1
00:00:00,017 --> 00:00:03,721
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

2
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:07,092
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:07,125 --> 00:00:10,761
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

4
00:00:10,795 --> 00:00:13,998
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

5
00:00:14,031 --> 00:00:17,001
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

6
00:00:17,034 --> 00:00:20,571
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

7
00:00:20,605 --> 00:00:22,207
♪ All the things that make us ♪

8
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:23,941
♪ Laugh and cry ♪

9
00:00:23,974 --> 00:00:29,114
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

10
00:00:36,053 --> 00:00:37,422
Happy birthday, Lois.

11
00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:39,690
You know, today
you officially become

12
00:00:39,724 --> 00:00:41,559
the oldest woman
I've ever slept with.

13
00:00:41,592 --> 00:00:43,694
Yes. You said
the same thing last year.

14
00:00:43,728 --> 00:00:46,097
Well, unlike you,
that joke never gets old.

15
00:00:46,131 --> 00:00:48,133
Oh, and I forgot
to pick up the cake.

16
00:00:48,166 --> 00:00:50,235
Hey, Lois, I don't like
any of these snacks.

17
00:00:50,268 --> 00:00:51,969
Can I have something
from the kitchen?

18
00:00:52,002 --> 00:00:53,704
We can have snacks
from the kitchen?

19
00:00:53,738 --> 00:00:55,140
I could go for a sandwich.

20
00:00:55,173 --> 00:00:57,575
No. No one gets snacks
from the kitchen.

21
00:00:57,608 --> 00:00:59,644
You see what you started?

22
00:01:03,013 --> 00:01:04,782
(knocking on door)

23
00:01:06,251 --> 00:01:07,885
Hi. I'm here for the pony rides.

24
00:01:07,918 --> 00:01:09,754
-What?
-Oh, boy.

25
00:01:09,787 --> 00:01:12,056
This-this must be
some sort of big mix-up.

26
00:01:12,089 --> 00:01:13,924
Don't worry, Lois,
I'll handle this.

27
00:01:15,593 --> 00:01:17,328
-What's his name?
-Lightning.

28
00:01:17,362 --> 00:01:19,730
(laughs) That means he's fast.

29
00:01:19,764 --> 00:01:21,299
So, uh, Lois,
where are your parents?

30
00:01:21,332 --> 00:01:22,733
Didn't they say
they were coming?

31
00:01:22,767 --> 00:01:25,636
Yeah, but I'm sure Daddy
had a last-minute work thing.

32
00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:27,605
He's always put business first.

33
00:01:27,638 --> 00:01:30,941
Even growing up, he never came
to any of my piano recitals.

34
00:01:30,975 --> 00:01:32,910
It was the '80s,
so he was always doing

35
00:01:32,943 --> 00:01:35,446
cocaine-and-sushi
business meetings.

36
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:37,248
All right, Hideki, it's a deal.

37
00:01:37,282 --> 00:01:39,784
Now, let's celebrate
the way rich guys do, by...

38
00:01:39,817 --> 00:01:41,252
(inhales deeply)

39
00:01:41,286 --> 00:01:43,254
Ah, damn it,
I snorted the wrong one.

40
00:01:43,288 --> 00:01:44,755
Ah, wasabi!

41
00:01:44,789 --> 00:01:46,691
Wasabi in my nostril!

42
00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:48,326
(groans)

43
00:01:48,359 --> 00:01:50,828
Still better than sitting
through that piano thing.

44
00:01:53,731 --> 00:01:55,733
(knocking on door)

45
00:01:57,001 --> 00:01:58,369
Oh, hi, Daddy.

46
00:01:58,403 --> 00:01:59,504
You missed the party.

47
00:01:59,537 --> 00:02:01,372
I know. I thought I'd apologize

48
00:02:01,406 --> 00:02:03,874
with an upper-class
New England mumble-kiss.

49
00:02:03,908 --> 00:02:05,276
(both smooching)

50
00:02:05,310 --> 00:02:06,544
-I'm so sorry, dear.
-It's okay.

51
00:02:06,577 --> 00:02:08,546
And here, I brought you a gift.

52
00:02:10,181 --> 00:02:11,148
A gun?

53
00:02:11,182 --> 00:02:12,217
Yeah, you love guns.

54
00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:13,884
No, I don't.

55
00:02:13,918 --> 00:02:15,553
You don't know me at all.

56
00:02:15,586 --> 00:02:17,622
I can't believe
you'd blow off my party

57
00:02:17,655 --> 00:02:19,224
then give me a handgun.

58
00:02:19,257 --> 00:02:20,891
Especially when there's kids
in the house.

59
00:02:20,925 --> 00:02:22,159
Hall. Kids in the Hall.

60
00:02:22,193 --> 00:02:23,561
Damn it, Daddy.

61
00:02:23,594 --> 00:02:26,464
I'm trying to explain that guns
are hazardous and unsafe,

62
00:02:26,497 --> 00:02:28,032
not have a conversation about

63
00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,668
a tepid 1990s Canadian
sketch group.

64
00:02:30,701 --> 00:02:32,403
You're wrong about guns
and comedy.

65
00:02:32,437 --> 00:02:33,671
I'm out of here.

66
00:02:33,704 --> 00:02:35,005
Buh-bye.

67
00:02:35,039 --> 00:02:37,908
Was that a tepid 1990s
David Spade reference?

