1 00:00:01,583 --> 00:00:04,875 It seems today that all you see. 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:08,250 Is violence in movies and sex on TV. 3 00:00:08,333 --> 00:00:11,875 But where are those good old-fashioned values. 4 00:00:11,958 --> 00:00:14,875 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,958 --> 00:00:18,166 Lucky there's a family guy. 6 00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:21,541 Lucky there's a man who positively can do. 7 00:00:21,625 --> 00:00:23,125 All the things that make us. 8 00:00:23,291 --> 00:00:24,791 Laugh and cry. 9 00:00:24,916 --> 00:00:29,958 He's a family guy. 10 00:00:36,458 --> 00:00:39,291 Ugh. Look at Miss Tammy. What a skank. 11 00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:41,791 She's free muffin it at a baby school. 12 00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:44,250 Hi, Stewie. Mommy's here to pick you up. 13 00:00:44,333 --> 00:00:47,250 Why do you feel the need to narrate every little thing you do? 14 00:00:47,416 --> 00:00:48,875 Oh, hi, Mrs. Griffin. 15 00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:51,517 You know, I've actually been meaning to talk to you about Stewie. 16 00:00:51,541 --> 00:00:54,375 I'm concerned that he might have an attention problem. 17 00:00:54,541 --> 00:00:55,958 "Attention problem"? 18 00:00:56,083 --> 00:00:58,250 Yes, he's been a little difficult to deal with. 19 00:00:58,333 --> 00:01:01,291 And on page two of three in the How to Be a Teacher manual, 20 00:01:01,416 --> 00:01:04,708 it says that any child who's being difficult should be medicated. 21 00:01:04,916 --> 00:01:06,958 What? Drugging a baby? 22 00:01:07,041 --> 00:01:09,541 Are you sure? That sounds so serious. 23 00:01:09,708 --> 00:01:12,250 I'm afraid his behavior has been an issue for a while. 24 00:01:12,333 --> 00:01:14,833 He's even been bothering students during nap time. 25 00:01:15,083 --> 00:01:16,666 Hey. You up? 26 00:01:17,916 --> 00:01:20,166 Guess where I have a crayon. 27 00:01:24,708 --> 00:01:28,041 So, I spent like $75 on cat toys, and what does she play with? 28 00:01:28,208 --> 00:01:30,166 A shoelace. That's crazy. 29 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:32,500 Joe, that's been your answer every time I tell a story. 30 00:01:32,583 --> 00:01:33,809 It's like you're not even listening. 31 00:01:33,833 --> 00:01:35,976 Well, that's 'cause you interrupted me when I was telling you 32 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,166 about Kevin trying to hang himself with an extension cord. 33 00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:40,958 I know, that's crazy. 34 00:01:41,083 --> 00:01:43,583 Hey. Y'all wanna try some of our new food? 35 00:01:43,666 --> 00:01:46,541 I'm trying to turn this place into a gastropub. 36 00:01:46,625 --> 00:01:50,125 These are Korean tacos 'cause whatever the hell nowadays. 37 00:01:52,041 --> 00:01:53,375 Ugh. These are terrible. 38 00:01:53,625 --> 00:01:56,416 Quagmire, when it comes to tacos, 39 00:01:56,541 --> 00:01:58,500 I'll trust the Koreans, thank you. 40 00:01:58,583 --> 00:02:02,291 You're nuts. This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride. 41 00:02:02,375 --> 00:02:05,250 Jeez, Quagmire, since when are you such an expert on food? 42 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:07,666 For your information, I'm an excellent cook. 43 00:02:07,791 --> 00:02:09,250 You? A cook? 44 00:02:09,458 --> 00:02:12,416 What's your specialty? No-way-souffle? 45 00:02:12,541 --> 00:02:14,750 I'm sorry, that was out of line. 46 00:02:14,875 --> 00:02:16,750 I am a good cook. And I'll prove it to you. 47 00:02:17,083 --> 00:02:18,559 Saturday night, you and all your wives 48 00:02:18,583 --> 00:02:19,903 are coming to my place for dinner. 49 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,125 Fine, we'll be there. 50 00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:22,500 Oh, can we make it Sunday? 51 00:02:22,583 --> 00:02:25,208 Saturday, I'm giving Javier Bardem a haircut. 52 00:02:25,291 --> 00:02:26,291 So what'll it be? 53 00:02:26,416 --> 00:02:27,958 Everything. What do you mean? 54 00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:31,416 Long in the short places, short in the long places. 