1 00:00:02,294 --> 00:00:04,586 ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:07,631 ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ 3 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:11,343 ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:14,346 ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:17,975 ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:21,311 ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:22,855 ♪ all the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,106 ♪ laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:30,112 ♪ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,828 What are you up to there, stewie? 11 00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:41,290 Big birthday party today, just finishing up my card. 12 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,834 "happy birthday, gurt"? 13 00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,502 Yeah, it's short for "yogurt." 14 00:00:45,588 --> 00:00:48,130 His mom is a doula and his dad is a doula. 15 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,590 I like the blue truck. 16 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,383 Thanks. It was supposed to be a fire engine, 17 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,385 But I couldn't find the red glitter pen. 18 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:56,138 Well, that's our long-form tax return done. 19 00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:57,973 I could be wrong, but I think 20 00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,349 We're getting a million dollars back. 21 00:00:59,435 --> 00:01:02,061 Oh, I'm glad you're here. I ran out of bleach 22 00:01:02,146 --> 00:01:04,063 Halfway through my mustache treatment today, 23 00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:06,023 So, peter, I'm gonna need you to take stewie 24 00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:07,524 To the bowling alley for a party. 25 00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:09,151 Hey, meg, I'm gonna need you to take stewie 26 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,861 To the bowling alley for a party. 27 00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:12,613 I just learned the word "delegate." 28 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:15,365 No skin off my sack. I love the bowling alley. 29 00:01:15,451 --> 00:01:16,617 I'm coming, too. 30 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:19,119 They got a new claw machine with a bra in it. 31 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:22,498 We sure raised a few fine delegates, huh? 32 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,500 Peter, I don't think you learned the word "delegate." 33 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,628 I will not be delegated in my own house. 34 00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,379 This is gonna be fun, stewie. 35 00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:31,548 Yeah, I'm pumped. Partying's in our blood. 36 00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:34,551 We even had ancestors at the boston tea party. 37 00:01:34,637 --> 00:01:36,261 All right, let's stick it to the british 38 00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:37,930 And throw this tea overboard. 39 00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,431 How about this earl grey? 40 00:01:39,517 --> 00:01:41,058 Okay, you know what, let's keep the earl grey. 41 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,310 We-we all have to have breakfast, right? 42 00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:45,813 -Here goes the chamomile. -No, no, no. You throw that out, 43 00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:47,481 You're throwing my good night's sleep away. 44 00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:49,733 How about this throat coat with echinacea? 45 00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:51,527 Okay, you guys are gonna hate me, 46 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,903 But we're coming up on cold and flu season. 47 00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,613 And I just think that would be irresponsible. 48 00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,907 -Well, what about-- -you know what, let's just boil some water 49 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:59,409 And write 'em a strongly-worded letter. 50 00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,374 Here you go, meg. 51 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,001 You's all in lane six with gurt's mother. 52 00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:10,045 Everybody wins. Everybody wins here today. 53 00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,214 Gurt, get your hand out of your pants! 54 00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,423 Thanks, bruce. 55 00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:15,384 Hey, want to put quesadillas in our mouths 56 00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:17,177 And flip through a people magazine later? 57 00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:19,805 Oh, I'd love to, but this is our busiest day. 58 00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:22,224 I got five parties and that guy over there 59 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:25,310 Insists he can only bowl like fred flintstone. 60 00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:27,938 Dad, you were coming here the whole time? 61 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:30,649 I don't have to tell you things I'm keeping secret from you. 62 00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:31,900 All right, bruce, I'm up. 63 00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,902 [sighs] 64 00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:36,613 [xylophone playing] 65 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,997 Yibba yabba yoo! 66 00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:48,792 [indistinct chatter] 67 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:51,336 Stewie, william, you're up. 68 00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:55,007 Well, well, well, looks like the new kid got a pity invite. 69 00:02:55,134 --> 00:02:56,258 My name's william. 70 00:02:56,302 --> 00:02:58,635 I've been on six airplanes. 71 00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,179 You do sports, william? 