1
00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:36,451
Yes, the Billo miracle
saw has the power
2
00:00:36,519 --> 00:00:38,153
to cut down this tree,
3
00:00:38,221 --> 00:00:39,371
and yet it's precise enough
4
00:00:39,406 --> 00:00:42,597
to make your own
homemade Jigsaw puzzles.
5
00:00:44,043 --> 00:00:46,362
And if you call within
the next 10 minutes,
6
00:00:46,429 --> 00:00:50,048
we'll send you this pair of
miracle safety goggles free.
7
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:57,522
What are you doing?
8
00:00:57,590 --> 00:00:58,724
Quiet.
9
00:00:58,791 --> 00:01:01,460
The miracle safety
goggle clock is tickin'.
10
00:01:01,527 --> 00:01:04,363
Doug, what are you gonna
do with a chain saw?
11
00:01:04,430 --> 00:01:07,116
What am I not gonna do?
12
00:01:07,183 --> 00:01:09,184
Ok, you know what? If
you buy this chain saw,
13
00:01:09,251 --> 00:01:12,387
I know for a fact I will be
bringing your thumb to the hospital
14
00:01:12,455 --> 00:01:14,823
in a ziploc bag.
15
00:01:14,891 --> 00:01:16,858
I'm on hold. Crap.
16
00:01:16,926 --> 00:01:18,860
I just saw an ad for
a miracle chain saw.
17
00:01:18,928 --> 00:01:20,762
I need to borrow some plastic.
18
00:01:21,497 --> 00:01:22,881
Already ordering one.
19
00:01:22,948 --> 00:01:23,882
Make it 2.
20
00:01:23,949 --> 00:01:25,016
I think one's enough.
21
00:01:25,084 --> 00:01:26,385
Sure, until we both need
22
00:01:26,452 --> 00:01:27,786
to chain saw something
at the same time.
23
00:01:27,853 --> 00:01:29,888
Use your head.
24
00:01:29,955 --> 00:01:31,323
All right. How about
this for a compromise?
25
00:01:31,391 --> 00:01:33,225
Nobody gets a chain saw, ever.
26
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:34,760
But I'm tired of
throwing my money away
27
00:01:34,827 --> 00:01:36,328
on store-bought Jigsaw puzzles.
28
00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:39,265
Yeah, and by the way, you
can't just tell me no.
29
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:40,599
Uh, yes, I can.
30
00:01:40,666 --> 00:01:42,734
Uh, no, you can't.
31
00:01:42,802 --> 00:01:46,171
Uh, yeah, I can. We made
that deal, remember?
32
00:01:46,239 --> 00:01:47,523
What, that you can
just say no and-
33
00:01:47,590 --> 00:01:49,124
and have control
over my entire life
34
00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:50,992
and I got no say whatsoever?
35
00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:52,160
Yeah.
36
00:01:52,228 --> 00:01:53,495
When did I agree to that?
37
00:01:53,562 --> 00:01:57,065
10 years ago when we
bought this house.
38
00:01:59,151 --> 00:02:00,953
Oh, right.
39
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,523
And this is the master bedroom.
40
00:02:05,592 --> 00:02:06,959
His and her closets
41
00:02:07,026 --> 00:02:09,928
so you don't have to
deal with his mess.
42
00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:12,631
Honey, this is perfect for us.
43
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:14,032
You're perfect.
44
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:16,768
Oh. Mmm.
45
00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:20,038
I, uh, take it you
two are newlyweds?
46
00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:21,073
Yeah, 2 months.
47
00:02:21,140 --> 00:02:22,674
And we're still into each other.
48
00:02:24,143 --> 00:02:27,212
Anyway, um...
49
00:02:27,279 --> 00:02:28,680
Plenty of outlets, um,
50
00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:30,582
and cable hookup's right there.
51
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:31,583
Oh, no, no, no, no.
52
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,384
I don't believe in
TV in the bedroom.
