Doug, just admit it.
Carrie, I was not crying, okay?
Come on, it was a sad movie, it's okay to cry.
For the last time, I got nacho sauce in my eye
and yeah, there were tears, but they were snack-related.
Okay, 'cause I thought I saw a different side of you
and it, uh, kind of turned me on.
Oh, me crying turns you on.
Yes, that's right.
Tell you the truth, I was actually thinking
of doing the, uh, birthday thing for you.
Oh, yeah, okay, the birthday thing.
Yeah, that's right.
But it doesn't really matter now, does it?
Because you made it clear that you were not crying.
Wait, Carrie, wait.
I was crying.
Oh, shut up.
No, I was, I mean...
When the baby penguin, you know, died, after the parents
tried to save it through the long winter...
I don't know, it just got to me.
It did.
You see, I knew you were crying.
How about the birthday thing?
Yeah, right.
Thank you guys so much for having us over.
This is great.
Yeah, you two freaks can cook.
Well, I figured it was time to reciprocate.
You guys have us over all the time.
We actually don't have you over.
You just come.
Sometimes when we're not there.
We found stuff.
Well, uh, tonight is a very special occasion.
It is?
Yeah.
This is may 15th, the 2 year anniversary
of when we moved in together.
Somebody's gettin' lucky tonight.
Actually, I am.
I was kidding.
No, we made a deal, I get the big bedroom.
Remember?
If after two years we're too poor to move
and still have no girlfriends,
the big bedroom reverts to Spence.
Well, we're still poor and we're still single.
Yeah, well, you know what?
I'm not moving into that mop closet.
No, I have it in writing.
Oh yeah, oh, okay, well, now you don't.
That napkin is binding.
Yeah, well then don't eat it.
Hey, you are moving your stuff out of my room.
No, I'm not.
Okay, you know what, this is so typical.
You never give back money when I loan it to you.
You never clean up after yourself and now this?
I'm tired of it.
You know what I'm tired of?
Your big fat head.
Yeah, well, I'm tired of your head.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary to you.
That ice cream cake we brought needs to sit out.
Oh my God.
Dad, are you okay? What happened?
He's okay, he just inhaled a little smoke.
Smoke from what?
There was a small fire in the basement.
But thank God nobody got hurt.
For what it's worth, I'd say it's not a great idea
to have him making bacon next to an open can of gasoline.
I told you not to cook down there.
You banned me from the kitchen!
Okay, I swear, I'm gonna kill...
You know everybody, you might want to look away
because I am going to kill him!
Honey.
No, I'm sick of it, Carrie, I'm sick of him.
Doug, take it easy, he's been through a lot.
Okay, Lou, please stay out of this.
You would not want to see me when I'm angry.
So my dad's gonna sleep in the office.
The basement is kind of flooded.
Yeah, I know, I was thinking we could turn
it into a wet-and-wild.
Doug, look, I know you're a little upset.
A little upset, Carrie, we could have lost everything
down there, everything!
Doug, listen to me.
No, okay, my baseball card collection,
my cd's, my ab roller.
Doug, just shut up and listen to me one second, okay?
What?
Look, I've been thinking about this a lot and
I think it's time to do something about my dad.
You want to do the pillow thing we saw on law and order?
No.
I'm thinking that maybe we should...
Find some place else for him to live.
Are you serious?
For the last 8 years, every time he does something stupid
like steals money out of your wallet
or throws the remote control across the room
because he said Matt lauer stole his haircut,
I've always defended him, but it's not fair to you.
It's not fair to us.
It isn't fair to us.
So, what do you want to do?
Well, I think tomorrow maybe we should start
looking at some retirement homes for him.
Or, how about right now.
Now look, we got one over here in red meadows.
You know what, no bells and whistles
but it really gets the job done.
Come, sit, sit, sit.
Now, this one here is my favorite,
not to far away, it's pretty much in our price range
and I'm tellin' you, he's gonna like it.
Oh my God, my hands are shaking.
Doug, I don't know, the rooms look so small and depressing.
You know what, you'll never see it again.
Look, I didn't want to have to go expensive
but if we gotta do it, that's what we gotta do.
Here we go, not a problem.
Hey, look how nice this one is here, huh, look at them.
Look at them in the pool, they gotta pool, look at
the old people, they're aqua-dancing.
Hey, man.
All right, very funny, where's all my stuff?
Uh, I moved it into your room.
This is my room.
I don't think so, unless, uh, this is your
warriors of grun poster, starring one Tony Danza.
Okay, what do you think, I'm an idiot?
I'll just move everything back.
Let me get out of your way.
