1
00:01:25,744 --> 00:01:29,147
I can't get this stupid
ketchup packet open.
2
00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:31,249
Just tear on the
little dotted line.
3
00:01:31,316 --> 00:01:32,650
The dotted line means nothing.
4
00:01:32,717 --> 00:01:35,887
It's like the "door close"
button on an elevator,
5
00:01:35,954 --> 00:01:37,021
it's all show.
6
00:01:37,089 --> 00:01:38,890
Here. Give it to me.
7
00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:42,193
There you go.
8
00:01:42,261 --> 00:01:44,328
Thanks. I need about 12 more.
9
00:01:46,198 --> 00:01:47,765
Well, he's right.
10
00:01:47,833 --> 00:01:49,400
There's not a lot of ketchup
in one of these bad boys.
11
00:01:49,467 --> 00:01:50,668
Thank you.
12
00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:53,704
They should be bigger.
Like the size of a pillow.
13
00:01:55,540 --> 00:01:56,808
Yeah. Or like a mattress.
14
00:01:56,875 --> 00:01:59,143
How cool would that be,
like sleeping on ketchup?
15
00:02:01,046 --> 00:02:03,414
Ok, can we talk about
something other than ketchup?
16
00:02:03,481 --> 00:02:05,482
We're paying a
sitter $7 an hour.
17
00:02:05,550 --> 00:02:07,318
Oh, my God. Hey, you guys.
18
00:02:07,385 --> 00:02:09,253
Hey!
19
00:02:09,321 --> 00:02:11,155
Guy and Lisa! Hi!
20
00:02:11,223 --> 00:02:14,425
Look at this little parkside
apartments reunion.
21
00:02:14,492 --> 00:02:15,659
What's up, man?
22
00:02:15,727 --> 00:02:19,197
Oh, nada much. Nada much.
23
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,132
I miss you. I haven't
seen you in forever.
24
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,466
I know.
25
00:02:22,534 --> 00:02:25,036
I totally understand. I
know how busy you guys are.
26
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:28,072
You two are so hard
to get a hold of.
27
00:02:28,140 --> 00:02:31,675
Actually, I do owe you a call.
Yes, you're good.
28
00:02:31,743 --> 00:02:35,046
Well, I am really happy that we
ran into you, 'cause guess what?
29
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:36,547
We're finally getting married!
30
00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,415
Oh, my God! Whoa! What the...
together!
31
00:02:38,483 --> 00:02:39,951
Good work, man.
32
00:02:40,018 --> 00:02:42,586
Yup. I, uh, rented
a hot air balloon
33
00:02:42,654 --> 00:02:45,957
and popped the question
1,000 feet over New Jersey.
34
00:02:46,024 --> 00:02:47,892
Oh, I'm glad she said yes,
35
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,995
'cause that would have been
an awkward float down.
36
00:02:51,063 --> 00:02:52,830
Oh, oh, please, please,
please tell me
37
00:02:52,898 --> 00:02:54,498
you're available the
3rd next month,
38
00:02:54,566 --> 00:02:56,334
because you are all
so important to me,
39
00:02:56,401 --> 00:02:58,269
and I really, really
wanna have you there.
40
00:02:58,337 --> 00:03:02,073
Of course we'll be there. We'll be there
with bells on. We wouldn't miss it.
41
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:04,108
Oh, us, too. We're...
we're there.
42
00:03:04,176 --> 00:03:06,143
Oh, yay! I'm so happy
you're gonna make it.
43
00:03:06,211 --> 00:03:09,981
I mean, Doug and Carrie, I
know how busy you guys are.
44
00:03:10,048 --> 00:03:11,282
We will see you there?
45
00:03:11,350 --> 00:03:12,416
Ok. Yeah.
46
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:13,985
All righty. Bye.
47
00:03:14,052 --> 00:03:16,354
Wow. They're finally doing it.
That's great.
48
00:03:16,421 --> 00:03:17,821
I know. It is great.
49
00:03:17,890 --> 00:03:21,125
Yep. It's pretty great. Mmm.
50
00:03:21,193 --> 00:03:24,028
Is it me, or has she
gotten more annoying?
51
00:03:24,096 --> 00:03:25,763
Definitely kicked it up a notch.
52
00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,464
Come on, you guys, stop it.
She's fine.
53
00:03:27,532 --> 00:03:29,833
The wedding will be fun. It's
one afternoon of your life,
54
00:03:29,902 --> 00:03:31,502
so quit your bitchin'.
Who's bitchin'?
