1
00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:05,636
Hello?

2
00:00:05,704 --> 00:00:07,705
Oh, hi, Mr. Dugan.

3
00:00:07,773 --> 00:00:09,274
Yeah, I have it on my computer.

4
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:10,342
I'll go pull it up.

5
00:00:10,376 --> 00:00:11,309
Hold on one second.

6
00:00:11,377 --> 00:00:13,245
Uh, honey? This is my boss.

7
00:00:13,312 --> 00:00:14,096
Can you finish folding

8
00:00:14,164 --> 00:00:15,546
the laundry for me? Thanks.

9
00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:31,239
Oh, my God.

10
00:01:33,892 --> 00:01:36,327
Ok, sure. No problem, Mr. Dugan.

11
00:01:36,395 --> 00:01:38,696
Ok, all right.

12
00:01:38,764 --> 00:01:39,998
I'll see you Monday.

13
00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:42,267
Ok, bye-bye.

14
00:01:42,334 --> 00:01:43,268
You done already?

15
00:01:43,335 --> 00:01:44,770
Yeah, it's what I do.

16
00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:23,843
Memo to all Dugan
group employees:

17
00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:25,477
As of the first of November,

18
00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:27,847
all leases must be filed
under the tenants-

19
00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:28,947
darling, I got big news.

20
00:02:29,015 --> 00:02:31,400
Dad, you can't talk
while I'm working.

21
00:02:31,468 --> 00:02:33,536
And yet another one of
my basic human rights

22
00:02:33,604 --> 00:02:34,937
bites the dust.

23
00:02:36,340 --> 00:02:38,241
You just can't talk
while I'm doing this.

24
00:02:38,308 --> 00:02:40,326
Ok, it's this new
software I got.

25
00:02:40,393 --> 00:02:42,078
It types everything that you say.
Here.

26
00:02:42,145 --> 00:02:43,762
Say something.

27
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:47,733
Testing. 1, 2, 3.

28
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,535
It wrote it.

29
00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:52,305
It wrote, "it wrote it."

30
00:02:52,372 --> 00:02:53,539
Yes, it did.

31
00:02:53,606 --> 00:02:54,606
It wrote, "yes, it did."

32
00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:55,574
Ok, easy now.

33
00:02:55,642 --> 00:02:56,675
One more.

34
00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:57,593
Bosoms.

35
00:02:57,660 --> 00:02:59,111
Ok. End program. Off.

36
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:02,581
All right, dad. It says
up here on my work memo

37
00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:05,100
that you have some big news.

38
00:03:05,168 --> 00:03:06,562
Yes, we're putting
on a theater night

39
00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:07,586
at the senior center,

40
00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,121
and I was able to
pull some strings

41
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:12,357
and get you and Douglas
some seats right up front.

42
00:03:16,012 --> 00:03:17,680
You know, you never went

43
00:03:17,748 --> 00:03:20,449
to any of my plays
when I was a kid.

44
00:03:20,517 --> 00:03:21,777
Well, darling, I
was a little busy

45
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:22,801
supporting you.

46
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:26,388
And now I'm a little
busy supporting you.

47
00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:27,690
So, what's the difference?

48
00:03:27,758 --> 00:03:29,275
The difference is I have talent,

49
00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:32,444
and shame on you for
making me say it.

50
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,314
Program on.

51
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,816
All employees-

52
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,534
hey, Tony threw in 6
free garlic knots.

53
00:03:39,336 --> 00:03:42,704
I ate 5 in the car.

54
00:03:42,772 --> 00:03:44,273
I am starving.

55
00:03:44,341 --> 00:03:45,841
Wanna get the plates?

56
00:03:45,908 --> 00:03:48,126
Plates? No, you eat
right out of the tin.

57
00:03:48,194 --> 00:03:49,127
It's better.

58
00:03:49,195 --> 00:03:50,373
You know, and then
in the home stretch,

59
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,565
you fold it into a funnel,
and you drink the sauce.

60
00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:54,967
It's good.

61
00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:01,306
Is this all the bags?

62
00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:02,875
Yeah, what's the matter?

63
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:05,177
Um, my dinner's not in here.

64
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,512
What?

65
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,848
Yeah. Look, no eggplant parm.
No salad.

66
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,816
You're kidding me.

