Whoa. Where are you going?
I have to put a load of laundry in.
No. No. We're in the perfect position.
I can see the TV. You can breathe.
That never happens.
Look, Doug, I'll do the wash,
and then we'll get right back the way we were, I promise.
You're-you're dreaming. It'll never be the same.
I have to do this, ok?
It's the beginning of the work week, and once again,
your underpants have me against the ropes.
And I appreciate the effort,
but right now, I'm comfy.
Shh-shh-Doug!
Easy. Easy. Easy.
You see, the more you struggle, the more I squeeze.
I'm like an anaconda.
Ok! All right! Ok!
A few more minutes.
All right.
That's my hot pocket. It has to be rotated.
Excuse me.
Seriously, is our mailman a boy or a girl?
Because I'm leaning towards boy again.
- You know what? I. - I really can't focus on that right now,
'cause I'm still sitting here with dry cocoa puffs.
My dad's not back with the milk yet?
The market's 3 blocks away,
and now we're coming up on...
An hour and a half.
Are you sure you don't want to try the skim milk?
Just trying to think outside the box.
Where the hell is he?
I don't know. Do you think something could've happened to him?
Doug! No, nothing happened.
I'm back.
All right, well, where's the milk?
Oh, I've got something
much better than milk.
A ping-pong table!
Dad, what happened?
Well, I was halfway to the market
when I came upon the betchers' garage sale.
Luckily, Douglas had given me a 50,
and this little honey
was calling to me like a French whore.
Ok. You know what? Hold his legs,
'cause I'm gonna milk him.
Oh, hey, did you hear that Denise got promoted
at the bowling alley?
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
That's great.
You know, with her, uh, making more money,
we can finally afford to get a nice place together,
and I can...
Finally ask the big question.
What? "Can I touch 'em?"
Anyway, I'm going to go surprise her at work.
- See you later. - And this was fun. All right.
I see the table has quickly become
the recreational hub of the neighborhood.
It's something to do.
So...
You up for a game?
You want to play me?
I should warn you.
Of all miniature paddle games,
this is my forte.
I'll take my chances.
Here. You can serve.
Ok, gramps, any way we can speed things up here a little bit?
All righty.
That's 11-zip.
You didn't even get the paddle off your shoulder that game.
You're not better than me, ok?
I just keep losing the ball in the white of your legs.
Oh, no. You're soft from playing
in your cozy, shag-carpeted rec rooms.
I learned ping-pong on the streets!
You either got good or you died!
Just serve.
Wasn't ready.
Ok, fellas, that's 2 bud lights and nachos,
so, that's... 9.70.
Out of 10.
Keep it.
Thanks!
Oh, hi! Hey, sweetums.
Um, is this the big promotion
you were telling me about?
You're a cocktail waitress now?
Yeah. It all happened so fast.
It doesn't even seem real to me.
Hey, what's the matter?
I don't know. I mean,
are you sure this is such a good idea?
Yeah. Why not?
Well, I-strange men and liquor...
Quick-draw lotto machine.
This is a faster lifestyle than you're used to.
Honey, if you don't want me to do this,
then I won't, but the only reason I took this job
was so I could make enough money
to start a real life with my...
Midnight swordsman.
Hey, sweetheart, where are those hot wings?
So, what do you think?
I think you've got some hot wings to get.
Yeah. How do you like that, old man?
What? Are you gettin' scared?
You getting scared?
Um... I am.
Hey.
What's going on, baby?
If I could just develop a killer serve,
he'll never have a chance to do his slam.
That's all the old man's got. That's it!
That's what this is about,
my dad beating you at ping-pong?
Yeah. It's very annoying.
How can I be beat by anybody who eats soup like this?
Doug, what does it matter?
I mean, you're bigger and smarter
and live in the above ground part of the house.
Can't you just let him have this one thing?
Come on, just play with me. Practice. Come on.
Fine.
Can we stop now?
