1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,879 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:12,011 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,847 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,184 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,604 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,064 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:24,690 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:29,696 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:35,077 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:39,622 Oh, fun! Look, Peter. 12 00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:42,041 Smash Mouth is playing here next weekend. 13 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,543 - In Quahog? - No, in this porn store. 14 00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:46,045 - (SCANNER BEEPS) - Well, you caught us. 15 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,546 Lois and I are stocking up 16 00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,882 for a very special anniversary evening, 17 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,134 and I'm not sure that five percent discount 18 00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:53,928 was worth checking in here on Facebook. 19 00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:55,221 (PHONE CHIMES) 20 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,431 Ew, Meg, don't "like" that. 21 00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,767 Anyway, to celebrate, we thought it would be fun 22 00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:03,646 to recount the three greatest love stories ever told. 23 00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:06,274 We'll begin with the tale of Helen of Troy: 24 00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,985 "The face that launched a thousand ships." 25 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,820 Which is the poetic way of saying, 26 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,989 "Helen of Troy was thicc, tho." 27 00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:14,991 Which is the Black Twitter way of saying, 28 00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:16,951 "She was very attractive." 29 00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:19,162 (EXOTIC VOCALIZING) 30 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,335 The people of Troy's chocolate 31 00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:27,920 has gotten into our peanut butter. 32 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,630 The people of Greece's peanut butter 33 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,382 has gotten all over our chocolate! 34 00:01:31,383 --> 00:01:33,509 We could perhaps try the combined taste, 35 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,678 or we could fight to the death. 36 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:38,472 Guys, stop! The Battle of the Greece's Peanut Butter Cup 37 00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:39,890 has gone on too long. 38 00:01:39,891 --> 00:01:42,893 Let us agree to disagree. 39 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:46,147 Huh, what a pleasantly de-escalating phrase 40 00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:48,274 that I'm just now hearing for the first time. 41 00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,818 Yes, we will agree to disagree. 42 00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:53,654 The war between the Greeks and the Trojans is over! 43 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:54,822 (CHEERING) 44 00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,157 To Greece! 45 00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:59,201 Now let's go call a bunch of jagged rocks a beach. 46 00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:00,828 (PAINED GRUNTING) 47 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,330 - Ooh! Ow! - Sharp! Sharp! Sharp! 48 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:03,582 - Hot! - Hot! 49 00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:08,794 Man, I'm happy the war is over. 50 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:10,796 I can't wait to get back to Troy. 51 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,715 Yeah, I'm just gonna plop down with my kids 52 00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,593 and watch Troy Story. 53 00:02:14,594 --> 00:02:19,013 To the other side of that hill... and beyond! 54 00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:22,350 That's as far as we know about right now. 55 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:23,651 You know what I just realized? 56 00:02:23,652 --> 00:02:26,896 This. This could be a really long poem. 57 00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:29,482 Now, if you'll excuse me, Helen's in my cabin, 58 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:32,943 and I thought I'd give heterosexual sex a try. 59 00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:34,236 (DOOR CREAKS) 60 00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:36,489 Helen?! What the Hades?! 61 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,740 What? She's hot. 62 00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:39,492 But not as hot as Medusa. 63 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,661 Ah, one look at Medusa, and I'm rock hard. 64 00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:45,165 Mythologically correct. 65 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:51,754 Coming up, Greek food voted burpiest in the world. 66 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,839 But first, in tragedy news: 67 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:57,343 your queen, Helen, has run off with Paris back to Troy. 68 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:58,761 This is an outrage! 69 00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:02,264 I'll send my entire army after them, led by my best warriors! 70 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,684 Achilles, ACL, get in here! 71 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,979 (PAINED GRUNTING) 72 00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:11,857 - What? - Helen has run off with Paris! 73 00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:14,735 We're going to get her back and burn Troy to the ground. 74 00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,070 Well, that sounds good. 75 00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:18,739 I just need to cancel my lesson with Socrates first. 76 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:21,033 Isn't he that thinker they keep shuffling around 77 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,868 from one philosophy school district to the next? 78 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,370 No, no, he's the one 79 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:26,539 whose method is all about asking questions. 80 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,916 - Like what? - "Have you ever tried wine?" 81 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,126 "Can you keep a secret?" 82 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,420 "You know this is your fault, right?" 