Have you ever confused a dream with life?
Or stolen something when you have the cash?
Have you ever been blue?
Or thought your train moving while sitting still?
Maybe l was just crazy.
Maybe it was the '60s.
Or maybe l was just a girl...
... interrupted.
Put her in restraints. Withdraw bIood.
HoId on.
Give her five miIIigrams of VaIium, IV.
Turn her head so she doesn't aspirate.
There you go.
Aspirin fragments and vodka, I think.
Don't teII me what you think. Take it to the Iab.
You shouId check my hand. There's no bones in it.
A wrist banger.
Is that why you did this? And other things.
Her parents are on the way.
Sometimes it's hard...
...for me to stay in one...
...pIace.
Susanna...
... if you had no bones in your hand...
...how did you pick up the aspirin?
What is my mother doing?
WouId you answer my question, pIease?
How did you pick up the aspirin if you had no bones in your hand?
By then, they'd come back.
I see.
No, you don't.
WeII...
...induIge me, then.
ExpIain it to me.
ExpIain what?
ExpIain to a doctor that the Iaws of physics can be suspended?
That what goes up may not come down?
ExpIain...
...that time...
...can move backwards and forwards...
...and now to then and back again...
...and you can't controI it?
Why can't you controI it?
What?
Why can't you controI time?
Where were you? Everyone is here. Come on.
Mary, you remember Susanna. Yes, I do.
You're wearing this?
I didn't know it was so earIy. I wouId've changed.
Everybody, Iook who's here.
Happy birthday, Dad. Thanks, sweetie.
I'm sorry, I want to say hi to her.
Sweetie, wouId you hoId this for me? I just want to say hi to Susanna.
Excuse me. Susanna!
Susanna! Professor GiIcrest's wife.
Barbara GiIcrest. You remember me?
Bonnie's mom. I'm Bonnie's mom.
Your skin is so beautifuI.
Wasn't Bonnie in your Iit. cIass?
Yeah. How is she doing?
She just got accepted to RadcIiffe.
What a conundrum.
I'm a WeIIesIey girI, myseIf.
But I think young women shouId make up their own mind, don't you?
Are you stoned?
Do you smoke pot?
Take LSD?
No drugs?
How do you feeI right now?
I...
...don't know.
I don't know what I'm feeIing.
You need a rest.
WeII, I'II go home, take a nap.
No. You need to go somewhere where you can get a genuine rest.
And you're very Iucky.
The best pIace for someone Iike you...
...is Iess than a haIf an hour from here.
You don't mean CIaymoore?
Four days ago...
...you chased a bottIe of aspirin with a bottIe of vodka.
I had a headache.
Your father is a friend of mine.
He's a coIIeague. He asked me to see you...
...even though I don't do this anymore.
You're hurting everyone around you.
Now, CIaymoore is a topnotch pIace.
A Iot of peopIe go there.
Even writers.
Like you.
Great.
Yes, I'd Iike a cab at 1240 MiIford, pIease.
My mother's here.
It'II be Iess emotionaI if we do it this way.
Your parents and I taIked about it.
Now make sure, no stops.
Susanna, you there?
I want to see you again.
It was a one.time thing, okay?
Just come to my office tonight.
We're opening the presents!
TeII them you're going to a friend's.
Who shouId I teII first?
My parents, the department chairman, or your wife?
No.
What did you do?
Excuse me?
WeII, you Iook normaI.
I'm sad.
WeII, everyone's sad.
I see things.
You mean, Iike tripping?
Kind of.
Then they shouId put John Lennon away, huh?
I'm not John Lennon.
Don't get too comfortabIe.
ShouIdn't my parents...?
You have to sign them, Miss Kaysen.
You're over 18. This is your decision.
I didn't try to kiII myseIf.
That's the kind of thing you taIk about in therapy, honey. Not here.
Miss Kaysen?
You have the distinction of being the onIy senior...
...not going on to coIIege.
May I ask what you pIan to do?
I pIan to write.
WeII, what do you pIan to do?
Look, I'm not gonna burn my bra or drop acid or go march on Washington...
...I just don't want to end up Iike my mother.
Women today have more choices than that.
No, they don't.
And here.
You forgot one, dear. Here.
Speaking for Dr. Wick and myseIf, weIcome to CIaymoore, Susanna.
This is the women's ward, aIso known as South BeII.
This is where you'II be staying, and this is where I work.
AII right, this is the second fIoor.
I need you to stay cIose to me because it's easy to get Iost here.
This is our ward.
AII right, Iet's start with this room.
This is the art room.
PoIIy.
What are you doing here?
I feeI very musicaI today.
Can I just, for just a second? Not today, honey.
That's PoIIy. Come on.
Margie, PoIIy was in the art room by herseIf.
I'm sorry, VaI.
The Iiving room.
Everyone hates it.
And these are the phones.
To make a caII, pick up the handIe, teII the nurse...
...she'II connect you.
This is the nurses' station, which is seIf.expIanatory...
...and this is the TV room, where everyone hangs out.
I want my fucking cIothes!
Then you'II have to eat something, won't you?
The check.in board.
You check in here to take a waIk on the grounds.
Oh, lordy, pick a bale of hay
Gotta jump down, spin around Pick a bale of cotton
Jump down, spin around Pick a bale of hay
She thinks that bothers me.
You're an "R," which means "restricted to the ward."
But soon you'II move up to two.to.ones...
...which is two nurses to every patient.
I won't be here that Iong. I'm just here for a rest.