67
00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:13,185
That blows.

68
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,070
Yeah, I have no dinner,

69
00:04:15,138 --> 00:04:17,489
and that does blow, so...

70
00:04:19,125 --> 00:04:21,059
You want the last garlic knot?

71
00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:24,046
No. I want you to get my food.

72
00:04:24,113 --> 00:04:25,881
Fine.

73
00:04:25,948 --> 00:04:26,682
Oh, I'm sorry, Doug.

74
00:04:26,749 --> 00:04:28,567
Forgive me for having to eat.

75
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:30,502
I just said I would go.

76
00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:33,205
No, I know, but this
is so typical of you.

77
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,407
What?

78
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:36,395
You don't give a crap about
anybody but yourself.

79
00:04:36,459 --> 00:04:37,977
Oh, please. What
about last week?

80
00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:39,078
You forgot my cheesecake

81
00:04:39,145 --> 00:04:40,780
from the cheesecake factory.

82
00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,525
Ok? So why don't you
take a little bus ride

83
00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:45,234
back to shuttytown?

84
00:04:45,302 --> 00:04:48,904
I would, but you
probably ate my ticket.

85
00:04:48,972 --> 00:04:51,673
Ah, that's-that's funny,

86
00:04:51,741 --> 00:04:52,674
'cause I eat everything.

87
00:04:52,742 --> 00:04:53,675
Well, you know what, right now,

88
00:04:53,743 --> 00:04:54,743
I'm eating my dinner.

89
00:04:54,811 --> 00:04:58,614
Yeah, mmm, and it's so good.

90
00:04:58,682 --> 00:05:01,083
Mmm. Very good.

91
00:05:01,150 --> 00:05:02,518
Oh, yeah? I love it.

92
00:05:02,586 --> 00:05:03,819
How's it now, chunky?

93
00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:05,971
Hey, hey!

94
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,408
Piney-fresh, mmm.

95
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:20,553
You can't stop me.

96
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,778
Hey, I want to talk to
you about last night.

97
00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:30,413
Please, not the fruit loops.

98
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,980
No.

99
00:05:32,048 --> 00:05:34,366
I'm not mad anymore.

100
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:36,368
Look at this.

101
00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:38,103
Oh, what is this?

102
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,206
Well, my computer was on,

103
00:05:40,274 --> 00:05:41,440
and that new program

104
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,543
transcribed our entire fight,

105
00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:45,344
all 2 hours of it.

106
00:05:45,412 --> 00:05:46,812
Really? Yeah.

107
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,265
When did I say, "bosoms"?

108
00:05:49,332 --> 00:05:50,532
No, no, no.

109
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,052
The fight starts here,
and I gotta tell ya,

110
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,854
there's some pretty
rough stuff here.

111
00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:56,421
Hmm. Where?

112
00:05:56,489 --> 00:05:59,575
Ah, ok, like-like here,

113
00:05:59,642 --> 00:06:02,878
where I said, "didn't you
notice the bag was too light?"

114
00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:06,848
And you said, "you
have no friends."

115
00:06:06,916 --> 00:06:09,284
Yeah, but then you said,

116
00:06:09,352 --> 00:06:10,792
"at least I'm not a
massive failure,"

117
00:06:10,821 --> 00:06:12,688
so you really answered the bell.

118
00:06:12,756 --> 00:06:13,756
Doug, come on,

119
00:06:13,824 --> 00:06:15,157
this isn't funny. I mean, look.

120
00:06:15,224 --> 00:06:19,177
Here's where we threaten to
run each over with our cars.

121
00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:20,856
And now we're having
fruit loops together.

122
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,291
It's a storybook ending.
Come here, baby.

123
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,716
No, Doug! Come on!

124
00:06:23,783 --> 00:06:25,784
Come on. You're making a
big deal out of nothing.

125
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:26,985
It was one bad fight.

126
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,320
No, actually, it's-

127
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:31,073
it's like this all the time now.

128
00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:33,492
I tell you what, leave the computer on.
Let it record us.

129
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,128
- You'll see that this fight.
- It was a fluke.

130
00:06:36,195 --> 00:06:38,096
No, Doug, if the computer's on,

131
00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:40,633
then we'll be on
our best behavior.

132
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,668
Carrie is an ass!