83 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:36,048 Yeah, he'll... he'll make you question a lot about yourself. 84 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,843 ♪ ♪ 85 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,555 So, we'll sail directly east, 86 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,099 and then head north at a 90 degree angle. 87 00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:47,935 It's the fastest possible way I can imagine getting there. 88 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:49,603 Hang on. Let me see that. 89 00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:52,481 Pythagoras just invented this thing called a "hypotenuse." 90 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:55,401 If we know this distance and this distance, 91 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:58,070 we can calculate this more direct route. 92 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:01,574 Wow. Our people are, like, really smart. 93 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,451 I bet Greeks will always be known 94 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:06,579 for their advancements in math and not as cartoon characters 95 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:10,082 with very hairy arms and a tragically mismanaged economy. 96 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,085 ♪ ♪ 97 00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:22,928 Okay, I had a feeling this fortress would be impenetrable, 98 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,431 so I've hired the finest builder in Greece 99 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,516 to make us a giant wooden horse. 100 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:30,186 We'll hide inside it, they'll take it in as a gift, 101 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,605 and then we spring out and destroy the city. 102 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,440 I call it "the Trojan horse." 103 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,941 Well, that sounds great, 104 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:38,235 but there's another door right here that's just beads. 105 00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,446 - What? - Yeah. Just beads. See? 106 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,781 Oh, boy, this... 107 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,075 this is gonna be a difficult phone call. 108 00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:46,327 Let's go! Let's go! 109 00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,579 This needs to be done yesterday! 110 00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:49,872 - (PHONE RINGING) - Hello? 111 00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:51,999 Giant Horse Company, Pay On Delivery, 112 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,959 No Deposit Required. Can I help you? 113 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,419 What?! 114 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:57,464 (ALL YELLING) 115 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:03,261 (WIND WHISTLING) 116 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,097 Where the hell is everyone? 117 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,474 Well, they left a note. 118 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,851 It says Helen and Paris went back 119 00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:13,312 to the Greek Isles to get married... (GASPS) 120 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:16,982 And all three of Helen's fathers are going to be there?! 121 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:20,486 ♪ Dancing queen... ♪ 122 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:21,904 They came! 123 00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:24,156 Awesome! And now that we're owned by Disney, 124 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,158 we can have Hercules here. 125 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,826 No? 126 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,328 They-they won't let us use him? 127 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,664 What was the point of this whole merger? 128 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,499 Well, who can we use? 129 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:34,833 "Launchpad McQuack"? 130 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,044 No. No. No, you know what? I'm exhausted. 131 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:39,338 I'm exhausted with being told "no." 132 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,173 And now I'm married. Ugh. 133 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,803 I'm gonna go break wieners off statues. 134 00:05:43,804 --> 00:05:45,971 ("DANCING QUEEN" PLAYS) 135 00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:57,898 Welcome back. My credit card got declined at the sex store. 136 00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:00,067 We ran off with only the stuff we could keister. 137 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:03,112 Our next love story is Romeo and Juliet, 138 00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:06,198 a 500-year-old tale about horny preteens 139 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:10,077 that society somehow decided is classy and not perverted, 140 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:13,831 even though two middle schoolers bang in it. Enjoy. 141 00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,625 Two households, both alike in dignity, 142 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:19,044 in fair Verona where we lay our scene. 143 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,880 Well, I'd say Verona's better than fair. 144 00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,882 They's gettin' a Shake Shack this summer. 145 00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,677 Ooh, milkshakes and crinkly fries. 146 00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:28,887 Gonna have myself a pooch-belly if I's not careful. 147 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,472 I'm sorry, y'all. 148 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,559 I done chatterboxed my way through the whole prologue. 149 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,269 Boy, this is nice. 150 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,896 Will there ever be a more popular Italian city 151 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,231 - than Verona? - I don't know. 152 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,609 Are we even supposed to be at this party? 153 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:44,612 If they find out we're Montagues, they might razz us! 154 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,405 Relax. No one's gonna recognize us. 155 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:49,074 We got inch-wide masks over just our eyes, 156 00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:51,118 with the rest of our faces plainly visible. 157 00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,202 We're fine. 158 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,204 You wanted to see me, Daddy? 