Hey, babe.
Hey, what are you doing?
Nothing.
So thirsty. God, all day.
So drink something.
That's a good idea.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
Hey, welcome to your weekend.
I got the first of five-count 'em-
five planet of the apes DVDs
loaded up,
and we are stupid with twizzlers.
That's the candy of romance, by the way.
That's so sweet, but didn't you get my message?
No. My phone's on vibrate,
and I left it in my pocket, and...
You have a cigarette?
Anyway...
I'm going to Hartford this weekend.
What?
Yeah, my boss is sponsoring
this "houses across America" thing.
I have orientation tomorrow,
then we build houses for poor people on Sunday.
All right. Well, you want to go
with the 24-hour flu again,
or something in the mumps family?
Doug, stop. No, please. It's for charity.
Well-come-i-
I planned this whole weekend.
Now I have to watch all these by myself?
Excuse me, I just finished
working a 60-hour work week,
and now I got to get up
at 5 in the morning
to drive 120 Miles to pound nails for no money.
So I am sorry I can't sit
and watch little monkey movies with you, ok?
Ok, they're apes, not monkeys.
There's a difference.
Whatever.
It's that kind of arrogance
that led to them taking over the earth.
Ok. All right. How about this, Doug?
How about for once,
you care about another person other than yourself?
Oh, ooh, I can't watch movies with my husband
'cause I got to build homes for the poor.
Who's being selfish now, huh?
Fine.
Oh, good, you're home.
Hey, guy.
What are you doing?
Carrie had a business trip,
and we got into a little fight,
so I'm gonna go up and surprise her.
At least you have something to do this weekend.
Would you let this go?
We were gonna see the huey Lewis concert.
Mr. procrastinator waited. Now we don't have tickets.
Don't ask me to do things when I'm drunk.
When are you not?
If you were more supportive,
I wouldn't have to drink.
Don't turn this back on me.
You guys got a lot to work out,
so why don't you-you know what I'm saying?
Please.
Hey, guy, what's that?
What?
That's the jacket I wore
when I worked security at Nassau coliseum.
See that right there?
That's a little Jethro tull puke.
Man. Tell you what.
If we had another one of these,
we could get into the concert.
What do you mean?
Don't you get it? We wear the jackets,
we act like we work there.
We're not only in, we're backstage.
You went to see Steel Magnolias?
Give me that, would you?
Ok, we just spent three hours
learning how to hit a nail with a...
I want to say hammer.
Oh, I'm not sure. I slept through most of that.
Hey, where was Mr. Dugan anyway?
Oh, didn't you hear? He's not coming back
till the thank-you dinner on Sunday.
What?
Yeah, he and the other executives
flew down to Miami for another worthy cause-
the opening of the new Hooters hotel.
Wait a minute.
So all the suits are in Miami,
and all the secretaries are here building houses?
Yeah. Well, no. Desiree went down with them.
Oh, I'm sorry. All the secretaries
that aren't sleeping with Mr. Dugan are here.
I guess there's nothing we can do.
Well-well, wait a minute.
They're not here, so they don't know what we're doing.
Why don't we have ourselves a little fun?
Aren't we supposed to be here to help people?
And who's helping you, Dawn, huh?
Anybody building you a house?
You live in a freakin' studio apartment
that smells like a pet store.
Smells like a pet store?
A little bit, sweetie.
Anyway, I'm just saying we deserve to have a little fun!
Don't they expect us at the building site?
Yes, and we will be there
just long enough to grab a few bricks,
pose for pictures. You catch my drift?
Well, they're supposed to have a great spa here.
Yes, yes. Come on.
Let's make this a girls' weekend, huh?
We'll hit the clubs tonight.
Tomorrow, we'll charge some massages to the room.
What do you think?
Oh, wait, wait.
What happens when accounting sees it?
I'm sorry, Dawn. What department do you work in?
Accounting.
What are you gonna do when you see the bills?
Shred 'em.
That's a girl!
I'm gonna go take a nap.
Let's meet back here at 7:00,
and we will slap this town silly.
Why, hello.
Hey!
Surprised?
Yuh-huh.
It's ape time.
All right. The outside perimeter looks pretty good,
but, uh, keep those channels clear.
I smell trouble.
What's up?
You going or not?
Yes, yes.
Ok.
Man, I got to tell you,
I haven't had a rush like this,
since they paid me to be in that police lineup.
That lesbian almost got away with murder.
Hey, v.I.P. Is for v.I.Me.
And you. Come on.
Hey, you two.
Hang on a sec.
Go for Keith.
They did what in the bathroom?
Well, that's something new.
Ok, I'll be right there.
Guys, I need you to bounce a couple of drunks
who just snuck in.
Oh, and, fellas, remember,
you're not authorized to use excessive force, you got it?
Go for Keith.
Ok, let's go look for the free beer.
Wait. We have to go deal with the drunks who snuck in.
We snuck in.
And I want to be one of the drunks, so let's go.
We have to pretend like we work here,
or we'll get thrown out. I want to see huey Lewis!