55 00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:34,458 It should be from both, the future and the past. 56 00:02:34,583 --> 00:02:37,083 Something a child would do to a doll. 57 00:02:42,416 --> 00:02:45,416 Sorry, I just prefer to do number two at home. Where were we? 58 00:02:45,541 --> 00:02:48,791 It's Stewie, Dr. Hartman. He's having trouble focusing at school. 59 00:02:48,958 --> 00:02:51,791 Ah, yes. So you're telling me your baby won't sit still 60 00:02:51,875 --> 00:02:53,351 in a way that's convenient for his teacher? 61 00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:54,375 Yes. 62 00:02:54,458 --> 00:02:57,666 I'd heard stories, but never thought I'd see it with my own eyes. 63 00:02:57,833 --> 00:02:59,416 Mrs. Griffin, I'm going to write Stewie 64 00:02:59,541 --> 00:03:01,666 a prescription for ADHD medication. 65 00:03:01,791 --> 00:03:05,750 Really? Well, I don't know. Doesn't that stuff make you wired? 66 00:03:05,875 --> 00:03:08,125 Well, if you're low-energy and lethargic, yes. 67 00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:09,458 But if you're high-energy, 68 00:03:09,541 --> 00:03:11,381 it actually calms you down and helps you focus. 69 00:03:11,416 --> 00:03:13,458 At least, that's what I'm reading on WebMD. 70 00:03:13,750 --> 00:03:16,291 Wow. There are a lot of different kinds of medicines. 71 00:03:16,583 --> 00:03:17,875 There's a cat in here. 72 00:03:17,958 --> 00:03:20,208 Okay, I guess we could give it a try. 73 00:03:20,291 --> 00:03:21,333 Here you go. 74 00:03:21,458 --> 00:03:23,083 Now, who's this little guy? 75 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,125 Wow, when did you learn to cook, Glenn? 76 00:03:31,291 --> 00:03:32,500 Well, as a young man, 77 00:03:32,583 --> 00:03:35,500 I found that a great meal was the quickest way to a woman's heart. 78 00:03:35,625 --> 00:03:36,958 How romantic. 79 00:03:37,333 --> 00:03:39,601 I mean, how do you think NBA players get all those chicks? 80 00:03:39,625 --> 00:03:41,750 They're all great cooks. Except Kobe Bryant. 81 00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:43,583 His secret is different. 82 00:03:43,666 --> 00:03:46,833 Quagmire, you're really good. You could probably make money at this. 83 00:03:46,958 --> 00:03:49,000 Yeah, maybe you could open a restaurant. 84 00:03:49,125 --> 00:03:51,041 Or maybe get a cooking show. 85 00:03:51,416 --> 00:03:54,458 The 11:30 cooking show on Channel 5 needs a new host. 86 00:03:54,625 --> 00:03:56,291 The old one burned off his eyebrows 87 00:03:56,375 --> 00:03:57,958 and was just too weird to look at. 88 00:03:58,041 --> 00:04:01,208 You should do it, Quagmire. I'll even come along and cheer you on. 89 00:04:01,333 --> 00:04:02,375 You'd do that for me? 90 00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:06,166 Course, I would. I love cheering people on. Like when I go to NASCAR. 91 00:04:06,291 --> 00:04:07,958 Go in a circle! 92 00:04:08,041 --> 00:04:09,416 Go in a circle! 93 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,166 Go in a circle! 94 00:04:11,291 --> 00:04:12,791 Advertise stuff! 95 00:04:13,166 --> 00:04:15,416 Advertise... Go in a circle! 96 00:04:21,375 --> 00:04:22,541 Hey, where's Stewie? 97 00:04:22,666 --> 00:04:25,291 Oh, he's probably sleeping off his pills. What? 98 00:04:25,375 --> 00:04:27,500 Well, the school said he had an attention problem, 99 00:04:27,583 --> 00:04:29,666 so Dr. Hartman gave him a prescription. 100 00:04:29,750 --> 00:04:33,000 You're giving a one-year-old drugs? You're doping up a baby. 101 00:04:33,083 --> 00:04:34,291 Peter, are you okay with this? 102 00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:35,541 Will you stop talking? 103 00:04:35,625 --> 00:04:38,500 I'm trying to think about a girl I saw at the gas station. 104 00:04:40,875 --> 00:04:42,000 Stewie? 105 00:04:43,666 --> 00:04:48,916 Welcome to pillow world, Bri. Let me get up and greet you. 106 00:04:50,583 --> 00:04:53,291 There we go. How you doing? 107 00:04:53,416 --> 00:04:55,750 Oh, my God, Stewie, you're totally drugged out. 108 00:04:55,875 --> 00:04:58,375 You know something? I've been thinking 109 00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:02,750 about how everyone in this family, Brian, does their job. 110 00:05:03,083 --> 00:05:05,375 And they do a pretty good job of it. 111 00:05:11,291 --> 00:05:13,750 God, I'm really freaking out over this audition. 