00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:02,195 --> 00:00:04,527 [Cheery instrumental music] 2 00:00:07,166 --> 00:00:10,135 Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket. 3 00:00:10,236 --> 00:00:12,466 - Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? - No, Dad. 4 00:00:12,572 --> 00:00:14,472 He's lying. There's no doubt about that. 5 00:00:14,574 --> 00:00:17,941 Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snakepit. 6 00:00:18,044 --> 00:00:20,274 That'll give you time to think about what you did. 7 00:00:20,379 --> 00:00:21,573 Man! 8 00:00:22,281 --> 00:00:23,248 That'll teach him. 9 00:00:23,349 --> 00:00:26,079 Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the fire chamber... 10 00:00:26,185 --> 00:00:27,846 ...for tattling on your brother. 11 00:00:29,288 --> 00:00:32,553 Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? 12 00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,819 - They live in a crummy neighborhood. - The Bradys? 13 00:00:34,927 --> 00:00:38,158 Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. 14 00:00:38,264 --> 00:00:39,731 You folks want some pancakes? 15 00:00:39,832 --> 00:00:43,268 PETER: No, thanks. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses. 16 00:00:44,003 --> 00:00:46,995 LOIS: [Singing] "It seems today that all you see 17 00:00:47,340 --> 00:00:50,571 "is violence in movies and sex on TV 18 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:54,077 "But where are those good, old-fashioned values 19 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,740 "on which we used to rely? 20 00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:00,485 "Lucky there's a family guy 21 00:01:00,586 --> 00:01:03,714 "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you 22 00:01:03,823 --> 00:01:05,552 "all the things that make us 23 00:01:05,658 --> 00:01:07,148 "laugh 'n' cry 24 00:01:07,260 --> 00:01:11,924 "He's a family guy" 25 00:01:13,966 --> 00:01:16,093 [Cheery instrumental music] 26 00:01:17,603 --> 00:01:20,834 MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? 27 00:01:20,940 --> 00:01:23,408 Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. 28 00:01:23,509 --> 00:01:26,910 You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. 29 00:01:28,981 --> 00:01:30,539 [Polka music playing in gym] 30 00:01:31,784 --> 00:01:33,479 [Man and women laughing] 31 00:01:35,087 --> 00:01:36,054 [Growling] 32 00:01:36,422 --> 00:01:39,414 Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion! 33 00:01:39,525 --> 00:01:41,823 LOIS: Stewie, I said no toys at the table. 34 00:01:41,928 --> 00:01:43,122 Damn you, vile woman! 35 00:01:43,229 --> 00:01:46,596 You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. 36 00:01:46,699 --> 00:01:49,759 Don't pout, honey. When you were born... 37 00:01:49,869 --> 00:01:53,430 ...the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen. 38 00:01:53,539 --> 00:01:57,635 But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans... 39 00:01:57,743 --> 00:02:01,941 ...to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman! 40 00:02:02,048 --> 00:02:03,572 No toys, Stewie. 41 00:02:03,683 --> 00:02:04,650 Very well, then. 42 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:08,686 Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come! 43 00:02:08,788 --> 00:02:10,653 [Suspenseful instrumental music] 44 00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:12,121 Mom, can I turn the heat up? 45 00:02:12,224 --> 00:02:15,284 Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset. 46 00:02:15,394 --> 00:02:17,385 Come on. This thing goes up to 90. 47 00:02:17,496 --> 00:02:18,428 Who touched the thermostat? 48 00:02:18,531 --> 00:02:20,089 God, how does he always know? 49 00:02:20,199 --> 00:02:22,394 Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. 50 00:02:22,501 --> 00:02:24,401 Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. 51 00:02:24,503 --> 00:02:26,471 GUY: My thing went off! Your thermostat okay? 52 00:02:26,572 --> 00:02:28,472 - Yeah, it's all right. - Is my kid over here? 53 00:02:28,574 --> 00:02:29,632 Forget it! False alarm! 54 00:02:30,309 --> 00:02:31,970 BRIAN: Ass ahoy. 55 00:02:32,078 --> 00:02:35,570 Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? 56 00:02:35,681 --> 00:02:37,239 He's going to a stag party. 57 00:02:37,350 --> 00:02:40,012 Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. 58 00:02:40,119 --> 00:02:41,347 I am the man of the house. 59 00:02:41,454 --> 00:02:44,651 As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party. 60 00:02:44,757 --> 00:02:48,386 Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble. 61 00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:50,523 Come on. You're worrying about nothing. 62 00:02:50,696 --> 00:02:54,359 Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? 