53
00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:37,556
Really, honey?
54
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,524
No. From the moment
we walk in that door,
55
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:43,295
it's about you, me, and sharing.
56
00:02:43,362 --> 00:02:46,065
Mmm. Mmm.
57
00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:47,432
Oh! What's the matter?
58
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:48,500
Your mustache. It tickles.
59
00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:49,501
Oh, does it? Yeah.
60
00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:50,502
Well, here comes some more!
61
00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:53,772
Stop!
62
00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:58,560
Ah. You're next, Nancy.
63
00:03:00,379 --> 00:03:03,064
So what do you think, sweetie?
64
00:03:03,132 --> 00:03:06,167
Oh. I love the
finished basement.
65
00:03:06,235 --> 00:03:07,736
Oh, crap, honey.
66
00:03:07,804 --> 00:03:09,605
They're really into this house.
67
00:03:09,672 --> 00:03:11,339
Come on.
68
00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:13,542
Dine-in kitchen. Nice.
69
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,243
And we could put
stools at the counter
70
00:03:15,311 --> 00:03:16,244
and eat our-
71
00:03:16,312 --> 00:03:17,413
our, um-
72
00:03:22,118 --> 00:03:23,051
how you doin'?
73
00:03:23,119 --> 00:03:24,486
Hello.
74
00:03:24,554 --> 00:03:26,488
Can I help you?
75
00:03:26,556 --> 00:03:28,641
Oh. No.
76
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:29,642
Nice place.
77
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:30,709
Yeah.
78
00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:33,178
Just the smell of the
upstairs bedroom...
79
00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:37,916
And the neighbors, right? Ooh!
80
00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:39,784
What's wrong with the neighbors?
81
00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:41,253
They're skinheads.
82
00:03:43,339 --> 00:03:44,572
Really?
83
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:47,376
Yeah, the whole family.
Even the grandmother.
84
00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:49,862
I - I just saw her
outside watering plants.
85
00:03:49,929 --> 00:03:51,680
She seemed very sweet.
86
00:03:51,748 --> 00:03:53,832
She tried to sell me crack.
That's all I'm sayin'.
87
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:04,459
Hey, great. Well,
what's the address?
88
00:04:04,527 --> 00:04:08,147
Uh-huh. All right. Well,
we'll meet there.
89
00:04:08,214 --> 00:04:09,848
Ok, thanks. Bye.
90
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,483
Hey, baby. Who was that?
91
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:12,551
Oh, it's our real estate agent.
92
00:04:12,618 --> 00:04:13,985
There's another house
she wants us to see.
93
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:15,320
Oh, ok. Well,
94
00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:16,922
I don't think we're gonna
top the one we already saw-
95
00:04:16,989 --> 00:04:18,924
great price, great neighborhood.
96
00:04:18,991 --> 00:04:19,925
I know, and that basement-
97
00:04:19,992 --> 00:04:21,493
it's perfect for my home gym.
98
00:04:21,561 --> 00:04:23,695
I got my free weights
on one side,
99
00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:26,365
all my cardio on the other.
100
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,433
Well, don't get too ripped, ok?
101
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:30,269
I like a little somethin'
I can grab onto.
102
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:32,171
I can't make that promise.
103
00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:33,205
Mm-hmm.
104
00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:40,745
That is the table I eat on.
105
00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:43,949
Hi, dad. Hey, Arthur.
106
00:04:44,016 --> 00:04:45,417
Look, when I told you kids
you could stay with me
107
00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:46,785
after you gave up the apartment,
108
00:04:46,852 --> 00:04:47,786
I was glad to help out.
109
00:04:47,853 --> 00:04:51,790
But for God's sake,
it's been 10 days.
110
00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:54,527
Yes, we know, and we may
have found a place.
111
00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:56,796
Good. Now hit me with a Martini.
112
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:57,797
You got it.
