1 00:00:01,570 --> 00:00:04,800 ¶ It seems today that all you see ¶ 2 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:05,160 ¶ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ¶ ¶ It seems today that all you see ¶ 3 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,890 ¶ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ¶ 4 00:00:07,970 --> 00:00:11,730 ¶ But where are those good old-fashioned values ¶ 5 00:00:11,850 --> 00:00:14,730 ¶ On which we used to rely? ¶ 6 00:00:14,810 --> 00:00:18,460 ¶ Lucky there's a family guy ¶ 7 00:00:18,470 --> 00:00:21,970 ¶ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ¶ 8 00:00:21,970 --> 00:00:23,560 ¶ All the things that make us ¶ 9 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:24,740 ¶ Laugh and cry ¶ 10 00:00:24,860 --> 00:00:31,080 ¶ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ¶ 11 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:45,310 ¶ ¶ 12 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:12,460 Fart joke. 13 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:16,800 Sir, you need to get ready 14 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:19,630 for your lifetime achievement award ceremony. 15 00:01:19,710 --> 00:01:21,780 Thank you, shape-shifting valet. 16 00:01:21,860 --> 00:01:24,470 Remember, sir, I can be any shape you wish. 17 00:01:24,550 --> 00:01:27,310 Yeah, but you're already this, so... 18 00:01:34,390 --> 00:01:35,630 Excuse me. 19 00:01:35,710 --> 00:01:36,630 Pardon me. 20 00:01:36,650 --> 00:01:38,320 Beg your pardon. 21 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:39,710 Coming through. 22 00:01:39,710 --> 00:01:40,490 Nice to see you. 23 00:01:40,610 --> 00:01:42,560 Thank you for coming. 24 00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:49,550 What if I told you you could accumulate 25 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:50,810 all the wealth you'd ever want 26 00:01:50,830 --> 00:01:53,330 simply by learning the secrets of real estate? 27 00:01:53,410 --> 00:01:54,730 Oop, wrong room. 28 00:01:54,730 --> 00:01:56,740 And then what if you could use that wealth 29 00:01:56,820 --> 00:02:00,090 to turn yourself into a Broadway star? 30 00:02:11,670 --> 00:02:13,590 Welcome, ladies and gentlemen 31 00:02:13,670 --> 00:02:16,670 and 14 other genders we have now. 32 00:02:16,750 --> 00:02:17,750 I'm Lane Bergan, 33 00:02:17,750 --> 00:02:21,680 the biggest star of May 2020 and on. 34 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:25,420 So, if you've only watched TV up until April of 2020, 35 00:02:25,430 --> 00:02:28,430 my name would be unfamiliar to you. 36 00:02:28,430 --> 00:02:29,440 Lane Bergan? 37 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,160 What, did Brett Kingston say no? 38 00:02:34,770 --> 00:02:37,790 When the Dwayne Johnson Center for Confusing Ethnicity 39 00:02:37,860 --> 00:02:40,550 approached me about hosting this night, 40 00:02:40,620 --> 00:02:43,110 I said it'd be an honor to bestow upon 41 00:02:43,110 --> 00:02:47,870 Stewart Gilligan Griffin our Lifetime Achievement Award. 42 00:02:47,890 --> 00:02:50,720 When Stewie invented the Wipeless Dump, 43 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:54,560 our rainforests were hanging on by a thread. 44 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:58,140 Now, are there too many trees? 45 00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,460 Ladies and gentlemen, Stewart Griffin. 46 00:03:08,820 --> 00:03:10,640 Thank you for this wonderful honor. 47 00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:15,320 It's so wonderful to be here with all of you. 48 00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:18,920 You guys mind stopping for just one minute? 49 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,400 When I heard I was going to be receiving this award, I... 50 00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:24,980 I'm not the person who yells at waiters, 51 00:03:24,990 --> 00:03:27,760 but maybe everyone bussing tables can freeze? 52 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,820 I-I don't understand why I'm the person 53 00:03:29,820 --> 00:03:31,840 who has to be saying this, okay? 54 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,770 Okay, I'll never forget the first time I... 55 00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:37,600 Wow, really? 