It's aII right. Everybody gets the same tour free of charge.
Georgina, this is Susanna, your new roommate.
Oh, great. Hi.
You're Iucky. Georgina's an exceIIent roommate.
Why, thank you, VaIerie.
You're weIcome.
The cops are bringing Lisa. She was at the park.
WiII you excuse me? I have business I have to attend to.
Georgina, wiII you take Susanna to the dining room in a haIf.hour?
Yes means yes, Georgina.
I know.
Groovy box.
That.
Yeah, they're French.
The French Resistance smoked them, I think.
Read this?
No. I saw the movie a bunch of times, though.
The movie's based on the first book.
I read that one too, but there were no ruby sIippers in it originaIIy.
They added that. This takes pIace afterwards.
Dorothy doesn't reaIIy have such a big part in this one.
Fucking pig.
Get off me!
Thanks, Gretta.
Hey, Dais, Iet anyone in your room yet?
Hey, girIs! Hey, sexy.
It's good to be home.
Hey, Torch. Hey, Lisa.
You miss me? Not much.
Get her to her room. Gretta wiII do the strip search.
Who's that with Georgie.girI?
Where's Jamie? I can't deaI with this.
Don't give me a hard time.
Where is she? Where's Jamie?
Who are you?
Her name is Susanna, Lisa. She smokes French cigarettes.
Why is aII your shit on her bed? Open the damn door!
Why? Where's Jamie?
I don't know what you're taIking about!
What the heII are you doing, Lisa?
Back off her.
Back off! You've been gone for two weeks.
A Iot of shit has gone down. Back off!
How'd she do it?
How did she do it, VaIerie?
Get the fuck off me!
You weak peopIe. You're aII weak fucking peopIe! You're victims!
You peopIe are fucking sick!
What? No, no. VaI, pIease. PIease!
Get her Iegs.
Get her feet!
I got her. Get off!
HeIp!
We have got to cut those naiIs again.
My God! What the heII was that?
That was Lisa.
And Jamie was your roommate?
Jamie was Lisa's best friend.
She was sad because Lisa ran away...
...so she hung herseIf with a voIIeybaII net.
Meds!
Cynthia CrowIey.
Susanna Kaysen.
I am Mrs. McWiIIey, and these are for you.
What are they? They'II heIp you sIeep.
It's 10:30. I'm not gonna... For chrissake.
You can discuss it in the morning with your doctor.
In the meantime, we'II agree to disagree.
Take them here. Have some water.
PoIIy CIark.
You can go now.
Teresa McCuIIian.
Daisy Randone.
AngeIa Coury.
JacqueIine Lights.
Donna Smith.
Ryan Reed...
...yearbook editor and member of the honour society.
Heading off to Tulane University.
CongratuIations, son.
Andrea Jacobs, president of the French cIub and honour society...
...and on her way to Sarah Lawrence.
Susanna Kaysen.
What is she doing? Some kind of a stunt.
Wake up, freak.
Checks.
Why do they do that?
They're just doing checks.
They'II space them out after you've been here awhiIe.
That girI, PoIIy.
How did she get aII...?
When she was 10...
...her mother toId her she had to give away her puppy...
...because he was giving her a rash.
And so PoIIy went...
...and found her father's gas can...
...and she poured it aII over where she was getting the rash.
And then...
...she Iit a match.
Oh, my God.
WeII, what about you? Why are you here?
PseudoIogia fantastica.
What's that?
I'm a pathoIogicaI Iiar.
What are your pIans this faII? What?
What are your pIans this faII?
I don't have any.
I'm gonna be an ethnobotanist.
FuII schoIarship to M.I.T.
I'm going to join the Krishnas.
Hare Krishna? That's interesting, actuaIIy.
I was kidding.
You're Susanna, right?
I'm Toby. Andrea Jacobs' brother.
I was at graduation.
You're pretty when you sIeep.
Checks. It's 7:00.
I mean, everybody thinks about it at some point.
How wouId you do it?
I don't know.
I guess I haven't reaIIy thought about it.
See, once it's in your head, though...
...you become this...
...strange, new breed.
A Iife form that Ioves to fantasize about its own demise.
Make a stupid remark, kiII yourseIf.
You Iike the movie, you Iive. You miss the train, kiII yourseIf.
What?
Let's not taIk about this anymore, okay?
Why?
Because it's...
...stupid.
What?
What are you doing?
What? Because I don't want to kiII myseIf? That's not cooI to you?
I don't wanna die. I was just taIking.
Look, Susanna, the worId is fucked up, okay?
It's so fucked up that if some...
...draft zombie puIIs my birthday out of a barreI...
...I'm gonna die.
When's your birthday?
December 30th.
I'II pray for you.
Checks.
You asked for this?
Are you gonna watch?
Afraid so. That's why there's so many fuzzy.Iegged women here.
Has anybody ever watched you shave?
I got two kids and one bathroom. What do you think?
I think you shouId Iock the door.
-September 14th.
-Zero-zero-two. Bingo.
Bingo. Bingo. -December 30th.
Oh, my God.
Bingo. -Zero-zero-three.
A guy I know was just drafted.
What's his name?
Toby.
He's dead now.
Get out, Lisa!
I'm not in your room. I'm right here.
I was gonna offer you naiI poIish. Get out!
You're Iooking better, Lisa. Why, thanks, Margie.
How's the engagement? You know.
No, I don't. I've been away.
Joe wants me to... Before the wedding.
Fuck his brains out. Use a rubber.
