Uh-huh.
Red. Red.
Cousin Alice wants to know why Eric and Donna's wedding is off.
Well, just tell her what your son did.
Oh, now he's my son,
just like when he told us he wanted to be a jazz dancer.
Well, he's our son, Red.
No son of mine would humiliate his family by running off on his fiancee.
Alice,
the wedding is off because Eric is
gay.
You're right. Everybody knew except him.
Eric is a mental midget.
And you know what else? He runs like a girl.
Bob, you run like a girl.
Only when I'm scared of something.
Honey, I'm sure Eric has a good explanation.
On the several occasions I didn't show up for one of my weddings,
I always called to say I had appendicitis.
Well, Eric's not here, my little girl's unhappy,
and I want to punch somebody.
Bob, you don't want to fight.
I've known you for a long time, and I know what you really want
is a piece of cake.
A piece of cake, Kitty?
My daughter is devastated, and you offer me cake?
You just tell me one thing, is it chocolate?
Devil's food. I can have it on the table in less than a minute.
Let's do that, then.
Okay, guys, Donna's on her way over,
and she knows we all know why Eric left, and she wants some answers.
Well, I'm not gonna tell her.
Give Donna bad news and she hits.
She wasn't on the boys' JV wrestling team for nothing.
Okay, well, I can't do it.
The last person a girl wants to hear bad news from is a woman who has it all.
Well, you can count me out. I won't face a girl when I ditch her.
I'm not gonna do it when somebody else does.
Well, I'm not telling her, either.
I don't want my personal parts damaged.
I mean, they're practically brand-new.
Well, in a deadlock such as this, we're forced to turn to our judicial code,
which clearly states that in the event of bad news being delivered
in reference to a canceled wedding, the foreigner does it.
Ah, yes. The Immigration Conversation Act.
Where the hell is Eric and why did he do this to me?
Um... Okay...
Eric was afraid getting married and staying here was a mistake.
You know, because you would be giving up your dream of traveling the world
and becoming a ball-breaking feminist.
- Jackie, don't push! - You don't push, you stupid...
Hey, hey. Hey! Knock it off before Fez gets hurt.
Look, I just want to say that we're all really sorry.
How could Eric ditch me the night before our wedding without saying one word?
Look, would it make you feel better if I told you Eric left a note?
- He left a note? - No.
But you should hold on to that feeling.
♪ Hanging out
♪ Down the street
♪ The same old thing
♪ We did last week
♪ Not a thing to do
♪ But talk to you
♪ We're all all right
♪ We're all all right ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
Eric, what a dink, right?
You know, I had to call everybody and tell them the wedding's off.
The only good thing is,
there's a rumor going around that he's gay.
Which is nice.
Look, man, I mean, I know you're mad,
but, you know, Forman was trying to do the right thing.
He just did it in the wrong way.
Yeah, but, Hyde, I don't care why he did it.
I mean, I can't ever forgive him.
When I called my mom, I just cried and cried.
Really? I can't see you crying.
I've seen Forman crying. He does a lot of,
"Shut up! I'm not crying."
I want to be mad. Don't make me laugh.
Oh, my God! Hyde, are you okay?
I'm too old for this crap!
Why am I stronger than all the guys I hang out with?
You look dorky.
Hyde, I am so sorry.
I don't know my own strength.
I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from JV wrestling.
You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.
Hey, look at the bright side.
Now, I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom
instead of climbing up a tree
where there's no place to put my juice box.
Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower.
So, I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo,
and I think to myself, "You know what?
"You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna."
And then I think, "No,"
because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time.
But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.
Steven, I heard what happened.
- And you brought me flowers? - No, these are for me.
My boyfriend fell off the water tower.
So, what, Donna? You're alone and you want me to be alone, too?
Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later.
Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
I don't need that baby crap.
Look at all this glorious wedding food.
Do you, Fez, take this pizza roll?
I do.
You know what part of falling off the water tower I like?
The part right after you fall until the part where you hit the ground.
Yeah, yeah! And then that part right after you crash
- where you're just kind of vibrating there? - Oh, yeah.
That was cool, too.
Yeah, and the second time you fall, it'll be even better,
'cause you know what to expect.
You know, so you can enjoy it, like, do a flip or something.
A flip would be awesome!
Man, I'm so glad you fell off the water tower.
Look at this.
Eric's gone, and I'm left with the flying Stupid-Ass-Insky brothers.
Mom?
- Midge! - Midge!
You sounded so sad on the phone, I just had to come.
We missed you so much.
All right. All right. Donna, quit hogging your mom!
I know something very interesting about someone we know very well.
No, no. None of your supermarket gossip.
If half of what you say is true, everybody in this town would have VD.
Well, I was going over Steven's file when he was at the hospital,
and you know his father?
I believe I had the pleasure of him writing me a hot check.
Of course, in his defense, he was drunk.
Well, according to Steven's birth certificate,
that's not his father.
This is so exciting.
Steven has a different father that he doesn't know about.
Maybe a nice father, maybe a sober father.
Well, we don't want him to be entirely sober.
You know how those people are.
Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby.
Like now and I guess when she's born.
You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days,
I had quite the crush on you.
Even though I knew nothing could ever happen.
But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon,
if anything does happen, we got to keep it quiet.
Steven, you're late. Where... Midge!
Hey, what a surprise.
I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
- Midge, what are you doing here? - I came to see Donna.
Who's the amazon?
Oh. This is my, uh, friend.
Friend? I don't think so.
Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
I'm Midge, the second-best thing that ever happened to him.
Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Your mom is staying with us?
No, your mom is staying with us.