56 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,610 This award means the world to... 57 00:03:40,830 --> 00:03:42,680 ...me... 58 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:43,850 and I want to thank... 59 00:03:43,970 --> 00:03:46,600 everyone who... 60 00:03:46,670 --> 00:03:47,780 Anybody with a bowtie on, 61 00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:49,860 stop what you're doing, walk into the coatroom, 62 00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:52,620 and don't come out until I'm done talking! 63 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,520 I-I don't yell at waiters. 64 00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:58,960 I'm now going to stop mid-sentence 65 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,540 because I see someone from my... 66 00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,300 Brian? 67 00:04:13,790 --> 00:04:15,720 So, Brian, how's Frank Sinatra, Jr.? 68 00:04:15,790 --> 00:04:17,490 You two still hanging out? 69 00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:18,650 No. He died. 70 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,390 I'll never forget it, 71 00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:22,560 it was Spiro Agnew's birthday. 72 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,650 Wow, so you, uh, really went all-in 73 00:04:24,730 --> 00:04:25,880 with the Japanese screens. 74 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,150 Yes, I really like changing in silhouette 75 00:04:28,230 --> 00:04:29,560 while carrying on a conversation. 76 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,160 Will you excuse me? 77 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,400 So, how was your flight? 78 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:36,660 It was, uh, it was fine. 79 00:04:36,740 --> 00:04:38,670 I had a layover in Atlanta... 80 00:04:38,740 --> 00:04:40,220 What are you doing back there? 81 00:04:40,230 --> 00:04:42,560 Just getting into something more comfortable. 82 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:43,900 Can I interest you in a nightcap? 83 00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:45,510 -I think I've got... -Who is that? 84 00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:47,730 A little privacy, please! 85 00:04:47,730 --> 00:04:48,580 What the hell was all that? 86 00:04:48,660 --> 00:04:50,080 I have a lot of money, Brian. 87 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:54,220 But let's continue this while I take a very foggy shower. 88 00:04:56,670 --> 00:04:57,760 No, Stewie, come on. 89 00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,840 I haven't seen you in almost 50 years. 90 00:04:59,910 --> 00:05:02,260 And you haven't even told me how great I look. 91 00:05:02,340 --> 00:05:02,760 You do look great. 92 00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:03,920 Thanks to me. 93 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,530 I invented a pill to extend your life. 94 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,600 It's called "Semper Fido." 95 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,100 What? Why? 96 00:05:10,180 --> 00:05:12,620 Aren't you going to say anything about the cute name I gave it? 97 00:05:12,630 --> 00:05:13,440 Ha. 98 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:14,530 What? Why? 99 00:05:14,610 --> 00:05:16,090 I snuck it in your food because I wanted you 100 00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:18,930 to live long enough to see that global warming is bull crap. 101 00:05:18,930 --> 00:05:21,450 Oh, my God, we were so wrong about that. 102 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,530 If anything, it's way colder now. 103 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:24,540 Yes, and now thanks to you, 104 00:05:24,620 --> 00:05:26,710 we're stuck with President Polar Bear. 105 00:05:26,790 --> 00:05:28,550 President Polar Bear, is it true 106 00:05:28,670 --> 00:05:29,770 you ate the presidential seal? 107 00:05:29,780 --> 00:05:31,630 That was a simple misunderstanding. 108 00:05:31,700 --> 00:05:33,550 -No further questions. -President Polar Bear! 109 00:05:33,630 --> 00:05:35,800 President Polar Bear, what did you do for a Klondike bar? 110 00:05:35,870 --> 00:05:39,730 I believe the president has answered all of your questions. 111 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,120 Here's what I don't understand-- 112 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,450 why did you even want me to live this long 113 00:05:43,460 --> 00:05:44,550 if you were just gonna leave me? 114 00:05:44,620 --> 00:05:45,960 It's not about you, Brian. 