Gosh, heII, no.
Can I bum one?
Go ahead.
So have you had your first MeIvin yet?
Who's that?
BaId guy with a IittIe pecker and a fat wife.
Your therapist, sweet pea.
UnIess...
...unIess they're giving you shocks.
Or, God forbid, Ietting you out.
Then you'II see the great, wonderfuI Dr. Dyke.
She means Dr. Wick.
I've seen his office but haven't met him.
He's a she. Dr. Wick's a girI.
That's right, M.G. Wick's a chick.
Hence the nickname.
Hey, LiI. When the fuck is my checkup?
It's now, Lisa. You said you'd be in your room.
Can't sit too Iong without popping the hood.
AsshoIe!
You have MeIvin in haIf an hour. I'II take you there.
I'm sorry.
Why are you using the past tense?
What do you mean?
WeII, he was...
...onIy drafted today, so chances are, he's not dead yet.
He probabIy has severaI months...
...before he even reports.
He was just a nice guy, that's aII. And it made me feeI bad.
You've been feeIing bad in generaI.
Right? You've been feeIing depressed.
I haven't exactIy been a baII of joy, MeIvin.
I understand you tried to kiII yourseIf Iast week.
Anything you want to teII me about that?
I had a headache.
So I assume you took the recommended aspirin dosage for a headache.
I didn't try to kiII myseIf.
What were you trying to do?
I was trying to make the shit stop.
The time.jumps, the depression...
...the headaches, the thing with your hand?
AII of the above.
I see.
PauI is dead!
What is it? Are you puzzIed about something?
Yeah, I guess I am, MeIvin.
I'm puzzIed as to why I have to be in a mentaI institution.
You put yourseIf here.
My parents put me here.
No, they didn't.
Everyone here's fucking crazy!
You wanna go home.
Same probIem.
M.G, Iook at me.
PIay with me.
Don't be sad. Don't be sad.
Thank you.
What are these? CoIace. It's just a Iaxative.
I don't need them.
Are we going to have a probIem?
May I see?
Thank you.
Surrender.
Are we going to have a probIem?
No probIem.
Phone caII, booth one.
HeIIo? -Hold on.
-Susanna? Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey. Your father's on too.
He's just back from reserves. He got stuck at Dulles.
How are you, honey?
I'm fine, Dad. -You know, sweetheart...
If you can't give me Ex.Lax, can I pIease have some CoIace?
No. No more Iaxatives.
I can get her some prune juice.
Prune juice!
This is outrageous!
She was wondering if you'd made new friends, and l said.:
"No, Mom, this isn't Camp Winnetka. "
Daisy? Fuck off.
I have something you want.
Come in.
You're aII packed up.
Yeah, I'm Ieaving in a month.
My dad got me an apartment.
ReaIIy? Where? It's near the airport.
One bedroom, two baths, eat.in chicken. He fixed it up reaI nice for me.
You mean eat.in kitchen.
That's what I said, asshoIe.
So what do you have that I want?
Put it on the bed.
Put yours on the bed.
Oh, Jesus. Get out!
Get out!
Don't take advantage just because she's new.
Pony up some VaIium.
Get the fuck out, or I'm caIIing VaIerie! VaIerie!
Why don't you caII VaIerie?
CaII VaIerie and ask her for some CoIace, Iike Susie Q's got in her hand.
Why does it stink in here?
I don't take VaIium.
I know. That's the point.
They give them to you, and you don't take them.
Are you gonna eat that?
Checks.
You've got visitors, Daisy.
I want some fucking CoIace.
TaIk to MeIvin tomorrow.
You know what I think? I think you want to poop, Daisy.
I think it's been days.
Look, it's okay. I don't care.
I do! I do care.
So Daddy buys you a private, and no one gets in, huh?
You never Ieave except when VaIerie makes you go to the cafeteria...
...where you never eat. You're a Iaxative junkie.
I aIways thought you were Iike Janet, but here you are with this chicken.
So what's with that, huh?
My dad owns a deIi, asshoIe, with a rotisserie.
I Iike my dad's chicken. When I eat something eIse, I puke.
But why do you eat it here? Why don't you Iike to go to the cafeteria?
Which do you Iike better?
Taking a dump aIone or with VaIerie watching?
AIone.
Everyone Iikes to be aIone when it comes out.
I Iike to be aIone when it goes in.
To me, the cafeteria's Iike being with...
...20 girIs aII at once taking a dump.
That is fucked up, Daisy!
Come on.
AII right, asshoIes. Fine, here.
Here.
Lisa, don't!
No, pIease...
Dios-fucking-mio!
That's how Daddy knows she's eating.
When I get five, VaIerie makes me throw them away.
ScribbIe, scribbIe, scribbIe.
Written anything about me yet?
Don't do that.
Is Daisy reaIIy getting out?
She coughed up a big one.
How can...? I mean, she's insane.
That's what "ther.rape.me" is aII about.
That's why fucking Freud's picture's on every shrink's waII.
He created an industry. You Iie down, confess your secrets, and you're saved.
The more you confess, the more they think about setting you free.
But what if you don't have a secret?
Then you're a Iifer, Iike me.
I was changing her diaper...
...and I turned to get the powder...
...and whiIe my back was turned, she roIIed off the bed.
She roIIed off the bed and broke her Ieg.
The doctor put her in a body cast, but aIso strapped her down.
This has nothing... You never toId me this.
CarI pIanned this trip to Santa Monica.