112 00:05:13,875 --> 00:05:14,916 What if I blow it? 113 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,750 Quagmire, when I agreed to come to this, 114 00:05:16,875 --> 00:05:19,750 I didn't know it would require this level of emotional support. 115 00:05:19,875 --> 00:05:22,791 You Glenn Quagmire? I'm Carson, the producer of the show. 116 00:05:22,916 --> 00:05:24,416 Peter Griffin, I should be at work. 117 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:25,750 Okay, let's see what you've got. 118 00:05:25,833 --> 00:05:27,125 I think you're gonna like this. 119 00:05:27,250 --> 00:05:29,208 Cedar plank salmon with a maple glaze 120 00:05:29,291 --> 00:05:31,208 and slow-roasted cherry tomatoes 121 00:05:31,291 --> 00:05:32,833 on a bed of mesclun greens. 122 00:05:34,916 --> 00:05:36,333 Mmm. Not bad. 123 00:05:36,458 --> 00:05:39,458 Also, the tomatoes can be eyes, and the lettuce can be hair. 124 00:05:40,083 --> 00:05:42,041 Look down, there's also a carrot. 125 00:05:42,250 --> 00:05:46,416 This is great. Terrific food and a hilarious sidekick. 126 00:05:46,541 --> 00:05:48,750 This! This is the show. What do you mean? 127 00:05:48,833 --> 00:05:52,083 I'm saying you're hired just as long as your friend joins you. 128 00:05:52,166 --> 00:05:53,583 What do you say, Peter? 129 00:05:53,666 --> 00:05:55,083 I say let's do it! 130 00:05:55,791 --> 00:05:57,958 Whoops. Uh... Oh, I'm sorry. 131 00:05:59,250 --> 00:06:00,750 What do I do? 132 00:06:05,625 --> 00:06:07,375 I don't know what to do now. 133 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,333 That was the wrong choice, Peter. 134 00:06:19,708 --> 00:06:22,458 Wow, Quagmire, look at you. You're a real TV chef. 135 00:06:22,541 --> 00:06:24,458 I know. It might sound silly, 136 00:06:24,583 --> 00:06:26,916 but being a chef is something I've always dreamed about. 137 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,458 I always dream about my house filling up with water. 138 00:06:29,583 --> 00:06:30,625 That's crazy. 139 00:06:30,708 --> 00:06:32,625 But anyway, thanks for encouraging me, Peter. 140 00:06:32,750 --> 00:06:37,458 All right, places. We're rolling in three, two, one. 141 00:06:37,541 --> 00:06:39,500 Welcome back to Quagmire's Kitchen. 142 00:06:39,583 --> 00:06:41,166 Now, this mince pie's about ready to go. 143 00:06:41,291 --> 00:06:42,791 Just needs a pinch of cinnamon. 144 00:06:42,875 --> 00:06:43,875 And while we're at it, 145 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,833 how about we take the cinnamon challenge? 146 00:06:45,958 --> 00:06:48,642 Okay, Peter, we've all seen the Internet videos, we're not doing that. 147 00:06:48,666 --> 00:06:50,083 I was talking about something else. 148 00:06:50,166 --> 00:06:52,333 I was talking about a serious cooking thing. 149 00:06:52,458 --> 00:06:54,333 Now, the ingredients of a mince pie 150 00:06:54,416 --> 00:06:56,166 are traceable to the 13th century, 151 00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:57,958 when returning European crusaders 152 00:06:58,041 --> 00:06:59,583 brought back Middle Eastern recipes 153 00:06:59,708 --> 00:07:03,375 containing meats, fruits and, oh, boy, spices. 154 00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:05,625 Right here I'm using cloves. 155 00:07:05,708 --> 00:07:08,583 Of course, most people associate a mince pie with Christmas. 156 00:07:08,666 --> 00:07:11,875 But I'll be honest. I'm not afraid of a summer mince pie. 157 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,875 I remember the first time I had mince pie. 158 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,541 Our neighbor, Mrs. Moran, introduced it to me one afternoon. 159 00:07:16,666 --> 00:07:18,083 God! I had house-sat for her 160 00:07:18,208 --> 00:07:19,892 while she was visiting her aunt in Vernon. Oh, God. 161 00:07:19,916 --> 00:07:21,041 And she wanted to thank me. 162 00:07:21,166 --> 00:07:23,375 And, oh, boy, what a treat it was. 163 00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:25,250 You done? Yeah. 164 00:07:26,208 --> 00:07:28,500 All right, best two out of three, cinnamon. 