55
00:03:31,569 --> 00:03:34,038
As long as there's a guy with
a big hat carving roast beef,
56
00:03:34,106 --> 00:03:35,873
I'm one jolly s.O.B.
57
00:03:40,578 --> 00:03:41,913
How do? Hey.
58
00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:43,080
Mmm.
59
00:03:43,148 --> 00:03:44,715
Hon, I can't figure
out what to make.
60
00:03:44,783 --> 00:03:47,084
How do you feel about
eggs for dinner?
61
00:03:47,152 --> 00:03:49,720
It's unconventional,
but I'll allow it.
62
00:03:51,390 --> 00:03:53,925
Oh, Douglas. Just the man
I was hoping to find.
63
00:03:53,992 --> 00:03:55,559
Hey, Arthur-itis.
64
00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:03,935
I'll say a phrase, and I
want your instant reaction.
65
00:04:04,002 --> 00:04:06,304
Don't think. Just speak.
66
00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:08,940
Half-price footwear. Go.
67
00:04:10,742 --> 00:04:12,944
Pass. Next question.
68
00:04:13,011 --> 00:04:15,813
Style-rite shoes is having a
father and son shoe sale.
69
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,015
Father buys a pair, son
gets a pair for free.
70
00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:20,717
If we go in together, we get 2
for 1, and we split the cost.
71
00:04:20,785 --> 00:04:23,821
All I need is for you to
pretend you are my son.
72
00:04:24,722 --> 00:04:26,057
Right, right.
73
00:04:26,691 --> 00:04:28,792
No.
74
00:04:28,860 --> 00:04:32,830
You do understand we are talking
about half-price footwear?
75
00:04:32,897 --> 00:04:34,465
Yes, I do understand that.
76
00:04:34,532 --> 00:04:37,901
I also understand that you had
some kind of sausage for lunch.
77
00:04:37,970 --> 00:04:39,437
Sorry, not interested.
78
00:04:39,504 --> 00:04:42,039
Fine, you have just
wise-guyed your way
79
00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:44,708
out of a very sweet
deal, friend.
80
00:04:44,776 --> 00:04:48,312
You picked yourself a
real loser, darling.
81
00:04:48,380 --> 00:04:50,714
Look at this. We got Lisa and
guy's wedding invitation.
82
00:04:50,782 --> 00:04:52,516
Oh, really? Open it. Open it.
83
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:53,617
Yeah? Yeah.
84
00:04:54,953 --> 00:04:57,721
Ok, he could have done
without the confetti.
85
00:04:57,789 --> 00:04:59,623
Read it.
86
00:04:59,691 --> 00:05:02,593
All right. Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
87
00:05:02,660 --> 00:05:04,295
Just the usual stuff, really.
88
00:05:04,363 --> 00:05:07,731
Hey, fun fact. Guy's
mother's name is midge.
89
00:05:07,799 --> 00:05:09,266
Midge.
90
00:05:09,334 --> 00:05:11,002
So where's the wedding?
At Leonard's?
91
00:05:11,069 --> 00:05:13,204
Uh, that would be in chapter 2.
92
00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,706
Um, the dellecave manor...
93
00:05:16,674 --> 00:05:18,142
Oh, sweet God.
94
00:05:18,210 --> 00:05:20,411
What? It's in Maryland.
95
00:05:20,479 --> 00:05:21,678
What?
96
00:05:21,746 --> 00:05:23,881
Gaithersburg, Maryland.
We gotta go to Maryland.
97
00:05:23,948 --> 00:05:24,982
Let me see that.
98
00:05:25,050 --> 00:05:27,251
What? You don't
think I can read?
99
00:05:27,319 --> 00:05:29,186
That's like a 5 hour drive.
100
00:05:29,254 --> 00:05:31,489
This is an all-weekend,
stay-overnight thing.
101
00:05:31,556 --> 00:05:33,724
She tricked us.
102
00:05:33,791 --> 00:05:35,959
We're not going. You know,
they're friends, yes,
103
00:05:36,028 --> 00:05:38,095
but they're not
drive-to-Maryland friends.
104
00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:39,730
Doug, we have to go.
105
00:05:39,797 --> 00:05:42,566
If we don't, we're not gonna
be friends with them at all.
106
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,468
Great. Where do I sign?
107
00:05:45,703 --> 00:05:48,172
Doug, I said we were free.
You heard me,
108
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:49,940
and I said we'd be
there with bells on.
109
00:05:50,008 --> 00:05:51,675
But that was before
you remembered
110
00:05:51,743 --> 00:05:55,413
that my Uncle shmelman was
coming to visit that weekend
111
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,982
and could possibly be
dying, if necessary.
