1
00:00:01,069 --> 00:00:04,805
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

2
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,376
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:11,545
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

4
00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:14,648
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

5
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:18,152
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

6
00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:21,655
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

7
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,324
♪ All the things that make us ♪

8
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:24,725
♪ Laugh and cry ♪

9
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:30,198
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

10
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,339
Peter, come on.

11
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,673
-What?
-We're starting.

12
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:41,242
Oh, is this, uh, a new one?

13
00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:43,511
I thought it was a rerun.
Okay, here we go.

14
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,579
(clears throat) Line?

15
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:48,048
(quietly): What are those guys
doing over there?

16
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:49,850
Hey, what are those guys
doing over there?

17
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,885
-(men cheering)
-I added a "hey."

18
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:54,355
ALL (chanting):
Here we go, Patriots!

19
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,023
All right, now let's go
miss the urinal

20
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,858
with half a whiz
and get out of here.

21
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,060
-(cheering)
-Right on!
-Hey, why you guys leaving?

22
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,196
We're taking a party bus
to the game.

23
00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:03,764
A bus for partying?

24
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:05,266
Aw, that sounds awesome.

25
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,268
Like a pair
of Pete's Headphones.

26
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:09,703
-("Oye Como Va" playing)
-♪ Oye como va ♪

27
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:10,938
♪ Mi ritmo ♪

28
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:13,441
♪ Buena pa' gozar ♪

29
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,442
♪ Mulata ♪

30
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,610
♪ Ba, ba-da ba-da-da ♪

31
00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:18,212
♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da ♪

32
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:22,216
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-
da-da-da... ♪

33
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:24,718
(crickets chirping)

34
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,387
Mom, can we eat?

35
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:29,123
My stomach is starting to sound
like Arnold Schwarzenegger

36
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,959
gasping for air
at the end of Total Recall.

37
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:34,128
STOMACH (as Schwarzenegger):
(shouts) My eyes are

38
00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,897
popping out
at the end of this movie!

39
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,799
Well, I'd like to wait
for your father.

40
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:41,902
L-Let me send him another
infuriating check-in text.

41
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:44,305
(singsongy):
Hel-lo!

42
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:45,806
Yes?

43
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:47,741
Peter, where the hell
have you been?

44
00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:50,411
On a magical journey to
Gillette Stadium and back.

45
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,246
You remember last night
when you called me

46
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,615
the lowest-class alcoholic
in the world?

47
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:58,286
Well, I found one rung lower.
I'm a party bus guy now.

48
00:01:58,319 --> 00:02:01,155
That's got to be way better
than when I drove a Fiat.

49
00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:03,591
-(Muzak playing over radio)
-Hey! You cut me off!

50
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,493
What? Turn down your radio.

51
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,828
I can't. My stomach's
pressed up against the dial.

52
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,330
You want to go?

53
00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:13,667
Get me 17 shoehorns and
some canola oil, and we'll go!

54
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:16,504
-(tires screech)
-Get back here!

55
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:19,173
(crowd cheering)

56
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:22,343
Okay, guys, now this is a bus
for a fireman's bachelor party.

57
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,812
So just follow my lead
and we'll fit right in.

58
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:26,814
-(excited chatter)
-All right!

59
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:28,849
9/11! Boston Strong!

60
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:31,785
Never forget!
How about this guy? You forget?

61
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:35,122
No way. You're too Boston Strong
to ever forget.

62
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,325
Let's roll!

63
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:40,961
Uh, I mean... civil servants
with hero complexes!

64
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,696
-(cheering)
-Boom!
-All right!

65
00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:44,798
Welcome, other firefighters.

66
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:47,368
-(rock music playing)
-Bring us the man of the hour.

67
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,736
Come on, Smitty!

68
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:53,807
(whoops) To my last night
as a free man!

69
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:57,311
(all screaming)

70
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:59,547
Hmm. Unfortunate timing.

71
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,515
Now, which one of these
scumbag firemen

72
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:03,217
will go after his fiancée?

73
00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:05,553
Already happened.
We're very happy.

74
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:08,656
(gentle guitar music playing)

75
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:13,193
♪ Firemen are not good friends ♪

76
00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:17,698
♪ They'll bang your wife
when you are dead. ♪

77
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,038
Peter, this sucks!

78
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,074
What are we doing out here?

