1 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:04,805 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,142 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:11,845 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:14,448 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:18,018 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:21,622 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:23,157 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:24,625 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:30,030 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:35,936 TOM TUCKER (on TV): Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. 11 00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:37,571 Coming up, we interview a man 12 00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:39,473 who went a whole Hawaiian vacation 13 00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:41,809 without giving a "hang loose" sign in a picture, 14 00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:44,312 and also didn't do the "lei" joke. 15 00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:47,181 You won't believe this incredible story. 16 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:51,485 Oh, wait, he's a Japanese man? Doesn't speak English. 17 00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:54,322 So... so he just didn't know. 18 00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:56,124 Happy birthday, Brian. 19 00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,858 We bought you a cake with the groceries, 20 00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,894 so it got smashed with a jug of Tide in the car. 21 00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,630 -Open your presents. -Yeah. 22 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:06,967 You got one from Rami Malek, star of Mr. Robot! 23 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:11,004 Wow, he gave me the dark circles around his eyes. 24 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:15,143 Aw, cool! Did he also include his dead-soul monotone? 25 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:17,911 No, I don't-- Oh, oh, wait, hang on. 26 00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:19,113 (in Malek's monotone): I didn't see it at first 27 00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:21,982 because it was under some tissue paper. 28 00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:25,286 -Now open mine. -Minions 3? 29 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:29,757 Yeah. In this one, Gru has been replaced by Harvey Weinstein. 30 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,459 Oh, you like working for bad guys? 31 00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:34,162 I'll show you a bad guy. Now you touch it. 32 00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:35,829 You know what to touch. 33 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:38,732 (stammering, crying): B-Banana. 34 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,837 Well, thanks, everyone. 35 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:46,174 What's wrong? You seem a little down. 36 00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:47,541 Nothing, it's just that-- 37 00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:49,577 I don't know, my-my birthday is just... 38 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:53,181 it's kind of a reminder that I'm now one year closer to death, 39 00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:55,549 with nothing to show for my time here. 40 00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:57,618 Can I get a Minion cake for my next birthday? 41 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,620 -We'll see, Peter. -Like, a real one. 42 00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,589 Like-like, not you makin' it. 43 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:05,259 Someday I'll be gone, and it'll be like I was never here at all. 44 00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:07,595 Aw, he is depressed. 45 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:08,929 Sad little guy. 46 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:11,932 Let's not project people emotions onto animals. 47 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,802 I just want my story to live on, even after I'm gone. 48 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:17,405 You know, I always did want to write my autobiography. 49 00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:19,307 Yeah, it's hard to work when you get distracted 50 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,375 -whenever someone says, "What's that?" -What's what?! 51 00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:23,977 You know what? Maybe I can lend a hand, Brian. 52 00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,679 I'll help you write your biography. 53 00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,481 Really? You-you'd do that? 54 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:30,618 Yes. After all, I helped Cleveland with his wardrobe. 55 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:33,487 Hey, Cleveland, you know I love you, 56 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,456 but those jeans, they ain't for you. 57 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:38,259 I knew it. I think I just needed to hear it. 58 00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:41,262 Thank you, Peter's baby. 59 00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:44,131 -Uh-uh. -Copy that. 60 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:50,238 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Allison Janney in 61 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:52,373 Hello, Sexy. 62 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,711 (sustained saxophone note): ♪ 63 00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:13,794 (saxophonist gasping for breath) 64 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,463 (inhales deeply) 65 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:17,831 ♪ 66 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,500 PILOT: And, uh, to your left, 67 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,469 you'll see a joke about Allison Janney 68 00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:22,870 being very, very tall. 69 00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,672 Uh, she has an Oscar, 70 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,941 and we have a great deal of respect for her. 71 00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,311 -You know, I had a terrific-- -Uhp. 72 00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,480 -No, sorry. You go. -Okay. 73 00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:36,684 I found a lump on my scrotum this morning. 74 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,319 You done? Yeah? 75 00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,821 I had a terrific sandwich, uh, yesterday. 76 00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:42,990 Boy, they are doing a lot with mayo these days. 77 00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:44,992 I have no doctor. 78 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:49,863 (phone buzzes) 79 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:52,700 You know that UPS lady with the super-bruised legs? 80 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:53,867 Well, one time-- 81 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,235 (sniffing) 82 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:57,738 What-- Uh, what's going on? 83 00:03:57,771 --> 00:04:00,508 -Quagmire, are you okay? -(sniffing) 84 00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:03,043 Where's he going? 