112
00:05:59,051 --> 00:06:00,951
No, we can't make up an excuse.
113
00:06:01,019 --> 00:06:02,053
Why not?
114
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,188
Do you remember our wedding?
115
00:06:04,256 --> 00:06:06,223
They were in Munich, and they flew
back early so they could be there.
116
00:06:06,291 --> 00:06:07,758
Do you know where Munich is?
117
00:06:07,825 --> 00:06:11,929
I'll tell you one thing, it's
a lot closer than Maryland.
118
00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:15,299
Doug, if we don't go, I will
never hear the end of it.
119
00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:16,700
You know how Lisa is.
120
00:06:16,768 --> 00:06:18,235
I miss returning one
of her phone calls,
121
00:06:18,303 --> 00:06:19,870
and she's, "oh, you're so busy",
122
00:06:19,938 --> 00:06:21,905
you're so hard to
get a hold of."
123
00:06:21,973 --> 00:06:24,475
Could you imagine if we
skipped their wedding?
124
00:06:24,543 --> 00:06:26,510
"Oh, so sorry we missed
you at the wedding.
125
00:06:26,578 --> 00:06:28,612
"Good thing we flew in
from Munich for yours,
126
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,348
or we'd never see you."
127
00:06:31,416 --> 00:06:34,185
We're going. Deal with it, hon.
128
00:06:34,252 --> 00:06:36,587
Well, if we go, I'm
punching midge.
129
00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:51,102
I don't know about this, Arthur. I
mean, pretending to be your son,
130
00:06:51,169 --> 00:06:52,769
that's... that's
kind of like lying.
131
00:06:52,837 --> 00:06:55,139
Oh, you don't like lying,
but you sure jumped for joy
132
00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:57,408
when I mentioned half-price
shoes, didn't you?
133
00:06:57,476 --> 00:07:01,245
Now, shut your pie-hole and
start calling me daddy.
134
00:07:01,313 --> 00:07:03,180
Hey, there. Can I help you?
135
00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:07,050
Uh, yes. I'd like to see
these in a 9 and a half.
136
00:07:07,119 --> 00:07:08,986
What would you like, son?
137
00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:11,888
Clarks wallabees, size 7.
138
00:07:11,956 --> 00:07:13,624
That's my boy.
139
00:07:13,691 --> 00:07:17,194
Hey, uh, you and your son sit
tight, and I'll go grab 'em.
140
00:07:19,897 --> 00:07:22,032
He bought it! What a rush!
141
00:07:28,039 --> 00:07:29,740
Just out of curiosity,
142
00:07:29,807 --> 00:07:32,343
what's the story with
your real father?
143
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:34,378
Oh, uh,
144
00:07:34,446 --> 00:07:36,847
he walked out on me and
my mom when I was 2.
145
00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:40,884
Then, uh, this little charade
must be very painful for you.
146
00:07:40,952 --> 00:07:43,654
Yeah. Actually, uh... Shut up.
He's coming.
147
00:07:44,956 --> 00:07:46,056
Found 'em both.
148
00:07:46,124 --> 00:07:47,691
Oh, terrific.
149
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,260
You know, it's funny. I remember
150
00:07:49,327 --> 00:07:51,728
the very first pair of big-boy
shoes I bought for this kid.
151
00:07:51,796 --> 00:07:53,130
You know what he said?
152
00:07:53,198 --> 00:07:55,899
"My toes got their
own house now."
153
00:08:00,905 --> 00:08:02,439
So, uh, how do those fit?
154
00:08:02,507 --> 00:08:03,740
Wonderfully.
155
00:08:03,808 --> 00:08:07,144
They remind me of my first g.I.
Government issue.
156
00:08:08,012 --> 00:08:09,946
You served in w.W. Ii?
157
00:08:10,014 --> 00:08:11,715
Army. 71st infantry.
158
00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:14,017
You're kidding. The 29th.
159
00:08:14,085 --> 00:08:16,220
I mean, we were the guys
that went in first.
160
00:08:16,288 --> 00:08:19,122
I mean, cleared the way for you.
161
00:08:19,191 --> 00:08:22,459
Cleared the way? It was no
picnic for us, you know.
162
00:08:22,527 --> 00:08:25,062
Yeah, but we took a hell
of a lot more casualties.
163
00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:28,765
Well, sure, but you understand
how difficult it was for us,
164
00:08:28,833 --> 00:08:30,967
tripping over all your bodies?