68
00:02:37,942 --> 00:02:40,278
People are allowed
to like things!

69
00:02:43,848 --> 00:02:45,483
Peter, you want
to watch Netflix?

70
00:02:45,516 --> 00:02:47,318
Yeah, let's watch one of those
stand-up specials.

71
00:02:47,352 --> 00:02:48,853
There's a bunch of 'em,
they got to be good.

72
00:02:48,886 --> 00:02:51,922
No. No.

73
00:02:51,956 --> 00:02:54,592
Tom Segura? No.

74
00:02:54,625 --> 00:02:56,261
Chinese girl.

75
00:02:56,294 --> 00:02:58,195
Another Chinese girl.

76
00:02:58,229 --> 00:03:00,097
No. No.

77
00:03:00,130 --> 00:03:01,599
Anjelah Johnson?

78
00:03:01,632 --> 00:03:03,000
Geez, they're giving one
of these to everyone.

79
00:03:03,033 --> 00:03:04,168
How come I don't have one?

80
00:03:04,201 --> 00:03:05,169
You do, Peter.

81
00:03:05,202 --> 00:03:06,537
This is the taped intro.

82
00:03:06,571 --> 00:03:08,005
Mr. Griffin, you're on.

83
00:03:08,038 --> 00:03:10,040
-♪
-(applause)

84
00:03:13,811 --> 00:03:17,114
Good evening,
Ithaca Civic Auditorium.

85
00:03:17,147 --> 00:03:18,616
(cheers and applause)

86
00:03:18,649 --> 00:03:20,551
So I'm thinkin'
I might get a bike.

87
00:03:20,585 --> 00:03:22,219
(cheers and applause)

88
00:03:22,253 --> 00:03:23,554
You know, one of these things?

89
00:03:23,588 --> 00:03:24,789
Ring-ring, ring-ring.

90
00:03:24,822 --> 00:03:27,292
"I'll get you, Toto!"
(chuckles) Yeah.

91
00:03:27,325 --> 00:03:29,594
I'm thinkin' I might.

92
00:03:29,627 --> 00:03:31,629
(cheers and applause)

93
00:03:35,099 --> 00:03:37,468
Okay, I'm off to
the grocery store.

94
00:03:37,502 --> 00:03:39,537
-So, what'd you do with the gun?
-Gun?

95
00:03:39,570 --> 00:03:42,807
Yeah, my father gave me a gun
as a present yesterday.

96
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,642
Where was that during
birthday sex?

97
00:03:44,675 --> 00:03:46,076
Maybe I would have finished.

98
00:03:46,110 --> 00:03:48,379
Unlike you,
guns can actually fire.

99
00:03:48,413 --> 00:03:50,615
I don't think this marriage
needs a gun.

100
00:03:50,648 --> 00:03:52,750
Anyway, I hid the gun
someplace safe

101
00:03:52,783 --> 00:03:55,119
until I can figure out how to
properly dispose of it.

102
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:57,622
So don't get any ideas.

103
00:03:57,655 --> 00:03:58,989
Good for Lois.

104
00:03:59,023 --> 00:04:00,558
Guns are a major problem,

105
00:04:00,591 --> 00:04:01,992
especially in the hands
of someone like...

106
00:04:02,026 --> 00:04:03,628
(gunshot, glass breaking)

107
00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:07,732
It was in a box with
Chris's adoption papers... Oh.

108
00:04:07,765 --> 00:04:10,368
You heard nothing.

109
00:04:13,438 --> 00:04:14,972
Hi, I got my gun here.

110
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,474
I'd like to rent a stall,
please.

111
00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:19,276
Sure. You need a tutorial
before you start?

112
00:04:19,310 --> 00:04:20,945
(chuckles)
Yeah, it's a gun range.

113
00:04:20,978 --> 00:04:22,547
I think I got it.

114
00:04:23,614 --> 00:04:25,950
Wait! I think I did it wrong.

115
00:04:28,052 --> 00:04:30,187
So how was the gun range, Dad?

116
00:04:30,220 --> 00:04:32,323
Did you shoot up
that silhouette real good?

117
00:04:32,357 --> 00:04:36,927
(laughs)
That is so my dad.

118
00:04:36,961 --> 00:04:39,897
♪

119
00:04:41,632 --> 00:04:43,601
Now here to sing
the Heart classic "Alone"

120
00:04:43,634 --> 00:04:45,102
is Chris Griffin.

121
00:04:45,135 --> 00:04:48,205
♪

122
00:04:48,238 --> 00:04:51,141
♪ I hear the ticking
of the clock ♪

123
00:04:51,175 --> 00:04:52,943
♪ I'm lying here ♪

124
00:04:52,977 --> 00:04:56,046
♪ The room's pitch dark ♪

125
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:59,016
♪

126
00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:02,219
♪ I wonder where you are
tonight ♪

127
00:05:02,252 --> 00:05:06,491
♪ No answer on the telephone. ♪

128
00:05:06,524 --> 00:05:08,693
PETER:
Turn around.

129
00:05:10,828 --> 00:05:13,931
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to The Orville on Fox.

130
00:05:15,833 --> 00:05:18,235
Why do you hate that show
so much?

131
00:05:18,268 --> 00:05:19,537
(different voice):
Because it's preventing me

132
00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:22,373
from doing my work here
at Family Guy.