72 00:03:00,297 --> 00:03:02,306 You ever get your ass handed to you, sports-wise? 73 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,892 Not yet, stewie, but if you throw the ball the way 74 00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:07,895 You threw back that cake, you should be in good shape. 75 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,938 Hope you got another set of pins, bruce, 76 00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:12,065 'cause this one's about to explode. 77 00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:13,901 Well, call me norma rae, 78 00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:15,944 'cause you're about to see a strike. 79 00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,155 I watch a lot of movies at my grandma's house. 80 00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:22,242 -On three? -Oops. 81 00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:25,454 ["the final countdown" by europe playing] 82 00:03:57,655 --> 00:04:00,239 Yes! And then there were nine. 83 00:04:00,366 --> 00:04:01,490 It's not fair! 84 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:04,117 Someone else was using my lucky dinosaur ramp! 85 00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:06,745 Can't beat the old strike-a-saurus! 86 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,789 ♪ open the door, get on the floor ♪ 87 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:12,084 ♪ everybody bowl that dinosaur. ♪ 88 00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:17,339 Are you here for shoes? 89 00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,299 Yeah, but I'm not sure what size I am. 90 00:04:19,385 --> 00:04:21,843 The sizing line's right over there. 91 00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:23,971 Just put your bare foot on my stomach 92 00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:26,765 And I can tell you your shoe size. 93 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,725 I don't know. Next. 94 00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:30,143 Little higher. 95 00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,145 I don't know. Next. 96 00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:34,815 That'll do, pig. 97 00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:36,566 That'll do. 98 00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:40,237 Peter, you're up. 99 00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:43,156 Just got to dry my hands first. 100 00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:44,908 Ooh, how embarrassing. 101 00:04:44,994 --> 00:04:47,911 What an unexpected, sexy turn of events. 102 00:04:48,038 --> 00:04:49,371 So, did you guys know that 103 00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:51,415 Marilyn's real name was norma jean? 104 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,792 -[sighs] -mm-hmm. -And if you said hello 105 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,919 To bernard schwartz, you'd be saying-- 106 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,005 Saying hello to tony curtis. Yes, we know. 107 00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:00,799 "better smile when you say that, pilgrim." 108 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:04,177 Marion morrison, aka john wayne. 109 00:05:04,263 --> 00:05:06,972 Yep, we remember from the list you emailed us, joe. 110 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,474 You know, kennedy's secretary was named lincoln, 111 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,977 And lincoln's secretary was named kennedy. 112 00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:14,229 -Kind of makes you think, huh? -About what? 113 00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:18,567 Secretaries. 114 00:05:22,573 --> 00:05:24,406 Sorry we left such a mess. 115 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,533 -Let me help you with that. -Thanks, meg. 116 00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,535 Oop, looks like more vomit, 117 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,746 And I done run out of kitty litter to soak it up. 118 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,790 That's all right, I always keep a small bag in my purse. 119 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:36,126 You keep kitty litter in your purse? 120 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:38,754 Well, there's not always a bathroom when I need one. 121 00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:42,257 I don't know how you handle all these kids every week. 122 00:05:42,343 --> 00:05:44,384 Oh, I don't mind. I like children. 123 00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:46,011 Always wanted one of my own. 124 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,804 Someone I could raise a little bit better 125 00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:49,181 Than my parents did me. 126 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:51,183 You'd be a great dad, bruce. 127 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,226 You should totally have a kid. 128 00:05:53,312 --> 00:05:55,145 I don't know if you knew this, but it's 129 00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,939 Anatomically impossible for a man to get pregnant. 130 00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,483 Even lindsey graham? 131 00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:02,402 Well, he's certainly giving it the ol' college try. 132 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,571 But I guess it's just not in the cards 133 00:06:04,615 --> 00:06:05,822 For jeffrey and me. 134 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:08,450 After all, you can't make a bun without a oven. 135 00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:10,744 Well, I have an oven. 136 00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:12,454 I mean, it may not close all the way, 137 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:15,791 And it's definitely not self-cleaning, but it works. 138 00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:18,085 You should thank your lucky stars for that. 139 00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:19,836 Well, I don't know if you've noticed, 140 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:22,089 But I don't exactly have a lot of suitors. 