[♪]
Doug, I'm back! Sorry it took me so long.
DOUG: It's okay. Gotta level with you.
I didn't know you went anywhere.
Ay.
I dropped my dad off at Mickey's,
and I brought the dog to the kennel.
Sweetie, where are the bags?
Deacon and Kelly are gonna be here any minute to pick us up.
It's all right, I'm coming down right now, and I got them.
Oh, God.
What are you doing? Make two trips.
I got it, I got it. Out of the way.
Oh, God.
There you go. Nice job, huh?
Yeah, nice job, but that there,
that's our hamper.
You put all the luggage next to it.
I just went in and I forklifted everything.
Where are these guys anyway?
I want to get up there before dinner.
That's the beauty of taking a trip by car.
You can change your mind at the last minute,
go someplace else.
Doug, don't start.
Could you take one more look at it?
Come on. Deluxe room, Trump Tower and Casino.
I'm not looking.
$39 a night and every room has its own love tub.
Doug, do you really want to spend our anniversary
at a craps table?
There and in the love tub.
Honey, this place is supposed to be really nice.
They have apple orchards
and little brooks with waterfalls.
Hey, I bet you five bucks we see a bunny.
I don't wanna see a bunny. I wanna see three bunnies
followed by the sound of change dropping.
Annoying.
Now, listen to me.
I am going upstate for a romantic weekend.
You could come or not, but either way, I'm getting some.
Maybe I better be there for that.
Yeah. That's my boy. Okay.
♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪
♪ My back is gettin' tight ♪
♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪
♪ On the Queensborough bridge Tonight ♪
♪ But I don't care 'Cause all I wanna do ♪
♪ Is cash my check And drive right home to you ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you ♪
[♪]
Look at this. Apple soap, apple shampoo.
These people took a theme and really ran with it, huh?
Uh-huh.
Look, look, l-l-look.
How do you like them apples?
All right, that's my joke for the weekend,
so get used to it.
Oh, no. I think I packed too fast.
What do you mean?
I have seven t-shirts and 12 pairs of socks.
No pants and no underwear.
Don't worry, honey.
I packed you some stuff.
And look.
What do you think of this?
Wow.
I'm gonna have to diet like a madman.
Okay, do we get the apple room,
or is it the whole place?
Oh, God.
I know. Apples everywhere.
And yet, the computer at the front desk?
IBM. Go figure.
Hey, man, I got us a 2:00 tee time.
Cool.
Wow. For a straight guy, you pack a beautiful suitcase.
Just like to keep things organized.
See, I got my dress pants and dress shirts here,
my golf shirts there,
my dress socks, golf socks, sweaters,
t-shirts, vitamins.
I have nothing to cover the lower half of my body.
I'm sure we can get the other guests to chip in
and buy you something.
Ah, look at this!
Brought a little funk to upstate, huh?
Oh, yeah. Track one is our special song,
if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, yeah. Music to shimmy by.
That's what I'm talking 'bout.
[MARVIN GAYE'S "LET'S GET IT ON" PLAYING FROM CD PLAYER]
♪ I've been really tryin' Baby ♪
♪ Tryin' to hold back This feeling for so long ♪
♪ And if you feel Like I feel, baby.. ♪
Should we cancel the golf?
Thanks again for dinner, you guys.
It's your anniversary.
It's the least we could do.
That was very sweet. Now, listen.
Do not get us a gift, and I mean it.
Um...we're not.
Oh.
Well, good.
So...
You starting to like this place, hon?
Yeah, it's okay. A lot better than that resort
we stayed at in Florida last year.
Oh, come on, you can't compare the two.
It's apples and oranges.
Hah!
What? Nothing for that one, either?
There's no minibar key.
Oh, I have that.
Oh, give it to me.
No. You can't be trusted with an open minibar.
Would you give me the key?
No! Doug, remember last year at the Marriott?
I left you alone for two minutes,
and I found you passed out on the $12 Bit-O-Honey.
Give me the key and we can get on with our lives.
No! Not so fast, buddy. No. How about this?
You do a little something to my satisfaction,
and maybe I will reward you with a treat.
Just give me the key. No.
Give me the key! Stop!
["LET'S GET IT ON" AUDIBLE THROUGH WALL]
♪ I've been really tryin' Baby ♪
What is it?
That's their song.
What?
Deacon and Kelly. They play that music
when they get a little-- Hello!
Oh!
Oh, yeah. We have cleared the tower.
Don't listen!
Godspeed, Deacon Palmer.
Doug, you really can't think of anything better to do?
Oh, yeah. The minibar key.
That's right.
Now, why don't you come over here
and give me your minibar key?
Sorry. I meant that cute, but it came out hurtful.
That's all right. I'm shaking it off.
Okay.
[♪]
That was really something, Dougie.
Well, thank you.
And you faked more than usual tonight.
Well, it is our anniversary.
So how's your $7 bag of pretzels?
Cheddar cheese and honey pretzels, for your information.
And not so good.
Well, anyway, you earned them.