113
00:04:57,864 --> 00:04:59,432
How was your day?
114
00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:02,267
Let's just say being a
decorative ribbon salesman
115
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:05,203
isn't as glamorous
as it used to be.
116
00:05:05,271 --> 00:05:07,389
Why? You didn't get the
winemaker's account?
117
00:05:07,456 --> 00:05:09,040
Nope. They decided
to go high-tech
118
00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:12,110
with elastic box bands.
119
00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:13,479
Oh. Here you go.
120
00:05:13,546 --> 00:05:16,515
Thanks.
121
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:17,949
If I could close
one big account,
122
00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:19,618
I'd be on easy street.
123
00:05:19,685 --> 00:05:22,454
No more trips to
hick towns upstate.
124
00:05:22,522 --> 00:05:26,325
No more evenings locked in the
fleshy arms of some spinster
125
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:30,795
just so she'll buy 2
spools for her card shop.
126
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,334
Ahh.
127
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:38,804
And once again, I'm alive.
128
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:43,375
How you doin'? We're
here to see the house.
129
00:05:43,442 --> 00:05:44,977
Are you the heffernans?
130
00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:47,412
Yes. I mean, uh...
131
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,616
I am, he's-he's not.
132
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:53,685
I'm the Heffernan. My wife-my
wife's meetin' us here.
133
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:56,821
Great. They're actually
selling the place furnished.
134
00:05:56,889 --> 00:05:59,858
Take a look around.
I'll be right in.
135
00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:07,566
Sweet mama, I'm home.
136
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,335
Pretty cool, man.
Hey, look at this.
137
00:06:09,402 --> 00:06:10,736
Sunken living room.
138
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:15,808
Or you bring in a hose.
Boom! Indoor pool!
139
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:17,275
How great are these stairs?!
140
00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:18,444
Hey, check it out.
There's an intercom.
141
00:06:18,511 --> 00:06:19,445
Oh, really?
142
00:06:19,512 --> 00:06:21,079
Yeah. Oh.
143
00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:24,115
Uh, breaker, breaker, Carrie,
144
00:06:24,183 --> 00:06:26,918
big daddy's home. Why don't
you go get yourself...
145
00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:29,788
Naked?
146
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:32,358
I'll have better stuff.
I love this place!
147
00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:34,827
Shh, shh, shh. Hey, you
don't want him to know
148
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:35,861
how much you love the place.
149
00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:36,928
He might Jack the price up.
150
00:06:36,996 --> 00:06:38,196
Right. I gotcha. Ok, good.
151
00:06:38,264 --> 00:06:40,031
So what do you think?
152
00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:41,266
It's got great flow, huh?
153
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:42,868
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
You know what?
154
00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:46,354
So does a tea bag, though, and
I don't wanna live in one.
155
00:06:46,422 --> 00:06:50,025
And I gotta tell ya, I'm not
really lovin' the neighborhood.
156
00:06:50,093 --> 00:06:52,678
Actually, this is a
very desirable area.
157
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,681
Right across the street, there's
an excellent elementary school.
158
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,016
Gee, I'm not sure
what you're implying,
159
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,751
but I already been to
elementary school.
160
00:07:02,705 --> 00:07:03,905
What's this right here?
161
00:07:03,974 --> 00:07:05,240
Oh, that's the dumbwaiter.
162
00:07:05,308 --> 00:07:08,093
You can send food right
up to the bedroom.
163
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:18,453
I desperately want this house.
164
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:19,471
Well, great.
165
00:07:19,538 --> 00:07:21,240
Is there any way we can
close the deal by Saturday?
166
00:07:21,307 --> 00:07:22,807
'Cause I'd really
love to barbecue.
167
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:24,843
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, honey, hi.
168
00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:27,379
What, are you buyin' a house?
169
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,331
Not a house, the house!
170
00:07:29,399 --> 00:07:31,633
Can't you just see us
growin' old here, huh?
