1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,837 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,969 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,847 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,200 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,201 --> 00:00:21,606 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,607 --> 00:00:23,189 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,024 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,155 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,241 ("JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING) 11 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:36,245 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 12 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:42,544 ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪ 13 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:48,212 Aw, this is one of those weird third-verse-nobody-knows songs. 14 00:00:48,213 --> 00:00:50,317 ♪ Winter killed our child ♪ 15 00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,093 ♪ Medicine was rare ♪ 16 00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,220 ♪ He ran outside in his bare feet ♪ 17 00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,469 ♪ And then he died right there ♪ 18 00:00:56,470 --> 00:00:59,055 Glad that's over. Oh, God, there's four. 19 00:00:59,056 --> 00:01:00,851 ♪ Please don't free the slaves ♪ 20 00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:03,104 ♪ It's a bad idea ♪ 21 00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,273 ♪ They'll try to get back at us ♪ 22 00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:07,693 ♪ And that'si our biggest fear, oh... ♪ 23 00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:12,363 And now, Adam West High School Choir's 24 00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:15,393 original Christmas song, "Die Hard." 25 00:01:15,394 --> 00:01:16,532 I see those looks. 26 00:01:16,533 --> 00:01:19,036 Yes, the movie was originally released in summer, 27 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:21,622 but it took place on Christmas Eve, 28 00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:23,289 which makes it a Christmas film. 29 00:01:23,290 --> 00:01:26,419 I guess we don't need this for anything. 30 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,878 ♪ ♪ 31 00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:31,716 (TO TUNE OF "SILENT NIGHT"): ♪ Die Hard ♪ 32 00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:35,428 ♪ Die Hard ♪ 33 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:39,033 ♪ John McClane ♪ 34 00:01:39,034 --> 00:01:42,393 ♪ And his wife ♪ 35 00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:48,393 ♪ Yippee-ky-yay, (BLEEP) ♪ 36 00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:55,892 ♪ Yippee-ky-yay, (BLEEP) ♪ 37 00:02:02,203 --> 00:02:03,998 Chris and Meg alert. 38 00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:06,834 Oh. We have to go, uh, call our congressman. 39 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:08,919 - What are they...? - Hey, Mr. Quagmire. 40 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,368 Getting ready for the birth of Christ? 41 00:02:11,369 --> 00:02:13,120 Which happened! 42 00:02:13,121 --> 00:02:14,685 - Chris. Megan. - (MEG BURPS) 43 00:02:14,686 --> 00:02:16,761 - Gross. - So, how did you like the show? 44 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:18,179 I-I didn't love it. 45 00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:19,972 H-Hey, have you guys seen that mom 46 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,474 who wears a swimsuit for a bra? 47 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:22,850 She can't come to these. 48 00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:25,811 Her ex-husband has a restraining order against her. 49 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:27,802 Boy, her stock just keeps going up. 50 00:02:27,803 --> 00:02:29,025 So, Christmas, huh? 51 00:02:29,026 --> 00:02:31,942 - You guys must be excited. - (BURPS) Ugh, not at all. 52 00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:33,750 It's always disappointing. 53 00:02:33,751 --> 00:02:35,988 Just a reminder of how truly lonely I am. 54 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:39,075 - Hey-hey! Seamus, my man! - Oh, hello. 55 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:41,240 Allow me to introduce you to my son, Woody. 56 00:02:41,241 --> 00:02:42,495 - Hey, Woody. - Hey. 57 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,538 He's gonna be a new character on the show. 58 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,457 You're barely a character on the show. 59 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:47,834 More than Woody! 60 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,881 Meg, there's a lot I have to get done here, 61 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:56,509 so I need you to take Stewie to the mall to meet Santa. 62 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,177 - Okay. Sure. - Great. 63 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:01,306 Now, why don't you go warm up the car for your little brother? 64 00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:04,809 - (DOOR CLOSES) - She's gone. Quick! 65 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,770 Let's take the picture for the Christmas card. 66 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:09,981 (CAMERA SNAPS) 67 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:15,403 I sent the wrong picture to Walgreens. 