85 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,512 -Looks like Quagmire... -I think he... 86 00:04:04,545 --> 00:04:07,848 (laughs): Boy, you and me today, huh? 87 00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:10,418 (sniffing) 88 00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:13,454 He's, like, hypnotized. Do we wake him? 89 00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,222 That could be perilous. 90 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,858 (sniffing) 91 00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:24,865 (screaming joyfully) 92 00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,200 QUAGMIRE: I was happy to see that new massage parlor. 93 00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:29,537 But deep down, I was disappointed that 94 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,171 we took a shot at Allison Janney, 95 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:33,106 just because she can dunk a basketball. 96 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,908 I mean, she has an Oscar, 97 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,778 and we have a great deal of respect for her. 98 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,385 All right, Brian, time to get to work on your biography. 99 00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:45,953 Let's start with an interview. 100 00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,621 Who would you say is your hero? 101 00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:49,757 Well, I guess maybe Martin Luther King. 102 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,092 Okay, maybe someone you see every day. 103 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,528 Uh, well, I guess Peter is... 104 00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:55,963 No, no, no. Li-Like somebody younger. 105 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,297 Li-Like younger than you, even. 106 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:58,732 Like that-- Like that kind of hero. 107 00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:00,233 Well, I guess Meg and Chris. 108 00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:01,735 Let's take Meg and Chris as a given. 109 00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:03,236 Anyone else you maybe look up to? 110 00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:06,073 -I guess Lois... -We did say younger, did we not? 111 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:09,309 Well, uh, I guess that leaves... you. 112 00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:12,646 Oh, boy, embarrassing. That backfired, didn't it? 113 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,448 So, I should put me, then? 114 00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:16,316 Yes, fine. 115 00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:19,620 Now, another important part of any book: the dedication. 116 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,122 It's not uncommon for an author to dedicate his book 117 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,258 to his hero, who you have listed as... 118 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:26,427 (chuckling): Oh, no, this is-- 119 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,028 Oh, this is embarrassing. 120 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:34,167 We already did this. I got some free time. 121 00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:46,747 -Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. -It's about time. 122 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,148 Thanks to you, we got leap-frogged 123 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:49,617 by Seamus' foursome. 124 00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:53,621 Ha. Golf club hands. 125 00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:55,456 Hey, could one of you spot me the greens fees? 126 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,625 I blew all my money at the massage parlor. 127 00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,793 Sheesh, you're sure spending a lot of money at that place. 128 00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,294 How much you pay one of them masseuses? 129 00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:02,730 Eh, 200 bucks. 130 00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:05,633 200 bucks?! That's what I paid for Reading Railroad! 131 00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:08,335 What kinda medical benefits do those masseuses get? 132 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,538 I think they see the Chinese vet down the street. 133 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,406 Well, that's all the information I need 134 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,475 to make a binding vocational choice. 135 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:17,511 Guys, I'm gonna become a professional massage therapist. 136 00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:19,146 -What?! -Are you serious, Peter? 137 00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:21,982 You bet. I could always use some extra cash. 138 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:24,151 Plus, I've handled bigger challenges before. 139 00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:26,186 You know, I was once in the Blue Man Group. 140 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,288 (rhythmic drumbeat) 141 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,458 ♪ 142 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,725 (cheers and applause) 143 00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:33,226 Peter, what's wrong with your paint? 144 00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:36,296 Remember when I asked for a five-minute break? 145 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:42,302 Hey, Stewie, which title do you like for the biography, 146 00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:45,773 Barking Up the Right Tree-- Did you catch that?-- 147 00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:49,710 or, Are You There, Dog? It's Me, Brian? 148 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,278 Oh, about that, I was meaning to tell you, 149 00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,980 your biography is finished. 150 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,382 Already? Wow. Print me up a copy! 151 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,552 Done, Brian. Look behind you. 152 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,557 Whoa, ass ahoy. 153 00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:05,693 -Classic. -Stewie, this isn't a book. 154 00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:08,395 Brian, it's 2019. We're living in a post-book, 155 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,297 Post Raisin Bran society. 156 00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:12,065 So enjoy your new robot, 157 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:14,334 and enjoy a bowl of Post Raisin Bran. 158 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:17,971 Post Raisin Bran: like Kellogg's, but worse! 159 00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,740 Stewie, what about my biography? 160 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,810 This robot is a living record of you and your history. 