.
432
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:55,740
We've been exploiting
the victim's life
433
00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:57,450
For our own personal gain.
434
00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:59,744
I-I think it's time for us
to abandon writing this book.
435
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:03,956
Or... Maybe we set it to rap
lyrics and take it to broadway?
436
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,958
I think we're done here.
437
00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:08,961
You know, joe,
even though it didn't work out,
438
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:10,713
It was nice to spend
some time with someone
439
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,340
Who actually believed
in my writing.
440
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:16,219
Well, as someone who's never
read a book, I absolutely do.
441
00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:22,975
The waitress from the clam!
Holy crap, has lois seen you?!
442
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:24,102
We really don't have
an arrangement.
443
00:18:24,229 --> 00:18:25,103
You got to get out of here!
444
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:26,646
Oh, peter, enough.
445
00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,940
-What's the matter?
-You wouldn't understand.
446
00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:31,275
Okay.
447
00:18:32,654 --> 00:18:34,695
I'd get back in there, chief.
448
00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:38,407
(sighs) chris made me come back.
449
00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:40,660
Oh, honey,
the grocery store isn't just
450
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:42,787
Where I buy food for the family.
451
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:44,122
It's my escape.
452
00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:46,374
My refuge
from being pestered
453
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,875
With dumb questions
from the kids,
454
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,627
Or having to clean up
your messes.
455
00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:52,964
Sometimes, just a stroll
down the ethnic food aisle
456
00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:55,508
Makes me feel like
I'm in a north african bazaar.
457
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,510
Yeah, I don't like the smells
on that aisle.
458
00:18:57,679 --> 00:19:00,847
-And I don't know,
it's hard to explain, but...
-There's more?!
459
00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:03,516
It's not just
a grocery store to me.
460
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:05,685
There's a whole
community of people there
461
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,186
Who feel like family.
462
00:19:07,272 --> 00:19:09,647
And now,
now I have nothing.
463
00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:13,860
Aw, lois, I'm so sorry
for ruining your happy place.
464
00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:15,695
And I'm gonna take care of it.
465
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:18,114
Just like I've been taking care
of that egg since high school.
466
00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:21,075
Oh, my god, I forgot to pick
him up from soccer practice!
467
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:25,037
Hey, do you need me
to call your yolks?
468
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,417
Look, you got to let lois
come back.
469
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,836
Please remove the ban.
She loves this place.
470
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:33,087
I'm sorry, but I can't do that.
471
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:35,548
She yelled at
a mentally-challenged person,
472
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:36,674
And that's unforgivable.
473
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,217
What?
I'm not mentally challenged.
474
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:40,136
You're not?
But that's literally
475
00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:42,096
The only reason we hired you.
476
00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:45,600
Would a mentally challenged
person be able to do this?
477
00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:52,148
Your name tag says "big petey."
478
00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:54,233
(scoffs) why do you think
we all gather round
479
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,985
And applaud you while you ride
480
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:57,612
The coin-operated horse
out front?
481
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:58,946
'cause I'm good at horses?
482
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,365
Wow. (chuckles)
I really thought...
483
00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:03,743
You know, we don't let
all our employees insist
484
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,621
The customers feel their muscles
after bagging their order.
485
00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:07,872
Right?
486
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,040
Okay, fine.
487
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,000
Lois can come back,
but you're fired.
488
00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:12,835
I need you to turn in
your gun and badge.
489
00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:15,421
Well, I guess
my work here is done.
490
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,215
To the mickey-copter!
491
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:21,010
See, disney?
492
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:23,179
Nothing here
but respectful synergy.
493
00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,440
What happened to
the open floor plan?
494
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,151
Long story. The wework guy
took our entire budget
495
00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:39,528
For the project
as a holiday bonus.
496
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,697
But he has long hair
and speaks confidently
497
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:42,823
About the internet,
498
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,825
So he will get about
eight more chances.
499
00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:47,495
Ah, yes, the wework guy.
500
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:51,958
They thought he had created
a $47 billion unicorn.
501
00:20:52,043 --> 00:20:55,336
Turns out it was only
a two-bit donkey.
502
00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:57,421
That's wet paint,
by the way.
503
00:20:58,383 --> 00:20:59,674
Ah, son of a...