Let's just finish this rally.
Ok.
Come on!
Look alive!
This is really fun,
but I think I should be going.
All right. Would you Al least hit one back?
Will you stop?!
This is just like dodge ball all over again!
What's the matter with her?
I don't know. She's just a mess in general.
Hey. How's your shoulder?
You hit the car pretty hard on my last slam there.
It's fine.
Well, just cover it up before you go to work.
I don't want people to think I smack you around.
Ok.
Hello, Douglas. Hey.
Or should I call you "soft serve"?
You see the double meaning?
You clearly love your soft ice cream,
and in ping-pong your-
oh, God.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize you were so sensitive about me beating you.
It's not you.
What do you mean?
I'm over losing to you.
You? You're a freak of nature.
Your hands are 5 times the size of a normal man's.
It's Carrie.
So, she's been cheating on you?
Is it Pedro? No.
She's not cheating on me.
She's beating me at ping-pong.
I'm sorry. I don't follow.
It's just...
I knew what I was getting when I married Carrie.
She's... in charge. She runs the show...
And I'm good with that. It's just...
Sports has always been my thing, you know?
And now that she can beat me at a game as stupid as ping-pong,
it's like...
Like you might as well pull up your testicles like a venetian blind?
Something like that, yeah.
I mean, how the hell did she get so good, anyway?
How do you think? I taught her.
Then teach me.
What?
I want you to train me... To beat her.
I haven't trained anyone in years.
Come on. I need you.
Ok, but remember this, Douglas:
If I train you,
we're going to be doing things my way.
I know, that's why I asked you.
Right.
Here we go. 2 beers and...
Another vodka...
For "Mr. gropey."
Ok, um, I gotta tell you.
I really don't like you working here.
Spence, I told you. I'm doing this for us.
Oh, yeah. That's why you leaned over right in those guys' faces
and pushed your plumpies together.
It's called "the lean and squeeze."
If you were in the industry, you'd know that.
Wait. Wait. So, you're not quitting.
Is that what I'm hearing? That's right.
Fair enough, but I think I should let you know
that if you're going to keep
letting strange men paw all over you,
I may have to get out there myself.
There's a lot of women lined up to ride Spence Mountain.
Well, I hope they enjoy a short, bumpy ride.
Excuse me.
Come on! At least put some wood on it.
I'm playing with a spoon!
Of course you are.
If you practice with a spoon,
then the paddle will seem like the size of Texas.
Ok. That's it. You know, I'm-I'm done.
Douglas...
I'm very close to giving you another 10 laps.
No, I'm not running around the ping-pong table anymore.
All right. Calm down. You're hysterical.
Let's get back to basics.
Just show me your stroke.
Ok...
That was a train wreck.
What's wrong with it?
Come here.
What are you doing?
I'm making myself one with you.
Ohhhh.
Can you make yourself one without gyrating?
That's it. Nice and easy.
Like you're spanking an unruly child.
You're too tense. That's your problem.
Release.
Release into me!
Ok, that's it! Stop it! Stop!
No! No! You were just right that time.
Now, put down the spoon and pick up the paddle.
Wow. That was-that was pretty good.
Maybe you know what you're talking about.
You bet your bippy I do.
Now, I want you to have a light meal,
listen to the tapes I made you,
in bed by 9:30,
and obviously...
No shimmy sham.
Hey, baby. Hi.
What are you doing?
Just listening to some tunes.
Be the paddle.
Is someone gonna get that?
I'm in the middle of something.
Hello?
As a matter of fact, yes, I have been unhappy
with my long-distance provider.
Hey, baby. Hi, honey.
What do you want for dinner?
Well, I don't know about the main course,
but for the appetizer,
are you up for a little...
Ping... pong?
Ok, not sure if you're talking about sex or the actual game.
Come on. Ping-pong.
Uh... nah, I don't feel like it.
Just one game before dinner.
Nah.
Why not?
