Hey Fez. Hey girl holding Fez's hand who I've never seen before in my life
- Everyone, meet Hilary, my girlfriend. - Hi guys!
Is she really your girlfriend Fez?
Or did you just find her wandering from a scene of an accident and... tell her she's your girlfriend?
No, this one's real. See, no scratches.
Uhm, a little privacy please.
You want privacy?
You spy on me and Randy all the time.
Donna, I like to watch.
I don't like being watched.
That is just creepy.
You know, creepy is when you open the closet door and throw a shoe at me
and tell me to get out of the way so that you can get a better view of Donna.
Hey. I'm looking for Samantha.
- Who are you? - I'm her husband.
Sam!
- Larry? - Samantha.
Uh, this guy just said he was your husband
which is a little off-putting because
I'm your husband.
I can explain this.
You're both my husband.
Wow, Hyde,
I bet when you married a stripper, this was not the kind of threesome you expected.
So when you and I got married, you were already married to another guy?
Sort of.
Sort of? There's no sort of a marriage.
When you say I do, you mean I do wanna marry you, not I do already have another husband.
Hey, everybody, Hyde's part of a boy harem.
Look, Hyde. Larry was a regular at the club and one day he asked me to marry him.
He said he'd rent me an apartment and buy me a Camaro, what was I supposed to say?
How about: "no...
you creepy-eighty-year old looser."
Hey, nobody talks to Larry Lenan like that.
- Shut up Larry! - Sorry.
Then I met you and I fell in love. I figured we'd just leave town and I'd never see him again.
Luckily for me, you kept using my credit card.
Which expires in a month. I got you a new one in the car.
So...
If she was married to him, before she married you, then you guys aren't even legally married.
Which means...
this is freaking hilarious!
Red,
I just heard some bad news. I run over to tell you.
Bob, you live next door. What are you panting?
I was going against the wind.
They are opening a Muffler Master right here in Point Place.
- What? - Oh, jeez.
My shop barely survives as it is.
Muffler Master is not going to drive you out of town.
They're a big chain.
They're always throwing their weight around, crashing unmeaning and smaller than themselves.
They're like Bob at a cup scout pancakes breakfast.
Well, they are just a faceless corporation. You have something they don't,
a friendly smiling face behind the counter.
When did you hire a new guy?
This town needs to know that there is a friendly neighborhood muffler man that they can go to.
So you should have a sale.
No! A sale-bretion!
I'll make muffins.
You can give one away with each muffler.
Just don't sell more than 12 mufflers because Jodie Alterman still has my other tin.
See you later alligator.
After a while you big baboon.
Unbelievable.
Fez has Hilary. You have Randy.
Now Steven's wife has two husbands.
Why am I alone and all these stupid less attractive people are happy?
Ugly people need love too.
Just like bitches.
I need a boyfriend.
But I don't want to end up with someone as stupid as Michael or someone who's wrong for me as Steven.
Ohhh, I know, I'm gonna write up a list.
Write down everything I want in a man and then find a guy who matches up.
I did that once. But with candy.
Okay, what do I want in a guy.
Olympic gold medallist.
Someone who doesn't talk to the hell.
Ooh, who doesn't look like Eric.
Jackie,
if you're serious about that list, maybe you should pick qualities that are a little more realistic.
Oh you're right, you're right.
No faties, no baldies.
What are you still doing here? I thought you'd be half way to Vegas by now with your husband.
You're my husband.
No, I'm the guy you married because you were bored.
Next time, try tennis, you lunatic.
Hey, that's our wife you're talking about.
- Shut up Larry. - Sorry.
Hyde, for what it's worth, I don't love Larry.
I love you.
Oh, great. You love me more than you love your grand father.
Well, I'll have you know. I won't be gone without a fight.
- Shut up Larry! - Without a fight it is!
Red, I'm sorry that business is so slow.
I blame myself, I used margarine instead of butter in the muffins.
I ruined us to save 8 cents.
- Red, I told you, you should listen to me. - I'm not renting a promotional monkey!
