1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,451 Hey, perfect timing. I'm just about to plug her in. 2 00:00:08,475 --> 00:00:10,219 Oh, okay, good. Fire her up. 3 00:00:10,243 --> 00:00:13,178 And let there be light. 4 00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:19,435 Wow, that's... festive. 5 00:00:23,473 --> 00:00:24,867 All right. 6 00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:27,526 Seventy-nine more to go. 7 00:00:28,812 --> 00:00:31,356 I see my timing is perfect. 8 00:00:31,380 --> 00:00:33,192 I spent the day at the senior center, 9 00:00:33,216 --> 00:00:36,819 crafting a one-of-a-kind ornament for our tree. 10 00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:40,850 Okay. 11 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,685 What is this? 12 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,888 It started out as a coffee mug. It became a reindeer. 13 00:00:45,912 --> 00:00:47,857 Hang it up, please. 14 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:49,257 No. It doesn't look like a reindeer. 15 00:00:49,281 --> 00:00:52,028 It looks like something a reindeer left behind. 16 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,864 Don't push me during the holidays. 17 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,816 Doug, just do what he says. 18 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,768 Carrie, this thing's a brick. It'll drag the whole tree down. 19 00:00:59,792 --> 00:01:03,706 Hang it up or I'll bust this angel wide open. 20 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,257 Hey, put that down. It's fragile. 21 00:01:05,281 --> 00:01:06,375 So help me, I'll do it. 22 00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:07,476 You do Vixen here 23 00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:09,045 is coming right at your head! 24 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,229 You what? Yeah? Try me! 25 00:01:10,253 --> 00:01:13,856 All right, the both of you, stop it! Stop it! 26 00:01:15,025 --> 00:01:17,726 Where is your Christmas spirit? 27 00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,409 Now, Dad, I will find 28 00:01:24,433 --> 00:01:27,880 a prime place for this on the tree, okay? 29 00:01:27,904 --> 00:01:29,682 Now, hand over the angel, 30 00:01:29,706 --> 00:01:31,339 nice and slow. 31 00:01:37,464 --> 00:01:39,681 This isn't over. 32 00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:17,562 So, what's the deal? 33 00:02:17,586 --> 00:02:19,398 Can we, uh, go home yet or what? 34 00:02:19,422 --> 00:02:21,867 No, honey, we have to finish our gift list. 35 00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:22,985 We don't need a list. 36 00:02:23,009 --> 00:02:24,787 I can get all our shopping done in an hour. 37 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,072 Honey, I saved very carefully this year 38 00:02:27,096 --> 00:02:29,158 so everyone would get a nice gift. 39 00:02:29,182 --> 00:02:31,026 Last year, you did all your Christmas shopping 40 00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:33,829 at a gas-station minimart. 41 00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:37,833 Everyone got The Best of Eddie Rabbitt. 42 00:02:37,857 --> 00:02:39,535 Not everyone. Oh, yeah, that's right. 43 00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:43,355 Your mother did get a bottle of herbal trucker's speed. 44 00:02:43,379 --> 00:02:46,314 Hey, she painted our garage in under an hour. 45 00:02:48,618 --> 00:02:50,896 Okay, look, I need you to finish paying for this stuff, 46 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,798 and then I need you to go next door to buy these 47 00:02:52,822 --> 00:02:54,150 at Leather World. 48 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,467 Leather World. Kinky. 49 00:02:55,491 --> 00:02:56,519 Yeah. 50 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:59,321 Winter gloves. Real kinky. 51 00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:01,073 Winter sex gloves. 52 00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:03,442 All right, I'll meet you back here in a half-hour, okay? 53 00:03:03,466 --> 00:03:04,800 All right. All right. 