1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,572 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:07,841 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:11,545 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:14,515 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:18,119 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:21,555 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,191 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:24,492 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:30,098 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,805 (singsongy): Stone fruit season! 11 00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:40,274 Now, those are what my granddaddy called 12 00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:41,909 "proposin' peaches." 13 00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,844 Don't be shy, now. Dig in. 14 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,714 (loud slurping) 15 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,916 (laughing) 16 00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:51,051 Whoa-ho! 17 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,522 Here I go. 18 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,023 (loud slurping) 19 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,858 (both laughing) 20 00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:01,995 Don't you do it. Don't you go to the gross side. 21 00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:03,364 It's out of my control. 22 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,865 They're too... juicy. 23 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,500 We exchanged a look earlier. 24 00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,869 We have a grossed-out, no-fun alliance. 25 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,338 (slurping) 26 00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:12,340 So, you guys like peaches, huh? 27 00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:13,641 -Yeah. -Hold on. 28 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:15,776 I need a large pane of glass. 29 00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:18,746 Well, I got her phone number. 30 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,714 How do you like them peaches? 31 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,383 "888-LAP-BAND"? 32 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,618 Covered by most insurance. 33 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:26,720 Guys, check it out. 34 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,423 In honor of opening day at Fenway Park this weekend, 35 00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:32,526 the Red Sox are offering four tickets behind home plate 36 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,629 to the person who makes the best Red Sox ad. 37 00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,165 -Oh... -My... 38 00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,166 Freaking... 39 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,000 (farts) 40 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,903 Guys, winning those seats is our highest priority. 41 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:46,307 Even higher than my dream of winning socks-on karate. 42 00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,044 (grunts) 43 00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:52,746 Point! Winner! 44 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,315 -Ow! -Ow! 45 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,422 Ah, this is the life. 46 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,192 -Thanks, Peter. -I still can't believe you won 47 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,527 by filming yourself pooping in a Yankees helmet. 48 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,462 I am not a subtle filmmaker, 49 00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:10,931 and my audience wouldn't have it any other way. 50 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,701 Joe, what are you eating your ice cream out of? 51 00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,103 They ran out of those mini batting helmets, 52 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,239 so they're serving it in athletic cups. 53 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:20,274 Did you buy that from a certified vendor? 54 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:23,444 He wasn't behind the counter, but he had a blue shirt on. 55 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:26,247 I think somebody might be having a little fun with you. 56 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,082 Yeah, come to think of it, he did have a friend filming, 57 00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:32,220 and he made me eat the first seven bites in front of him, 58 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,121 and he didn't charge me anything. 59 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,656 Do you, uh... 60 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,458 do you want this? 61 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,660 I'll take a bite. 62 00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,695 Four beers, please. 63 00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,498 Anything else, fellas? 64 00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:46,300 PETER: Uh, yeah, I'll have a beer. 65 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,735 Anyone else want another? 66 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,270 PETER: Yeah, why not? 67 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:50,871 -Quagmire? -QUAGMIRE: I'm good. 68 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:52,906 PETER: I'm good with one more. 69 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,174 -Cleveland? -I'm fine. 70 00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:56,176 PETER (slurring): Yeah, I'm fine with one more, too. 71 00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:58,979 I-I'm gonna take it with me to the can. 72 00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:08,121 All right, now to have the only exciting thing 73 00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:11,325 in the game happen as soon as I turn my back. 74 00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:12,826 (cheering) 75 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,396 (cheering, whistling) 76 00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:17,598 (cheering) 77 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:19,867 (cheering) 78 00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:23,136 (cheering) 79 00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:27,741 (cheering starting and stopping) 80 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,581 (cheering) 81 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:36,484 (cheering) 82 00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:41,989 Hey, buddy, that's just a break in the line 83 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:43,357 so people can pass through. 84 00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:44,858 End of the line's that way. 85 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,862 Yeah, it's all the way to that guy with the scorebook 86 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:50,564 just waiting for someone to talk to. 87 00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,600 Don't get used to Benintendi's two-strike hitting. 88 00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,202 His history will tell you it's not a sustainable pace 89 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,737 for an everyday outfielder. 