No!
No, you should turn this place into an adult bookstore.
Those places are packed 24 hours a day.
Sometimes you can't even get to the good stuff.
Oh, oh, Red! A customer. Now you show him that you have the personal touch that Muffler Master doesn't.
And if that's doesn't work, tell him you have a fake leg.
There's an elderly at the hospital who has a fake leg and he just gets whatever he wants.
- Can I help you? - Yeah, I need a muffler.
And I'm appreciate in the business. I mean sure,
Muffler Master can give you half off but,
here at Forman and Son, you get personalized home town service with a smile.
Half off?
What am I doing here?
Hey!
What about my damn service with a smile?
I have a fake leg!
Ok, stop everything. I finished my perfect man list.
And all the pieces of my life are falling into place.
Oh would you just shush and listen?
Okay, first he has to be a gentleman.
Just like my Fezie. He's always opening doors for me.
That way I can walk behind her and the view is better.
- Ok, my ideal guy has a great sense of humor. - Oh, that's like Fez too.
Just this morning he told me the funniest knock-knock joke.
And I'll tell you but I don't want to disturb us with ten minutes of glorious laughter.
Okay and third he has to be interested in women shoes.
- Oh Fez that's like last night when you put on my heels. - Anyway.
Ok.
Ok. I'll let you guys hash this out on your own.
Baby some stories are just for us.
Jackie,
have you realized who fits every single thing on your list?
Yeah! Elton John!
And I think he's single because he's never seen out with a girl!
No, I'm talking about Fez.
What?
Hey, you wrote the list. And the lists don't lie. And you ideal man is Fez.
Oh. that is almost as ridiculous as you looking in the mirror and thinking this outfit works.
Oh, yeah? At least I can see over the bathroom counter to look in the mirror.
Oh, hey! You know what?
I found the perfect dress for you that will fit you. Oh you gonna have to borrow it from the Statue of Liberty.
Ok, ok, truth,
I didn't mean to upset you. Let's just stop and call it even.
Ok, fine.
You like Feeez, you like Feez!
Today was a total disaster.
I didn't send one muffler and I drew a dozen customers into the hands of my competition.
If I were a younger more flexible man,
I'd shoot my foot up at my own ass.
You think you got problems.
I've got a husband-in-law.
Okay, this should cheer the two of you up. My secret 7-layer casserole.
The secret is layer 3 and 6 are burbon.
I can't gon back on the job market, it's a young man's game!
Plus I hate everybody.
Well, maybe you should think about retiring.
You're always saying how you'd love more time to drive around town and yell at men who wear sandals.
I can't afford to retire.
That's it. I'm not waiting for those bastards to put me out of business.
I'm going to Muffler Master's offices and give them a piece of my mind.
What if they tell you to take a flying leap?
Well then...
I'll throw a garbage can through their window.
So, basically, Jackie's list says the perfect man for her is Fez but she's in massive denial.
Jackie, it's not healthy to be in denial.
Once my uncle came in terms with his crush on Burt Reynolds
a whole new world opened up for him.
Well, just because Fez matches up a few things on my list doesn't mean he's the perfect match for me.
We're complete opposites. It's like...
I'm Beauty and he's the Beast.
Uhm Jackie, at the end of the story, Beauty and the Beast get together.
Oh, would you shut up, you reader.
There are plenty other things on the list. For instance:
my perfect guy compliments me, buys me present and comes when I call.
And none of that describes Fez.
Did you call me?
- What? No. I... - Wow, Jackie. You look fantastic today.
Oh, which reminds me, I got you a present.
Enjoy it, bye guys!
Wooow, that was weird!
So you decided what you were gonna do about Sam?
I don't know, man.
I mean. On one hand, she kept this massive secret from me and I won't be able to trust her again.
On the other hand, I'm a just a small town burnout. Who am I to judge?
Well, All I know is that she makes you happy.
And the only other time I'd seen such a big smile on your face
was when you got Fez and Kelso to smash their heads together when you threw a peanut on the floor.