63 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,769 And so the Lord God smote poor Job... 64 00:02:57,903 --> 00:03:00,235 ...with festering boils all over his body. 65 00:03:00,339 --> 00:03:02,500 Man, I hate it when he tells this story. 66 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:06,805 PRIEST: Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity. 67 00:03:06,912 --> 00:03:10,245 - Is that really the blood of Christ? - Yes. 68 00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:13,475 Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day. 69 00:03:14,153 --> 00:03:16,849 And then there was that time at the ice cream store. 70 00:03:17,289 --> 00:03:19,587 Butter Rum's my favorite. 71 00:03:21,694 --> 00:03:24,925 Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? 72 00:03:25,031 --> 00:03:26,896 [Audience crying] 73 00:03:30,736 --> 00:03:34,297 I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. 74 00:03:34,540 --> 00:03:37,475 Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. 75 00:03:37,576 --> 00:03:38,838 I have AIDS. 76 00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:42,977 - Promise me, Peter. - Lois, honey, I promise. 77 00:03:43,082 --> 00:03:45,915 Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. 78 00:03:46,018 --> 00:03:47,918 Who wants to play Drink The Beer? 79 00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:49,419 Right here. 80 00:03:49,522 --> 00:03:51,114 - You win. - All right. What do I win? 81 00:03:51,223 --> 00:03:52,281 Another beer! 82 00:03:52,391 --> 00:03:53,949 I'm going for the high score! 83 00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:56,290 Actually, Charlie's got the high score. 84 00:03:56,395 --> 00:03:58,260 Man. Your clock won't flush. 85 00:03:59,365 --> 00:04:02,357 I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. 86 00:04:02,468 --> 00:04:05,369 - Don't feel bad, Peter. - Gee. I never thought of it like that. 87 00:04:05,604 --> 00:04:06,832 Did you bring the porno? 88 00:04:06,939 --> 00:04:10,568 Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it. It's a classic. 89 00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,110 Listen, Ilsa. If I take this thing out... 90 00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:16,204 ...and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Not today or tomorrow. 91 00:04:16,315 --> 00:04:18,283 RICK: But soon, and for the rest of your life. 92 00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:20,045 Come on, llsa! Get on it! 93 00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:22,449 [Funky music on TV] 94 00:04:23,322 --> 00:04:25,517 NARRATOR: The statue was a gift from France. 95 00:04:25,624 --> 00:04:26,784 What is this? 96 00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:29,690 Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. 97 00:04:29,795 --> 00:04:30,853 [Groans] 98 00:04:30,963 --> 00:04:33,488 The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? 99 00:04:33,599 --> 00:04:37,933 - Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. - That's just crazy enough to work. 100 00:04:43,642 --> 00:04:45,269 Meg, finish your pancakes. 101 00:04:45,377 --> 00:04:48,107 - Chris, elbows off your father. - Thanks, son. 102 00:04:48,214 --> 00:04:51,980 37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter. 103 00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:55,212 Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. 104 00:04:55,321 --> 00:04:57,312 Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that. 105 00:04:57,423 --> 00:04:59,983 Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty... 106 00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:01,491 ...would take her clothes off. 107 00:05:01,594 --> 00:05:05,086 - What did you promise me last night? - I wouldn't drink at the stag party. 108 00:05:05,197 --> 00:05:08,064 - And what did you do? - Drank at the stag... 109 00:05:08,167 --> 00:05:11,227 I almost walked right into that one. God! 110 00:05:11,337 --> 00:05:14,397 Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head. 111 00:05:14,507 --> 00:05:15,872 [Machines whirring] 112 00:05:18,878 --> 00:05:21,745 Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls? 113 00:05:21,847 --> 00:05:24,816 That's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work. 114 00:05:24,917 --> 00:05:25,884 Okay. 115 00:05:26,619 --> 00:05:30,680 You see? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... 116 00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,654 MEG: Mom, are you all right? 117 00:05:32,758 --> 00:05:36,455 LOIS: My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? 118 00:05:36,562 --> 00:05:38,553 I could've broken my neck. 119 00:05:38,731 --> 00:05:39,789 Damn! 120 00:05:39,899 --> 00:05:41,298 [Suspenseful instrumental music] 121 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,834 Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table... 