159 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:55,914 Juliet, honey, we need to talk. 160 00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:57,249 You're a grown woman now, 161 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,293 and it's time for you to get married. 162 00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,295 Grown woman?! Daddy, I'm 13. 163 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:04,306 Shh. Uh, don't say that. Tell people you're 11! 164 00:07:04,307 --> 00:07:05,924 Do you want to get married or not?! 165 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,468 (SIGHS) Fine. 166 00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:09,094 Now, I found you the most eligible bachelor 167 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,055 in all of Italy. 168 00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:13,724 He's from the Boyardee family. Kind of a big deal. 169 00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:17,936 My family makes the best canned sugar pastas in all the land. 170 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,938 Are you out of breath from saying one sentence? 171 00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:21,649 Just give me a second. 172 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:24,276 I'm in the midst of a full-on, lockdown sodium headache. 173 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,362 I haven't peed for 36 hours. 174 00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:28,113 Whew. Okay. 175 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:31,700 Now, fair Juliet, let our houses join together, 176 00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:34,662 like beef... and roni. 177 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,372 ♪ ♪ 178 00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:37,540 Ah, cool! 179 00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:43,837 (CHUCKLES) 180 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:45,757 Shakespeare. 181 00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:53,514 (EXHALES) 182 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:55,891 (SQUEAKING) 183 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,810 What... what is that? 184 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,311 It says "hole." 185 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,729 I don't get it. 186 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:01,897 You wrote "butt." 187 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,219 Okay. 188 00:08:03,220 --> 00:08:04,692 I'll... I'll come over there. 189 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,026 (GRUNTS) 190 00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,028 Hey, there's something I want you to see. 191 00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:10,823 Some greaseball at the bar just drew a guy in a circle. 192 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,992 It's amazing. He's this, and then he's this. 193 00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:16,741 You-you just... y-you got to come see it! 194 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,332 Romeo, we got to get out of here! 195 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:23,335 Tybalt found out we're Montagues, and he's pissed. 196 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,921 Oh, man, I-I must have amnesia or something, 197 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,257 'cause I don't (BLEEP) remember inviting you guys. 198 00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:31,009 - Who are you here with? - Uh... Tony? 199 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,678 Gonna have to do better than that, man. 200 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:33,887 Lot of Tonys here. 201 00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:35,389 Oh, did I say "Tony"? 202 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:39,727 I-I meant... I'm Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago. 203 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:42,521 You're Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago? 204 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,731 That's right. 205 00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:46,066 - (PHONE RINGING) - Hello? 206 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,901 JOE: Yes, I'm looking for Abe Froman, 207 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,695 the sausage king of Chicago. 208 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,113 Heavyset fellow, glasses. 209 00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:52,906 Oh, w-well, he's right here. 210 00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:54,199 Let me just... Wait a minute! 211 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,201 We don't have phones or Chicago! 212 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,703 All right, you got to die. 213 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,955 Enough! You three, out of my house! 214 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:02,833 I will not play host to some family feud! 215 00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:06,003 (FAMILY FEUD THEME PLAYING) 216 00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:07,588 100 people surveyed. 217 00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:09,256 Top five answers are on the board. 218 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:12,050 Name something you might say to a damned spot. 219 00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:13,051 (BUZZER SOUNDING) 220 00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:14,595 Out. 221 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:15,929 - Good answer! Good answer! - Ah, good answer, good answer. 222 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,098 - Yeah, yeah, good answer. - Show me "out"! 223 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,475 (BELL CLANGS) 224 00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,310 What?! That's impossible! 225 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:24,396 Romeo, name something you might say to a damned spot. 226 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:25,773 Hello. 227 00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,065 (BELL CLANGS) 228 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:29,193 - What?! - I know this audience. 229 00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:32,030 - Of course it was "hello." - Of course it was. 230 00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:38,241 (HARPSICHORD PLAYING "IN YOUR EYES") 231 00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:45,584 Romeo? 232 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,795 - Juliet. - (DISCORDANT NOTES PLAY) 233 00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,505 I know I ain't supposed to be here, 234 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,381 but I just had to see you again. 235 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:55,803 Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? 236 00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,513 I... What-what... what are you talking about? 237 00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:59,181 I'm right here. You're looking right at me. 238 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:01,517 You know what? I'll come up there. 