141 00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:24,049 It might be because you's going potty 142 00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:25,634 In your purse all the time. 143 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,261 But at least you's able to have a baby. 144 00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:30,013 You're right. 145 00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:32,099 I can have a baby. 146 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,476 Mom, dad. 147 00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,603 I'm having bruce and jeffrey's baby. 148 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,271 That's wonderful. 149 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,732 What do you say we take this party to the top of the stairs? 150 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,694 [announcer] it's not an abortion, it's an "oopsie." 151 00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,411 Meg, there is no way you are having 152 00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:55,330 Bruce and jeffrey's baby. I forbid it. 153 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:58,083 We agreed no more kids in the house unless it's young sheldon. 154 00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,293 Boy, is that kid a pepper pot. 155 00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:01,920 It's not what you guys think. 156 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,171 I'm gonna be a surrogate. 157 00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:04,923 But don't you need an egg? 158 00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:07,092 Or-or is that... Is that a bad question to ask 159 00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:09,094 Now that penises and vaginas mean nothing? 160 00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:11,263 Jeffrey and bruce already picked out 161 00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:12,848 An egg donor from a website. 162 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,182 Okay, as your father, 163 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:15,851 I'd like to say something. 164 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,061 You can just get hot eggs off the internet? 165 00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:20,522 Wh-what, uh, what, uh, what, uh, wh-wha-- uh, 166 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,400 Wh-wha-what website? 167 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:25,360 [sighs] meg, this is serious. 168 00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:27,696 Pregnancy is not something you do for money 169 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,781 Or to keep a certain professional athlete interested 170 00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,491 After he blocks your number. 171 00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:34,119 You're gonna ruin your life, and I won't have any part of it. 172 00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:37,289 Well, too bad, 'cause I'm 18 and you can't stop me. 173 00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:40,625 Dang, no more sush for meg for nine whole months. 174 00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:43,086 That's honestly what you're taking away from all this? 175 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,172 Well, yeah. I'm still getting sush. 176 00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:47,549 Anyone else for sush? Dad, sush? 177 00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,676 Ma, sush? Chris, sush? 178 00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,386 Meg, no sush. Don't even answer, meg. 179 00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:53,305 She's like, "aw, I want sush so bad." 180 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,016 I'm like, "no, no, meg, no sush, babe." 181 00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:57,684 Anyway, I'm gonna go out and get some sush. 182 00:07:57,769 --> 00:08:00,270 I'll be at cvs. 183 00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:06,568 Aw, this is embarrassing. We wore the same thing. 184 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:10,238 Let it be noted that I was the one to change this time. 185 00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,282 Anyway, good news. The fertilization 186 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:15,076 Of the hella-more-attractive egg was a success. 187 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,703 Brucie, we did it. 188 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,955 I'm gonna dress him in political t-shirts 189 00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:21,166 He can't even begin to understand. 190 00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:22,959 Yes, so now we just have to implant 191 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:25,712 That very hot embryo into meg's body. 192 00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,297 -Is this gonna hurt? -Not at all. 193 00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:29,925 Nurse, wheel in the implantation cannon. 194 00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:31,468 You guys are gonna love this thing. 195 00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:34,721 A clown died in there, but I think we got him all out. 196 00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:56,409 Can someone please go get me a cup of buffalo sauce 197 00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:58,662 And a hollowed-out pickle to use as a straw 198 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,288 To suck up the sauce? 199 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,916 Fine, but I'm making you a grilled cheese. 200 00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,834 And not because I support this pregnancy. 201 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,754 I just enjoy making passive- aggressive grilled cheeses 202 00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:09,047 For people and then saying, "here, 203 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,758 Here's your freakin' grilled cheese." 204 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,052 [sniffing] hey, meg? 205 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:15,929 How many farts you been blasting off today? 206 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,973 We talking bigs and smalls? 