165
00:08:32,837 --> 00:08:34,905
Hey, dad? We're out of
the rockport loafers.
166
00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:36,340
I'll call in an order, ok?
167
00:08:36,408 --> 00:08:38,342
Thanks, Scotty.
168
00:08:38,410 --> 00:08:40,110
That's my son.
169
00:08:40,178 --> 00:08:42,112
Good lookin' boy.
170
00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:43,914
Straighten up.
171
00:08:43,981 --> 00:08:47,651
Hey, I got an idea. What do you say
we go out for dinner and drinks?
172
00:08:47,719 --> 00:08:50,521
We bring our boys, we tell
them how the war really was,
173
00:08:50,589 --> 00:08:53,023
how my unit saved your ass...
174
00:08:53,091 --> 00:08:54,525
You mean how we saved yours,
175
00:08:54,593 --> 00:08:56,760
but, uh, we'll pick
this up at Tony Roma's.
176
00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:59,330
Uh, actually, dad,
177
00:08:59,397 --> 00:09:02,366
I'm kind of busy with things right now.
I don't have time.
178
00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:04,468
Well, you sure find
time to shoe shop.
179
00:09:04,536 --> 00:09:07,504
You can't sit with these good
people for an hour and have dinner?
180
00:09:07,572 --> 00:09:10,708
Now, take those off and go
wait for me in the car.
181
00:09:14,979 --> 00:09:18,014
And that's the cheapest
room rate you have?
182
00:09:18,082 --> 00:09:20,417
You do realize you're
in a town in Maryland
183
00:09:20,485 --> 00:09:23,320
no one outside of the
state has ever heard of?
184
00:09:23,388 --> 00:09:25,256
Tell them we're triple a members.
Tell them.
185
00:09:25,323 --> 00:09:26,957
Yeah. Just for one night.
Uh-huh.
186
00:09:27,024 --> 00:09:29,025
Tell them. Sometimes they
give you a discount.
187
00:09:29,093 --> 00:09:31,729
All right. Well, thank you.
Bye-bye.
188
00:09:31,796 --> 00:09:34,298
Why are we a member of an auto
club if you won't bring it up?
189
00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:36,533
I did, before you came in.
190
00:09:36,601 --> 00:09:39,503
$189 is the best rate
they can give us.
191
00:09:39,571 --> 00:09:42,205
Can't we just Mark "no"
on this r.S.V.P. Card?
192
00:09:42,274 --> 00:09:46,143
It would be so simple. 2
little letters. "N"...
193
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:47,944
We can't. We're in too deep now.
194
00:09:48,012 --> 00:09:50,247
Lisa called me last night,
and I actually said again
195
00:09:50,315 --> 00:09:51,715
we'd be there with bells on.
196
00:09:51,783 --> 00:09:54,184
Again with the... What is
your obsession with bells?
197
00:09:54,252 --> 00:09:55,753
They flew in from Munich!
198
00:09:55,820 --> 00:09:57,288
Oh, come on.
199
00:09:57,355 --> 00:09:59,156
And you know what
the worst thing is?
200
00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:01,792
We go down there, we give
up our entire weekend,
201
00:10:01,859 --> 00:10:05,128
we eat terrible catered food, and
they have, like, 300 guests coming,
202
00:10:05,196 --> 00:10:07,164
we'll see them for
maybe 10 seconds.
203
00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:09,866
Somehow, I always end up in the
middle of a cluster of cousins
204
00:10:09,934 --> 00:10:11,902
during the Y.M.C.A. Dance.
205
00:10:11,969 --> 00:10:13,970
Well, that's just because
you do it so well.
206
00:10:14,038 --> 00:10:15,172
I know.
207
00:10:16,974 --> 00:10:19,576
I mean, remember tedi
and David's wedding?
208
00:10:19,644 --> 00:10:23,580
We never saw them. They would have
never known we were even there.
209
00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:28,185
Oh. I just... I
just had a thought.
210
00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:29,753
What?
211
00:10:29,821 --> 00:10:33,924
300 guests. We'll... we'll
never even see them.
212
00:10:33,991 --> 00:10:36,760
We should just not
go and say we went.
213
00:10:36,828 --> 00:10:38,829
What? We can't do that.
214
00:10:38,896 --> 00:10:41,665
I'm not sure we can't.
215
00:10:41,733 --> 00:10:44,201
But it... Isn't it illegal?
216
00:10:44,268 --> 00:10:45,769
No. Not at all.
217
00:10:45,837 --> 00:10:47,738
You just said we'll see
them for 10 seconds, maybe.