133
00:05:25,410 --> 00:05:28,078
Damn it, I think
I loaded a bullet wrong.

134
00:05:28,112 --> 00:05:30,180
All right, let's all take turns
looking down the barrel

135
00:05:30,214 --> 00:05:32,817
with one eyeball and see if we
can figure out what's going on.

136
00:05:32,850 --> 00:05:34,585
Chris, you go first.

137
00:05:34,619 --> 00:05:36,987
Oh, my God, Peter.
Give me that.

138
00:05:37,021 --> 00:05:39,924
This gun is not staying in this
house for one more second.

139
00:05:39,957 --> 00:05:41,426
I'm giving it back to my father.

140
00:05:41,459 --> 00:05:43,027
Yeah, it's been a disaster.

141
00:05:43,060 --> 00:05:45,262
Like when Peter was the only one
not wearing black jeans

142
00:05:45,295 --> 00:05:46,731
at a Rush concert.

143
00:05:46,764 --> 00:05:48,833
(cheering)

144
00:05:48,866 --> 00:05:50,501
Sing "Tom Sawyer"!

145
00:05:50,535 --> 00:05:51,936
We already did.

146
00:05:51,969 --> 00:05:53,404
And what are you wearing?!

147
00:05:53,438 --> 00:05:55,940
What? These are
my concert khakis.

148
00:05:55,973 --> 00:05:58,576
Beat him!
Beat him in six-eight time.

149
00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:00,277
And don't let him escape

150
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:03,380
to the completely unoccupied
ladies' room.

151
00:06:03,414 --> 00:06:04,782
Ah! No. Please,

152
00:06:04,815 --> 00:06:07,585
uncles who voted for
Gary Johnson, leave me alone.

153
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:11,121
(whimpering)

154
00:06:11,155 --> 00:06:14,925
And now a song
about radio towers.

155
00:06:18,963 --> 00:06:20,598
Daddy?

156
00:06:20,631 --> 00:06:22,399
Daddy, are you there?

157
00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:30,741
(whispering):
Don't do anything to scare him.

158
00:06:30,775 --> 00:06:33,243
He flew on my shoulder
while I was having a lemonade.

159
00:06:33,277 --> 00:06:34,945
-Daddy, I...
-(squawking)

160
00:06:39,349 --> 00:06:40,485
What?

161
00:06:40,518 --> 00:06:42,152
Daddy, you need to take
this gun back.

162
00:06:42,186 --> 00:06:44,154
I never should have accepted it
in the first place.

163
00:06:44,188 --> 00:06:45,823
And you never should have
given it to me.

164
00:06:45,856 --> 00:06:46,991
Are you sure?

165
00:06:47,024 --> 00:06:48,793
I bought it at Anthropologie.

166
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:49,960
Oh.

167
00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:51,328
Wait a minute,
what am I saying?

168
00:06:51,361 --> 00:06:52,830
No. You have to take it back.

169
00:06:52,863 --> 00:06:54,965
I'm not. You're keeping it.
It's a gift.

170
00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:58,335
Damn it, Daddy, why won't you
just take the gun?

171
00:06:58,368 --> 00:07:00,571
Oh, my God! Daddy!

172
00:07:00,605 --> 00:07:01,839
I'm so sorry.

173
00:07:01,872 --> 00:07:03,440
(gasps) It can't be too serious.

174
00:07:03,474 --> 00:07:05,976
They haven't done an overhead
crane shot yet.

175
00:07:06,010 --> 00:07:08,112
Oh, God! There it is!

176
00:07:08,145 --> 00:07:10,114
-I'm calling 911.
-(line rings)

177
00:07:10,147 --> 00:07:12,149
Oh, no. It's floating up,

178
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:14,685
signifying his spirit
leaving his body.

179
00:07:14,719 --> 00:07:16,353
(single minor key note plays)

180
00:07:16,386 --> 00:07:18,523
And there's
the single minor key note.

181
00:07:18,556 --> 00:07:19,957
This is bad.

182
00:07:19,990 --> 00:07:23,327
Family Guy will be right
(squawks): back.

183
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,796
Well, now it doesn't
seem so serious.

184
00:07:33,971 --> 00:07:36,106
Hey, quick question:
any of you guys know how

185
00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:37,708
to countersue somebody?

186
00:07:37,742 --> 00:07:40,044
Dr. Hartman, please,
how's my father?

187
00:07:40,077 --> 00:07:41,979
Well, at this point,
it's hard to say.

188
00:07:42,012 --> 00:07:43,848
He suffered severe head trauma.

189
00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:45,883
So if you want to beat him
in Mario Kart,

190
00:07:45,916 --> 00:07:47,484
this is your chance.

191
00:07:47,518 --> 00:07:50,320
(video game sounds on TV)

192
00:07:50,354 --> 00:07:53,824
And the champ is dethroned.

193
00:07:55,425 --> 00:07:57,728
Oh, poor Daddy.
You know what?

194
00:07:57,762 --> 00:07:59,664
We're gonna bring him home
with us

195
00:07:59,697 --> 00:08:02,366
and take care of him
until he's 100%.

196
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:04,001
What? Oh, come on, Mom.

197
00:08:04,034 --> 00:08:06,704
I want Grandpa to get better,
too, but living with us?