165 00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:38,750 Still on those meds, huh? 166 00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:41,916 Uh, yeah, they help me to, um... 167 00:07:43,333 --> 00:07:45,125 Uh... Think. 168 00:07:45,708 --> 00:07:48,500 Okay, time for an eyes-open nap. 169 00:07:50,583 --> 00:07:52,583 God, look what those pills are doing to you. 170 00:07:52,708 --> 00:07:54,708 Putting you on that stuff was a huge mistake. 171 00:07:54,833 --> 00:07:57,166 Like inviting a turtle to a cocktail party. 172 00:07:57,916 --> 00:08:00,916 Hey. Ask me why they call me a box turtle. 173 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,375 See, this is how American society 174 00:08:05,458 --> 00:08:07,500 treats unique, enthusiastic children. 175 00:08:07,583 --> 00:08:09,541 Instead of embracing their mental gifts, 176 00:08:09,625 --> 00:08:12,166 their first reaction is to shoot them up with hardcore drugs 177 00:08:12,250 --> 00:08:13,916 until they're mindless sheeple. 178 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,000 All the better to send off to Kuwait 179 00:08:16,083 --> 00:08:18,041 and feed the Halliburton oil machine, right? 180 00:08:18,791 --> 00:08:20,000 Bush. 181 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,833 Yup, takes all kinds. 182 00:08:23,291 --> 00:08:25,791 You know, a lot of kids in my school take ADD pills. 183 00:08:25,916 --> 00:08:27,791 They say if you're lazy and unmotivated, 184 00:08:27,916 --> 00:08:30,166 it makes you super energized and productive. 185 00:08:31,166 --> 00:08:33,083 Really? Productive? 186 00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:35,208 Yeah. And college kids take it all the time 187 00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:36,750 so they can focus on their studies 188 00:08:36,833 --> 00:08:38,750 and drinking alcohol with their butts. 189 00:08:41,166 --> 00:08:42,541 Focus, huh? 190 00:08:42,958 --> 00:08:44,333 Okay, well, Stewie, 191 00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:46,666 these babies can help the garbage disposal focus. 192 00:08:46,791 --> 00:08:48,791 Because that's where they're going. 193 00:08:48,916 --> 00:08:51,791 No need to follow me because I just said what I was gonna do. 194 00:08:57,416 --> 00:09:01,125 My God, I can't stop. The words are just pouring out of me. 195 00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,833 I have more energy than a guy who caught a T-shirt. 196 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,625 My wife can wear this to sleep! 197 00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:10,416 My wife can wear this to sleep! 198 00:09:15,750 --> 00:09:18,291 Okay, today we're putting together duck breast medallions 199 00:09:18,416 --> 00:09:19,958 with a port wine reduction. 200 00:09:20,041 --> 00:09:21,601 And as I'm walking you through the steps, 201 00:09:21,625 --> 00:09:24,750 watch your screen for Junior Chef Peter's pop-up tips. 202 00:09:24,833 --> 00:09:28,083 Helpful hints and food factoids to make your meal a success. 203 00:09:28,166 --> 00:09:29,458 Now, you're gonna want to start 204 00:09:29,541 --> 00:09:31,291 with a large self-sealing plastic bag. 205 00:09:31,375 --> 00:09:35,833 And in that bag, we'll combine one large, finely chopped garlic clove, 206 00:09:35,958 --> 00:09:38,500 one tablespoon of grated, peeled, fresh ginger, 207 00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:41,875 two teaspoons of five-spice powder, a teaspoon of salt, 208 00:09:42,041 --> 00:09:44,541 and a half teaspoon of fresh ground pepper. 209 00:09:44,666 --> 00:09:47,458 Then you're gonna wanna add the duck breasts, seal the bag, 210 00:09:47,541 --> 00:09:48,767 and refrigerate that for at least one hour, 211 00:09:48,791 --> 00:09:51,708 or up to 24 hours if you wanna prepare this ahead of time. 212 00:09:51,833 --> 00:09:53,309 Just make sure you remove the bag from 213 00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:55,791 the refrigerator one hour before cooking. 214 00:09:56,333 --> 00:09:59,791 You're gonna put that in your oven, preheat it to 400 degrees. 