115 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:46,960 I couldn't take it back there. 116 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,790 But they were your family, Stewie. 117 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,460 I guess I'm just not a family guy. 118 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:56,450 Mom and Dad always wanted me to be someone I wasn't. 119 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,820 Stewie Griffin, get in here right now! 120 00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:03,990 -Yeah? -Well, I just got our Christmas card photos. 121 00:06:04,110 --> 00:06:07,070 You want to tell me what you're doing with your hands here? 122 00:06:07,150 --> 00:06:07,590 Nothing. 123 00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:09,070 Exactly, nothing. 124 00:06:09,150 --> 00:06:11,910 And what does the greeting at the top of the card say? 125 00:06:11,990 --> 00:06:14,990 "Merry Christmas and a Shocking New Year." 126 00:06:14,990 --> 00:06:16,490 And what is every other member of the family 127 00:06:16,490 --> 00:06:17,600 doing with their hands? 128 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,080 -The shocker. -Right. 129 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,830 Now, listen, Stewie, I'm a cool dad, all right? 130 00:06:21,830 --> 00:06:24,620 I could care less what you do with the pink, truly. 131 00:06:24,620 --> 00:06:27,180 But the stink is where you get the "shocking." 132 00:06:27,260 --> 00:06:27,850 You get that? 133 00:06:27,930 --> 00:06:28,850 You get what I'm saying? 134 00:06:28,970 --> 00:06:31,170 Even if it's just one, that's fine. 135 00:06:31,170 --> 00:06:32,000 But you got to put something there. 136 00:06:32,010 --> 00:06:33,520 I-I think it's gonna be fine. 137 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,450 I'm sure people won't even notice. 138 00:06:37,340 --> 00:06:38,600 Oh... 139 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:39,690 Anyway, that's why I left. 140 00:06:39,770 --> 00:06:41,510 Well, that was a long time ago. 141 00:06:41,510 --> 00:06:43,350 You have to come back. 142 00:06:43,350 --> 00:06:44,370 Stewie... 143 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:45,520 Peter is dying. 144 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:46,460 What? 145 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,540 Oh, my God, that's awful. 146 00:06:48,610 --> 00:06:49,460 So, you'll come see him? 147 00:06:49,540 --> 00:06:50,690 Of course. 148 00:06:50,690 --> 00:06:51,800 You know, he once asked me in the event 149 00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:54,710 that he was sick to clear his Google history. 150 00:06:54,830 --> 00:06:57,930 "Peter Griffin search history." 151 00:06:58,550 --> 00:06:59,700 "Winnie the Pooh, 152 00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:01,460 "Winnie the Pooh jacket, 153 00:07:01,530 --> 00:07:03,880 "Winnie the Pooh vintage jacket, 154 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,480 "Winnie the Pooh letterman jacket, 155 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,630 "Winnie the Pooh windbreaker, 156 00:07:07,650 --> 00:07:09,390 "Eeyore jacket, 157 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:10,710 "Eeyore vintage jacket, 158 00:07:10,710 --> 00:07:12,650 "Eeyore letterman jacket, 159 00:07:12,730 --> 00:07:14,710 lactating pregnant Latinas..." 160 00:07:14,710 --> 00:07:16,710 Wow. Huge turn there. 161 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,490 "Piglet pencil erasers." 162 00:07:18,570 --> 00:07:19,900 Okay, getting back in there. 163 00:07:19,980 --> 00:07:22,570 "Full cast Winnie the Pooh backpack." 164 00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:24,810 Oh, "cancer symptoms," yeah. 165 00:07:24,890 --> 00:07:27,330 "Coughing up blood, pain in abdomen, 166 00:07:27,450 --> 00:07:28,730 Winnie the Pooh casket." 167 00:07:28,730 --> 00:07:29,730 Yeah, he is sick. 168 00:07:29,730 --> 00:07:30,820 You know, while we're here, 169 00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:32,510 let's take a look at your search history. 170 00:07:32,580 --> 00:07:33,730 No, Stewie, that's... 171 00:07:33,730 --> 00:07:35,660 "Spiro Agnew birthday." 