What about my mom?
Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?
Steven, we need to talk to you about something pretty important.
Look, whatever you found in my room was planted there.
- No. We... - What's in your room?
- Red, stay focused. - Yeah, stay focused.
All right, Steven, just for the record, I told her to mind her own business,
and then she said, "Fine, you can make your own dinner."
So, here we are.
No. No, no, no.
Steven, we found out that the man you think is your father
isn't really your father.
Your real father's name is William Barnett, and he lives in Milwaukee.
Oh, my God! Steven, this is so exciting!
You have a whole new family, which is great, because I hate your family.
Steven, I know you have a lot of feelings and emotions,
and maybe you want to cry.
We won't tell if you cry.
I'll tell.
Yeah, I don't like guys that cry.
Will you two please? Steven, are you okay?
Well, I don't really know the guy who's supposed to be my dad,
and obviously, I don't know this new guy,
so I don't really care.
But, Steven, you have to care.
What if your new dad is something amazing like a doctor
or the guy who owns the Love Boat?
That didn't go well.
What did you want to happen?
Well, I thought he would be happy to hear about his dad.
We'd all go to Milwaukee, and then his rich, new father
would be so thrilled to see him, he'd buy me a fur coat.
Bob, could you pass the syrup?
You're gonna give her the syrup?
The syrup we share every morning?
The syrup that stands for everything that we are as a man and a woman?
I was gonna,
but I won't.
I will later.
No, I won't.
- How's it going? - Your father's an ass.
Something we agree on.
It's not going that well.
Okay, I find this whole thing very disturbing.
I was left at the altar
and all I can think about is what's my dad doing,
who's he doing it with,
and if I walk through that door, am I gonna see it?
Well, whatever he's doing, he's doing with me,
and we're doing it everywhere, so knock.
So after we left, Steven said he didn't want to talk
about his new dad in Milwaukee, and he didn't.
And he wasn't not talking about it to be bitchy like I would.
He really didn't want to talk about it.
Well, I don't like the way he just walked out after we told him the news.
Why would he do that?
Because he's a man, Kitty.
And he knows you want him to cry, but he won't,
because crying is for babies and Italians.
And I think we all just need to stay out of his business.
Steven, you're all dressed up. Are you gonna propose?
No. I...
I thought I'd head out to Milwaukee.
- By yourself? - Yeah, I guess.
So, I'll see you guys later, then.
Well, we were just talking about going to Milwaukee
for their famous honey buns.
Well, you guys could come along, I guess.
Well, I'm... I'm sure in the mood for a honey bun.
And to see baby go home to his daddy!
So Midge wanted you to pass the syrup,
and Pam wouldn't let you.
That's interesting.
What do you think it means?
I think it means you got a shot at something
only rock stars and professional athletes get.
Free passes to Disneyland?
No, Fez, two ladies at the same time.
Screw Disneyland. That's a much better ride.
Think I could really keep both of them?
May I say from experience, when you're dealing with two ladies,
the end won't be pretty,
but the ride down is super fun.
I don't know what to do, Mom.
I mean, I always thought Eric and I would be together,
and he blew it.
Maybe you'll work it out.
Well, I don't want to work it out.
I want to push his face in the dirt like we did when we were kids.
You know what, I never should have stopped doing that.
Donna, just forgive him.
How? Give me one good reason.
Honey, I can't give you a rational reason.
There probably isn't one.
But if you love him, and you don't want to be without him,
you have to forgive him.
I was too hard-headed to forgive your father and I wish I had.
Oh, Midge.
- You want to take a walk? - Sure, I'll drive.
Did you see that? Maybe someone will have a happy ending.
And then another beginning and another ending, because he's got two ladies.
Bob Pinciotti, a street kid out of nowhere, gets a shot at the title.
You know what? He's like the Rocky of bagging two ladies.
It's a big day, meeting your father for the first time.
You bet.
A big day for my big guy, huh?
Mmm-hmm.
- So how you doing? - I'm fine.
You doing all right, baby?
Just quit. Stop. Stop.
Keep it down. This isn't your parole office.
- Mr. Barnett will see you now. - Okay. Okay. This is it.
Jackie, here's the camera.
Take a picture of Steven the minute he sees his father.
If he cries and you miss it, I will hurt you.
- Where's Steven? - He left.
Yeah. I saw him go and I didn't say anything on purpose.
All right, let's go. Come on.
Kitty!
I came all this way. I want my fur coat.
Who's there? Who's there? Who's there?
- Jeez, Donna, stop! - God.
I didn't know that was you.
You dirt bag! How could you do that? You just left me there!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I freaked out, okay?
I tried to talk to you about it,
but I couldn't, and I...
I didn't know what to do.
All I knew was that I...
Donna, I think we were about to make a huge mistake.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I had a bad feeling, too.
But here's the difference, I stayed!
Look, Donna, please.
Please forgive me.
I don't know.
I mean,
my mom said I should,
but I don't know.
Listen to me, I am so sorry.
Okay, whatever you want to do, we'll do, okay?
Just tell me what to do.
We'll figure it out tomorrow. Just get in.
Really?
♪ Won't you let me walk you home from school?
Thanks for coming back.
♪ Won't you let me meet you at the pool?
♪ If it's so, well, let me know
I just want to say,
that was beautiful.
♪ I won't make you ♪
What the...
Glad you're back.
Here's a bill for the wedding you didn't show up for.
$6,000?
Mmm-hmm. I added on a grand for pain and suffering.
Thanks, Daddy.
Buy yourself something nice with it.
I suggest a new boyfriend.
http://hiqve.com/