54 00:03:06,135 --> 00:03:07,312 Excuse me? 55 00:03:07,336 --> 00:03:08,647 Oh, yes? 56 00:03:08,671 --> 00:03:10,699 Sorry to bother you, but, uh... 57 00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:13,419 I can't decide which one of these sweaters to buy. 58 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:16,622 Oh, okay, well, first off, who's it for? 59 00:03:16,646 --> 00:03:19,458 My sister and she's very picky. 60 00:03:19,482 --> 00:03:22,761 Okay, well... You know what? 61 00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:25,431 I would go with the black one because she can wear it to work, 62 00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:27,355 and then she can wear it for goin' out at night. 63 00:03:28,691 --> 00:03:29,852 You know, 64 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,336 I almost went with the brown one, 65 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:32,771 because when you held it up, 66 00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:34,629 it really brought out your eyes. 67 00:03:37,934 --> 00:03:40,863 That's so sweet. Thank you. 68 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,171 And you're very beautiful. 69 00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,717 Hey, babe, 70 00:03:45,741 --> 00:03:47,787 what's up? 71 00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:49,488 Hi. 72 00:03:49,512 --> 00:03:52,708 Yeah, just shoppin' with my three favorite people: 73 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:55,878 My wife, my love and my lady. 74 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,329 Okay. Yeah? How about you? 75 00:03:57,353 --> 00:03:58,831 Ya got everything you need? 76 00:03:58,855 --> 00:04:00,505 Uh, yes, looks like I do. 77 00:04:01,858 --> 00:04:04,170 Well... thanks again. 78 00:04:04,194 --> 00:04:05,004 Oh, you're welcome. 79 00:04:05,028 --> 00:04:06,895 Happy holidays. Mmm. 80 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:11,927 What is the matter with you? 81 00:04:11,951 --> 00:04:13,062 He was hittin' on you. 82 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,181 You don't have to be so rude to him. 83 00:04:15,205 --> 00:04:17,516 Hey. Guy hits on my woman, I'm gonna throw down. 84 00:04:17,540 --> 00:04:20,019 Really? How come you didn't do anything to that bank teller 85 00:04:20,043 --> 00:04:21,520 when he asked me out last week? 86 00:04:21,544 --> 00:04:23,878 'Cause he was almost my height. 87 00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:33,492 May I help you? Oh. 88 00:05:33,516 --> 00:05:35,950 Yeah, I don't think this is the right size. 89 00:05:37,537 --> 00:05:40,282 You know, I am looking at you, and I am thinking, 90 00:05:40,306 --> 00:05:41,683 a Guiseppe Gimali, 91 00:05:41,707 --> 00:05:44,270 three-quarter length leather duster. 92 00:05:44,294 --> 00:05:47,022 Didn't understand a word you just said. 93 00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:48,774 Shall I ring up those gloves? 94 00:05:48,798 --> 00:05:50,242 Oh, yeah, sure. Okay. 95 00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,077 Will that be cash or charge? 96 00:05:52,101 --> 00:05:53,101 Charge. 97 00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:01,520 You lost your wallet? 98 00:06:01,544 --> 00:06:03,839 It looks that way. Are you sure? 99 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,891 I won't be positive until I shower tonight, 100 00:06:05,915 --> 00:06:07,626 but I think it's gone. 101 00:06:07,650 --> 00:06:09,494 Well, the leather store was only 20 feet away. 102 00:06:09,518 --> 00:06:12,348 So it's gotta be somewhere between here and there. 103 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,767 Actually, I may have made a couple stops 104 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,124 before the leather store. 105 00:06:17,994 --> 00:06:19,722 Okay, so where did you go first? 106 00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:23,192 Well, first I went right here to Paws and Claws. 107 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,476 Paws and Claws? 108 00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:25,694 Yeah, the pet store. 109 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,363 Why? What did you do in the pet store? 