68 00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:18,864 ♪ ♪ 69 00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,993 Oh, look, there's all the Jewish kids 70 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:24,495 sitting on the rabbi's lap, 71 00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:26,789 where he asks them for something. 72 00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:30,000 I want a new TV, and it can't be a Vizio. 73 00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:32,002 Sony or Samsung only. 74 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:35,181 And I need it all set up before I turn it on. 75 00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:38,676 I don't want to have to do any of the things! 76 00:03:38,677 --> 00:03:40,387 Okay, little guy. You're up. 77 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:54,403 So, little boy, what would you like for Christmas? 78 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,237 (BAWLING) 79 00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:01,616 (BAWLING CONTINUES) 80 00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,702 What's wrong, little boy? 81 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,745 Don't be scared of Santa. 82 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,289 Come on, Stewie. It's okay. 83 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:10,207 Just sit on Santa's lap. 84 00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:13,667 Ugh. Some people push their kids to do stuff way too soon. 85 00:04:13,668 --> 00:04:15,629 Do you agree, Doctor Baby-Violin? 86 00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:16,922 (MAN'S VOICE): I really do. 87 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,799 ♪ ♪ 88 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:19,948 (STEWIE YELLS) 89 00:04:19,950 --> 00:04:22,094 Is it okay if I just hold him for the picture? 90 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,638 Ho, ho, ho. Of course. 91 00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:26,224 Sit right here, young lady. 92 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:31,061 Here you go, Stewie. Santa's no one to be scared of. 93 00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:34,815 He's kind and warm. He loves unconditionally, 94 00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:37,443 and... and he makes... 95 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,654 everyone feel so... so... 96 00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:42,156 Meg, what are you doing? 97 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:44,867 You look like Mom when she sits on the washing machine. 98 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:47,953 Now, what would you like for Christmas, little boy? 99 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,955 Shut up, everyone! Shut up! Shut up! 100 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,332 Just shut up! 101 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:55,503 ♪ O come, let us adore him ♪ 102 00:04:55,504 --> 00:05:00,257 ♪ O come, let us adore him ♪ 103 00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:05,262 ♪ O come, let us adore him... ♪ 104 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:08,016 What, uh... Wh-What just happened? 105 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,393 I'll have what she's having. 106 00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:14,522 Okay. She had six well-done hamburger patties 107 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,524 jammed into a hard taco shell. 108 00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:18,859 Oh. I just want to feel like that. 109 00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:22,196 Okay. I mean, I can get it for you, but it's a weird order. 110 00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,032 The chef was not happy about it. 111 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:29,913 ♪ ♪ 112 00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:37,003 (BELLS JINGLING) 113 00:05:45,677 --> 00:05:47,973 Are you ready for me, Meg? 114 00:05:48,980 --> 00:05:50,982 ♪ ♪ 115 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:04,822 - Are you ready to get up? - Huh? 116 00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:06,950 (LOIS'S VOICE): I said it's time to get up. 117 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,326 It's 2:00. 118 00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:11,537 I've never seen you sleep so soundly. 119 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,038 What's going on? 120 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,665 Mom, I think I met someone. 121 00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:16,500 Oh, Meg, that's amazing. 122 00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,085 I want to know all about him. 123 00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:19,420 What's his name? 124 00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,714 Let's just call him "Beard Boy." 125 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:25,717 Oh! It's like I'm in Sex with the City. 126 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:28,762 It all happened so quick, but I really feel something. 127 00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:32,182 - Am I crazy? - No. Trust your instincts. 128 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,681 You've got to chase this feeling. 129 00:06:33,682 --> 00:06:35,480 Go find Beard Boy. 130 00:06:35,481 --> 00:06:37,981 I will, Mom. I will! 131 00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:41,108 (EXHALES) What was going on in here? 132 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,693 The windows are steamed up 133 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:44,821 like when Subway's making the bread. 