Carrie! Come on, we gotta go!
CARRIE: I'm coming!
League starts in 20 minutes.
Will you relax?
Broads.
So where are you off to tonight?
Are the bowling shirt and bowling ball any help, or...
All right, call off your dogs, sassy.
Just making small talk.
All right. Look, I was out of line there. I'm sorry.
Quite all right.
So where you off to?
Carrie!
Come on, what are you doing?
Wh-what are you doing?
Ironing my jeans. I'm almost done.
What's wrong with the ones you had on?
I don't like the way my butt looked in those.
Ah, come on.
Hey, back it off!
This is between me and my ass.
You'll have to understand,
bowling is all about the way you look from behind.
Yeah, and you looked fine in the other ones.
Although I can't say I'm hating this look.
Get you spread eagle on the hood of a Camaro,
we got a big-selling poster.
I am done.
Oh, yeah, put your pants on slow for daddy.
Ooh, yeah. Mmm-mmmm.
Shut up, would you, please?
Okay, nice. Let's go, slammo.
Thank God.
Oh, yeah.
All right! The Cooper's Onion Ringers have arrived.
Yeah! Yeah!
Okay, nobody seems to care.
That's because they're all losers.
All right, people. Let's push some tables together.
Three pitchers right over here.
Spence, nice bowling tonight, cutie.
Gosh, the man can't run, he can't jump.
He can barely walk, but, damn it, he can roll a ball.
Magic fingers. I got magic fingers.
And lanucci,
obviously trying to impress someone
into having sex with him.
I don't know, I wasn't that impressed.
Just scored a 135.
Hey, a 191. I gets no love?
Come on, Deac. We're the legends.
We don't talk about it, we just do it.
Yeah, yeah. A 191, I want to talk about it.
Hey, how about Carrie over here, huh?
Hey, my lovely wife, huh?
Gutting her way to a personal best score of... 47.
Sucky bowler right here.
Can't bowl for crap. Yeah!
Hey, but her ass was in great form, huh?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
All I saw was a nice ass.
Well, if you guys will excuse me,
I'm gonna go stop in on Bobby
and pick up our league checks.
So do me a favor. Order me several thousand hot wings.
Bobby! Yo, Bobby!
Bobby! Hey, you're not Bobby. Where's Bobby?
I fired Bobby. Who are you?
Oh, I was just... I was... Who are you?
My name is Bruce Degner.
Oh, so you're the new Bobby?
No, I'm not the new Bobby.
My father-in-law owns this place.
He just had a massive brain aneurysm...
Which he richly deserves.
So now I have to spend time I don't have
away from my law practice to come in here every night
and sit and look over this random heap
of Post-its and napkins
that passes around here for a ledger.
Something I'm trying very hard to do right now,
which brings me back to my original,
still unanswered question...
Who are you?
Hi, I'm Doug. Doug Heffernan.
I'm a member of the bowling team you sponsor.
Well, member... I'm actually the captain.
So, what do you want, captain?
Uh, it's just that, uh, Bobby, who I did not like,
uh, was supposed to leave me a check
for our league dues this month.
Oh, swell, because this place
really isn't hemorrhaging quite enough money yet.
All right, how much?
It's $1,500. Boy, it's getting cold down here.
Were you outside?
1,500 for the year?
Uh, well, if you mean calendar year, yes.
There is another 1,500 due in the middle of the season,
but that's way, way off.
So let me get this straight.
Cooper's has been paying you people $3,000 a year...
No, season. Season, to bowl?
Can I assume that you are some of the finest bowlers
in the history of mankind?
If you want to.
Sorry, Doug. I can't do it.
Come on, Bruce. You can't just drop us.
Cooper's bowling team is a great tradition.
Plus it's great for business too.
You know, people see us bowling out there
wearing these shirts that say Cooper's, you know,
and they think to themselves...
"Cooper's." You with me?
I think so.
Plus when we win a big championship,
there's an article in the newspaper,
pictures, more publicity.
You're a championship team?
Did I say that? Yes.