110 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,698 Held a puppy. 111 00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:31,567 And then you went to Leather World? 112 00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:32,917 No, then I went to Barnes & Noble 113 00:06:32,941 --> 00:06:35,120 to look up dog names, in case you let me get a puppy. 114 00:06:35,144 --> 00:06:37,745 I like Hondo. What do you think? 115 00:06:40,049 --> 00:06:42,077 Anyway, uh... 116 00:06:42,101 --> 00:06:43,329 Then I went to the second level, 117 00:06:43,353 --> 00:06:45,831 where I tried on sunglasses, sat in a massage chair 118 00:06:45,855 --> 00:06:47,766 and watched a little bit of the teen fashion show. 119 00:06:47,790 --> 00:06:49,468 It's pretty cool, 'cause I could see it 120 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,025 from the massage chair. 121 00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:56,342 Then I went over here to Lady Foot Locker. 122 00:06:56,366 --> 00:06:58,143 Why? 123 00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:00,429 I saw Céline Dion in there. 124 00:07:00,453 --> 00:07:04,350 Oh, okay, Céline Dion shops at Lady Foot Locker? 125 00:07:04,374 --> 00:07:05,600 No. Céline Dion 126 00:07:05,624 --> 00:07:07,536 works at Lady Foot Locker. 127 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,521 Anyway, it wasn't her. 128 00:07:09,545 --> 00:07:10,389 Okay, you know what? 129 00:07:10,413 --> 00:07:12,358 Please, let's just retrace your steps 130 00:07:12,382 --> 00:07:14,026 and maybe we can find your wallet. 131 00:07:14,050 --> 00:07:16,351 Cool. I'll show you Hondo. 132 00:07:20,990 --> 00:07:22,434 I cannot believe I lost it. 133 00:07:22,458 --> 00:07:25,003 I mean, my driver's license, 134 00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:27,763 my insurance card, my gym membership. 135 00:07:28,881 --> 00:07:31,159 Yeah, without that and your library card, 136 00:07:31,183 --> 00:07:33,178 how will you live? 137 00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:36,048 I just don't understand. It's like it vanished. 138 00:07:36,072 --> 00:07:38,850 Yeah. Along with the other five wallets that you've lost. 139 00:07:38,874 --> 00:07:43,055 Including the one that was chained to your pants. 140 00:07:43,079 --> 00:07:44,973 I still can't figure that one out. 141 00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:48,193 I lost my pants, Carrie. It's not a big mystery. 142 00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,444 Okay, you know what? 143 00:07:49,468 --> 00:07:51,346 Let's just cancel your credit cards 144 00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:54,048 and try to enjoy the holidays, okay? 145 00:07:54,072 --> 00:07:56,368 So it was just the Visa and the Amex, right? 146 00:07:56,392 --> 00:07:57,986 Yeah, and, uh, 147 00:07:58,010 --> 00:08:00,239 some other ones. 148 00:08:00,263 --> 00:08:02,124 What other ones? 149 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,776 Well, every day they send me these applications in the mail. 150 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,246 Sign up for a Jets card and get a free Jets hat. 151 00:08:08,270 --> 00:08:11,834 Sign up for a Knicks card and earn Knick bucks. 152 00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:15,504 What the hell are Knick bucks? 153 00:08:15,528 --> 00:08:17,256 I don't know, but if I get 20,000 of 'em, 154 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,224 I get a free hat. 155 00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:22,361 Doug, I accept the fact that I'm the responsible one, okay? 156 00:08:22,385 --> 00:08:25,663 I do all our finances, I plan for our retirement, 157 00:08:25,687 --> 00:08:28,233 I check us both for lumps, 158 00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:30,635 and I real-I don't expect you to help me, 159 00:08:30,659 --> 00:08:33,405 but now you're just actively screwing me over. 160 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:34,906 I just don't understand this. 161 00:08:34,930 --> 00:08:37,943 I swear, I took my wallet out. I paid for your dad's sweater. 162 00:08:37,967 --> 00:08:40,545 I put my wallet back, and I- 163 00:08:40,569 --> 00:08:42,214 Wait a second. 