You bolted everything down.
Yeah, and one of my things has an electric current
running through it, I'll let you find that for yourself.
Flat screen will go right there, right?
Air hockey table over here with, like, a hot dog cart.
And how about this, I'm just thinkin',
one of those chairs that takes me up and down the stairs, huh?
Fun now, necessary later.
So does Arthur know he's getting the boot yet?
Yeah, we broke it to him last night at sizzler.
How'd it go?
Not as well as we thought.
He held his breath a couple minutes and he bit a waiter.
Okay, well anyway, is anything valuable in here?
It's all soaked.
I don't know, why don't you just open it up.
Man.
What the hell is this stuff?
It's playbills.
Fiddler on the roof?
The iceman cometh?
Is that Arthur?
Yeah, looks like him.
Hey, I didn't know he was an actor.
Neither did I.
Well, we had a bomb scare in the Bronx yesterday.
But it turned out to be a cantaloupe.
Requesting permission to have a glass of water.
Arthur, you don't need to ask permission about everything.
Of course I do, I'm a guest in your house.
At least until you throw me out into the street.
Hey, what is this stuff?
Where did you get that?
Down in the basement.
Yes, locked up in my trunk.
How dare you go through my private things!
You go through my stuff all the time.
That is a lie!
Arthur, yesterday I caught you eating my chap stick.
Now what is this?
Look, you were in TV shows and in Broadway plays.
You got pay stubs here for, like, thousands of dollars.
What's going on?
It was always my dream to be an actor.
I was a natural.
In fact, I was often compared
to a younger, shorter Fred mcmurray.
What happened, why is there a stubby Fred mcmurray
living in my basement?
The sixties happened, it was a time of free love.
One evening, I met a gorgeous young dancer.
We had a wild night, Douglas.
In the bed, in the shower, we destroyed a beanbag chair.
Back to the acting.
Anyway, nine months later...
Carrie was born.
I never acted again.
Why not?
Because in the performing arts you never know when you're
working, where you're working.
That's no way to raise a child.
So you just...
You stopped, I mean you just gave up your dream?
All for Carrie?
Yes, I decided to become a 9-to-5 Charlie
and give her the stable life she deserved.
But you've never held a job for more than a month.
I didn't say it worked out.
I'm home.
Does she know about this?
No, and promise me she never will.
Hey, buddy.
Yeah, this is real mature.
Yeah, well, I'm not the one who bolted my pottery wheel
to the floor.
You know what, I'm not leaving.
In fact...
I'm never leaving.
Well, neither am I, and f.Y.I.,
I have 9 sick days and I'm not afraid to use 'em.
I'll quit my job.
I'm about to be replaced by a Metro card machine anyway.
Hey!
There's the man I love.
Whoa, I guess somebody hit Margarita madness
on the way home, huh?
No, but I did hit happy hour
at the north shore retirement village.
Whoa, sounds rockin', how was it?
Oh my God, Doug, he's gonna love it.
I mean, they have ping-pong, crafts, and every Friday
is make your own sundae and movie night.
Maybe we should move in there and
give him the house.
I know, right?
Anyway, I filled out the paperwork.
He has orientation on Saturday, he moves
in on Sunday and then you got your basement back.
Yeah, I'm gonna throw something out at you.
Little bit of a curveball.
What are you talking about?
I see you got your game face on.
You're taking your lemons
and you're trying to making lemonade.
But you don't have to, Carrie.
Look, you're my wife and I know he's your dad.
If you want him here, he can stay.
Now come on, bring it in.
What are you doin' to me here?
What are you talking about?
This has been the hardest decision for me to make, Doug.
I finally convinced myself that putting
my dad in a retirement home was the best thing for everybody.
Now your sittin' here talking about lemonade?
I'm just saying I realized that, you know what,
I don't mind having him around.
Oh, really you don't mind it?
You were swinging a rake at him the other day.
That's how we play, okay?
Oh, come on.
I'm just saying, Carrie, he's not such a bad guy.
And I just, I got a feeling he's done some pretty nice
things in his life for you.
Oh, really? Name one.
That's what I thought.
Arthur, what are you still doing up?
Uh, I couldn't sleep.
Can I interest you in some of your scotch?
Listen, I want to tell Carrie about the acting thing.
Absolutely not.
Listen, I think if she knows about it, you know,
she may change her mind and you could... stay here.
So you're saying you want me here?
No, I don't want you here, no.
I'm used to the noise, you know, so, uh,
can I tell Carrie?
Douglas, I've done a lot of things in my life
I'm not proud of.
I've written thousands of bogus checks.
I started forest fires.