215 00:10:01,791 --> 00:10:03,375 So we just spoon on the drippings, 216 00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:05,083 and that'll brown the skin nicely. 217 00:10:05,208 --> 00:10:07,625 If you bang these metal spoons on everything, 218 00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,041 it's like STOMP. 219 00:10:09,791 --> 00:10:12,416 Look at me! I'm huge in 2002! 220 00:10:12,541 --> 00:10:13,541 Peter. 221 00:10:13,625 --> 00:10:16,375 Nothing like a night at the theater that ends in a headache! 222 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:17,708 Damn it, Peter, that's it! 223 00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:20,041 I can't do this show with you anymore! You're fired! 224 00:10:20,166 --> 00:10:23,666 What? You can't fire me! Only Mr. Spacely can fire me. 225 00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:26,833 Griffin, you're fired! 226 00:10:26,916 --> 00:10:28,583 Okay, that's fair. 227 00:10:34,375 --> 00:10:35,541 Peter, can I come in? 228 00:10:35,625 --> 00:10:38,666 Hold on, let me put on my weird old actress turban. 229 00:10:40,166 --> 00:10:41,416 Yes? 230 00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:43,166 Listen, I saw what happened, 231 00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:46,166 but you should know, we at the station would hate to lose you. 232 00:10:46,250 --> 00:10:47,708 You're a big hit with the viewers. 233 00:10:47,791 --> 00:10:50,125 I will not work with that man again. 234 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,541 I'm not asking you to. 235 00:10:51,625 --> 00:10:54,541 In fact, we'd like to offer you your own cooking show. 236 00:10:54,958 --> 00:10:57,208 Hmm. Let me consult with my lawyer. 237 00:10:57,333 --> 00:10:59,916 Well, Peter, since the DUIs happened so close together, 238 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,750 we don't really have much wiggle room here. 239 00:11:01,916 --> 00:11:04,958 I suggest you take the jail time and just get it over with. 240 00:11:05,208 --> 00:11:07,875 I'll do it. After October 13th. 241 00:11:15,625 --> 00:11:18,083 Come on, Rupert. Wait till you see this. 242 00:11:18,166 --> 00:11:20,541 This is really something special. 243 00:11:20,625 --> 00:11:24,375 Check out how much water is in the dehumidifier. 244 00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:30,041 That was all in the air. 245 00:11:33,416 --> 00:11:38,083 Brian? Is that, uh... Is that you? 246 00:11:38,166 --> 00:11:39,541 Stewie! Rearrange. 247 00:11:39,625 --> 00:11:42,833 Ewiets. Rearrange. Wieest. Restore. Stewie. 248 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,560 Hey, come see what I've been working on. 249 00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:49,166 I call it Space Shire Seven. 250 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:54,166 Nice, nice. It's like, it's like a fake place you made? 251 00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:57,416 It's a medieval sci-fi universe, adaptable to TV, movies, 252 00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:58,916 toys, games, and mobile apps! 253 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,291 I threw together a 2,000-page treatment last night. 254 00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:03,601 And I just figured, the hell with it, why not build a scale model 255 00:12:03,625 --> 00:12:05,225 and record voices for all the characters? 256 00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:06,291 Watch. 257 00:12:06,458 --> 00:12:07,791 Well met, stranger. 258 00:12:10,083 --> 00:12:13,416 That's a Nebulon Mage. He speaks Gabi, this dumb language I wrote. 259 00:12:14,083 --> 00:12:16,708 It's then illegal? What? 260 00:12:18,125 --> 00:12:19,500 Hello? 261 00:12:24,333 --> 00:12:27,208 Okay, now we add the diced tomatoes. 262 00:12:28,041 --> 00:12:32,083 Just gonna keep going here. I like to drizzle these with a fig balsamic... 263 00:12:32,208 --> 00:12:34,166 Damn it. What the hell is going on over there? 264 00:12:38,833 --> 00:12:42,875 And that's my famous paella that looks and tastes just like a pizza bagel. 265 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,000 It's a pizza bagel. 266 00:12:44,083 --> 00:12:46,833 Now, as always, add butter to taste. 