["LET'S GET IT ON" PLAYING]
♪ I've been really tryin' Baby ♪
Going for the repeat.
Maybe they're just playing the song again.
Oh, gotta throw you a no on that one.
Stop! Stop listening! Now, come on.
We gotta get some sleep. We got a big day tomorrow.
What are we doing?
After you play golf, we're gonna go on a nature walk, canoeing,
and we're gonna learn how they make apple cider.
Can't some things just remain a mystery?
Happy anniversary.
I love you. I love you too.
♪ Let's get it on ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo...
["LET'S GET IT ON" PLAYING]
♪ I've been really tryin' Baby ♪
♪ Tryin' to hold back This feeling for so long ♪
♪ And if you feel Like I feel, baby ♪
What? What is it?
Nothing. Go back to bed.
♪ Oh, come on
♪ Whoo
♪ Let's get it on ♪
Big day tomorrow. Cider.
Yeah, big day, big day.
♪ Let's get it on ♪
♪ Let's love, baby ♪
♪ Let's get it on ♪
♪ Sugar
♪ Let's get it on... ♪
[♪]
You should probably start getting dressed.
I told Kelly we would meet them in the lobby at 9:00.
Oh, right.
Right.
Uh, listen, once again...
last night was very nice.
And you were extra special sexy.
Oh, yeah?
Well, you were a real tiger.
No, you were. No, you were.
All right. Let's just agree we were both tigers.
Okay.
["LET'S GET IT ON" PLAYING]
♪ I've been really tryin' Baby... ♪
You can probably take your time getting dressed.
I hope they make it in time for breakfast.
Or at least in time for lunch.
Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!
You two wanna be alone?
No, no. I'm just, uh,
checking to see what kind of apples they were.
Just regular red ones.
Sorry we're late.
Oh, that's okay, that's okay. No prob.
It's hard to get going in the morning, you know?
Wanna hit the buffet? Yeah. I'm starving.
Ooh. An omelet bar. You with me?
Yeah, let's do it.
Morning, my man.
I'll have a three-egg omelet
with ham, tomato, green peppers, and chives.
Yeah, I'll have the same.
Oh, and mushrooms too.
Yeah, and mushrooms too.
Sorry again about being so late.
Oh, that's okay.
So, what was the hold-up?
Lose a contact?
Knot in a shoelace?
No. Actually, Deacon woke me up
with a little something-something on his mind.
Oh, really?
That's sweet.
I guess being up here away from the kids,
you two finally have a chance to go a little crazy, right?
Not really.
We manage to do pretty well at home too.
Where there's a will, there's a way, am I right?
♪ Let's get it on ♪
♪ Ow, baby
♪ Mm!
♪ Let's get it on ♪
♪ Sugar
♪ Whoo! Mmm!
♪ Let's get it on ♪
All right, knock it off!
Why?
You're making me look bad!
What are you talking about?
You and Kelly three times last night,
and then what was this little thing this morning?
What was that all about?
You just trying to zetz me?
So come on, there's gotta be something up here
that's getting you going?
What is it? The clean air, the water,
apples turn you on? What?
No. What is going on with you?
Nothing.
No, seriously, tell me.
What's wrong?
Well, I've always thought that Doug and I had a good sex life,
and I mean, we do,
but I started thinking that...
maybe I just don't turn Doug on anymore.
I'm still really turned on by her, Deac, I am.
It's just that you know what it is?
I'm just built to fire once.
Like a musket.
What do you want from me?
I guess I would just feel better
if Doug and I were having more sex.
I'd just feel better
if you and Kelly were having less sex.
Okay, so we set aside a little too much time
to watch cider-making.
I mean, who'd have thought?
It's basically just squeezing the crap out of an apple.
So, what do you wanna do now? You wanna go for a walk?
We were out all day. I'm kinda beat.
You wanna just hang out here?
Yeah. I'm a little tired too.
You wanna watch a movie?
Way ahead of you.
How about Bloodsport?
No. I read the book.
Come on, honey, pick a regular movie, will you?
I'm gonna go wash up.
["LET'S GET IT ON" PLAYING]
♪ I've been really tryin' Baby ♪
♪ Tryin' to hold back This feelin' for so long ♪
You're killing me here!
I thought you guys were out watching them make cider.
We got back early, all right? It's a very simple process.
How was I supposed to know you were back?
Fine! Next time, I'll put a tie on the door
when Carrie and I are inside not having sex!
Why don't you just take it easy, huh?
Me? You know, I ask you one thing,
stay away from your wife.
Is that too much?
For your information, this is not totally up to me.
Kelly has a little bit of say in this too.
Hey, she can't make you, all right?
No means no.
What are those?
My vitamins.
Oh, no. No more supersonic sex pills for you, my friend.
Get off!
Great. Just great.
Hey, you ever think you can solve this
by just having more sex with your wife?
Don't try and make this about me.
Because I'm telling you, man, me and Kelly
are going on a moonlight boat ride tonight
and having some brandies by that fireplace downstairs,
so when we get back up here--
Hey, enough!