79
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:36,950
(all grunting)

80
00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:41,355
I'm beginning to think
those vodka cranberries

81
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:43,724
may have had alcohol in them.

82
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:47,728
(indistinct chatter)

83
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:52,099
Wow, partying
on the bus to prom.

84
00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:54,201
Doesn't get much cooler
than this.

85
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,203
None of these lame kids
is drinking.

86
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:59,273
Eh, I think I know
what's going on.

87
00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:02,743
Hey, how many of you kids
are on the horny drugs?

88
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:05,579
I'm a cop.

89
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,782
(chuckles):
But I'm not a narc.

90
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,217
(cheering)

91
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,453
(chanting):
Cool cop! Cool cop! Cool cop!

92
00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,955
-(sniffs) Did you dook yourself?
-(chanting continues)

93
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,057
Just listen to the chant, Peter.

94
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,593
Listen to the chant.

95
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:24,432
♪

96
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,236
Close dancing, 12 o'clock.

97
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,072
Hey, arm's length,
dirty porno lovers!

98
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,308
So, going stag tonight, Meg?

99
00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:37,144
Oh, no, I brought someone.

100
00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:39,580
(high-pitched):
Hello. I'm in love with Meg.

101
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,249
Well, now I'm very sorry
I asked.

102
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,652
Wow, the end of high school.

103
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:47,154
Tonight, we pass around
Stifler's mom,

104
00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:50,090
and in the morning, it's off
to die quick in Vietnam.

105
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,426
Peter, I think you're getting
your movies mixed up.

106
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,161
Attention, students.

107
00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:57,431
It's time to announce
this year's prom king and queen.

108
00:04:57,465 --> 00:04:58,932
PETER:
Natalee Holloway!

109
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,502
(chuckles) Now, now.

110
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,003
And the winners are...

111
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:06,874
Connie D'Amico
and "Kermit Legs" Kyle!

112
00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:11,379
Ah, so close.

113
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,847
Hello, gorgeous.

114
00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:15,849
-How old are you?
-18.

115
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,685
All right, and I just
recorded you saying that.

116
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:20,020
And hi. I am Glenn Quagmire.

117
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:21,955
Courtney. Nice to meet you.

118
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,124
You don't look like
you're in high school.

119
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:27,127
I got held back.
You like getting held back?

120
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,463
Sometimes.

121
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,499
(dance music playing)

122
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,002
All right, youngins.

123
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,471
I dragged this piece of dirty
cardboard in from the alley

124
00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:39,707
to show y'all how to get down.

125
00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:41,742
Peter! Let's boogie!

126
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,545
(screams)

127
00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:46,213
("Apache (Jump on It)"
by Sugarhill Gang playing)

128
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:48,215
-♪ Ho! Ho! ♪
-(crowd cheering)

129
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,250
♪

130
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:17,010
Aah!
There was a staple in the box!

131
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,179
Where's the nurse's office?

132
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,415
Hey, you want
to get out of here?

133
00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:23,884
Yeah. Let's go.

134
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:25,686
You take requests?

135
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,855
What are you looking for?

136
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,723
♪ A-hunga, hunga,
hunga, hunga... ♪

137
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,859
(music stops)

138
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:34,928
(singing along to music):
♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me ♪

139
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:37,431
♪ Cocked your head to the side
and said I'm angry ♪

140
00:06:37,465 --> 00:06:39,433
♪ Five days since
you laughed at me... ♪

141
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:42,470
-I know all the lyrics.
I just don't know them fast!
-♪ Three days... ♪

142
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:47,875
-And initial here.
-What is all this?

143
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,610
Oh, these just say if anything
should happen to you,

144
00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:51,111
I'm not responsible,
blah-blah-blah.

145
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,746
I'm-I'm just boring myself.

146
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,948
I had a lot of fun
with you tonight, Courtney.

147
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:56,884
Me too.

148
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,719
(moans):
Oh, Courtney.

149
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,120
Oh, Glenn.

150
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,556
Oh, oh, giggity!

151
00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:06,059
Wait. Did you
just say "giggity"?

152
00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:07,461
Yeah. Sorry.

153
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:09,930
Sometimes I just blurt that out
when I get excited.

154
00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:11,999
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

155
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:18,071
Here. Rub this up and down
on the inside of your cheek.

156
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,173
-BOTH: Giggity.
-Aah! Stop saying that!

157
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,112
(device beeps)

158
00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:28,315
What is it, Glenn?
What's wrong?