90 00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,739 Aw, screw that. I'm using the ladies' room. 91 00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:00,207 How bad could it be? 92 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,643 (Peter screams) 93 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,111 I saw a mouse. 94 00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:06,880 Buddy, if you really gotta go, you can use that one. 95 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,551 A bathroom for Prince? 96 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,553 I can't use that. I'm not Prince. 97 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,322 (chuckles): It's not for Prince. 98 00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:17,057 Space Cats? I'm not a Space Cat. 99 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:20,661 Sir, I can assure you there's no such thing as Space Cats. 100 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,631 Now, can you direct me to Earth's reserve of yarn? 101 00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,933 Aw, screw this. 102 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,068 Excuse me, ma'am, could you direct me 103 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,971 to Earth's reserve of near-empty tuna tins? 104 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:33,073 Are you a Space Cat? 105 00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,777 -He's been made. -We've got to call him back. 106 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:37,778 (beep) 107 00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:38,912 Psst, psst. (clicking tongue) 108 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,614 Psst, psst. (clicking tongue) 109 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,386 Guys! I found the best toilet in the whole place. 110 00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:48,556 -Next time... -Peter! You're on the jumbotron! 111 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,558 -(gasps) Where? -Right there! 112 00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:52,560 -(gasps) Here? -There, Peter, there! 113 00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:53,694 (gasps) Here? Yes? 114 00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:55,563 It's right in front of you, Peter! 115 00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:57,264 -(gasps) Right here? -CLEVELAND and QUAGMIRE: No! 116 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,799 -Oh, over here? -Damn it, Peter, 117 00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,100 you're gonna miss it! 118 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,835 (gasps) Is-is this... is this it? 119 00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:04,037 (gasps) Aha! Where? 120 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,840 (chuckles) Guys, look! I'm on the jumbotron! 121 00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:08,876 ANNOUNCER (over P.A.): Ladies and gentlemen, 122 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:11,278 let's give a big Boston welcome to Peter Griffin, 123 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,582 the fist transgender Red Sox fan. 124 00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:16,817 Peter, you used the transgender bathroom, 125 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,487 so now everyone thinks you're transgender. 126 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,855 Cleveland, what are you eating your Cracker Jacks out of? 127 00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:24,324 Oh, the guy said they were out of regular boxes, 128 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:27,227 -so he gave me this box. -What did he look like? 129 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:28,529 Like this. 130 00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:31,264 Hey, that's the ice cream guy! 131 00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:33,300 I got a handful, too, Peter. 132 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,503 You want to see who can finish faster? 133 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:36,804 You're on! 134 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,706 It looks like we've got ourselves 135 00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:41,174 a good old-fashioned Cracker Jack off. 136 00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:49,182 Good morning, Peter. We saw the game last night, 137 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,251 and, well, we just want you to know 138 00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:54,154 that we wholeheartedly support all transgender people. 139 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:56,189 -But I'm not... -Peter, before you say anything 140 00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:59,126 that might clear all this up, let me tell you 141 00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:03,030 about our stellar transgender employee benefit package. 142 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,399 Benefits? I'm trans-listening. 143 00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:08,536 Well, as such, you're entitled to supplemental time off, 144 00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:10,070 our on-site masseuse 145 00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:12,205 and a $60 gift card from Nordstrom Rack. 146 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,307 -Nordstrom?! -Rack. 147 00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:16,309 -Yeah, but Nordstrom! -Yes, I understand. 148 00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:17,878 But it's just... Rack. 149 00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:20,848 Well, in the words of trailblazer Caitlyn Jenner, 150 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,451 "I will do anything for money and attention." 151 00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:24,885 So brave. 152 00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:28,221 Great. We'll send the paperwork down to your office. 153 00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,958 Well, better use the men's room one last time. 154 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:33,060 Lot of history in there. 155 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:36,063 ♪ 156 00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:41,535 You. 157 00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:44,237 And you, the Hungry Hungry Hippo. 158 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:48,509 You'd always swallow it before I could see what I did. 159 00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:52,212 And one last look at my crack imprint on the walk of fame. 160 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:56,717 God, I remember that day. 161 00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,687 I would find out later 162 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,989 that when you put your ass in wet cement, 163 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,591 you're just sealing it shut forever. 164 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,893 Best they could do was poke holes in it 165 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:08,295 so it comes out like Play-Doh spaghetti. 166 00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:11,064 Anyway, that's the first act. 167 00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:19,372 Peter, pretending to be transgender to get time off work 168 00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:22,275 trivializes a real struggle in this country. 169 00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:24,812 Did the... did the Space Cats get to you? 170 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:28,281 I don't know what that is, but you got to knock this off. 171 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:32,152 And direct me to Earth's reserve of sun-dappled window seats. 