239 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,101 - Romeo, we can't. - (GRUNTING) 240 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,978 What if my father sees us? 241 00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,606 And "wherefore" means "why," by the way, not "where." 242 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:08,982 Shh, shh, shh, shh. 243 00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:10,526 That's stupid. You're stupid. 244 00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,820 Juliet, I know we just met, 245 00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:15,989 but when I look at you, I feel something special. 246 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:19,618 This is gonna sound crazy, but... will you marry me? 247 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,329 Okay, let's do it. 248 00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,081 I love you, Romeo. 249 00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,999 I love you, too, Juliet. 250 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,836 (BOTH MOANING) 251 00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,629 I should probably let you know 252 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,798 I have a lot of Jack Skellington tattoos. 253 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:35,175 Well, I wish you would have told me that before, 254 00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:39,137 but that's okay, because I do karate outside against no one. 255 00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:43,142 Yeah, this is gonna be a good marriage. 256 00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:50,065 There he is! 257 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,276 There's the dumb-ass I've been looking for. 258 00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,236 - (GRUNTS) - (SHOUTS) 259 00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,362 Mercutio! 260 00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,739 (GRUNTS) I could never say this 261 00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,075 when I was alive, but... 262 00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:03,328 "Ralph... Fiennes." 263 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,372 (GROANS) 264 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,708 (GROWLING) 265 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,042 (GRUNTING) 266 00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,168 (COUGHING) 267 00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:12,421 (GRUNTING) Oh, God. 268 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:15,632 I'm voiding my bowels right now because I died, 269 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:18,886 not 30 minutes ago in the carriage on the way here. 270 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,886 (GRUNTING) 271 00:11:20,887 --> 00:11:22,473 (GASPS) 272 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:26,059 Welp, we all know how this goes. 273 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,102 (SIREN WHOOPS) 274 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,771 I'm doin' it! 275 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,859 Oh, Friar Laurence, 276 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,778 are you absolutely sure faking my death 277 00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:38,530 with this poison is the best plan? 278 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,533 Well, there's also Herbalife, which is an amazing product. 279 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:42,868 And I think you, specifically, 280 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,870 would make a great addition to our team. 281 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:47,039 I-I'll take the poison. Thank you, Friar. 282 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,374 A-And since I'm picking up a prescription, 283 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:52,252 can I, uh, pay for the rest of my items here? 284 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,963 Uh, I-I guess. 285 00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:57,049 (ANNOYED SIGH) 286 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,302 Oh, (SIGHS) yourself. 287 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,557 I'm afraid she's dead. 288 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,434 You can tell by her shallow breathing 289 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,144 and weak but clear heartbeat. 290 00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,688 I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. 291 00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:13,065 Can you make a paper airplane? 292 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:16,027 - I can. - Then don't be so hard on yourself. 293 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:23,505 Oh, no! My girlfriend's dead! 294 00:12:23,506 --> 00:12:26,078 And on top of that, it's that time in late summer 295 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,747 before football starts and there's no basketball. 296 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,249 I mean, there is baseball, but it's not playoffs. 297 00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,087 I might as well just be dead! 298 00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:38,091 (COUGHS, CHOKING) 299 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,010 (WEAKLY): Children having sex, 300 00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:43,345 two murders, 301 00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:45,514 double suicide. 302 00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:48,600 Very irresponsible to teach this... 303 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,018 in schools. 304 00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:51,353 (GRUNTS) 305 00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:54,606 Romeo? Romeo? 306 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,149 Oh, wherefore? 307 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,777 - Stupid. - I don't understand. 308 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,445 We had a plan! 309 00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:03,949 Did you think I was dead just because I faked my own death?! 310 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,993 Maybe there's still poison on your lips. 311 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,953 Mm. Alas. 312 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:10,789 Just Costco hot dog. (SHUDDERS) 313 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:14,318 Well, a boy I knew for three days is dead. 314 00:13:14,319 --> 00:13:17,045 And on top of that, WNBA season is over, 315 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:20,298 and it's still two months till figure skating starts! 316 00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:23,261 (GROANS, GASPS) 317 00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:31,226 BRUCE: For never was a story of more "Oh, no!" 318 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:34,731 than that of Juliet and her Romeo. 