133
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,430
Oh, yeah? Well, you can
say whatever you want,

134
00:06:44,454 --> 00:06:45,697
because you are still
an inconsiderate-

135
00:06:45,721 --> 00:06:46,822
yeah, but you're an ass!

136
00:06:46,889 --> 00:06:47,934
Selfish... you're an ass!
Ass, ass, ass!

137
00:06:47,958 --> 00:06:49,425
Carrie's an ass! Stupid, stupid!

138
00:06:52,963 --> 00:06:56,065
Ok, all that's
missing is gunfire.

139
00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,268
I gotta tell ya, I'm
a little worried

140
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:00,535
about where we're headed,

141
00:07:00,603 --> 00:07:01,814
and if we don't do something
about this, I mean,

142
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:04,506
maybe we can use some
professional help.

143
00:07:04,574 --> 00:07:07,209
You mean-you mean like therapy?

144
00:07:07,277 --> 00:07:09,912
Yeah. We are talking about
saving our marriage here.

145
00:07:09,979 --> 00:07:11,447
I know, it's just-

146
00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:16,702
I don't want to throw
money down a rat hole.

147
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,872
Hey, you know our
new neighbor Glenn

148
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,220
who just moved
across the street?

149
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,008
He's a marriage counselor.

150
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,644
I'm going to take marriage advice
from a guy who jogs in jeans.

151
00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:27,029
No, that's not Glenn.

152
00:07:27,097 --> 00:07:28,708
I don't get it, man. I walk up
a flight of stairs in jeans,

153
00:07:28,732 --> 00:07:29,665
my legs are all raw.

154
00:07:29,733 --> 00:07:32,467
Ok, let's focus,
let's focus, ok?

155
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,286
What do we do? Do we
ask this guy for help?

156
00:07:34,353 --> 00:07:36,722
I mean, then we
gotta pay him then.

157
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,024
No, no. We'll just invite him
over for, like, you know,

158
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,669
"welcome to the
neighborhood" type thing,

159
00:07:40,693 --> 00:07:43,428
and then we just pick
his brain a little bit.

160
00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:47,633
Ok. Yeah?

161
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:48,634
Thank you, honey.

162
00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:50,302
Right.

163
00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:51,303
What do you want
to do for dinner?

164
00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:53,238
Um, you wanna get take-out?

165
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,340
Hmm. That's a powder keg.

166
00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:01,630
We'll be doing a scene
from the gin game,

167
00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:03,816
and whoever wins
the part of fonsia

168
00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:06,819
should be prepared for the most
physically and emotionally grueling

169
00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:08,587
8 days of your life.

170
00:08:11,374 --> 00:08:15,644
Now, Minna, how married are
you to the oxygen tank?

171
00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:19,381
Well, I really need
it to breathe.

172
00:08:20,484 --> 00:08:24,520
Looks like we have
ourselves a diva.

173
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:28,707
Arthur, we've been standing
for an awfully long time.

174
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:32,577
Is it possible that we could
take a seat for a moment?

175
00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:35,981
Oh, you know where
they have seats?

176
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,783
At the unemployment office.

177
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:38,984
Hit the bricks!

178
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:43,839
Arthur, you know,
I played fonsia

179
00:08:43,906 --> 00:08:46,675
at the fresh meadows
community playhouse.

180
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,794
Oh, fresh meadows.

181
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,463
I don't have time to break
you of your bad habits!

182
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,048
Get out!

183
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:58,837
Now, you do understand,
there may be some tasteful,

184
00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:01,106
but full-frontal nudity.

185
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:10,231
That's my fonsia.

186
00:09:17,039 --> 00:09:19,141
So, when we saw your
garbage cans knocked over,

187
00:09:19,209 --> 00:09:21,193
we just knew we had
to do something.

188
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:22,538
Yeah, so I just
rushed over there

189
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:23,311
and started cleaning
up the trash,

190
00:09:23,379 --> 00:09:24,740
and what pops out
of one of the cans?

191
00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:26,098
A raccoon.

192
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:27,966
And this one, terrified
of raccoons.

193
00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:29,311
You know, it's the people hands,

194
00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:33,355
they freak me out.
They really do.

195
00:09:33,422 --> 00:09:34,874
Well, I'm new on the block,

196
00:09:34,941 --> 00:09:37,209
and I really appreciate
you looking out for me.