Well, no, no, no, we're not.
But we often make incredible comebacks that fall just short.
Listen, Doug. You seem like a nice guy.
So do you.
But it just doesn't make any sense to me
to sponsor a bowling team unless it wins.
And even then, it's hard to get too enthusiastic.
Yeah, but the shirt?
Yes, I know the shirts, yes, yes.
But, uh... Look, I guess if you did well,
the publicity would be good for business.
I'll tell you what. You do what you got to do,
and show me you got a shot at winning one of those trophies...
You know, the guy on top with the sweater and the silver...
And I'll write you a check. You got it?
I got it. I promise we'll kick it up a notch.
We'll see how you do next Wednesday.
All right. Even if we lose, though,
I could always just buy you one of those trophies.
Or just stand in your office like this, you know?
All right, man. Thank you.
Okay, now, when we lose,
it's only by an average of about 40 pins.
So just one more strike, you know, per game
from each of us ought to do it.
That's it, just one more strike each.
Or two of us have to get two more strikes each.
Or we each take a turn bowling a perfect game.
All right! I know, it's Carrie! She stinks!
She's stinky Carrie! But what am I supposed to do?
I can't fire my own wife.
If you don't, we're not gonna have a team anymore.
Well, then, you know what? Screw it.
We don't need the league, right?
With that whole free lane time, free food.
I say we all get together and bowl on another night
like regular people, huh? You wanna?
No.
Oh, God.
Come on, we've been bowling in a league for three years.
That's the life we know.
We're not like the others anymore.
Anyway, look, we gotta have two women out of six.
League rules. So who are we gonna get to replace Carrie?
Pam Dimeo, who I wanted to get in the first place.
Pam Dimeo, she's awesome.
Can you get her? Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
This is Carrie we're talking about here.
You guys are like a pack of wild dingoes,
you know, biting into her flesh and...
pulling her off the bowling team.
Come on, Moose, don't be putting this on us.
When we first put this team together,
we wanted to be good. You more than anybody.
That's true. He's right.
Yeah. And one day you pranced in
and said, "Carrie's on the team" and that was it.
I know, I know.
She was like, "Oh, bowling. I wanna play.
How much fun would that be?"
Play. First of all, you don't even play bowling, okay?
You go bowling.
You should have just nixed it then, Moose.
Nix it how?
By not mentioning it in front of her to begin with.
Kelly didn't know I was in a bowling league till year two.
This is brutal.
Now I either gotta fire my wife
or just let the team just fall apart.
It's like, it's like Sophie's Choice.
Not really.
No? What was Sophie's choice again?
She had to decide which of her children to give to the Nazis.
Okay, yeah, that's harder.
Oh, what am I gonna do?
Hey, guys, what's up?
What's up?
What, did I, uh, did I interrupt something?
You guys talking about chicks?
See a nice rack?
Huh? Nice set of ta-tas?
Huh?
Yes. Two.
Okay. That sucked.
Yeah. Yeah, it did.
Mmm. Diet Coke me, baby.
You know what? Uh... Just for fun,
why don't we try to, like, bowl really well, okay?
Are your sideburns longer?
I don't know. Maybe.
Look, Wednesday night we're playing Hey, Eddie's Pizza,
and I just... I want to beat them.
Why? I like their pizza.
That's not the point.
I just think we should try to win more often,
because winning is good. You know, it means you won.
Okay.
All right, so let's practice.
Yeah, let's practice. Okay, great.
Let me break it down for you.
Okay. All right.
It's very simple, all right? It's here.
It's one, two, three, four.
Yes. Ah, yes. See?
Use the arrows on the lane. They're your friends.
Oh, all right, yeah, okay.
Let me try, let me try. Great, great, great.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, you ready?
Yep. Nice and easy. Here we go.
Okay, okay.
Okay, it's one, two...
Okay, that's four. You forgot three, forgot three.
Yeah, yeah, number three.
Okay, here. Uh, let me try to teach you
a little something about form. Come here.
Teach away, Mr. Kot-ter.