164 00:08:42,238 --> 00:08:45,033 That guy-That guy, he picked my pocket! 165 00:08:45,057 --> 00:08:46,168 What guy? 166 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,719 You know. 167 00:08:47,743 --> 00:08:49,955 Little Romeo. 168 00:08:49,979 --> 00:08:51,523 Oh, my G-Okay, Doug. 169 00:08:51,547 --> 00:08:54,960 You have tried to blame your stupidity on other people, 170 00:08:54,984 --> 00:08:57,796 but this-This is just sad. 171 00:08:57,820 --> 00:08:59,548 No. I'm tellin' you, he took it. 172 00:08:59,572 --> 00:09:01,967 Oh, you just have it in for him 'cause he was hitting on me. 173 00:09:01,991 --> 00:09:04,202 Maybe he was hitting on you just to create a diversion 174 00:09:04,226 --> 00:09:05,771 so he could grab my wallet. 175 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:07,389 Oh, please. 176 00:09:07,413 --> 00:09:09,157 Right, what was I thinkin'? I mean, he had to be 177 00:09:09,181 --> 00:09:11,916 hittin' on you 'cause you're so damn hot. 178 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,248 Okay, you know what, Doug? 179 00:09:17,272 --> 00:09:20,185 I don't want you to buy me a gift this year, okay? 180 00:09:20,209 --> 00:09:21,520 All I want for Christmas 181 00:09:21,544 --> 00:09:23,655 is for you to stop acting like a big baby 182 00:09:23,679 --> 00:09:25,374 and grow up. 183 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,031 No. I gave you that last year. 184 00:09:31,921 --> 00:09:33,648 Now, if I cancel my credit card, 185 00:09:33,672 --> 00:09:36,317 do I still get to keep the Knick bucks? 186 00:09:36,341 --> 00:09:39,911 I do? Great! Oh, that's great. Thank you very much. 187 00:09:43,933 --> 00:09:45,227 What the hell's goin' on? 188 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:46,428 Danny and I just got attacked 189 00:09:46,452 --> 00:09:48,180 by a bunch of kids throwin' snowballs. 190 00:09:48,204 --> 00:09:51,049 Where's Danny? He's not here? 191 00:09:51,073 --> 00:09:52,434 I thought he was ahead of me. 192 00:09:52,458 --> 00:09:53,925 Cut it out! Just quit it! 193 00:10:01,099 --> 00:10:02,694 Where'd ya go? 194 00:10:02,718 --> 00:10:05,230 Once they ran out from behind the station wagon, 195 00:10:05,254 --> 00:10:07,449 it was every man for himself. 196 00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:10,591 Aw, man, that Chinese kid's got an arm. 197 00:10:13,312 --> 00:10:14,889 Okay, guys, so, what's the plan now? 198 00:10:14,913 --> 00:10:17,593 Are you gonna hang out here till the streetlights come on? 199 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,661 We're on our way to Cooper's to catch the second half 200 00:10:19,685 --> 00:10:21,263 of the game. Get your coat on. 201 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,382 Nah. You know what? I pass. 202 00:10:23,406 --> 00:10:25,050 Come on, 2-for-1 pitchers. Yeah, come on. 203 00:10:25,074 --> 00:10:26,885 It's all right, man. I'm not goin'. 204 00:10:26,909 --> 00:10:27,886 Why not? 'Cause I'm not. 205 00:10:27,910 --> 00:10:29,254 Why not? Becau-I- 206 00:10:29,278 --> 00:10:31,956 I spent my allowance already, okay? 207 00:10:31,980 --> 00:10:33,192 What? 208 00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,810 Carrie and I got into a fight, all right. 209 00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:36,244 And to teach me a lesson, she- 210 00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:38,436 - put me on an allowance. 211 00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:44,092 Why don't you sell your bike? 212 00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,424 That's pretty tough talk comin' from a guy 213 00:10:49,448 --> 00:10:52,160 who just got chased into my house by a 12-year-old. 214 00:10:52,184 --> 00:10:54,312 It was five 12-year-olds. 215 00:10:54,336 --> 00:10:56,371 And three of them were guys. 216 00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:58,950 Well, I'm not goin', so go- 217 00:10:58,974 --> 00:11:00,586 Go to Cooper's and have a good time. 218 00:11:00,610 --> 00:11:01,770 Aw, all right. 219 00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,538 Hey, let's-Let's go out the back door. 220 00:11:03,562 --> 00:11:04,840 Oh, good idea. 221 00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:06,274 We'll grab some garbage-can covers, 222 00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:07,965 use them as shields. Oh, good idea. 223 00:11:11,403 --> 00:11:12,648 Hello? 