So this is the way it's gonna be, huh?
You're just gonna continue on with this sick behavior?
Yeah.
I love my wife.
I wanna enjoy her and make her happy.
Okay, good. Well, thanks for nothing.
Hi.
Oh, Mrs. Heffernan.
I hope you and your husband are enjoying your stay.
Yes. We love your, um, your apples.
Uh, something I can do for you?
Uh, yes. Actually, it's kind of our anniversary weekend.
Oh, that's lovely.
Thank you.
Um, I was wondering if there was a place around here...
uh...
you know, like a store that might sell clothes...
other items...
fun items that, uh...
might enhance or...
spice up, if you will...
a young couple's anniversary?
Uh...
There's a Sears down on route 40.
Uh...no.
Ahem.
I meant more of a...
specialty store.
Uh-huh.
L.L. Bean?
I'll go there. Thank you.
[♪]
Oh, Mr. Heffernan,
if you're looking for your wife,
she went up to your room about 10 minutes ago.
Oh, thanks.
And, uh, happy anniversary, by the way.
Thanks again.
My wife and I,
we're celebrating our 42nd this month.
Forty-two years. Wow. Congratulations.
And I tell you, I love her more every day.
Really?
You ever love her twice in one day?
Sorry.
Hi, Dougie.
Wh-wh-what are you... what are you wearing?
Oh, this?
Just a little apple princess outfit I picked up in town.
Why?
To mix it up a little bit.
I saw you eyeing that big cutout in the lobby, so...
here you go.
And hey, with me, no paper cuts, hmm?
Doesn't Doug likey?
Oh, yeah! Dougie likey, yeah.
Okay, so come on.
Let's make some cider.
What's the matter?
Nothing. Just, for a second there,
you reminded me of my mother.
Wait! Ew!
Your mother?
You don't look like her.
You look like the lady on the box of cocoa
my mother used to make for me.
That's what you were thinking when I was kissing your neck?
At first, yeah.
Then I was thinking
about how I used to like two packets in one mug.
Make it extra cocoa-y.
Okay. I'm guessing the outfit's not working.
No, it's fine! Come on, stay!
You look hot, apple wench! Let's go!
Okay.
Come on.
If you could just lose the braids.
Oh, forget it! This is stupid!
I'm sorry! I'm trying!
We should've just gone to Atlantic City.
Then the sex stuff never would've even come up.
["LET'S GET IT ON" PLAYING]
♪ I've been really tryin' Baby ♪
Yeah, you're coming on our next vacation, right!
♪ And if you feel Like I feel, baby ♪
♪ Come on
♪ Oh, come on
Hey, what's the matter?
Um, nothing.
I just thought, you know,
why don't we go learn how cider is made?
You don't wanna fool around?
Uh...
not right now.
Why not?
You getting tired of your baby?
Um...
Yes?
Yes. The couple next door.
Yeah. They're in room 21.
Yeah. The music is just way too loud.
Doug, stop it!
It's not their fault.
Oh, then I guess it must be my fault, huh? Captain Inadequate.
What?
I see the look in your face when that music comes on.
The longing, the disappointment,
the "Oh, what might have been."
What are you talking about?
It's not you. It's me.
What?
Yeah. I mean, obviously, I don't turn you on anymore.
You don't turn me on?
Well, no. Not the way I used to.
Have you ever seen the look on my face when you get naked?
It's like a kid looking at Halloween candy.
Or me looking at Halloween candy.
Really?
Believe me, you're not the problem.
The problem's right here, the one-hit wonder.
Would you stop it? You're fine.
I'm not fine, all right?
I do it once, then pass out like a grizzly bear
that got shot in the ass with a sedative dart.
[GROWLS]
And that is fine with me.
Look, after we make love, I want to stop.
Because I'm happy, and I'm fulfilled.
Plus, I like to watch you sleep.
You drool a little. It's cute.
If you're happy...
and I'm happy,
then why are we getting so crazy?
I don't know.
♪ Let's get it on ♪
♪ Ooh
Deacon, what is going on?
Nothing's going on.
Something's going on.
I just don't wanna have sex with you.
Why can't you respect that?
So you wanna open up some of that apple wine in the minibar?
Yeah. I'll get some ice. It'll dull the taste.
Okay. While you're doing that,
I will change out of this stupid thing.
Now, you did say naked works for you, right?
Oh, yeah. Naked's a crowd-pleaser.
Kelly, c-come on!
Don't be like that, Kelly!
Trouble in paradise?
NARRATOR: After harvesting,
the apples are sorted by size and color,
then carefully packed for their journey
to dinner tables across the country.
Mm-mmm!
These beauties should keep the doctor away.
What are you watching?
It's a tape. I bought it in the hotel gift shop.
Why?
It was on sale.
NARRATOR: Truly nature's most versatile fruit.
Well, Mr. and Mrs. America,
how do you like them apples?
Hey! That's my bit!
[♪]