159
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:31,485
You're... you're my daughter!

160
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,986
Oh, my God!

161
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:34,488
Wow.

162
00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:37,491
I guess this means
I have a phone call to make.

163
00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:39,092
Hey, it's Glenn Quagmire.

164
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:41,929
Would you tell Andrew
that he is not the father?

165
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,965
MAURY POVICH: Andrew,
you are not the father.

166
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:47,167
(crowd cheering,
Andrew shouting excitedly)

167
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,202
("Apache (Jump On It)"
by Sugarhill Gang playing)

168
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:52,372
(Andrew continues
shouting excitedly)

169
00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:04,952
Courtney, there's something
I just got to ask.

170
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,987
What the heck was the theme
of that dance?

171
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,355
What do you mean?

172
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,958
I mean, like, there was
palm trees like it was Hawaii,

173
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,293
but then there was
a suit of armor in the corner.

174
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,529
There was a big banner
w-with fish on it.

175
00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:18,165
Can we get back to the fact
that you're my dad?

176
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:20,300
Yeah, you're right.
I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

177
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:23,537
Well, let me ask.
What's up with your mom?

178
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:25,706
Actually, I never knew my mom.

179
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:28,809
I was hoping that you could
tell me about her.

180
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,378
Uh... of course I can.

181
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,013
Your mom...

182
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:36,516
your mom... was really...

183
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:38,852
thing hanging on
the bulletin board behind you.

184
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:41,555
That's so nice to hear.
Tell me more.

185
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:44,858
Oh, gosh, she was,
she was just so...

186
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,660
word on the bottom
of your coffee cup.

187
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:49,329
I always knew she would be!
What else?

188
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,832
I just have some
great memories of her...

189
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,867
numbers to call
in case of emergency

190
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:55,569
or accidental poisoning.

191
00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:58,572
It's like she's here
with us right now.

192
00:08:58,606 --> 00:09:01,174
So you don't know your mom?
Who do you live with?

193
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,210
Well, right now I'm on a futon

194
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:04,878
in the rafters
of my friend's garage.

195
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:07,180
Oh! Actually,
I better get going.

196
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,549
I have to feed their ferrets.
They breed them.

197
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,919
It's pretty terrifying.
(giggles)

198
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:15,088
Anyway, thank you so much
for being so nice,

199
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,424
and let's talk soon?

200
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,860
Wait, hold on. You can't
live in a ferret garage.

201
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:20,894
You need a home.

202
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:23,697
You know, you could
move in here.

203
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:26,266
I have an extra bedroom,
and the bed has a bunch

204
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,068
of different-sized
pillows on it.

205
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:30,904
Hmm. I do love dealing with
those pillows every day,

206
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,572
but are you sure?

207
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,574
I don't want to be a burden.

208
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:37,410
No, it's no problem.
Hey, you're my daughter.

209
00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:39,613
I want to make sure
you have everything you need.

210
00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:42,249
Thanks. That's sweet.

211
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:46,053
Um... okay! Yeah.
I'll move in.

212
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,621
That's huge for me.

213
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,923
Hey, is that an Instant Pot?

214
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,559
-No, it's a Crock-Pot.
-You got to get an Instant Pot.

215
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,628
You can make short ribs in it.
It falls right off...

216
00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:56,229
Yeah, yeah, falls right off
the bone. I know.

217
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,765
I've had this conversation
five times.

218
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,432
-(knock on window)
-Hey, Quagmire.

219
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,635
I hear you're considering
an Instant Pot.

220
00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:03,937
(sighs) Courtney,
that's Joe, my neighbor.

221
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:07,440
Hey, Courtney.
You getting this guy on board?

222
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,413
So, I think I had
a wet nightmare last night.

223
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:14,915
Is that possible?

224
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,818
-Hello, fellow daddios.
-Did you bang your kid yet?

225
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:20,654
Okay, Peter, can I talk to you
for a second?

226
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:23,623
I'm sorry, but I am not going
to stand for any misogyny.

227
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:25,625
Stop acting like
a Neanderthal pig.

228
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:27,327
Those sound scary.

229
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,763
What were you two ladies
talking about?

230
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:32,132
Joe, can I talk to you
for a second?

231
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:35,168
It's 2019.
Time-tested jokes like that

232
00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:37,337
are now offensive
and not funny at all.

233
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:40,007
Okay, I got to go.