134 00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:47,698 Hey. What's going on in here? 135 00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,450 We're making the bread, sir. 136 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:51,869 Good. Now get back to making sandwiches 137 00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:54,038 with the shiniest turkey on earth! 138 00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:55,706 ANNOUNCER: Subway. Have it your way. 139 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:57,705 If your way is very wet. 140 00:06:57,706 --> 00:06:59,961 ♪ ♪ 141 00:07:05,746 --> 00:07:07,645 Can you pass the milk? 142 00:07:07,646 --> 00:07:09,845 Stewie? Can you pass the milk? 143 00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:13,369 - ♪ O come, all ye faithful... ♪ - MEG: Shut up, everyone! 144 00:07:13,370 --> 00:07:15,506 Shut up! Shut up! 145 00:07:15,507 --> 00:07:16,976 Just shut up! 146 00:07:16,977 --> 00:07:18,729 Hey. Pass the milk. 147 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:20,064 What the hell's going on with you? 148 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,066 I-I haven't slept in two days. 149 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,151 Is this still that Santa thing? Get over it. 150 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,487 You didn't see the things I saw. 151 00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:28,322 ♪ O come ♪ 152 00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:32,159 ♪ All ye faithful... ♪ 153 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,912 I mean, Santa Claus was bouncing us on his knee. 154 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:36,330 And it got a little faster, 155 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:38,332 then faster, and the more he bounced, 156 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,954 the bigger Meg's eyes got. 157 00:07:39,955 --> 00:07:42,712 It was... it was... Just look at the picture! 158 00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,590 Wow. Okay. 159 00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:48,842 Uh, Stewie, I think I know what happened. 160 00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:51,345 I can't tell you explicitly, since we're owned by Disney, 161 00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:53,430 but let me just say that 162 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,141 Santa made her "Little Mermaid" "Moana." 163 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:58,769 - Oh. - Exactly. 164 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:02,232 Brian, would you hand me the Fat Man's fancy puking hat? 165 00:08:03,248 --> 00:08:06,251 (RETCHING) 166 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,951 God, this hat is deep. 167 00:08:14,952 --> 00:08:18,623 Now, there's my hat. Kids, I'm off to the opera. 168 00:08:19,901 --> 00:08:22,210 This opera stinks. 169 00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,840 It was awful, Rupert. 170 00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,342 And worst of all, I didn't even get to ask Santa 171 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,825 for the Vitamix. 172 00:08:31,826 --> 00:08:34,805 Blender? (CHUCKLES) It's more than a blender. 173 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:37,224 MEG: Stewie. I'm gonna take you back to the mall 174 00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:38,642 to sit on Santa's lap. 175 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,103 Oh, my God, I've got to hide! 176 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:46,695 How did she find me? That's my best hiding spot. No! 177 00:08:46,696 --> 00:08:49,229 Oh, and by the way, Rupert, after what I saw, 178 00:08:49,230 --> 00:08:52,697 I know you've been faking it this whole time. 179 00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:55,418 ♪ ♪ 180 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:05,669 Meg, please don't. 181 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:08,718 Listen, I've got seven dollars in my piggy bank. 182 00:09:08,719 --> 00:09:11,364 It's yours. No? All right, uh, I'll kill Chris. 183 00:09:11,365 --> 00:09:12,637 You want me to kill Chris? 184 00:09:12,638 --> 00:09:14,678 Who do you want me to kill? Chris? No? 185 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:15,846 Okay. I got it. 186 00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:18,265 Next road show, Stewie and Meg. Promise. 187 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:21,560 ♪ We're off on the road to Ohio. ♪ 188 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,854 High in the middle and round at both ends! 189 00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:25,439 Meg, I love our road show. 190 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,066 - Next. - No! 191 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,278 Huh. Something's different. 192 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:34,176 Hey, uh, Meg? Uh, can you cut that out? 193 00:09:34,177 --> 00:09:35,290 Dad?! 194 00:09:35,292 --> 00:09:36,909 Please don't tell your mother about this. 195 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,577 I took an extra job. 196 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,538 I don't make much money, and Christmas is very expensive. 