122 00:05:43,936 --> 00:05:46,234 ...so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened. 123 00:05:46,338 --> 00:05:48,169 I guess you're right. 124 00:05:48,274 --> 00:05:50,936 Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. 125 00:05:51,043 --> 00:05:52,806 Somebody's gotta put food on this table. 126 00:05:56,482 --> 00:05:57,813 How are you coming, Johnson? 127 00:05:57,917 --> 00:06:00,249 Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. 128 00:06:00,352 --> 00:06:02,513 And as you can see, they look great. 129 00:06:02,621 --> 00:06:03,645 You call these bagels? 130 00:06:03,756 --> 00:06:06,054 I'm glad he's on our side! 131 00:06:06,792 --> 00:06:08,089 [Snoring] 132 00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:09,552 MR. WEED: Peter! PETER: What? 133 00:06:09,662 --> 00:06:10,856 Are you sleeping on the job? 134 00:06:10,963 --> 00:06:14,126 No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him. 135 00:06:14,233 --> 00:06:18,067 Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. 136 00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:21,298 It's your job to watch for toys that could be hazardous to kids. 137 00:06:21,407 --> 00:06:23,637 - Now, look sharp! - Yes, sir! 138 00:06:25,244 --> 00:06:26,370 [Snoring] 139 00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:32,908 [Foreboding instrumental music] 140 00:06:35,487 --> 00:06:40,151 And now back to Action News 5. Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack." 141 00:06:40,259 --> 00:06:41,886 Quite a situation we've got here, Tom. 142 00:06:41,994 --> 00:06:44,360 Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane. 143 00:06:44,463 --> 00:06:47,364 The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of Quahog, Rhode Island... 144 00:06:47,466 --> 00:06:50,526 ...has released highly unsafe products into the retail market. 145 00:06:50,903 --> 00:06:52,996 Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! 146 00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,898 Boy! A Pound Poochie! 147 00:06:58,110 --> 00:07:00,601 Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. 148 00:07:03,282 --> 00:07:04,374 Peter, I'm appalled. 149 00:07:04,483 --> 00:07:07,316 Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. 150 00:07:07,419 --> 00:07:08,408 You're fired! 151 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:09,714 Jeez. For how long? 152 00:07:09,855 --> 00:07:11,584 [Sad instrumental music] 153 00:07:12,291 --> 00:07:13,781 My God! You got fired? 154 00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:17,521 - Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! - How do you know about the machine? 155 00:07:17,630 --> 00:07:20,360 PETER: Don't worry. I'll still put food on this table. 156 00:07:20,466 --> 00:07:23,026 Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. 157 00:07:23,135 --> 00:07:27,663 Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! 158 00:07:27,806 --> 00:07:30,172 BRIAN: Can we put her out in the yard for a while? 159 00:07:30,276 --> 00:07:32,267 LOIS: Okay, who's hungry? 160 00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:35,077 Jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? 161 00:07:35,180 --> 00:07:38,707 If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame me! 162 00:07:38,817 --> 00:07:42,275 DEVIL: Lie to her. It's okay to lie to women. They're not people like us. 163 00:07:42,388 --> 00:07:44,879 I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy? 164 00:07:44,990 --> 00:07:46,014 [Cars honking] 165 00:07:46,125 --> 00:07:48,753 Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work. 166 00:07:48,861 --> 00:07:49,987 This is perfect! 167 00:07:50,562 --> 00:07:52,792 Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? 168 00:07:52,898 --> 00:07:55,298 When she worries, she says, "I told you so" and: 169 00:07:55,401 --> 00:07:59,303 "Stop doing that. I'm asleep." So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay? 170 00:07:59,405 --> 00:08:01,737 Not a word to your mom about me getting canned. 171 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,239 LOIS: What's that, Peter? 172 00:08:03,342 --> 00:08:06,334 - Nothing. The lost-my-job smells great. - What? 173 00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:09,437 Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence? 174 00:08:09,548 --> 00:08:11,209 LOIS: Peter, are you feeling okay? 175 00:08:11,317 --> 00:08:13,979 I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world. 