218
00:10:47,806 --> 00:10:50,941
Who's to say we weren't there?
We could do this.
219
00:10:51,008 --> 00:10:53,009
Do we dare? Yes!
220
00:10:53,077 --> 00:10:55,579
And then, a week from now, we
call and say we had a good time,
221
00:10:55,647 --> 00:10:57,548
and how great she looked,
222
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,416
and that we're sorry we couldn't
spend more time with them.
223
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:02,653
Mr. Heffernan, you just
might be on to something.
224
00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:04,521
So, you in?
225
00:11:04,589 --> 00:11:06,189
I don't know. I'm scared.
226
00:11:06,257 --> 00:11:08,225
Yes, yes. Ok. There you go!
227
00:11:08,292 --> 00:11:10,293
This is one of the
greatest ideas I ever had,
228
00:11:10,362 --> 00:11:14,130
and I thought of double stuff
oreos way before it was realized.
229
00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:17,033
Ok.
230
00:11:17,101 --> 00:11:19,903
R.S.V.P., yes.
231
00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:22,439
And we will have the chicken.
232
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:24,341
Wait. What... what's
the other choice?
233
00:11:24,409 --> 00:11:25,576
Steak. You know what?
234
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,844
Mark me down for that.
235
00:11:26,911 --> 00:11:29,346
We're not going.
What's the difference?
236
00:11:29,414 --> 00:11:31,415
Such a red flag. They
look at it and go,
237
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:33,016
"what? Doug's not
having the steak?
238
00:11:33,084 --> 00:11:34,585
"What the heck's going on here?
239
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,755
Are they pretending to come?"
240
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,956
Ok. I don't think
they'd jump to that,
241
00:11:40,024 --> 00:11:43,293
but all right, steak it is. You know what?
I will go for the steak, too.
242
00:11:43,361 --> 00:11:44,695
All right. Ok.
243
00:11:44,763 --> 00:11:46,329
We're doing this.
244
00:11:47,198 --> 00:11:49,466
Ok, I'm doing it.
245
00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:52,035
This is living. I did it. Ok.
246
00:11:52,103 --> 00:11:54,538
And we are officially saying
247
00:11:54,606 --> 00:11:57,674
we are going to a
wedding and not going.
248
00:11:58,476 --> 00:12:00,010
Make love to me.
249
00:12:18,855 --> 00:12:20,555
The placecards.
250
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,425
Doug. Wake up. I just
thought of something.
251
00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:24,860
What? The wedding.
252
00:12:24,927 --> 00:12:26,462
If we don't show up,
253
00:12:26,529 --> 00:12:28,664
Lisa and guy will see that our
placecards weren't picked up.
254
00:12:28,732 --> 00:12:30,866
They'll know we weren't there.
255
00:12:32,469 --> 00:12:34,202
So that's all we
really need you to do.
256
00:12:34,270 --> 00:12:35,804
Just pick up our placecards,
257
00:12:35,872 --> 00:12:38,173
and push the food around our
plates so it looks like we ate.
258
00:12:38,241 --> 00:12:40,476
Yeah, basically,
just keep us alive.
259
00:12:40,543 --> 00:12:41,777
And as a bonus,
260
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:43,645
if... if you actually want
anything from our plates,
261
00:12:43,713 --> 00:12:44,946
like, if you want a 2nd steak
262
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:47,416
or some more potatoes,
go to town.
263
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,818
Is that all?
264
00:12:49,886 --> 00:12:51,754
You know what? Actually, at
some point during the night,
265
00:12:51,821 --> 00:12:54,956
I want you to go to the bar, pick up
2 drinks, then walk by guy and go,
266
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:57,826
"what's up, man? Where's Doug?
I got his drink? Hey."
267
00:12:57,894 --> 00:13:00,462
Do you understand that we don't
want to go to Maryland, either?
268
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,831
Hey. L-let's jump on their plan.
269
00:13:02,899 --> 00:13:04,700
I mean, we could just
pretend to go, too.
270
00:13:04,768 --> 00:13:06,635
Oh. No, no, no. You can't.
No way. No way.
271
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,871
There's no way 4 people
can fake be there. No.
272
00:13:08,938 --> 00:13:11,273
No. It's way too obvious.
Besides, I thought of it first.
273
00:13:11,340 --> 00:13:13,308
What do you mean, you
thought of it first?
274
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:17,012
You didn't invent the idea of pretending to
be somewhere when you're not really there.
275
00:13:17,079 --> 00:13:19,147
Yes, I did.