198
00:08:06,737 --> 00:08:08,505
Why can't Grandma
take care of him?

199
00:08:08,539 --> 00:08:09,707
Oh, she's busy.

200
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:11,676
She went to Antarctica
to steal a penguin.

201
00:08:11,709 --> 00:08:13,010
Penguin?

202
00:08:13,043 --> 00:08:15,746
Daddy's gonna require
all our love and support.

203
00:08:15,780 --> 00:08:17,414
Well, you got the right guy
for that.

204
00:08:17,447 --> 00:08:19,016
I'm great at supporting people.

205
00:08:19,049 --> 00:08:22,252
On Mad Men,
I was Christina Hendricks' bra.

206
00:08:22,286 --> 00:08:24,154
Joan, can you call a meeting
of the partners?

207
00:08:24,188 --> 00:08:25,389
PETER (muffled):
Help me.

208
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:27,925
Too much is being asked of me.

209
00:08:27,958 --> 00:08:29,259
CHRIS (muffled):
At least you're there.

210
00:08:29,293 --> 00:08:31,428
I'm Jon Hamm's underwear.

211
00:08:31,461 --> 00:08:33,430
STEWIE (muffled):
Why am I Elisabeth Moss's socks?

212
00:08:33,463 --> 00:08:35,032
Chris and I should switch.

213
00:08:35,065 --> 00:08:37,568
-CHRIS: Yeah, let's switch.
-STEWIE: We're gonna switch.

214
00:08:41,606 --> 00:08:43,140
All right, Chris,
give me a hand with Carter.

215
00:08:47,144 --> 00:08:48,913
JOE:
Hey, I heard another chair.

216
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:52,049
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!

217
00:08:52,082 --> 00:08:54,785
He's not paralyzed, Joe,
he's just recovering.

218
00:08:54,819 --> 00:08:56,420
Ah.

219
00:09:00,057 --> 00:09:02,960
All right, Daddy living here
is gonna be a big adjustment,

220
00:09:02,993 --> 00:09:05,362
and we're all gonna
have to make sacrifices.

221
00:09:05,395 --> 00:09:07,798
So, Meg, Daddy will sleep
in your room,

222
00:09:07,832 --> 00:09:10,200
and Stewie and Chris,
you'll stay where you are.

223
00:09:10,234 --> 00:09:12,703
What? I'm the only one
sacrificing.

224
00:09:12,737 --> 00:09:15,205
Don't be ridiculous, Meg.
I said everybody's names.

225
00:09:15,239 --> 00:09:17,474
Come on, Meg, it won't be any
worse than when I took

226
00:09:17,507 --> 00:09:19,810
Gérard Depardieu
to Burning Man.

227
00:09:19,844 --> 00:09:21,278
I feel so free.

228
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,813
My breasts are muddied up.

229
00:09:22,847 --> 00:09:24,815
I'm tripping balls.

230
00:09:24,849 --> 00:09:27,451
Easy, Gérard, we're still
at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.

231
00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,053
I'm gonna go crazy.

232
00:09:29,086 --> 00:09:30,821
You can poop anywhere.

233
00:09:30,855 --> 00:09:33,090
We'll take the insurance.

234
00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:38,228
All right, Carter, now we're
gonna try and jog your memory

235
00:09:38,262 --> 00:09:40,330
and get you talking
with some familiar pictures.

236
00:09:40,364 --> 00:09:42,432
So I'll hold them up
and you say what they are.

237
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,003
What? You don't know
who this is?

238
00:09:46,036 --> 00:09:47,838
But he's so talented.

239
00:09:47,872 --> 00:09:49,106
Anyone who doesn't know
who he is

240
00:09:49,139 --> 00:09:51,175
brings shame on his children
and wife.

241
00:09:51,208 --> 00:09:53,243
Peter, come on.
We're trying to help Daddy,

242
00:09:53,277 --> 00:09:56,413
not relive our embarrassing loss
to Joe and Bonnie in Celebrity.

243
00:09:56,446 --> 00:09:58,015
All right, fine.
Next picture.

244
00:09:58,048 --> 00:10:01,285
What? You don't know
who he is, either?

245
00:10:01,318 --> 00:10:03,353
Go on, Lois, scream at him
that he should know.

246
00:10:03,387 --> 00:10:05,289
This guy was in a movie once.

247
00:10:05,322 --> 00:10:07,925
That means we need to put a
fifth head on Mount Rushmore.

248
00:10:07,958 --> 00:10:09,927
Damn it, Peter, you should've
known who he is.

249
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,628
Even Joe knew.

250
00:10:11,662 --> 00:10:13,964
Yep, Joe sure did.

251
00:10:13,998 --> 00:10:16,200
Hey, Ansel Elgort
and Gemma Arterton

252
00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:18,035
are in a Cary Fukunaga film.

253
00:10:18,068 --> 00:10:19,837
Good for them.

254
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:25,209
All right, Daddy,
I know NCIS is on,

255
00:10:25,242 --> 00:10:27,611
but I want to watch
Real Housewives,

256
00:10:27,644 --> 00:10:30,114
unless you tell me not to.

257
00:10:30,147 --> 00:10:32,182
(grunting)

258
00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:33,784
Oh, those two hate each other.

259
00:10:33,818 --> 00:10:35,853
These two have
a three-year-old feud

260
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:38,989
based on an offhanded remark
at a charity fashion show.