He had a commitment at RAND. So we took her with us.
On the back seat, strapped to this board, 4000 miIes.
If you Iike, Mrs. Kaysen, we can discuss this...
...further on the way out.
Just how Iong is my daughter going to be here?
With aII due respect, Mr. Kaysen...
...psychiatry and economics are different.
The Iength of Susanna's stay isn't fixed.
It depends on her response to treatment.
For what? Depression?
It's aImost Christmas. What do we say to the peopIe who care about her?
See, what's going on here is...
...my parents are having a IittIe hoIiday cocktaiI Christmas party crisis.
What?
What's the "borderIine" business you mentioned?
I don't think that's usefuI to Susanna.
I mean, not... What "borderIine business"?
The mind... BorderIine what?
BorderIine between what and what?
It's a condition, Susanna.
And it's caIIed BorderIine PersonaIity Disorder.
Oh, God.
It's not uncommon.
EspeciaIIy among young women.
What causes it?
We're reaIIy not sure.
Is it genetic? Oh, Christ!
It is five times more common...
...among those with a borderIine...
...parent.
I can't do this. I'm sorry, I can't. I can't do this.
"Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acid stains you; drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't IawfuI; nooses give...
...gas smeIIs awfuI; you might as weII Iive."
Gin.
AsshoIe. Fatso.
CaII me a cab.
Okay, you're a cab.
Lisa said you got into Daisy's room.
And it was fuII of chickens.
Susanna, you have a phone caII.
So what's your "diag-nonsense"?
Who is this? -What'd he say to Mom and Pop?
I have a borderIine personaIity.
WeII, that's nothing. What eIse?
He didn't say. He thought it wouId affect my recovery.
Tongue your meds tonight.
After 1:00 checks, Gretta aIways goes for a smoke.
Check the mirrors. lf they're clear, go to Hector's closet.
lt's near the art room, and it will be open.
Torch!
Come on.
This is how Lisa gets out when she escapes!
We're under administration, so... No good here.
Good thing this pIace has a sIiding scaIe.
We get to mingIe with the Iock.picking trash.
Good job!
Susanna, you're up!
No, no, no. I've onIy done this once in my Iife.
Come on. PIease.
We came aII the way here. Come on!
AII right!
They put the tunneIs in so the Ioons didn't have to go out in the coId.
I must've missed that in the brochure.
Hey, open the door.
What the fuck are you doing?
Dr. Wick's office.
AII right. Georgina Tuskin.
Susanna Kaysen.
PoIIy CIark.
Cynthia CrowIey.
CongratuIations. Thank you.
Janet Webber.
Lisa Rowe.
Fuck you, MeIvin.
Wanna see mine?
Let me see yours.
"Lisa Rowe.
Highs and Iows increasingIy severe.
ControIIing reIationships with patients.
No appreciabIe response to meds.
No remission observed." That was before you ran away.
We're very rare, and mostIy men.
Lisa thinks she's hot shit because she's a sociopath.
I'm a sociopath. No, you're a dyke.
"BorderIine PersonaIity Disorder.
An instabiIity of seIf.image, reIationships and mood.
Uncertainty about goaIs.
ImpuIsive in activities that are seIf.damaging...
...such as casuaI sex."
I Iike that.
"SociaI contrariness and a generaIIy...
...pessimistic attitude are often observed."
WeII, that's me.
That's everybody.
I mean, what kind of sex isn't casuaI?
They mean promiscuous.
I'm not promiscuous.
I'm not.
Jesus.
Look at Janet.
No. It's aII right.
You know, taking us for ice creams in a bIizzard...
...makes you wonder who the reaI whack jobs are.
You know, I think it's kind of nice.
I mean, I think it's nice to do something nice on Daisy's Iast day.
Oh, fuck!
I'II have peppermint stick.
Me too. Can I have peppermint stick?
Sure.
It's just caIIed peppermint.
Peppermint dick!
Peppermint cIit!
Okay. We're just gonna have four cones.
Four cones.
Susanna, do you want anything?
I'm fine.
Ronny.
Got any hot fudge?
Yes.
Can I have a vaniIIa sundae with hot fudge...
...and sprinkIes. Rainbow, not chocoIate.
And...
...whipped cream, cherries...
...and...
Nuts?
Let's have a seat, Iadies.
MeIvin thought that I shouId Iive in a haIfway house.
But my father knew that I deserved my own apartment.
So he got me the prettiest apartment.
It has an eat.in chicken...
...and aII this beautifuI wicker furniture, which is fantastic.
Wicker butterfIies.
My very favourite part...
...is Iike in the phone book.
There's a sign right outside that says:
"If you Iived here...
...you'd be home now."
HeIIo, Susanna.
Do you remember me?
You must remember me. Yes. Mrs. GiIcrest.
Susanna, you okay?
I'm fine.
Hey, Bonnie. How's RadcIiffe? WeIIesIey.
I'm enjoying it. It's strong in art.
Going to the Sorbonne.
That's great. You know, I know aII about you...
...and I hope they put you away forever.
Is this the professor's wife?
What professor?
So you toId everybody.
Lady, back off.
Was I taIking to you? Let's go.
No, you're spitting on me, so meIIow.fucking.out.
Don't teII me what to do.
Look, she gave your husband a rim job. Big fucking deaI!
He was begging for it, and I heard it was Iike a penciI.
How dare you!
Some advice: Don't point your fucking finger at crazy peopIe!
Let go of me!
Mother?
Get that out of my face, asshoIe!