276
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,750
Well, too bad. If we have to
go, we're not gonna help.
277
00:13:21,818 --> 00:13:26,288
Please, Kel? Please? I'm
begging you, help us out here.
278
00:13:28,090 --> 00:13:29,357
Oh, all right.
279
00:13:29,426 --> 00:13:30,492
What?
280
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:31,660
We're going anyway.
281
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:34,095
Thank you. Thank you so much.
282
00:13:34,163 --> 00:13:36,632
One other thing, if you
wouldn't mind giving them this,
283
00:13:36,699 --> 00:13:38,867
we'd really appreciate it.
284
00:13:38,935 --> 00:13:40,769
Thanks so much. Really.
285
00:13:43,773 --> 00:13:44,907
Hey, this is Doug.
286
00:13:44,974 --> 00:13:46,542
And this is Carrie.
287
00:13:46,609 --> 00:13:49,611
We can't come to the phone right
now 'cause we're in Maryland.
288
00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:52,614
We're back on Sunday,
289
00:13:52,682 --> 00:13:55,383
but you know what to do.
Do it after the beep.
290
00:13:55,452 --> 00:13:57,252
Good, 'cause we're in Maryland.
291
00:13:59,288 --> 00:14:00,656
I think they got the point.
Yeah.
292
00:14:00,723 --> 00:14:01,790
How sweet is this? Yeah.
293
00:14:01,858 --> 00:14:03,559
We would have been
driving for 5 hours,
294
00:14:03,626 --> 00:14:07,128
and instead, I'm parking my
heiny on the living room couch.
295
00:14:07,196 --> 00:14:08,897
It's pretty sweet, isn't it?
296
00:14:08,965 --> 00:14:11,032
We got the whole
weekend ahead of us.
297
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,400
Oh, yeah.
298
00:14:12,469 --> 00:14:14,503
Relaxation.
299
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,108
Who's that?
300
00:14:20,176 --> 00:14:21,710
I... I don't know.
301
00:14:25,181 --> 00:14:26,648
Hi. Hey.
302
00:14:26,716 --> 00:14:27,950
Guess what?
303
00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:29,852
My kid has a 103 fever.
304
00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:32,354
What? Yeah.
305
00:14:32,421 --> 00:14:34,556
So it turns out Kelly and I
can't go to the wedding.
306
00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:36,959
I just called Lisa and guy
in Maryland and canceled.
307
00:14:37,026 --> 00:14:40,428
They were disappointed, but
they totally understood.
308
00:14:40,497 --> 00:14:41,930
Who's gonna keep us alive?
309
00:14:41,998 --> 00:14:44,432
Mmm. Not sure, so, um,
310
00:14:45,602 --> 00:14:47,903
let me give you this back,
311
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:51,607
and since I guess you'll have to
go, if you wouldn't mind, uh,
312
00:14:51,674 --> 00:14:54,442
drop off Kelly and
my gift, would ya?
313
00:14:54,511 --> 00:14:56,177
But we had an arrangement.
314
00:14:56,245 --> 00:14:58,747
Very sick kid. Sorry. I actually
should get back to him.
315
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,682
We're supposed to bathe
him in cold water,
316
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,183
so, see ya!
317
00:15:05,087 --> 00:15:06,788
So that's all we were wondering.
318
00:15:06,856 --> 00:15:09,124
If you could just make it
look like we were there.
319
00:15:09,191 --> 00:15:11,226
You know, pick up
our placecards,
320
00:15:11,293 --> 00:15:13,128
dump some food off our plates.
321
00:15:13,195 --> 00:15:15,296
Yeah, and, uh, if you
could just, uh, you know,
322
00:15:15,364 --> 00:15:17,566
give them this here.
323
00:15:18,467 --> 00:15:20,368
Oh, and, uh,
324
00:15:20,436 --> 00:15:23,972
just this right there. That's be great.
Thanks. Yeah.
325
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,808
So you want us to
lie to Lisa and guy
326
00:15:26,876 --> 00:15:28,744
and make it look
like you're there?
327
00:15:28,811 --> 00:15:31,246
Yeah. So, what do you think?
328
00:15:31,313 --> 00:15:34,616
To be honest, I
think that's awful.
329
00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:37,218
I'd be very uncomfortable
doing that.
330
00:15:37,286 --> 00:15:39,454
I was gonna say the same thing.
331
00:15:41,257 --> 00:15:43,324
Fair enough. Fair enough.
332
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,463
So what else is goin' on?
333
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,604
So, Scotty runs the
store with me,
334
00:15:55,672 --> 00:15:58,440
and at night, he takes classes at St.