261
00:10:39,023 --> 00:10:41,358
(grunting)

262
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,694
I'm sure Andy Cohen
will explain it all

263
00:10:43,728 --> 00:10:46,163
on Watch What Happens Live
after the show.

264
00:10:46,196 --> 00:10:48,966
No! The show itself
is bad enough!

265
00:10:48,999 --> 00:10:51,869
We don't need another show
explaining what we just saw.

266
00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:53,503
Daddy! You're back.

267
00:10:53,537 --> 00:10:55,405
Please, anything but this show.

268
00:10:55,439 --> 00:10:57,507
We could watch Netflix.

269
00:10:57,541 --> 00:10:59,376
Uh, Cleveland Brown:

270
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:02,046
You Startin' To See
What I'm Sayin'?

271
00:11:02,079 --> 00:11:03,914
So, the president pulls the plug

272
00:11:03,948 --> 00:11:06,383
on an investigation
into the president?

273
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:08,418
You startin' to see
what I'm sayin'?

274
00:11:08,452 --> 00:11:10,788
(laughter, applause)

275
00:11:15,459 --> 00:11:17,427
Since you're doing
a little better, Daddy,

276
00:11:17,461 --> 00:11:19,263
I thought you should see
where you work.

277
00:11:19,296 --> 00:11:22,099
It might help trigger
more memories about your life.

278
00:11:22,132 --> 00:11:25,235
I work here? Wow.
This place is huge.

279
00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:26,771
What do we do? Are we nice?

280
00:11:26,804 --> 00:11:29,039
You put pesticides in baby food.

281
00:11:29,073 --> 00:11:30,841
-Aw.
-Not only that,

282
00:11:30,875 --> 00:11:33,610
-your chemical waste
gave a town cancer.
-Yikes.

283
00:11:33,643 --> 00:11:36,747
-You burned down
the entire Amazon rain forest.
-Whoops.

284
00:11:36,781 --> 00:11:39,416
-You're the number-one producer
of whale meat.
-Sheesh.

285
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,118
You dumped lead
in drinking water.

286
00:11:41,151 --> 00:11:44,721
-Zoinks.
-Your oil pipeline moved
12 Native American tribes.

287
00:11:44,755 --> 00:11:47,457
-(whistles)
-Your fertilizer plant exploded,

288
00:11:47,491 --> 00:11:49,526
-killing 4,000.
-(inhales sharply)

289
00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:52,362
-You bought Vine
and shut it down.
-I did what?

290
00:11:52,396 --> 00:11:55,132
-You bought
Vine and shut it down.
-I did what?

291
00:11:55,165 --> 00:11:57,935
-You bought Vine
and shut it down.
-I did what?

292
00:11:57,968 --> 00:12:00,637
I'm sorry, Daddy, but you're
a very cutthroat businessman.

293
00:12:00,670 --> 00:12:01,906
And maybe worst of all,

294
00:12:01,939 --> 00:12:05,142
you engage in constant,
gratuitous animal testing.

295
00:12:05,175 --> 00:12:07,812
Sir, as you requested, we had
all the monkeys watch Vikings.

296
00:12:07,845 --> 00:12:09,646
Did they like it?
Do they think it's worth

297
00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:11,381
-me putting in the time?
-Uh, no.

298
00:12:11,415 --> 00:12:12,883
-They didn't care for it.
-Good.

299
00:12:12,917 --> 00:12:14,151
This is valuable information.

300
00:12:14,184 --> 00:12:16,153
Now have them watch
Sarah Jessica Parker

301
00:12:16,186 --> 00:12:18,155
and Thomas Haden Church
in Divorce.

302
00:12:18,188 --> 00:12:21,892
Sir, they've just watched
66 consecutive hours of Vikings.

303
00:12:21,926 --> 00:12:23,093
-If you could...
-Oh, what, so you want humans

304
00:12:23,127 --> 00:12:24,594
to watch Divorce?

305
00:12:24,628 --> 00:12:27,297
Because if monkeys don't,
that's what has to happen.

306
00:12:27,331 --> 00:12:30,167
Wow, I guess I was
a cutthroat businessman.

307
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,002
But what about
when I wasn't at work?

308
00:12:32,036 --> 00:12:33,270
What did we do together?

309
00:12:33,303 --> 00:12:35,072
Well, sometimes
you made me reenact

310
00:12:35,105 --> 00:12:38,175
Kids in the Hall sketches
that basically had no endings.

311
00:12:38,208 --> 00:12:41,812
-(musical sting plays)
-(cheering and applause)

312
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:46,350
But to be honest,
we didn't do much.

313
00:12:46,383 --> 00:12:48,819
-Your work always came first.
-Really?

314
00:12:48,853 --> 00:12:51,755
And you still took care of me
when I was hurt?

315
00:12:51,788 --> 00:12:54,591
I... I don't like who I was.

316
00:12:54,624 --> 00:12:58,195
But from now on, I'm going to be
a better father and grandfather.

317
00:12:58,228 --> 00:13:00,497
We're going to spend
real time together.

318
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:03,200
Really? Oh, that'd be wonderful.

319
00:13:03,233 --> 00:13:06,603
I haven't been this happy
since I went on Safari.

320
00:13:06,636 --> 00:13:09,373
Oh, my God. This is so much
faster than Firefox.