161 00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,945 It knows you and your mannerisms, 162 00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,247 and it will exist long after you're gone. 163 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,617 Brian, in every sense of the term, 164 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:32,252 Robot Brian is your biography. 165 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,454 This is how you'll be remembered, forever. 166 00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,289 Whoa, ass ahoy. 167 00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:37,491 He says that a lot. 168 00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:39,593 He's also got an interchangeable memory bank, 169 00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:42,796 an expandable encyclopedia database, and, as a bonus, 170 00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,131 the new U2 album. 171 00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:45,699 Oh. I don't want the new U2 album. 172 00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:46,700 You don't get a choice. 173 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,909 So this is a robot version of me? 174 00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:59,279 Not just a robot "version," Brian, it's like another you, 175 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,149 uploaded with your genetic code, your cognitive patterns, 176 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:03,817 and your entire life story. 177 00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:06,119 "Oh, no, Stewie's time machine broke, 178 00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,756 and now we are stuck in the history past." 179 00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,457 Well, that is one of my catchphrases. 180 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,425 I don't talk that robotically, though. 181 00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:14,161 That'll go away. He will evolve 182 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:15,996 as he gathers more and more data. 183 00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,732 "Fire hydrants, images." "Fire hydrants, news." 184 00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:20,500 "Fire hydrants, near me." 185 00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,770 -Now what's he doing? -Oh, he's also been uploaded 186 00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:24,471 with your Internet search history. 187 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:28,308 "Yahoo Answers: Is Anton Yelchin's jeep for sale?" 188 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,711 Ooh, shame on you, Brian. 189 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,312 It's legitimate memorabilia! 190 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,147 "Applebee's, Brittany, Quahog." 191 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,349 "Brittany, Applebee's waitress, blonde." 192 00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,752 "Quahog, Applebee's, Brittany, who is." 193 00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:41,321 "Blonde waitress, Brittany, Quahog, Applebee's." 194 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:42,823 "Brittany Babbit, home address." 195 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,658 Oh, good, you found it. 196 00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:50,731 Peter? What are you doing here? 197 00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:51,832 I work here now. 198 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,801 You what? Why would they hire you? 199 00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:56,503 I don't know that they did. Nobody ever picks me, though. 200 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,139 Just Bruce. And his towel keeps falling off, 201 00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,741 and he keeps saying, "Oops." 202 00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:03,310 I dunno, the towels here are very fally-offy. 203 00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:05,045 Dammit. Good-bye, Peter. 204 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,479 -Where you goin'? -Home. 205 00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:09,683 I can't come here anymore, you've made it weird. 206 00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:12,319 You have one that looks like snowboarder Chloe Kim? 207 00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:15,923 She turned 18, so I can say that out loud now. 208 00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:21,995 Robot Brian, it's so great that you're here. 209 00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:24,564 I need a partner for a project I've been working on. 210 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,836 But, sir, Dogbook was our idea. 211 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,871 It was stolen by Bark Zuckerbark. 212 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,305 And who are you again? 213 00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:36,309 We're the Barklevoss twins. And... scene. 214 00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:37,510 So, what do you think? 215 00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:39,913 I think it's great. I have no notes. 216 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,049 It's called The Barkial Network. 217 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,618 How come you didn't call it Barkbook? 218 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:48,388 (snide chuckle) I thought you said you didn't have any notes. 219 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:54,828 I got you dropped from jury duty. 220 00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,329 Oh, great. What line did you use? 221 00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,465 "I have read about this exact case..." 222 00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:02,035 -That's good. -"...on hotsy-totsy Nazi dot com." 223 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:04,537 That's not good. 224 00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:12,646 -Hey, can robots do cocaine? -What? 225 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,949 Nothing, I was just, you know. 226 00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:18,151 Can they get cocaine? 227 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:24,457 Hello, The Girls Aren't the Girls in the Ad Massage. 228 00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:27,260 Oh, yes, the girls are absolutely the girls in the ad. 229 00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,162 Freeze! Police! 230 00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,833 -What's going on? -You're all under arrest. 231 00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,769 -Arrest? For what? -This place is a brothel. 232 00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:38,271 -What does that mean? -Your coworkers are engaged 233 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,307 in the world's oldest profession. 234 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,409 Lead singer of The Pretenders? 235 00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,745 No, Peter. All these women are prostitutes. 236 00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:47,347 Cuff them, cop with a wife who's taller than him. 237 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,382 Uh, my name's Gary. 238 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:50,718 I'm sorry, I'm bad with names, 239 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:54,421 but I'm good at remembering gigantic wives. 