224 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,916 This is he. 225 00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:17,318 Yes, that is my credit card. 226 00:11:17,342 --> 00:11:19,955 Are there any charges on it? 227 00:11:19,979 --> 00:11:23,882 Really? 228 00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:26,862 Thank you. 229 00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:29,998 Thank you very much. 230 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,766 Hey, Columbo. 231 00:11:31,790 --> 00:11:34,620 How's the, uh, manhunt goin'? 232 00:11:34,644 --> 00:11:38,290 Oh, I just got a call that blew this case wide open. 233 00:11:38,314 --> 00:11:39,424 Oh, yeah? 234 00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:40,542 Mm-hm. Here are some charges 235 00:11:40,566 --> 00:11:43,278 that were just made on one of my missing credit cards. 236 00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:45,681 Read 'em and weep. 237 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,132 Pablo's Tailor Shop. 238 00:11:47,156 --> 00:11:48,800 Yeah. Now, tell me, 239 00:11:48,824 --> 00:11:54,106 what kind of a guy goes to get his clothes altered? 240 00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,040 You. 241 00:11:56,064 --> 00:11:58,510 I mean, I've let your pants out so many times, 242 00:11:58,534 --> 00:12:01,846 the tailor invited me to his daughter's wedding. 243 00:12:01,870 --> 00:12:03,031 Okay, fine. 244 00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:04,249 But how do you explain these? 245 00:12:04,273 --> 00:12:07,352 The boys' department at Saks, huh? 246 00:12:07,376 --> 00:12:08,920 Island Minigolf. 247 00:12:08,944 --> 00:12:11,296 Which is like regular golf for him. 248 00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:14,242 And The Ladder Store. 249 00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:18,212 That's right, The Ladder Store. 250 00:12:18,236 --> 00:12:21,667 Now, who needs a ladder? 251 00:12:21,691 --> 00:12:25,470 Um, a contractor, a painter, a tree trimmer, 252 00:12:25,494 --> 00:12:26,904 a window washer. 253 00:12:26,928 --> 00:12:29,224 That's just to name a few. 254 00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:31,310 It's him, and you know it is. 255 00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:32,711 No. What I know is that you're a screwup, 256 00:12:32,735 --> 00:12:35,347 who just cost himself next week's allowance. 257 00:12:35,371 --> 00:12:38,617 You just can't face the fact that he was after my wallet. 258 00:12:38,641 --> 00:12:42,544 He was trying to get in my pants, not yours. 259 00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:48,360 Just cost yourself another week, buddy boy. 260 00:12:48,384 --> 00:12:50,962 You-You are livin' in a fantasy world, okay? 261 00:12:50,986 --> 00:12:53,081 Because I got enough proof, and I'll tell you what, 262 00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:55,423 I'm goin' to the cops. 263 00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:00,221 Okay, I don't have a license, 264 00:13:00,245 --> 00:13:01,729 so I'm gonna need you to drive me. 265 00:13:10,106 --> 00:13:11,416 Mr. Heffernan? 266 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,708 Detective Perry said he'll be just another minute. 267 00:13:15,410 --> 00:13:17,488 Why are they makin' us wait so long? 268 00:13:17,512 --> 00:13:19,024 I don't know, Doug. 269 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,574 They're probably all wastin' their time 270 00:13:20,598 --> 00:13:22,110 on some pesky murder. 271 00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:26,203 Boy, you got some sass, mujer. 272 00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:29,073 Mr. Heffernan? 273 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,622 I'm Detective Perry. 274 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,575 Hey there. How ya doin' there? 275 00:13:36,599 --> 00:13:38,994 I understand, uh, someone stole your wallet. 