172 00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:33,554 Lois is right, Peter. 173 00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,789 Besides the fact that you're lying to your employers, 174 00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:37,591 you're taking advantage of a civil liberty 175 00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:38,992 that so many oppressed people 176 00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,460 have fought their entire lives for. 177 00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,930 Shut your mouth, Brian. I'm part of a movement. 178 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,297 Hey, what is "transgender," anyway? 179 00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:46,033 Is that the stuff in potato chips 180 00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,735 that makes your bum go bam? 181 00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:49,903 (groans) It-It's pointless arguing with you. 182 00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:52,372 Cool. Now, in order to pull this off, 183 00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,341 I'm gonna have to look the part. 184 00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:56,343 Lois, which dress may I borrow? 185 00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:59,412 None. My closet is off-limits. 186 00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:02,115 Fine. There's got to be something in the attic. 187 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:05,452 I can't even begin to describe the density of illness 188 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,420 I feel in my bone marrow right now. 189 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,723 That is-that is how appalled I am by this. 190 00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,491 -Other guys? -Sorry, Peter. 191 00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:13,661 I don't see you getting away with this one. 192 00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:15,328 Look, Peter, the good news is 193 00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:17,497 you still fit in your wife's wedding gown. 194 00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,432 Not every guy can say that. 195 00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:21,835 It's actually Meg's. She commits murders in it. 196 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,336 What's this, now? 197 00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,839 That's just it, Peter-- this whole thing is a joke to you. 198 00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:27,941 Are you forgetting I have a dad who's a woman? 199 00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:29,577 No, of course not. That's the first thing 200 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,011 everyone thinks of when they see you. 201 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,279 But th-this isn't like that. 202 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,414 And I thought you guys would support me. 203 00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:36,850 Like we all supported Joe on that road trip. 204 00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:39,653 -Boy, I am stuffed. -Oh, I forgot to mention, 205 00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:41,855 one of you guys has to be in charge 206 00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:43,591 of changing my diaper the whole trip. 207 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,292 Why don't we all just switch off? 208 00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,595 Oh, there will be other jobs for other people. 209 00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:50,230 Okay, I guess we should, like, draw straws or something. 210 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,032 Actually, I've been observing all of you 211 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:55,468 for the past few hours, and I choose Quagmire. 212 00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:57,871 -What?! Why me? -You've got long fingers. 213 00:08:57,905 --> 00:09:00,140 And I feel like you wouldn't crack 214 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,275 if things start to go south. 215 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:05,045 (sighs) Fine. How do I know when it's time? 216 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,547 Well, I'll turn to you, very sincerely, 217 00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:09,883 and I'll look you right in your eyes, 218 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:13,553 and I'll say, "Quagmire, I've got poopies." 219 00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:14,855 Ugh. 220 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,523 Now, Quagmire, I've... 221 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,558 -You got poopies. I know. -No! 222 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,628 You're supposed to let me say it! 223 00:09:22,429 --> 00:09:24,397 Quagmire... 224 00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,566 I've got poopies. 225 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,573 -Dad! -Dad! 226 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,876 How goes the transition, Mr. Griffin? 227 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:39,212 Like Huma Abedin, I'm trying to forget about my Weiner. 228 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,414 Whoa, we're doing Cheers, not Frasier. 229 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,416 -(sighs heavily) -Tough day, Dad? 230 00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:45,552 I don't get it. How does Rebel Wilson 231 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,054 always look so fetching? 232 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,056 -Does she, though? -You could be, too, 233 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,692 if you just let your hair down a little. 234 00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:58,766 Now you just take that beautiful hair down to the salon, 235 00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,433 and you'll be a ten. 236 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,935 On a scale of a billion? 237 00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:03,203 Thanks, Chris. 238 00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:05,939 Thanks for helping me at 11:30 on a school day. 239 00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:08,041 There was a shooting. 240 00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:10,610 (intro to David Bowie's "Queen Bitch" plays) 241 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,880 ♪ She's an old-time ambassador ♪ 242 00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:15,783 ♪ Of sweet-talking, night-walking games ♪ 243 00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:19,887 ♪ But she's a queen and such are queens ♪ 244 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,622 ♪ That your laughter is sucked in their brains. ♪ 245 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,925 I'll take 'em all. 246 00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:29,462 Well, hello. 247 00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,437 -Where you going, Dad? -Out. 248 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,908 Now that I'm living as a woman, I can say whatever I want to men 249 00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:43,811 and they can't hit me. 250 00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,312 Oh, hey, Peter. 251 00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,914 Sully could've made it to an airport. 