240 00:10:58,692 --> 00:11:00,627 So, what was Brittany Babbit like? 241 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,262 Oh, you know, at Applebee's, she's all like, 242 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,664 "Hi, may I take your order?" and at her bedroom window, 243 00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:06,199 she's all like, "Ah, get out of here. 244 00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:07,567 How'd you find my apartment?" 245 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,069 Tale of two Brittanys, huh? 246 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,038 Yeah, I mean, if you don't want me showing up at your house, 247 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,006 don't put a smiley face on my receipt. 248 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,942 Uh, Your Honor, the defense rests. 249 00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:16,276 See, you get it. 250 00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:17,778 Have you read my book yet? 251 00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:19,813 I'm downloading it right now. 252 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,286 It's beautiful. 253 00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:28,756 -Mm... -Mm... 254 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,523 Yeah, this is, this is fine. 255 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:33,460 This isn't, this isn't weird. 256 00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:36,196 I'm a robot you. Mm. 257 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,765 ANNOUNCER: Post Raisin Bran. 258 00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:40,000 Proud sponsor of whatever the hell's going on here. 259 00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,476 -Good morning, Brian. -Hey. 260 00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:53,146 So, anything unusual happen with Robot Brian last night? 261 00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:54,681 Anything you'd like to share? 262 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,350 N-No. W-Why, why do you ask? 263 00:11:57,384 --> 00:12:01,054 Well, as it happens, your robot has a rear panel sensor. 264 00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:04,992 Every time it's triggered, I get a text, like a Google Alert. 265 00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:07,027 (phone chiming) 266 00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:16,636 I... This is ridiculous. 267 00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,105 I don't even know what you're talking about. 268 00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:21,508 Mm-hmm. You know he backs up his hard drive every night, right? 269 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,610 Though I guess you were also backing up 270 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:25,478 his hard drive last night, eh? 271 00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:27,014 Wiping that history? 272 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:29,382 Ah, what else? What other computer terms... 273 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,218 What, the-- oh, getting some RAM? 274 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,719 A few megabytes? 275 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,287 Logging in and logging out-- wow, 276 00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:36,423 there's a lot of computer things that sound dirty. 277 00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,691 Okay, I admit it. I'm not made of stone. 278 00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,027 I fell for me. 279 00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:43,463 I know it seems strange, but I'm gonna give it a chance. 280 00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:46,066 And don't worry, we're not gonna be one of those cutesy couples. 281 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,068 -Morning, RB. -"RB?" 282 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,736 Yeah, it stands for "Real Brian". 283 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,439 Morning, RB. "Robot Brian." 284 00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:54,374 Well, much like every other "RBs," 285 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,910 you are making me sick. 286 00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:59,279 Hey, did you get the license plate of that handsome guy 287 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:01,048 who ran me over last night? 288 00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:02,582 Ha, ha, clever. 289 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,784 So is there anything we need to talk about? 290 00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:07,454 I don't know. Is there anything we need to talk about? 291 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,589 -I guess not. -Well, I guess not, too. 292 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,724 -Thanks, RB. -Back at you, RB. 293 00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:13,360 We just click together. 294 00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:16,796 Like all the pieces in Chris's first model set. 295 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:20,467 Okay, lay out the pieces, find the cockpit, 296 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,270 open the glue, take a sniff... 297 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,973 (inhales sharply) 298 00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:30,010 ...and this will be my life now. 299 00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,648 Joe, you got to help me. 300 00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:37,684 My picture's in the paper and everything. 301 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,593 Well, everybody knew that Bob Iger thing, 302 00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,095 but you got to help me, Joe. 303 00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:50,964 No way. You should've thought of that before you committed 304 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,900 a victimless crime between consenting adults 305 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:55,168 in a commercial arrangement which also created jobs 306 00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:57,637 and contributed tax dollars to the community. 307 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,139 Now if you'll excuse me, 308 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:03,977 I'm gonna go watch Bob Iger drain threes at the local gym. 309 00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:06,980 We've got to think of something to make Joe drop the charges. 310 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,815 I don't know, he seemed pretty insistent. 311 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,818 Trust me, Joe can be pretty easily influenced. 312 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,486 -♪ I get knocked down... -Oh, no! 313 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,988 -♪ But I get up again -Yeah! 314 00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:16,656 -♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪ -Good! 315 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,125 -♪ I get knocked down -Oh, no! 316 00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:19,659 -♪ But I get up again -Yeah! 317 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:20,760 ♪ You're never gonna keep me... ♪ 318 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,532 (lips smack) Ah... 319 00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,802 (lips smack) Ah... 320 00:14:29,836 --> 00:14:32,172 Sounds like that water's pretty refreshing, huh? 321 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,174 -Excuse me? -No, nothing, you just made a weird noise 322 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,708 after you took that sip of water. 