197 00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:45,000 (EXHALES) Dad? I'm gonna ask you one question, 198 00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:48,378 and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life. 199 00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:51,423 Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday? 200 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,217 - No. - Oh, thank God. 201 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,427 Now, Meg, I got a question for you: 202 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,763 Is there really a weight limit for the escalator, 203 00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,473 or did I just meet some mean kids? 204 00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:01,391 Hey, Peter, let's keep it moving. 205 00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:03,393 Some stockbrokers are gonna throw me into a gong later. 206 00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:06,480 Excuse me. Do you remember the Santa from yesterday? 207 00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,649 Lady, I've been thrown head first into so many gongs, 208 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,400 I don't remember my own name. 209 00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:13,077 I think he was just a temp. I'd try the Warwick Mall. 210 00:10:13,078 --> 00:10:14,901 Thanks. Stewie, come on. 211 00:10:14,902 --> 00:10:16,582 We're going to the Warwick Mall. 212 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,077 Stewie? 213 00:10:18,078 --> 00:10:20,743 ♪ ♪ 214 00:10:20,744 --> 00:10:22,580 Chocolate sample. 215 00:10:24,438 --> 00:10:26,274 Again. 216 00:10:28,490 --> 00:10:31,089 Just leave the carton. 217 00:10:31,090 --> 00:10:33,169 - Santa's the best. - I'm gonna ask for a bike. 218 00:10:33,170 --> 00:10:35,592 I'm also enthusiastic about Santa. 219 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:38,512 All hail the great Santa Claus. 220 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:41,472 - Yeah. This guy gets it. - (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 221 00:10:41,473 --> 00:10:44,092 Wait a minute. That noise seems negative. 222 00:10:44,093 --> 00:10:46,854 Santa's a good guy 'cause he keeps a list? 223 00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:48,948 You know who else kept a list? Hitler. 224 00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:51,483 My uncle who moved to the Idaho wilderness 225 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,778 says Hitler was a great man. 226 00:10:52,779 --> 00:10:54,788 There you are. Come on. 227 00:10:54,789 --> 00:10:57,197 We've got to visit Santa at another mall. 228 00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,406 I can't go back to Santa, man! I can't! 229 00:10:59,407 --> 00:11:01,826 - Hello again. - Hi. 230 00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:05,082 That's the guy that was peeing in the women's bathroom. 231 00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:15,132 Stewie, when this is over, I'm buying you a new toy. 232 00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:17,509 Meg, when this is over, I'm putting rocks in my pockets 233 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,909 and walking into the mall fountain. 234 00:11:19,910 --> 00:11:21,847 How much longer is this gonna take? 235 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:23,807 I don't know. 400 minutes? 236 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,851 One reason I work as a seasonal elf 237 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,519 is I'm not great at time estimates. 238 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,813 - MALL SANTA: Next. - See? 400 minutes. 239 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:33,398 Even a broken clock is right six times a day. 240 00:11:33,399 --> 00:11:35,442 He's very scared, so I have to sit here with him. 241 00:11:35,443 --> 00:11:36,961 Would you mind bouncing me a little? 242 00:11:36,962 --> 00:11:39,230 Um, okay. I guess I can do that. 243 00:11:40,243 --> 00:11:42,743 Hey, come on, a little harder than that. 244 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,372 - Look, I don't feel comf... - Please! It's Christmas. Please! 245 00:11:45,373 --> 00:11:46,890 What does... what does that have to do with... 246 00:11:46,892 --> 00:11:48,740 Just do it! 247 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,919 (CRYING): ♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪ 248 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,171 ♪ Went up the water spout... ♪ 249 00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:56,006 Wait, wait, th-this isn't working. 250 00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:58,082 Were you at the Quahog Mall last night? 251 00:11:58,083 --> 00:12:01,845 No. L-Last night, I was weeping outside my ex-wife's apartment. 252 00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:03,719 I drank too much and went over to yell at her. 253 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,179 Yeah, he's not your guy, Meg. 254 00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:08,018 They said my Santa would be here, and you're not him. 255 00:12:08,019 --> 00:12:09,970 I'm sorry. Story of my life. 256 00:12:09,971 --> 00:12:12,105 I live to disappoint women, apparently. 257 00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:15,071 Well, where is he? Where's my Santa? 258 00:12:15,072 --> 00:12:17,306 - I don't know! - I need to find him. 259 00:12:17,307 --> 00:12:19,169 He made me a woman! 260 00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:20,865 Where is he? 261 00:12:22,413 --> 00:12:23,450 (GASPING) 262 00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:24,725 He's a phony! 263 00:12:24,726 --> 00:12:26,937 A great, big phony! 