197
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,520
Oh, that's what
neighbors are for,

198
00:09:38,544 --> 00:09:40,662
to help each other out.
For free.

199
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:44,049
Besides, we were up
anyway having one

200
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:45,550
of our vicious marital fights.

201
00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:48,320
Oh, yeah. We've been known to
lace up the Heinie-kicking boots.

202
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:53,826
Oh, you know, I happen to be a
marriage and family therapist.

203
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:54,509
Shut up.

204
00:09:54,577 --> 00:09:56,078
No, really. It's true.

205
00:09:56,146 --> 00:09:57,729
Look, I don't know what you are,

206
00:09:57,797 --> 00:10:00,849
but you certainly do fill out
a pair of jogging jeans.

207
00:10:00,916 --> 00:10:01,951
It's not him.

208
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,152
Listen,

209
00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:05,387
if you ever need a
little informal advice,

210
00:10:05,454 --> 00:10:06,889
I'd be happy to help you out-

211
00:10:06,956 --> 00:10:07,689
that'd be great.
Just read over this.

212
00:10:07,757 --> 00:10:09,241
Yeah, when you're
done with that,

213
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,509
there's more over there. We're
gonna put some coffee on.

214
00:10:21,887 --> 00:10:23,888
Pretty bad, huh?

215
00:10:27,677 --> 00:10:29,411
But you've seen worse, right?

216
00:10:29,478 --> 00:10:32,214
Not much worse, no.

217
00:10:32,281 --> 00:10:33,682
Look, look, look. The thing is,

218
00:10:33,750 --> 00:10:35,127
we don't want to be
like this anymore.

219
00:10:35,151 --> 00:10:36,384
Can you help us?

220
00:10:36,452 --> 00:10:37,702
What you have to understand is

221
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:40,205
fighting is a part
of any relationship,

222
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:42,241
but you must do it
in a healthy way.

223
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,676
Now, I'm gonna give
you some strategies

224
00:10:44,744 --> 00:10:46,611
so you can contain the conflict,

225
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,147
erect some firewalls-

226
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:49,915
erect.

227
00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:53,051
You're right. He's a -

228
00:10:53,119 --> 00:10:54,052
ok, shut up, idiot.

229
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,053
You shut up.

230
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:55,970
This is good.

231
00:10:56,038 --> 00:10:57,656
Let's-let's work with this.

232
00:10:57,723 --> 00:10:59,391
Doug, how did it make you feel

233
00:10:59,458 --> 00:11:01,626
when Carrie just
called you an idiot?

234
00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:03,278
Mad.

235
00:11:05,615 --> 00:11:07,482
And sad.

236
00:11:07,550 --> 00:11:10,552
We call words like
that "escalators,"

237
00:11:10,620 --> 00:11:13,421
because they take the
conflict to another level.

238
00:11:13,489 --> 00:11:15,240
Oh, like going on an escalator.

239
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:17,042
Very good, Doug. Very good.

240
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,644
Yeah.

241
00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:22,081
Left unchecked, these words can
turn a simple disagreement

242
00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:25,150
into a hurtful, even
a violent encounter,

243
00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:28,120
like you two had
about the ketchup

244
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:31,623
last Wednesday and this morning.

245
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:35,777
She knows I don't like
the upside-down top.

246
00:11:35,845 --> 00:11:37,595
Ok.

247
00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:39,207
Upside-down jelly you
have no problem with,

248
00:11:39,231 --> 00:11:41,900
but ketchup, you go ballistic.

249
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:43,478
Ok, 'cause the water
collects at the top,

250
00:11:43,502 --> 00:11:44,579
and the fact that
you don't know that

251
00:11:44,603 --> 00:11:48,740
just shows how stupid you are.

252
00:11:55,765 --> 00:11:58,783
I had a little money, but
with the hospital bills

253
00:11:58,851 --> 00:12:00,952
and trying to look after myself,

254
00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:03,955
plus I still had that
little house on ash street-

255
00:12:04,023 --> 00:12:05,990
stop! Stop! Stop!
This isn't working.

256
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:09,328
Oh... what's wrong?

257
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,497
Your performance.
It's all surface.

258
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,031
I don't believe a word of it.

259
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,101
Yeah, well, I'm trying.