172 00:07:35,740 --> 00:07:39,300 What a weird thing to try to impress me with. 173 00:07:45,110 --> 00:07:47,030 Okay, first stop, Chris Griffin. 174 00:07:47,110 --> 00:07:48,200 We have to pick up Chris? 175 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:49,370 Yeah, what's the problem? 176 00:07:49,490 --> 00:07:51,460 Uh, we didn't exactly get along too well. 177 00:07:51,580 --> 00:07:56,030 Especially after Grandpa died and left me the dark boathouse. 178 00:07:56,030 --> 00:07:57,140 You can still use the boathouse 179 00:07:57,250 --> 00:07:59,360 on non-vacation Sundays in the spring. 180 00:07:59,370 --> 00:08:01,870 I've always taken care of you, Chris. 181 00:08:01,870 --> 00:08:03,220 Taken care of me? 182 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:06,810 You're my kid brother, you take care of me? 183 00:08:06,890 --> 00:08:08,220 Sorry, I came down here to vape. 184 00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:11,150 Send Chris off to do this, send Chris off to do that. 185 00:08:11,230 --> 00:08:13,300 I'm supposed to be shoveling the driveway. 186 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:17,160 I'm your older brother, Stewie, and I was stepped over! 187 00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,140 It's the way Grandpa wanted it. 188 00:08:19,220 --> 00:08:21,140 It ain't the way I wanted it! 189 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,070 Sounds like you're having a personal conversation. 190 00:08:23,190 --> 00:08:24,330 I'll put in my earbuds. 191 00:08:24,410 --> 00:08:25,310 I'm smart! 192 00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:28,170 Not like everybody says, like dumb. 193 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:31,320 I'm smart and I want respect. 194 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,470 ¶ Funky Cold Medina. ¶ 195 00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:41,160 Chris, you live in filth. 196 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:42,180 What have you been doing? 197 00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:44,260 Yeah, I kind of wasted my life, 198 00:08:44,330 --> 00:08:47,340 except I obsessed over teaching my penis how to talk. 199 00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:48,260 What? 200 00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:49,260 Who's out there?. 201 00:08:49,340 --> 00:08:50,690 Settle down, just got some company. 202 00:08:50,770 --> 00:08:53,250 Well, aren't you going to introduce me? 203 00:08:53,250 --> 00:08:55,530 I'm getting to it, if-if you'll give me a second. 204 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,270 I want to have a look at them. 205 00:08:57,390 --> 00:09:00,850 Hey, numbskull, that's how we got in trouble the last time. 206 00:09:01,930 --> 00:09:03,430 He-he's really very friendly. 207 00:09:03,450 --> 00:09:06,020 Where's the Jamba Juice you were gonna get me? 208 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,120 Never mind, I'll order it on Postmates. 209 00:09:08,190 --> 00:09:09,220 No, you won't. 210 00:09:09,230 --> 00:09:12,540 Stop spending all our money. 211 00:09:15,290 --> 00:09:17,110 So, what's Meg been up to anyway? 212 00:09:17,110 --> 00:09:19,940 She runs a small private security business 213 00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:20,870 out in the desert. 214 00:09:20,950 --> 00:09:22,110 That sounds kind of cool. 215 00:09:22,110 --> 00:09:25,950 Well, she basically just tests bulletproof vests. 216 00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:28,800 -Ready? -One sec. 217 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,900 Yeah, go, go, go. 218 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,890 Ooh... yeah. 219 00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,060 This one can use another layer. 220 00:09:45,140 --> 00:09:46,910 Oh, hey, guys. 221 00:09:46,990 --> 00:09:48,160 Um, are you okay? 222 00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:49,420 Yeah, I'll be fine. 223 00:09:49,490 --> 00:09:51,810 Hi, Meg. Bring it in. 224 00:09:51,810 --> 00:09:52,920 Hi, Chris' Penis. 225 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,140 How are you? 226 00:09:54,150 --> 00:09:56,840 Same spit, different day. 227 00:10:01,340 --> 00:10:03,080 Wow, look at Quahog. 228 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,910 Light rail system, gleaming skyscrapers. 