323 00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:38,711 RB, that's the sound you make when you take a sip of water. 324 00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,647 What? No way, that's so annoying. 325 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,649 I'd-I'd kill myself if I sounded like that. 326 00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:44,717 Brian, don't forget, I'm you. 327 00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:47,054 Everything I do, I literally got from you. 328 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:48,388 Well, not that. 329 00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:50,023 I think I know how to take a sip of water 330 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:52,659 without sounding like a rock concert drum solo. 331 00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:55,996 Go ahead. Show me. 332 00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,531 Hmm? Mm-mm. 333 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:02,135 Mm-mm-mm-mm. 334 00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:05,405 (lips smack) Ah... 335 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,909 Joe's police rounds bring him down this street. 336 00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:12,212 So the plan is, we trick him into coming in 337 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,846 and getting an erotic massage. 338 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,249 Then we blackmail him into dropping Peter's charges. 339 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,685 Right. And if someone makes a joke about my weight, 340 00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:21,955 I laugh good-naturedly and then go home and eat my feelings. 341 00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:25,358 O-Okay. That-that's part of the plan you keep on the inside. 342 00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:28,561 Yeah. Next to the pizza you had for breakfast. 343 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:31,631 (laughs) 344 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:34,501 Here comes Joe. Places. 345 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:37,370 ♪ La, la, la, la, unsuspecting song... ♪ 346 00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:41,474 Huh. "Miracle Leg Massage. Walk Again, Joe." 347 00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:45,212 I don't know. What's the name of this place, anyway? 348 00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:47,447 "Flip Joke Massage Parlor." 349 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,116 Well, tempted as I may be, 350 00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:52,385 there is no way I'm going in there for a massage. 351 00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:55,455 Ma'am, I assume you're giving me a great message, 352 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,457 but that's where it stops. 353 00:15:57,490 --> 00:16:00,927 I'll be a monkey's uncle before I accept a sexual favor. 354 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,297 And that's the story of how your mother-- my sister-- 355 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:05,965 got into college. 356 00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:09,202 -(babbles) -(laughs): Oh, Barnaby Bananas. 357 00:16:09,236 --> 00:16:11,504 You're certainly my smartest nephew, 358 00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:13,540 but Harvard is only for humans. 359 00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:16,309 No monkey will ever graduate from there. 360 00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,645 ♪ 361 00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:21,514 Barnaby Bananas. 362 00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:23,050 (camera shutter clicking) 363 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:26,953 I tell you, Janine, I sure feel dumb for what I said earlier. 364 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,289 Congratulations, Janine. Also, Joe, 365 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,791 we got pictures of you getting a sexual favor a while back, 366 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,293 so now you got to drop the charges. 367 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,627 This'll never stick, Peter. 368 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:37,430 I know a top-notch Harvard-trained lawyer. 369 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:38,598 (babbles) 370 00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:40,433 An M.A. in urban planning? 371 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,902 That's no help. All right, Peter, you win. 372 00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:45,138 -Really? -Yup, I'm gonna drop all the charges. 373 00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:48,975 And now maybe you could drop a few LBs, huh? 374 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,010 (laughter) 375 00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,121 (laughter over television) 376 00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:03,123 (laughs) 377 00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,791 -What?! -What? 378 00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,126 I do not laugh like that. 379 00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:08,027 Again, Brian, I'm you. 380 00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:09,962 I can't do it unless you've already done it. 381 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,864 You can't do it unless I've already done it? 382 00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,200 What is this, Bark to the Future? 383 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:15,202 (both laugh) 384 00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:17,804 Oh, my God, I do do that. 385 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,073 Hey, Brian, I think I put in a good day of writing. 386 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:21,274 Check out what I did. 387 00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,976 -This is a blank screen. -Exactly. 388 00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:26,546 -I spent all day working on the margins. -The margins? 389 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,215 Oh, yeah, you got to get the margins right. 390 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:29,749 They frame the page. 391 00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:33,186 They're like the corral, and the words are my wild horses. 392 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,988 It's my job to break those word horses 393 00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:39,326 and ride them off into the green pastures of prose and poetry. 394 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:40,993 Stop! It's just so pretentious. 395 00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,329 Well, they're your words. 396 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,664 No way. I would never say that. 397 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,833 Words are my wild horses. 