260
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:19,104
I- I-i just don't know
what you want from me.

261
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:20,839
I want truth!

262
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:24,243
Fonsia's in pain, and
you've got to show that.

263
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:25,143
But how?

264
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:27,579
We need a sense memory.

265
00:12:27,646 --> 00:12:28,814
Ok.

266
00:12:28,881 --> 00:12:31,950
Tell me your most painful
childhood experience.

267
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:33,752
I'd rather not.

268
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:35,260
If you're not willing
to do the work,

269
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:38,957
I'll play both parts in a
gender-bending tour de force!

270
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:47,900
All right, all right. Um...

271
00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:50,302
It was my fifth birthday,

272
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:54,839
and my mother said she was
having a party for me.

273
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:59,577
So I brought all my
friends home from school,

274
00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:02,480
but when we walked in the door,

275
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:04,283
there was mother,

276
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:09,721
stinking drunk and
passed out on the couch.

277
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,490
There was no party, no cake,

278
00:13:12,558 --> 00:13:15,961
oh, I wanted to die!

279
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:22,467
And I never, never celebrated
my birthday again.

280
00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:29,607
What else you got?

281
00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,634
Hey. Hey.

282
00:13:39,702 --> 00:13:41,052
Did you make your list?

283
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,287
What list?

284
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:43,355
Of escalator words.

285
00:13:43,405 --> 00:13:45,056
Gotcha! Got it right here.

286
00:13:45,124 --> 00:13:46,592
All right, let me get mine.

287
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,026
Ok. All right.

288
00:13:48,094 --> 00:13:49,260
Let's save us a marriage.

289
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:50,629
Yeah.

290
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:53,499
Hey, where's Glenn to see that?

291
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:54,766
Ok, you mind if I start?

292
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:55,767
Fire away.

293
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,168
All right.

294
00:13:57,236 --> 00:13:58,814
Now, I know it's the
heat-of-the-moment thing

295
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,138
and you really don't mean it,

296
00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:02,841
but I'm going to have to get
the ball rolling with...

297
00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:04,509
Slut.

298
00:14:04,576 --> 00:14:06,478
What? I've never
called you slut.

299
00:14:06,545 --> 00:14:08,113
Oh, no? Ok. Here you go.

300
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,415
I highlighted them for you.

301
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:14,919
Here, here, here,
here, and here.

302
00:14:14,987 --> 00:14:16,448
Actually, that one's
supposed to be skank,

303
00:14:16,472 --> 00:14:17,356
but you know what?
They're both gone.

304
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:19,274
Ok, good. All right.

305
00:14:19,341 --> 00:14:20,142
All right.

306
00:14:20,209 --> 00:14:21,259
What do you got?

307
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,128
Ok, here's my first word.

308
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,595
Fat.

309
00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:27,282
Fat.

310
00:14:27,350 --> 00:14:28,867
In all its forms.
Fatty, fat guy,

311
00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:30,435
fat sajak.

312
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,772
Wow.

313
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:35,958
What's the matter?

314
00:14:36,025 --> 00:14:37,185
Nothing. It's just
that you're really

315
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:41,079
chopping me off at
the knees here.

316
00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:42,257
You know, keep fat, that's fine,

317
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:43,425
'cause I can slip a slut
right back in a holster.

318
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:46,752
All right, all right, fine, fine.
It's gone.

319
00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:47,953
Ok, what else you got?

320
00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:50,973
All right. Dumb-ass,
dumb-as-ass, grandma.

321
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:55,227
Package donkey, elasto
pants, beaver teeth.

322
00:14:55,294 --> 00:14:59,064
She-beast, Dracula,
Hitler junior.

323
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,733
Blob, the blob, blob barker,

324
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:05,437
blobba the hut, and
rub-a-dub-chub.

325
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:08,056
Why don't we just
exchange lists?

326
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:10,241
Oh, ok. Ok?

327
00:15:10,309 --> 00:15:11,242
I feel really good about this.

328
00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:12,644
Me, too. Yeah.

329
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:15,914
Oh, wow, I gotta get going.

330
00:15:15,982 --> 00:15:17,382
What? Where're you going?

331
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:18,560
I told the guys I'd
watch the met game

332
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:19,684
with them down at Cooper's.