229 00:10:05,990 --> 00:10:07,170 ¶ Weenie and the Butt. ¶ 230 00:10:07,250 --> 00:10:09,660 But somehow, the same morning DJs. 231 00:10:09,660 --> 00:10:11,770 ¶ Quahog 97 ¶ 232 00:10:11,890 --> 00:10:13,830 ¶ FM on the radio ¶ 233 00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:15,090 ¶ And the Internet ¶ 234 00:10:15,110 --> 00:10:17,020 ¶ And the orb ¶ 235 00:10:17,090 --> 00:10:18,850 ¶ A new invention ¶ 236 00:10:18,970 --> 00:10:20,110 ¶ Which lets you hear stuff ¶ 237 00:10:20,190 --> 00:10:22,020 ¶ Right in your head ¶ 238 00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:23,260 ¶ Without a device. ¶ 239 00:10:23,340 --> 00:10:25,010 Try turning it off. 240 00:10:25,010 --> 00:10:26,340 You can't! 241 00:10:26,350 --> 00:10:27,600 That's not all that hasn't changed. 242 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:30,700 Cleveland's still on hold with United Airlines. 243 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,870 I'm starting to think my call is not important to them. 244 00:10:38,950 --> 00:10:40,210 Your call is important to us. 245 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,630 Thank you for remaining on the line. 246 00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:46,530 All right, you just bought yourself another year. 247 00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:48,310 And Seamus is still on hold with Spirit Airlines. 248 00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:51,220 We don't give a crap about you, but we're the cheapest, 249 00:10:51,290 --> 00:10:54,870 -so sit there and take it. -Ah, sea turds. 250 00:10:56,060 --> 00:10:59,210 Mr. Seamus, five minutes to showtime, Mr. Seamus. 251 00:10:59,210 --> 00:11:01,230 Oh, I want to fly standby to Pittsburgh, 252 00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:04,730 but I also want to host The Muppet Show. 253 00:11:09,220 --> 00:11:11,650 Look at all this traffic. 254 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,980 Yeah, Brady Boulevard is tight this time of day. 255 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,240 You know what? Cut over to Brady on Brady 256 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:18,150 and then take the Brady Bridge. 257 00:11:18,230 --> 00:11:20,250 Is everything in this town named after Tom Brady? 258 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,750 Oh, no, there's the Rob Gronkowski Library. 259 00:11:23,830 --> 00:11:26,240 The only book is just a label ripped off a Muscle Milk bottle. 260 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,850 And look, there's the Robert Kraft Marina, 261 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,570 full of tugboats. 262 00:11:30,580 --> 00:11:34,560 I heard he had a stroke. 263 00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:38,080 I can't even get my bearings. 264 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,420 I'm gonna ask someone for directions. 265 00:11:39,420 --> 00:11:41,030 I wouldn't do that. Since you left, 266 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:43,860 the New England accent has become incomprehensible. 267 00:11:43,940 --> 00:11:45,110 I'm sure it's not that bad. 268 00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:47,930 Excuse me, sir, where is the Quahog Harbor? 269 00:11:47,930 --> 00:11:49,430 -Cah gabbah? -What? 270 00:11:49,430 --> 00:11:51,870 I-I just, I just want to know where the Quahog Harbor is. 271 00:11:51,950 --> 00:11:52,950 Cah gabbah. 272 00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:54,950 Uh-oh, there's a lot of guys 273 00:11:55,030 --> 00:11:57,120 in Bruins hats turning around now. 274 00:11:57,190 --> 00:12:00,450 -Abbah dabbah. -Gwin' dahsee da Sawx. -N'abbah dabbah. 275 00:12:00,530 --> 00:12:02,030 -Cah gabbah. -Gwin' dahsee da Sawx. 276 00:12:06,370 --> 00:12:09,510 Aah! Brian, get out of here. Go, go, go! 277 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,280 Christopher "Irish or Italian name," 278 00:12:14,290 --> 00:12:16,290 are you causing trouble out there? 279 00:12:16,290 --> 00:12:18,050 -No, Ma. -Nomah? -Nomah! 280 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,820 -Nomah! -Nomah! -Nomah! 281 00:12:27,390 --> 00:12:29,150 What the hell happened to the neighborhood? 282 00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:30,320 Hey, Stewie. 283 00:12:30,390 --> 00:12:32,240 Here comes a double scoop of trouble. 