252 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:49,316 Hey, you shut your mouth! That man is a hero! 253 00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,884 Ah, ah, ah, ah! Woman. 254 00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,485 (sighs) Well, it's definitely true 255 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,587 that I respect the boundaries of women. 256 00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:56,990 Oh, hey, Sherry, uh, just-just get in the fireplace. 257 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,126 I'll-I'll spit down the chimney. 258 00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:02,295 Hey, Joe. How's the suspension going? 259 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,731 When you get married, 260 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,966 you don't think you'll be home together all day. 261 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,968 It's, uh... trying. 262 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,837 BONNIE: Who's at the door? 263 00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,671 (Joe inhales deeply through nose) 264 00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,006 (yelling): It's my friend! 265 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,174 So, what's up, Peter? 266 00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,509 I just wanted to tell you that I'm the one 267 00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:18,511 who planted the evidence that got you suspended. 268 00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:21,048 What?! I'm gonna kill you! 269 00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,515 Ah, ah, ah! Woman. 270 00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:23,984 Oh, right. 271 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,352 BONNIE: Joe, close the door. 272 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,387 You're letting the bugs in. 273 00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:30,858 Is your daughter still killing people? 274 00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:32,325 She is. 275 00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:36,764 Hey, Chris Brown. 276 00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:39,800 I just wanted to say I'm a huge fan of your music. 277 00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,468 (loud smack) 278 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,470 This is just gonna make me listen more. 279 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,172 Oh, hey, Ray Rice. 280 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,673 Would you mind pressing "lobby"? 281 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,608 What do you got, potatoes in your ears? 282 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:50,610 I said press "lobby"! 283 00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:57,818 Now, Peter, one of the perks of being a woman 284 00:11:57,851 --> 00:12:00,420 is that you get to go out and have a white wine, 285 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:02,990 squeak-fart lunch with your friends. 286 00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,925 Did you hear Diane's husband left her? 287 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,193 (high-pitched, squeaky fart) 288 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,895 Yeah, you could tell from the wedding 289 00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:09,830 -they were not gonna last. -(high-pitched, squeaky fart) 290 00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:11,965 Oh, it's a shame. And they have two kids! 291 00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:12,966 (high-pitched, squeaky fart) 292 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,334 Marriage is hard. 293 00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,369 (loud, wet fart) 294 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,574 Those machines in the ladies' room don't vend pants, do they? 295 00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:25,212 Don't let 'em take my salad. I'm still working on it. 296 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,514 ♪ 297 00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,883 This is so great. Now that I'm a woman, 298 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:32,953 I can lean-dance into anyone's karaoke song. 299 00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:35,755 ♪ When you were here before ♪ 300 00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:41,094 ♪ Couldn't look you in the eye... ♪ 301 00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:43,096 Yeah! It's a work night! 302 00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:44,697 -(whoops) -Hey, come on. 303 00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:45,866 Get out of here. 304 00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,968 You're ruining my birthday party. 305 00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:50,737 ♪ Your skin makes me cry... ♪ 306 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,739 Sing Justin Timberlake! 307 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,375 Come on! I waited an hour and a half for this! 308 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,978 And, hey, get off that bar! 309 00:12:58,011 --> 00:12:59,246 Why? 310 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,648 Because you're at Lowfan O'Reilly's. 311 00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,016 (groans) 312 00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:05,919 All right, where am I on the screen? 313 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,888 Oh. "Float like a feather in a beautiful world." 314 00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:09,256 Dah, dah, dah. Okay. 315 00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:12,259 ♪ Flippin' special ♪ 316 00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:17,364 ♪ But I'm a creep... ♪ 317 00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:24,037 What? What happened? 318 00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:25,839 Ah, I knew you'd catch it. 319 00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:28,308 I'm parting my hair on the other side now. 320 00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,610 Oh, Peter, thank God you're okay. 321 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,745 Hello, bosses and not my family. 322 00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:34,915 You really gave us a scare there. 323 00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:36,116 Oh, what do you mean? 324 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,350 Well, you went into a coma 325 00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:39,419 after you were hit in the head by a fan. 326 00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:40,854 Oh, it was funny. 327 00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:43,123 -And then it wasn't. -A coma? 328 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:46,259 Well, I feel tomato now, beige spots. 329 00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:49,296 And since the company was paying for your medical care anyway, 330 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,165 we fulfilled your letter of medical intent 331 00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:54,467 for your sex reassignment surgery. 332 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,469 -What? -She's saying that your surgery 333 00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,771 to become a woman was a complete success. 334 00:13:58,805 --> 00:14:00,840 It's much easier going that way, believe me. 335 00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:02,442 Just a chop and a mop. 336 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:03,776 Congratulations, Peter. 