Because, Doug, you don't like losing to me, ok?
And I don't want this to become a problem between us.
Problem?
I'm a 38-year-old man.
I don't get my self-worth
from beating a girl at ping-pong,
nnnkay?
Really? Is that why you've been training with my dad for 2 weeks?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Doug, all my wooden spoons are gone.
And it worked! I can beat your ass now!
Doug...
If we go out there and play,
you're just gonna lose again,
and then who are you going to get to train you?
Mr. Miyagi?
Meet me in the garage...
If you got the plums.
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
That's 20 to 12, advantage Doug Heffernan.
Nothing short of a massive stroke can deny him victory.
Well, the way you've been wheezing, I like my chances.
Now serve. Let's go.
Coming right up.
Winner!
Loser! Oh!
Glad you could take me up on the invitation.
Oh, I really needed a night like this.
And how are you folks this evening?
Uh, we're good,
and I'll tell you what, uh... Denise,
my lady friend and I are in kind of a rush,
trying to catch a movie.
Oh, well, then what can I get you?
I'll have a Heineken on tap,
and, Holly,
I peg you as a Brandy and soda girl,
am I right?
Well, yes, but no soda
and make that Brandy gin.
You're delightful.
Ok, be back in a jiff.
Vodka on the rocks.
Thanks.
You know, it's, um...
So warm in here tonight.
Um, do you mind?
Oh, yeah!
Oh, that's so much better.
Thanks.
What are you doing?
What do you care? You're over there with blondie!
Uh, Spence, what is going on here?
He's trying to make me jealous.
Is that true?
Pretty much.
And I thought you were just being nice to me
to try to get in my pants.
Well, good night to you!
Yeah!
Once again...
Very cute.
And, you know, to celebrate my victory,
I've decreed a night of sex...
And George foreman on biography.
Well, let me know how that turns out.
Sounds like somebody doesn't like losing so much.
I'm fine with it, but just do me a favor
and back down the obnoxious thing a scooch, ok?
But I have so much to be obnoxious about.
Not really.
What? Nothing.
You said, "not really." What does that mean?
It doesn't mean anything.
It's gotta mean something.
All right. It means I let you win, ok?
You let me win?
Wow!
I just beat you like a Grand Canyon mule,
and you can't give me my props.
Very sad.
Ok, Doug, whatever you say.
You beat me.
I did.
You did.
I whipped your butt.
And I'm agreeing with you.
I know you're agreeing with me. I'm just talking.
I'm allowed to talk in my own house, ok?
Yes, you are. I know I am. Thank you.
One more game. Right now.
Ok, 21 to 3. That was decisive.
I begged you not to do this.
I just can't believe this. I mean...
I- I trained for 2 weeks. I called in sick twice.
I'm in big trouble.
All right. All right. So it's over now.
Can we just get past it?
I did have that one slam. You almost didn't return that-
that was really good. Your game has improved.
Yeah, I know. It has.
Now, I believe that you decreed a night of...
Sex and, um, something about George foreman.
That's when I thought I was champion.
Well, I'm the champion now, so I decree it.
Can-can I do something here?
What?
I mean, you're dominating everything!
Gosh, first it's ping-pong, now it's sex.
It's official! I am the woman!
Will you stop it?
I can't, ok?!
Why is this such a big deal to you?
I don't know why it's a big deal, but it is,
and it's gonna ruin everything!
Ok-oh, all right. Let me get this straight.
Some marriages, they break up over money, or someone cheats.
I mean, is our thing really going to be ping-pong?
Looks that way.
Oh, ok.
Well, at least it's a good reason.
That'll be fun calling your folks.
Believe me, they'd understand.
They almost got divorced
over a question on card sharks.
Now, come on.
There's got to be something we can do here.
There is. I have to beat you at ping-pong for real.
And I love you more than anything,
but I just don't think that can ever happen.
Right.
You got anything else?
Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
It's 12-9. Your ball.