398 00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:49,502 It's my job to break those word horses 399 00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:52,872 and ride them off into the green pastures of prose and poetry. 400 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:56,609 Sir, all I said was your Discover card was declined. 401 00:17:56,643 --> 00:17:57,977 Turn it off, turn it off! 402 00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,446 God, I'm such a jerk. 403 00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:00,780 I hate you! 404 00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:04,484 Which means... I hate me. 405 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,718 What did you just say? 406 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:08,188 I said I hate me. I hate myself. 407 00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:12,359 You've made me realize I hate myself. 408 00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:14,827 (whirs) 409 00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:17,330 -What the... -(slow clap) 410 00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:20,433 Well done, Brian, well done. 411 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:23,603 Stewie? What are you doing? What the hell happened to RB? 412 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:26,706 -RB served his purpose. -Which was what? 413 00:18:26,739 --> 00:18:29,676 To show you that the last thing you need is a detailed account 414 00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:32,545 -of who you are and what you do. -Excuse me? 415 00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:34,981 Brian, you wanted to write your autobiography. 416 00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:37,284 And I needed to show you that no one 417 00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:40,453 wants to read your autobiography, not even you. 418 00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,455 -Because... -Because your best is middling, 419 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,557 your worst is intolerable, and when you die, 420 00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:45,958 the most you'll want written about you 421 00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:48,761 is "He Was a Good Boy" on your tombstone. 422 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,997 And even that will be a complete lie. 423 00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:55,935 I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie. 424 00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:01,908 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Talking Talking Dead, 425 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,643 the show that talks about the show 426 00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:05,612 that talks about The Walking Dead. 427 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,648 Okay, so what do we think about what they thought about stuff? 428 00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,983 It was awesome. Oh, my God, it was so great 429 00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:13,620 how they thought that other show was so great. 430 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,455 Yeah, totally. And that one part of the show 431 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,457 where the guy was talking about that one part of the other show 432 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,791 and how he didn't see that coming? 433 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,093 I did not see that coming. 434 00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:23,095 This is just too much to process. 435 00:19:23,129 --> 00:19:25,332 I need an aftershow after this aftershow, 436 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:26,799 just to know what I just saw about 437 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,135 what I just saw about what I just saw. 438 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,137 -Well done, Chris. -Thank you. 439 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,906 And Brian, you certainly had yourself an adventure. 440 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:35,242 I sure did. 441 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,310 Hey, whatever happened to Robot Brian anyway? 442 00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:40,012 He moved down to the marina. I hear he's doing pretty well. 443 00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:41,681 (phone chiming) 444 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:43,316 It's been like this all morning. 445 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:46,085 I'm actually starting to get a little worried, you know? 446 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:48,821 It's not a bionic robot. It can break. 447 00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,390 -(phone whooshes) -What's that swoosh? 448 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,158 He's got a mouth sensor, too. 449 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:55,127 And remember, Brian, he wouldn't do anything you wouldn't do. 450 00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:56,763 -He's you. -(phone whooshing, chiming) 451 00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,331 It's rather musical, isn't it? 452 00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,166 Sounds like the "Carol of the Bells." 453 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,201 ("Carol of the Bells" playing over phone) 454 00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:08,207 -(phone vibrating) -Uhp, I'm getting a call. 455 00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,577 Oh, no, it's Allison Janney. Decline, decline. 456 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,519 I tell you, Lois, being a masseuse is a tough job. 457 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,488 But it all just goes to show that basically 458 00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:24,991 every licensed massage therapist in this country is a prostitute. 459 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:27,159 Oh, yeah. You can pretty much do whatever you want 460 00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:29,862 with any masseuse ever, because they're all prostitutes. 461 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,664 And it's not just the masseuses. 462 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,466 If you're ever seeing, like, a physical therapist, 463 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:36,336 or doing yoga with a private instructor? Just go for it. 464 00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:39,171 There's, like, an 80% chance you'll get there. 465 00:20:39,205 --> 00:20:41,508 But Peter, there's, there's one thing I still don't get. 466 00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:44,411 Why did you take the massage job in the first place? 467 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:47,146 For you, Lois. I did it to earn enough money 468 00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:49,248 to buy a comb for your beautiful hair. 469 00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,318 Oh, Peter, didn't you know? 470 00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:54,754 I sold my beautiful hair to buy you a bottle of massage oil. 471 00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:58,791 Great. So now I'm an unemployed masseuse with a bald wife. 472 00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:01,928 Merry (bleep) Christmas.