276 00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:40,746 Uh, yeah. 277 00:13:40,770 --> 00:13:41,812 Yeah, Doug, why don't you, uh, 278 00:13:41,836 --> 00:13:43,832 go ahead and tell the detective who did it? 279 00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:46,267 Uh, yeah, I-I was shopping, 280 00:13:46,291 --> 00:13:48,469 and this guy was talkin' to my, uh, wife, 281 00:13:48,493 --> 00:13:50,394 and he-He-He took it. 282 00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:52,947 What'd this guy look like? 283 00:13:54,566 --> 00:13:56,344 Oh, just-White guy. 284 00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:58,847 Uh, spiky hair. 285 00:13:58,871 --> 00:14:01,683 Probably in his 30s. Yeah, that's the guy. 286 00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:04,242 Hey, honey, could you be any more specific? 287 00:14:05,644 --> 00:14:07,839 Yeah, did he have any distinctive characteristics? 288 00:14:07,863 --> 00:14:10,108 Anything unique that would help us ID him. Anything. 289 00:14:10,132 --> 00:14:14,178 Distinctive... 290 00:14:14,202 --> 00:14:15,914 Let's see. He was, uh... 291 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,717 Uh, dressed very nicely. 292 00:14:18,741 --> 00:14:22,621 I think he was wearin' some kind of cologne. 293 00:14:22,645 --> 00:14:25,389 He was a midget, and, uh... 294 00:14:25,413 --> 00:14:27,459 I think he was wearin' jeans. 295 00:14:27,483 --> 00:14:29,344 Uh, I'm sorry. What did you say? 296 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,680 Jeans. I think he was wearing jeans. 297 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,020 Before that you said something. 298 00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,139 He was a midget. 299 00:14:37,826 --> 00:14:39,554 I'm not catching this. 300 00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:41,306 He was a midget. 301 00:14:41,330 --> 00:14:42,307 He was in what? 302 00:14:42,331 --> 00:14:44,041 He was-I can't- 303 00:14:44,065 --> 00:14:45,110 Mr. Heffernan- 304 00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:46,517 He's a midget! 305 00:14:48,286 --> 00:14:50,281 I'm sorry. I know that's not the right word. 306 00:14:50,305 --> 00:14:51,983 Okay. No offense. I- 307 00:14:52,007 --> 00:14:53,735 Why would I take offense? 308 00:14:53,759 --> 00:14:55,537 I'm not sayin' that you're a- 309 00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:56,971 You're a-You know- 310 00:14:56,995 --> 00:14:58,105 A midget? 311 00:14:58,129 --> 00:15:01,198 No. You're way past the cutoff, right? 312 00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:11,519 Well, well, 313 00:15:11,543 --> 00:15:14,678 who put a lump of coal in your stocking? 314 00:15:16,481 --> 00:15:18,793 It's nothin'. It's just... 315 00:15:18,817 --> 00:15:21,245 This little person stole my wallet, 316 00:15:21,269 --> 00:15:23,398 and nobody believes me. 317 00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,500 Oh, the little people. 318 00:15:25,524 --> 00:15:28,320 So small yet so cunning. 319 00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,972 Yeah. I mean, Carrie thinks I got it in for this guy 320 00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:32,574 just 'cause he hit on her. 321 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:36,834 Well, we all know her taste in men runs to the extreme. 322 00:15:38,387 --> 00:15:40,282 What makes you so sure it's him? 323 00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:42,774 Look at the charges on my credit card. 324 00:15:46,678 --> 00:15:48,289 Why, any fool could tell 325 00:15:48,313 --> 00:15:50,380 these are the charges of the tiny. 326 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,261 Exactly. I mean- 327 00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,263 You're the only one who believes me. 328 00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:56,547 Great. 329 00:15:56,571 --> 00:15:58,183 This is no time for self-pity. 330 00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:00,351 There's a criminal on the loose. 331 00:16:00,375 --> 00:16:02,887 We'll call these stores and see if anyone remembers 332 00:16:02,911 --> 00:16:05,056 who used your card. 333 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,641 Y- y-you think someone will? 334 00:16:06,665 --> 00:16:08,509 I worked in retail. 