176 00:08:14,086 --> 00:08:15,713 All right, then let's eat. 177 00:08:15,821 --> 00:08:18,517 I know you all hate eggplant, but... 178 00:08:19,658 --> 00:08:21,523 What on earth was that? 179 00:08:23,996 --> 00:08:26,692 What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish... 180 00:08:27,099 --> 00:08:28,191 ...and nothing else. 181 00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,528 [Suspenseful instrumental music] 182 00:08:32,638 --> 00:08:34,071 How's your job search going? 183 00:08:34,173 --> 00:08:37,438 It sucks, Brian. I've already been through two jobs this week. 184 00:08:37,543 --> 00:08:39,067 I got fired off of that commercial. 185 00:08:39,178 --> 00:08:41,840 DIRECTOR: Try it again. PETER: "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs." 186 00:08:41,947 --> 00:08:43,676 DIRECTOR: No, damn it! Take 26! 187 00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:47,550 Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. 188 00:08:50,222 --> 00:08:51,382 Take it outside, lady. 189 00:08:51,724 --> 00:08:53,817 I thought I could win money in that talent show. 190 00:08:54,193 --> 00:08:57,629 EMCEE: And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! 191 00:08:57,930 --> 00:08:59,022 That is bull... 192 00:08:59,131 --> 00:09:01,099 [Loud applause] 193 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,365 Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent... 194 00:09:03,469 --> 00:09:05,699 ...but you might want to tell Lois the truth. 195 00:09:05,804 --> 00:09:08,932 What? That I can't provide for my family? That she's always right? 196 00:09:09,041 --> 00:09:11,475 That I didn't stand up to a tank in Tiananmen Square? 197 00:09:16,048 --> 00:09:18,949 Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks! 198 00:09:19,485 --> 00:09:21,783 You can't keep lying to her about losing your job. 199 00:09:21,887 --> 00:09:24,515 Eventually, she'll find out where you're going every day. 200 00:09:24,623 --> 00:09:25,555 Yeah. 201 00:09:25,657 --> 00:09:28,490 [Bells and music on TV] 202 00:09:28,794 --> 00:09:31,354 Yeah, you're right. Okay, I'll tell her tonight. 203 00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:32,519 [Crickets chirping] 204 00:09:32,631 --> 00:09:34,861 [Suspenseful instrumental music] 205 00:09:40,072 --> 00:09:42,165 [Mellow instrumental music] 206 00:09:48,147 --> 00:09:49,637 Victory is mine! 207 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,982 LOIS: I'll need the checkbook in the morning. 208 00:09:52,084 --> 00:09:54,109 I'm going to Stop 'N Shop for some sweet corn. 209 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:55,880 You're spending money on food again? 210 00:09:55,988 --> 00:09:57,615 Lois, we just had dinner. 211 00:09:57,723 --> 00:10:01,853 I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow. 212 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,554 Since when are you so concerned about our food budget? 213 00:10:04,663 --> 00:10:05,857 I just... 214 00:10:05,964 --> 00:10:09,127 Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but... 215 00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,031 What is it, Peter? 216 00:10:12,171 --> 00:10:14,298 - You're getting kind of fat. - What? 217 00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,670 It's just... It's not healthy. 218 00:10:16,775 --> 00:10:20,074 Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week. 219 00:10:20,179 --> 00:10:22,044 When was the last time you saw your toes? 220 00:10:22,147 --> 00:10:24,638 I thought you people were supposed to be jolly. 221 00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:27,048 Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? 222 00:10:27,152 --> 00:10:30,246 Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me. 223 00:10:30,389 --> 00:10:34,257 - Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? - Thank God you're here. What do I do? 224 00:10:34,359 --> 00:10:36,589 Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. 225 00:10:36,695 --> 00:10:38,287 I don't know. 226 00:10:38,630 --> 00:10:39,756 Where's the other guy? 227 00:10:39,865 --> 00:10:40,957 [Cars honking] 228 00:10:41,066 --> 00:10:42,590 This is unbelievable! 229 00:10:43,635 --> 00:10:46,900 I promise you, everything's fine. You got nothing to worry about. 230 00:10:47,005 --> 00:10:50,168 STEWIE: Well, well, Mother! We meet again! 231 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:52,800 Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago. 232 00:10:52,911 --> 00:10:56,039 Not tightly enough it would seem. And now you contemptible harpy... 233 00:10:56,148 --> 00:10:58,616 ...I shall end your reign of matriarchal tyranny. 234 00:10:58,717 --> 00:11:00,651 LOIS: You can play tomorrow, honey. 235 00:11:00,752 --> 00:11:02,242 Right now it's bedtime. 236 00:11:02,921 --> 00:11:05,321 Blast you and your estrogenical treachery! 237 00:11:05,424 --> 00:11:06,721 PETER: Sweet dreams, kiddo. 