284 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,990 Whoa, you look great, considering your age. 285 00:12:35,070 --> 00:12:36,320 Yeah, I'm basically exactly the same, 286 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:39,070 except I pretty much only talk about ice cream now. 287 00:12:39,140 --> 00:12:40,310 Oh, that's cool, that's cool. 288 00:12:40,310 --> 00:12:42,250 Yeah, you know what's cool? Ice cream. 289 00:12:42,330 --> 00:12:44,310 Want to go get a cup? Cone? Bowl? 290 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:45,830 I-I'm just trying to see my folks. 291 00:12:45,910 --> 00:12:47,320 Man, I love ice cream. 292 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,000 You know there's three different ice cream shops in Quahog? 293 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,910 -They're all good. -What's your favorite? 294 00:12:51,990 --> 00:12:53,930 They're all good. 295 00:12:54,010 --> 00:12:56,100 So that's the scoop from here. 296 00:12:56,180 --> 00:12:58,420 All right, well, good running into you, man. 297 00:12:58,500 --> 00:13:02,940 Oh, my babies, finally all together again. 298 00:13:03,020 --> 00:13:04,090 Hello, Mother. 299 00:13:04,170 --> 00:13:06,170 I mean, uh, damn you, vile woman. 300 00:13:06,170 --> 00:13:08,170 I must kill you, et cetera, et cetera. 301 00:13:10,530 --> 00:13:13,120 -Did Quagmire tell you about the ice cream? -Yes. 302 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,030 You know, there are three ice cream parlors in town. 303 00:13:16,110 --> 00:13:18,370 -We know. -They're all good. 304 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,290 -Yes, he said that. -They're all good. 305 00:13:20,370 --> 00:13:22,940 Have we already run out of conversation? 306 00:13:23,020 --> 00:13:24,800 Chris, Meg, how are you? 307 00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,630 -Good, Ma. -How are you? 308 00:13:26,710 --> 00:13:28,300 Oh, I can't complain. Little hard of hearing, 309 00:13:28,380 --> 00:13:31,030 which is why I turned on the closed captioning. 310 00:13:31,030 --> 00:13:33,640 It's about 30 seconds behind, though. 311 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,290 Wow, that is way behind. 312 00:13:36,370 --> 00:13:38,630 Now, what would you kids like for dinner? 313 00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:42,560 -It's 3:15, Ma. -I know, we waited for you. 314 00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:48,710 Yeah, we-we can go ahead and turn that off. 315 00:13:48,710 --> 00:13:50,490 How's Dad? 316 00:13:53,390 --> 00:13:55,550 Your father's had severe diabetes 317 00:13:55,550 --> 00:13:59,150 ever since they opened three ice cream stores in town. 318 00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:00,500 They're all good. 319 00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:03,410 You can't live like this, the house is falling apart. 320 00:14:03,490 --> 00:14:05,150 This is awful, and it's all my fault. 321 00:14:05,230 --> 00:14:08,010 Oh, Pop, I am so sorry I abandoned you all. 322 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,340 I never should've left home. What can I do? 323 00:14:10,460 --> 00:14:15,180 Just promise, when I die, that you will help our family. 324 00:14:15,260 --> 00:14:17,170 I will, I promise. 325 00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:20,340 This family will never want for anything ever again. 326 00:14:20,410 --> 00:14:22,850 -That's so generous. -Thank you. 327 00:14:22,970 --> 00:14:24,080 Chris, your hand. 328 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,270 All right, now that that's settled, 329 00:14:25,340 --> 00:14:27,930 let's celebrate with some of the music of now 330 00:14:28,010 --> 00:14:29,820 with closed captioning. 331 00:14:31,010 --> 00:14:33,370 ¶ Music of now, music of now ¶ 332 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:38,450 ¶ Music of now, music of now, music of now. ¶ 333 00:14:46,270 --> 00:14:48,380 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker, delivering the news 334 00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:51,880 with my Andy Rooney end-of-life eyebrows. 335 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,610 You won't hear anything I'm saying 336 00:14:53,610 --> 00:14:55,040 because they're so distracting. 337 00:14:55,110 --> 00:14:57,720 Now, let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa, 338 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,120 so we can be shocked at how well her people age. Tricia? 