171
00:07:33,169 --> 00:07:35,804
Um, can I talk to you
for a second over here?
172
00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:39,607
Sure you don't wanna join
me in the love glove?
173
00:07:39,675 --> 00:07:42,777
No. No, I don't think I do.
174
00:07:42,846 --> 00:07:44,813
You know what? I-i
think I'm gonna roll.
175
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:46,148
I'll see you later, brainiac.
176
00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:54,205
Um...
177
00:07:54,273 --> 00:07:56,491
Do you mind? Could we
have a minute, please?
178
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:58,076
Sure. Take all the
time you need.
179
00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,077
Thank you.
180
00:08:01,047 --> 00:08:02,481
What's the matter, you
don't like the place?
181
00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:07,753
Um, well, it is groovy.
I will give you that.
182
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,522
But, uh, I thought we both
loved the other house.
183
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:13,291
The place was ok. But this place
has got much better flow.
184
00:08:13,359 --> 00:08:14,359
Not to mention the intercom,
185
00:08:14,426 --> 00:08:16,378
the spiral staircase,
the dumbwaiter,
186
00:08:16,446 --> 00:08:19,481
and she comes furnished!
187
00:08:19,549 --> 00:08:21,867
Um, honey, I love you,
188
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:23,935
and I love when you get
excited about things
189
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:25,653
like a house or a new cereal,
190
00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:28,523
but, um...
191
00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:31,559
This is a really important
decision we're making here.
192
00:08:31,627 --> 00:08:33,061
I know it is.
193
00:08:33,129 --> 00:08:34,863
The other house was
so perfect for us.
194
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,364
I mean, it had the
room we needed.
195
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,200
It was in a quiet neighborhood.
196
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:39,201
It was close to your work.
197
00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:40,335
I mean, this house is-
198
00:08:40,403 --> 00:08:43,087
it's fun, but it's
just not practical.
199
00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:44,706
Oh, really? Yeah.
200
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,758
Ok, let me paint a
picture for ya.
201
00:08:46,826 --> 00:08:49,027
We're in that other house.
You're in bed.
202
00:08:49,094 --> 00:08:50,595
You're in the mood
for pork chops.
203
00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:53,165
Both your legs are broken.
204
00:08:56,268 --> 00:08:57,703
Ok.
205
00:08:57,770 --> 00:09:02,106
Now coincidentally, I'm down in
the kitchen frying pork chops.
206
00:09:02,174 --> 00:09:06,244
The smell wafts up to you,
and you shout down to me.
207
00:09:06,312 --> 00:09:09,948
But I can't hear you 'cause
we don't have an intercom.
208
00:09:11,383 --> 00:09:13,118
Now it turns out I'm a nice guy,
209
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:14,953
and I wanna get you
those pork chops.
210
00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:17,105
So I go to send 'em
up in the dumbwaiter.
211
00:09:17,173 --> 00:09:19,908
But we don't have one.
212
00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:22,477
So I walk the pork chops to ya,
but the house has no flow,
213
00:09:22,545 --> 00:09:23,746
and I wind up in the basement
214
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,447
and you starve to death.
215
00:09:25,514 --> 00:09:29,768
Ok, here's the thing. - I mean, we
could talk about this all night,
216
00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:32,204
but the other couple is gonna
make an offer on that house,
217
00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:34,740
and I don't wanna lose it
because of a dumbwaiter.
218
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:36,809
Ok, maybe you don't
understand what we have here.
219
00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:40,496
This is a private
elevator for pork.
220
00:09:40,563 --> 00:09:45,283
Yes, and I appreciate that.
But come on, honey.
221
00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:47,553
This house is across the
street from a school.
222
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:49,120
Do you know how noisy
that's gonna be?
223
00:09:49,188 --> 00:09:53,174
Carrie, listen to me. Meat
goin' up, bones comin' down.
224
00:09:53,242 --> 00:09:55,043
And then what about
when we have a baby?