238 00:11:06,825 --> 00:11:08,190 You have the power to end this! 239 00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:12,661 How'd she take it? 240 00:11:12,764 --> 00:11:14,629 I told her she was fat. 241 00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:15,995 No. 242 00:11:16,702 --> 00:11:18,499 I hate lying to Lois. It's just... 243 00:11:18,604 --> 00:11:20,697 It's the best way to keep her from the truth. 244 00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:23,274 You have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon. 245 00:11:23,375 --> 00:11:26,811 She'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house. 246 00:11:26,912 --> 00:11:29,142 You really oughta think of your family's welfare. 247 00:11:29,248 --> 00:11:30,715 Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea! 248 00:11:32,918 --> 00:11:37,116 Okay, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies? 249 00:11:37,890 --> 00:11:40,518 I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. 250 00:11:42,694 --> 00:11:43,752 [Breaks wind] 251 00:11:45,030 --> 00:11:46,895 What the hell was that? 252 00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:51,800 PETER: Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare. 253 00:11:51,904 --> 00:11:54,338 Come on, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn. 254 00:11:54,439 --> 00:11:55,599 How much are we getting? 255 00:11:55,707 --> 00:11:57,971 Let's see. $150 a week. 256 00:11:58,477 --> 00:12:00,206 Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal. 257 00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:02,104 [Uplifting instrumental music] 258 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:03,336 Whoops. 259 00:12:03,715 --> 00:12:05,979 No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon. 260 00:12:06,084 --> 00:12:07,676 I was giving a piano lesson. 261 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,750 Stewie, why don't you play in the other room? 262 00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:12,187 Why don't you burn in hell? 263 00:12:12,991 --> 00:12:14,652 No dessert for you, young man. 264 00:12:15,227 --> 00:12:17,695 Who would've thought getting drunk would get me... 265 00:12:17,796 --> 00:12:20,663 ...$150,000 a week from the government? 266 00:12:20,799 --> 00:12:22,061 This is why I don't vote. 267 00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:24,431 Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. 268 00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:27,964 Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you... 269 00:12:28,073 --> 00:12:29,768 ...during these impeachment proceedings? 270 00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,342 Probably because you're so fat. 271 00:12:33,278 --> 00:12:35,075 Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission. 272 00:12:35,180 --> 00:12:37,080 That check is obviously an oversight. 273 00:12:37,182 --> 00:12:40,709 Not necessarily. Maybe I'm like their one millionth customer. 274 00:12:40,819 --> 00:12:42,878 BRIAN: What? You're gonna spend $150,000 a week? 275 00:12:42,988 --> 00:12:45,047 - Yeah. - On what? 276 00:12:45,624 --> 00:12:49,924 LOIS: Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David? 277 00:12:50,028 --> 00:12:52,519 No. I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked. 278 00:12:52,631 --> 00:12:55,259 The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car. 279 00:12:58,337 --> 00:13:00,134 I shall call you "Eduardo." 280 00:13:00,439 --> 00:13:02,134 Peter, how can we afford this? 281 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,208 You won't believe it, Mom! Dad's getting... 282 00:13:04,309 --> 00:13:05,401 A big raise! 283 00:13:05,510 --> 00:13:07,171 Peter, that's wonderful! 284 00:13:07,279 --> 00:13:08,268 But, Dad, I thought... 285 00:13:08,380 --> 00:13:11,611 The kind of raise that'll allow me to give my kids a big allowance... 286 00:13:11,717 --> 00:13:14,242 ...just for keeping their big mouths shut. Come on, guys. 287 00:13:14,353 --> 00:13:16,787 I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had. 288 00:13:17,889 --> 00:13:20,915 Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please. 289 00:13:21,026 --> 00:13:21,993 CLERK: I beg your pardon? 290 00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:24,085 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. 291 00:13:24,196 --> 00:13:25,993 And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please. 292 00:13:27,899 --> 00:13:29,696 Peter, what's the big surprise? 293 00:13:29,801 --> 00:13:32,770 You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? 294 00:13:32,871 --> 00:13:34,771 I got you your own jester. 295 00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,670 JESTER: Good to be here in New England. 296 00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:39,835 And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? 