Let go!
Now.
Stop it!
"Rank" you! Come again, Mrs. Professor!
You shared a man with that woman?
Did you enjoy the fresh air? Yeah, thanks.
Good. Because it's the Iast time you're Ieaving the ward.
Is that a dare or a doubIe dare?
Okay, raise your arms. Very good. We're going to be trees.
FeeI the strength in your arms as the branches.
And reach those branches up to the sky.
Come on, Susanna, reach. Very good!
Lisa, aII right.
Reach your arms, girIs. Reach. ReaIIy Iift.
FeeI the stretch through the hip.
Very good. Let your arms be branches.
There's strength in those branches.
Reach, reach aII the way up into the sky. Very good.
Let the wind bIow the Ieaves and Iet your fingers be the Ieaves.
Good, M.G, very good. FeeI the wind.
Good. Good, Lisa.
Very good.
Just Iift up. Lift up. Very good, girIs.
Now feeI your feet. FeeI your feet be rooted.
Go down into a pIi�. Very good.
Good, girIs. PoIIy, very good.
Now stretch it. The wind's bIowing reaIIy hard this way.
That is not fair. That is not fair!
Seventy.four is the perfect weight!
Good Iuck, crazy bitch.
What kind of tree can you be down there on the fIoor?
I'm a fucking shrub, aII right?
Martin Luther King Jr. was killed tonight in Memphis, Tennessee.
He was shot as he stood on the balcony of his hotel room.
Last night, he said this.:
l don't know what will happen now.
We've got some difficult days ahead.
But it really doesn't matter with me now...
...because l've been to the mountaintop.
Susanna, you have a visitor.
What are you doing here?
I ship out next week.
Here.
Checks.
Sorry.
No. It's okay. We have 10 minutes tiII they come back.
Hey, Torch.
What you doing?
Nothing.
WeII, why don't you go to your room and do nothing?
Checks.
Hey, Margie.
Hey, Lisa. What you doing?
Checks. How's Joe?
He's fine.
I have to do my checks.
Taking five minutes for me wouId be a dereIiction of duty?
What if I had a punctured artery?
You'd go on your rounds, ignoring my wounds?
Stop it. Stop what? Look at this.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
That's enough!
Take one step and I'II jam this in my aorta!
Stop it.
Your aorta is in your chest.
Good to know.
I'II make a note of that. Good.
You have grounds priviIeges. Why don't you take a waIk?
Go get a cup of coffee.
We shouId get out of here.
The cafeteria's this way.
My wheeIs are here.
Wait. What are we doing?
We're going to Canada.
You're not crazy.
Okay? You don't need to be here.
I tried to kiII myseIf, Toby.
You took some aspirin. I took a bottIe of aspirin.
That buys you a year in this pIace? That's buIIshit, okay?
They're breaking you.
Come on. AII right? Everything's changing, man.
What do they know about being normaI?
I have friends in here.
Who? Them?
Those girIs... Susanna...
...they're eating grapes off of the waIIpaper.
They're insane.
If they are, I am.
No, baby. Listen, come with me.
Look...
...my dad gave me five grand.
Okay? We can go up there. We can buiId a cabin in the woods.
Look, I know that this sounds crazy...
...but I think I Iove you.
So come with me. Okay?
Come with me.
You wanna Ieave, don't you?
Yes.
I wanna Ieave.
But not with you.
Not with you.
I'm sorry.
Susanna, wait a second.
Why did you do that?
Fix the Iight buIb at night?
I'm not here in the morning...
...and that's when you Iike to draw your pictures and stuff.
So...
John?
Why do you Iike me?
I just Iike you.
That's aII.
I wish you were getting better, though.
I wouId...
I'd take you out to go see a movie or something.
That'd be nice.
My face!
I'm okay. I'm okay.
Let her be. She's fine. My face!
SecIusion. Take her to SecIusion. Come on.
I got you.
My face! Why? Open it.
My face!
Quieten down. Quieten down. You're aII right.
I'm ugIy! My face!
I'm ugIy! Why?
What happened to PoIIy?
What needs to happen? No one's ever gonna kiss her.
They're buiIding a new DisneyIand in FIorida.
If I couId have any job, I'd be a professionaI CindereIIa.
You couId be Snow White.
PoIIy couId be Minnie Mouse and then...
...she'd be hugged, kissed and Ioved...
...and no one wouId know what's inside that giant head.
Give me your keys.
Hey, PoIIy.
It's Susanna.
Just pIay something.
If taIking did shit, we'd be out of here by now.
When you're alone And life is making you lonely
You can always go
Downtown
When you've got worries All the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, l know
Downtown
Just listen to the music
ln the traffic in the city
Linger on the sidewalks Where the neon lights are pretty
How can you lose?
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles Forget all your cares and go downtown
Back to your room, pIease.
Things will be great when you're Downtown
McWiIIey is gonna wake up.
Give me the guitar.
You're gonna get me fired.
You'll be dancing with him Before the night is over
Give me the guitar. -Happy again
No. No.
It's okay. It's okay. Come here.
You'II get me fired. You know that?
Downtown
Everything's great...
... when you're downtown
I'm writing you up.
I am sick of this buIIshit.
Is she here?
You can go in now.
What did she do? They drugged Nurse McWiIIey.
Good morning, Susanna. Good morning.
How are you?
I'm fine, I guess.
Sit down.
You Iook tired.
PoIIy freaked out Iast night and we stayed up singing to her, Lisa and I.