All right, remember now, it's here first.
And then one, two, three, four...
No! Carrie, come on.
You copped a feel there, didn't you?
Yeah, you did.
Knock it off!
I wanna win on Wednesday, okay?
What's the big deal?
I just want to beat Hey, Eddie's!
Why?
They don't use enough sauce.
All right, talk to me here.
What the hell is going on?
It's the new guy running Cooper's, all right?
He's not gonna sponsor the team
unless we get better.
A-ha.
In fact, if we don't win Wednesday, it's over.
That's why I wanted you to practice.
Because I'm the weak link. Got it.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I just thought maybe, you know,
if you improve, you might become one of those bowlers
that actually...
knocks pins down.
Okay, well, let me save you some time here.
I suck at bowling and I always will.
Don't say that.
Doug, stop it, will you?
I'm not gonna get any better.
So what is it? You want me off the team? Is that it?
No, I don't want you off the team.
Why, you want to be off the team?
Well, if I'm gonna ruin it for everybody else.
You sure you're okay with this?
I guess I have to be, don't I?
Hey, who's up for lemon ices?
Hey, Bruce.
Oh, hello.
How's it going? How's your father-in-law doing?
Is he feeling any better?
He flat-lined for over a minute yesterday.
Uh-huh. So, what else is up?
You want something?
Yeah, actually, I want to talk to you about the team.
Team? The bowling team.
Oh, yeah.
We've got kind of a little problem.
Uh, I mean, the bowling team is great,
except for one person... Not so great.
Never gonna win with this person.
And this person turns out to be,
wouldn't you know it? My wife, yeah.
$6.00 for a urinal cake. It's madness.
We ought to make people bring their own.
Uh, my wife?
What about her?
She's the bad bowler.
And?
And, I guess what I'm asking
is if you wouldn't mind overlooking
the whole not winning thing, you know,
so I could keep her on the team.
Otherwise, at home, I'm gonna hear a lot of:
Yeah. I know what that's like.
Wanna hear a funny story?
Sure.
About a year or so ago,
my wife is all stressed out.
For what reason, God only knows.
She decides she's gonna take a yoga class.
Yoga, right?
Right, with the feet behind the head.
It's crazy, right?
So she starts going three times a week, and it works.
She looks relaxed, she's happy. You know why?
Why?
It turns out she was having
a great deal of sex with the instructor.
Oh, my God!
Oh, man, that is so...
Huh. Yeah.
The point is,
we all have problems with our wives, don't we?
I guess so, yeah.
Hey. Hey.
I'm just, uh...
I gotta head off to the, uh...
It's time for me to go... you know...
Yes, I know.
Right. All righty.
Well, you have a great night. I love you, okay?
Love you too. See you later.
Hello, Douglas.
What's going on?
Isn't she bowling tonight?
Uh... No, Dad.
Why isn't she bowling tonight?
She, uh...
I'm not on the team anymore.
Why not?
Is she injured?
No. The guy at Cooper's
told Doug that the team has to start winning more
or he won't sponsor it.
So you fired her off the team?!
No, I just...
I agreed to quit, Dad.
And you just let her quit?!
It's okay, Dad.
It is not okay.
We're talking about disloyalty and backstabbing.
And for what, a free night of bowling?
Excuse me, honey, but I don't like the smell in here.
Okay. Be back by 10:00.
Well here he is. Thanks for showing up.
Sorry, had a little trouble
getting out of the house.
Doug, this is our new teammate, Pam Dimeo.
Hey, how you doing, buddy?
Whoa.
All right, it's time to focus.
We're fighting for our lives here.
Hey, Eddie's! Pizza's going down.
Moose, you're up. Let's go!
Let's get down to business.
No, uh, he's Moose.
Time to get serious here.
Come on, Dougie!
Come on, pick it up.
Spare it up, Dougie, boy.
Yeah, yeah, sparing it up. Sparing it up.
Up it will be spared.
DOUG: Okay, you know what your problem is?
You're not thinking about what you're doing.
Think. Think.