339 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:04,050 Tom, I'm standing here with flawless skin 340 00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:07,810 next to the shedding, crumbling, dusty ancient relics 341 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:10,890 of white people my age. 342 00:15:12,430 --> 00:15:15,240 Oh, Stewie, you've done so much to help our family. 343 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,320 I can't believe you put in an elevator. 344 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,970 Yes, and it even has elevator music. 345 00:15:20,970 --> 00:15:24,400 ¶ Music of now, music of now. ¶ 346 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,310 Aw, and thanks for these virtual reality glasses, 347 00:15:27,310 --> 00:15:30,660 so I can watch porn while talking to the family. 348 00:15:30,740 --> 00:15:33,740 So what's California like, Stewie? Ugh. 349 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:34,930 That was a penis. 350 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:38,100 So, do-do you still want to know about California? 351 00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:39,160 No, I'm done. 352 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:42,540 I have one more dying wish. 353 00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:46,190 Play the song, but play it slow because I am old. 354 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:51,000 ¶ A-well-a everybody's heard ¶ 355 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,170 ¶ About the bird... ¶ 356 00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:56,020 Family, help me dance. 357 00:15:56,140 --> 00:15:57,280 ¶ B-bird's a word ¶ 358 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,950 ¶ A-well, a bird, bird, bird... ¶ 359 00:16:00,030 --> 00:16:02,270 -How long, Peter? -I'll say when. 360 00:16:02,350 --> 00:16:04,960 ¶ A-well, a bird, bird, bird ¶ 361 00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:07,790 ¶ Well-a bird is a word ¶ 362 00:16:07,870 --> 00:16:11,960 ¶ A-well, a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's a word ¶ 363 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,210 ¶ A-well, a bird, bird, bird ¶ 364 00:16:15,290 --> 00:16:17,590 ¶ Well-a bird is a word. ¶ 365 00:16:23,870 --> 00:16:26,040 Oh, Dr. Hartman, thank you for coming. 366 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,150 Actually, I'm Dr. Hartman's son. 367 00:16:28,220 --> 00:16:31,060 Doctor Hartmanson? But I asked for Dr. Hartman. 368 00:16:31,180 --> 00:16:33,040 His jokes are getting worse, Doctor. 369 00:16:33,050 --> 00:16:35,970 Is there anything you can do for him? 370 00:16:36,050 --> 00:16:38,780 Now all we can do is wait. 371 00:16:41,050 --> 00:16:43,240 Lois... it's time. 372 00:16:43,310 --> 00:16:47,540 Oh, Peter, I'm gonna miss you so much. 373 00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:51,170 I see a white light. 374 00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:53,840 There are others inside of it. 375 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,510 Adam West, Carrie Fisher, 376 00:16:56,590 --> 00:16:58,340 Ricardo Montalbán, Phyllis Diller... 377 00:16:58,420 --> 00:17:01,250 Heaven is filled with every actor who ever died? 378 00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:04,090 No, this is actually just the ones who did our show 379 00:17:04,170 --> 00:17:06,020 right before they died. Crazy, right? 380 00:17:06,090 --> 00:17:08,760 Frank Sinatra Jr., Charles Durning, 381 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,250 Lauren Bacall, Rodney Dangerfield, 382 00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:13,340 Roy Scheider, Waylon Jennings, 383 00:17:13,420 --> 00:17:16,220 Ed Asner by the time this airs certainly... 384 00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:18,350 Dad, you don't have to do this, there are too many. 385 00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:21,270 Uh-oh, Conway Twitty is here, and he's pissed. 386 00:17:21,390 --> 00:17:23,280 Wait, he's wearing the Darth Vader helmet. 387 00:17:23,350 --> 00:17:26,930 Never mind, he was cool with it. 388 00:17:26,930 --> 00:17:30,100 This is it. 389 00:17:32,290 --> 00:17:34,710 Oh, he's trying to say something. 390 00:17:34,830 --> 00:17:36,860 H-His final words. 391 00:17:36,940 --> 00:17:38,050 Lactating... 392 00:17:38,130 --> 00:17:40,890 pregnant... Latinas. 393 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,770 I will, Dad, I promise. 