267 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,500 Mmm. Delicious! 268 00:12:49,625 --> 00:12:50,791 Butter dunk! 269 00:12:55,250 --> 00:12:57,958 Stop it! Stop the show! What the hell are you doing? 270 00:12:58,041 --> 00:13:00,541 You're just pouring melted butter onto frozen foods. 271 00:13:00,666 --> 00:13:02,541 You're not a chef. Oh, really? 272 00:13:02,625 --> 00:13:04,750 Then why do I already have a restaurant 273 00:13:04,875 --> 00:13:06,916 in Orlando's largest indoor water park? 274 00:13:07,083 --> 00:13:09,750 This is an insult to anyone who cares about cooking. 275 00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:11,750 Either you leave the network or I do! 276 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,791 Guys, guys, look, I know how we can settle this. 277 00:13:13,916 --> 00:13:14,916 A cook-off. 278 00:13:14,958 --> 00:13:18,541 Each of you cooks a meal using a secret ingredient, Iron Chef style. 279 00:13:18,666 --> 00:13:20,541 Will we be allowed to use calculators? 280 00:13:20,750 --> 00:13:22,791 Um, I don't... What? 281 00:13:22,875 --> 00:13:24,250 I say bring it on! 282 00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:27,916 Fine! A cook-off it is. See you in the kitchen, jerk. 283 00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:30,416 I'll see you in hell, loser. 284 00:13:32,041 --> 00:13:34,291 Bad day to carpool. Yeah. 285 00:13:39,916 --> 00:13:41,541 Okay, Joe. Peter and I are going 286 00:13:41,625 --> 00:13:43,225 head-to-head in that cooking competition, 287 00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:44,892 and they're letting us each use an assistant. 288 00:13:44,916 --> 00:13:45,916 Will you help me out? 289 00:13:46,041 --> 00:13:47,833 Okay, but just promise me there's no reading. 290 00:13:47,958 --> 00:13:50,000 I'm not a strong reader. What? 291 00:13:50,125 --> 00:13:51,916 I'm not illiterate, I'm just slow. 292 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,041 What are you talking about? 293 00:13:53,125 --> 00:13:56,458 I never tried hard in school 'cause I could always run fast. 294 00:13:58,125 --> 00:14:00,750 So, you're cool with being my chef helper for the big show? 295 00:14:00,833 --> 00:14:02,500 Sure, but I got to be honest. 296 00:14:02,583 --> 00:14:04,125 If it ain't a fish with whiskers, 297 00:14:04,250 --> 00:14:05,750 I don't know what to do with it. 298 00:14:05,833 --> 00:14:06,833 But if it is? 299 00:14:06,916 --> 00:14:08,833 Then sweet sassy molassey! 300 00:14:09,125 --> 00:14:12,291 Great. Don't talk that way when we're on the show. 301 00:14:14,583 --> 00:14:18,041 You're taking a chance, risking it all. 302 00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:21,125 For the thrill of the moment. 303 00:14:22,125 --> 00:14:25,458 Taking a stand, but you aint gonna fall. 304 00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:28,291 You've always known it. 305 00:14:29,041 --> 00:14:31,791 They're dying to shake you. 306 00:14:33,041 --> 00:14:35,500 They're trying their best to break you. 307 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,833 And though the going is rough. 308 00:14:37,916 --> 00:14:41,000 You're going home as a hero. 309 00:14:42,291 --> 00:14:45,208 'Cause there's thunder in your heart. 310 00:14:45,875 --> 00:14:48,875 Every move is like lightning. 311 00:14:49,541 --> 00:14:54,458 It's the power you feel when you get your taste of the glory. 312 00:14:56,791 --> 00:14:58,500 You can light the dark. 313 00:14:58,583 --> 00:15:01,833 When they hear your heart of thunder. 314 00:15:06,875 --> 00:15:10,583 Stewie! Stew-ez Canal. You're here. We got to get going. 315 00:15:10,708 --> 00:15:12,041 "Going"? 316 00:15:13,416 --> 00:15:15,166 Where? To Hartford, man. 317 00:15:15,250 --> 00:15:16,684 There's a book fair at the convention center, 318 00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,875 and George R.R. Martin will be there. 319 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,291 Who's that? 320 00:15:20,375 --> 00:15:22,416 Uh, Game of Thrones, black shirts, dandruff. 321 00:15:22,541 --> 00:15:25,041 Takes down more nerd chotch than anyone around? 