234
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,475
I'm taking Courtney
to her first WNBA game.

235
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,311
I got courtside seats.

236
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,646
They're way in the back, but
I'm sitting next to Courtney.

237
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,982
(laughs)
I-I got dad jokes now.

238
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,318
See you, friends.

239
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,020
Yes, 911?

240
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,488
Someone has stolen
the old Quagmire

241
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:59,326
and replaced him with
a respectable man. (laughs)

242
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,829
OPERATOR:
Sir, this line is reserved
for emergencies only.

243
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,196
Please end your clammy joke.

244
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,032
-Okay. Sorry.
-(beep)

245
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:14,374
-You remember what I told you?
-I'm the best around.

246
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:15,976
Nothing's gonna
ever keep me down.

247
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,645
That's right. I made that up.
Now go get 'em, kiddo.

248
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,748
I'll be watching
with the other moms.

249
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,485
Here's all the usual suspects.

250
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,654
(chuckles):
Oh, you're doing a video.

251
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:31,158
Turn it... G-Get it off.
Glenn, I look terrible.

252
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,160
Glenn, Courtney's up!

253
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,328
Okay, okay, here we go. Please.

254
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,230
Let's go, Courtney!

255
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:45,538
Ah, perfect! That's a ten!

256
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:50,577
9.2? 9.2?!

257
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,112
9.2?!

258
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,084
9.2?!

259
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:06,426
9.2?! I'll give you a 9.2.

260
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:07,594
On the Richter scale!

261
00:12:08,762 --> 00:12:10,363
Courtney, let's go.

262
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:13,033
I get to go again.
We do it twice.

263
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,935
Oh.

264
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:30,450
Let's go, Courtney.

265
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,122
So, you liking
Take Your Daughter to Work Day?

266
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:36,589
Uh, yeah!

267
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:39,259
I can't believe my dad knows
how to fly this thing.

268
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:42,262
-You want to try?
-Me? I don't know.

269
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:43,596
Come on, it's easy.

270
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,065
You don't even need
a college degree,

271
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:48,101
which is a very scary true fact.
Go ahead.

272
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,604
You're doing great. Now roll it.

273
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:53,573
(chuckles):
What? No way.

274
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,243
Don't worry, you're a Quagmire.
It's in your blood.

275
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,511
-Grip it and rip it.
-Okay.

276
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:00,780
(passengers screaming)

277
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:03,783
QUAGMIRE:
Attagirl. Perfect.

278
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,452
N-No. No, no.
We're not doing that.

279
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:07,921
I got my daughter
with me today, you perverts.

280
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,322
PILOT:
He's not doing it today.

281
00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:10,991
-PILOT 2: Aw, shoot.
-PILOT 3: Another time.

282
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,826
PILOT 4:
Probably got his kid with him.

283
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,966
I'm glad you guys could finally
come over for dinner.

284
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,934
Sure thing, Lois.
Thanks for having us.

285
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:23,837
See, Meg?
That's a thigh gap.

286
00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:26,473
Now, Courtney, I'd like
to awkwardly introduce you

287
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:27,975
to someone your own age.

288
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,442
Courtney, this is Megan.

289
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,144
Maybe you listen
to the same music.

290
00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:32,312
-Hey.
-Hey.

291
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,646
Yo, Courtney,
what's your Instagram?

292
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:34,848
I just got on there

293
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,616
and need some interesting peeps
to follow.

294
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,818
Oh, you'll have to ask my dad.

295
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,021
He approves
all my follow requests.

296
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:43,790
Denied! Nice try, ass.

297
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,126
Hey, have you guys seen
the Wonder Woman film?

298
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,961
-Yeah, no.
-Oh, you have to.

299
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:49,162
It's a triumph.

300
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:50,998
Courts and I
have seen it five times.

301
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:52,699
It's an important movie, Peter.

302
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,135
You should watch it with Meg.
It's a masterwork.

303
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,836
Oh, I've been wanting
to see that.

304
00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:58,538
Okay, we totally will.

305
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,042
Hey, Dad,
I just checked the weather,

306
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,811
and it looks like sunny skies
all weekend.

307
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,480
-You guys have big plans?
-Yeah, we're going camping.

308
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,849
Hey, you and Meg should
come with us, Peter.

309
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:12,319
We'll make it a father-daughter
bonding weekend.

310
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,488
-Oh, that's a great idea.
-Yeah, let's go, Dad.