335 00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:11,212 If a little person walked into my shop, 336 00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:14,272 it was all I could talk about for years. 337 00:16:19,428 --> 00:16:21,172 Appreciate you driving me, Arthur, 338 00:16:21,196 --> 00:16:23,942 but, uh, could you speed it up a little? 339 00:16:23,966 --> 00:16:26,700 I follow the rules of the road. 340 00:16:28,453 --> 00:16:30,397 Okay, we just got passed by a shopping cart. 341 00:16:30,421 --> 00:16:31,633 Come on. 342 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,234 Are you sure this is a strong lead? 343 00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:34,401 Positive. 344 00:16:34,425 --> 00:16:35,553 The Ladder Store said, 345 00:16:35,577 --> 00:16:38,089 "A little fella by the name of Doug Heffernan 346 00:16:38,113 --> 00:16:40,374 just bought himself a step stool." 347 00:16:40,398 --> 00:16:42,276 She also said she remembers him saying 348 00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:44,234 that it was for his job at the mall. 349 00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:48,616 You know, we're quite a team. 350 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,519 Like Jake and the Fat man. 351 00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:53,410 Needless to say, I'm Jake. 352 00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:59,861 There's just one more person I need to invite to the party. 353 00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:03,097 Hey, Car, it's, uh, me. It's, uh... 354 00:17:03,121 --> 00:17:05,199 Let's see. It's 6:30 now. 355 00:17:05,223 --> 00:17:08,002 Do me a favor. Meet me at the mall ASAP. 356 00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:10,288 I got a little surprise for ya. 357 00:17:10,312 --> 00:17:12,312 Little surprise. Marvelous. 358 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:22,883 How are we gonna find this guy? 359 00:17:22,907 --> 00:17:24,619 There's, like, a million people here. 360 00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:27,988 Vigilante justice takes patience, Douglas. 361 00:17:28,012 --> 00:17:31,109 Hey, do you see what I see? 362 00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:34,429 The Panda Express? Because I could eat. 363 00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:37,198 No, that elf over there. That's the guy. 364 00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:38,822 All right, hand over my wallet. 365 00:17:39,858 --> 00:17:41,069 What? 366 00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:43,321 Oh, I'm sorry. I- 367 00:17:43,345 --> 00:17:46,324 I thought you were this other guy who stole my wallet. 368 00:17:46,348 --> 00:17:47,825 Oh, ho, ho. I get it. 369 00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:50,128 Because I'm black. 370 00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,746 No, no, no, no. Not 'cause you're black. 371 00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:54,332 'Cause you're a- A little person. 372 00:17:54,356 --> 00:17:57,002 Oh, so now all little people are thieves? 373 00:17:57,026 --> 00:17:58,336 No, that's not what I'm sayin'. 374 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,238 How would you feel if I walked around sayin', 375 00:18:00,262 --> 00:18:04,309 someone stole my donut, it must have been the fat guy. 376 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,677 Whoa! Where'd my Christmas ham go? 377 00:18:06,701 --> 00:18:09,180 Gee, I wonder. 378 00:18:09,204 --> 00:18:10,849 All right, all right, all right, all right! 379 00:18:10,873 --> 00:18:13,050 You made your point. I'm sorry, man. Jeez. 380 00:18:13,074 --> 00:18:14,352 That's right! 381 00:18:14,376 --> 00:18:16,110 You better leave, tubby. 382 00:18:17,546 --> 00:18:19,196 Hey! Hey! 383 00:18:22,066 --> 00:18:24,079 Hey, I know it was you! 384 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,864 Don't know what you're talking about. 385 00:18:25,888 --> 00:18:28,066 Yeah? You stole my wallet, and you used my credit cards. 386 00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:30,001 I wrote down all the charges right here. 387 00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:33,121 All right, I did it, but it serves you right. 