225
00:09:55,110 --> 00:09:58,112
You wanna carry a baby up and
down the spiral staircase?
226
00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,815
Again, dumbwaiter!
227
00:09:59,882 --> 00:10:02,116
Baby goes up, baby come down.
228
00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:04,403
All right. Would you stop?
229
00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:06,604
Now look, we are gonna
buy that other house,
230
00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:08,539
and we're gonna be very happy,
231
00:10:08,607 --> 00:10:10,141
and if you can't survive
232
00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:13,378
without pork chops being
hoisted up to the bedroom,
233
00:10:13,445 --> 00:10:17,115
then we'll string a bucket
outside the window for you, ok?
234
00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:19,201
Good. I'm glad that's settled.
235
00:10:19,268 --> 00:10:20,601
And shave that mustache off
236
00:10:20,669 --> 00:10:22,437
'cause you look like
a motorcycle cop.
237
00:10:37,755 --> 00:10:39,738
Hey, homeslice.
238
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:42,274
What are you doin'?
239
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:43,275
Aw, nothin'. Just, uh...
240
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:45,277
Shavin' the 'stache.
241
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:47,713
Losin' the 'stache. Wow.
242
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,081
Yeah, I was thinkin'
it's a little too, uh...
243
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,933
Motorcycle cop.
244
00:10:52,001 --> 00:10:53,935
Really? 'Cause to
me, it was more
245
00:10:54,003 --> 00:10:56,437
out-of-shape porn star.
You know.
246
00:10:56,505 --> 00:10:58,306
So what's up with the house
with the dumbwaiter?
247
00:10:58,374 --> 00:11:01,309
Oh, we're, uh, actually making
an offer on another house.
248
00:11:01,377 --> 00:11:03,211
Heh heh heh. She
beat you down, huh?
249
00:11:03,279 --> 00:11:04,846
No. We had a discussion,
250
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:06,848
and she made a lot
of very good points.
251
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,884
This house is better.
You know, it's roomy.
252
00:11:08,951 --> 00:11:11,687
It's close to here. On a nice
day, I can actually walk to work.
253
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,756
Heh, walk to work. You don't
even like to walk at work.
254
00:11:14,824 --> 00:11:15,841
Admit it, man. She
beat you down.
255
00:11:15,908 --> 00:11:18,043
Ain't no shame here, baby.
256
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,078
She didn't beat me down, ok?
257
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,247
I want that house, and I
wanna shave my mustache,
258
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:23,682
and we're not getting
a dog anymore.
259
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,184
We're gettin' a kitten
'cause I think cats are fun.
260
00:11:29,088 --> 00:11:30,789
Oh, my God. What am I saying?
261
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,758
Cats are brutal!
262
00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:34,292
And I want my mustache back.
263
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,928
Oh, my God. Here's a little.
264
00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:39,364
Doug, it's-it's gone.
265
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:42,234
Oh, my-what am I doin'?
What's goin' on here?
266
00:11:42,301 --> 00:11:44,103
I mean, everything was goin'
so great with Carrie.
267
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:45,971
She's always been
so sweet and fun,
268
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:51,343
and now all of a sudden,
she's, like rrrarrgh!
269
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:52,511
Oh, yeah, yeah, I got that one
270
00:11:52,578 --> 00:11:54,146
on my honeymoon. Heh heh!
271
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:55,447
Man, if Carrie's like this now,
272
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,215
what's she gonna be
like 10 years from now?
273
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,584
Something to think about.
274
00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:00,151
10 years from now.
275
00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:03,021
That's, like, 2004.
276
00:12:05,424 --> 00:12:06,925
Don't be late tonight, ok?
277
00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:09,160
Remember, we have to
go to the ballet.
278
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:12,063
Actually, tonight I was think
about watching the knick game.
279
00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:14,099
Rrrarrgh!
280
00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:15,517
Good point.