322 00:15:25,166 --> 00:15:26,166 Okay. 323 00:15:26,208 --> 00:15:27,608 Anyway, I'm gonna show him my models 324 00:15:27,666 --> 00:15:29,541 and pitch him Space Shire Seven. 325 00:15:29,666 --> 00:15:33,375 Okay, before we go, I should wet my eyes. 326 00:15:40,458 --> 00:15:41,916 There. 327 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,375 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker, 328 00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:52,083 and we have a fantastic cooking competition for you today 329 00:15:52,250 --> 00:15:54,291 with two fantastic chefs. 330 00:15:54,416 --> 00:15:57,458 Really? You couldn't find another adjective for "fantastic"? 331 00:15:57,583 --> 00:15:59,500 Used "fantastic" twice? Who wrote this? 332 00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:00,583 Erica did. 333 00:16:00,708 --> 00:16:02,788 Wait, is that the one I called fat and we can't fire? 334 00:16:02,875 --> 00:16:03,875 Yeah. 335 00:16:03,916 --> 00:16:05,500 Let's get this contest started! 336 00:16:08,541 --> 00:16:10,125 Big whoop. I can do that. 337 00:16:11,833 --> 00:16:14,250 Oh, my God, Erica! You killed Erica! 338 00:16:14,375 --> 00:16:15,875 Fantastic. 339 00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:24,666 That's him. George R.R. Martin. 340 00:16:27,750 --> 00:16:29,416 God, he must be the coolest fat guy 341 00:16:29,541 --> 00:16:31,250 in a train conductor's cap in the world! 342 00:16:31,750 --> 00:16:33,250 Mr. Martin, I'm Brian Griffin, 343 00:16:33,333 --> 00:16:35,791 and I've got a pitch that's gonna blow you away. 344 00:16:35,916 --> 00:16:38,041 Are you sitting down? Almost always. 345 00:16:38,125 --> 00:16:42,750 Then join me on an interstellar crusade to Space Shire Seven! 346 00:16:43,458 --> 00:16:45,875 Our story begins 50,000 fortnights ago 347 00:16:45,958 --> 00:16:48,250 in the distant galaxy of Warlock's Keep. 348 00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:49,583 Comet Castle falls. 349 00:16:49,708 --> 00:16:52,250 Samson Cyberblood is the new king of the star system. 350 00:16:52,333 --> 00:16:56,500 Long live Space Shire Seven, and long live the Hyperspeed Throne! 351 00:16:58,416 --> 00:16:59,916 So? What do you think? 352 00:17:00,041 --> 00:17:01,208 It was terrible. 353 00:17:01,416 --> 00:17:03,833 Ah, you're speaking the language of the Opposite Goblins. 354 00:17:03,958 --> 00:17:05,250 I'm very flattered. 355 00:17:05,333 --> 00:17:07,958 No, it's garbage. You just took a lot of pills, 356 00:17:08,083 --> 00:17:10,958 mashed together a bunch of sci-fi and fantasy cliches 357 00:17:11,083 --> 00:17:13,666 and crapped out a 2,000-page turd. 358 00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:15,833 You could tell I was on medication? 359 00:17:15,958 --> 00:17:17,041 Oh, sure. 360 00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:20,833 But that stuff doesn't make you write well, it just makes you write a lot. 361 00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:22,041 Now, if you'll excuse me, 362 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:24,791 I have to go wash the nerd chotch out of my beard. 363 00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:28,500 God. 364 00:17:28,541 --> 00:17:32,166 I didn't realize how those drugs were ruining me creatively. 365 00:17:32,291 --> 00:17:35,041 I haven't been feeling quite right, either. 366 00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:38,291 Yesterday, I watched Chris shower for half an hour 367 00:17:38,375 --> 00:17:40,625 just because I thought it was the TV. 368 00:17:41,208 --> 00:17:44,333 He, um, lies on his back in there. 369 00:17:44,416 --> 00:17:46,708 Stewie, this drug is ruining us. 370 00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:47,916 We don't need these. 371 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,083 You're right. 372 00:17:49,166 --> 00:17:52,083 These pills are for people with real problems. 373 00:17:52,166 --> 00:17:54,083 But there's nothing wrong with us. 374 00:17:54,208 --> 00:17:56,041 You're just lazy, I'm just excitable. 375 00:17:56,166 --> 00:17:59,208 We're both normal. Now let's go home. 376 00:18:02,416 --> 00:18:07,375 That man is an imposter! I am George R.R. Martin! 