388 00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:34,422 What are you talkin' about? 389 00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:36,541 I was having a nice conversation with your wife, 390 00:18:36,565 --> 00:18:37,709 and you came over, 391 00:18:37,733 --> 00:18:39,276 and you made me feel like garbage. 392 00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,346 So I just grabbed your wallet. 393 00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,047 Careful, Douglas. He's cornered. 394 00:18:43,071 --> 00:18:45,883 There's no telling what he might do. 395 00:18:45,907 --> 00:18:47,652 Look, I got the situation under control. 396 00:18:47,676 --> 00:18:49,119 Why don't you go to Panda Express? 397 00:18:49,143 --> 00:18:50,210 I could eat. 398 00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,125 Look, even if what you say is true, okay, 399 00:18:54,149 --> 00:18:56,383 it doesn't give you the right to steal my wallet. 400 00:18:57,735 --> 00:18:59,747 You're right. 401 00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:02,349 Why do I do these things? I mean... 402 00:19:02,373 --> 00:19:04,202 I've really made a mess of my life. 403 00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:08,039 I can't hold down a job or make a marriage work, 404 00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:10,191 but when it comes to screwin' up, 405 00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:13,217 man, I'm the all-time champ. 406 00:19:13,869 --> 00:19:15,530 All right, tell you what. 407 00:19:15,554 --> 00:19:17,832 Just, uh... give me back my wallet, 408 00:19:17,856 --> 00:19:19,634 and we'll just forget the whole thing. 409 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,920 Really? You're not gonna call the cops? 410 00:19:21,944 --> 00:19:23,394 Nah. 411 00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:26,591 Here. All the credit cards are in there. 412 00:19:26,615 --> 00:19:28,349 You can count 'em if you want. No. 413 00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:30,444 That's all right. 414 00:19:30,468 --> 00:19:31,730 Merry Christmas. 415 00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:35,005 You too, Douglas Steven Heffernan. 416 00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:39,404 Doug? 417 00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:40,654 Hey, uh... I can explain. 418 00:19:40,678 --> 00:19:42,223 You don't have to explain anything. 419 00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,409 That was a very nice thing you did. 420 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:48,613 You're still a big baby, but... you're a sweet big baby. 421 00:19:48,637 --> 00:19:50,047 So we, uh... 422 00:19:50,071 --> 00:19:51,332 We're good? 423 00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:53,118 We're good. Just hang on one second. 424 00:19:53,142 --> 00:19:54,518 Uh, excuse me. 425 00:19:54,542 --> 00:19:55,870 Can I ask you a question? 426 00:19:55,894 --> 00:19:56,788 Sure. 427 00:19:56,812 --> 00:19:59,373 You were... hitting on me, right? 428 00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:01,142 I mean, that wasn't just part of your scam 429 00:20:01,166 --> 00:20:02,260 to get the wallet? 430 00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:03,744 Are you kidding? 431 00:20:03,768 --> 00:20:07,182 You're an A-1 piece of tail, honey. 432 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,508 Oh, that is so sweet. Thank you. 433 00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:14,011 Now, get the hell outta here. 434 00:20:14,946 --> 00:20:17,058 We can go now? Yes. 435 00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:18,726 Guess I owe you an apology. 436 00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:21,679 Actually, I owe you an apology too. 437 00:20:21,703 --> 00:20:23,403 He's actually an okay guy. 438 00:20:26,958 --> 00:20:28,169 Mr. Heffernan, 439 00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:30,371 welcome to the Maui Paradise Resort. 440 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:32,963 And how will you be paying for your stay?