I sucker punched a lady cop.
But the one good thing I've done in my life
is to not let her know about this.
And when I get to those pearly gates that's all I got.
I'm just saying, look, I'm gonna take out a loan.
And I'm gonna turn that basement into my media room.
So I'm just sayin', look, this is your last chance.
Douglas, pull the trigger on that media room.
You sure that's what you want?
What I want is that you and Carrie have a wonderful life
because you deserve it.
Thanks, Arthur.
You know what?
I don't think you're gonna have any trouble
getting into those pearly gates.
Thank you, Douglas.
Want to see me in a prell commercial?
Let her rip.
And this is our rec room,
where the residents have a full range of activities.
They've got cards, and board games
and penny bingo.
Oh, that sounds like fun, right, dad?
Now, why don't I show you the rooms that are available.
Dad, come on.
What are you doing?
Ah, listening to music.
Can you turn it down? I'm trying to sleep.
Yeah, well, this whole thing could have been over with
if you just moved all your crap back to where it belonged.
No way.
Now come on, I gotta get up early for work.
That's if I was going.
Fine, you big baby.
What's all this junk all over the ceiling?
Duh, it's the universe, genius.
Those are glow in the dark stickers.
I know, I know.
And that's the big Dipper right over there.
No, that's Orion's belt.
Have you ever been to a planetarium?
The big Dipper's way over there.
What, that thing?
No, that's cassiopeia.
The big Dipper's right there, see the handle?
Oh, yeah.
Wow, you sure know a lot about this stuff.
Hey, when you're in the 10th grade
"and you're 4'10" and still hairless,
this is...
This is something to do on a Friday night.
So I want the projection TV with the 6-foot screen
and the, uh, deluxe surround sound.
What size speakers were you thinking?
Let's put it this way.
I don't want the sound just to surround me,
I want it in me.
I'll put you down for the bronco package.
All right, bronco.
Hey, art attack.
Douglas, can we talk for a sec?
Yeah.
Remember how you wanted to tell Carrie
about my giving up my dream for her?
Yeah.
Well, you can pull the trigger on that.
What?
Yeah, that retirement home is death, I don't want to go.
But, Arthur, it's too late.
You already told me to pull the trigger on the media room.
I'm changing my mind.
But you said it was the one good thing
you did in your life, and it was gonna get you
through the pearly gates.
Let's not kid ourselves, I'm going to hell
and you know it!
Now pull the trigger.
Arthur, you are making me crazy.
These last few days, you're going, you're staying.
Let me tell you something.
Carrie is fine with you goin', I'm fine with you goin'.
So you better get fine with it, you got it?
So we'll put a pin in it?
All right, Doug, we're leaving.
Okay.
All right, I'm gonna pull the car around.
You guys say your goodbyes, okay?
Well, uh, good luck, Arthur.
Thank you.
And what can I say, except...
I hope you die, you fat pig.
And to this day...
My dad still hasn't forgiven me for quitting the saxophone.
I mean, he couldn't grasp the fact that
I had asthma and that every time I played a song
I put my life on the line.
Well, at least your dad stuck around.
I mean, I've always wondered, like,
if I'd been taller or better at sports,
maybe he would have stayed.
Hey, do not blame yourself, he left you.
Yeah, you're right.
Oh my God, the sun's coming up.
Wow, we've been talkin' all night.
Hey, you know what?
You can have this room.
Really?
Yep.
I made a promise to you on that napkin
and I'm gonna stick to it.
I'm not going to be like your father.
Hey, wait wait wait.
Maybe you don't have to move out.
What do you mean?
If we shared a vanity we could
fit all our stuff in here.
Really?
Yeah, and we could turn the other bedroom
into a sitting room.
I like sitting.
Yeah, and you know what, we could put
a fold-out couch in there so if one
of us has a girl over
the other guy has a place to crash.
Yeah, might get more use out of a foosball table, but...
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, honey, I'm down here!
Hey, I have a great night set up for us.
I have your favorite movies, porky's, and pork rinds.
Huh, just you and me in our house.
Honey, I gotta tell you, the room looks great.
I mean, I really didn't think all this stuff was gonna work
like this carpet, the black and burgundy thing.
A little Danny terrio but it does work in here.
And that jets helmet is...
I can't do this, Doug.
I'm sorry, I tried, but I...
I want him back.
Please.
I promise, I will wash him, I will feed him.
You won't even know that he's here, I prom-
dad.
There she is!
Hi, welcome back.
Oh, I'm so glad you're back.
Thank you, it's good being back.
Although I'm not loving the color scheme.
This bronco package is marvelous!