377 00:18:16,583 --> 00:18:18,833 Let's begin the Channel 5 cook-off. 378 00:18:18,916 --> 00:18:21,583 Remember, the winner gets to keep his TV show. 379 00:18:21,666 --> 00:18:24,208 And the secret ingredient is 380 00:18:24,958 --> 00:18:26,041 butter. 381 00:18:26,416 --> 00:18:28,125 Oh, sweet! No. 382 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:29,750 That's Peter's specialty. 383 00:18:33,208 --> 00:18:36,458 I was hoping the secret ingredient would be popcorn shrimps. 384 00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:38,750 I liked smacking your butt earlier. 385 00:18:40,083 --> 00:18:43,750 Are the balls different from the cubes? God, what do I do? 386 00:18:43,875 --> 00:18:46,000 Joe, check if we have shallots! Okay. 387 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,583 I can't see anything on the counter, but I'll do my best. 388 00:18:50,583 --> 00:18:52,041 Monster brains! 389 00:18:52,250 --> 00:18:54,375 Looks like Chef Griffin is preparing 390 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:56,666 a delicious five-course butter feast. 391 00:18:56,958 --> 00:18:58,958 Son of a bitch, I never cook with butter. 392 00:18:59,041 --> 00:19:00,833 Joe, grab my recipe book and find a dish 393 00:19:00,916 --> 00:19:02,676 where I can substitute olive oil with butter. 394 00:19:04,791 --> 00:19:05,875 Joe, come on, hurry! 395 00:19:05,958 --> 00:19:08,666 I told you I'm not a strong reader! 396 00:19:12,791 --> 00:19:14,083 Damn it, Joe, pull it together! 397 00:19:14,208 --> 00:19:17,333 Hey, Quagmire. FYI, I got to take off in, like, 10 minutes. 398 00:19:17,458 --> 00:19:18,875 I got a clarinet lesson. 399 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:20,291 What? 400 00:19:20,375 --> 00:19:21,791 I can't do this. 401 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:29,833 Look at Quagmire. This was his dream. 402 00:19:29,958 --> 00:19:32,583 Time's almost up, Peter. We're gonna win! 403 00:19:34,750 --> 00:19:36,500 No, we're not. 404 00:19:40,791 --> 00:19:42,791 And in a stunning turn of events, 405 00:19:42,916 --> 00:19:44,833 Chef Griffin is eating his entire meal. 406 00:19:44,916 --> 00:19:46,083 He'll have nothing to serve. 407 00:19:52,541 --> 00:19:53,541 Well, that's it. 408 00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:56,125 If Chef Quagmire has prepared a dish of any kind, 409 00:19:56,208 --> 00:19:57,708 he wins this competition. 410 00:19:57,833 --> 00:19:59,541 Let's see what he has. 411 00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:03,458 A warm packet of tartar sauce brought in from somewhere else. 412 00:20:03,541 --> 00:20:06,208 "When are you gonna use that?" Bonnie said. 413 00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:08,250 We have a winner! 414 00:20:11,666 --> 00:20:14,166 Peter, you threw the cook-off for me? 415 00:20:14,291 --> 00:20:16,416 I couldn't take your dream away... Heart attack! 416 00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:17,625 ...from you, buddy. 417 00:20:17,708 --> 00:20:19,517 You're the... Mini stroke! ...one with the real... 418 00:20:19,541 --> 00:20:21,083 Heart attack! ...Talent. 419 00:20:21,166 --> 00:20:22,767 You... Heart attack! ...deserve the show... 420 00:20:22,791 --> 00:20:24,541 Regular stroke! ...not me. 421 00:20:25,041 --> 00:20:29,458 You're a good friend, Peter. But I don't want a show, either. 422 00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,833 You don't? Of course not. 423 00:20:32,041 --> 00:20:33,708 Look what the show did to us. 424 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,291 It destroyed the most important friendship I have. 425 00:20:36,375 --> 00:20:37,375 Thanks. 426 00:20:37,458 --> 00:20:39,458 You know what? Let's end this for good. 427 00:20:39,583 --> 00:20:40,583 How? 428 00:20:40,666 --> 00:20:43,750 The same way Paula Deen got her cooking show taken off the air. 429 00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:46,708 By saying the one word you can't come back from. 430 00:20:46,833 --> 00:20:50,250 What? Say the word? Right now? 431 00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:52,041 Yeah. Together. 432 00:20:53,708 --> 00:20:55,708 Ready? You bet. 433 00:20:58,041 --> 00:21:00,625 You could have just quit the show.