333
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:20,969
I already started dinner.

334
00:15:21,037 --> 00:15:22,531
I left you a message
on your cell phone.

335
00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,556
And you know I never check
my cell phone messages.

336
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:25,740
Well, whose fault is that?

337
00:15:25,808 --> 00:15:28,076
Doug, again. Already
started dinner.

338
00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:30,395
Whoa, are we about to
have a fight here?

339
00:15:31,447 --> 00:15:32,830
Yes, I think so.

340
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,326
Ok, now what did
Glenn say if we're-

341
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,017
if we're gonna have
a disagreement,

342
00:15:36,085 --> 00:15:38,453
we're supposed to write
it down on an index card

343
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:39,921
and then pin it to the board.

344
00:15:39,989 --> 00:15:41,806
That's right, and
then in 24 hours,

345
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:44,209
if it's still a problem,
we revisit the issue

346
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,777
from a less emotionally
charged place.

347
00:15:45,844 --> 00:15:46,988
There you go. I got the cards.

348
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:48,030
I'm gonna get the pin.

349
00:15:48,097 --> 00:15:49,531
Ok.

350
00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:54,453
Blowing... Off... dinner.

351
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:55,787
There we go.

352
00:15:55,854 --> 00:15:57,739
Gimme the pin.

353
00:15:57,806 --> 00:16:00,175
Perfect. Ok.

354
00:16:00,243 --> 00:16:02,110
There we go.

355
00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:03,879
All right. Good for us, huh?

356
00:16:03,946 --> 00:16:05,480
Yeah. All right.

357
00:16:05,547 --> 00:16:07,165
I'll see ya.

358
00:16:13,322 --> 00:16:14,723
No, Betty, it's not you.

359
00:16:14,790 --> 00:16:19,344
We need a new play. The gin
game is just not clicking.

360
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:23,715
I was thinking we try
the elephant man.

361
00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:27,319
How do you feel about working
with a sack over your head?

362
00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:31,189
See, I don't know what
she's so upset about.

363
00:16:31,257 --> 00:16:32,290
As far as I'm concerned,

364
00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:33,468
your system's working great.

365
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:34,993
Yeah, it's working great for you

366
00:16:35,061 --> 00:16:36,594
because you're doing
all the bad stuff,

367
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:37,662
you idiot.

368
00:16:37,696 --> 00:16:40,599
Carrie.

369
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,384
Well, I'm sorry, but
it's only been a week

370
00:16:42,452 --> 00:16:43,568
and look at all of these!

371
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,370
Uh, broke Carrie's iPod,

372
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:46,582
drunk at Carrie's office party,

373
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,039
left Arthur in bathtub.

374
00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:51,543
This one just says "fire." I
don't even know what that means!

375
00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:53,105
Hey, if she's still
mad about something,

376
00:16:53,129 --> 00:16:55,463
it's her job to bring it
up the next day, not mine.

377
00:16:55,531 --> 00:16:58,283
Yes, but by then, he's
done 5 more stupid things.

378
00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,918
I can't keep up.

379
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:02,203
Oh, you've done plenty
of stuff yourself.

380
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:03,365
Let's see what you've got here.

381
00:17:03,389 --> 00:17:04,323
Uh, oh, here we go.

382
00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:06,024
Here's one right here, huh?

383
00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:08,042
"Bought wrong frosting."

384
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:08,993
Guilty!

385
00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:10,355
Yeah. I got a grown
woman on my hands

386
00:17:10,379 --> 00:17:11,623
who doesn't know the
difference between chocolate

387
00:17:11,647 --> 00:17:14,799
and chocolate fudge!

388
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,818
Well, if you hated it so much,

389
00:17:16,885 --> 00:17:18,320
why don't you explain to Glenn

390
00:17:18,387 --> 00:17:20,588
how you cut your
tongue on the can?!

391
00:17:20,656 --> 00:17:21,757
Guys, guys!

392
00:17:21,824 --> 00:17:22,607
She's not following the rules.

393
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:24,326
Oh, stop sucking up to him,

394
00:17:24,394 --> 00:17:25,994
you fudge-eating moron.

395
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:29,664
Escalator words. Those
are escalator words.

396
00:17:29,732 --> 00:17:30,498
Is that an escalator word?