264 00:12:26,938 --> 00:12:29,706 Excuse me, ma'am, I'm gonna give you just 600 minutes 265 00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:31,415 - to get out of here. - But you don't understand. 266 00:12:31,416 --> 00:12:33,758 One, two, 600 minutes. 267 00:12:33,759 --> 00:12:35,945 That's it. Security! 268 00:12:35,946 --> 00:12:37,699 What took you so long? 269 00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:38,965 Let me go. 270 00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:42,135 Lady, by the power vested in me by Paul Blart, 271 00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:44,096 you are now banned from this mall 272 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,961 and every mall in this county. 273 00:12:45,962 --> 00:12:50,060 (GRUNTING): W-Wait. I need my little brother. 274 00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:51,771 Stewie! 275 00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:57,527 Time to sleep in heavenly peace. 276 00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:00,722 (GROANS) 277 00:13:00,723 --> 00:13:03,391 Wow, looks like that baby is all wet. 278 00:13:03,392 --> 00:13:05,746 (LAUGHING) 279 00:13:05,747 --> 00:13:07,494 Classic Woody. 280 00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,205 (LAUGHS) This is Woody. 281 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,838 So, you want to tell me why you were assaulting Santa 282 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,423 in front of the whole mall? 283 00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:21,216 What about Beard Boy? 284 00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:23,510 Santa is Beard Boy. 285 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:25,470 You're in love with Santa? 286 00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:26,847 Maybe. 287 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:29,641 He gave me my first... you know. 288 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,394 He just bounced me on his lap, and the next thing you know, 289 00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:34,187 - I saw Jimmy Connors. - You saw Jimmy Connors. 290 00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:36,690 It happens to every girl their first time. 291 00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:38,358 You'll never see him again, by the way. 292 00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:40,152 I won't? Why not? 293 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:43,113 I don't know. That's God's trick on women. 294 00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:45,365 It's your first time, followed by a lifetime 295 00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:46,784 of diminishing returns. 296 00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,038 (SQUEAKING) 297 00:13:52,705 --> 00:13:55,793 I wonder what I'll see on my first time. 298 00:14:13,601 --> 00:14:16,518 I can't let Stewie grow up scared of Santa Claus. 299 00:14:16,519 --> 00:14:18,315 (CLEARS THROAT) 300 00:14:18,316 --> 00:14:20,150 (DEEP VOICE): Ho, ho, ho. 301 00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,022 Santa? Is that really you? 302 00:14:22,023 --> 00:14:24,237 - Sure is. - Well, how'd you get in? 303 00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:26,406 - Through the window. - It was just unlocked? 304 00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:29,101 Like, anybody can just come through my window at any time? 305 00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:31,079 - I really don't like... - Forget about that. 306 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:34,414 I know you're having a tough time. 307 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:37,417 I just wanted to tell you that everything is fine. 308 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:40,921 Meg is entering probably the most horny part of her life. 309 00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,006 This could just as easily have happened 310 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,800 while she was riding a horse or something. 311 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,551 I'm just sorry you had to see it. 312 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:49,721 Okay. Don't want people just coming in whenever. 313 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:53,183 Stewie, that Christmas magic you think you lost, 314 00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:55,102 it can't just disappear. 315 00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,896 I'm still the same guy you've always loved. 316 00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,814 Thanks, Santa. I feel better. 317 00:15:00,815 --> 00:15:03,110 Just try to have a good Christmas. 318 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,237 Uh, speaking of that, I want a new dog. 319 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,114 What's wrong with the dog you have? 320 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:10,033 Eh, he's okay. I just... I just want a new one. 321 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:12,661 Maybe you can spend more time with the old one 322 00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,330 - before you make any decisions. - Nah. Want a new one. 323 00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:17,457 Thanks, Santa. Can you leave from the door? 324 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,004 I'm kind of freaking over the window thing. 325 00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:20,586 Sure. 326 00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:24,297 CHRIS: Oh, my God. Santa? 