311
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,657
Y-You know who you should take
instead of me?

312
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,160
Uh, Stewie or-or Chris or Brian.

313
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,561
May-Maybe Lois.

314
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:23,696
Or Seamus is fun.

315
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,832
Carter Pewterschmidt,
Babs Pewterschmidt,

316
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,035
Bonnie, Joe, their son Kevin,

317
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,703
Cleveland, Jerome,
Bruce, Opie, Carl,

318
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,540
the "phony" guy,
the ostrich, Al Harrington,

319
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:37,077
Billy Finn, John Travolta
from one of our cutaways,

320
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:40,013
uh, all of our characters
as Star Wars characters,

321
00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:41,848
everybody from
The Cleveland Show,

322
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,350
Cherry Chevapravatdumrong--

323
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,851
that's how that name
is pronounced--

324
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,020
the Orville--
the ship, not the cast--

325
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,556
um, me... Aw, damn it!

326
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,391
Okay, fine. I'll go.

327
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:52,559
-Thank you.
-Cool.

328
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:55,195
I heard my name, too. I'm in!

329
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,764
No? I'll drive, buy snacks?

330
00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:59,566
No? Okay.

331
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:01,801
Everyone else is out here, too.

332
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:05,272
(indistinct chatter)

333
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,712
Oh, my God,
it's literally everyone.

334
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,748
That can only mean...
show ghosts!

335
00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,784
♪

336
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,624
(grunts)

337
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,999
♪

338
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,075
I'm really glad
you decided to bring Meg

339
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,077
on this camping trip, Peter.
It's gonna be great.

340
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,779
-Because we're in the...
-Because we're in
the great outdoors.

341
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:49,449
(inhales deeply)

342
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:50,950
(exhales):
Ah.

343
00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:53,586
You don't get air like this
back in Quahog, do you, Pete?

344
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,922
Uh, I don't know.
Some places, probably.

345
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:59,759
Hoo-ah! Gosh, being in nature
gives me such great energy.

346
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,095
Hey, Courtney, you ever see
a yellow-headed warbler?

347
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,331
That's the only warbler
I haven't seen.

348
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:05,965
Not for long it's not.

349
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,667
(whistling bird call)

350
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,669
Don't answer that.

351
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,671
We're eating.

352
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:12,972
They're probably eating.

353
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,841
Okay, we're gonna have
a fun camp competition.

354
00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:17,277
And the first event,
worth five points,

355
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,312
is a race down to the lake
right now!

356
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,348
Last one there is
a stinky poo-poo egg!

357
00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:22,815
Come on, Dad!

358
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:26,519
What Meg didn't know,
what none of them knew,

359
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,321
is that I already was

360
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:30,857
a stinky poo-poo egg.

361
00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:36,363
Boy, you don't get
stars like this

362
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:37,864
back in Quahog, do you, Pete?

363
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:39,299
Stop calling me Pete.

364
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:41,801
I know what'll cheer you up.
Skits!

365
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,970
(to "Charge" fanfare):
♪ Skits, skits, skits, skits ♪

366
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,972
♪ Skits, skits,
skits, skits ♪

367
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,974
♪ Skits-skits-skits-skits,
skits-skits ♪

368
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,576
♪ Skits! ♪

369
00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:53,480
(whistling a tune)

370
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:56,383
Well, isn't this
a perfect bench for a sit.

371
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:00,720
Say, Dad, what are you doing?

372
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:02,855
Oh, just sitting on
the invisible bench,

373
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,192
reading about those
North Korea jokesters.

374
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:08,995
But, Dad, they moved
the invisible bench last week.

375
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,030
Oh. It's over there now.

376
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:14,201
Whoa!

377
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:17,003
(Meg and Courtney laugh)

378
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:20,107
Ladies and gentlemen,
"The Invisible Bench" skit.

379
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:22,742
Peter, you're up.

380
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:26,045
Okay, here's one.
I call it "The Invisible Noose."

381
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:28,181
First, I throw a rope
over this tree limb,

382
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:29,582
put the noose around my neck.

383
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,584
Now I'll just step
onto this rock

384
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:34,287
and jump off into
the sweet relief of death.

385
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:41,261
Peter, would you mind
flattening your rod?

386
00:17:41,294 --> 00:17:43,763
Fine. I'll Tootsie it
between my thighs.

387
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:46,966
Yeah, okay, whatever gets it
away from my daughter's face.