319 00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:41,403 (SIRENS WAILING) 320 00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:43,363 I accidentally farted on a candle 321 00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:46,199 at our Eyes Wide Shut party and this happened. 322 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,660 Now, please enjoy Fatal Attraction. 323 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,164 ♪ ♪ 324 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,250 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 325 00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:57,836 Man, is this a great black toilet loft party or what? 326 00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,212 Oh, yeah. 327 00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:01,591 Hey, which line of cocaine is for the bathroom? 328 00:14:01,592 --> 00:14:04,009 - I think it's that one. - Thanks. I'll be right back. 329 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,554 (SNIFFING) 330 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:10,348 Dan Gallagher. Confident to meet you. 331 00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:13,060 I'm not gonna be ignored by you, Dan. 332 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:14,686 No, no. No, no, that's later. 333 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,855 Would you like to dance in silence, 334 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,066 because they always add the music in post? 335 00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:20,735 Sure. 336 00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:23,695 What do you think they'll choose? 337 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,280 ♪ You take the good, you take the bad ♪ 338 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:27,240 ♪ You take 'em both and there you have ♪ 339 00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:30,453 ♪ The facts of life, the facts of life. ♪ 340 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:37,042 Now, let's have hot sex in silence, 341 00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,544 and they'll add the sensuous music in post. 342 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,631 (BOTH MOANING) 343 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,468 I wonder what music they're gonna add. 344 00:14:46,469 --> 00:14:47,886 (INSPECTOR GADGET THEME PLAYING) 345 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,387 ♪ Inspector Gadget ♪ 346 00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,890 ♪ Hoo, hoo ♪ 347 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,141 ♪ Inspector Gadget ♪ 348 00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:54,559 Well, I'm done. 349 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,395 (THEME CONTINUES PLAYING) 350 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,025 ♪ Inspector Gadget ♪ 351 00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:03,318 ♪ Hoo, hoo... ♪ 352 00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:06,363 TV themes were longer back now. 353 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:08,616 (INSECTS TRILLING) 354 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,166 I love our life. 355 00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:12,744 Yeah. It's hard not to root 356 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,080 for a rich, white lawyer in the Connecticut suburbs. 357 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,123 (PHONE RINGING) 358 00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:18,416 Dad, the not cell phone's ringing! 359 00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,502 Let's let the new answering machine get it. 360 00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:22,796 - (BEEPS) - Hi, you've reached the Gallaghers. 361 00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:24,798 Leave a message for our intact family 362 00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,424 - after the beep. - (BEEPS) 363 00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:28,468 Hi, Dan. It's Alex Forrest. 364 00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:31,148 I just found out I'm preg... 365 00:15:31,149 --> 00:15:33,515 Now I'm giving you a minute to pick up the phone hastily. 366 00:15:33,516 --> 00:15:35,016 I got it, I got it, I got it! Hello? 367 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,477 Judge Forrest. (QUIETLY): How did you get this number 368 00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:39,980 when they deliver a book that has all the numbers? 369 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:43,942 Dan, look over to the split screen and see how crazy I look. 370 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,111 - Eesh. - And, also, 371 00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,445 I'm listening to opera, 372 00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:48,822 but I don't know which one, 373 00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,365 'cause they'll add it in post. 374 00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:52,242 What do you think they'll choose? 375 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:56,746 ♪ No more Rice Krispies ♪ 376 00:15:56,747 --> 00:16:00,334 ♪ We ran out of Rice Krispies... ♪ 377 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,173 I see it! 378 00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:07,592 God! 379 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:14,056 Hello, Dan. 380 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:16,725 How did you get in here? 381 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:20,312 I slipped the security guard five cocaines. 382 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,855 I told you it's over! 383 00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:24,191 And I told you we need to talk. 384 00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,817 I'm pregnant. 385 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,420 Are you sure it's yours? 386 00:16:27,421 --> 00:16:29,321 - I am. - We can get rid of it. 387 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,865 They won't outlaw abortion until 2019. 388 00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:33,408 No, I'm keeping it! 389 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:35,035 And one other thing: 390 00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:38,580 the baby will not be ignored by you, Dan. 391 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:41,209 That's a very big thing for you, isn't it? 392 00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:46,213 I need your help. 393 00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:47,923 Alex, the elevator chick, is pregnant. 394 00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:49,507 I don't want to lose my family. 395 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:50,717 What can I do? 396 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:51,843 Listen, just call your wife 397 00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,678 on your numbers-on-the-top car phone, 398 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,055 and it'll all be better. 399 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:56,890 If I were you, Dan, I'd just go home 400 00:16:56,891 --> 00:16:58,558 and enjoy your family and rabbit. 