207 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,808 Fronts? Backs? Wets? Drys? 208 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,352 Ah. Well, I am gonna run out of this room now 209 00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:25,355 And leave a comedically- shaped hole in the wall. 210 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,315 That was already there 211 00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,192 From dad's drunk driving accident. 212 00:09:29,278 --> 00:09:31,278 [peter] nope! Running from farts! 213 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,742 Man, meg being pregnant is almost as bad 214 00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:39,369 As when that other lady was pregnant. 215 00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:42,080 'member? The lady with the loose baked-eggs rack? 216 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,207 -'member her? -Peter, that was me. 217 00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:46,126 And no way was I worse than this. 218 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,169 Well, maybe this'll turn out better than you think, 219 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:51,631 Like eating edible underwear in non-sexual situations. 220 00:09:51,717 --> 00:09:55,385 I can't believe you chose this for your last meal. 221 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,929 Well, I guess we're both "shocked" today. 222 00:09:58,015 --> 00:10:01,099 Okay, fellas, light me up. 223 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,393 You know what, he's funny. 224 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,437 Now I see why our daughter got in that van. 225 00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:08,607 -[crackling] -[peter] yibba yabba yoo! 226 00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:10,233 Well, maybe you're right. 227 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,319 I'm just glad this day's finally over. 228 00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:14,487 -Night, peter. -Night, lois. 229 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:17,907 [meg] mom! Dad! 230 00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:19,492 [groans] just ignore her. 231 00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,161 She'll tire herself out. 232 00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,912 [meg] dad! Mom! 233 00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:24,247 Please! 234 00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:26,249 Lois. The daughter's crying. 235 00:10:26,335 --> 00:10:28,209 [meg] I'm super wide awake 236 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,211 And I want to eat something really rank. 237 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,838 Lois, did you hear that? 238 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,840 [lois snoring] 239 00:10:33,884 --> 00:10:35,008 [sighs] 240 00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:37,260 Okay. I guess I got this one. 241 00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:45,352 Papa john, I'm sorry to bother you, 242 00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,354 But my pregnant daughter asked that I bring her 243 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,898 The worst pizza ever, and yours is that. 244 00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,150 You think we're worse than lunchables? 245 00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:53,485 -Yes. -7-eleven? 246 00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:55,362 Look, my friend, my friend, my friend. 247 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,739 It's late, we've done our research. 248 00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,366 The sauce, the bread, the toppings, 249 00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:01,409 The way it's cooked, the people cooking it, 250 00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:03,703 The way it tastes like the box it comes in. 251 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,622 It's really, really the worst. 252 00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:08,199 I mean, you even make butter dipping sauce terrible. 253 00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,919 Well, do you want the butter sauce with the pizza or not? 254 00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,380 Yeah, no, give me a bunch of everything. 255 00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:19,886 [sighs] what do you want, chris? 256 00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:22,180 -Is it pump time yet? -Why do you care? 257 00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:25,558 Meg, I'm a member of a very specific dark web internet site. 258 00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:26,893 Don't try to find it, you won't be able to. 259 00:11:27,062 --> 00:11:29,771 But this would be fairly monumental there. 260 00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,940 Mom, chris is being disgusting. 261 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,900 So are you. We're all disgusting. 262 00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:36,111 -That's what family is. -[groans] 263 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,113 I knew this was a bad idea. 264 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,614 Yeah, marriage blows. 265 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,491 No, I mean meg's pregnancy. 266 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,284 I wish we could just fast-forward through 267 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,120 The next couple of months until she gives birth 268 00:11:45,247 --> 00:11:47,414 And this whole thing blows over. 269 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:53,503 Well, team, I tried meth. 270 00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:58,425 All right, guys, looks like I'm really liking meth. 271 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,345 Hey, guys, I need money. 272 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,597 Like, now. Like, yesterday! Like, now! 273 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,352 Hi, peter, my name is marcus. 274 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,104 Your family has written some letters 275 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,605 They'd like to read to you. 276 00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:14,607 You liars! 