388
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,541
Are you eating an apple
with a knife?

389
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,443
God, that's always so forced.

390
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:59,112
Hold on.
We've been here already.

391
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:00,880
Yeah, she's right.

392
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,915
That's where I graffitied
that rock.

393
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:08,388
We've changed our minds.
We're going on record.

394
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,722
We're not lost, all right?

395
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,458
We're just two dads
bonding with our daughters,

396
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:13,626
and getting lost
is not part of the plan.

397
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:14,627
All right, nobody panic.

398
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:15,962
We just need to get
our bearings.

399
00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:17,297
Hey, here comes a hiker.

400
00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:19,399
Excuse me, sir, we're lost.

401
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:21,968
Ha! Then you must be
my car keys, right?

402
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:24,804
(laughs) It is so nice
to get out of the city

403
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,639
and meet friendly people.

404
00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:29,108
You're not helping, Dad.
As usual.

405
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:30,810
Well, at least
I didn't get us lost.

406
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:34,314
We're not lost! We're just...
two dads in the woods,

407
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:36,983
who love our daughters
very, very much.

408
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:39,586
Okay, so maybe it's not
the life we chose.

409
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,255
Well, you chose it. I didn't.
That's for damn sure!

410
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:43,656
-Dad, will you help him?
-Shh.

411
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:45,658
I've been waiting for this.
I knew it was fake.

412
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:47,327
Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't...

413
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,596
I'm not Dad! I'm Quagmire!

414
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,097
Glenn Quagmire!

415
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,599
Giggity (bleep) giggity!

416
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,667
I don't want to be out here!
I hate camping!

417
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:56,969
And what the hell was the theme
of that stupid prom?!

418
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:58,838
All the cups said,
"Oh, What a Night!"

419
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,174
I mean, if it was,
"Oh, What a Knight" with a "K,"

420
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:02,342
that would've made some sense,

421
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:03,943
'cause there was
a suit of armor there.

422
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,012
What was that about?
Answer me!

423
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:08,848
I-I think it's possible
to overthink these things.

424
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:10,517
Ugh, what a mish-mosh.

425
00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:12,118
Damn it, I just want to be home,

426
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,687
not here, lost in the woods,
looking at this stupid map

427
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:16,456
with a magnifying glass.

428
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:17,657
Aah!

429
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:20,693
♪

430
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,467
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?

431
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:28,535
I don't know.

432
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:31,304
-Help!
-Dear God, someone help us!

433
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,039
You know when this
would never happen?

434
00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:35,308
If I was sitting on the couch,
watching TV,

435
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,210
ignoring you completely.

436
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:40,313
Courtney, I'm sorry
for what I said earlier.

437
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,982
You mean when you completely
ripped my school dance theme?

438
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,817
No, no, there was no theme
to rip.

439
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,886
That's the point.
I stand by all of that.

440
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:48,388
If anything, I'm more angry.

441
00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:50,390
No, I'm-I'm talking about
being your father

442
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,891
before I was ready.

443
00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:54,694
I promise, if we make it
out of here,

444
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,363
we can start again.

445
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,931
-Deal?
-Deal.

446
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:04,704
(helicopter blades whirring)

447
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,574
9/11!

448
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:09,742
Boston Strong!

449
00:20:09,776 --> 00:20:11,578
Oh, it's Smitty.

450
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:12,912
We're saved!

451
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:15,081
But we should warn the birds
the fire's coming.

452
00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:16,749
(whistling bird call)

453
00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:20,086
All right, stay calm.

454
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:23,556
Grab the pictures.
I'll get your mother's ashes.

455
00:20:28,795 --> 00:20:31,698
Wow, Peter, that was
a close call with that fire,

456
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,401
but I'm glad you all
made it back safe and sound.

457
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:35,735
Yeah, me, too.

458
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:37,203
What the hell?

459
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,938
Oh, I hope it's okay.

460
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,773
I bought some more pillows.

461
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:42,809
(jazzy bass riff playing,
canned laughter)

462
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:47,246
I mean, what is the deal
with women and pillows?

463
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,715
Has-has anyone else
noticed this?

464
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,783
MAN:
No.

465
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:54,554
No one? But I-I got three
minutes of material on pillows.

466
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,756
-MAN: We don't want to hear it.
-(music stops)

467
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:01,561
(scatting jazzy bass riff)

468
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:03,095
(sings ending flourish)