401 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,853 Most of these things just boil over. 402 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,070 That's odd. 403 00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:12,870 Usually, our rabbit rushes up to greet me. 404 00:17:12,871 --> 00:17:15,742 Well, time to wash dishes while looking at a lawn, 405 00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,494 like most housewives. 406 00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:18,745 (BUBBLING) 407 00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:21,159 What in the world? 408 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,583 I better warily approach that pot in silence, 409 00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:26,211 knowing they'll add dramatic music in post. 410 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,797 I wonder what they'll choose. 411 00:17:28,798 --> 00:17:33,468 ♪ No more Rice Krispies ♪ 412 00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:38,014 ♪ We ran out of Rice Krispies! ♪ 413 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,892 (SCREAM ECHOES) 414 00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:44,730 Aw, I was going to kill the rabbit. 415 00:17:47,982 --> 00:17:50,068 All right, listen, Beth, 416 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,671 I got something to tell you in front of our kid. 417 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:54,990 - I had an affair. - You what?! 418 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:57,027 I know. It was awesome at the time, 419 00:17:57,028 --> 00:17:59,229 and, frankly, I was real close to getting away with it. 420 00:17:59,230 --> 00:18:01,503 But now that there are actual consequences, 421 00:18:01,504 --> 00:18:04,749 - I got to tell you the truth. - Dan, how could you? 422 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,251 Look, it's not my fault. 423 00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:08,628 My plan was to just hide this from you forever. 424 00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:09,963 Also, she's pregnant. 425 00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:11,589 How is that possible? 426 00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:14,259 Well, when a man and a woman like each other just a little 427 00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:15,260 and they get in an elevator... 428 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,261 Oh, God! 429 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,096 How could I be so blind?! 430 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,381 I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, honey. 431 00:18:20,382 --> 00:18:21,516 But I will say, 432 00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:24,811 at least she had a pot of something on the stove 433 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:26,564 when I came home. 434 00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,069 (CREAKING) 435 00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,656 (CREAKING) 436 00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:50,295 Well, now to defog this mirror and see only myself. 437 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:51,880 (SQUEAKING) 438 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:56,343 Now to fully close the mirror and have no changes. 439 00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:57,635 (GASPS) 440 00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:59,179 I'm sorry, Beth. 441 00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:02,015 I have a fatal attraction to your husband. 442 00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:04,489 Ah! She said it! That'll be in the trailer. 443 00:19:04,490 --> 00:19:07,687 I'm gonna do to you what I did to your bunny 444 00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,147 and your neighbor's cat 445 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:12,151 because I went to the wrong house the first time. 446 00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:17,155 (SIGHS) I love relaxing here with that dry ceiling. 447 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:20,158 Huh. Wonder if the weather called for living room rain. 448 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,493 WEATHERMAN: Next up, Connecticut, 449 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,078 your living room forecast: 450 00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,205 dry, dry, dry. 451 00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:28,208 (GASPS) That can only mean one thing! 452 00:19:28,209 --> 00:19:31,169 (GRUNTING) 453 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,879 Oh, my God. 454 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,756 It's happening. It's happening. 455 00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:35,799 Dan, help! 456 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,468 - Right. - (GRUNTING) 457 00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,933 You deserve to die, 458 00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,310 because the choices I made are your fault! 459 00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:49,772 (MUFFLED CHOKING) 460 00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,864 All right. She's mostly choked. 461 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,785 Let's just sit on the floor with our backs to the tub. 462 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,912 (SCREAMS) 463 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,289 (GUNSHOT) 464 00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:12,419 It's just been revoked. 465 00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:14,463 ♪ ♪ 466 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,806 Hi, I'm Chris Griffin. 467 00:20:24,807 --> 00:20:26,558 I didn't have a lot to do tonight. 468 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,351 But they did say they'd give me one minute 469 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,062 at the end of the show to share my favorite love story. 470 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,440 Of course, I chose the classic romantic tale 471 00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:35,900 of the love between a young man and pastry, 472 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,569 American Pie. 473 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,779 The store was all out of apple, 474 00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:41,406 so this one is chicken pot, 475 00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:43,116 fresh from the oven. 476 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,367 Here we go. 477 00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:47,287 Ow, the piping hot gravy! 478 00:20:47,288 --> 00:20:49,914 Oh! And one of the peas went inside! 479 00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,124 It's so burned, 480 00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:53,585 I can't tell what's chicken and what's me! 481 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,962 Oh, God! Not gonna stop though! 482 00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:58,006 Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad, 483 00:20:58,007 --> 00:20:59,966 from your teenage son 484 00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:03,846 getting busy with a 400-degree pot pie!