321
00:13:09,406 --> 00:13:11,976
(chuckles) All right,
let me go to Facebook.

322
00:13:12,009 --> 00:13:14,945
F-A... (sighs)

323
00:13:14,979 --> 00:13:17,882
It's autofilling
"Fat Butt Rodeo"?

324
00:13:17,915 --> 00:13:19,483
Peter!

325
00:13:19,516 --> 00:13:22,519
You were supposed to stay
on Firefox.

326
00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,128
Morning, pumpkin.
I brought muffins.

327
00:13:31,161 --> 00:13:32,362
You brought pumpkin muffins?

328
00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:34,564
What? No. Wh-What?

329
00:13:34,598 --> 00:13:36,533
-But you said...
-You know what?
Let's try it one more time.

330
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:38,835
Hey, sweetie pie.
I brought muffins.

331
00:13:38,869 --> 00:13:41,405
-You brought sweet pies
and muffins?
-No.

332
00:13:41,438 --> 00:13:43,073
-(musical sting plays)
-(cheering and applause)

333
00:13:43,107 --> 00:13:44,341
We've already done that.

334
00:13:44,374 --> 00:13:46,010
Damn it,
now it's gonna go back outside.

335
00:13:48,445 --> 00:13:50,847
Wow, Daddy,
you really meant what you said.

336
00:13:50,881 --> 00:13:54,051
It's been wonderful spending
so much quality time with you.

337
00:13:54,084 --> 00:13:56,386
Yeah, Carter. You know, you've
always been a real bastard,

338
00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:58,722
but I got to say, it's nice to
see you turning things around.

339
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,857
Thanks. You know,
you guys made me realize

340
00:14:00,891 --> 00:14:03,327
that I wasted my whole life
caring about money,

341
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,562
and I'm not giving up
another second.

342
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:06,730
That's why I've decided

343
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:08,532
to retire
from Pewterschmidt Industries

344
00:14:08,565 --> 00:14:10,734
and give all my money
to charity.

345
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,937
Oh, Daddy, that's wonderful.

346
00:14:12,970 --> 00:14:14,438
Yeah, Carter. Good for you.

347
00:14:14,471 --> 00:14:16,506
Thanks. You know,
I was a little worried

348
00:14:16,540 --> 00:14:18,708
you guys would be mad
about losing your inheritance.

349
00:14:18,742 --> 00:14:20,344
Oh, Daddy, I don't care.

350
00:14:20,377 --> 00:14:22,112
I've seen
what wealth's done to you,

351
00:14:22,146 --> 00:14:24,181
and I certainly don't want that
to happen to us.

352
00:14:24,214 --> 00:14:26,283
Besides, we're regular people.

353
00:14:26,316 --> 00:14:29,719
We wouldn't miss millions
of dollars, right, Peter?

354
00:14:29,753 --> 00:14:31,755
I'm thinkin' I might.

355
00:14:39,997 --> 00:14:42,466
So, it's weird being Japanese.

356
00:14:42,499 --> 00:14:45,802
Last night,
my husband wanted 69.

357
00:14:45,835 --> 00:14:48,973
I said, "Why do you want
beef and broccoli now?"

358
00:14:49,006 --> 00:14:52,076
Hey, that's Chinese.

359
00:14:58,615 --> 00:15:01,118
Look, I know you're upset
about losing our inheritance,

360
00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:03,453
but when we got married,
the first thing I told you

361
00:15:03,487 --> 00:15:05,155
is I didn't want Daddy's money.

362
00:15:05,189 --> 00:15:06,423
Well, yeah, not now,

363
00:15:06,456 --> 00:15:07,891
but I didn't know
you meant forever.

364
00:15:07,924 --> 00:15:10,094
Peter, stop being so selfish.

365
00:15:10,127 --> 00:15:12,896
For the first time in my life,
I have a father who's kind

366
00:15:12,929 --> 00:15:14,965
and wants to spend time with me.

367
00:15:14,999 --> 00:15:17,601
And that's more important
than any inheritance.

368
00:15:17,634 --> 00:15:19,136
Yeah, well,
I still want that money.

369
00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,071
It's the only way
I can afford that surgery

370
00:15:21,105 --> 00:15:24,141
to turn myself
into 100% stained glass.

371
00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:27,811
-I don't get it.
-Neither do I.

372
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:32,782
Oh, my God.

373
00:15:32,816 --> 00:15:34,651
Dad's beautiful.

374
00:15:37,154 --> 00:15:38,855
All right, guys.
Now, the way I see it,

375
00:15:38,888 --> 00:15:41,358
Carter's only giving away
his money 'cause he's nice now.

376
00:15:41,391 --> 00:15:42,759
So to get our inheritance,

377
00:15:42,792 --> 00:15:45,262
we have to figure out a way
to make him mean again.

378
00:15:45,295 --> 00:15:47,764
I don't know, Dad.
He seems pretty happy.

379
00:15:47,797 --> 00:15:50,600
Anyone can get mad, Chris.
Even Shaquille O'Neal.

380
00:15:50,634 --> 00:15:52,102
Excuse me.

381
00:15:52,136 --> 00:15:55,205
My flapjacks was supposed
to have a Superman "S" on them.

382
00:15:55,239 --> 00:15:58,542
Are you mad? I...
I can't tell if you're mad.