Whatever, all right? I want to meet some groupies.
Oh-ho. A mother-daughter combo.
You promised to speak to Dr. Zaius about me.
Bet you didn't think
you were gonna have any fun this weekend, huh?
No, siree.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Lisa.
Want to pause the movie?
You know what? I'm good, thanks.
Where am I? I'm in hell.
Doug showed up.
The first time in 13 years,
he does something romantic.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't leave without the ringleader, honey.
I came up with this plan. I can take it down.
Yeah, you just wait for me. I'll think of something.
Ok.
Everything ok?
Actually, no.
Bad news. Uh...
I have another training seminar tonight.
Tonight?
It's almost 8:00
I know. Apparently, they want these houses
built "right."
We cannot get any momentum going
with these movies.
Charlton heston hasn't even taken off his shirt yet.
Just my luck.
Well, when you come back,
this'll all be waiting for you.
Kk-kk.
Actually, uh, honey, you know what?
Uh, I'm gonna be gone most of the night tonight,
and then I'm on the job site all day tomorrow.
This is just not fair to you.
What are you saying, you want me to leave?
Wa-want you to leave?
No. No, but I sure as Sam
don't want you sitting in this room all by yourself
while I work all day and night.
I don't know.
Like, the whole drive up here
was just... For nothing.
All for no-
no, baby, no. Come on.
Just seeing you for a few minutes
was amazing.
Just a little dose of Doug was all I need.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
You sure you don't want a double dose of Doug?
Rain check, rain check.
Come on, giddy up, giddy up before you hit the traffic.
Uh, I, uh...
I don't even know if I-where am I gonna-
no, baby. You'll do great.
Here's your luggage.
I love you.
I don't have my shoes.
You wait there. I'll get 'em.
Ok, baby. This has been amazing,
and you're aces, ok?
Love ya. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Can I help you?
Ah, yes, my wife is staying here
and I'd, ah, like to surprise her with a massage tomorrow.
Certainly, sir.
And if you send a guy,
no better looking than this, okay?
And your wife's name?
Oh, it's Carrie Heffernan.
Hmm, looks like she's already booked for a massage.
Really?
Two, actually. She has an avocado citrus wrap
at 9:30 and hot stone therapy at 3.
You know, you probably got her mixed up with somebody else
because I know she's working tomorrow, so.
No, I booked the treatments myself.
And I remember because she said if one of the hot stones
burned her, she would, "take me down."
I know. All right, now listen, you guys,
when we hit the club, nobody pays for her
own drinks or dances with anyone over 25.
Okay.
Pop a few buttons on this blouse.
This ain't church, honey.
Carrie, you're fun when you're bad.
Just gettin' started, honey.
Huh, huh, all right hurry back.
Hey, man. What happened to your eye?
I had to give the drummer's monkey his antibiotics.
Hey, great job with Mr. jingles.
Anyway, now we've got a situation with the bass player.
He won't come out of his dressing room until we get him
7 boysenberry-scented candles.
Here, put it on huey's credit card.
He likes to get the Miles.
What are you doing with that?
Oh, uh, well, the keyboard player said he
wouldn't come out of his room until he had some shrimp.
He likes it half-eaten.
Go for Keith.
Well, jam something in it until I get there.
Okay, your turn to work. Go get the candles.
Come on, man. The daughter passed out.
I'm about to make some real headway with the mother.
That's not fair.
How about this?
Tomorrow night we'll come back for the second show.
I'll take care of the monkees
and the drunks,
and you can just have a great time.
All right.
What was in those shots those firemen bought us?
I don't know. I'll ask them.
Should I not have given them my room key?
It's too late now.
Yeah.
Okay, so we'll meet at the spa at 11.
Hey, better idea. Bloody Marys at 10?
Well, hello, Randall.
You got 5 floors to give us a lap dance.
Surprise! Oh, my God.
Hey, baby. What are you doing back here?
I got halfway down the turnpike
and I realized, I can't leave my baby by herself.
But I said you can go.
Hey, I've been married a while
and I know that go means stay.
And this time it really just meant go.
Well, whatever, I'm stickin' to you like glue.
Okay, but baby, I told you I'm going to be
on the job site tomorrow, remember?
Yeah, me too, I signed up.
What?
Yeah, we're gonna build that house together
and bonus with me, you get a little plumber's butt.
Hey sleepy head.
That hot tar isn't going to mix itself now.
Okay, I'll be right there.
All righty.
You better watch your back, perky.
Hey, do you have any aspirin?
Three dollars.
You do know this is for charity, right?
I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart.
Three dollars.
Fine, here's your three dollars.
There's my lady.
By the way, I asked around, that spackle in your hair
is gonna come out with a little bit of turpentine.
Thank you, honey.
Okay. And by the way, we're putting up the dry-wall now
so I'm gonna need you to hold it steady while I...
Lock her down.
Hey, while I got this out
why don't I check out your choppers, huh?
Doug, stop.
Somebody has not been flossing.