327 00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:26,970 - I want a new dog. - BRIAN: Oh, come on! 328 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:32,848 There you are. 329 00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:34,891 I had a hell of a time finding your room. 330 00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:36,603 Can I come in? 331 00:15:36,604 --> 00:15:38,904 - Cigarette? - No. 332 00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,494 Mind if I have one? 333 00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:46,653 So, you want to talk about this whole Santa's lap thing? 334 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:50,490 Dad, this stuff, I-I think it's gonna be hard for you to hear. 335 00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:52,200 Oh, don't worry, Meg. I brought this handkerchief 336 00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:55,000 to dab my forehead whenever you say something sexual. 337 00:15:55,001 --> 00:15:57,330 - So, I'm-I'm sitting on Santa's lap... - Oh, dear. 338 00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:59,332 And it's like my whole body starts to tingle. 339 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:00,342 Oh, my stars. 340 00:16:00,344 --> 00:16:01,751 And-and then there's, like, a-a deep... 341 00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,170 I better loudly drop an Alka-Seltzer 342 00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:04,921 in this glass of water. 343 00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:07,549 - (FIZZING) - Very loud fizzing. 344 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,426 I-I may need to widen my eyes 345 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:11,386 until they look like a young girl's Snapchat filter. 346 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:13,180 Like, sort of a-a warm steam iron? 347 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:15,345 Okay. It's okay, Meg. 348 00:16:15,346 --> 00:16:19,186 Look, this Santa person clearly made you very happy. 349 00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:21,515 And I want my daughter to be happy. 350 00:16:21,516 --> 00:16:24,564 Go find your mall Santa, wherever he is. 351 00:16:24,565 --> 00:16:26,568 I love you, Dad. 352 00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:28,361 And thanks for the pep talk. 353 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:30,238 Hey, I learned from the best. 354 00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:33,579 You know, I played football for Coach Joe Paterno at Penn State. 355 00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:36,244 All right, team, remember everything you learned 356 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,954 in practice this week 357 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:40,713 and forget everything after practice this week. 358 00:16:40,714 --> 00:16:42,960 - Break. - (CHEERING) 359 00:16:44,547 --> 00:16:48,381 ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪ 360 00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:50,217 ♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪ 361 00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,298 ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪ 362 00:16:52,299 --> 00:16:54,054 ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ 363 00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:56,390 ♪ Jingle all the way ♪ 364 00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:58,057 ♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪ 365 00:16:58,058 --> 00:17:00,388 ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪ 366 00:17:00,389 --> 00:17:02,309 ♪ ♪ 367 00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:19,496 ♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ 368 00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:23,250 ♪ Oh, what fun in a one-horse open sleigh ♪ 369 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:27,379 ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ 370 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,506 ♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪ 371 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:33,176 ♪ In a one-horse open ♪ 372 00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:35,136 - ♪ Sleigh ♪ - ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ 373 00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,681 ♪ Jingle all the way. ♪ 374 00:17:37,682 --> 00:17:39,432 (TIRES SCREECHING) 375 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:42,018 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I've got to get in there. 376 00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:44,187 Sorry, sweetie. It's Christmas Eve. 377 00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:47,938 Mall Quiet on the Western Front closed 900 minutes ago. 378 00:17:47,939 --> 00:17:49,693 Oh, no. 379 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:52,454 Do you have a big cup I can pee in for my ride home? 380 00:17:52,455 --> 00:17:54,614 Take my mostly done Jamba Juice. 381 00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,617 And merry Christmas. 382 00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,455 (SLURPING, BELCHES) 383 00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,874 Wow. There was more in there than I thought. 384 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:07,294 - SANTA: Meg? - Santa? 385 00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:10,877 Yes, Meg. It's me, Santa. 386 00:18:10,878 --> 00:18:12,865 Oh, my God, there's a bench right over there. 