John's,
335
00:15:58,507 --> 00:16:00,108
getting his business degree.
336
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:01,710
Yeah, when I'm done,
we're gonna see
337
00:16:01,778 --> 00:16:03,344
if we can turn our
place into a chain.
338
00:16:03,412 --> 00:16:05,547
Maybe open up some franchises
around long island.
339
00:16:05,615 --> 00:16:07,182
Quite a boy, huh?
340
00:16:07,249 --> 00:16:09,651
Yeah. Quite a boy.
341
00:16:11,854 --> 00:16:13,521
So, Spence, what do you do?
342
00:16:13,590 --> 00:16:15,824
He owns the subway.
343
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:19,160
I work in the subway. I...
I sell tokens, maps,
344
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:20,696
the occasional metrocard.
345
00:16:20,763 --> 00:16:22,898
Would it kill you to
go to school at night?
346
00:16:22,966 --> 00:16:24,766
I don't want to go to school.
347
00:16:24,834 --> 00:16:27,502
Yeah? Well, there's a new
thing out called "ambition."
348
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:28,770
Get some.
349
00:16:30,272 --> 00:16:32,874
Fruit of my loins.
Emphasis on fruit.
350
00:16:32,942 --> 00:16:34,242
Hey, leave me alone, will you?
351
00:16:34,310 --> 00:16:35,877
I'll leave you alone
352
00:16:35,945 --> 00:16:37,946
when you take a little responsibility
for your life! Be a man!
353
00:16:38,014 --> 00:16:39,247
Shut up! Just shut up!
354
00:16:39,315 --> 00:16:40,682
The mouth he gets
from his mother.
355
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:42,818
Hey! Leave my
mother out of this.
356
00:16:42,885 --> 00:16:45,286
Uh, I think I'll go
check on our table.
357
00:16:45,354 --> 00:16:49,224
Actually, uh, I'll
go with you, dad.
358
00:16:49,291 --> 00:16:51,693
Yeah, uh, look, I think
I'm gonna get going.
359
00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,395
What are you talking about? We're
gonna have a delicious dinner.
360
00:16:54,463 --> 00:16:57,198
Yeah, well, I'm just not very hungry.
Goodbye.
361
00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:58,767
Yeah. Go ahead. Run away.
362
00:16:58,835 --> 00:17:00,568
But there are a million
boys like Scott out there,
363
00:17:00,637 --> 00:17:02,004
and you can't run
away from them!
364
00:17:02,071 --> 00:17:03,438
What the hell is going on?
365
00:17:03,506 --> 00:17:05,040
Why are you being so mean to me?
366
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,509
Have I said one thing
that isn't true?
367
00:17:07,576 --> 00:17:10,946
Look at yourself. You're 34 years
old, and you've gone nowhere!
368
00:17:11,014 --> 00:17:12,781
You work underground
like a ferret!
369
00:17:12,849 --> 00:17:15,150
Yeah, ok, you know what?
Fine. You're right.
370
00:17:15,217 --> 00:17:16,918
But just once during
this entire time
371
00:17:16,986 --> 00:17:18,920
that you've been pretending
to be my father,
372
00:17:18,988 --> 00:17:21,890
would it have killed you,
just once, to say, uh,
373
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:23,591
"you're... you're a
good boy, Spence"
374
00:17:23,660 --> 00:17:26,494
or "I'm proud of you, Spence."
375
00:17:26,562 --> 00:17:29,798
"I love you, Spence." Would
that have killed you?
376
00:17:32,835 --> 00:17:34,770
Oh, God, what have I done?
377
00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:45,080
It's gonna be ok, boy.
378
00:17:48,517 --> 00:17:51,186
No! You can't say I
called you with this.
379
00:17:52,254 --> 00:17:53,454
Who's that?
380
00:17:53,522 --> 00:17:55,423
The band leader for the wedding.
381
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:58,126
Ok. What I'm asking you to say
382
00:17:58,194 --> 00:18:01,730
is "Doug and Carrie just
requested this song."
383
00:18:03,733 --> 00:18:07,635
No! Honey, you have to
say that I just did it.
384
00:18:07,704 --> 00:18:10,972
Ok. You know what? Never mind.
You... ok, thank you. Bye.
385
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:12,674
Uh, no help, this guy over here.
386
00:18:12,742 --> 00:18:15,744
Jeez. What is up with people?
387
00:18:15,812 --> 00:18:17,913
Well, the wedding's in 2 hours.