337 00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:06,379 You're officially a woman. 338 00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:12,852 No...! 339 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,856 That is one nutty hospital. 340 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:25,032 Peter, I'm sorry this happened, but it's your own fault. 341 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,467 You should never have pretended to be someone else. 342 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,136 That's right, but now that it's done, 343 00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:31,004 maybe I can help you with the transition. 344 00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:33,640 You know, I've always been a great supporter of the LGBLT... 345 00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:34,874 -Nope. -LGTE. 346 00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:36,043 -No. -GED. 347 00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:37,377 -Unrelated. -L.I.E. 348 00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,646 -The Long Island Expressway? -NKOTB? 349 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,714 -The wrong stuff, Brian. -WNBA? 350 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:44,817 Yes. Yes, WNBA. 351 00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:47,020 Mom, you know, our world today is filled 352 00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,489 with people like Dad trying to find their identities. 353 00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:52,159 Whether it's cutters, or people who cut themselves, 354 00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:55,828 or people who drag knives across their thighs to feel something. 355 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,197 (sighs) You're right, Meg. 356 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,399 I guess we'll just have to deal with this, 357 00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:01,401 like when Chris won that hundred-dollar scratcher 358 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,503 and talked down to everybody. 359 00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:05,505 Your house is so cozy, Joe. 360 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:07,840 Wish I could get by with just two bathrooms. 361 00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:09,409 Technically, one and a half. 362 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,311 Leave us alone. 363 00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:13,680 I said, "Leave us alone," but deep down, 364 00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:16,916 I respected and even desired Chris for his success. 365 00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:18,918 It would take another eight years 366 00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,420 before I summoned the courage 367 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,389 to kiss him at a backyard barbecue, 368 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,124 and from that moment on... 369 00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:25,959 JOE: Bonnie! Bonnie! 370 00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:29,529 I've got poopies. 371 00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:35,602 Thank you for showing me the 90 things 372 00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,570 women have to do before going to bed. 373 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,607 Okay, now quick break to cry for no reason. 374 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:44,044 Can we do one last judgmental scroll through Facebook first? 375 00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:46,046 Of course. 376 00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:48,615 Congratulations, you went to a dance club. 377 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,683 You know, Peter, if I didn't know better, 378 00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:52,485 I'd say you'd been a woman for years. 379 00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,521 Now we just drift off to sleep, 380 00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,389 thinking about Rick from Midas Muffler. 381 00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,091 I probably won't be able to sleep 382 00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:00,960 'cause I had two sips of tea at 3:30 this afternoon. 383 00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:02,395 That's okay, Peter. 384 00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:04,964 You can just read on an impossibly bright iPad 385 00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:07,534 while I toss and turn in a pissy way. 386 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:12,772 (Lois groans) 387 00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,410 You almost done with the chapter? 388 00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:20,280 Oh, there's no chapters. It's a Clifford book. 389 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,953 Thank you, young man. 390 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,089 Hey, now that we're all settled at this table, 391 00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,858 you guys want to move outside 'cause it's such a nice day? 392 00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:33,960 Okay, why don't you go save us a table outside, 393 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,362 and we'll be there soon? 394 00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:36,763 (crowd chatter) 395 00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:39,032 Taken. Sorry. 396 00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:43,002 You know, it's fun back here. 397 00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:45,004 You don't even know you're in Quahog. 398 00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:47,240 Please don't talk to us. You're too fat. 399 00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:48,941 (high-pitched, squeaky fart) 400 00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:51,278 You want me to start a new tab for you? 401 00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:52,945 No, you can just keep ours going. 402 00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:55,014 Your friends left the minute you came out here, 403 00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:58,451 and they didn't pay their indoor tab. 404 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,453 I feel so alone. 405 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:03,156 And that bitch stole my hairstyles! 406 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:06,025 Well, hello. 407 00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:08,295 PETER: That's what he said to me! 408 00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:10,330 ♪ 409 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,305 IDA: Peter? 410 00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:21,274 -Ida? -Come, sit. 411 00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,009 Well, look at you. 412 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,011 Yeah, look at me. 413 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,414 -What's wrong? -It's a long story. 414 00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,149 Yeah, I've heard. 415 00:17:29,182 --> 00:17:31,751 Peter, everything is gonna be okay. 416 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,153 I promise. 417 00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:34,587 O-Okay. 418 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,856 Now, I'm going to tell you a story. 