387 00:18:12,866 --> 00:18:14,509 Quick, let me sit on your leg. 388 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,219 No, that's not what I'm here for. 389 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,554 Yes, it is. Now, sit down. 390 00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:20,307 Meg, no. Meg, no. Get off. 391 00:18:20,308 --> 00:18:22,517 Geez, I'm trying to give you a heartwarming message 392 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:23,935 of Christmas joy. 393 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,646 You know, the same feeling you got when you were five 394 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,440 and I gave you that Malibu Barbie? 395 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:29,899 How did you know that? 396 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,110 I told you. I'm the real Santa. 397 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:35,405 I try to visit every mall at least once during Christmas. 398 00:18:35,406 --> 00:18:37,240 Except Long Island malls. 399 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:38,533 Those people are a little much. 400 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,493 Oh, no. 401 00:18:40,494 --> 00:18:43,872 I can't believe I, you know, grew up all over you. 402 00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:46,166 It's okay, Meg. You see, I know 403 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:49,169 what each and every person needs for Christmas. 404 00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:52,839 For you, it was your first time seeing Jimmy Connors. 405 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,884 But the truth is, it had nothing to do with me. 406 00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:58,511 The Christmas magic lives in there. 407 00:18:58,512 --> 00:19:02,182 And as long as you believe, it'll always be with you. 408 00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:03,558 Deep inside. 409 00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,226 - Inside my... - Wherever you find it, yes. 410 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,145 Thanks, Santa. 411 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,863 You're welcome, Meg. 412 00:19:08,864 --> 00:19:10,857 Well, I'm off to distribute presents 413 00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:13,234 to boys and girls all over the world. 414 00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:16,071 All right, I'm gonna put my leg up on this back tire 415 00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:17,529 and take a she-wee. 416 00:19:17,530 --> 00:19:22,035 You know, you don't have to say everything out loud, Meg. 417 00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:24,746 Wait, are you sure you're the real Santa Claus? 418 00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:26,081 Yes, I'm the real Santa Claus. 419 00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:28,124 I'm totally real, so don't tell anyone about this 420 00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:29,626 and don't say anything to anyone. 421 00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:31,544 Merry Chris... 422 00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:33,713 - Damn it. - (ENGINE SPUTTERING) 423 00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:35,021 Come on. 424 00:19:35,022 --> 00:19:38,466 I... I-I really got to go behind the car. 425 00:19:38,467 --> 00:19:40,679 ♪ ♪ 426 00:19:43,099 --> 00:19:44,391 - Whoa! - (GONG CLANGS) 427 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:45,601 (LAUGHTER) 428 00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,118 Meg? 429 00:20:07,119 --> 00:20:08,748 Hi. Merry Christmas. 430 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:10,750 I'm tennis bad boy Jimmy Connors. 431 00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:12,043 How did you get in here? 432 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,545 I came in through your baby's window. 433 00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:14,963 You can just open it. 434 00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:17,257 STEWIE: Men are now just coming in at will! 435 00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:20,009 I heard you had a pretty confusing Christmas. 436 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,970 Yeah, it's tough being a teenager, 437 00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:24,889 dealing with all these new emotions and feelings 438 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,266 and streaming platforms. 439 00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:29,436 I remember when I was your age, I was confused, too. 440 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:32,897 Then I got a haircut that I'd keep for 50 years. 441 00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:35,525 You've just got to find your one thing that works. 442 00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:38,679 You mean a haircut like this? 443 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:41,621 Meg, I think you're gonna be just fine. 444 00:20:41,622 --> 00:20:45,076 But just in case, here. I want you to have these. 445 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,186 - Your balls? - That's right. 446 00:20:47,187 --> 00:20:48,413 Whenever you need me, 447 00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:50,915 just rub my balls, and I'll come. 448 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,501 ♪ O come, ye ♪ 449 00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:57,298 ♪ O come, ye, to Bethlehem. ♪ 450 00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:00,968 Good night.