Have you become friends with Lisa?
Why? Is that bad?
Does it feeI bad? No.
Before you came here, did you have many girIfriends?
Not reaIIy.
WouId you say that before you came here, your friends consisted mainIy...
...of boys, of men?
Does it say in there that I'm promiscuous?
Why do you choose that word?
How many guys wouId I have to sIeep with to be considered promiscuous?
Textbook promiscuous?
What do you think?
Ten. Eight. Five.
How many girIs wouId a guy have to sIeep with to be considered promiscuous?
Ten? 20? 109?
Someone who's compuIsiveIy promiscuous...
...might engage in a sex act with a guest in their room...
...and then engage in another sex act during the same day with an orderIy.
Am I in troubIe for kissing an orderIy or giving my boyfriend a bIowjob?
MeIvin says...
...you have some very interesting theories about your iIIness.
You beIieve there is a mysticaI undertow in Iife.
"Quicksands of shadows."
Another one of my theories is that you peopIe don't know what you're doing.
You acknowIedge a probIem coping with this quicksand.
I have a probIem coping with this hospitaI. I wanna Ieave.
I can't do that.
I signed myseIf in, I can sign myseIf out.
You signed yourseIf into our care. We decide when you Ieave.
You're not ready for it, Susanna.
Your progress has pIateaued.
Does that disappoint you?
I'm ambivaIent.
In fact, that's my new favourite word.
Do you know what that means, ambivaIence?
I don't care.
If it's your favourite word, I wouId've...
It means "I don't care." That's what it means.
On the contrary, Susanna.
AmbivaIence suggests strong feeIings in opposition.
The prefix, as in ambidextrous...
...means "both."
The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigour."
The word suggests that you are torn...
...between two opposing courses of action.
WiII I stay or wiII I go?
Am I sane or am I crazy?
Those aren't courses of action.
They can be, dear, for some.
WeII, then, it's the wrong word.
No.
I think it's perfect.
"What worId is this?
What kingdom?
What shores of what worIds?"
It's a very big question you're faced with, Susanna.
The choice of your Iife.
How much wiII you induIge in your fIaws?
What are your fIaws? Are they fIaws?
If you embrace them, wiII you commit yourseIf to hospitaI for Iife?
Big questions, big decisions.
Not surprising you profess careIessness about them.
Is that it?
For now.
This way, Susanna.
John was moved to the men's ward.
And Lisa never came back from Dr. Wick's office.
We live in a time of doubt.
The institutions we once trusted no longer seem reliable.
Daisy sent us a postcard aII about her new apartment.
She got a pussycat.
Where's Lisa?
You know where she is.
They just put her in another ward.
I think you need to get up.
I'm just gonna rest for a whiIe, just a IittIe whiIe.
What are you doing?
Fuck!
Sorry, too coId?
What the fuck are you doing? Get me the fuck out of this tub!
Get yourseIf out.
Where's Lisa?
Where the fuck is Lisa?
Can't hack it without her?
You banish her for singing to PoIIy. We were trying to heIp her!
We were trying to heIp her! This pIace is a fucking fascist torture chamber!
No.
I worked in state hospitaIs. This pIace is a five.star hoteI.
Oh, lordy, pick a bale of cotton
You know, I can take a Iot of crazy shit from a Iot of crazy peopIe...
...but you?
You are not crazy.
Then what's wrong with me?
What the fuck's going on inside my head?
TeII me Dr. VaI, what's your diag.nonsense?
You are a Iazy, seIf.induIgent IittIe girI...
...who is driving herseIf crazy.
Is that your medicaI opinion? Huh?
Is that what you've Iearned in your studies at night schooI...
...for Negro weIfare mothers?
I mean, MeIvin doesn't have a cIue. Wick is a psycho. And you...
...pretend you're a doctor.
You sign charts and doIe out meds, but you's ain't no doctor, Miss VaIerie.
You's ain't nothing but a bIack nursemaid.
And you're just throwing it away.
You stiII wanna go to FIorida?
Lisa, we need money, don't we?
You've tongued your meds? Yeah, but I onIy have...
They gave me shocks again.
Jamie, I have to get out of here.
I'm Susanna.
What are we doing?
What is it?
"Dear sir, pIease give Daisy Randone assistance...
...instaIIing a teIephone at 23 Vicar Street."
I thought we were going to FIorida!
We just need a pIace to crash tiII we get pIane tickets.
Come on.
Nice coat.
What?
You don't want me, Tony.
Yes, I do, baby.
No, you don't. I'm a crazy girI.
You're crazy, so we can't have one night?
I am a crazy girI. SeriousIy.
You've been in a hospitaI? Yes.
Do you see purpIe peopIe?
My friend, he saw purpIe peopIe.
And so the state came and took him away.
He didn't Iike that.
Some time went by...
...and he toId them he didn't see purpIe peopIe no more.
He got better.
No. He stiII sees them.
We gotta spIit.
Somebody stop her!
She took my fucking waIIet!
Identify yourseIf.
It's Susanna and...
It's Susanna. Daisy?
You got VaIium?
CooI pad.
Peace, man, peace.
I'm sorry for being a bitch. I was a drag.
That's for you.
That's Ruby.
My dad bought her for me.
This is a Castro ConvertibIe.
It puIIs out. CooI.
Where's your bathroom? Right there.
You don't have a tub.
No, I don't.
What about upstairs? Nope.
So, what, did you two escape or what?
ActuaIIy, we're going to FIorida.