383
00:15:58,575 --> 00:16:00,444
Very mad. This is unacceptable.

384
00:16:00,477 --> 00:16:02,212
What's the point
of having millions of dollars

385
00:16:02,246 --> 00:16:03,847
if everything can't be Superman?

386
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,283
Okay, well,
we'll fix it right away.

387
00:16:06,316 --> 00:16:07,951
Is there anything else
I can get you?

388
00:16:07,984 --> 00:16:09,386
Yes. A big ambulance.

389
00:16:09,419 --> 00:16:11,788
I am stuck in this booth.

390
00:16:11,821 --> 00:16:14,391
So, ideas-- how do we
make Carter mean again?

391
00:16:14,424 --> 00:16:15,792
Why don't we hire a prostitute

392
00:16:15,825 --> 00:16:18,028
to bring him
almost to completion?

393
00:16:18,062 --> 00:16:19,563
Okay, don't love
that my daughter

394
00:16:19,596 --> 00:16:21,298
came out of the gates with that.

395
00:16:21,331 --> 00:16:23,800
Why don't we just mix up
all the colors of his Play-Doh?

396
00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:25,835
Chris.

397
00:16:25,869 --> 00:16:27,671
Well, you know what gets
Gargamel all riled up

398
00:16:27,704 --> 00:16:30,074
is those pesky Smurfs.
Maybe there's something there.

399
00:16:30,107 --> 00:16:31,808
Ooh, I know, I know.

400
00:16:31,841 --> 00:16:34,511
Why don't we hire a transvestite
to pick him up at a bar,

401
00:16:34,544 --> 00:16:35,912
then take off her wig

402
00:16:35,945 --> 00:16:37,414
at the exact moment
of completion?

403
00:16:37,447 --> 00:16:38,848
Yeah, Meg, take it down a notch.

404
00:16:38,882 --> 00:16:40,150
I know what'll make him mad.

405
00:16:40,184 --> 00:16:42,352
Let's get him a book
for Christmas.

406
00:16:42,386 --> 00:16:44,254
Didn't I get you all books
for Christmas?

407
00:16:44,288 --> 00:16:47,157
Yeah. And now I've got something
for you to read, genius.

408
00:16:47,191 --> 00:16:50,160
It's called the room.

409
00:16:50,194 --> 00:16:52,662
Hey, wait, I got something.
How do we summon Zuul?

410
00:16:52,696 --> 00:16:54,198
I bet Zuul could help.

411
00:16:54,231 --> 00:16:56,266
Why don't we take him
to a truck stop bathroom,

412
00:16:56,300 --> 00:16:57,834
and then after completion, we...

413
00:16:57,867 --> 00:16:59,769
Okay, Meg, are you trying
to get a rise out of me?

414
00:16:59,803 --> 00:17:01,238
'Cause guess what, young lady?

415
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,073
It worked.

416
00:17:03,107 --> 00:17:05,175
Well, at least
I'm saying real ideas

417
00:17:05,209 --> 00:17:06,376
and not just repeating things

418
00:17:06,410 --> 00:17:08,011
I've seen
in children's programming.

419
00:17:08,044 --> 00:17:10,180
Yeah, Dad,
I kind of agree with Meg.

420
00:17:10,214 --> 00:17:12,949
It seems like you're going
for comedy over substance.

421
00:17:12,982 --> 00:17:15,051
I see. Well, then,

422
00:17:15,085 --> 00:17:17,587
I have one last idea
how to make Carter mean.

423
00:17:17,621 --> 00:17:19,856
(voice breaking):
Turn him into one of my kids.

424
00:17:19,889 --> 00:17:21,891
(sobbing)

425
00:17:26,896 --> 00:17:28,798
So, what do you want
to do today?

426
00:17:28,832 --> 00:17:30,400
You know, this may be crazy,

427
00:17:30,434 --> 00:17:33,570
but I'd love to finally
play piano for you.

428
00:17:33,603 --> 00:17:35,639
Cool, like Alicia Keys.

429
00:17:35,672 --> 00:17:38,375
A piano player named Keys?

430
00:17:38,408 --> 00:17:41,645
-That has to be fake, right?
-Yeah, I'd think so.

431
00:17:41,678 --> 00:17:43,880
That's pretty dumb.
I mean, if I was in a band,

432
00:17:43,913 --> 00:17:45,949
I wouldn't call myself
Carter Guitar.

433
00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:47,217
I know, right?

434
00:17:47,251 --> 00:17:48,985
Actually, I like Carter Guitar.

435
00:17:49,018 --> 00:17:51,455
-I want to be that now.
-Hey, I have an idea.

436
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:52,822
Why don't we do something
together?

437
00:17:52,856 --> 00:17:54,558
I'll play, and you sing.

438
00:17:54,591 --> 00:17:56,760
Sounds great.
Who's the guy who married a kid

439
00:17:56,793 --> 00:17:58,262
and then later on
killed his wife?

440
00:17:58,295 --> 00:18:00,164
-Jerry Lee Lewis.
-That's it.

441
00:18:00,197 --> 00:18:03,767
♪ You shake my nerves
and you rattle my brain ♪

442
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,670
♪ Something, some-something,
something, something insane ♪

443
00:18:06,703 --> 00:18:09,406
♪ Goodness gracious,
great balls of fire ♪

444
00:18:09,439 --> 00:18:11,007
(Carter vocalizing)

445
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,009
Y-You don't have to sing
the piano part.