Please, I have a headache.
Oh, you have a headache. I didn't know.
Know what'll make you probably feel better?
Your hot stone massage at 3:00.
What? I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, please. I know all about it.
The booze and the dancing.
The smoking in a nonsmoking room, yeah.
Damn it.
Yeah, I can't believe you.
All right, look, Doug, I've been working hard
okay, I just wanted a weekend to let loose.
So you lie to your husband?
Just to go wild in Hartford?
Okay, look, I lied to you, okay, I am sorry.
But that was once, you lie to me all the time.
That's right, difference is, I'm good at it.
Your lies are like tissue paper.
Mine are like that house, built on a solid foundation.
Although that staircase I don't think is my best work.
Hey Carrie, we're waiting for that hot tar.
Okay, coming.
Yeah, I don't, uh, just work security.
My main gig is hiring the girls to be in the videos.
Oh, hey, buddy, where've you been?
Where have I been? I've been elbow deep
in huey Lewis' toilet.
Whoa, you are a fan.
Hey listen, I'm not missing tonight's show.
You're on the clock.
Hey guys, super job on the toilet.
Huey actually used the word immaculate.
Well, thanks, Keith, but that's not why I do it.
But it's nice to hear.
Wait, no, no, listen, I cleaned the toilet
and I re-vamped the check-in procedure.
He didn't do anything, he doesn't even work here.
What?
Yeah, he's a phony.
He got that jacket from his cousin.
Barry, this guy's gone, and remember, no excessive force.
Hey, we're still on for Saturday though, right?
Excuse me.
Oh my God, huey Lewis. What are you doing here?
It's my concert.
Oh, I gotta tell you, I'm your biggest fan.
I have all of your albums.
I could probably sing every one of your songs.
Yeah, well please don't.
Now listen, I saw what you did over there.
I know, can you believe that guy?
You ratted out your friend, and where I come from...
The bay area.
Yeah, back there, that makes you a rat.
And we don't like rats.
So beat it, before the news and I kick your ass.
But, no wait...
Huey, listen, I'm your biggest fan.
I cleaned your toilets the way you like.
Huey Lewis is gonna kick my ass. Pretty-
all right, let's make your appearance with Mr. Dugan
and get the hell out of here.
All right, fine, but for the next twenty minutes
can you just pretend that you're happily married?
Okay, how's this?
All right, stop it, he's coming, just stop.
Hey guys, thank you so much for all the hard work.
The Larkin family appreciates it and so do I.
Well Doug and I should be thanking you for...
Hey guys, thank you so much for all the hard work.
The Larkin family appreciates it and so do I.
Can we go now?
In a minute, Doug.
If I could have your attention please?
I'd like to introduce the man responsible for all this.
Our wonderful boss, Mr. Andrew Dugan.
Thank you, Desiree.
Building this home was an amazing accomplishment
but, it's just the beginning.
That's where the giving tree comes in.
If you want to help some more, take a leaf.
Each leaf has a household item you can buy for the Larkins.
All that's left for the Larkins to supply, is the love.
A giving tree, huh?
Too bad they don't have a taking tree for you.
Instead of helping, you're going coyote ugly with your friends.
Please, like you're so nice?
The only reason why you did this was to spite me.
At least my spite builds. Your spite only destroys.
Oh, come on, I'm 10 times more generous than you are.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I am serious.
Oh please, come on.
Please, you brother. Yeah, right.
Okay, how about this, I'm gonna buy the Larkins
something so choke on that.
I'll get them two wishes right there.
I'll take the whole Friggin' branch, Doug.
You don't scare me, man.
Oh, my, I get to buy them a washer-dryer.
Washer-dryer, I thought it was little stuff
like an ice cream scooper.
What did we get ourselves into here?
Come here, come here.
What does yours say?
It says a... A toaster.
Oh, that's not so bad.
And a riding mower.
What?
With satellite radio, this is crazy.
Oh my God, I have to get a laptop and a sleeper sofa.
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna put them back, that's what we're gonna do.
We can't put them back, people will see you.
Create a distraction.
How?
Take your top down.
Would you stop.
All right, go now.
Everybody's talking to the guy who fell
off the roof, go, go now.
Hey, nice to see you guys again.
Great job on that gazebo by the way, that was wonderful work.
All right, there you go.
What happened here?
My honey was trying to reach for a good one and he fell.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm all right.
Pick another one, I'm sure there's some great ones left.
Come on toaster.
Great. Let's see what you've got there. Here.
Oh, I gotta tell you, the Larkins are gonna be
very happy drinking coffee
in front of their brand-new flat screen TV.
Hey man, listen, I'm sorry.
I got a little carried away before.
Oh, that's okay.
You should have told me right away you were from Ottawa.
I love Canadians.
I know, I read it on your blog.
Well, anyway, welcome to the team.
And we'll talk again
right after you mop the stage.
Sweet! I better get back to work.
Okay.
Hey, uh, I've got your food, can I come in?
Get your stinkin' paws off me you damn dirty ape!