281
00:12:15,584 --> 00:12:17,452
All right. I gotta
get going to work.
282
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,721
All right. And pick
up your blue suit
283
00:12:19,789 --> 00:12:21,456
from the dry cleaners, ok?
284
00:12:21,524 --> 00:12:23,758
I gotta wear a suit?
285
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,828
Yes, a suit, and your
uncomfortable shoes.
286
00:12:26,896 --> 00:12:28,730
All right, fine.
I'll see you later.
287
00:12:28,798 --> 00:12:30,098
Ok.
288
00:12:32,936 --> 00:12:34,419
And pick me up a loaf of bread!
289
00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:42,126
You know what?
290
00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:43,895
This mustache is staying.
291
00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:46,331
Actually, it's half a mustache.
292
00:12:48,968 --> 00:12:51,336
Still staying.
293
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:54,089
Darling, the tide has
turned for Arthur Spooner
294
00:12:54,157 --> 00:12:56,741
in the ribbon game.
With any luck,
295
00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:58,477
this will be my best year
296
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:00,745
since the hostage crisis.
297
00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:04,032
Great, dad. Well, what happened?
298
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:07,636
I realized, "why do I need
big department stores"
299
00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:09,771
when I can go directly
to the people?"
300
00:13:09,839 --> 00:13:12,290
Think about it. Who wears
ribbons in their hair?
301
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:13,725
Little girls.
302
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,561
And where do you
find little girls?
303
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,930
In the schoolyard.
304
00:13:26,171 --> 00:13:27,322
Oh, boy.
305
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:28,357
It worked like a charm.
306
00:13:28,424 --> 00:13:30,492
I'd beckon a little
girl off the swings
307
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:32,627
with the promise
of a candy treat,
308
00:13:32,695 --> 00:13:34,062
and then I present her
309
00:13:34,130 --> 00:13:37,065
with a beautiful
faux velvet ribbon.
310
00:13:37,133 --> 00:13:40,302
They ran off screaming, "mommy!"
311
00:13:40,370 --> 00:13:42,804
They couldn't wait
to tell their mother
312
00:13:42,872 --> 00:13:45,407
about their encounter
with the ribbon man.
313
00:13:47,343 --> 00:13:49,427
Dad, you can't do that.
314
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:50,462
Sure, I can.
315
00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:52,797
And after a nice snack,
316
00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:55,633
I'm gonna hit the
parochial schools.
317
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:58,253
No, you won't!
318
00:13:58,321 --> 00:13:59,654
You can't tell me what to do.
319
00:13:59,722 --> 00:14:02,007
I am doing it, ok?
320
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:03,308
Now look, I gotta go
meet Doug at the house
321
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,844
to sign some papers.
You stay right there
322
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:08,513
until I get back. Oh, and come here.
You have something
323
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:09,681
on your thing. Ok, good.
324
00:14:09,748 --> 00:14:11,116
Hey, hey! These are mine now!
325
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,951
You can't take my candy treats!
I did it!
326
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,019
I'll get more!
327
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,820
And I took your car keys, too!
328
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:18,573
Damn. Needless to say,
329
00:14:18,641 --> 00:14:20,509
you're dead to me!
330
00:14:26,632 --> 00:14:28,816
Ok. This just confirms
331
00:14:28,884 --> 00:14:32,087
that you're asking for an
8-day inspection period
332
00:14:32,155 --> 00:14:35,007
and 14 days to secure your loan.
333
00:14:35,074 --> 00:14:36,808
Why don't you look that over?
334
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,110
I'll go grab the termite report.
335
00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:41,113
Ok, thanks.
336
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:42,780
Wassup?
337
00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:48,086
Hey, babe. We got a million
papers to sign here.
338
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:50,788
I want you to start
working on these.
339
00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:54,092
All righty. Hmm.
340
00:14:56,963 --> 00:14:59,781
Uh, babe? I think
you missed a spot.