297 00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:44,245 It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new. 298 00:13:48,887 --> 00:13:49,854 This is great. 299 00:13:49,955 --> 00:13:53,584 I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of. 300 00:13:53,692 --> 00:13:55,421 MEG: Thank you, Daddy! 301 00:13:55,527 --> 00:13:56,494 [Kisses Peter] 302 00:13:56,895 --> 00:13:58,658 I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing. 303 00:13:58,764 --> 00:14:01,528 But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris? 304 00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:02,759 It makes him happy. 305 00:14:02,868 --> 00:14:04,597 These are cool. 306 00:14:08,206 --> 00:14:09,696 MAILWOMAN: When did you get a pool? 307 00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:11,207 It's a moat. 308 00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:12,298 I know it's silly... 309 00:14:12,411 --> 00:14:15,847 ...but my husband thinks our family needs extra protection now that... 310 00:14:15,947 --> 00:14:17,312 ...we're rich. 311 00:14:17,416 --> 00:14:18,440 Does it work? 312 00:14:18,550 --> 00:14:21,144 It does keep the Black Knight at bay. 313 00:14:22,354 --> 00:14:23,446 [Horse sputtering] 314 00:14:25,390 --> 00:14:29,156 Congratulations in all your success. Here's your welfare check. 315 00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:30,628 What the... 316 00:14:30,729 --> 00:14:31,696 [Foghorn blowing] 317 00:14:35,467 --> 00:14:36,832 Hi, honey. 318 00:14:38,804 --> 00:14:39,828 What? 319 00:14:39,938 --> 00:14:43,738 PETER: I know what I did was wrong. But I only did it for you and the kids. 320 00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:46,709 Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was for Peter. 321 00:14:46,812 --> 00:14:50,976 Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can't see straight. 322 00:14:51,083 --> 00:14:53,074 No problem. We got money to get that fixed... 323 00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:57,588 ...with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. 324 00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:58,815 Just like the Kennedys. 325 00:14:58,924 --> 00:15:01,518 LOIS: I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. 326 00:15:01,626 --> 00:15:04,459 The man I married would never think he could fix a problem... 327 00:15:04,563 --> 00:15:06,087 ...just by spending money! 328 00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:08,923 Boy, she's pretty pissed. 329 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:11,366 Who thought fraud would be one of her buttons? 330 00:15:11,470 --> 00:15:14,803 Why have a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at you? 331 00:15:14,906 --> 00:15:17,670 Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers. 332 00:15:17,776 --> 00:15:19,971 But I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it. 333 00:15:20,078 --> 00:15:21,909 I need an event with thousands of people. 334 00:15:22,013 --> 00:15:24,038 Something that everybody cares about. 335 00:15:25,484 --> 00:15:27,418 We might have to leave Rhode Island for this. 336 00:15:27,986 --> 00:15:31,888 ANNOUNCER: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight! 337 00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:34,925 Pat, it's safe to say that all these fans came out here... 338 00:15:35,026 --> 00:15:37,017 ...to watch a game of football! 339 00:15:37,129 --> 00:15:39,120 John, we're in commercial. 340 00:15:39,231 --> 00:15:42,928 Yeah, I know. I'm just making conversation. Come on. 341 00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,062 Football! 342 00:15:47,506 --> 00:15:51,101 Amazing. You can barely drive a car. Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? 343 00:15:51,209 --> 00:15:53,871 Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. 344 00:15:53,979 --> 00:15:55,742 Boy, I hope Lois is watching. 345 00:15:55,847 --> 00:15:58,008 Okay, taxpayers, here you go! 346 00:15:59,851 --> 00:16:02,513 PAT: Looks like we're getting some rain here tonight, John. 347 00:16:02,621 --> 00:16:06,079 Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! 348 00:16:06,391 --> 00:16:08,484 It's some kind of crazy money rain! 349 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:11,994 I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp. 350 00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:15,863 Man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these. 351 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,570 [People cheering] 352 00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:23,900 JOHN: The crowd is storming the field! This is pandemonium! 353 00:16:24,009 --> 00:16:26,603 Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? 354 00:16:27,746 --> 00:16:31,807 Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old "trying to make amends... 