419 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,758 When I first met you, Peter, 420 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:41,394 I was already at the end of a long journey 421 00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,363 to find the courage to become a woman. 422 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,499 But before that, I lived for 61 years 423 00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:49,436 as a miserable, miserable man. 424 00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:52,239 I grew up in the small town of Football, Texas, 425 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:55,275 and from the age of eight, I was mercilessly teased 426 00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:58,911 for being different and "dressing funny." 427 00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:02,048 Then, at the age of 14, I had an epiphany. 428 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,650 It was so clear. 429 00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:06,986 I was a girl trapped in a boy's body. 430 00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:09,989 I'm having a hard time focusing without a drink, but go on. 431 00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:14,927 It took me 47 years from that day to officially own who I am. 432 00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:16,863 Is there a waiter or...? 433 00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:20,867 In those 47 years, I became an expert at hiding my secret. 434 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,736 I became a war hero and raised a family, 435 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:27,507 but I was dying inside, and the deeper I buried it, 436 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,609 the more unhappy I became, 437 00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:32,579 and eventually, I even thought of ending my own life. 438 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,081 But I couldn't do that to Glenn. 439 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,049 (sniffles) I had no idea. 440 00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:39,051 It's clear you had no idea. 441 00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:41,053 You know nothing about what it means 442 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:42,255 to feel this struggle. 443 00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:44,191 Yeah, you're right. 444 00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:46,293 I kind of stumbled into all this, 445 00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,928 but you've been dealing with it your whole life. 446 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,697 Yes, I have. 447 00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:53,333 And my story, to one degree or another, 448 00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:55,735 is every transgender person's story, 449 00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:58,405 and all those stories are the price of admission 450 00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:01,408 to finally feeling at peace with who you are-- 451 00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,576 a price you never paid. 452 00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,912 Ah, I'm so sorry, Ida. 453 00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,414 I feel really awful, 454 00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:10,750 and I'm a really bad person for what I did. 455 00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:13,620 I deserve what happened to me. 456 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,622 Touching story, other people humans. 457 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,524 Now, could you direct me 458 00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:20,427 to Earth's reserve of other dog butts? 459 00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,429 That's right, that's right. 460 00:19:22,462 --> 00:19:24,964 Everybody natural. 461 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,599 Peter, listen to me. 462 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:28,435 You were a bad person. 463 00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:30,603 But now you've taken a journey. 464 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:33,773 It just took becoming a woman to make you a better man. 465 00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:35,775 But I'll never be that better man. 466 00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:37,744 I can't afford the surgery to go back. 467 00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:40,647 I think I might be able to help you with that, Peter. 468 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,282 -Really? -Yes. 469 00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:44,317 I've got an idea. 470 00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:49,188 What a day. 471 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,094 Oh, Peter, you started a Kickstarter. 472 00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:56,796 Not exactly. 473 00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:59,799 BRIAN: Oh, that's... that's not a "K." 474 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,668 Look at that. You're up to six inches. 475 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,303 That's two inches past your goal. 476 00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:05,104 It's not important what the goal was. 477 00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:08,641 What's important is this community cares. 478 00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:09,976 Congratulations, Mr. Griffin. 479 00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:11,811 Your surgery was a success. 480 00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:13,145 You're a man again. 481 00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:15,848 Sully was a hero! 482 00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:23,022 Well, I'm glad everything's back to normal. 483 00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:24,657 I'll say. 484 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:27,360 Dad, you lost a wiener but came out a winner. 485 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:28,661 (giggles) 486 00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,763 Well, that does it for our crossover episode. 487 00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:32,999 Thanks for coming, cast of Bob's Burgers. 488 00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:34,901 We didn't get to do anything. 489 00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,135 Show's 22 minutes long. 490 00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:37,537 Not everything makes it to air. 491 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,971 But, hey, you have the floor 492 00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:40,840 if there's something hilarious you want to say. 493 00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:42,475 I'll just sit here and be quiet. 494 00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:44,511 Give us two Emmys worth of amazing. 495 00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:47,079 Maybe a funny burger name? No? 496 00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:49,015 Girl in the bunny ears? 497 00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,484 Boy, I love it when characters are expressed by props. 498 00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:54,086 I kind of feel like this is less of a crossover 499 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,488 and more of a roast. 500 00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:57,557 No, a roast is good-natured.