277 00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:22,323 Weird easter this year. 278 00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:26,077 Dad, you're back! 279 00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,996 Ah, we missed you so much. 280 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,497 Ah, I missed you guys. 281 00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,583 Meth was great, but I guess it's bad. 282 00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,501 I don't know, I'm not really sold on that yet. 283 00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:35,044 We're proud of you, peter. 284 00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:38,331 Uh, guys? I think my water just broke. 285 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,508 Oh, right, I forgot we were doing that. 286 00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,471 [panting] 287 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,307 Well, I see nobody brought me a doctor gift. 288 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,350 That's fine, you still have a year. 289 00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,811 Meg, I'm just going to check the contractions. 290 00:12:51,897 --> 00:12:53,605 "should've, would've, hadn't, 291 00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:56,816 Ma'am, 'twas." oh, they're getting closer together. 292 00:12:56,902 --> 00:12:59,360 It's coming! It's coming! 293 00:12:59,488 --> 00:13:01,571 Okay, we're out of gloves, so I'm gonna catch it 294 00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:03,281 With this panda express bag. 295 00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:04,824 Are you sure this is safe? 296 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,534 Oh, yeah, panda bags are medical-grade. 297 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,077 Just never use a subway bag. 298 00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,913 I've had, like, four go right through. 299 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,915 Uhp, it's in the bag already. 300 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,416 It's a girl. 301 00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:15,335 What's that big ol' vine coming out? 302 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,296 She looks like one of them pumpkins in cinderella. 303 00:13:19,508 --> 00:13:21,674 ♪ ♪ 304 00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,636 She... 305 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,513 She's beautiful. 306 00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:28,598 [crying] 307 00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:31,592 Ooh, that's awful loud. 308 00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:34,437 Yeah, that's a pee-poo-mix cry if I ever heard one. 309 00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:36,940 And it'll be a weird poo, that first one, trust me. 310 00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:38,775 You-you know that volcano in hawaii 311 00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:41,611 Where the lava just slowly rolls through people's yards? 312 00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:43,196 It's like that, only poo. 313 00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:46,324 That does sound like a lot to deal with. 314 00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:49,619 So, do you clean that up with, like, kleenex and febreezes? 315 00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:52,664 You know what, why don't I take the first shift? 316 00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:55,792 Well, it would give us a chance to finish doo-dadding her room. 317 00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,335 And we have to buy every product 318 00:13:57,462 --> 00:14:00,246 Of known baby expert jessica alba. 319 00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:02,674 Well, sounds like you guys have a lot to talk about. 320 00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:05,093 Thanks, meg. We'll text you tomorrow. 321 00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:08,429 Welcome to the world, little liza judy barbra. 322 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,350 All right, sush time for meg. 323 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,519 I know you want some hospital sush. 324 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,105 No? Dad? Sush? Pepsi max? 325 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,148 Ma? Diet max? Sush? 326 00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:21,818 Chris? Max? Code red? Sush? 327 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:24,571 No? Well, I'm getting some sush and a max. 328 00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,364 I'll be at the cafeteria. 329 00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,325 Don't get the sush, guys. 330 00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:37,292 [crying] 331 00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:42,213 Okay, okay, liza judy barbra. 332 00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:45,633 It's time for the bottle because I forgot to tweeze my nips. 333 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,343 [crying] 334 00:14:47,462 --> 00:14:50,430 This is getting ridiculous. It's been three days. 335 00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:53,308 Why haven't bruce and jeffrey picked up their baby? 336 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:56,227 I don't know. They're, like, super busy. 337 00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:57,854 Hey, look at the bright side, lois. 338 00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,105 With that baby around, you look like 339 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,648 The hottest grandma in town. 340 00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:02,734 [scoffs] the hottest grandma? 341 00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:04,861 The-the hottest grandma? [chuckles] 342 00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:07,530 [cackles] 343 00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:09,532 The hottest grandma! 344 00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:12,702 Ha-ha! Well, I mean, okay. 345 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,913 The hottest grandma should be jennifer aniston, 346 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,498 But the counting crows guy wasn't ready to commit. 