355 00:16:31,917 --> 00:16:35,717 "...for spending $150,000 a week in misappropriated welfare funds" play. 356 00:16:35,821 --> 00:16:40,554 I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football! 357 00:16:40,692 --> 00:16:42,956 - Madden to Fox Security. - Go ahead. 358 00:16:43,061 --> 00:16:44,858 JOHN: Take them down! GUARD: Yes, sir. 359 00:16:54,039 --> 00:16:55,131 How was your shower? 360 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,141 I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true. 361 00:16:58,243 --> 00:16:59,232 Really? 362 00:16:59,344 --> 00:17:01,539 You can't hold onto that thing to save your life. 363 00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,910 It was slipping everywhere. Guys were laughing. 364 00:17:04,015 --> 00:17:06,176 GUY: There's the guy that couldn't hold the soap. 365 00:17:06,284 --> 00:17:07,911 That was classic. 366 00:17:08,553 --> 00:17:10,919 Boy. I really let Lois down this time. 367 00:17:11,022 --> 00:17:12,319 Do you think she'll wait for me? 368 00:17:12,424 --> 00:17:13,982 If every woman dumped her husband... 369 00:17:14,092 --> 00:17:16,788 ...for crashing a blimp, no one would be married. 370 00:17:16,895 --> 00:17:19,295 Yeah, you're right. Okay, I got the top bunk. 371 00:17:22,267 --> 00:17:24,792 My collagen is wearing off. 372 00:17:24,903 --> 00:17:27,303 Honey, sagging lips are just nature's way... 373 00:17:27,405 --> 00:17:30,397 ...of telling you you shouldn't cover for your father's lie. 374 00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:33,705 What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears? 375 00:17:33,812 --> 00:17:35,871 It means you're becoming a man. 376 00:17:35,981 --> 00:17:39,712 But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call... 377 00:17:39,818 --> 00:17:42,343 ...like your father who shall remain nameless. 378 00:17:42,454 --> 00:17:45,287 STEWIE: Hello, Mother. LOIS: Hi there, sweetie. 379 00:17:45,390 --> 00:17:47,950 You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. 380 00:17:48,059 --> 00:17:50,323 You never know what you're going to get. 381 00:17:50,428 --> 00:17:53,090 Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades! 382 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:54,597 [Dramatic instrumental music] 383 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:57,668 STEWIE: Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. 384 00:17:57,769 --> 00:18:00,829 Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. 385 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,404 You just want your toy back. 386 00:18:04,509 --> 00:18:06,204 Okay, here you go, honey. 387 00:18:07,078 --> 00:18:09,273 Yes... Well, victory is mine! 388 00:18:12,317 --> 00:18:13,306 [Explosion] 389 00:18:13,418 --> 00:18:14,612 STEWIE: Damn you all! 390 00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:15,153 [Phone ringing] 391 00:18:15,153 --> 00:18:15,676 [Phone ringing] 392 00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:17,447 Hello? 393 00:18:18,256 --> 00:18:19,621 Oh, my God! 394 00:18:25,196 --> 00:18:27,096 Lois, am I glad to see you. 395 00:18:27,198 --> 00:18:29,063 I have nothing to say to you, Peter. 396 00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:31,294 I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed? 397 00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:34,804 Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. 398 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:37,204 Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter. 399 00:18:37,309 --> 00:18:40,278 Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way. 400 00:18:41,413 --> 00:18:43,108 This court will come to order. 401 00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:46,383 I figured the sooner I cashed the check... 402 00:18:46,484 --> 00:18:49,248 ...the sooner they'd catch their mistake. 403 00:18:49,621 --> 00:18:51,521 Why are we making a federal case out of this? 404 00:18:51,623 --> 00:18:54,148 Don't you think you should have alerted the government... 405 00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,556 ...of such a gross overpayment? 406 00:18:55,660 --> 00:18:58,925 I was gonna call them. But my favorite episode... 407 00:18:59,030 --> 00:19:02,056 ...of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley... 408 00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:04,499 ...get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? 409 00:19:04,970 --> 00:19:07,803 All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. 410 00:19:08,173 --> 00:19:10,607 And everybody learns a valuable lesson. 411 00:19:10,709 --> 00:19:12,404 Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? 