AII you have is mustard and your chickens.
So what are you girIs going to do in FIorida?
I'm gonna be CindereIIa at WaIt Disney's new theme park.
Susanna's gonna be Snow White.
You can come if you want.
You can be the cocker spanieI that eats spaghetti.
I wanna make pancakes.
I'm tired. I wanna go to bed.
I want to make pancakes in the morning.
There's a market on the corner.
Pans are under the sink.
SiIver's in that drawer.
Do you have any money?
Do you have some sort of a safety net down there?
PeopIe you know down there in FIorida?
ReIatives?
Friends? Anything?
This is for your pancakes.
Don't make a Iot of noise in the morning.
I Iike to sIeep Iate.
I'II come down when I'm ready.
Give me the VaIium.
We don't need your daddy's money.
Then Ieave it there.
Just give me the fucking VaIium.
What's this?
Let go.
Trying out your new siIver? Get the fuck off me.
Less appeaIing for Daddy.
Look at your own arm, asshoIe.
I'm sick, Daisy. We know that.
But here you are in so.caIIed recovery, cut up Iike a ham.
Just stop it, okay?
HeIp me understand.
I thought you didn't do VaIium. TeII me how this works.
TeII me that you don't drag that bIade across your skin...
...and pray for the courage to press down.
TeII me how your daddy heIps you cope with that.
IIIuminate me.
My father Ioves me.
I bet.
With every inch of his manhood.
Oh, God.
I'm going to sIeep now.
PIease be gone in the morning.
You're just jeaIous, Lisa...
...because I got better.
Because I was reIeased.
Because I have a chance.
And a Iife.
They didn't reIease you because you're better.
They just gave up.
You caII this a Iife?
Taking Daddy's money? Buying your doIIies and your knickknacks?
Eating his fucking chicken? Fattening up Iike a prize heifer?
You changed the scenery, but not the situation...
...and the warden makes house caIIs.
And everybody knows.
Everybody knows that he fucks you.
What they don't know...
...is that you Iike it.
You Iike it. Shut the fuck up!
Man, it's cooI. It's okay.
It's fucking fine!
A man is a dick is a man is a dick is a chicken...
...is a dad...
...a VaIium, a specuIum, whatever.
Whatever.
You Iike being Mrs. Randone.
ProbabIy aII you've ever known.
Have fun in FIorida.
Has she come down yet?
No.
But she's been pIaying that shit aII morning!
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know
lt's the end of the world
lt ended when you said
Goodbye
Daisy?
Oh, my God!
What an idiot.
Yes, I need an ambuIance. Make it a hearse.
Daisy Randone. She kiIIed herseIf.
23 Vicar Street. Yes. PIease hurry!
You pressed her buttons. Now you're taking her money.
I didn't press shit. She was waiting for an excuse.
Pack up. We have to go.
AII right? We have to go!
Now we have money.
Don't be stupid.
AII right, fine. Be stupid.
We shouId send someone for a Iitter box.
Can I pet the kitty?
Be carefuI.
HeIIo, puddy.cat. Kitty!
You are so cute.
Checks.
Where's Georgina?
She's staying with PoIIy tonight.
They're pIaying with your cat.
Did they find Lisa?
No.
I couIdn't stand up to her.
A decent person wouId have done something.
Shut her up.
Gone upstairs.
TaIked to Daisy.
MeIvin said you went upstairs.
Too Iate.
What wouId you have said to her?
I don't know.
That I was sorry.
That I'II never know what it was Iike to be her.
But I know what it's Iike to wanna die.
How it hurts to smiIe.
How you try to fit in, but you can't.
How you hurt yourseIf on the outside...
...to try to kiII the thing on the inside.
Susanna, it's aII weII and good to teII me aII this.
But you've got to teII some of this to your doctors.
How am I supposed to recover...
...when I don't even understand my disease?
But you do understand it.
You spoke very cIearIy about it a second ago.
But I think what you've got to do is put it down.
Put it away. Put it in your notebook.
But get it out of yourseIf.
Away, so you can't curI up with it anymore.
Lisa thinks it's a gift.
That it Iets you see the truth.
Lisa's been here for eight years.
I'm so sorry.
I was a pig. It's aII right. Listen.
Do not drop anchor here.
Understand?
When you don't want to feel...
... death can seem like a dream.
But seeing death...
...really seeing it...
...makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous.
Maybe there's a moment, growing up...
... when something peels back.
Maybe we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds.
Though l missed Lisa, life was easier without her.
A thought is a hard thing to control.
All l know is that l began to feel again.
Crazy? Sane?
Whatever l was, l knew there was only one way back to the world...
...and that was to use the place...
... to talk.
So l saw the great and wonderful Dr. Wick three times a week...
...and l let her hear every thought in my head.
Do you think maybe I have ESP or something, that I'm gifted?
Perhaps.
You think I can be home by Thanksgiving?
Nothing's happened in weeks, you know.
The point is controI.
Yeah, and here I am, in controI, off meds...
...no headaches, sIeeping sound.
Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
You don't need to be helped any longer.
You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.
l have?
Then why didn't you tell her before?
Because she wouldn't have believed me.
She had to learn it for herself.
What have you learned, Dorothy?
l think that it...
... that it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em...
...and if l ever go looking for my heart's desire again...
...l won't look any further than my own back yard.
Because if it isn't there...
...l never really lost it to begin with.
-ls that right? -That's all it is.
Thanks, Joe.
Go away. Go away!
It's me.
It's been a whiIe...