347 00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:20,752 Poor bastard thought it was gonna be an endless run. 348 00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:25,882 That was bruce and jeffrey. 349 00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:29,302 They're not coming to get liza judy barbra until tomorrow now. 350 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,887 Ugh. Why not? 351 00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:33,222 Not that you guys care about this sort of thing, 352 00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:35,266 But jeffrey wrote a murder mystery that premieres 353 00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:38,102 Tonight at the cracker barrel in sturbridge. 354 00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:40,104 Oh, no! 355 00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,523 Yeah, but if you's got to go... 356 00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:44,692 [dramatic sting plays] 357 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,991 I made this a cutaway so I could see the show. 358 00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:56,371 Peekaboo! 359 00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:57,747 [speaking gibberish] 360 00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,248 [laughs] 361 00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,542 -[laughing] -[farting] 362 00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:09,384 [chuckles] yeah, yeah, it's hard to laugh without farting. 363 00:16:09,419 --> 00:16:12,136 Feels like you and me are on the same page about a lot of stuff. 364 00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:15,682 We work well together, like the employees at t.J. Maxx. 365 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,308 Hey, where should I put these? 366 00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,310 Just throw them on the floor and step on them. 367 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,562 That's our founder's motto. 368 00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,816 [announcer] t.J. Maxx. Teach your kids to drive 369 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,693 In our empty parking lot. 370 00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:33,324 Guys, look. 371 00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:36,077 Look at me. Now that I'm a hot grandma, 372 00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,287 I bought one of those novelty wine glasses 373 00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:40,915 That's big enough to hold an entire bottle of wine. 374 00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:43,292 Isn't that hilarious? 375 00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,713 It's okay. 376 00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:48,172 That was worth it for the joke. 377 00:16:48,258 --> 00:16:49,549 You did good, lois. 378 00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:51,259 You're building a comedic voice. 379 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:55,013 Okay. Here we go, liza judy barbra. 380 00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:58,057 Your first strained peas. 381 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:02,311 Wow, she is the most memorable 382 00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:05,023 And endearing baby I've ever seen. 383 00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,233 Okay, then. 384 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,068 [grunting] 385 00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,654 Oh, I'm sorry, are you... Are you almost done? 386 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,906 Oh, yeah, no, sorry, I'm just, I'm doing sets. 387 00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:16,367 -I'm just doing little sets. -Oh, cool, cool. 388 00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,202 -Guys, he's doing little sets. -Cool, cool. 389 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:19,787 -Little sets. -Cool, cool. 390 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:21,581 Meg, I am so impressed. 391 00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:24,125 Yeah, I had no idea you could be so maternal. 392 00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:26,586 I always saw you as a "drive into the lake" mom. 393 00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:28,087 So did I, mom. 394 00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:31,090 But, honestly, since liza judy barbra was born, 395 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:34,761 I feel like my life has purpose for the first time. 396 00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,220 [singsongy] knock-knock. 397 00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,014 I know this may be not a good time, 398 00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:40,141 But we just had to come see our little angel. 399 00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:41,809 "had to come see"? 400 00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,144 Where have you two been? 401 00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,271 Watching mamma mia and making popovers. 402 00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:47,065 What is wrong with you two? 403 00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,983 How irresponsible can you be? 404 00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:51,110 I mean, this is your daughter you abandoned. 405 00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:53,362 Abandoned? We wanted to come over, 406 00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:55,698 But meg kept saying it was a bad time. 407 00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:58,242 Meg, is that true? 408 00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:05,166 [sighs] this baby needs me. 409 00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:07,877 It's the first living thing that's ever needed me. 410 00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:10,546 For once, my life has purpose. 411 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,964 And I'm good at this. 412 00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:13,800 Better than these two, anyway. 413 00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:15,301 Maybe she's right. 414 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,845 What businesses do we have raising a child? 