394 00:17:55,480 --> 00:18:00,130 No, we won't cry for him, we will celebrate his life. 395 00:18:00,130 --> 00:18:03,820 The finest cigars for the finest family ever to live. 396 00:18:03,940 --> 00:18:06,730 Oh, Stewie, we love you so much. 397 00:18:06,810 --> 00:18:10,160 And I love you, which is why I must not delay any longer. 398 00:18:10,230 --> 00:18:11,320 I must get my affairs in order 399 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,810 and transfer my money to all of you. 400 00:18:14,810 --> 00:18:17,000 -I will see you all soon. -Oh, thank you, Stewie. 401 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:19,630 -We love you. -Thanks. 402 00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:43,170 We did it. We got him. 403 00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:44,510 I feel like we're in The Sting, 404 00:18:44,510 --> 00:18:48,860 that movie from 100 years ago about 150 years ago. 405 00:18:48,940 --> 00:18:50,350 Great work tricking him, Brian. 406 00:18:50,350 --> 00:18:53,200 Thanks. Well, you know, I credit my years as a writer. 407 00:18:53,630 --> 00:18:56,310 When I planned the con, I saw Quahog as a character... 408 00:18:56,390 --> 00:18:58,020 Okay, that's enough. 409 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,400 Had a pebble in my shoe. 410 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,140 Of course I knew the whole thing was a scam. 411 00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:14,480 They probably did that "crying turning into laughing" thing 412 00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:16,650 when I left, what a bunch of hacks. 413 00:19:16,730 --> 00:19:18,730 They're too stupid to notice I snuck into the kitchen 414 00:19:18,730 --> 00:19:20,820 and turned up the gas before I left. 415 00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:25,050 Chris should be lighting his cigar right about... 416 00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:28,680 Stewie, help. 417 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:32,010 It hurts! Reverse the pill! Let me die! 418 00:19:32,090 --> 00:19:37,260 Ooh, wish I could, but the pills were in the house, so, yeah... 419 00:19:37,340 --> 00:19:39,260 Stewie. Stewie! 420 00:19:39,380 --> 00:19:42,360 Stewie! Stewie! 421 00:19:42,430 --> 00:19:44,530 Stewie! Stewie! 422 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,920 Huh? What? 423 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,600 What the hell is wrong with you? You've been staring 424 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,510 at that old man Halloween costume for 30 minutes. 425 00:19:50,530 --> 00:19:53,680 21 plus commercials, but it's a big decision. 426 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,780 You know, I've always been afraid of being old, 427 00:19:56,860 --> 00:20:00,040 but now I think I'll like it just fine. 428 00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:07,460 Why are you walking so slowly? 429 00:20:07,530 --> 00:20:10,370 Turns out this costume is about 80% balls, 430 00:20:10,390 --> 00:20:14,280 and most of it's dragging behind me. 431 00:20:15,450 --> 00:20:17,880 -Uhp, we got a tangle. -Uhp, what do I do? 432 00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,140 Stop walking. I'll go back, you go forward. 433 00:20:19,210 --> 00:20:20,470 -Are you sure? -It's counterintuitive. 434 00:20:20,550 --> 00:20:22,620 I don't know, that-that doesn't seem right to me. 435 00:20:22,620 --> 00:20:24,550 -When you want to go left, you go right. -I'm just gonna pull forward. 436 00:20:24,570 --> 00:20:26,810 -Don't pull, don't pull. -I-I think if you come this way, 437 00:20:26,890 --> 00:20:29,900 -and I go that way... -Just stop walking and listen to me. Everybody freeze. 438 00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:32,160 Okay, let's just think about this. 439 00:20:38,380 --> 00:20:40,710 People of Argentina, 440 00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:42,400 I have heard your cries, 441 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,490 and I just want to say... 442 00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:45,630 Meg. Meg! 443 00:20:45,630 --> 00:20:47,720 I already told you you're not gonna be Evita. 444 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,630 You're gonna be the back half of Edgar the Farting Horse. 445 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,240 Now get in. 446 00:20:56,730 --> 00:20:59,250 Hey. I do the farting.