446
00:18:13,042 --> 00:18:14,344
I'm playing it.

447
00:18:14,378 --> 00:18:16,280
All right, here's the plan.

448
00:18:16,313 --> 00:18:17,747
I clothespin his balls.

449
00:18:17,781 --> 00:18:20,684
Meg and Chris, you twist his
nipples in opposite directions.

450
00:18:20,717 --> 00:18:22,186
I'm glad you came around.

451
00:18:22,219 --> 00:18:24,688
Peter, you may want
to take a look at this.

452
00:18:24,721 --> 00:18:28,091
♪ You shake my nerves
and you rattle my brain... ♪

453
00:18:28,124 --> 00:18:30,360
Oh, my God. Look at them.

454
00:18:30,394 --> 00:18:33,096
This is just what
she's been saying she wanted:

455
00:18:33,129 --> 00:18:36,933
to spend time with her dad
and for him to love her.

456
00:18:36,966 --> 00:18:40,470
I guess that really is
more important than money.

457
00:18:40,504 --> 00:18:42,939
Wow. Dad's really
taking this to heart.

458
00:18:42,972 --> 00:18:45,041
Meg. Meg.

459
00:18:45,074 --> 00:18:46,776
Tie my shoe.

460
00:18:46,810 --> 00:18:49,379
Hey, let's do another.
How about my karaoke song?

461
00:18:49,413 --> 00:18:50,780
Sure, what-what is it?

462
00:18:50,814 --> 00:18:52,649
The theme to Hill Street Blues.

463
00:18:52,682 --> 00:18:54,451
What? But that
doesn't have any lyrics.

464
00:18:54,484 --> 00:18:56,186
The hell it doesn't.

465
00:18:56,220 --> 00:19:00,390
♪ Hill Street blues,
Hill Street blues ♪

466
00:19:00,424 --> 00:19:02,292
♪ Hill Street blues ♪

467
00:19:02,326 --> 00:19:04,994
♪ I've got
those Hill Street blues. ♪

468
00:19:05,028 --> 00:19:06,796
Wow, you're good.

469
00:19:06,830 --> 00:19:09,533
Of course I'm good.
I'm Carter Guitar.

470
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:14,037
♪ Hill Street blues,
Hill Street blues ♪

471
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,905
♪ Hill Street blues ♪

472
00:19:15,939 --> 00:19:18,642
♪ I've got
those Hill Street blues ♪

473
00:19:18,675 --> 00:19:21,211
There were some ugly people
on that show.

474
00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:23,513
That's what made it real.

475
00:19:23,547 --> 00:19:25,915
ALL:
♪ Hill Street blues ♪

476
00:19:25,949 --> 00:19:29,586
♪ Hill Street blues,
Hill Street blues ♪

477
00:19:29,619 --> 00:19:32,889
♪ I've got
those Hill Street blues. ♪

478
00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:34,891
What are you doing here?

479
00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:37,160
I'm sorry I only cared
about the money, Lois.

480
00:19:37,193 --> 00:19:40,730
You were right. You having
a dad is way more important.

481
00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:43,032
Thanks, Peter.

482
00:19:45,068 --> 00:19:49,706
♪ Hill Street blues,
Hill Street blues ♪

483
00:19:49,739 --> 00:19:51,341
♪ Hill Street blues... ♪

484
00:19:51,375 --> 00:19:54,544
-(gunshot)
-Oh, my God! Daddy!

485
00:19:54,578 --> 00:19:58,147
Who told Carter he could
give away our (bleep) money?

486
00:20:05,221 --> 00:20:07,924
Daddy? Daddy, please tell me
you can hear me.

487
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,727
Wh-Wha... What's going on?

488
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,596
And what are you idiots
doing here?

489
00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:15,532
I can't waste time with you.
I'm a cutthroat businessman.

490
00:20:15,565 --> 00:20:17,701
Aw, the gunshot
changed him back.

491
00:20:17,734 --> 00:20:21,271
Oh, thank God.
There's my Carter.

492
00:20:21,305 --> 00:20:22,706
Well, I guess it was nice

493
00:20:22,739 --> 00:20:24,541
to have time with Daddy
while I could.

494
00:20:24,574 --> 00:20:26,743
And Peter, I'm glad
you finally realized

495
00:20:26,776 --> 00:20:28,878
family is more important
than money.

496
00:20:28,912 --> 00:20:30,146
Me too, Lois.

497
00:20:30,179 --> 00:20:31,548
And I think we all learned

498
00:20:31,581 --> 00:20:33,750
a valuable lesson
about firearms.

499
00:20:33,783 --> 00:20:36,653
That's right, Peter.
Guns create problems,

500
00:20:36,686 --> 00:20:38,655
but they solve them, too.

501
00:20:38,688 --> 00:20:41,224
You said it, Lois.
And you know who else has a gun?

502
00:20:41,257 --> 00:20:44,060
Stan Smith. Take it away, Stan.

503
00:20:44,093 --> 00:20:45,395
Peter, that's...

504
00:20:45,429 --> 00:20:47,130
that show's not on
after us anymore.

505
00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:48,965
Oh. What is on?

506
00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:52,001
Something as or more successful?