415 00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:20,264 And how's is we supposed to pay for her school? 416 00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:22,517 With our tesla and cashmere money? 417 00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:23,935 I don't think so. 418 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,521 We could dip into our boozy brunch fund. 419 00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:27,814 Don't you dare. 420 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:29,398 Oh, listen to me. 421 00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:32,068 I wouldn't know how to raise a baby. 422 00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:35,238 I'm sure she knows that, too. 423 00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:37,365 ♪ ♪ 424 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:39,909 Gaga. 425 00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,536 [gasps] gaga? 426 00:18:41,663 --> 00:18:42,912 Bruce, did you hear that? 427 00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:45,498 She said her first gay icon. 428 00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:46,666 Jeanne tripplehorn. 429 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:50,044 Oh, my god, a second, lesser-known gay icon. 430 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,796 She wants her daddies. 431 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:53,256 Meg, I'm sorry. 432 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:56,092 I know we're not perfect, but no parent is. 433 00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:57,760 And this is our child. 434 00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:59,137 She belongs with us. 435 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:01,806 But you don't know anything about raising a child. 436 00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:03,141 No one does. 437 00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,935 That's why two out of three don't turn out right. 438 00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:08,187 But that doesn't mean you don't try. 439 00:19:08,273 --> 00:19:10,273 ♪ ♪ 440 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:16,612 Meg, we'll always appreciate what you've done for us. 441 00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:20,032 And you'll always be a part of liza judy barbra's life. 442 00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:23,452 Yeah. You'll always be that slightly creepy teen 443 00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:26,914 Who birthed our baby and then we gradually lost touch with. 444 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,749 You better promise. 445 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,376 -We do. -We do. 446 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,253 In that case... 447 00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,716 ...I'll take a chance on you. 448 00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,509 [off-key] ♪ if you're all alone ♪ 449 00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:40,720 ♪ when the pretty birds have flown... ♪ 450 00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:44,182 -No! -That can't be the first time our baby hears abba. 451 00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:47,101 That's right. It should be at a jockstrap foam rave 452 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:48,811 In miami beach, same as me. 453 00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:50,563 What? Wait! 454 00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,315 But-but I'm the hot grandma! 455 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,692 [gasps] you're a grandma? 456 00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:56,819 You look amazing! 457 00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,946 Oh, you. Come on. 458 00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,240 Could a grandma wear this to a spin class? 459 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:04,035 I mean, yes, she could, because I did, 460 00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:05,912 So that happened. 461 00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:06,946 Thank you, meg. 462 00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:08,623 You've completed our family. 463 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,959 We have our baby and we have you. 464 00:20:12,086 --> 00:20:13,294 Well, I guess that means 465 00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:15,796 I can get rid of all my hot grandma merch. 466 00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:17,965 I'll just donate it to goodwill. 467 00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:20,134 You know what "gilf" means, right? 468 00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:22,637 Yeah. "god, I love fentanyl." 469 00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:24,347 You said it, pal. 470 00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:32,021 Well, bruce and jeffrey, I got to say, 471 00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:33,648 You two have really stepped up 472 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,691 To become a couple of great dads. 473 00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:36,776 Thank you, lois. 474 00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,069 You sound a bit surprised, 475 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:40,571 Which seems right for a woman with that haircut, 476 00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:43,032 But you're sweet to say so. 477 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,784 -[fussing] -uh-oh. 478 00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:47,119 Someone's being a little fussy britches. 479 00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:48,412 Oh, she's tired. 480 00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:50,790 You get the lights and I'll sing her to sleep. 481 00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:52,333 [fussing continues] 482 00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,961 [imitating thumping club bass beat] 483 00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,463 [fussing stops] 484 00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:00,299 Yeah, that seems about right for a guy with that haircut. 485 00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:02,510 [quietly] thank you, peter.