Don't think.
Clear your head, nice and easy.
Oh, mother of crap!
Okay, it's one, two, three, four.
The arrows are your friends.
You fired your wife from the bowling team.
Oh, you're an ugly, ugly man.
Oh, look at that, the Brunswick Man wears a crown.
Come on, focus, focus!
Focus on the ball or on the pins.
One or the other. You fired your wife!
It's okay, it's okay. I'm doing good!
I'm actually... I'm good, I'm good.
They all know I'm good. Yeah, yeah.
I'm good. Good bowler. Big Doug. Big, big Doug.
Good bowler. Where's the ball? Where's the ball?
Oh, what's the difference? Really, what does it matter?
Use the arrows. Why, why?!
You don't deserve to use those arrows!
Shut up, Hey, Eddie's!
Honey... Honey...
Hey, Bruce, can I talk to you?
Look, honey, if the doctor says
it's time to pull the plug, he must have a good reason.
A-a-and plus, that nurse also thought it was time,
don't forget that.
Only one second.
Hang on, honey, there's a guy in my office.
Fine. Just lie down and put the doctor on. All right.
What do you want?
I wanted to let you know the bowling team won tonight.
Yes! There is a God!
Hello, doctor. Dr. Goldman, listen...
And-and-and and-and-and...
Hold on, doctor.
I also want you to know I'm quitting the team.
But don't worry, everything will be fine,
because my friend Deacon... You don't know him,
he's a good guy... He's gonna be taking over
as the new captain, and he'll get a great bowler
to replace me and they're gonna get you
one of those trophies, you know.
Doug, you have any idea what's going on here?
I'm about to give my permission
to make a man stop living. No, no! That was not official!
Right, right, right, right. I understand that.
I wanted to make sure we're on the same page.
I'm out, Deacon's in. Great bowling team.
You'll keep writing those checks.
It all sounds so wonderful. Now please leave.
Okay, I'm out of here.
And hey, good luck with the whole plug-pulling thing.
I'm sure you'll make the right decision.
Unlike pulling the mozzarella sticks from the menu.
We can go over that another time.
"Famous H's for 300.
She's the face that launched a thousand ships."
I don't know.
From Troy.
Not sure.
Helen of Troy.
I still don't know.
That's the answer!
Hey.
Hey. How was bowling?
Yeah, how was it? After firing your wife,
did you find a little chippie? Huh, did you?
Mr. Arnold?
Benedict Arnold?
Famous traitor, Revolutionary War?
Doesn't anybody read a book around here?
He's still pretty mad at you.
You might not want to use the shampoo.
Thanks for the warning.
So you guys went pretty late tonight, huh?
Well, actually, I stopped by Cooper's after
and I quit the team.
You quit the team? Why?
Why? You know this wasn't working.
Come on, me on the team, you not on the team.
All the unspoken tension.
You know, we pass in the morning...
"Oh, hello. You're looking well."
Okay, which one of us said that?
You know what I mean, all right?
I mean, I felt bad, you know?
I was thinking about you all night, and I bowled an 80.
Aw, you sucked because of me?
That's so sweet.
But, honey, you shouldn't have quit the team.
Yeah, I should have. Look at you.
This is the first time in a week you're not depressed.
Well, yes, that's because I'm touched
that you were willing to quit.
So it is good that I quit?
No, it's not good that you quit.
Okay, what is this, a riddle?
Look, Doug, I don't want you to quit the team.
I never wanted you to quit the team.
I just wanted you to want to quit.
Why didn't you just say that?
Well, I couldn't say that. If I had said that,
then you wouldn't really be wanting to quit.
You would just be wanting it
because I wanted you to want it.
Okay, if you don't make sense, I'm gonna tackle you.
I want you on the team.
So let me understand this.
There's no actual plug per se?
Psst!
Got a sec?
I don't understand.
What is it? That I'm an older gentleman?
Because let me tell you, darling,
I'll treat you like no man you've ever been with.
No, thanks, buddy.
Playing hard to get? I like it.