341
00:14:59,849 --> 00:15:03,752
No, don't think I did. I'm
starting a new trend.
342
00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:05,137
I'm either gonna
call it half-stache
343
00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:07,305
or upper lip surprise.
344
00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:09,107
Doug, what's going on?
345
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:11,143
What's going on?
I'll tell you what.
346
00:15:11,210 --> 00:15:14,345
I was standing there shaving my
mustache like you ordered me to,
347
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:16,982
when halfway through the job
Doug Heffernan showed up
348
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,933
and said, "what are
you doing, ass?!"
349
00:15:21,437 --> 00:15:23,338
Ok. You want to
keep the mustache?
350
00:15:23,405 --> 00:15:25,107
Keep the mustache.
It looks great.
351
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:27,042
No, it's not just stopping
with the mustache, ok?
352
00:15:27,110 --> 00:15:28,309
I want that other house.
353
00:15:28,377 --> 00:15:32,180
Wha-Doug, come on! We've
already discussed this.
354
00:15:32,248 --> 00:15:34,382
Now we're here to sign papers
355
00:15:34,450 --> 00:15:36,317
and make an offer on this house.
356
00:15:36,385 --> 00:15:38,120
No, we didn't discuss it.
You steamrolled me,
357
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:39,487
and I'm not signing anything
358
00:15:39,555 --> 00:15:41,289
until we talk about it for real.
359
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:42,457
All right, fine. You
want to talk about it?
360
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:43,692
Let's talk about it. Tell me why
361
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:44,826
we should buy that other house
362
00:15:44,894 --> 00:15:46,695
without using the
words pork chops
363
00:15:46,763 --> 00:15:47,763
or dumbwaiter.
364
00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:51,566
You know that's impossible!
365
00:15:52,802 --> 00:15:54,435
Then this discussion is over.
366
00:15:54,504 --> 00:15:55,670
Ok, fine! You know what?
367
00:15:55,738 --> 00:15:56,938
Let's just go with the
house you want, all right?
368
00:15:57,006 --> 00:15:58,373
Hey, and you know what?
Here's a great idea.
369
00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,841
You told me once you
liked the name Mike.
370
00:15:59,909 --> 00:16:02,143
So from now on, my name's Mike.
371
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:03,277
All right? Oh, yeah, right.
372
00:16:03,345 --> 00:16:04,913
You know what? I should
shave my mustache.
373
00:16:04,981 --> 00:16:06,214
All right, here we go.
374
00:16:06,281 --> 00:16:07,215
What the heck? You know what?
375
00:16:07,282 --> 00:16:09,217
Why stop at the face, huh?
376
00:16:09,284 --> 00:16:10,284
How about in here? Yeah!
377
00:16:10,352 --> 00:16:12,503
Am I hairless enough for you?
378
00:16:12,571 --> 00:16:16,241
Smooth Mike! That's what
they're gonna call me!
379
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,243
Nipple!
380
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:22,647
Doug, come on.
381
00:16:22,714 --> 00:16:24,349
You just have to trust me.
382
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:27,352
I just know that I'm
right about this house.
383
00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:34,259
All right, fine.
384
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,861
You know, I don't even
know what to say anymore.
385
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:40,731
I just thought when
we got married,
386
00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:42,767
you know, we were like partners.
387
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,303
And you would respect my opinion
388
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:48,590
or at least pretend to.
389
00:16:48,658 --> 00:16:51,459
I don't want to fight. All right?
I love you.
390
00:16:51,527 --> 00:16:54,479
Ok? I don't care where we live
391
00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:57,232
as long as we're together.
392
00:16:57,299 --> 00:17:00,468
Let's just do this.
393
00:17:00,536 --> 00:17:02,270
No, stop, stop.
394
00:17:02,338 --> 00:17:03,488
What?
395
00:17:03,555 --> 00:17:05,590
Look...