It's a tough decision man,
I'll let the ball decide. If I make the shot, I stay with Sam.
If I miss, I say goodbye.
Oh, God's funny.
Kitty, I just got back from the Muffler Master's offices in Kenosha.
Oh I hate Kenosha, they think they're so much better than us just because they got a town-pool.
Yeah. Well, I told them, no matter how many Mom and Pap's stores they put out of business,
they'd better not even think opening a store near mine or they'll get a fight from me like they've never seen.
- That's my man. What did they say? - They're putting a store across the street.
Oh Red, I'm sorry.
Don't be. I scared the heck out of them. They even offered to give a little money for my shop.
Well I hope you told them to get lost.
Of course I did. Then they offered me more money.
And you told them to stuff it.
- Damn right. Then they offered me a lot of money. - Go to hell Muffler Master!
Actually, I accepted it.
Thank You Muffler Master!
Oh, oh I can't believe this.
Yeah. Me neither.
But you know I've been thinking about what you said about retiring.
And I think with this cheque, we can just about do it. If it's okay with you.
Oh Red.
You don't have to ask my permission for anything.
You have fought in two wars, you have worked you whole life,
you deserve to cash in.
Well, I couldn't have done it without my best gal!
Well speaking of things you can't do without your best gal... uhm... how would like to go celebrate.
I was thinking the same thing!
Oh you meant..
well sure, we can get a steak later!
It doesn't bother you that Muffler Master is going to turn your shop into a parking lot?
As long as that cheque clears, I don't care if they turn it into a communist recreation center.
Anyway, what happened between you and Sam?
Oh well we finally got some time alone, we talked, I told her it would be a mistake if we stayed together.
She agreed and we hugged.
And she jumped back on the main stage and finished up her act.
Well, you two kids lasted longer than I expected.
I thought she was going to knock you out, steal your wallet on the first night.
Hey.
Hey. I thought you'd be half way to Vegas by now.
Hyde, I'm really sorry that things didn't work out.
Yeah, me too.
But I'd like to think that if our paths ever cross again,
I'll be able to give you 20 dollars and
you'll be able to dance for me, that wouldn't be akward.
I'd like that.
Bye.
See ya.
You're alright?
Yeah.
Let me tell you something son. I dodged a lot of bullets in Korea.
But not one as crazy and blind as the one you just side-stepped.
It's weird, man. I never imagined myself divorced from a Vegas stripper with a second husband at this age.
I never imagined myself retired at this age.
But all I know is, when life finally gives you a break from the crap storm,
the best thing that you can do
is to crack open a beer with a friend.
To retirement.
To divorce.
You know, Red, time is going to be great.
Sleeping in every day, watching TV, doing nothing.
I'd be happy to show you how to do.
BEAUTY!
Beast! I like your haircut.
Oh thank you for noticing. Yeah, I had them taken off a little extra off the wrists.
So what brings you up to the Forest of No Return?
See I wrote up this list over who my perfect match should be,
and... everyone thinks it's you.
I mean, isn't that crazy. You're a beast!
That's true, I'm disgusting.
Yeah! Oh you... you, actually have a little piece of elf right here.
Did I get it?
No, no, here, here come here.
Okay.
Well I'll see you later Beast.
Beast!
You're totally hot.
Holy crap!
I'm going to save a fortune on razors!
Well, you're not a beast at all.
You're a handsome prince.
The list was right.
You are the one for me.
Then come and get the royal treatment baby.
Jackie! Are you okay?
You were moaning in your sleep and while I found it enjoyable,
I thought I should wake you up.
- I'm fine, no I'm fine. It's just that.. - Fez! Get back in here you beast.
Alright I'm coming my beauty. Grrrrrr.
- Hi honey, how was your day? - Oh, great, great.
I scared an entire village and then I tore down all the trees in the forest.
What's for diner?
I made you a special dish.
Macaroni and children?
Italian! My favorite!
I do smell good! Hey, save me a piece of me!