412 00:19:12,510 --> 00:19:15,035 Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop. 413 00:19:15,146 --> 00:19:16,272 [People murmuring] 414 00:19:17,182 --> 00:19:20,743 Okay, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... 415 00:19:20,852 --> 00:19:22,376 I don't know. I saw the one chance... 416 00:19:22,487 --> 00:19:25,684 ...l'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. 417 00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:28,020 I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. 418 00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:30,617 And worst of all, I lied to my wife. 419 00:19:31,029 --> 00:19:32,656 And she deserves better. 420 00:19:32,764 --> 00:19:34,197 I'm sorry, honey. 421 00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:37,234 Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. 422 00:19:37,335 --> 00:19:39,462 I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison. 423 00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:40,793 No! 424 00:19:40,905 --> 00:19:41,963 - No! - No! 425 00:19:42,073 --> 00:19:42,971 No! 426 00:19:43,074 --> 00:19:44,041 Yeah! 427 00:19:44,142 --> 00:19:45,166 [Rock music] 428 00:19:45,276 --> 00:19:46,368 [Rock music stops abruptly] 429 00:19:50,715 --> 00:19:52,910 LOIS: Excuse me, Your Honor? JUDGE: Yes? 430 00:19:53,018 --> 00:19:56,351 Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. 431 00:19:56,454 --> 00:19:59,946 He may even be downright stupid. 432 00:20:00,058 --> 00:20:02,390 But I know he only accepted that money... 433 00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:05,395 ...because he wanted to be a good husband and father. 434 00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:08,558 But what he needs to remember is that we love him. 435 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:11,567 And no matter what, I'll always stand by him. 436 00:20:11,669 --> 00:20:13,500 I love you too, honey. 437 00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:17,573 That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Okay, you can go to jail with him! 438 00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:18,642 What? 439 00:20:18,743 --> 00:20:22,770 24 months in prison? Unacceptable! Intolerable as it may be... 440 00:20:22,881 --> 00:20:26,180 ...l'm completely dependent upon those wretched drones for sustenance. 441 00:20:26,284 --> 00:20:29,344 Let us see how the constitution of American justice fares... 442 00:20:29,454 --> 00:20:31,285 ...against the device! 443 00:20:31,389 --> 00:20:33,323 [Device pulsates] 444 00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:42,294 Is that your boy? 445 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,231 What? Yeah. That's Stewie. 446 00:20:44,335 --> 00:20:49,170 Gosh. I can't separate a kid that young from his father. It's unjudgmenly. 447 00:20:49,274 --> 00:20:51,401 - Hell, you've learned your lesson, right? - Yeah. 448 00:20:51,509 --> 00:20:54,569 - All right. You're free. - Wow! Can you give me my job back? 449 00:20:54,679 --> 00:20:55,668 No. 450 00:20:56,314 --> 00:20:58,077 - Yes. - All right! 451 00:20:58,216 --> 00:20:59,683 [Cheery instrumental music] 452 00:21:00,418 --> 00:21:01,817 [Man laughing on TV] 453 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,078 ED: That was a crazy one, Dick. 454 00:21:04,189 --> 00:21:07,352 DICK: It sure was. In this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi... 455 00:21:07,459 --> 00:21:09,757 ...watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say: 456 00:21:09,861 --> 00:21:11,954 "She sells seashells down by the seashore." 457 00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:13,462 What does your mom do? 458 00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:15,055 She sells seashells down by the... 459 00:21:17,035 --> 00:21:18,559 That is kind of a tongue twister. 460 00:21:18,670 --> 00:21:20,729 It's good to have you home, Peter. 461 00:21:20,839 --> 00:21:23,137 Honey, I knew everything would turn out okay. 462 00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:24,674 I sure am gonna miss being rich. 463 00:21:24,776 --> 00:21:26,744 PETER: Don't worry. I got a way to get money. 464 00:21:26,845 --> 00:21:28,369 Not another welfare scam? 465 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,641 No. Minority scholarship. 466 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:31,772 [Giggles] 467 00:21:32,383 --> 00:21:34,510 [Jazzy instrumental music] 468 00:21:37,789 --> 00:21:40,019 LOIS AND BRIAN: No. STEWIE: Are you insane? 469 00:21:40,125 --> 00:21:42,889 Okay, I mean sexual harassment suit. 470 00:21:42,994 --> 00:21:43,961 [Giggles] 471 00:21:44,062 --> 00:21:45,324 BRIAN: No. LOIS: Don't think so. 472 00:21:45,430 --> 00:21:46,658 STEWIE: Absolutely outrageous. 473 00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,197 Okay, disability claim. 474 00:21:54,472 --> 00:21:56,531 [Theme music]