397
00:17:30,566 --> 00:17:33,285
Oh, really, oh, I'm
sorry, fat sajak.

398
00:17:33,352 --> 00:17:35,787
You fat, beaver-toothed,
package donkey!

399
00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:39,357
Oh, yeah, well, I got
2 words for you:

400
00:17:39,425 --> 00:17:42,027
Bo and tox!

401
00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:43,995
2.

402
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,104
Hello.

403
00:17:52,171 --> 00:17:53,939
Hi.

404
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:56,741
Could you give this transcript
back to Doug and Carrie?

405
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:59,677
I don't want it in
my house anymore.

406
00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:10,521
Oh, who's there?

407
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,522
Othello.

408
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,541
Aye, Desdemona.

409
00:18:13,609 --> 00:18:17,211
Oh, will you come
to my bed, my lord?

410
00:18:17,279 --> 00:18:19,881
Have you prayed
tonight, Desdemona?

411
00:18:19,949 --> 00:18:21,116
Aye, my lord.

412
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:22,884
It is too late.

413
00:18:26,055 --> 00:18:28,373
Oh, great. We're late.
It's already started.

414
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,041
I told you to take
queens boulevard.

415
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,309
I'm a driver, remember?

416
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:33,878
Yes. I'm reminded every
time I see your paycheck.

417
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:44,823
A little help.

418
00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:48,060
She's all right.

419
00:18:56,001 --> 00:19:01,339
Ok, next up, we have Arthur
Spooner and Betty Horowitz

420
00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:04,542
doing a scene entitled
the lovers...

421
00:19:04,610 --> 00:19:07,379
Question Mark?

422
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,734
Tony threw in 6
free garlic knots.

423
00:19:12,802 --> 00:19:15,737
I ate 5 in the car.

424
00:19:15,805 --> 00:19:17,188
Is that all the bags?

425
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:19,240
Yeah. What's the matter?

426
00:19:19,308 --> 00:19:20,709
Well, my dinner's not here.

427
00:19:20,776 --> 00:19:21,776
What?!

428
00:19:21,811 --> 00:19:24,312
See? No eggplant parm, no salad.

429
00:19:24,379 --> 00:19:26,414
Are you kidding me? That blows!

430
00:19:26,481 --> 00:19:28,382
Yeah.

431
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:32,187
Did we see this play?

432
00:19:34,490 --> 00:19:36,258
No, stupid, it's not a play.
It's us.

433
00:19:36,325 --> 00:19:37,658
He must have the transcripts.

434
00:19:37,726 --> 00:19:39,877
You know, it'd be nice

435
00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:44,882
if you gave a crap about someone
besides yourself just once!

436
00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:47,118
Oh, please! How about last week?

437
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:50,822
You forgot my cheesecake
from the cheesecake factory!

438
00:19:50,889 --> 00:19:54,426
How about you take a little
bus ride back to shuttytown?

439
00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:00,265
Ok, he's going right from
here to the nursing home.

440
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:04,436
Done, and we're not even gonna take
him to Dairy Queen like we promised.

441
00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:07,705
Hey, don't punish me.

442
00:20:08,557 --> 00:20:11,275
Well, how does it
taste now, chunky?

443
00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:15,279
Piney-fresh, just like
Christmas dinner!

444
00:20:18,868 --> 00:20:21,136
I can't believe you
sprayed my food.

445
00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:23,304
I can't believe you ate it.

446
00:20:23,372 --> 00:20:25,590
You liked it? Well, try this.

447
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,025
Hey! Hey!

448
00:20:27,092 --> 00:20:32,013
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Oh, yeah! There!

449
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:37,135
Look, I'm sorry about
everything, all right?

450
00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:38,469
Me, too.

451
00:20:38,537 --> 00:20:40,205
Oh, yeah?

452
00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:43,425
I wish I had a shovel right now
so I could dig your grave!

453
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:47,895
Hey, why don't you use the
one you eat ice cream with?

454
00:20:48,730 --> 00:20:51,032
Oh, that's clever.

455
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:52,817
Here's a thought...

456
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:54,252
Puhhht!

457
00:20:58,247 --> 00:21:01,850
We have nothing to
fear but fear itself.

458
00:21:05,268 --> 00:21:09,371
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.

459
00:21:13,201 --> 00:21:14,501
Bosoms.