396
00:17:05,657 --> 00:17:08,026
Doug, I'm just.
- I'm so used to being bossy,
397
00:17:08,094 --> 00:17:10,228
you know, with my dad, and...
398
00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:12,763
I don't want to be
like that with you.
399
00:17:13,916 --> 00:17:17,618
You're a smart guy,
and I love you.
400
00:17:17,686 --> 00:17:19,104
You know what? I
want you to pick out
401
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,738
the house that we buy.
402
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:23,425
Really?
403
00:17:23,492 --> 00:17:25,059
Yeah.
404
00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:28,179
Ohh.
405
00:17:32,568 --> 00:17:35,887
Carrie, we're gonna
have a great life.
406
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,782
Doug, food's here!
407
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:12,390
Sorry it took so long.
408
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:15,093
There's like 50 school
buses down there.
409
00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:16,527
God, that would make me nuts.
410
00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:17,929
Would it?
411
00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:23,271
Dad! Get away from
those little girls!
412
00:18:24,820 --> 00:18:25,820
Oh, God.
413
00:18:26,989 --> 00:18:29,357
Ohh! It's ok. Just a rug burn.
414
00:18:29,425 --> 00:18:33,094
Unh! We gotta remember
to cone this area off.
415
00:18:34,463 --> 00:18:36,598
All right. Can we just eat
up in the bedroom, please?
416
00:18:36,665 --> 00:18:38,600
It's much quieter up there.
417
00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:41,436
Yeah, no problem. Hey, we'll
just use the dumbwaiter.
418
00:18:41,504 --> 00:18:44,205
All right. Here we go.
419
00:18:44,273 --> 00:18:46,007
It's perfect. A
couple of iced teas
420
00:18:46,074 --> 00:18:48,276
for my new bride. All right!
421
00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:50,111
Here we are.
422
00:18:50,179 --> 00:18:52,063
Oh, yeah!
423
00:18:57,136 --> 00:19:01,005
She's moving! She's moving!
424
00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:03,341
Oh, we are eating in no time!
425
00:19:03,408 --> 00:19:05,744
Eating in no time!
426
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:11,983
Oh, yeah.
427
00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:13,985
Oh, this is great.
428
00:19:29,768 --> 00:19:33,171
We're gonna need a
tiny cleaning lady.
429
00:19:34,690 --> 00:19:37,776
Oh, no, no, no! Don't cry!
430
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:41,379
I promise. Every big decision
from now on you'll make.
431
00:19:41,447 --> 00:19:43,264
You think?
432
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,754
That's how I learned
that little girls
433
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:52,774
are made of sugar and spice...
434
00:19:52,841 --> 00:19:54,742
And lies!
435
00:19:57,113 --> 00:20:00,282
It worked out fine. I
mean, we got our house.
436
00:20:00,349 --> 00:20:05,052
Yeah. After 6 months
and an extra $19,000.
437
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,155
Uh-huh, mm-hmm.
438
00:20:07,223 --> 00:20:08,723
Oh! Finally.
439
00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:10,091
Uh, yeah. I'd like
to place an order
440
00:20:10,159 --> 00:20:11,459
for the miracle chain saw.
441
00:20:11,527 --> 00:20:12,843
Doug! What?
442
00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:14,345
We said you'd make all
the major decisions.
443
00:20:14,413 --> 00:20:15,780
This is just a chain saw.
444
00:20:17,616 --> 00:20:19,117
Ugh! Fine.
445
00:20:19,184 --> 00:20:21,152
Uh, you can forget
about the saw,
446
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,971
but I'd like to order 2 pairs
447
00:20:23,038 --> 00:20:25,956
of the miracle safety goggles.
Yeah!
448
00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:44,276
Hey. Did you bring my bread?
449
00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:45,410
Here you go.
450
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,696
Oh.
451
00:20:47,763 --> 00:20:50,598
This is rye. I asked
for whole wheat.