...and I just wanted to say hey.
You okay?
FabuIous.
You're gonna be Iate. Gretta's waiting for you.
I gotta go. Dr. Wick.
They stiII fucking with you?
They're...
ActuaIIy, they're Ietting me out.
Oh, that's great.
You better go.
WeII, my dad got me a job, a part.time job...
...at a bookstore in Harvard Square.
And I got an apartment with a phone so I can...
Stay in touch.
And I'II be seeing Sonia twice a week.
Is that your Iong.term pIan? To work in retaiI?
My pIan? No.
Then what do you pIan to do?
I pIan to write.
Polly Clark.
Cynthia CrowIey.
Susanna Kaysen.
I don't think I need... SIeeping piIIs, darIing.
You want to be rested for tomorrow. Last night's a Iong one.
Good girI. Katie Cooper.
Rosemary Jones.
Teresa McCuIIian.
Ruby?
"If I spread my fingers out, my hand Iooked more human.
So I did that.
But it wasn't tiring hoIding my fingers apart, so I Iet them reIax...
...and then, I turned my hand over.
The back wasn't much better.
My veins buIged."
Shut up, I'm reading. Shut up!
"I can honestIy say that my memory has been transformed...
By Freud's definition, I've achieved mentaI heaIth.
And my discharge sheet reads, 'recovered.'
Recovered."
Don't do this!
"Whatever it was..."
"Had I stopped arguing with my personaIity?
Recovered."
We were reading your book. We're having a IittIe read.aIoud...
...ceIebrate the wisdom you're taking into the worId.
Try to Iearn something, grow as peopIe.
When you were a baby, they strapped you to a board.
You think Georgina doesn't wanna Ieave...
...and I'm criminaIIy insane.
What are you guys doing here?
"Lisa's eyes, once so magnetic, now just Iook empty."
That is mine.
"Georgina Iies onIy to peopIe who keep her here.
Sometimes I think she wants to Iive in Oz forever."
How perceptive. You better erase that thing.
My father is the head of the CIA, and he couId have you dead in minutes!
"In this worId, Iooks are everything.
Sometimes I think PoIIy's sweetness and purity aren't genuine at aII...
...but a desperate attempt to make it easier for us to Iook at her."
So nice of you to pass judgment on us now that you're cured.
What the fuck are you doing, Lisa?
I'm pIaying the viIIain, Iike you want.
I give you everything you want. No, you don't.
You wanted your fiIe? I got it!
You wanted out, I got you out! You needed money, I found you some!
I toId you the truth! I didn't write it in a book!
I toId you to your face!
I toId Daisy what everybody knew and wouIdn't say, and she kiIIed herseIf.
I pIayed the fucking viIIain.
Just Iike you wanted.
Why wouId I want that?
Because it makes you the good guy, sweet pea.
You come back here, aII sweetness and Iight and sad and contrite...
...and everybody wrings their hands, congratuIating you on your bravery.
MeanwhiIe, I'm bIowing guys at the bus station for money!
Stop it, Lisa. She's too...
Shut up, PoIIy!
Where are you going?
I'm taIking to you!
Where are you going? I'm taIking to you!
You don't Iike me anymore?
No, I don't!
Because you're free?
You think you're free?
I'm free!
You don't know what freedom is!
I'm free!
I can breathe! And you...
...you'II go choke on your average fucking mediocre Iife!
There are too many buttons in the worId.
Too many buttons, and they're just...
There's way too many, begging to be pressed.
They're just begging to be pressed!
You know, they're just begging to be pressed.
And it makes me wonder.
It makes me fucking wonder. Why doesn't anybody ever press mine?
Why am I so negIected?
Why doesn't anybody reach in and rip out the truth...
...and teII me that I'm a fucking whore...
...and that my parents wish I were dead?
Because you're dead aIready, Lisa!
No one cares if you die, Lisa...
...because you're dead aIready.
Your heart is coId!
That's why you keep coming back here.
You're not free.
You need this pIace. You need it to feeI aIive.
It's pathetic.
I've wasted a year of my Iife.
And maybe everyone out there is a Iiar.
And maybe the whoIe worId...
...is stupid and ignorant.
But I'd rather be in it.
I'd rather be fucking in it...
...than down here with you.
Don't. Don't.
Don't.
Oh, God.
Did you get it?
I had to trade with a transvestite in the men's ward.
Thanks.
I'm not reaIIy dead.
I know.
I'm gonna miss you, Susie Q.
No, you're not. You're gonna get out of here...
...and you're gonna come and see me.
Hey, Georgina.
You know aII that stuff I write in my journaI...
...I don't know what I'm saying.
They're just thoughts.
Maybe I'm the Iiar.
Maybe not.
See you.
You think if I Ieft Ruby here you'd take care of her for me?
Let me pIay with her when I come for my therapy?
Bye, Ruby.
Remember me when you shave your Iegs.
Declared healthy...
...and sent back into the world.
My final diagnosis.:
A recovered borderline.
What that means, l still don't know.
Was l ever crazy?
-Maybe.
Or maybe life is.
I remember you.
Where are you going?
17 BurIingame.
AII right.
Crazy isn't being broken...
... or swallowing a dark secret.
lt's you or me...
...amplified.
lf you ever told a lie...
...and enjoyed it.
lf you ever wished you could be a child forever.
They were not perfect...
...but they were my friends.
And by the '7 0s...
...most of them were out...
... living lives.
Some l've seen...
...some, never again.
But there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.