388
00:18:17,980 --> 00:18:20,215
I'd say we're pretty
much screwed.
389
00:18:20,282 --> 00:18:22,650
Yeah. It's, uh, it's over.
390
00:18:22,719 --> 00:18:24,252
You know what I wonder?
391
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:28,289
What's that moment gonna be when they
finally realize we didn't show up?
392
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:29,825
How's it gonna come out?
393
00:18:29,892 --> 00:18:33,028
Will the gay couple tell them?
394
00:18:33,096 --> 00:18:35,430
The band leader? Our accountant?
395
00:18:36,933 --> 00:18:39,034
Here's how it's gonna happen,
396
00:18:39,102 --> 00:18:40,969
guy and Lisa are gonna
come to our table
397
00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:43,471
to thank us for sharing
their special day,
398
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:46,407
and all they're gonna
find are 2 uneaten steaks
399
00:18:46,475 --> 00:18:48,409
and a dirty little secret.
400
00:18:53,082 --> 00:18:54,449
How we doing on time?
401
00:18:54,516 --> 00:18:56,317
We're still 3 hours away.
402
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,019
Damn! Well, drive faster.
403
00:18:58,087 --> 00:19:00,956
Maybe we can make it there before
they bring out the friggin' cake.
404
00:19:01,023 --> 00:19:02,724
Oh, bear left. We
need the 95 South.
405
00:19:02,792 --> 00:19:03,892
Ok.
406
00:19:05,962 --> 00:19:08,663
Hand me the snapple bottle.
I gotta pee.
407
00:19:34,056 --> 00:19:36,792
There they are! Hurry up! I can see them!
They're leaving!
408
00:19:36,859 --> 00:19:39,527
I can't run in these heels!
Why are you wearing heels?
409
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:40,662
It's a wedding.
410
00:19:45,367 --> 00:19:48,003
Lisa! Guy! We're here!
411
00:19:48,070 --> 00:19:50,471
Hey! Doug here! The
steak was delicious!
412
00:19:50,539 --> 00:19:52,440
We're here! We're here!
413
00:19:52,508 --> 00:19:53,541
We're here!
414
00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:54,843
Excuse me! Excuse me!
415
00:19:54,911 --> 00:19:56,077
Whoo! Hey!
416
00:19:56,145 --> 00:19:59,915
Oh, they're gone. We missed 'em.
417
00:19:59,982 --> 00:20:02,851
They probably couldn't see us
through all the frickin' bubbles.
418
00:20:02,919 --> 00:20:05,120
Ok. There's no way we drove
all the way to Maryland
419
00:20:05,188 --> 00:20:08,023
and we're not getting
credit for it.
420
00:20:08,090 --> 00:20:10,358
Come on, come on.
Here, take 'em.
421
00:20:16,432 --> 00:20:18,700
I... I'm sorry. This is
groom's family only.
422
00:20:18,767 --> 00:20:22,170
That's right. I'm, uh, I'm
his, uh, step-nephew.
423
00:20:22,238 --> 00:20:23,504
All right. Hey.
424
00:20:23,572 --> 00:20:26,341
Groom's family only, please.
425
00:20:26,408 --> 00:20:29,277
All right, all right.
Fine. Sorry. Sorry.
426
00:20:29,345 --> 00:20:30,912
Excuse me. Sorry.
427
00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:34,983
Ok, everybody say
"wedded bliss."
428
00:20:35,051 --> 00:20:36,651
Wedded bliss.
429
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:42,824
Groom's family only.
430
00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:59,048
♪ People, let me tell you
'bout my best friend ♪
431
00:20:59,117 --> 00:21:01,084
♪ he's a warm-hearted person
432
00:21:01,152 --> 00:21:03,620
♪ who'll love me till the end ♪
433
00:21:03,687 --> 00:21:07,324
♪ people, let me tell you
'bout my best friend ♪
434
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:09,726
♪ he's a one-boy cuddly toy
435
00:21:09,793 --> 00:21:11,894
♪ my up, my down,
my pride and joy ♪
436
00:21:11,962 --> 00:21:13,930
♪ people, let me
tell you 'bout him ♪
437
00:21:13,998 --> 00:21:15,532
♪ he's so much fun
438
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,567
♪ whether we're
talkin' man-to-man ♪
439
00:21:17,635 --> 00:21:19,569
♪ or whether we're
talkin' son-to-son ♪
440
00:21:19,637 --> 00:21:22,105
♪ 'cause he's my best friend
441
00:21:23,641 --> 00:21:26,610
♪ yeah, he's my best
friend, LA LA ♪